Update on year-ago post

[firstandlast]

Ouch. I just read the letter. I have not tried to woo back OW, and every time she's broken up with me, she's been the one to resume contact. I think with me being the one to break up this time, she may be too proud to contact me again.

 

I was the one who was willing to leave the marriage. she chose to stay. I can totally relate to just curling up in my bed in the fetal position. This really sucks.

 

Just curious -- did you ever contact him again? I can totally relate to this line in your post: "I think I'm grieving the fantasy, and I'm so angry and dissapointed at reality." Exactly.

[Artie Lang]

your comment about you being able to leave the marriage for OW says it ALL!

 

again, your wife is your back-up plan... she's the consolation prize here. i feel really sorry for her.

 

btw, if you had some sense, you'd realize this OW is playin' you... informing you of her flirtatious ways. c'mon, dude.

 

WAKE THE F*CK UP, ALREADY!!!

[firstandlast]

your comment about you being able to leave the marriage for OW says it ALL!

 

again, your wife is your back-up plan... she's the consolation prize here. i feel really sorry for her.

 

btw, if you had some sense, you'd realize this OW is playin' you... informing you of her flirtatious ways. c'mon, dude.

 

WAKE THE F*CK UP, ALREADY!!!

 

If she was playing me, it didn't work. Unless she was purposely trying to get me to break up so she wouldn't have to.

[veryhappy]

Just curious -- did you ever contact him again? I can totally relate to this line in your post: "I think I'm grieving the fantasy, and I'm so angry and dissapointed at reality." Exactly.

 

No, I haven't contacted him. Why would I? To sustain his crazy world, where I'm sure now he wishes that his M had the passion and connection we had? He'd take any contact as a sign that I'm going back to the A or willing to go back, and I'm not going back to the A.

[Artie Lang]

she "played" you once, already. do you forget that she didn't want to leave her marriage for you?!

 

now she's telling you she has been flirting with others just to get you back in the fold. are you really THAT dense, or just acting???

 

I'm not trying to bust your balls, bro. since your a man, i feel I can give it to you straight.

 

believe me when I tell you-- you're getting played!

 

 

at any rate, you should leave your marriage given that you've given it a year already with no progress.

 

that's my $0.02. i'm out!

[firstandlast]

No, I haven't contacted him. Why would I? To sustain his crazy world, where I'm sure now he wishes that his M had the passion and connection we had? He'd take any contact as a sign that I'm going back to the A or willing to go back, and I'm not going back to the A.

 

That's encouraging. Good for you.

[Bobibble]

You know what is the worst part of this whole situation: the fact that if your OW was not such a deceitful liar, you would probably be with her now. You are staying with your wife because she is your wife, because it is on paper.

 

If you wanted your marriage to work so badly, you would not be on here ranting about how much you miss your OW and you would be talking to your wife about the problems and genuinely make an effort to fix them. You said yourself your wife is making an effort, why aren't you? It seems like you are just going along with counseling, thinking that it will solve your problems for you. No it starts with you! Your wife is trying, it can't be one-sided.

 

You are acting extremely selfish. You are expecting everyone including your wife, to fix problems that you have created on your own. Sure, there may have been underlying problems that she may have done that caused you to stray, but a strong man with a sense of self would have stayed within the marriage and talked to her about those problems before looking elsewhere for another women to fulfill what he thinks his wife can't. Notice that the OW is someone of your own caliber: having an A when she is married herself. Maybe in all reality you have been the problem all along. Your wife is more than capable of fixing the problems within your marriage, you just don't want to because you are too selfish.

 

(It is really sad that a 21 year old woman is telling you, a man with a wife and children, this).

[firstandlast]

You know what is the worst part of this whole situation: the fact that if your OW was not such a deceitful liar, you would probably be with her now. You are staying with your wife because she is your wife, because it is on paper.

 

If you wanted your marriage to work so badly, you would not be on here ranting about how much you miss your OW and you would be talking to your wife about the problems and genuinely make an effort to fix them. You said yourself your wife is making an effort, why aren't you? It seems like you are just going along with counseling, thinking that it will solve your problems for you. No it starts with you! Your wife is trying, it can't be one-sided.

