In love with MM

[veryhappy]

Keep the after the holidays expiration date, but stick to it. You don't want either of you to trigger suspicions at home, and the holidays are the worst time to do that. Maybe see him less with the excuse of your H being at home or you being busy, but don't start the drama now. It's very emotional to end an A and you won't be able to fake the holiday cheer.

[TheOW]

I was married for 20 years and had an active sex life till the very end. Bare minimum twice a week in the later years.

 

Let tell you a little secret: The initial lust of all relationships wanes down once you have your partner available to you 24/7 365 days a week.

 

How is is possible to maintain an active sexual life for years and years? This is only for the truly sexually adventurous people. Anyone can have an active sex life at the onset or during an affair. The conditions are perfect for an increased libido. However, those that lack stamina and imagination fall off very quickly withing two years. I know many couples in your age group that only have sex twice a year and seem to be OK with that.

 

In reality you are probably sexually boring. Your MM is probably sexually boring too. That is why his wife is not attracted to him. Folks that are sexually boring need variety, otherwise they fall off very quickly.

 

 

No im not sexually boring ive always had a high sex drive it did wane after pregnancy tho but returned very quickly .. just not for my partner.

 

Cutedragon: this is also my thinking I will not dampen my kids festive period because "mummy" is feeling sad. Im going to stick with the date and thats it, its going to hurt like hell, I will most likely see him around but thats my own fault for starting this in the first place.

[Pierre]

No im not sexually boring ive always had a high sex drive it did wane after pregnancy tho but returned very quickly .. just not for my partner.

 

Cutedragon: this is also my thinking I will not dampen my kids festive period because "mummy" is feeling sad. Im going to stick with the date and thats it, its going to hurt like hell, I will most likely see him around but thats my own fault for starting this in the first place.

 

So what is your partner doing for sex? Is he asexual?

 

I think you should break up now. I don't get the "I will break up after the holidays". That sounds like a lame excuse. We tend to postpone what we do not want to do.

 

Furthermore, if you have decided to end the relationship now with a date after Xmas you have by all practical purpose end the relationship today.

 

I think you have a wishy washy plan and as usual you are rationalizing.

 

And I still think that twice a month (later changed to twice a week) is a low number for an affair that is not long distance.

[TheOW]

Maybe i have written something incorrectly but it has never been "twice a month" at the beginning of the affair sex was sporadic but last few months it has been very intense with at least twice a week - at the beginning of this thread i didnt reveal as much about my affair.

 

Yes maybe i am holding onto hope or the "fairytale" but truthfully do i want this A to end ? honest answer no. If it does Im terrified that i have to start moving things forward in ending my relationship with my partner - and as i have already expressed before i have been having these thoughts well before i met MM.

 

Im not sure about my partners sexual nees or if he's asexual or not - he has mentioned that we need to start becoming physical again but i do tend to ignore this (it will be hurting him i know but i just cant do it)

[Pierre]

 

 

Im not sure about my partners sexual nees or if he's asexual or not - he has mentioned that we need to start becoming physical again but i do tend to ignore this (it will be hurting him i know but i just cant do it)

 

You are fully detached from your marriage.

 

 

I suspect your H has an OW and she has been informed of your monumental lack of interest in sex. That is why he does not nag you about sex. Someone else is meeting his needs. Whether you have an MM or not is a moot point for your H.

 

 

The issue is: What are your long term plans. Your marriage is over and the MM is not a viable option. This is a crucial moment in your life and you need a psych to guide you.

[2sunny]

Divorce your husband and demand that this OM marry you!

 

See how willing he is to see you then...

[TheOW]

No my Partner is not having an affair this im positive of - he never leaves the house and comes straight home from work

 

MM wont leave his wife and he wont marry me and truthfully i dont think i would marry him either, deep down im probably only in this affair to escape the reality of a break-up with partner. But i do still "love" MM or have very intense emotions for him.

 

My next step is to end the affair and end reltaionship with partner and me and children must start living on our own, i will not become involved with anyone for a long time I just cant go through all these emotions again its not worth the heartache, the kids will always have their father around who will love them unconditionally regardless of how he feels for me and i dont want anyone to replace their father.

