Finding it hard to settle down

[Radu]

 

 

I'm sorry I don't live in the 1950's. Women want sex as much as men and if anything I used the men. I am not saying that makes me a great person, it probably makes me a bad one, but I was definitely not getting used by them.

But why so much concentration on my past. I agree with you all that I was not a nice person with the way I treated people. Unfortunately it has now caused issues when I want to settle down, but I am working on that. I am looking forward and trying to be a better person going forward. If all you want to do is dwell on my past then so be it, but you are not offering up any advice or comment that I don't already think of myself.

 

Women in the 1950's cheated as much as men did, they were just better at covering it up. Sometimes i regret the milkman profession is obsolete.

However, you are using what is essentially a feminist meme to rationalize your guilt away.

 

I was never a sex addict but i did have addictions [that i beat or am still trying to beat], and i can see the signs.

Let me guess, when you are 'sober' you make promises, you make mental notes, you swear that isn't you, but when you get out there in the club or around other men it's like another person takes over and your rational mind takes a backseat ... it effectively goes to sleep.

 

Most ppl that have ripped on you here, did so for the cheating from the lying perspective.

There are plenty of ppl out there in cuckold-hotwife relationships or in open relationships, but in those couples there are no secrets.

 

I hate to say this, but your relationship with this man is ... done.

There is no way to salvage this loss of trust.

And it all comes down to the way he reacted to you cheating on him.

Someone said in this thread that he is an enabler, he is in fact one.

That is because he offered no real consequences to your actions, and with time you will lose respect for him [because he's so easy to fool].

And when a woman cannot respect her guy, she will stop loving him, then rationalize that she never loved him, and because he is oblivious she will start to hate him.

 

Don't believe me on these forecasts ?

Read in this section some more threads.

[SupaSexySally]

I am impressed that you realized that you agree that you must tell your boyfriend the truth since he deserves to know.

 

I spoke to my counselor by phone last night, he wanted some background before we meet for the first time on Thursday. He said that I must tell my boyfriend. Well he didn’t actually say that, I don’t think they ever tell you what to do, but he planted that idea in my head so I came to that conclusion myself.

I met with my boyfriend earlier tonight with every intention of telling him. I can’t do it. I just can’t do it. How can you tell someone you love that you are not the person they thought you were? And not only that but I’m actually going to crush him with the sheer enormity of what I have done. I really tried, I really cannot do it.

He knew something was wrong, he kept asking me, he told me I could tell him everything and he would always support me. That of course would not be true if I did have the guts to tell him. He even started crying because I couldn’t trust him enough to talk about my problems to him, he is an amazing person, I cannot destroy him.

I don’t know what to do, the words will just not come out of my mouth.

I am starting to see my real issues, I am looking at myself closely and I don’t like what I see. Last night a guy that I am ‘friends with benefits’ with came over and wanted some. I said no but then this stupid thing happens where I just lose control. I changed into a bikini so we could have a spa together and it was only at the last minute that I snapped out of it and told him to leave. Maybe that is progress? A week ago I would have had sex with him. It’s not much consolation I understand but it is still better than what it could have been.

I also asked one of my girlfriends why they don’t stop me when they know I have a boyfriend. She just said they will always cover for me. That is not what I want anymore. I told her that, I told her that I want to stop, I told her that I am going to see a counselor to help me stop. She was not impressed, she thinks I am stupid for doing it. I would like to talk to her more about it but she is not my focus right now, I need to save what I have with my boyfriend. Well actually, I just need to tell him first but I just cannot. It is too big to just say ‘hey, guess what….’ Maybe it would just be easier if I moved away, I can go and live with my mum in another state and then try to start fresh with a new attitude toward life?

[Woggle]

You can't run from your issues. If you do without confronting them you will only end up doing the same thing somewhere else. Continue with the counseling and if your friends really don't want to see you better yourself maybe think about getting some new friends.

[todreaminblue]

I guess the title says it all really. I am still relatively young at 25 but have found a man I am madly in love with, he is all I think about, when I wake up, at work, at night, whenever I have a spare moment he is occupying my thoughts and I know it’s real because I get that tingle when I think of him. Just driving over to his house every night or waiting for him to come to mine I am all nervous, butterflies, like I have never experienced before. He says he feels the same. We will be together one year in February.