 

You are acting extremely selfish. You are expecting everyone including your wife, to fix problems that you have created on your own. Sure, there may have been underlying problems that she may have done that caused you to stray, but a strong man with a sense of self would have stayed within the marriage and talked to her about those problems before looking elsewhere for another women to fulfill what he thinks his wife can't. Notice that the OW is someone of your own caliber: having an A when she is married herself. Maybe in all reality you have been the problem all along. Your wife is more than capable of fixing the problems within your marriage, you just don't want to because you are too selfish.

 

(It is really sad that a 21 year old woman is telling you, a man with a wife and children, this).

 

I'm not proud of where I am. Some of us learn life lessons more slowly than others, I guess.

[eleanorrigby]

I'd much prefer to find happiness in my current marriage and spare my wife and child the trauma of a divorce.

 

So that's my question. Is it possible to rekindle interest in a spouse that you're no longer physically attracted to and never really fully connected with?

 

This is selfishness to the extreme. Why not spare your wife the trauma of finding out her husband has never found her attractive, was never in love with her, and had an affair?

 

Believe me, going through that will be a hell of a lot more traumatic.

 

I agree with some of the others, you are trying to spare yourself the pain.

 

So at the very least, stop telling yourself that lie. It may help you move forward.

 

ETA: my marriage survived, but again, we have always been attracted to each other.

Edited October 12, 2012 by eleanorrigby

[Bobibble]

I'm not proud of where I am. Some of us learn life lessons more slowly than others, I guess.

 

Sure, but you seem to not be making an effort to learn from your mistakes. You are going along with counseling thinking that counseling will solve your problems. You keep saying "I just want to feel physically attracted to her, I want the marriage to work" well then do something about it instead of waiting for it to happen on its own!

In all reality, I don't think you want the marriage to work for the sake of being with your wife. I think you want it to work so you aren't seen as a failure. It all comes back to you.

 

Either let your wife go and find someone who can be faithful to her and can stay in a relationship and marriage and solve problems without straying, or genuinely make an effort to help with the problems and never think about the OW again.

[sleepie]

firstandlast:

 

If anything my xMOM ever said was true (and I believe it was), then your situation and his is not dissimilar (except he was my only A... I didn't flirt or play around with anyone else).

 

I'm an xMOW not unlike your OW. I liked the games, liked the attention, and loved my xMOM, too. It was all those things. But in the end, I wasn't going to leave my M for him. So that was it.

 

My advice echoes what other folks here have said: Make a decision and commit. I don't know if you can "rekindle" something that never existed. Maybe, though I doubt it. But if you CAN find some real love with your W, and you WANT to find real love with your W, then you need to ditch the OW from your mind, heart, and presence and focus on your M.

 

If it appears, after a year or so, that you will never have the connection with your wife that you want--and if that will make you miserable for a lifetime--then leave your W and move on, regardless of where the OW is in her life.

 

Note the bolded above. I go against convention because I believe there are many reasonably happy marriages that are built on friendship, not on "deep connections" or "strong intimacy." Everyone always wants that one great love, but love is something that is built and managed, and it comes in all forms. If you can find satisfaction and happiness in your M, then forget the sparks and intimacy and connection you had with your OW.

 

Odds are it was an illusion anyway, brought about by dopamine and hormones.

[Owl]

So...what's your choice?

 

Fix the marriage, or pursue the OW?

 

You can't make any progress in any direction until you decide that question. There really isn't any advice anyone can give until you make this choice.

 

What's your direction here?

[firstandlast]

So...what's your choice?

 

Fix the marriage, or pursue the OW?

 

You can't make any progress in any direction until you decide that question. There really isn't any advice anyone can give until you make this choice.

 

What's your direction here?

 

I had dinner with the OW tonight -- mostly to process what happened and get a sense off closure. She's been telling me that she thinks I'd be better off as a single guy (even if that meant my being alone). I told her point-blank that this latest blow-up made me realize how much I value security in a relationship, and that's something that I have in my marriage. The OW acknowledged that she can't give me the same kind security, and said she thinks "we should be apart for awhile." We both cried, hugged and parted ways.

 

I do want to fix the marriage. I don't expect to replicate the intensity and passion of the affair or the connection I felt with the AP, but I think security is a good foundation to build from.

 

That said, the pain of separation is excruciating. It physically hurts. I can't stop thinking about the OW.

[sad puppy]

"Security is a good foundation to build from". You're operating from fear. Life is short, be careful in your decisions, you don't want to waste it.

