Borderline Personality Disorder?

[J_L_C]

It's so interesting, but yet not surprising that people like Alex have such ignorant and uneducated views about BPD as a whole. Clearly if he knew anything about the disorder, he wouldn't make such absurb and all encompassing statements. I have BPD. Plain and simple. But to make rash over-generalizations is nonsense. Look at Autism for example. Can we say that all individuals with Autism behave in the same manner? What abot Schizophrenia? Are all individuals suffering from this identical in their symptoms? Of course not. So to say that I am a liar, that I trick people and would voluntarily throw someone under the bus simply to benefit myself is the most ignorant statement I've ever heard.

 

Also, to say that all BPD sufferers should just learn to emotionally regulate themselves like all others, is the equivalent of saying that all Schizophrenics should just learn NOT to hallucinate, for all of those with ADHD to sit still, for those with Tourette Syndrome to just stop the tics and for all of those with OCD to just quit the obsessions and compulsions in which they engage. My point has been made.

[Downtown]

I think the BPD thought process is something we are never meant to understand.

Mack, I agree that we never know exactly what other folks are thinking because we cannot read minds. As to the BPDer's thought process, however, I don't consider it a foreign or alien thing that cannot be fathomed. On the contrary, I believe that process is something we are VERY familiar with.

 

We all behave just like BPDers on a 24/7 basis all the way through childhood. Indeed, most of us continue behaving that way during our teens. This is why most psychologists refuse to diagnose BPD until the client is at least 18 years old.

 

Moreover, even throughout our adult lives, we all occasionally exhibit all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if we are emotionally healthy. By the time we are in high school, we all have been through so many hundreds of temper tantrums and sulking periods that we absolutely know we cannot trust our own judgment whenever we experience intense feelings.

 

This is why, whenever we are angry, we try to keep our mouths shut (and our fingers off the keys) until we have time to cool down. And this is why, whenever we are infatuated, we try to wait a year or two before buying the ring. We know that, whenever we experience intense feelings, our judgment goes out the window. That is, the intense feelings distort our perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations.

 

The reason, of course, is our brains are hard-wired to shift into black-white thinking whenever we are under great stress or experience intense feelings. For example, when you are in a crosswalk and suddenly look up to see a truck bearing down on you, your brain instantly switches to black-white thinking. In that instant, you are capable of only thinking "jump left or jump right." While this rudimentary thinking is essential to our survival, it can quickly create a disaster when used to understand the motivations of our close friends and loved ones.

 

My view, then, is that nearly all humans -- including the BPDers -- use essentially the same thinking process. We "Nons" differ from the BPDers only in degree, not in kind. That is, we experience fewer thought distortions in adulthood because we are better able to control our emotions, thus avoiding a lot of the intense feelings.

 

Moreover, when we don't manage to escape the intense feelings, we Nons are able to recover more quickly (because we learned self soothing) and, until we do recover, we are better able to keep our mouths shut (because we learned better impulse control). Indeed, one of the things about BPDers that fascinates me is that, because they have my same problems magnified ten fold, it is far easier for me to see and understand MY OWN distorted ways of thinking by observing the BPDers' frequent struggles.

Edited March 29, 2013 by Downtown

[AlexDP]

It's so interesting, but yet not surprising that people like Alex have such ignorant and uneducated views about BPD as a whole. Clearly if he knew anything about the disorder, he wouldn't make such absurb and all encompassing statements. I have BPD. Plain and simple. But to make rash over-generalizations is nonsense. Look at Autism for example. Can we say that all individuals with Autism behave in the same manner? What abot Schizophrenia? Are all individuals suffering from this identical in their symptoms? Of course not. So to say that I am a liar, that I trick people and would voluntarily throw someone under the bus simply to benefit myself is the most ignorant statement I've ever heard.

 

Also, to say that all BPD sufferers should just learn to emotionally regulate themselves like all others, is the equivalent of saying that all Schizophrenics should just learn NOT to hallucinate, for all of those with ADHD to sit still, for those with Tourette Syndrome to just stop the tics and for all of those with OCD to just quit the obsessions and compulsions in which they engage. My point has been made.

 

It are pretty much the symptoms of BPD. If you have it, you're going to lie, manipulate and do anything you can to get attention.

[AlexDP]

Mack, I agree that we never know exactly what other folks are thinking because we cannot read minds. As to the BPDer's thought process, however, I don't consider it a foreign or alien thing that cannot be fathomed. On the contrary, I believe that process is something we are VERY familiar with.

 

We all behave just like BPDers on a 24/7 basis all the way through childhood. Indeed, most of us continue behaving that way during our teens. This is why most psychologists refuse to diagnose BPD until the client is at least 18 years old.

 

Which, again, only proves that a person with BPD has refused to grow up. Unless of course you think that every child has a mental disorder.

 

"Every child act like a person with BPD"..

 

Does every child act like a schizophrenic?

