Author SpinScratch Posted August 12, 2012 Author Share Posted August 12, 2012 I get that, but she's to prove herself in the bedroom. At the same time he is orgasming, she'll be gagging. Just wondering how one deals with that emotionally in the moment. Or does he just block it out and pretend they are both enjoying it? Not rhetorical, I seriously want to know. The same way likes anal and I gave it to her even though I don't like it. Because I've never denied it to any other gf that asked me for it. I don't like it, but she does so I did it for her Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 Check. So if she's truly attracted to the controlling types, then why hasn't she succombed to OP's "control"...? Isn't that submissive nature what would get her off?Because she's smartened up and realized they're no good for her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpinScratch Posted August 12, 2012 Author Share Posted August 12, 2012 If you take this thread and the OP into consideration, the answer should be obvious. She appears to be attracted to a certain type. I'm curious what you mean by that? Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 I'm curious what you mean by that?Reread my exchange with Hokie. It's laid out. Link to post Share on other sites
florence of suburbia Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 The male posters in this thread are making me think men don't perceive sex as a matter of mutual pleasure, but as a matter of partners taking turns making sacrifices. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 Because she's smartened up and realized they're no good for her? If that were true, then the statements below would no longer be true...? I think TBF meant she tends to be attracted to men who want to use her. No. She's attracted to controlling, insecure personality types. Link to post Share on other sites
snug.bunny Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 Agreed. I'm sure many men and women do things that they don't necessarily enjoy for the act itself; but they see the act as not merely just an act, but as a channel to demonstrate intimacy and desire for the other person. True. Demonstrating intimacy also includes not being afraid to be vulnerable. OP's gf opened up and shared something with him verbally that she may have not been comfortable with discussing, and in return, he's wanting her to do something she **now** dislikes doing. Performing certain sexual acts is not going to sustain a relationship that lacks true intimacy... OP, have you expressed how your gf's refusal, makes you feel inferior/insecure? Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 The male posters in this thread are making me think men don't perceive sex as a matter of mutual pleasure, but as a matter of partners taking turns making sacrifices.To me, it's about insecurity manifesting as controlling behaviour. The need for your partner to give you pleasure, rather than sex being about mutual pleasure. I blame this on porn where the dopamine hit comes from viewing women as objects for use. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpinScratch Posted August 12, 2012 Author Share Posted August 12, 2012 I tend to have a belief, that women perform this act moreso to please the man. I think a large percentage don't actually enjoy it (though I am sure some women do enjoy the act in itself). If it's something his gf did not enjoy doing in the past, but did it to please several men, but she won't do it to please him, yes I can see how OP would feel "devalued". But, maybe she felt devalued by performing those acts, and doesn't want to feel devalued with her boyfriend (the OP). Lots of "what ifs". Just another reason why it is perhaps better, to leave discussions of past sexual encounters to oneself. Sometimes it can bring two people closer, other times further apart.hmmm maybe she doesn't want to be devalued by me... well there's a thoght Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 OP, other than hating it, has she explained WHY she won't do it JUST ONCE for you? Asking my question again since it seemed to have gotten buried in three pages of debate... Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 If that were true, then the statements below would no longer be true...?Not necessarily although it's possible this time on the wheel will turn the same way, if she buckles under. Depends on how the OP handles it. Link to post Share on other sites
florence of suburbia Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 Nobody is advocating forcing her to do anything. We're saying he shouldn't remain in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect him as much as previous partners. So she gave those men blowjobs because she respected them? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 To me, it's about insecurity manifesting as controlling behaviour. The need for your partner to give you pleasure, rather than sex being about mutual pleasure. So is there anything wrong with finding someone who can share that mutual pleasure of sex with you? Rather than force someone to give you pleasure, why not find someone else who wants to give you that pleasure? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snug.bunny Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 hmmm maybe she doesn't want to be devalued by me... well there's a thoght It's just a thought... Well, if all else fails...Maybe strike a negotiation. She swallows, you buy her a pair of pretty shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 So is there anything wrong with finding someone who can share that mutual pleasure of sex with you? Rather than force someone to give you pleasure, why not find someone else who wants to give you that pleasure? If he's willing to break up with her over a single act of swallowing, they're a train wreck waiting to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpinScratch Posted August 12, 2012 Author Share Posted August 12, 2012 True. Demonstrating intimacy also includes not being afraid to be vulnerable. OP's gf opened up and shared something with him verbally that she may have not been comfortable with discussing, and in return, he's wanting her to do something she **now** dislikes doing. Performing certain sexual acts is not going to sustain a relationship that lacks true intimacy... OP, have you expressed how your gf's refusal, makes you feel inferior/insecure? Yes I have expressed it very thouroughly with her..... the only answer I have got is "ill do it soon" she has never outright refused but he lack of action over the past 7 month speaks louder than words Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 It's just a thought... Well, if all else fails...Maybe strike a negotiation. She swallows, you buy her a pair of pretty shoes.snug.bunny, that's gross. This makes her a prostitute. