Update on year-ago post

[Furious]

Maybe it's naive -- she lies to her husband, after all -- but I don't think she'd have any reason to lie about this. We were broken up at the time. And she voluntarily told me about flirting at the conference. She knew that I would react badly to it but told me anyway. She's been honest with me so far.

 

 

You are being dishonest, your wife believes you and you've been lying to her even in marriage counseling, you've made sure she believes you while all the while you're still lying to her.

 

Why is it not impossible that your OW is doing the same thing to you.

 

I really think you're lost, and you are only getting tangled up in this deceit, and until you take a step back from both your marriage and affair, you will only dig yourself deeper into this mess.

[firstandlast]

You are being dishonest, your wife believes you and you've been lying to her even in marriage counseling, you've made sure she believes you while all the while you're still lying to her.

 

Why is it not impossible that your OW is doing the same thing to you.

 

I really think you're lost, and you are only getting tangled up in this deceit, and until you take a step back from both your marriage and affair, you will only dig yourself deeper into this mess.

 

I can't explain the dynamic, but I'm much more honest with the OW than I am with my wife. Losing the OW is painful, but I'd rather lose her IF there's a chance of the marriage succeeding. I'm pretty good at detecting lies, and I just don't see what she'd have to gain by lying about this particular thing. I was much more upset about her flirting with the co-worker while we're "together" than I would be about her sleeping with someone while we were broken up. She said she thought she loved the other-other man. There's no reason to withhold sleeping with him.

[Furious]

I can't explain the dynamic, but I'm much more honest with the OW than I am with my wife. Losing the OW is painful, but I'd rather lose her IF there's a chance of the marriage succeeding. I'm pretty good at detecting lies, and I just don't see what she'd have to gain by lying about this particular thing. I was much more upset about her flirting with the co-worker while we're "together" than I would be about her sleeping with someone while we were broken up. She said she thought she loved the other-other man. There's no reason to withhold sleeping with him.

 

 

She's married.

 

She cheats with you, unprotected sex.

 

You break up, she immediately gets involved with another other man, claims

they only kissed once.

 

You reunite but then she flirts with a co-worker.

 

She has a husband, two other men, and is flirting with a potential 3rd other man.

 

 

Read this and re-read this, open your eyes.

[veryhappy]

I can't explain the dynamic,but I'm much more honest with the OW than I am with my wife. Losing the OW is painful, but I'd rather lose her IF there's a chance of the marriage succeeding.

 

Oh imagine the bolded...straight from the horse's mouth. firstandlast, can you explain why you have been more honest with the OW than with the wife?

 

 

 

 

Can you answer the following questions:

1. What kind of help are you seeking here? An explanation of why you can't resist the OW? Some will say you are caught up in limerence; your brain is happy running on an illusion.
   
2. What are you hoping to hear?
   

There's really not much to discuss here. Your decision is made according to the quoted text above. You want your marriage, so go work on your marriage, until you know if it's succesful or unsuccesful.

 

Wondering about the OW and her kisses is pointless for you. If it's the M you want, why aren't you focusing on that and let the OW seduce the rest of the campus?

[Owl]

I do want to be happy and fulfilled in my marriage. I want to be physically attracted to my partner and feel a deep, profound connection. I would not have entered the affair if these things things were true in the marriage (though admittedly, the affair has only exacerbated those missing elements). Even if the AP suddenly convinced me she could stay committed to me forever, I would rather find a way to be fulfilled completely in the marriage.

 

OK...but your use of the words "my partner" don't spell out that you want to have this relationship with your current wife...which is really what I was asking.

 

DO YOU WANT TO FIX YOUR CURRENT MARRIAGE...OR DO YOU WANT TO START OVER WITH OW (or someone else)???

 

Point blank...your 'goals' here are in opposite directions.

 

Either you rebuild your marriage....OR....you maintain a satisfying affair.

 

Pick one.

 

If you choose both...there isn't a damn thing anyone here can do to help you.

 

I personally don't care which you choose...but you will make NO PROGRESS AT ALL towards either goal if you keep working both of them simultaneously.

 

Choose.

 

Whichever direction you go, there are folks here who can help.

 

But NOTHING will change until you take the first step.

[firstandlast]

OK...but your use of the words "my partner" don't spell out that you want to have this relationship with your current wife...which is really what I was asking.

 

DO YOU WANT TO FIX YOUR CURRENT MARRIAGE...OR DO YOU WANT TO START OVER WITH OW (or someone else)???

 

Point blank...your 'goals' here are in opposite directions.

 

Either you rebuild your marriage....OR....you maintain a satisfying affair.

 

Pick one.

 

If you choose both...there isn't a damn thing anyone here can do to help you.

 

I personally don't care which you choose...but you will make NO PROGRESS AT ALL towards either goal if you keep working both of them simultaneously.

 

Choose.

 

Whichever direction you go, there are folks here who can help.

 

But NOTHING will change until you take the first step.

 

If rekindling the physical attraction and developing a deep connection in my current marriage is possible, that's what I want. There seems to be a mixed opinion on that. I'm curious if anyone here has done that successfully.