 

Your wife is in second place with you, and you know it.

[whichwayisup]

"Security is a good foundation to build from". You're operating from fear. Life is short, be careful in your decisions, you don't want to waste it.

 

Your wife is in second place with you, and you know it.

 

For now, yes I agree with this. but, once your feelings of emotional attachment get less and less for your (ex)OW, you'll be able to focus more on your wife and reconnecting with her. That is, IF you truly love her and want the marriage to work and be a happy one.

 

Have you told your wife about all this? If not, it's time to so she can decide whether or not you're worthy of a chance. Right now you're calling all the shots and seems you're afraid to be alone - Without exOW or your wife. Maybe you need to be on your own to figure out if you're hanging onto your wife and marriage for security and stablity reasons or if you do actually love and care for her the way a husband should for his wife.

 

Don't compare crush like and intense affair feelings vs your marriage. emotions are only part of this. The reality is, your exOW DID tell you she isn't a good match for you long term (in so many words) that she can't give you what you want.

 

Get counseling and talk to your wife.

[firstandlast]

For now, yes I agree with this. but, once your feelings of emotional attachment get less and less for your (ex)OW, you'll be able to focus more on your wife and reconnecting with her. That is, IF you truly love her and want the marriage to work and be a happy one.

 

Have you told your wife about all this? If not, it's time to so she can decide whether or not you're worthy of a chance. Right now you're calling all the shots and seems you're afraid to be alone - Without exOW or your wife. Maybe you need to be on your own to figure out if you're hanging onto your wife and marriage for security and stablity reasons or if you do actually love and care for her the way a husband should for his wife.

 

Don't compare crush like and intense affair feelings vs your marriage. emotions are only part of this. The reality is, your exOW DID tell you she isn't a good match for you long term (in so many words) that she can't give you what you want.

 

Get counseling and talk to your wife.

 

This (and the previous message) are very good points. My wife is out of town for two weeks, so I'll have a lot of time to think about things. My wife does deserve someone who loves her, whether that's me or someone else.

[Owl]

OK..so my suggestion is to decide what you're going to do.

 

And personally, if you're not discussing it with your wife, you probably shouldn't be discussing it with your OW either.

 

Go "cold turkey" with both of them while you're sorting yourself out mentally.

 

If you want to rebuild your marriage...then you need to end the affair, come clean to the wife, and then figure out WITH your wife what your best plan is for recovering the marriage from both the damage you've done with your affair, and the issues that existed before this took place.

 

You need to start working through the plans for implementing each of these steps. And where those aren't depending on your wife being present (such as ending the affair)...you need to take action ASAP.

[firstandlast]

OK..so my suggestion is to decide what you're going to do.

 

And personally, if you're not discussing it with your wife, you probably shouldn't be discussing it with your OW either.

 

Go "cold turkey" with both of them while you're sorting yourself out mentally.

 

If you want to rebuild your marriage...then you need to end the affair, come clean to the wife, and then figure out WITH your wife what your best plan is for recovering the marriage from both the damage you've done with your affair, and the issues that existed before this took place.

 

You need to start working through the plans for implementing each of these steps. And where those aren't depending on your wife being present (such as ending the affair)...you need to take action ASAP.

 

I scheduled IC today to help me think through what I should and shouldn't tell the wife. A blanket tell-all approach may be more damaging than helpful. The therapist will provide some perspective. At the same time, I'd rather not NC with the wife -- the goal is to find a way to stay married if I can be happy enough, and NC with the wife doesn't really help that.

[firstandlast]

Call me obtuse, but HOW does a man - who is already married - conduct a "committed" relationship with another woman?

 

That doesn't make sense.

 

I was ready to leave my marriage to be with her, but she decided to stay in hers. The OW was not a "side" relationship for me. I wouldn't have gotten involved unless I saw it turning into something permanent. In retrospect, this was a silly fantasy, but that's how I felt.

[Owl]

I scheduled IC today to help me think through what I should and shouldn't tell the wife. A blanket tell-all approach may be more damaging than helpful. The therapist will provide some perspective. At the same time, I'd rather not NC with the wife -- the goal is to find a way to stay married if I can be happy enough, and NC with the wife doesn't really help that.

 

No...the IC won't provide you the RIGHT perspective.