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 My partner did a very similar thing to me.. well, sort of.. And I dumped him over it too, but he was adamant that he would try to change for me. And, he did. MUCH to my surprise, frankly. My partner, when we first got together, was TOTALLY ignorant about oral sex on women. He had a misconception about what a vagina ( rather " vulva), was supposed to look like, in an "ideal" world.. ( sort of like a pre pubscent one). He had only ever gone down on ONE girl before me, at age 24... And only did it to her 3 - 4 times in 3 months together; and he was REALLY into her too.. HE said he loved it with her just ONCE. OUt of those times he did it. ANd he was drunk and never did it sober even. So, when he first started trying to do it to me, he said he he did not really like it much at first... I have a neat, " innie" style of vagina, but because his ex had one that was pre pubescent looking with no visible clitoris, he was erally taken aback that you could see mine, and that is grew in size a little when I was turned on. He said it was not the best vagina he had seen, when I pressed him about it... but was still up there. OF COURSE, I was repulsed, cried, and told him in no uncertain terms that he was an ignorant, imature loser, and I needed a guy who loved my vagina, and loved performing oral sex on me. That we were done. Surprisigly, he resisted, because we had very strong feelings about each other. He opened up in a way he is normally averse to, and described his thought process behind it; that the only vagina he had seen close up was a " perfect" one, and that he was very imature and inexperienced in regards to giving oral.. and did not even like it much with the girl with the " perfect" vagina, who he was REALLY into, bar ONE time with her that he did love it.. out of 3 months together. He said it was HIM, and not actually me.. and that he wanted to try doing it a lot more often, beause he was sure he would learn to like it a lot. It was slow, as I hate pressuring people, but he has grown to love it, and initiate it. I would normally NEVER let a guy do as he did to me, but I heard him out. He sounded geniune, and I later discovered that he is a man who loves learning new ways to go about life; he is a bit believer in self improvement. ...............I would straight out ASK her about your penis. I would say " look, did you like doing it once, to those other guys? and then.. " if you DID enjoy it with the, then your obviously not doing it with e, because you do not feel you will enjoy it" and also don't forget to say " if you do not come clean and TELL me the true reasons as to why you did it with them and not me, I will break up with you.. it simply will not work if your not open and honest with me". Look, honestly about these types of issues, IS NOT easy! It is uncofmortable to talk about, and can lead to tears and hurt feelings. BUT, my boyfriend managed to be totally honest with me about it, even though he said he HATED it, as it made him VERY uncofortable and uspet having to reveal such difficult details to me.... IF your relationship is worth saving, I think it is worth mentioning to her " look, if this is worth it to you ( is), surely you are prepared to go through something unpleasant ( such as revealing her true reasoning beyind her aversion to it), if the relationship is THAT worth it to you. My partner admitted he was an imature, inexperienced dickhead over the matter, and felt lucky that I am a VERY nice person, who gave him the benifit of the doubt when he said it was HIM and not me, and he woud change for ME. Link to post Share on other sites
snug.bunny Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 Yes I have expressed it very thouroughly with her..... the only answer I have got is "ill do it soon" she has never outright refused but he lack of action over the past 7 month speaks louder than words How was it expressed? Delivery is key... Link to post Share on other sites
snug.bunny Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 snug.bunny, that's gross. This makes her a prostitute. I sorry. I was just trying to make a silly... Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 I sorry. I was just trying to make a silly... Well clearly you were being a little too silly... Link to post Share on other sites
florence of suburbia Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 If I care about someone I might be willing to accommodate her vegetarian lifestyle by joining her at a vegetarian restaurant. If I don't care as much I won't bother. Yes, you're willing to do more for people you care for/respect. I guess I don't see the two types of compromise as carrying the same weight. Going to a restaurant might be equivalent to giving someone a massage even though you are tired. It might not be your preference, but you compromise. Swallowing during a blowjob is something intimate. You're smelling and tasting and consuming someone else's bodily fluids in order to gratifiy their sexual desires. If you're not into it, you can't just psych yourself into it. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 I sorry. I was just trying to make a silly...How in the world can I not fold to the bunny in your avatar. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 Which is why im recommending he doesn't tolerate this level of disrespect. Wow, this is a sign of disrespect, huh? Or could it be that her past has made it all too clear just how unsavory the act is for her and wouldn't like to do it again. OP, why do you feel so strongly? Because it's what YOU selfishly enjoy and she won't do it for you...that she's done it before to others and you feel selfishly slighted, so angry about it...is your relationship good otherwise? But she does give you blow-jobs, right? W/o swallowing, right? So, it's just because she won't SWALLOW as she did in the past....sorry, this alone is not sexual compatibility, it sounds like self-centeredness and irrational insecurity. Does she "love" you, take care of you and satisfy you in other ways? Man, just because she won't swallow....some people don't deserve to have a good partner... Did you ask her why she doesn't now? If she says that she really doesn't like it, would that be enough? I suspect that you rationale to dump her would be just as irrational as the tone of your anger over this small thing as I see it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpinScratch Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 How was it expressed? Delivery is key... Well I've done it plenty of ways... on different occasions.. at first I just tried to get it, thinking she was down for it. After a while I was just like "why wont u ever do it? You've done it with other men" ... then later... " how do you think that makes me feel that you would do it for someone else but not me?" . I've tried to have civil talks and asked for honest reasons and what did those me have that I don't?.I've told her how insecure I am about it.. I've also tried to get her to do it in the heat of the moment and she leads me to believe its gonna happen but the she backs out. All civil approaches failed and i tried demanding it from her thinking that maybe she wanted me to be a man and take control but she backed off at the last second. Link to post Share on other sites
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