[Owl]

If rekindling the physical attraction and developing a deep connection in my current marriage is possible, that's what I want. There seems to be a mixed opinion on that. I'm curious if anyone here has done that successfully.

 

My wife did after her emotional affair.

 

Yep, it's possible.

 

The question is whether or not you're willing to do what you need to do in order to get there?

 

First step towards reconciling your marriage....yep, you guessed it...ending the affair.

[firstandlast]

Oh imagine the bolded...straight from the horse's mouth. firstandlast, can you explain why you have been more honest with the OW than with the wife?

 

 

Can you answer the following questions:

1. What kind of help are you seeking here? An explanation of why you can't resist the OW? Some will say you are caught up in limerence; your brain is happy running on an illusion.
   
2. What are you hoping to hear?
   

There's really not much to discuss here. Your decision is made according to the quoted text above. You want your marriage, so go work on your marriage, until you know if it's succesful or unsuccesful.

 

Wondering about the OW and her kisses is pointless for you. If it's the M you want, why aren't you focusing on that and let the OW seduce the rest of the campus?

 

I don't know why I'm more honest with the OW. Maybe I feel closer to her than to my wife. Or maybe -- and I know this contradicts my first sentence -- I'm less worried about losing the OW because of the truth. I'm prioritizing the actual M over the potential with the OW.

 

I'm really trying to see whether others here have experience rekindling a physical attraction to their spouse or establishing a deep connection. I also am writing here to vent -- I have no one else to talk to about this, and just being about to commiserate with others is incredibly therapeutic. Even though I'd prefer a fulfilling marriage with my current spouse, losing the OW is so cripplingly painful. I've been crying for the last three days, and it helps to know I'm not alone .

[sad puppy]

I think that OW is quite deceitful and incapable of fidelity to anyone. Gazing into my crystal ball, ... I see nothing but pain, lies, drama, and regret should you continue with her in any way shape or form. Endure the pain now, it's a lot easier than to continue an entanglement with the OW.

 

You're life is better off without her, whether you remain married or not.

[hermione08]

You can rekindle the attraction to your spouse only if it was there before. You say that you never felt a deep connection to her before. If it was never there, it cannot be rekindled.

If you only ever felt affection and admiration, this is all you will ever feel.

People who say otherwise are lying to you.

Therefore you must decide whether you can be content with this or otherwise tell your wife that you marriage is over and start afresh.

From what I've read of your story, I have a feeling that you will stay with your wife and lie to yourself. It's so much easier, isn't it? And you seem like the type who likes an easy ride. No offence, but I don't like people who get married because "it's time to settle down".

What is it? Doctor's orders?

[Furious]

I don't know why I'm more honest with the OW. Maybe I feel closer to her than to my wife. Or maybe -- and I know this contradicts my first sentence -- I'm less worried about losing the OW because of the truth. I'm prioritizing the actual M over the potential with the OW.

 

I'm really trying to see whether others here have experience rekindling a physical attraction to their spouse or establishing a deep connection. I also am writing here to vent -- I have no one else to talk to about this, and just being about to commiserate with others is incredibly therapeutic. Even though I'd prefer a fulfilling marriage with my current spouse, losing the OW is so cripplingly painful. I've been crying for the last three days, and it helps to know I'm not alone .

 

It's painful because having the "marriage" and having the OW on the side is a perfect scenario.

 

I wonder how long you and the OW would last in the real world, considering that most second marriages statistically end up in divorce more than first marriages.

 

You are crying because you want both the affair and the "happy family".

[veryhappy]

I'm really trying to see whether others here have experience rekindling a physical attraction to their spouse or establishing a deep connection. I also am writing here to vent -- I have no one else to talk to about this, and just being about to commiserate with others is incredibly therapeutic. Even though I'd prefer a fulfilling marriage with my current spouse, losing the OW is so cripplingly painful. I've been crying for the last three days, and it helps to know I'm not alone .

 

You will fail finding the OW in your wife. You will not get from your W more in term of kindle and deep connection than it was in the beggining. Women are usually interested in the deep connection, so if your wife hasn't shown signs of interest in that, well, I doubt you'll find that deep, meaningful connection you are looking for.

 

Are you done with the OW? Are you letting that go to focus on your marriage?

[veryhappy]

I wonder how long you and the OW would last in the real world, considering that most second marriages statistically end up in divorce more than first marriages.

 

That doesn't matter, because the OW doesn't want him. She wants to experiment, and isn't interested in being with him.

[Furious]

That doesn't matter, because the OW doesn't want him. She wants to experiment, and isn't interested in being with him.

 

 

I agree, she is fine with being married and having him on the side.

[firstandlast]

That doesn't matter, because the OW doesn't want him. She wants to experiment, and isn't interested in being with him.

 

She swears she wants only me and cries when I point out how inconsistent that is with everything else she's doing -- in addition to being married. But I think you're right: she wants me as one of several options.