Well all that is great but I have been single since I was 20 and I have made a point of experiencing everything that I could in that time. I would well and truly make Santa’s naughty list. I have used men, lied to them, cheated with them, cheated on them, you name it I have done it justifying it by saying I was single and it will all stop once I find the right man.

Well I have found him, and I can’t stop. I really have been trying but I go to a nightclub with the girls and it just happens, I end up snogging someone or even going home with them. I am not proud of this, in fact I feel disgusted with myself but yet I still keep on doing it. I travel all around with my job (deliveries) and I will drop into one of the guys places that I know for a quickie. No problem when I was single but why am I doing this now? I think I had no boundaries for so long I don’t know how to re-establish them.

He is a wonderful man, very open, very sexual. Our relationship lacks nothing, I long for the next time I meet with him but I am just a wanton woman I guess and I keep on cheating on him over and over again. He does know of one time when I cheated on him with one of his friends. His friend told him and he has forgiven us. He is that wonderful that he forgave us, I want this man forever. How can I destroy him by cheating on him probably 10-20 times he doesn’t know about? I know it is wrong, I just can’t control myself when I get that urge. I just want it to stop so I can concentrate on him and hopefully he never finds out about any of the others and I can stay committed to him.

Can anyone help? I really don’t want to hear that I should break up with him, I know I should do that. I really don’t want to hear that I need to tell him the truth, I know that too. I want to know how I can stop screwing around and putting in jeopardy a relationship with the best thing that has ever happened to me. Why when I want him so badly do I put it all on the line for a cheap thrill with someone I have no feelings for?

 

 

 

you are maybe a nymph or could be polar...you have an addiction to sex whether you give it a name for a disorder or condition

 

 

it is basically an addiction of sex, as with any addiction you have to own it...nymphs dont feel disgust at what they do and some nymphs can be in a faithful relationship their sex addiction is related only to their partner i have known of girls like this when they find the right guy......they are highly sexual but are satisfied with their partner.......it is still an addiction but one that is held in check.......its like having a drink at the same bar every day where you have to have that drink no other bar will do or do you want to go to ....just that one drink at your fave bar.........thats still an alcoholic but not a falling down alcoholic....you are in the falling down alcoholic doing a pub crawl realm..

 

 

 

 

.any addiction has treatment.....sex gamboling drugs alcohol.....there should be somewhere you can get help nearby with addictions a treatment center maybe....what you are doing is putting your bf at risk of catching something you dont really know the guys you sleep with and have you slipped and not used a condom?

 

 

if you have you need to tell your partner so he can get checked.......i know you dont want to hear it but that is what advice is...you have to open up to your partner because he has the right to protect himself if you arent protecting him..

 

 

 

condoms are also not 100 per cent guaranteed and they dont stop crabs or topical or surface lesions or warts that you dont see under pubic hair unless you give a thorough exam,in every fold or crease or spot you didnt think to look like ..........around the perineum....sobering thought huh?????.......

 

 

think about him i know you do ....you are disgusted in your actions and if this is the case....do soemthing right and get help be honest with your guy and hope he will stand by you...if he doesnt ....that is his right...you are taking them away from him, his freedom and his choice thats not fair.....deb

Edited December 11, 2012 by todreaminblue

[Mumbles]

wow, some pretty harsh feedback here.

 

From the first few posts this problem to me sounds exactly like any sort of addiction.

 

Therapy seems like a good idea, but the only way I could get over my addiction (no not sex) was to stop hitting my triggers. If you can't stop yourself getting up to mischief when you go clubbing for instance, well, stop going to clubs. Certain activities can be linked together in your brain and having sex is pretty fantastic, usually, so your brain puts 2 and 2 together and gets 4, no surprise.

 

If you have a super high sex drive and you just want to learn some control, well, in the interim you still need to stop with the triggers to promiscuous behaviour, but how about upping the frequency with the boyfriend? Wake him up in the nicest possible way. Put him to sleep at the end of the day similarly, heck, you're a delivery driver, go meet him in the middle of the day for a quickie.

