In love with MM

[TheOW]

Good question: I would end up hating myself even more than i already do, but i do not believe he doesnt love me (or the idea of me anyway)

 

I do not know what i want from this, is it just a distraction from my own failing relationship? Was it just "unfinished business" from that kiss with him 3 years ago. I just want to feel happy like MM makes me i want a man like him I want to feel lust and protection for a man again.

[MissBee]

Good question: I would end up hating myself even more than i already do, but i do not believe he doesnt love me (or the idea of me anyway)

 

I do not know what i want from this, is it just a distraction from my own failing relationship? Was it just "unfinished business" from that kiss with him 3 years ago. I just want to feel happy like MM makes me i want a man like him I want to feel lust and protection for a man again.

 

Did you feel that with your husband before?

[TheOW]

No i can "chalk it up" to a man i fell in love with, shared time with and have fond memories of - i can then move on from him, I can then i time walk past him in the street and smile. I dont want to feel regret

[TheOW]

Did you feel that with your husband before?

 

 

Not for many many years, ive tried time and time again to improve our relationship but his grumpiness and selfishness has pushed me further away. We are 2 different people

[eleanorrigby]

Good question: I would end up hating myself even more than i already do, but i do not believe he doesnt love me (or the idea of me anyway)

 

I do not know what i want from this, is it just a distraction from my own failing relationship? Was it just "unfinished business" from that kiss with him 3 years ago. I just want to feel happy like MM makes me i want a man like him I want to feel lust and protection for a man again.

 

I'd put my money on distraction.

[TheOW]

No i wont be OW in the future i am learning a very hard lesson right now and trust me i never want to feel this pain again, i wont allow that to happen.

[TheOW]

Poor boundaries

No empathy towards the betrayed

Deceptive

Manipulative

Naive

Gullible

Poor self-esteem

Needs external validation

Craves attention

Delusional

 

You'll probably eventually fall into it again because you're not learning the right lessons. And you will likely be targeted by MM should you leave your partner and end things with MM.

 

 

Alice you are very judgemental of me, but i suppose this is probably the way I come accross. Im at a stage in my life where im confused about my future, I dont know where to go or what to do I have 2 very young children who are my world, Im not in love with their father but i stay because the kids are safe here (if i was on my own i wouldnt be here) but im not and the kids come first, regardless if i love my partner or not. I have decisions to make and i will be honest and admit im terrified.

[veryhappy]

TheOW, you won't like everything you hear, and you will know that some things some people assume of you based on your thread are not true. It's part of the experience.

 

What you can do is follow through with ending the A. It helps you in no way to continue it now. Do that, and see where you are. It's a challenge in itself, you don't need to decide if you get divorced now.

[TheOW]

TheOW, you won't like everything you hear, and you will know that some things some people assume of you based on your thread are not true. It's part of the experience.

 

What you can do is follow through with ending the A. It helps you in no way to continue it now. Do that, and see where you are. It's a challenge in itself, you don't need to decide if you get divorced now.

 

 

Thanks cutedragon - as you can probably tell this is my first experience on message boards and i may be becoming a little defensive.

 

Yes I think i have made my mind up even before i came on here, i will stick to the date and be done with it, then when i am over MM i need to either work things with out partner or leave. I know this sounds lame but i dont want to end A right now before xmas I do not want to be depressed and going through emotions I want to be happy for my children at the festive period.

[Pierre]

Dear "The OW"

 

I like the fact that you accept negative comments and continue to post. That tells me you are not that insecure and have strength to deal with this.

 

I don't believe you are a bad person and you are doing the best you can within your own parameters.

 

The problem is that your parameters have been misaligned since day one. Lets try to summarize what you have done based on your own posts.

 

At age 17 got together with old guy age 32 (15 years older).

 

What were you thinking? I am not trying to judge you since you were 17, but that was not the right step. I am certain you rationalized your actions.

 

You matured and found out your partner is not for you. He did not make you happy. And this is key, you need someone to make you happy.