[Mack05]

I disagree with a lot Alex has said on this thread, but all you have to do is google BPD and compulsive liar(or lying) and see how many hits you get.

 

"Lying is the act of both knowingly and intentionally/willfully making a false statement. Most people do so out of fear.Pathological lying is considered a mental illness, because it takes over rational judgment and progresses into the fantasy world and back.

 

Excessive lying is a common symptom of several mental illnesses. For instance people who suffer from antisocial personality disorder use lying to benefit from others. Some individuals with borderline personality disorder lie for attention by claiming they’ve been treated poorly"

 

http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/confronting-a-partner/compulsive-lying.html

 

What I found interesting in the above article is the compulsive liar takes comfort and even satisfaction in lying...

Edited March 29, 2013 by Mack05

[Downtown]

Some individuals with borderline personality disorder lie for attention by claiming they’ve been treated poorly.

Yes, some DO and some DON'T. Indeed, I would even agree that BPDers, like all emotionally immature people (e.g., those under 18), tend to lie more frequently than emotionally mature adults. Frequent lying nonetheless is NOT a fundamental trait of BPD because a large share of BPDers -- if not most -- do not lie any more often than the nonBPD population.

 

This is why lying is not on the DSM-IV list of BPD traits. See NIMH · What are the symptoms of borderline personality disorder?. Instead, you will find "frequent lying" listed as a trait of Antisocial PD (i.e., sociopathy). See http://www.dsm5.org/Documents/Personality%20Disorders/DSM-IV%20and%20DSM-5%20Criteria%20for%20the%20Personality%20Disorders%205-1-12.pdf. As I said earlier, most people having full blown BPD also have strong traits of another PD as well.

 

In the same way that you mistake BPDers for being frequent liars, many laymen mistake bipolar sufferers for being very hostile and vindictive. The reason is that about a third of the bipolar sufferers have comorbid BPD, which produces the raging and vindictiveness. Hence, although those traits are not caused by bipolar disorder, many people mistakenly attribute the traits to anyone suffering from it.

[Mack05]

That makes sense Downtown. I guess my experience of a BPDer is that she was/is a compulsive liar. The OCD seemed to be an issue too. She has (in the past) woken up at 5 in the morning to clean her bathroom. She was described it was very important to keep her house in order, so that she felt her life wasn't in chaos. I've seen this quote from BPD sufferers on the web.

 

Sadly I am just a layperson whose opinion she will never take to heart. Which raises another interesting point. Their argument that we are not professionals, who are in no position to diagnose them is very true. I mean some things/illnesses/afflictions are very obvious and easy to diagnose. BPD isn't. I am sure the vast majority of people who have posted that their ex has BPD are probably wrong.

 

I just know I'm right about her. I can't explain how I know, I just know. But because she simply does not respect me, there is no chance of her going to a mental health expert and verifying what I told her is true. That is the saddest part for me. The answers are right there in front of her face and she chooses to ignore them.

[Emilia]

Their argument that we are not professionals, who are in no position to diagnose them is very true. I mean some things/illnesses/afflictions are very obvious and easy to diagnose. BPD isn't. I am sure the vast majority of people who have posted that their ex has BPD are probably wrong.

 

I just know I'm right about her. I can't explain how I know, I just know. But because she simply does not respect me, there is no chance of her going to a mental health expert and verifying what I told her is true. That is the saddest part for me. The answers are right there in front of her face and she chooses to ignore them.

 

The emphasys is not on the label as it is a spectrum disorder. The emphasys is on the existence of a group of behaviour traits that we have experienced in loved ones who struggle to maintain long term stable interpersonal relationships. It doesn't matter what you call it and everyone would benefit from regulating their emotions better anyway.

[AlexDP]

The emphasys is not on the label as it is a spectrum disorder. The emphasys is on the existence of a group of behaviour traits that we have experienced in loved ones who struggle to maintain long term stable interpersonal relationships. It doesn't matter what you call it and everyone would benefit from regulating their emotions better anyway.

 

Which, again, puts the responsibility with the person with BPD.

 

I do not understand why some of you post the things you do and then act as if the blame is not entirely on the person.

 

It's not a disorder. It's behaviour. And it's behaviour they consciously choose to display.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Let me start by saying this post is only about the seventh step I have taken so far in owning my life. I have BPD, considered extreme lower functioning. I have broken my own bones, cut my own face on both sides down to the bone, SEVERAL times. My body is litany of scars. Not little cute ones either, but deep wide and jagged gashes all over my body. Not all of them were by my hand. Now after all that I imagine some people are feeling sorry for me...don't

 

I made those decisions. Yes I did have a very abusive childhood. But guess what, I am a man now. I am aware of my parents failure and the proper counter actions to avoid them. I am an adult male, age 31, wife, 4 kids, IQ 172. The very second I became aware of what caused me to CHOOSE to become the person I am, I became responsible for ALL of my actions. I realize that in this very post I will likely come across in a way that will make people say ohhhh yeah this dude is borderline as ****.