[Bryanp]

I think that you may have underestimated your boyfriend. It sounds like he really loves you and he indeed might surprise you. If the roles were reversed and he told you, would you automatically kick him to the curb? I don't think you have enough faith in your boyfriend.

 

If you do not tell him and move away he will think he did something wrong and you just did not care for him at all. I think that is much more cruel than telling him the truth. Good luck.

[todreaminblue]

wow, some pretty harsh feedback here.

 

From the first few posts this problem to me sounds exactly like any sort of addiction.

 

Therapy seems like a good idea, but the only way I could get over my addiction (no not sex) was to stop hitting my triggers. If you can't stop yourself getting up to mischief when you go clubbing for instance, well, stop going to clubs. Certain activities can be linked together in your brain and having sex is pretty fantastic, usually, so your brain puts 2 and 2 together and gets 4, no surprise.

 

If you have a super high sex drive and you just want to learn some control, well, in the interim you still need to stop with the triggers to promiscuous behaviour, but how about upping the frequency with the boyfriend? Wake him up in the nicest possible way. Put him to sleep at the end of the day similarly, heck, you're a delivery driver, go meet him in the middle of the day for a quickie.

 

 

thoughtful advice....addictions are hard going and therapy is really the only respite....i hope she does get help because even if the sex is held in check by many many times with her partner...guys do burn out and the problem could reoccur...i totally agree with triggers and the best course of action is prevention and honesty on what triggers those drives......

 

 

i relate to the poster.....the medication i was on killed all desire all emotion and mostly all thoughts....zombie ville......i aodre sex but it has to eb with the right guy...someone who knows me well......i am self aware and go to the opposite side of the spectrum if i am not attracted to a guy i wont have sex with them no matter hopw toey i am...i have extreme will power when i knwo its for the best so guys can think i am frigid and i let them think that...because i am not medicated i am avoiding clubs.....i love to dance so it sucks....but i hit th ebitumen with my ipod and dance whiel i am walking....or goign to gym...my personal trainer said she loves that abotu me ...when i am lifting weights even ....lol....she said she sees the dance in me.......smilin...i use dance alot for release from tension and it is better if someone isnt grinding on me because i can be seductive without meaning to be.....exercise is good therapy for sexual tension.....sd is medication if you wan tto eb a zombie....i am self aware.....in the sense i know what diseases and the pitfalls of casual sex....its just not me ....turns me off actually....so illl just get super fit and the guy that is next with me has to be unbreakable and pretty calm.....lol.....being in a committed relationship is also the best place to be .......partners love it...if they dont burn out or break in the process....deb

Edited December 11, 2012 by todreaminblue

[2sunny]

You see - love is actions - not words.

 

And your actions have been hurtful to him because you have pretended to be faithful when you've cheated so many times.

 

Our ACTIONS define WHO we are. Think about that for a while.........

 

You couldn't possibly love him - not when you've done what you've done.

 

Just end it with him - tell him you need to work on yourself for a long while without any distractions.

 

That's all you need to say.

[Darren Steez]

I can't stand people who use the word LOVE, then turn around and do the opposite.

 

Love is about respect, devotion, honor and trust. You lie, cheat, steal (affection) and you dishonor this man with your actions. Have you told him you're an "addict".

 

All this crap about brains switching off, when you go to the club with him and other guys are there does your brain switch off when you come in contact with another man? Of course not.

 

Your guy lets you go out by yourself because he trusts you, doesn't he deserve to be happy? Not to be lied to? If this is who you are why dont you tell him and let him decide if he wants to be with you, if this is the life he wants?

 

I mean other men are coming to your house for sex and his girlfriend is changing into a bikini...

 

Words fail me because the level of selfishness is epic.

 

All I hear is I can't tell him because I might lose him, I just feel sorry for the guy, I'm so so sorry for him.

[SupaSexySally]

Hey, I just got back from my counseling appointment and I don't think it's for me. I want to talk about how I can stop what I am doing and he wants to talk about a whole bunch of other unrelated stuff. I don't care about my relationship with my parents, I am fine with how that is, I want to deal with this issues that I am not fine with. He just says we will get onto that in due course. I am paying this guy, he should help me with what I want help with, not try and unravel a family dynamic that doesn't need fixing.