[firstandlast]

You will fail finding the OW in your wife. You will not get from your W more in term of kindle and deep connection than it was in the beggining. Women are usually interested in the deep connection, so if your wife hasn't shown signs of interest in that, well, I doubt you'll find that deep, meaningful connection you are looking for.

 

Are you done with the OW? Are you letting that go to focus on your marriage?

 

My wife very much wants the physical and emotional connection. For the physical, I don't know how to force myself to be attracted to someone. As for the emotional, I think we're just too different. But I'm hoping that I'm wrong -- that I'm unfairly comparing the newness of the OW to a stable relationship.

 

I think the OW and I have broken up for the last time -- this breakup was initiated by me, and just feels more permanent than the dozens of other times we've broken up. But I still love her so desperately. I feel so lost.

[veryhappy]

You are definitely lost, and two confused married AP won't lead anywhere. She sort of says she wants you, but not really, you sort of say the same, but are dreaming of your current marriage turning happy.

 

Can I suggest IC? I don't think you know what you want. You should find out what you want, but you need to stay away from the OW.

[firstandlast]

It's painful because having the "marriage" and having the OW on the side is a perfect scenario.

 

I wonder how long you and the OW would last in the real world, considering that most second marriages statistically end up in divorce more than first marriages.

 

You are crying because you want both the affair and the "happy family".

 

I'm crying because I may lose the marriage in addition to losing the OW. A year ago, I would have left the family in a second -- I was being impulsive and crazy. When the OW chose to stay in her M, I slowly, slowly gained a bit of sanity -- now I really would prefer to get everything I'm getting from the A from the M instead. But I can't let go of these feelings for the OW. I know the A was dishonest and destructive, but I did/do feel genuine love for the OW.

[firstandlast]

You are definitely lost, and two confused married AP won't lead anywhere. She sort of says she wants you, but not really, you sort of say the same, but are dreaming of your current marriage turning happy.

 

Can I suggest IC? I don't think you know what you want. You should find out what you want, but you need to stay away from the OW.

 

I think I will try IC.

[veryhappy]

I'm crying because I may lose the marriage in addition to losing the OW. A year ago, I would have left the family in a second -- I was being impulsive and crazy. When the OW chose to stay in her M, I slowly, slowly gained a bit of sanity -- now I really would prefer to get everything I'm getting from the A from the M instead. But I can't let go of these feelings for the OW. I know the A was dishonest and destructive, but I did/do feel genuine love for the OW.

 

So what did you do for the past year to make your M the M you want it to be?

 

If this hodge podge is what goes on in most MM's minds, no wonder they behave the way they do. You don't accept your M is what it is or really work on it until you *know*, you won't completely let your OW go, but would like to keep her as a backup plan. It hurts if it's not easy and safe, right?

 

Let me guess. If I had a magic wand and everthing in your life stayed the same, child included, but your wife would be the OW, and your actual wife wouldn't be hurt by it, you'd want me to wave that wand, right?

[firstandlast]

So what did you do for the past year to make your M the M you want it to be?

 

If this hodge podge is what goes on in most MM's minds, no wonder they behave the way they do. You don't accept your M is what it is or really work on it until you *know*, you won't completely let your OW go, but would like to keep her as a backup plan. It hurts if it's not easy and safe, right?

 

Let me guess. If I had a magic wand and everthing in your life stayed the same, child included, but your wife would be the OW, and your actual wife wouldn't be hurt by it, you'd want me to wave that wand, right?

 

Something like that. Make me as crazy about my wife as I am about the other woman. None of this would have happened.

[veryhappy]

I personally can't offer more advice here, because this thread has become a trigger for me. I suggest you read my thread "Love letter from exMM" to hear from one of the buddies sharing your intense pain.

 

Good luck to you.

[firstandlast]

I personally can't offer more advice here, because this thread has become a trigger for me. I suggest you read my thread "Love letter from exMM" to hear from one of the buddies sharing your intense pain.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Ouch. I just read the letter. I have not tried to woo back OW, and every time she's broken up with me, she's been the one to resume contact. I think with me being the one to break up this time, she may be too proud to contact me again.

 

I was the one who was willing to leave the marriage. she chose to stay. I can totally relate to just curling up in my bed in the fetal position. This really sucks.

[Artie Lang]

dude, it really doesn't sound like you're "all in" when it comes to your marriage. sounds to me like you want your wife to jump through hoops to win you back, when it should be the other way around-- you doing ALL you can.

 

clearly, your wife is your second choice in this f*cked up situation.

 

why the f*ck would you care who OW flirts with, if this is truly over?!

[firstandlast]

dude, it really doesn't sound like you're "all in" when it comes to your marriage. sounds to me like you want your wife to jump through hoops to win you back, when it should be the other way around-- you doing ALL you can.

 

clearly, your wife is your second choice in this f*cked up situation.

 

why the f*ck would you care who OW flirts with, if this is truly over?!

 

The relationship with the OW is over as far as I can tell. But we were in a relationship when she flirted -- she was kissing me that afternoon and crushing on him by that night. She says the crushes are fleeting and that shes totally in love with me. The relationship is over. But the feelings linger.

Edited October 11, 2012 by firstandlast