 

I am afraid this is just an excuse. I am grown, I factually KNOW what is right and wrong. Even if, as current research suggests, my emotions can be as much as 50 times more intense than other peoples, IT STILL DOES NOT MATTER. I know when I am hurting people, not matter how sorry you may feel for me I am still exactly DECIDING to throw you under the bus to save myself. Excuses can be made for a thief that steals food, but what about if he does it 50 times and never looks for a job. He does it because it is easier. Easier that humbling yourself and begging, easier than trying to hunt or fish, easier than trying to make amends and get support to find a job. See my point here? I have stolen food in case your wondering, it was the only way too... feed my self without begging, without announcing my presence without an adult (I was 11 I think), without possibly being taken into foster care, and to avoid going home to take my punishment.

 

I speak from experience obviously and I don't really need metaphors. I have done so many terrible things. I have done just as many completely macabre and utterly zany things. I have stolen guns and a car from the army and went off to sell it all and start a new life as an arms dealer... I've been an arm's dealer (very small time). I've sold drugs, made them, improved the damn recipe, and then with my new found sense of accomplishment, went on to devastate hundreds of lives.

 

Yes my parents really did do some..., well things. I have seen brain matter in the dust. A white boy, maybe 10 years old. The kid probably weighed about 50 pounds soaking wet. HE was a sheltered little jewish kids with coke bottle glasses. We were in a boot camp for juveniles. We were also the only two white kids out of about 2000 inmates. He had been listening to people talking and made up a story about being a set-king. For those of you who don't know that is the highest rank attainable in a single cell, or set, of a gang, such as the "360 Hoover-Duce Crips". You can probably imagine by now how it ended. They stomped his face over and over and over and over and over and over. Until the groaning increased and his face popped loudly as it caved in. I decided then and there at age 14 that it was simply me versus all of you and that in the end I will survive. I will lie, cheat, kill, steal, whatever it takes. And if that wasn't harsh enough I decided that since I had been treated this way as long as I could remember, that it was destiny, I just WAS evil.

 

I am grown now and I know now that the things my parents did were twisted... sexually, violently, and utterly wrong. However. I am aware now. That makes it MY problem, it makes it my KID's problem, my wife and so on. You cannot fight the rain, but you can bring an umbrella. Even though the rain is the one always getting you wet, nothing is ever going to get the rain to go buy you an umbrella and say it's sorry for all those years of abuse. It's not going to raise your kids properly or go back and raise you right. It's your problem, cause guess what, the rain doesn't care and you can't make it. My parents... Even if they chose to accept their part in this, what could they really do? IT is up to me and only me.

 

Thanks to my foolish decisions in life someone tried to kill me two years ago on Thanksgiving day. The woman who arranged it all was mad because I told to to stay the hell away from my house. Why you ask? Because my best friend from childhood was dating her and doing drugs and I foolishly let him continue to come around my family. I finally drew a line and Brad stopped bringing stuff around, but she kept coming along. When I called her and told her myself that I did not want my kids to even know what a meth head looked like, to stay gone, she reacted by having her family attempt to run me off the road and kill me. I'm a damn good driver, but they rammed me into oncoming traffic. I avoided the SUV barreling at me at the cost of my vehicles structural integrity an it was disabled. They had a phone and I did not, they took everything that happened and flipped it on me. Since I was with Brad, I was assumed to be the aggressor. I got arrested for a bunch of charges. As I was being driven away in the police cruiser the woman's mother, the driver, literally laughed at me while looking me directly in the eyes. I ended up loosing tons of money we don't have. We did not have a thanksgiving or a Christmas. We only had enough left to feed the kids. My wife and I regularly went 3 to 4 days without any food. No gifts for the kids, no heat. Huddled together hungry and freezing. Here we are today. The girl was a Civil investigator and a very effective one, but she did as many drugs as she got off the streets. Cops protected her and her family. The court after accusing me of this offered a plee bargin. I had compiled tons of evidence and thus demanded a jury trial. After several hours of audibly arguing in the back they returned to announce they were just throwing out the case. I protested and was shuffled out of the court room by balifs, being threatened with contempt of court.

 

In the years since someone has pulled the seat belts all the way out and cut them down to a thread, in all of our cars and only the back seats. Car seats have been sabatauged. Things broken, beer bottles thrown at our house in the night. All of this culminated when the night before last someone tried to break in our front door. At about 4:30 Someone came onto the porch and tried to break the door in. It held long enough for Freckles, my beloved Beagle to attack the person. They grabbed a mettle rod that was propped up beside the door and stabbed Freckles 5 times. He crawled away and finally came back the next morning. At dawn I discovered blood everywhere. Freckles was almost completely matted in his own blood, but there was a space of clean fur and then blood all over his snout, with no defensive of any kind. He bite our attacker and he grabbed the rod and stabbed him. I tried to save him. He was the only animal I have ver gotten even remotely attached to, I loved him. He died protecting my family. He finally died yesterday evening. I vet refused to see him for anything less than 400 dollars and would not even sell me a spar suture kit. They did not even come back to the phone. The police say the dog was hit by a car, despite my wife and I listening to it happen from inside. Despite the fact that there is no epidermal or sub-dermal bruising. No abraisions, no fur eroded away nothing, but but five identical cylindrical wounds made from the same angle. They did not dust my cars for prints where the seat belts have been cut. They did not checked the door frame that had been busted in. The refused to believe the dog was stabbed. Yet they dusted my friends trunk when someone stole his mp3 player. MY friend is a dentist, he did not have to ask for a crime lab to be done but they jumped right on it. They refuse my any sort of effort even though my children are at stake.

