Update on year-ago post

[firstandlast]

c'mon, bro. now your blaming the OW for "taking it to the next level." you shouldn't have been pursuing her in the first place- OWN YOUR ****!

 

 

 

 

you wanna save your marriage? be completely and totally honest with your wife, or else it's just a sham.

 

tell her EVERYTHING! lay everything out on the table and let her decide if she wants to reconcile. you owe her that.

 

 

right now, it just seems that you want to hold on to your back-up plan, since OW is not willing to leave her own marriage. you want to TT your wife into staying in the marriage because you didn't get your prize.

 

pretty shameful, if you ask me.

 

Certainly, I am not blameless. I pursued her, certainly. But the exMOW did initiate every physical part of the relationship -- the kissing, the sex. She took it much further than I intended.

 

I want to save the marriage because the exMOW's affair made me realize that I do value security, and this is something I would not get from the exMOW. Also, we have a daughter together, so if we can make the marriage work, it's worth it.

[firstandlast]

We (she) broke NC. God, how i wish I hadn't.

 

Anyway, what I discovered:

Just as I predicted, the guy she flirted with at the conference (who works in my office) took her out to lunch, where they acknowledged their attraction to each other. She says that they've set limits so that she doesn't fall into another affair, but the facts are that he's single and has all the time and attention to devote to her. I have no doubt it will become an affair.

 

Today she mentioned that they haven't been in contact, since that lunch. I told her I'd be surprised if he didn't call her before the night is over. Sure enough, he did. I accidentally stumbled onto him in the middle of his phone call. I know this is crazy, but I hid around the corner and listened to the entire thing on his end. He made it clear he's still attracted to her, and they reminisced about their attraction at the conference. She's not telling her husband about the new friend because she knows he wouldn't be comfortable with it.

 

I am going crazy. I can't work. I can't sit still at home. I don't know what to do. I scheduled an appointment for IC but it's not until Nov. My family doesn't get back from an overseas trip for two weeks.

 

Does anyone know about any over-the-counter medications? I don't knwo if I'm going to make it.

[Artie Lang]

But the exMOW did initiate every physical part of the relationship -- the kissing, the sex. She took it much further than I intended.

 

 

 

blah blah blah. grow some nuts, man. your not a child anymore, with the luxury of blaming others for you decisions. no one held a gun to your head, bro.

 

seriously, i don't see why your wife would want to stay with a man-child.

 

 

I do value security, and this is something I would not get from the exMOW. Also, we have a daughter together, so if we can make the marriage work, it's worth it.

 

so all you value in this marriage is security and familial bonds.

 

oh, what a loser you are. it's pointless getting through to you. i feel sorry for your wife and your daughter.

 

i'm done here.

[whichwayisup]

St John's wort or rescue remedy. Natural remedies, no chemicals.

Do yoga.

[firstandlast]

blah blah blah. grow some nuts, man. your not a child anymore, with the luxury of blaming others for you decisions. no one held a gun to your head, bro.

 

seriously, i don't see why your wife would want to stay with a man-child.

 

 

 

 

so all you value in this marriage is security and familial bonds.

 

oh, what a loser you are. it's pointless getting through to you. i feel sorry for your wife and your daughter.

 

i'm done here.

 

Gee, thanks for the support!

[firstandlast]

St John's wort or rescue remedy. Natural remedies, no chemicals.

Do yoga.

 

I tried St. John's wort. I'll let you know how it works.

[Artie Lang]

i didn't mean loser in the sense that you're a loser per se. i meant that you still don't "get it."

 

YOU. ARE. BLAMESHIFTNG! it's everyone else's fault but yours for this affair. you're shoveling so much BS it's not even funny.

 

 

everything else on that post, i meant.

 

 

take it(criticism) like a MAN!

 

 

now, i'm done!

Edited October 18, 2012 by Artie Lang

[firstandlast]

i didn't mean loser in the sense that you're a loser per se. i meant that you still don't "get it."

 

YOU. ARE. BLAMESHIFTNG! it's everyone else's fault but yours for this affair. you're shoveling so much BS it's not even funny.

 

 

everything else on that post, i meant.

 

 

take it(criticism) like a MAN!

 

 

now, i'm done!

 

You're right. I should have said I enabled a break in NC. I am going insane.

[firstandlast]

It's not that she wanted to stop having affairs. She just wanted to stop having an affair with me.

[veryhappy]

It's not that she wanted to stop having affairs. She just wanted to stop having an affair with me.

 

And at the same time you want your marriage. Rejection hurts. Accept that and move on. She doesn't want you, you don't want her. What's left?

[firstandlast]

And at the same time you want your marriage. Rejection hurts. Accept that and move on. She doesn't want you, you don't want her. What's left?