I spoke to some friends before posting here and they seem to think that he thinks it may all be related somehow. I'm guessing I will get the same advice here. But I don't want to spend the next 10 weeks or however long it will take dealing with issues I am not interested in before we can start talking about the important things.

I want to start putting in strategies now so I can stop hurting the people I care about now. I want to start dealing with my sex addiction (if that is even what it is) now, not after we go through all my childhood and family life.

I am seriously considering dropping this. I am only going to stick with it because I want to give myself every chance of being able to salvage my relationship with my boyfriend.

[Mumbles]

Hey, I just got back from my counseling appointment and I don't think it's for me. I want to talk about how I can stop what I am doing and he wants to talk about a whole bunch of other unrelated stuff.

 

I've never been to a professional therapist, though I have benefited greatly from a close friend who I reckon is about as good.

 

One pointer I picked up over the coarse of many years where she has been helping me with my own stuff - Don't expect someone to just write down the answer to your perceived problems. You will get that here in the forums and I've probably done it myself in this thread, but I don't believe therapists do things this way, I think they lead you to more self awareness and finding your own answers. At some point you will go "ahhhh" and understand where the therapist has been going, but you can't rush it. They need to listen to you, make some comments, listen to you some more, have you go away and think about what you said and the paths they led you down, then come back and discuss that.

 

It all sounds very airy-fairy, but I reckon theres some great stuff in there, and because you will eventually come to your own (guided perhaps) conclusions you know they will be right for you.

 

 

I don't care about my relationship with my parents, I am fine with how that is, I want to deal with this issues that I am not fine with. He just says we will get onto that in due course. I am paying this guy, he should help me with what I want help with, not try and unravel a family dynamic that doesn't need fixing.

 

Sure. If you feel that he's started at the wrong end, well, you are paying, make sure you mention this and ask him to start at the other end, the "where I am now" end. He's still going to want to work backwards, but that should be fine.

 

The other thing is, you have to feel comfortable with a councillor/therapist. This will probably be a combination of gender/personality/experience/etc. For example, I don't think I could have opened up in the way I did to a man, so a male therapist almost certainly wouldn't work for me. You have a male therapist, this might work for you ... or perhaps not ... its all pretty personal. How do you feel about the guy after 1 meeting? If you don't feel comfortable or reckon he's not listening to you, well, find another one

 

 

I spoke to some friends before posting here and they seem to think that he thinks it may all be related somehow. I'm guessing I will get the same advice here.

 

Yep - I reckon. _Everything_ is related to everything in your life experience.

 

 

But I don't want to spend the next 10 weeks or however long it will take dealing with issues I am not interested in before we can start talking about the important things.

 

Thats fair too. I'd ask the guy (or another guy) to start at your perception of the problem and see if he can work from there.

 

 

I am seriously considering dropping this. I am only going to stick with it because I want to give myself every chance of being able to salvage my relationship with my boyfriend.

 

Don't drop it yet. You should have a feeling for how things are going in 4-5 visits I'd have thought. This stuff isn't like going to the GP to drop a 'get better' pill unfortunately.

Edited December 13, 2012 by Mumbles
spelling

[sweet_pea]

Simply, you can stop, you just choose not too.

[SupaSexySally]

Update.

I have had counseling session number 2 and 3.

The second sessions was a joke with this guy. He came in with a student he was mentoring and asked if it was ok for him to listen in. I said no so he left but the counselor seemed really peeved by this. I told him it wasn't working and left after 10 minutes.

I organised a different counselor from a different place and she is wonderful. We have only had one meeting but she just understands me, I feel comfortable with her. I am sure she will be able to help.

I have been controlling myself pretty much as well. I have not slept with anyone else since which I think is pretty good (I know how terrible that sounds but from where I have come). I did though stuff up at work when I ended up in a very passionate situation with a guy I make regular deliveries to. I think it would have gone further but another delivery driver turned up with a delivery. Baby steps I guess.

I still have not told my boyfriend and I know that is wrong but I cant. I will beat this and I will be the most loving, faithful, appreciative girlfriend anyone could wish for.

[2sunny]

Any counselor wants your history. It's the pieces o your puzzle. It's how you got where you are.

 

Yes, it means everything. To ignore your past is just the same as staying in denial.

 

It is wise to allow the counselor to lead you to what you need to know.