 

Guess what? All of that MY FAULT. I should not have allowed Brad back into my life, he still did drugs. He brought with him an unknown Evil. I was just stupid. Look how much good, sweet, god loving people are suffering because of me.

 

I accept responsibility. I am too weak to truly do the right thing and repair this damage. I know I could if I tried hard enough, but I'm just tired. It's my life's goal to get on SSA for my families sake and then kill myself. I know it's pathetic, but it's the logical thing to do. I'm just too weak to fix all of this, I just can't keep existing knowing what I have done and what I am. So I am trying to make sure my family at least gets some kinda security before I do them the biggest favor I possible could, aside from heroically "turning it all around".

 

Pray for my family, but hate me I have earned it. If you know what BPD is stay AWAY. Do not date us, do not befriend us, do not under any circumstances feel sorry for us. We may suffer more inside than normal, but we still decide to survive by sacrificing everyone around us. It's just wrong. I wanted to live like a human being, not a fire.

 

I really hope to God at least one person learns from my post. Unless this all sounds good to you, I repeat.

 

STAY THE FUDGE AWAY FROM US.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I don't know if it is allowed, but just in case anyone is doubting this macabre story, I can post images of the porch, the door, even My dog's body. I say again stay away. And if someone is daring enough, if you really want to know if it is "really that bad", then you have but to ask and I will post the pics. Otherwise I will spare everyone the horror. I know it's kinda messed up, but I think if some pictures scare the God fearing **** out of at least one person and they are sparred this, then it's worth everyone's sensibilities.

 

And I apologize for my grammar and would normally go back and edit it, but I am just too tired to care. Maybe later.

 

Now I seriously have to go bury my poor dog. Weather would not allow until now.

 

God bless

[Mack05]

Wow I really don't know what to say HID. I just hope you find peace and happiness in your life going forward. The difference between the low functioning and high functioning BPD is vast to say the least. It's almost like reading about two entirely different disorders.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I don't mean to take this thread over, nor do I intend to for attention's sake. I am aware of my tendency to do so as a person with "bpd", but I assure you I have come to question my every motivation. I do not expect it to last, but for the moment you can trust my word.

 

After guests left some time ago my daughter rushed into our bedroom to tell us a person was in the bathroom window knocking while she was using the facilities. I told my wife to call 911 and armed myself. I went outside straightway. With my cane in hand I very quietly made my way around the house. I ACTUALLY CAUGHT SIGHT OF THE BASTARD. I could not see enough to make any kind of ID other than large white male, about 5,10. He bolted into the tree line. I heard him crashing around and could tell he fell once or twice. I tried to flank him, but he got smart and stopped moving. I picked up rocks and started throwing them, using them to probe. Either got lucky or close because after throwing one he made a dash through the brush for a few seconds and I pursued. He stopped again. He must have had his keys attached to his belt like me, I could hear them jangle from time to time. He managed to get to the highway on the other side of the woods before the police arrived a ****ING HOUR LATER. Sorry I have lost my cool. I understand that I am the reason they are not taking us seriously. I'm nuts and as a result have been carted away in a police car repeatedly for cutting myself to ribbons or some other dramatic horse crap. But, I am a piece of **** in backwoods Georgia and I care enough about an animal to attempt to repair arterial damage with no training beyond external suturing. Because he was simply good. So why, if there is even a chance would a Cop take a chance with children's lives. Why do so with a mountain of PHYSICAL EVIDENCE compiled over a two year time? I am worried because this sort of thing has happened a lot, this is only the first time I have actually caught someone.

 

I just don't know what to do. This person is nuts. I have done everything I can and they have the balls to keep coming back and doing this stuff. They seem to be toying with me. You guys may be seeing the beginnings of a media headline here. If my kids are hurt or worse because the police wrote me off as a nut job. I will never forgive me or them. I will hunt them all down. I will take them and their families. The entire police department. or as many as I can before they get me. And in the highly unlikely event that I survive long enough to get them all I will dole out my own death sentence post haste.

 

Sorry I am nuts, but these things not a fantasy, or a movie, or a ploy for attention. I have pictures again if anyone wants to see.

 

I TAKE THIS TIME AGAIN TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT I BROUGHT THIS ON US. STAY AWAY FROM BPD.