 

In your search for happiness you decided to have kids and that did work, you are still unhappy. Sounds like you even made a kid after kissing MM three years ago

 

Was that the right step? Obviously not! But, I am certain you rationalized your actions.

 

In search of happiness you start an affair with a guy 20 years older, not 15 like your partner, but 20

 

What were you thinking? Older guy and married??? Obviously the wrong step. And what do you do? Rationalize your actions. That is what you are doing now.

 

I have bad news to tell you:

 

You will never ever be happy in your life unless you change your method to seek happiness. Every single wrong step you take will bring more and more misery. Wait till you are in your late 40s. You will be a royal mess in search of happiness. And the problem is that you have no clue about where to find happiness.

 

BTW, you said you had hardly any sex with your husband for the last three years. How is your husband taking this? Any chance your husband has an OW?

[TheOW]

No I dont believe my partner is - he works, comes home, goes to bed & the wknds he's home (im always telling him to go with his friends to the pub, i have told him this years)

 

Ive always been attracted to older men i always felt men my age were too immature (ironic now giving my situation) My partner "saved" me from a very bad relationship and i will always be thankful for that

 

 

When we kissed 3 years ago i got pregnant with partner very soon afterwards (yes this was guilt) but i also knew if me and MM met again something would happen as i previously mentioned we have been drawn to each other for years, I am attractive im not going to deny otherwise and he has said several times he cant believe how attracted i am to him and that he is way out my league (maybe im feeding of this reaction, i dont know) but i do know ive always lusted after this man.

 

 

 

I know my mistakes and im burrying my head in the sand and wont face them. I need to grow up and face things head on, im not a child anymore i have children of my own who need my protection !! I know all this so why do i persist with this ?

[TheOW]

And now my cat has just put a dead mouse on my lap, just great !

[Pierre]

No I dont believe my partner is - he works, comes home, goes to bed & the wknds he's home (im always telling him to go with his friends to the pub, i have told him this years)

 

Do you realize that your partner probably thinks the same about you. He cannot imagine you have an MM on the side.

 

In any event I can imagine your husband telling a prospective OW how you (the wifey) has zero interest in sex. And the OW is going to say: "Oh yeah that is what all cheating men say" And your H will reply: "But it is really true. MY wife has no interest in sex."

 

 

Ive always been attracted to older men i always felt men my age were too immature (ironic now giving my situation) My partner "saved" me from a very bad relationship and i will always be thankful for that

 

Yep, you are not exactly acting in a mature manner.

 

 

I know my mistakes and im burrying my head in the sand and wont face them. I need to grow up and face things head on, im not a child anymore i have children of my own who need my protection !! I know all this so why do i persist with this ?

 

Because you don't know how to be happy.

 

Your H does not know how to make you happy because he is not a player.

 

Your MM is better making you happy because he is charming, the hallmark of men that cheat.

Edited November 21, 2012 by Pierre

[knitwit]

TOW- you are not happy within yourself because, like every other human being, you have issues. You haven't dealt with a lot of them yet. You are still, by your own words, a scared little girl inside. Don't feel badly about that- all women have felt like scared little ones at some point. The question is, are you ready to address that little one and improve things for yourself?

 

I can see that are letting your "inner child", or less mature self, run the show by this fact: you are OK with letting a man put a "Best if Used By" date on you.

 

There is no circumstance where I could be OK with some guy saying to me, or my sister, or my best friend, "I will cuddle, and talk with you, and enjoy sex with you 1-2 times/week until XXX date, then I am leaving to preserve my relationships with the people who I really care about."

 

The only "good" thing I can say for the guy is at least he told you he was dropping you; others just never hear from the guy again.

 

Re: your partner...well, not much to say on that. It is nearly certain that the relationship would split, given that you were 17 and he was 32 when you started. The only way that relationship can work is if each have serious issues (usually the younger have "save me"/daddy or mommy and the older have KISA/control issues.) Very, very few of those relationships last, even as long as yours has.

 

So, here you are. What is your next step?