[sadpanda87]

any sane man who wants a monogamous relationship would not go near you with a trn foot pole.

 

it sounds like you are

 

a; sex addict, you're just so used to random hook ups

 

b; have self esteem issues. could be too high or too low, either way you require the constant validation that these booty calls give you. we can tell you are self centred

 

i think you need to put your relationship to an end. go for counselling or some form of therapy, and until you get better please dont pretend to commit to anyone.id hate to be the guy that loves you

[Darren Steez]

Update.

I have had counseling session number 2 and 3.

The second sessions was a joke with this guy. He came in with a student he was mentoring and asked if it was ok for him to listen in. I said no so he left but the counselor seemed really peeved by this. I told him it wasn't working and left after 10 minutes.

I organised a different counselor from a different place and she is wonderful. We have only had one meeting but she just understands me, I feel comfortable with her. I am sure she will be able to help.

I have been controlling myself pretty much as well. I have not slept with anyone else since which I think is pretty good (I know how terrible that sounds but from where I have come). I did though stuff up at work when I ended up in a very passionate situation with a guy I make regular deliveries to. I think it would have gone further but another delivery driver turned up with a delivery. Baby steps I guess.

I still have not told my boyfriend and I know that is wrong but I cant. I will beat this and I will be the most loving, faithful, appreciative girlfriend anyone could wish for.

So if the other guy hadn't turned up, it would have gone further? And this guy makes regular deliveries, so it's going to happen again.

You got guys turning up at your house, do you tell your boyfriend about them?

You got guys turning up at your work, do you tell your boyfriend about them.

You're getting into situations which put your boyfriend at risk of sexual disease, look up the HPV virus.

 

I just don't buy it, shouldn't your boyfriend have the choice in this matter? Let him decide if he wants to work through this with you, because I'm afraid what you are doing is utterly horrible and shows blatant disregard for this supposed love you feel for him.

 

Look it's up to you if you want to have wanton sex or not, heck it's even ok if you tell your boyfriend and he agrees with it. But what you are doing is immoral and deceitful. How many "baby-steps", sexual encounters will it take until you finally become this woman you're so desperately trying to be.

 

Love is about trust, honor and respect. Which of these have you proved to your boyfriend, with whom you've most likely been cheating on since you meet him.

 

I don't buy it.

[SupaSexySally]

Love is about trust, honor and respect. Which of these have you proved to your boyfriend, with whom you've most likely been cheating on since you meet him.

 

I can't defend myself, I know I am wrong, but I am working on it.

It's hard to vebalise what I am going throigh. I really do love him and the feelings and sensations I get when around him are intense. It's just that when I am not around him I can't control whatever it is. I don't like it, I feel guilty afterwards but while 'in the moment' I have no control.

I am good for my boyfriend, I have bought him into a whole new social circle and everyone says we are a great couple. We do love each other. I guess you can't understand how I can love him but still threat him like crap by cheating, well neither do I, but I am working towards understanding it.

I know I should tell him but I just cannot bare the thought of losing him if I do.

[GSB81]

Even if you beat this... Whatever it is... And you become this super girlfriend, what you have already done will always hang over your relationship. You're good for your boyfriend? Oh wow!!!!

[Andy_K]

Losing him might well be the trigger you need to fix your behaviour.

 

Ask yourself if you'd be willing to lose him if you knew it would fix you, so that you'd be able to have relationships further down the line. If the answer is 'no', then you're still too self-centred.

 

Do you have empathy? Do you feel saddened by the idea of a mother losing her children, or a dog being starved? The first step to having a conscience strong enough to stop you doing these things is to have a well developed sense of empathy. To genuinely care about the pain you can inflict.

[SupaSexySally]

Do you have empathy?

 

Of course I do. I feel the pain when an animal is is pain, I cry with them and for them. That is why I volunteer at an animal shelter.

I cried for the children and the parents at the recent Sandy Hook killings. I am not a monster.

I cry at night when I think about what I do to my boyfriend and myself. But the more I research it the more I do believe I have a sex addiction. I honestly just can't stop. Just like any addiction it will take time and there will be relapses along the way. But I am working on it and I will beat/control this. I am not a bad person.