 

My family and I are living in Hell and I have alienated everyone. There is no help coming. They still have not dusted anywhere and have made it clear that do not intend to at this time...just another effin report.

 

I should not post any of this. I don't even know why the hell I am. Just pray for my wife and kids. I am very focused on neutralizing this threat before leaving this world. I can't go until they are safe and provided for.

 

So you see why it is best to avoid us. Because of this sort of terrible crap. The only reason I am awake now is because I am afraid to sleep. I just can't imagine anything happening to my kids, so I can't sleep because I am the only line of defense right now. Maybe at daybreak I can get some rest.

 

Ps, made the dog a grave fit for a person. It turned out very pretty. Dogwood flowers and a wooden cross. It sounds like too much for an animal I know, but he did what he did...

 

I'm gonna stay outa this thread from now on as I have deviated from the purpose. Sorry OP I'll check back to answer questions, but will cease posting otherwise.

[Downtown]

Harmony, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I'm sorry to hear you are in so much emotional pain. If you don't mind, I would like to ask several questions. One is whether you were diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder by a psychologist? If not, how do you know you have it?

 

My other question is how you were able to acquire such remarkable writing skills? Did you learn them in college? I ask because it is hard to fathom how an adolescent -- who was so afraid to go home that he was stealing food to survive -- could end up with the writing skills and keen eye for details that usually is seen only in professional writers. Two of your three posts sound like the introduction to a fascinating novel or biography.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Tried to reply sooner, but freckle's last act on Earth was too chew through my phone line and I had to patch it real quick, plus four kids at morning time, so you know. Alright, let's do this.

 

 

 

Haven't had a chance to figure out forum controls so I'll just do this the old fashioned way for now.

 

@Mack05 Yes it is interesting to me how higher functioning BPD people tend to be. I would have once been considered higher functioning, but I suspect kindling has occurred as a response to never ceasing fluctuations in treatment. This was do to financial limitations, obviously. The result is that I have built up a resistance to many bi-polar medications. That is my theory any way. More on this later perhaps as I am short on time at the moment.

 

@Downtown To answer your first question I was diagnosed with bi-polar at age 16. Massive disturbances even then. BPD diagnoses was received at an inpatient stabilization center after inflicting the most sever of my facial wounds, perhaps about 5 years ago. I thought nothing of it.

 

As it later turned out they were most likely labeling me as simply a "pill" or person with "butt hole patient disorder". Unfortunately however, they accidentally got it right. I fit almost the full criteria for lower functioning. Coupled with rather intensive bi-polar. I forget if it is 1 or 2, but I have the much longer pronounced cycles. ie, about 1 month mania, 3 months depression, about 2 weeks fairly normal, and then back to square one. To somehow make things even more interesting I am INTP type with an intelligence quota of 172. Now I understand it that I can come across as haughty, I assure you I am not arrogant as I did not strive to achieve my intelligence, I simply received it. In addition, as you've probably guessed, my sense of self worth is somewhat lacking. These things I simply state as fact. My intelligence has actually been the driving force of my rare awareness as a lower functioning.

 

This is a terrible dilemma for me. My logic drive is telling me what to do and I understand it's instructions, however my emotion drive is screaming for something anything. If nothing else I know I can always achieve the silence and peace of the aftermath that follows my rage. But then of course my mind has a chance to absorb the barrage of adrenal secretions and other shock. I then process and realize the damage done. Then comes remorse, sometimes so powerful that I simply must give in and cave a pot in on my forehead to feel the sweet simplicity of physical pain. Then this can sometimes spiral into a frenzy of self punishment/relief that ends in me losing a lot of blood. A few years ago I started cutting my left forearm with a very large butcher knife. Somewhere in it all I got caught up in a blood lust for myself. I lost it and just started slashing with all my strength and speed. The result. Blood on the floors, walls and the ceiling of our kitchen. My wife fought the knife away from me, God only knows how, and at the time I actually hated her for it. I wanted to keep going to end in blinding whirlwind or self hatred and finally sleep. I bolted out the door and ran down the street. I did not get far, I was leaving a pretty serious trail of blood. I ran out of energy about .5k away from the house and had to turn back. I did some pretty serious damage that time. Arm still doesn't work like it did before and fingers still tingle. Blood stains are found in the kitchen to this day.

 

That covers your first question with some additional detail about how this manifests in other ways.

 

As to your second question.

 

My ability to write was innate. I was actually unaware of it before starting college. I found that typing was fast enough for me to keep my train of though, yet slowed me down enough to allow my mind a chance to chase down every lead it found. It just kind of happened. My wife said it was like reading a college text book and thought I had purchased the papers.

 

I actually got much better after a few years. It got to the point where school once again got boring and tedious as hell. To add to it I have 3 to 4 little children throughout it all. My conditions, and yes Alex I think even you have to admit to validity of my bi-polar as a condition, made it difficult to function at all. I got school work done by sacrificing about half of my sleep as I could not do it with the kids up. Just living through each day made me want to die. To stop the war.