 

It's not that I don't still want her. I wouldn't be this upset if I didn't. I want to be able to recreate, or at least approximate, what I had with the AP with my wife. I am trying to move on.

 

She broke NC repeatedly yesterday, trying to check in on my in what I assume is misguided compassion. I ignored her texts until she finally asked whether I want her to leave me alone. I said yes, and sort of tore into her. I think I pissed her off just enough to keep her from trying to contact me again.

 

But I have to see her new boyfriend everyday and her group email every so often. It's hard.

[colombiana28]

Wow...read the whole thread. If there is one thing in the world at the present moment that I am absolutely sure of, it's that you need to get a divorce.

 

Just admit it. You're lying when you say you want to save the marriage. Yeah, blah blah blah, you wish you could feel about your W how you feel about your AP. You and I and everyone here knows that YOU know that's impossible. You can't try to "rekindle" a feeling that was never there.

 

This is exactly what I plan to do. I'm going to tell my wife that I still have feelings for the exMOW but that I want to feel those same things for her and am willing to give the marriage my all if she still wants to.

 

At the same time, I'd rather not NC with the wife -- the goal is to find a way to stay married if I can be happy enough,

 

But my goal is to save the marriage if it can be saved.

 

My wife does deserve someone who loves her, whether that's me or someone else.

 

As for the wife needing to know -- I do understand the seriousness of my dishonesty. But bringing it all up now will almost certainly destroy the marriage. I'm trying to see whether it can work.

 

No, you're not. The conditions you tack onto "I want to save my marriage, IF..." totally give you away. And then you go bat**** over the AP pursuing someone else...GOD. GET OVER IT ALREADY AND DIVORCE HER. You've already shown very strongly that you don't actually care about her. You're "trying to make it work" (lol) because the AP didn't choose you.

 

You know what would prove to yourself, your wife and everyone on this forum that you wanted to save your M? You would come clean. Every detail, every dalliance with this woman, your W would know about it. She then could choose whether or not to take you back, but it would require a lot of work on your behalf---work that, admit it, you have no interest in putting in. I mean, why would you get on your hands and knees and beg for forgiveness from a woman you don't truly love? Withholding info in MC lets you avoid the pain of letting down your W for a little while, but don't lie as to where your head is. If you stay with her, the very next time an attractive woman shows interest in you, here we go again.

 

Do the humane thing and end your M. Soon.

[firstandlast]

Wow...read the whole thread. If there is one thing in the world at the present moment that I am absolutely sure of, it's that you need to get a divorce.

 

Just admit it. You're lying when you say you want to save the marriage. Yeah, blah blah blah, you wish you could feel about your W how you feel about your AP. You and I and everyone here knows that YOU know that's impossible. You can't try to "rekindle" a feeling that was never there.

 

No, you're not. The conditions you tack onto "I want to save my marriage, IF..." totally give you away. And then you go bat**** over the AP pursuing someone else...GOD. GET OVER IT ALREADY AND DIVORCE HER. You've already shown very strongly that you don't actually care about her. You're "trying to make it work" (lol) because the AP didn't choose you.

 

You know what would prove to yourself, your wife and everyone on this forum that you wanted to save your M? You would come clean. Every detail, every dalliance with this woman, your W would know about it. She then could choose whether or not to take you back, but it would require a lot of work on your behalf---work that, admit it, you have no interest in putting in. I mean, why would you get on your hands and knees and beg for forgiveness from a woman you don't truly love? Withholding info in MC lets you avoid the pain of letting down your W for a little while, but don't lie as to where your head is. If you stay with her, the very next time an attractive woman shows interest in you, here we go again.

 

Do the humane thing and end your M. Soon.

 

I'll admit that I might not be reconsidering the marriage if the OW had chosen me. But I don't think it's clear-cut as you assume. There have been several times where the OW said she was close to leaving her husband, and I talked her out of it. In fact, the OW's brief pregnancy scared the crap out of me -- I thought I was going to lose my family, and it wasn't a pleasant thought. And when the OW asked me what I would do if she showed up at my door stop, I said point-blank that I wouldn't leave to be her, not in her current state, and if she ever felt ready to commit to a long-term relationship (she had always asked me whether it would be worth being with her if it were only for five years). I did want to be with the OW, but I had always preferred to save the marriage if I can.

 

Now you might be right that I ultimately need to get out of the marriage -- your excerpts of my previous posts were illuminating -- but I want to get guidance from a professional before taking such a drastic step.

 

And full-on disclosure just doesn't make sense to me. If I leave the marriage, that's painful enough for the wife. Why add to her misery? If I stay, such a disclosure could irrevocably damage the relationship. Unfortunately for her, my wife loves me. If the marriage can work -- if I can love her like she deserves to be loved -- that's in her best interest, too.

Edited October 25, 2012 by firstandlast