[sayyes19]

Of course I do. I feel the pain when an animal is is pain, I cry with them and for them. That is why I volunteer at an animal shelter.

I cried for the children and the parents at the recent Sandy Hook killings. I am not a monster.

I cry at night when I think about what I do to my boyfriend and myself. But the more I research it the more I do believe I have a sex addiction. I honestly just can't stop. Just like any addiction it will take time and there will be relapses along the way. But I am working on it and I will beat/control this. I am not a bad person.

 

I don't think you will be able to see the big picture until you experience some sort of consequences for your actions. You need to tell your boyfriend. His happiness should be a higher priority than yours after what you've done.

[Darren Steez]

I'm out, there's just no reasoning with some people, good luck to you and your boyfriend.

[nofool4u]

I guess the title says it all really. I am still relatively young at 25 but have found a man I am madly in love with, he is all I think about, when I wake up, at work, at night, whenever I have a spare moment he is occupying my thoughts and I know it’s real because I get that tingle when I think of him. Just driving over to his house every night or waiting for him to come to mine I am all nervous, butterflies, like I have never experienced before. He says he feels the same. We will be together one year in February.

Well all that is great but I have been single since I was 20 and I have made a point of experiencing everything that I could in that time.

 

Ok, so thats 5 years of sewing your oats. How much time do you need?

 

 

I have used men, lied to them, cheated with them, cheated on them, you name it I have done it justifying it by saying I was single and it will all stop once I find the right man.

Well I have found him, and I can’t stop.

 

Then set him free from you.

 

 

I really have been trying but I go to a nightclub with the girls and it just happens

 

Well I guess part of it is on him if he likes a girl that goes clubbing.

 

 

I end up snogging someone or even going home with them. I am not proud of this, in fact I feel disgusted with myself but yet I still keep on doing it. I travel all around with my job (deliveries) and I will drop into one of the guys places that I know for a quickie. No problem when I was single but why am I doing this now? I think I had no boundaries for so long I don’t know how to re-establish them.

He is a wonderful man, very open, very sexual. Our relationship lacks nothing, I long for the next time I meet with him but I am just a wanton woman I guess and I keep on cheating on him over and over again. He does know of one time when I cheated on him with one of his friends. His friend told him and he has forgiven us. He is that wonderful that he forgave us, I want this man forever. How can I destroy him by cheating on him probably 10-20 times he doesn’t know about? I know it is wrong, I just can’t control myself when I get that urge. I just want it to stop so I can concentrate on him and hopefully he never finds out about any of the others and I can stay committed to him.

Can anyone help?

 

No. This desire of yours to bone as many men as you can, cheat, etc, will not go away. Even if you try to stop, the idea of only being able to bed down one man for the rest of your life will drive someone like you crazy.

 

Best you stay single and set him free.

 

 

I really don’t want to hear that I should break up with him, I know I should do that. I really don’t want to hear that I need to tell him the truth, I know that too. I want to know how I can stop screwing around and putting in jeopardy a relationship with the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

You can't. Its simply your character.

 

 

Why when I want him so badly do I put it all on the line for a cheap thrill with someone I have no feelings for?

 

Your character. Just look at your chosen LS username. People who think that highly of themselves, conceited if you will, feel that they should share their wonderful selves with as many people as possible.

Edited December 20, 2012 by nofool4u

[nofool4u]

I have read and re-read this thread a number of times and tried to look at all the posts (including my own) objectively and have realized that my problem is bigger than I thought. I have booked in with a counselor for later this week to start discussing my issues. I still really want to stay with my boyfriend but no doubt part of the process will be telling him the truth so there is no chance he will want me after finding out what I have done.

 

Thats the chance you are going to have to take. Because if you don't tell him the truth about the person he is committing himself to, then you don't respect him, your feet won't be held to the fire, and you will simply learn that you can get away with screwing him over.

 

 

Thanks for opening my eyes, something it seems my girlfriends were either unable or unwilling to do.

 

And theres another thing. If you truly want to change, then it should start with no longer going to clubs. You don't want to do that? Then set him free. But really, he should realize for himself that dating a clubber is no good.

[sharsh]

I haven't read through everything completely, but I'm going to give my two cents to you Sally, and the other posters here more than likely will not agree with me.