[Pierre]

No my Partner is not having an affair this im positive of - he never leaves the house and comes straight home from work

 

 

I am certain your H feels the same way about you. He does not have a clue. Quite often betrayed spouses are too trusting. They cannot imagine infidelity, that is not part of their vocabulary.

 

MM wont leave his wife and he wont marry me and truthfully i dont think i would marry him either,

 

Hmm, why? You said MM was ideal in each and every way. Wht would stop you from not marrying him? That is a new angle from you.

 

deep down im probably only in this affair to escape the reality of a break-up with partner. But i do still "love" MM or have very intense emotions for him.

 

The feelings of folks that are prone to have affairs are usually very intense. This is much more than a simple non-complicated romance in the open. People that are in desperate need of external validation fall very hard with whomever does the job.

 

You have very strong emotional needs to survive and this man provides what you need quite well. After all, this is the specialty of most cheating MMs. They go out and find a woman that disregards the marital statues in exchange of support and emotional needs.

 

My next step is to end the affair and end reltaionship with partner and me and children must start living on our own, i will not become involved with anyone for a long time I just cant go through all these emotions again its not worth the heartache, the kids will always have their father around who will love them unconditionally regardless of how he feels for me and i dont want anyone to replace their father.

 

I congratulate your statement, however, knowing what needs to be done and doing are different things. It is very likely that you will not end this relationship.. The fate of your relationship is essentially in the hands of his wife. When a d-day comes you will be thrown under the bus. If the marriage of MM is long term with assets they will likely remain married and you will be known as the town's home wrecker. Your H will be known as the "cuckold" and your kids will pay the price.

 

You need to stop this nonsense today and see a psychologist. You need to find out why you cannot have a relationship with a long term partner and why you need new meat to feel excited.

 

You need to figure out why you take the wrong step every single time.

 

And yes: You need to be alone for a long time and not date anyone.

[Pierre]

BTW, I forgot to add:

 

The fact that you are here posting and analyzing these issues is to be highly admired. This likely signifies that you are on your way.

 

 

Happy Turkey Day!!!

[TheOW]

Thanks for ur advice Pierre I must state this to u.

 

I don't think I would marry MM because of the age difference deep down I know it would become an issue in years to come just like my current partners at the moment. And could I really take a "supposedly" happily married man away from his family if I'm not even sure I would want him in years to come (I say supposedly because if he was that happy he would t be having an affair, and I know no one on here believes me when I say he really/wasn't the type to do something like this)

 

Will I end it ? Yes I will I have even noticed my lack of obsession with him over the last few days (I'm still crazy about him but I'm not constantly thinking about him) i don't have my phone attached to me waiting on his texts,

 

Truthfully I'm tired I'm tired emotionally and physically I know the end is coming soon and I want it to be on my terms not his - I will have a good talkin to myself over the weekend and hopefully get my act together and start being a woman who chooses her own path and doesn't rely on others "men" it's me and my kids with the support of their father (because I have absolutely nothing bad to say about him other than I'm sorry I have fallen out of love wih him) he's amazing and need a woman who appreciates him more than I do

Edited November 22, 2012 by TheOW

[2sunny]

Get counseling to address your Daddy issues - and most likely abandonment as well.

[veryhappy]

Hockeyfan, ending an affair is a challenge in itself. It's very emotional for all sides who aren't really over the other person. December is a tricky month and she'll likely see less of him anyway. Ending it now may cause a dday if one of them would be behaving out of character when at home. After the holidays one can blame it on feeling blah after the holidays.

[TheOW]

Why in the world would you drag out this affair through the holidays? Knowing full well it is going to end, why would you do that to yourself and your family? RIP the bandaid off and end it now...why wait! SO you can get a few extra sex sessions in? If you are in such a small town, and as of yet have not been caught by others, continuing this game is risking exposure and a d day at the holidays. Its bad enough what you two have done with regards to betrayal to your respective partners, do you want your affair exposed during the holidays? If you think are you in emotional turmoil NOW, can you image how you will feel to be discovered right at the end of the affair anyway?

 

Just end it. Work on yourself and get yourself healthier and then in the new year, end things with your husband.

 

You do seem to wabble back and forth about the MM and his future plans - you seem to think there is hope that he will leave. Why? You have said you and he have a planned end date...yet you seem to still hold onto hope that he will 'pick you'.