 

I was a strange child. I spent hours everyday after school in the library. This happened right at the start of kindergarten. I just found the library and got lost in there on day one. By the time I was in the first grade I was familiar with the basics on star life cycles, many venomous animals and their introduction systems. For example in kindergarten I knew a snake used it's advance olfactory organs to Sniff the air for particulates. I ruined media time by informing the kids in my first grade class that teeth don't really turn into stars after the tooth fairy tosses them up there. That was silly stars were basically runaway fusion reactors that eventually collasped on itself resulting in nova or dead start ie black dwarf yadda yadda yadda. I did not recieve prais for my insight to be sure. In fact, the teacher was markedly hostile in our interaction after being pulled outside. I was told not to be a smart ass and quite trying to ruin everyone's time... I can see her perception of it now, but I assure you it was not my intent.

 

I am just a weird guy that enjoys learning to the same degree that a porn addict enjoys porn. I spend about as much time as them on the internet at it as well I'm sure. That was a joke... pretty good huh? lol

 

That's probably more than enough from me. I honestly miss writing and tend to get carried away. I do hope in my typical over detail oriented way I have offered something of value to someone.

 

I would like to say this thread is full so far of some remarkably intelligent people. And believe it our not OP you may have got the input you were wanting. And Alex I actually agree with you, but intent is everything. You should keep your actions the same, but change your reason. Do it for the good and not out of cold hearted spite born out of bad relationships with BPDers. So keep it real, but keep it dispassionately objective about it huh.

 

I'm out for now I will try to keep these Waaaaaaay shorter from here on out

[AlexDP]

And Alex I actually agree with you, but intent is everything. You should keep your actions the same, but change your reason. Do it for the good and not out of cold hearted spite born out of bad relationships with BPDers. So keep it real, but keep it dispassionately objective about it huh.

 

I'm out for now I will try to keep these Waaaaaaay shorter from here on out

 

My opinion about the topic actually isn't born out of bad relationships with BPDers. I had a relationship with a girl I suspect to have BPD, but all in all I just felt sorry for her. I certainly don't hate her.

 

I think the way I do about this topic, because far too frequently do I come across people who simply will not take responsibility for their actions. IMHO it is very simple: people with BPD are perfectly well aware of what they are doing, do downright awful things and should be held accountable.

 

Again, we are not talking about people with schizophrenia. You know what you are doing. Knowledge makes you responsible. It is far too easy for everyone involved to point at "the disorder".

 

It's easy for the BPDer, but it's also easy for the other party. I see people who don't ask themselves why they look up to what is obviously an abuser, but simply say "he's so great when he's good".

 

I see it with Downtown too, who, when talking about your writing skills, is downright patronizing for no apparent reason (I know it's a compliment, but it's still patronizing). Just because you have BPD. It's bizarre.

[Downtown]

Harmony, if you are what you claim to be, you are an extraordinary man, a marvel, a rare jewel. Your having BPD, interestingly, is the LEAST of your claims. I say this because the mood swings you describe, which include strong manic episodes, is bipolar-1 (which my foster son has). Significantly, a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults (pub. 2008) found that half of bipolar-1 sufferers also have full-blown BPD. That is to say, having bipolar-1 put you at great risk (specifically, a 50% risk) of also having comorbid BPD. That is why BPD is not at all surprising.

 

What is surprising, then, are three other attributes you describe. One, of course, is your amazing level of self awareness, a feature that -- as you already know -- is rare among BPDers. A second attribute is the apparently effortless manner in which you are able to tell stories and describe events -- in a detailed and articulate way, as I said earlier, that sounds like the first page of a novel that sucks one right into the book.

 

As unusual as those two attributes are, they pale next to the third, which is simply astounding. I am referring to your claim of having an IQ of 172, a figure that is nearly five standard deviations from the norm (i.e., 100). The chances of any person having an IQ that high is about 1 out of 1.7 million.

 

Hence, if your IQ was measured correctly, there are only about 150 adults in the entire nation (i.e., USA) who are more intelligent than you. I don't know whether your claims are true, Harmony, but they certainly have caught my attention. I find you intriguing.

[Nyla]

I was diagnosed with BPD at age 20. I completed approximately one year of specialized therapy and then my therapist told me that the BPD label no longer fit me. I had severe dependency issues, mood swings and self harming behaviors. It certainly didn't help that I was in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship with a controlling older man. I wanted to get away from my parents so I latched on to this predator.

 

At age 30, I am proud to say that I am doing very well. Intimacy is scary for me but that is because of my abuse history instead of a personality disorder. I have not cut myself or attempted suicide in more than five years. My boundaries are rock solid but that took years of practice and learning to love myself. I was very vulnerable and naive in my early 20's, which led to me attracting selfish and cruel men. I have a strong sense of my own identity and what I will tolerate. I also keep my dysfunctional family of origin at an arm's length for my emotional safety.