Also, I can't believe how harsh everyone has been.. I guess you have to be or have been in this situation to really understand.

 

First, I'm going to share a little bit about my past relationship I've been posting about on LS. I haven't opened up about this portion of my relationship here, because I didn't want mean/rude comments, etc.

 

ANYWAY. When my relationship started out everything was great. I mean, everything. We moved in together about 7 months in. A few months later, things turned to worse. We were arguing a lot, fighting, he was neglecting me, playing waaaay too much xbox so much so that he rather play his games than spend any amount of time with me. Even though all of that was going on, I still loved him, he still loved me. The love was VERY much still there, if that makes sense.

 

Then that's where guy number one came in to the picture. My ex met him through a friend at work, and they started hanging out. Number one had my phone number, at the time my ex and I shared my phone. When he'd come to our apartment, he'd text me things like, "wow you look really pretty tonight" "you're so amazing, I don't see how he can treat you like this" basic flirty texts. I fed in to them, because I wasn't getting attention from my man. Guy number one also had a girlfriend, I asked him if he ever cheated on her, he told me yes, then proceeded to ask me if I ever cheated on my boyfriend, which up until that moment I hadn't. Fast forward a while, and we were sneaking behind my boyfriends back. The first time when we had sex, it was probably comparable to hitting a crack pipe for the first time (lol?) I felt a high, a rush. I was hooked. We hooked up a few more times, until I ended it. I enjoyed it, but at the same time, I felt hurt when I looked at my boyfriend. I felt so guilty. I guess not guilty enough though..

 

Guy number two came along about a month or so later after I had ended it with guy one. I had just started a new job at a restaurant as a hostess, he was a busser. He was very flirty with me, I told him I had a boyfriend, I was trying to be good. Things were better with my boyfriend this time around. However he kept pursuing me, saying things like, We could still be friends, you know? Fast forward that situation, I hooked up with him twice, went to his house. I never had full on sex with him, but I still got that same high, that same rush. He actually ended it with me, because his ex girlfriend came back into the picture, and he wanted to pursue that. I was fine.

 

Then came around guy number three. He had been in my life since high school (I was seeing his friend at the time), and there was ALWAYS that attraction there. He contacted me through facebook, confessing he had always liked me, back when I was seeing his friend, and now I was with my then-boyfriend, and he still liked me. I pursued him. Ended up making out with him once in my car in front of his house, he wanted to take it farther, but I just didn't. I felt bad for my boyfriend.

 

A few break ups to make ups happened between my boyfriend and I throughout the time living together, and the final time we got together I told myself I'd be faithful. It was hard. I had started another new job, and there were so many 'suitors' there. It was hard to deny them. Tell them no. But I did. Then I met another guy at work, and just kind of fell for him. We texted semi-flirty things, but nothing became of them.

 

That's when I started counseling. I had to change (along with other personal issues I was having, that weren't related to this). I told my therapist about all of my encounters over that year. I told her how I did feel bad, and how I was now trying to be faithful, and was being successful, besides the flirting. She helped me a lot. I also asked her if I should tell my then-boyfriend about all of the cheating I had done... This is where people are NOT going to agree with me. She told me no. Why ruin his happiness? If you have it under control now, you are just digging up the past. Is basically what she told me. I do agree with her. If you can change, and are willing to work towards that change, why tell them? Of course it's best to be honest with the one you love, of course it is! But if you know this is something you can change, to prevent in the future... leave it in the past.

 

I'm going against what everyone else is saying...to an extent. Do not tell him about your infidelities. Why hurt him? CONTINUE to seek therapy, and put all of their advice to use to your full advantage. REALLY work on changing this about yourself. I never told my ex boyfriend, and once I had stopped (at least the actual sexual contact/seeing other men) our relationship was good in that aspect... I mean, we had other problems, but this was no longer one of them. He still doesn't know until this day.

 

HOWEVER!! If you do NOT see yourself progressing or moving beyond this, and you cannot move past the guilt (assuming there is some level of guilt on your end for all of the cheating)... Leave him. I know you won't want to. But if you can't change your ways... LEAVE. It's not fair to him if you KEEP doing this. I cannot stress this enough.

 

 

LS... please be nice to me for this one lol.