 

It seems like you rely on men to make you complete - as in unable to be YOU without a guy attached to you. That is what you really need to address. Get a job, more than 10 hours a week, and start building your own life. Both you and your partner are financially responsible for those kids...time for you to start doing your share instead of relying on your partner to do it all. If for nothing else than a sense of accomplishment and independance.

 

I do my fair share believe me !! I have 2, 2 year olds a home who I care for I also for the house and put the dinner on the table and I work !! I would rather spend time with my children than have them put into childminding full time and only see them for a few hours per day (after all I chose to have children so u can be sure I will spend as much time with them as possible) Also the cost of the childminding would most likely be more than my wage! You can sit there and critics me for cheating and lying but do not sit and talk sh*t that I do not enough. My partner is financially supportive - that's his role my role is to brin up our kids and make them as comfortable as can be with or without him.

Edited November 23, 2012 by TheOW

[TheOW]

Oh jeez, yet ANOTHER martyr falling on the sword for her kids. God FORBID you could do the HONEST thing, the thing that actually takes strength of character and integrity - leaving this sham of a realtionship with your boyfriend and moving on with your life in a healthy and mature way.

 

No, you'd rather continue wearing that hair shirt and thinking you're Mother of the Year for making such a HUGE sacrifice for your kids by staying with their daddy - someone you can't even stomach touching anymore - and sneaking around to hotels with some married guy.

 

So let me get this straight. You're willing to risk your children's security for an occasional romp in the hay with someone your father's age, correct? You think it's perfectly fine to roll the dice and sneak around and chance getting caught with your midlife crisis boyfriend - which would create HAVOC in your househould as WELL as the possible shattering of the family unit you're trying SO hard not to compromise.

 

You honestly think chancing the complete annihilation of your family on a D-Day is better for your kids to experience? Warfare in the household and their daddy possibly moving out or kicking YOUR butt out of the house is a risk you'd rather take and it's preferable to doing the right thing?

 

I don't know, but that sure doesn't sound Mother of the Year material to me.

 

Have u actually read what i have been saying? If u go through the posts u will see how confused i was at the beginning of this thread, my mothering abilities have absolutely nothing to do with my A - Yes i understand more than i did when i first posted this what i am doing and what the consequences are if we are caught! what i am attempting to do right now is back away - its not easy but i am doing it, im not answering his texts im not meeting him because he has time for me - i am slowly trying to get my self together so i can finally just say NO thats it we are finished. But as most people know when u think u are in love its not that easy to do regardless of the other people around you. And when it is over (which will be very soon) I will have choices to make, stay with a man im not in love with to benefit my children (I will do this if need be) or do i break up our family and start over. I have been reading many articles about how to fall back in love with you partner, i am trying! i do not want to split our family up, but i just dont love him anymore - the MM is/was/will always be a mistake, he came along when i was vulnerable and so was he we have shared something we both believe is special to us - but its time to go, its time for him to go back to his wife and its time for me to make decisions.

 

Dont you dare criticise my mothering abilities, yes i am doing wrong by having an affair I know this but that does not and will never affect the love and devotion i have for my children, MM is nothing in comparrison to them and he not anyone else will ever come before them. I got myself in a situation that i am trying very hard to get out of (otherwise i wouldnt be on an internet site asking for help, i would be continuing to fall head over heels for MM) I have come along way since i posted this thread i feel alot stronger and braver in the decisions I WILL make

[frozensprouts]

are you certain that you aren't using your kids as an excuse for your behavior and as an excuse to not have to do something that is difficult and unpleasant? ( end your primary relationship)?

 

How many times has that reason been given by married men who cheat? So often it's not even funny...

 

While it does sound like you may have some issues that you need to work through, these issues do not excuse poor and hurtful behavior...you know what you need to do to make things better, so stop muddling around and do it

[TheOW]

are you certain that you aren't using your kids as an excuse for your behavior and as an excuse to not have to do something that is difficult and unpleasant? ( end your primary relationship)?

 

How many times has that reason been given by married men who cheat? So often it's not even funny...