 

People think that those with BPD can never heal, but I am living proof of the opposite. It takes years of emotional work and introspection to start making better choices and relate to others in a manner which is not self-destructive. I have spent a total of four years in therapy sifting through the rubble left by being abused for so long.

Edited March 31, 2013 by Nyla

[Mack05]

I was diagnosed with BPD at age 20. I completed approximately one year of specialized therapy and then my therapist told me that the BPD label no longer fit me. I had severe dependency issues, mood swings and self harming behaviors. It certainly didn't help that I was in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship with a controlling older man. I wanted to get away from my parents so I latched on to this predator.

 

At age 30, I am proud to say that I am doing very well. Intimacy is scary for me but that is because of my abuse history instead of a personality disorder. I have not cut myself or attempted suicide in more than five years. My boundaries are rock solid but that took years of practice and learning to love myself. I was very vulnerable and naive in my early 20's, which led to me attracting selfish and cruel men. I have a strong sense of my own identity and what I will tolerate. I also keep my dysfunctional family of origin at an arm's length for my emotional safety.

 

People think that those with BPD can never heal, but I am living proof of the opposite. It takes years of emotional work and introspection to start making better choices and relate to others in a manner which is not self-destructive. I have spent a total of four years in therapy sifting through the rubble left by being abused for so long.

 

Nothing short of inspiring..Congrats Nyla that is awesome and I think the exact post JLC was looking for

[HarmonyInDisonance]

What if you can't get help like as in ANY kind of therapy for BPD. What do I do. I am trying to use things like EMRD, but alone with 4 kids it's nigh impossible. I am trying to change, but not heal. I think I would need help for that and as a dirt poor, (literally house 150 years old, log cabin no insulation or heat, wood stove,) loser who has alienated everyone it's hopeless for me.

 

But I am glad you were able to pull it off. Genuine congrats.

 

Me I have a plan and I believe it will accomplish my goals. It's not a pretty one, but it will get the job done.

 

@Downtown about my IQ. That test was done at age 10 the last of many.

I would say it's likely dropped at least somewhat since then. Test performed repeatedly by Pope AFB DOD school system.

[dreamingoftigers]

What if you can't get help like as in ANY kind of therapy for BPD. What do I do. I am trying to use things like EMRD, but alone with 4 kids it's nigh impossible. I am trying to change, but not heal. I think I would need help for that and as a dirt poor, (literally house 150 years old, log cabin no insulation or heat, wood stove,) loser who has alienated everyone it's hopeless for me.

 

But I am glad you were able to pull it off. Genuine congrats.

 

Me I have a plan and I believe it will accomplish my goals. It's not a pretty one, but it will get the job done.

 

@Downtown about my IQ. That test was done at age 10 the last of many.

I would say it's likely dropped at least somewhat since then. Test performed repeatedly by Pope AFB DOD school system.

 

There is a Borderline Personality Disorder Manual that is used for CBT. You track patterns of aberrant behaviour and the triggers for it.

 

EMDR on yourself isn't anywhere near as useful as having a trained practitioner do it for you. I had EMDR done as well for my BPD.

 

I improved drastically. Night and day in fact. Amazing stuff. But you also shouldn't mess around with it by yourself.

 

If you get "stuck" in a traumatic memory without closing yourself off properly and going back to a "safe zone" you can really make yourself crazy for a week or so. It's pretty intense.

 

My husband was not brought properly back down to a safe zone and his anxiety spiked so badly after a session he had an alcohol relapse (three years ago).

[Downtown]

What if you can't get help like as in ANY kind of therapy for BPD. What do I do?

Harmony, if I were a self-aware BPDer living in rural Georgia without access to social services, there are several things I would do. First, I would get a copy of Borderline Personality Demystified, which seems to be the most popular book targeted to BPDers themselves.

 

Second, I would start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDrecovery.com -- which is the most popular and most active BPD forum targeted solely to the BPDers. There you will be able to learn from the experiences of hundreds of BPDers.

 

Third, I would start communicating -- as you've already done -- with the BPDers here on the TAM forum. I also would communicate with Cheetarah at eNotAlone.com. Cheetarah was diagnosed as having BPD at 14 and has undergone about 10 years of therapy. While you are a new member at these forums, you will not be allowed to send PMs until your post count reaches a certain level. You nonetheless will be able to contact folks by joining in on the discussion in a thread, as you did here.

 

Harmony, if you feel comfortable telling us, how old are you and what is the age range for your four kids? If you have bad legs, what type of work are you able to do to support your family? Do you find yourself often being verbally or physically abusive to your kids and wife?

[HarmonyInDisonance]

There is a Borderline Personality Disorder Manual that is used for CBT. You track patterns of aberrant behaviour and the triggers for it.

 

EMDR on yourself isn't anywhere near as useful as having a trained practitioner do it for you. I had EMDR done as well for my BPD.

 

I improved drastically. Night and day in fact. Amazing stuff. But you also shouldn't mess around with it by yourself.

 

If you get "stuck" in a traumatic memory without closing yourself off properly and going back to a "safe zone" you can really make yourself crazy for a week or so. It's pretty intense.