 

The IC is going to be entirely focused on YOU...and care absolutely not one WHIT about your wife.

 

The IC will tell you not to tell...because the IC is going to tell you that telling is going to create strife in your life. The IC simply is not paid to care about what's best for your wife. That's not their goal, their charge, nor their care.

 

If you went to an MC, you might get a more balanced approach.

 

But going to a therapist to ask how much you should tell your wife is going to be in YOUR best interests...but almost certainly not in your wife's best interests, nor in your marriage's best interests.

 

If you intend to figure out what's best for your MARRIAGE...go to a marriage counselor.

[firstandlast]

Based on what you wrote above, you have no problem "getting involved" with a married woman as long as it looks like it may turn into something permanent.

 

So essentially you're seeking an exit affair.

 

 

 

Your wife needs to know everything - particularly the fact that you're willing to leave your marriage for the first woman who leave hers.

 

I wasn't seeking an affair at all. I met the OW in a job interview and was instantly smitten. Now, I did cross the line by pursuing a one-on-one friendship with her. But once I confessed my attraction, she took the ball and ran with it. I would not have let it get physical or continue if I didn't see it going somewhere permanent. In fact, we were discussing breaking it off when she brought up the possibility of leaving her husband.

 

As for the wife needing to know -- I do understand the seriousness of my dishonesty. But bringing it all up now will almost certainly destroy the marriage. I'm trying to see whether it can work.

[firstandlast]

No...the IC won't provide you the RIGHT perspective.

 

The IC is going to be entirely focused on YOU...and care absolutely not one WHIT about your wife.

 

The IC will tell you not to tell...because the IC is going to tell you that telling is going to create strife in your life. The IC simply is not paid to care about what's best for your wife. That's not their goal, their charge, nor their care.

 

If you went to an MC, you might get a more balanced approach.

 

But going to a therapist to ask how much you should tell your wife is going to be in YOUR best interests...but almost certainly not in your wife's best interests, nor in your marriage's best interests.

 

If you intend to figure out what's best for your MARRIAGE...go to a marriage counselor.

 

I think that's a legitimate distinction between IC and MC. But I plan to make it clear that my goal is fixing the marriage, so the competing interests are aligned. This therapist told me to go NC over a year ago to give the marriage a fair shot and warned me against comparing the A to the M.

 

I also plan MC.

[Artie Lang]

But once I confessed my attraction, she took the ball and ran with it. I would not have let it get physical or continue if I didn't see it going somewhere permanent.

 

c'mon, bro. now your blaming the OW for "taking it to the next level." you shouldn't have been pursuing her in the first place- OWN YOUR ****!

 

 

But bringing it all up now will almost certainly destroy the marriage. I'm trying to see whether it can work.

 

you wanna save your marriage? be completely and totally honest with your wife, or else it's just a sham.

 

tell her EVERYTHING! lay everything out on the table and let her decide if she wants to reconcile. you owe her that.

 

 

right now, it just seems that you want to hold on to your back-up plan, since OW is not willing to leave her own marriage. you want to TT your wife into staying in the marriage because you didn't get your prize.

 

pretty shameful, if you ask me.

[Solcita2]

I think this is a much simplier case than you think.

 

Your wife is apple.

Your exMW is orange.

 

You like oranges more than apples. But the oranges doesn't like you, Orange likes everybody.

Then, you go back to apple and can't stop thinking about how much you want an orange juice.

 

Be a man, tell apple you like oranges more and see if she can become one.

 

Your wife can't give you what you want/need if you don't tell her what that is.

[firstandlast]

I think this is a much simplier case than you think.

 

Your wife is apple.

Your exMW is orange.

 

You like oranges more than apples. But the oranges doesn't like you, Orange likes everybody.

Then, you go back to apple and can't stop thinking about how much you want an orange juice.

 

Be a man, tell apple you like oranges more and see if she can become one.

 

Your wife can't give you what you want/need if you don't tell her what that is.

 

This is exactly what I plan to do. I'm going to tell my wife that I still have feelings for the exMOW but that I want to feel those same things for her and am willing to give the marriage my all if she still wants to. I don't think she needs to know every detail of the affair. I understand the cries for justice and fairness for my wife. But my goal is to save the marriage if it can be saved. Telling every sordid detail -- which I am now feeling incredible guilt over -- will almost certainly destroy it.