 

I feel for you, because for me, 27 and 28 were the years that all my issues, and the crap choices I made based on them, finally messed with my life and emotions so badly that I got into therapy. It sucked to get to that point, but I am glad I did, because I was able to create a much better, more stable life in my 30s.

 

My recommendation for your is to find a good therapist. A good therapist will help you see things through different perspectives, will challenge your beliefs, and will help you find better ways forward. You will see that you created your situation- not because you are a bad, evil person, but because you are operating on faulty and destructive beliefs. You can learn how to identify what is missing, what causes that "little girl" inside of you to seek out validation from older men, and to see a "use by date" as a challenge, or a statement that he loves you SO much that he needs to end things! rather than the tremendous insult that it really is. You can learn to give YOURSELF the validation you need. Once you have that foundation within yourself, you can begin to build a more solid life for you and your family.

 

You ARE creating an enormous amount of pain and destruction, though, so it is imperative for you, your kids, and your S/O that you find a better way. Who knows, maybe you and your S/O will be one of those rare couples who make it? But regardless YOU can build a much better life for yourself and your kids.

[stillafool]

Yes i am being very selfish i know that, i spend all day with my kids from 6am till 7pm until partner comes home, i clean my house daily and take kids to the park or walks in the woods and this is the highlight of my life not MM - i also have a part time job and work 10 hours over the weekend, dont get home till 2/3am in the morning then i will get up with kids in the morning because my partner has a "day off" and is catching up on sleep and because he had to watch them while i worked. I chose to work my partner does not like it.

 

Yet you have time to go to the hotel with MM.

[TheOW]

Thanks for the advice and i whole heartedly agree with the majority of it. The daddy issues isnt something i would of thought about, i never had a dad growing up so maybe the "older" guy thing is from this.

 

I have time in the evenings to meet him as i mentioned before i work out alot so a few times a week i go out while kids are in bed and partner is in house

 

The kids Auntie takes them away for the whole day 2-3 times a month -so this answers the motel questions

 

I would never and have never considered bringing MM into my home, I may be a cheat and a liar but even the thought of bringing him here makes me feel ill, no wont happen, this is my kids and partners home and i will not bring my lover into it.

 

Re knitwit: We both agreed on an end date he was for having a later one than I but I said no and gave him a date when we "walk away" And after reading everyones advice I will stick with it, its not long anyway, I love him yes but I am living in fantasy and ive always known this i just needed to be reminded. He's not going to leave his wife and even if he did do I truly believe I would be happy with a man who's nearing 50 ? Deep down the answer is no. Doesnt make loving him any less hard at the moment though.

Edited November 21, 2012 by TheOW

[seren]

TheOW, it really sounds like you need to leave your marriage, A aside, even if you ended it tomorrow, your life would be the same at home. Have you and your H tried to talk about what has gone wrong, he doesn't sound happy either and it doesn't appear to be a happy marriage. Maybe right now you have thoughts that if the MM left his marriage and if you both stayed together it would all remain the same. I don't think that is likely to happen and he might very well be grumpy and not the same when you both have two young kids, you working and him working to support your new life. What happens then? another A to make living in an unfulfilled home life? I don't doubt you are in love with the MM, I have no way of knowing if he is in love with you, but if and when his wife of many years finds out and any children (I am assuming they are adults) find out there would be a whole messy, angry situation and I wonder how you would both cope if this intrudes upon the A you have that takes you away from your current situation.

 

If you are so unhappy and cannot or do not want to fix your marriage, leave, it is hard, but it is doable. If the MM is that unhappy I would say the same to him. Staying in an unhappy marriage and having an A may help to make the marriage bearable and in both your situations you might very well be staying when you would both be better of leaving, both your BS's need to know the truth so they can make informed choices about their future.

[Pierre]

I want to add:

 

Many truly unhappy married people end the marriage.

 

Many bored married people have affairs and rationalize they have an awful marriage.

 

When a wife says the "H is grumpy and does not give me attention" she fails to realize she probably treats the H like s****. The quality goes both ways in a marriage.