 

My husband was not brought properly back down to a safe zone and his anxiety spiked so badly after a session he had an alcohol relapse (three years ago).

 

I will have to look into that. Yes I agree That EMDR is probably not wise alone, but I am relatively new to all this. Still researching ways to counter this. I will say that I believe in Treatment for BPD, but I cannot accept it as a true disorder. To do so would make it far to tempting for me to use it as a crutch. It is learned behavior. I can unlearn it. I just need the proper tools. Unfortunately my bi-polar comes along every so often to throw everything into chaos. I'm fighting a war on two fronts, with no backup and a pee shooter. I will manage or die trying.

[Emilia]

Unfortunately my bi-polar comes along every so often to throw everything into chaos. I'm fighting a war on two fronts, with no backup and a pee shooter. I will manage or die trying.

 

What I understand as a complete outsider is that the difficulty comes from the combination of BPD and the comorbid conditions that come with it - which can be several. Everyone is unique, have their own triggers and their own comorbid combinations.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Harmony, if I were a self-aware BPDer living in rural Georgia without access to social services, there are several things I would do. First, I would get a copy of Borderline Personality Demystified, which seems to be the most popular book targeted to BPDers themselves.

 

Second, I would start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDrecovery.com -- which is the most popular and most active BPD forum targeted solely to the BPDers. There you will be able to learn from the experiences of hundreds of BPDers.

 

Third, I would start communicating -- as you've already done -- with the BPDers here on the TAM forum. I also would communicate with Cheetarah at eNotAlone.com. Cheetarah was diagnosed as having BPD at 14 and has undergone about 10 years of therapy. While you are a new member at these forums, you will not be allowed to send PMs until your post count reaches a certain level. You nonetheless will be able to contact folks by joining in on the discussion in a thread, as you did here.

 

Harmony, if you feel comfortable telling us, how old are you and what is the age range for your four kids? If you have bad legs, what type of work are you able to do to support your family? Do you find yourself often being verbally or physically abusive to your kids and wife?

 

I am 31. Children are ages 1, 3, 5, and 7. I do have very bad knees. On the right side mainly I have problems from a wreck long ago. Keen crushed to splinters and a bone graft taken from my hip. In hind site they probably should have taken the graft from the left side. Balance things out, but I digress...

 

I am able to build computers of any type, including my Super (Dubbed simply UNIT-1). I am just as capable in the networking arena, both physical and logical. I started a company before kid number 4 and it had begun to do well. Kid number 4 kinda put a stop to that.

 

I was only able to work in short spurts however and could barely provide much in the way of steady money. I would sell a monster gaming rig every so often and make a piece. Then I would nail a network design,build/deploy gig. It was very hard though to manage. I made my money by doing all the work alone and thus not having to pay help. However having to switch from admin, to negotiator, to hardware guy, to software guy, and then finally to dad of 3 hyperactive smarty pants children; it left me drained quickly. Believe it or not I did most of this field work with my youngest at the time on my hip or a harness and the older two bouncing around me. I would literally finish a job and then twitch for a week or two. I'm just wound so tight, yet around outsiders I do not say much at all. I appear as the ocean on a calm day. Still as glass on the surface, but a ballet of violence and a circle of carnal consumption rages beneath, never ceasing.

 

These days I cannot seem to do any of it. I'm in gridlock with myself anymore. I have to run every thought through a logic filter. I am afraid to speak or act freely at any time. If I let up for a moment I end up losing control. I even have to be careful about my response to praise. You see any positive feed back, most especially that from intelligent people, is exceedingly rare. When I do receive it, it is very much like the narcotic rush of an opiate. So I have had to learn to dull this down as much as possible or simply negate it completely. I earned my associates with honors (albeit the messiest transcript you will EVER see) and just could not allow myself to experience any satisfaction. I just can't. I have come to find that I can negate most emotion, but it seems to convert either to anger or physical pain. I have come to treat emotions as having the same properties as physical energy, ie finite, and thus prone to depletion or amplification ect. I am working on a system to quantify these energy levels. Seriously, I believe that I have found a way to quantify emotional energy as joules. Hmmmmmm. I tell you what any one interested in my research, need but let me know and I will simply start a thread wherever appropriate.

 

I'll end with this. If could imagine being able to hold down any job it would be in pure research. Physics, computational science, computer science, possible chemistry, nuclear physics, I don't care. All are fascinating subject. Currently in my research I am marrying many of these fields and am beginning to find that one of my hero's was spot one when he said "everything is relative".

 

It truly is. The system known as our world is not unfathomable in it's entirety. It is simply deep and beautiful. I could die in a lab exploring that system.

 

Ran on again dammit. I pissed my professors off this way often sorry again. Oh and yes I get verbally abusive with my kids and wife. I hate it, so I try to just stay reserved. More of nothing is better than more of everything as it where. Hope that answers everything for now, let me know if anyone would like to see my research.