 

While it does sound like you may have some issues that you need to work through, these issues do not excuse poor and hurtful behavior...you know what you need to do to make things better, so stop muddling around and do it

 

I wont lie to you all it will be profoundly difficult to leave partner yes you can all say im taking advantage of him, he provides money and a home - his home not mine. I do love him as a friend i have absolutely nothing but good to say of him, ive just fallen out of love with him. I had the opportunity a few years ago to walk away but the hurt i seen on him overwhelmed me and i done what lots of people (stupidly) do and started a family. At the time i thought this is it we can do this i will love you again when we have our family (you all dont need to bash me on this either) but i wouldnt change it for the world we have 2 beautiful kids who are loved equally by both of us.

 

I am not using the kids as an excuse my problems will only truly begin when A is over - I may be prolonging the eventual outcome which scares the living heck out of me - being on my own with my kids, it wont be easy but it will be better for all involved in the long term.

[frozensprouts]

I'm not sure if this will help or not, but I can understand the fear of being on your own...

 

after I found out y husband cheated, I had to decide if I could be on my own with my kids or not...the path of least resistance would have been to stay, and just continue on as if nothing had happened...

 

but after some thought, I realized doing that wouldn't be fair to my kids ( wasn't too worried about me..I;m an adult and can take care of myself), but if staying together meant that our kids would have to grow up in a home filled with tension and repressed anger, that wouldn't be right or fair to them...so I told him to go...I won't lie and say that it was easy, but it was for the best...

 

if you are so unhappy in your relationship with their father, then it's best to leave while you still can on good terms...you'll be able to find a way ahead that works out for your kids, him and you too, and you'll still be a family, just not one that lives together...you and their father cab still co-parent, be friends and make decisions that are best for your kids... time to stop running from having to do something really hard, and face up to the task...you can do it, you just have to believe that you can...don't get bogged down in how it hard it feels to do it right now, as the way it feels right now isn't any indication of how you'll feel next week, next month or next year...it may be hard in the short term to leave, but the long term prospects are really good for your children's happiness ( and yours and your current significant others too)

[Pierre]

I wont lie to you all it will be profoundly difficult to leave partner yes you can all say im taking advantage of him, he provides money and a home - his home not mine. I do love him as a friend i have absolutely nothing but good to say of him, ive just fallen out of love with him.

 

You are to be admired for your analysis and clear view of what is in front of you. I believe you are on your way to solve your lifelong issues.

 

However, make no mistake about this. You would have cheated on any other man that had married you at age 17. This is not about your H not being a stud. This is all about your need for external validation.

 

Your H validated you for a while, but at some point the validation at home is not as effective as the validation provided by a NEW person. When an AP desires you you get turned on and you become happy. Being desired and receiving special attention is important for you. A husband of 10 years will not look at you with the same eyes as the AP. For your H you are a routine and nothing special. For your MM you are very important and that makes you happy.

 

But, if you had MM full time 24/7 you would fall into a routine within 2-3 years and you would be back to square one. There is a reason the betrayed spouse is not that interested in your MM. After so many years the betrayed wife sees him as dull and non-interesting man. She looks at your MM in the same way you look at your H.

 

You may ask: How come she does not cheat on him? We don't know that. But, perhaps she does not cheat because she does not need external validation to be happy.

[Lamplight]

Start demanding more of his time and start trying to gain control of the relationship. He will end it pretty quickly if you do that. This guy is playing games and using you.

[TheOW]

I have backed off this week completely - the texts have increased tenfold and he's wanting to meet almost everyday, risking being caught (this is not like him at all he's always so careful) !! I have made excuses, this is really hard but im sticking to my guns at the moment, i will however meet up with him at some point to tell him face-to-face we are over (regardless of what you think he deserves this), just not right now because i will be back in his arms within 5 seconds.

[Pierre]

I have backed off this week completely - the texts have increased tenfold and he's wanting to meet almost everyday, risking being caught (this is not like him at all he's always so careful) !! I have made excuses, this is really hard but im sticking to my guns at the moment, i will however meet up with him at some point to tell him face-to-face we are over (regardless of what you think he deserves this), just not right now because i will be back in his arms within 5 seconds.

 

He is panicking and he senses the end. He is addicted to you even if he never planned to leave the wife.

 

You provide an enormous ego boost and he is high from the effect you provide. He will use all his charm to keep you at his disposal.

 

you are correct; if you meet him in person you will end up having sex. It will be huge make up sex and more intense than usual.

 

Your only hope is complete 100% NC. Change your phone number. Your H may see the texts of of these days.