 

I suspect the husband of TOW is miserable and often wonders what is wrong with his wife. That would make anyone grumpy. Gee, grumpy was the worst she could do.

 

Husband is grumpy and the wife is f****ing some dude twice a week. No sex for nearly three years. Any man would be grumpy.:laugh:

[stillafool]

No sex will make any man grumpy.

 

 

OW what you don't realize is later in life you will probably want the love of a younger man. Considering you have been involved with all of these older guys I think when you get into your 30's and your sex drive soars more than likely you will want a younger man to satisfy your needs. Plus it seems like you have never had the life of a young woman (going out, having fun and living carefree) and I'm afraid later on you are going to want to experience it. Do you have girlfriends who are your age?

[TheOW]

No sex will make any man grumpy.

 

 

OW what you don't realize is later in life you will probably want the love of a younger man. Considering you have been involved with all of these older guys I think when you get into your 30's and your sex drive soars more than likely you will want a younger man to satisfy your needs. Plus it seems like you have never had the life of a young woman (going out, having fun and living carefree) and I'm afraid later on you are going to want to experience it. Do you have girlfriends who are your age?

 

 

Yes I do but they have all settled down now with their husbands - I lost contact with alot of friends when i first started dating partner.They are very happy with their lives.

[Pierre]

Yes I do but they have all settled down now with their husbands - I lost contact with alot of friends when i first started dating partner.They are very happy with their lives.

 

You said your H saved you when you were 17.

 

He saved you from what?

 

You claim eternal gratitude to your H. Why?

[TheOW]

You said your H saved you when you were 17.

 

He saved you from what?

 

You claim eternal gratitude to your H. Why?

 

 

I would rather not say on message boards but it wasnt a pleasant relationship i was in before i met my partner.

[Pierre]

I would rather not say on message boards but it wasnt a pleasant relationship i was in before i met my partner.

 

BTW, if you are still planning to break up.

 

Breaking up is hard to do. This may be the first break up of MANY.

[TheOW]

BTW, if you are still planning to break up.

 

Breaking up is hard to do. This may be the first break up of MANY.

 

 

Yes i think i do need to break up with partner (Ive known this for a very long time and dont want to hurt him ... although whats im doing is worse) im not attracted to him sexually and for me that is a big part in a relationship (only begun to realise this through this A where i am head over heels for this guy) But after reading through many posts and advice i have been given I know it wont work he wont leave his family even if he did i doubt very much it would last long he's too old. So my only solution is to finish it and attempt NC until it stops hurting (which is going to be very difficult as we live close by and in a very small town) but its not impossible ..... now all i need to think about it do i finish it right now or after christmas like we had agreed ??

[Pierre]

Yes i think i do need to break up with partner (Ive known this for a very long time and dont want to hurt him ... although whats im doing is worse) im not attracted to him sexually and for me that is a big part in a relationship (only begun to realise this through this A where i am head over heels for this guy) But after reading through many posts and advice i have been given I know it wont work he wont leave his family even if he did i doubt very much it would last long he's too old. So my only solution is to finish it and attempt NC until it stops hurting (which is going to be very difficult as we live close by and in a very small town) but its not impossible ..... now all i need to think about it do i finish it right now or after christmas like we had agreed ??

 

I was married for 20 years and had an active sex life till the very end. Bare minimum twice a week in the later years.

 

Let tell you a little secret: The initial lust of all relationships wanes down once you have your partner available to you 24/7 365 days a week.

 

How is is possible to maintain an active sexual life for years and years? This is only for the truly sexually adventurous people. Anyone can have an active sex life at the onset or during an affair. The conditions are perfect for an increased libido. However, those that lack stamina and imagination fall off very quickly withing two years. I know many couples in your age group that only have sex twice a year and seem to be OK with that.

 

In reality you are probably sexually boring. Your MM is probably sexually boring too. That is why his wife is not attracted to him. Folks that are sexually boring need variety, otherwise they fall off very quickly.