Borderline Personality Disorder?

[Downtown]

Does the feeling of engulfment come from the fear of intimacy directly?

Hello again, Emilia. As you know, nobody knows with a certainty what it is that causes the two fears. As I understand the psychiatric community's current view, they believe that BPDers both crave and fear the intimacy. On another forum, one member (a "Non") described this paradox (of craving what one fears the most) as analogous to the way a vampire must feel about a sunrise: every vampire longs to see one but knows it is death if they do.

 

I would rather say that the BPDer fears the engulfment, not the intimacy itself. As to your question -- i.e., where does that engulfment come from? -- strictly speaking, it is not caused by the intimacy but, rather, by the BPDer's fragile and unstable sense of self. Anyone having such a weak ego has a strong desire to be close to a strong personality who will center and ground her.

 

Yet, as soon as she gets exactly that -- as happens in intimate moments -- her weak sense of self causes her to feel engulfed, controlled, and suffocated. She may even feel like she is evaporating into thin air, losing all sense of identity as she becomes absorbed into the lover's strong personality.

 

She therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing at all -- in order to push the man away, giving her breathing room. And, because that argument originates at a subconscious level, she is convinced that the absurd allegation is really the true source of her anger. This, then, is why BPDers tend to create their very WORST fights immediately after the very BEST of times.

[Emilia]

I would rather say that the BPDer fears the engulfment, not the intimacy itself.

 

That would tally with my personal experiences.

 

As to your question -- i.e., where does that engulfment come from? -- strictly speaking, it is not caused by the intimacy but, rather, by the BPDer's fragile and unstable sense of self. Anyone having such a weak ego has a strong desire to be close to a strong personality who will center and ground her.

 

Yet, as soon as she gets exactly that -- as happens in intimate moments -- her weak sense of self causes her to feel engulfed, controlled, and suffocated. She may even feel like she is evaporating into thin air, losing all sense of identity as she becomes absorbed into the lover's strong personality.

 

She therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing at all -- in order to push the man away, giving her breathing room. And, because that argument originates at a subconscious level, she is convinced that the absurd allegation is really the true source of her anger. This, then, is why BPDers tend to create their very WORST fights immediately after the very BEST of times.

 

Makes complete sense. Sometimes it scares me how easily I relate to it yet I don't have the dysfunction myself.

[Emilia]

Those who can't admit to themselves simply never learn. They repeat the same negative patterns, the same cycles (first hope, then happiness, eventually followed by sadness, vicious anger, blame shifting, projecting, gaslighting and ultimately playing the bitter victim). Rinse, lather, repeat.

 

By admitting you have BPD you have taken the first step to truly setting yourself free. For that I applaud your courage and wish you well for the future.

 

Fully agree and I wish the same to the OP and to all other BPD sufferers that have the clarity to recognise what they are dealing with.

[M30USA]

I was married to a BPDer for 5 years. I still would be if I were strong enough to handle her. I realized early on (after wedding) that something wasn't right. I also knew she wouldn't and couldn't change. Therefore it became a question about me: could I personally handle it? I tried for 5 years. Eventually it broke me down until I was in a bad way. Then I had no choice.

[Emilia]

Eventually it broke me down until I was in a bad way. Then I had no choice.

 

If talking about it helps maybe you could post here or start a thread in this section. There are a lot of people that went through similar experiences

[pink_sugar]

My aunt has BPD with psychotic episodes. It's been very hard for our family for many years. The main issue is that my grandmother has enabled her since she was diagnosed at 19...she's 43 now and only recently got her own place after many issues forcing her to move out of my grandmother's apartment. I think a lot of her issues have to do with the way she was raised more so than her BPD itself, as many people still function and go about daily life. My grandmother always treated her and calls her "a sick person" you need to understand and make excuses for. It's not like she has autism or down syndrome. She volunteers, has her own apartment now and gets herself around. I believe that if my grandmother didn't enable her to be so dependent all her life, my aunt could have had a normal life like any of the rest of us. But she has always been really spoiled rotten because my grandmother has always given my aunt her way since she was a baby. She takes full advantage of this. A lot of the family doesn't really want to be around her because of this.

[Downtown]

Sometimes it scares me how easily I relate to it yet I don't have the dysfunction myself.

Emilia, the reason it is so easy for us to relate to BPD traits is that we all exhibited them at a strong level on a 24/7 basis all the way through childhood. Many of us continued exhibiting them strongly during our teens (which is why most psychologists refuse to diagnose BPD until a person is at least 18).

 

Indeed, even in adulthood, all normal adults continue exhibiting all nine of the BPD traits -- albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD (and the other PDs) is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means we all have it to some degree. Having these traits at a normal level is actually beneficial because they arise from primitive defenses that help ensure our survival.

 

The black-white thinking (i.e., "splitting"), for example, is a good thing when not over done. For example, when you are walking in a crosswalk and look up suddenly to see a bus bearing down on you, your mind instantly flips to black-white thinking. That is, you are capable in that moment of only thinking "jump left" or "jump right." In this way, black-white thinking is essential to our safety and is protective. It becomes a problem only when we rely on it far too heavily, as BPDers tend to do when under any stress.

[J_L_C]

Thank you for the post, very good explanation and along the lines of what I expected. 'Luckily' (if luck can be associated with personality disorders I suppose) you seem to be a high functioning BPD sufferer, ie you are able to hold down a job, deal with anything that doesn't affect your closest relationships.

 

It's interesting that you mention authority figures, my ex is in the Army and he got kicked out of officer training I think probably for the same reasons. When he gets angry with me he calls me patronising and condescending, nothing worse really. When I try to tell him that I disagree with how he is handling something he accuses me of treating him like a child.

 

Have any of your boyfriends been able to influence your anxieties and abandonment fears in a positive way? Have they ever managed to get through to you to at least some degree or is it always just the outsiders that do? Have members of your family been ever able to soothe your fears?

 

I understand how your emotions affect your cognition I think (it happens to all of us to a degree, BPD is just a much stronger version of it). Have you heard of this book Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook: Amazon.co.uk: Scott E. Spradlin: Books This is the one I want my ex to read.

 

Hi Emilia,

Thanks for the compliment...I do take that as a compliment because much of the time my life can be very difficult, but I have to have 'some' semblance of normalcy within certain facets.

 

My BPD does surely affect my intimate relationships as I mentioned previously. My most recent ex was actually someone I came to really trust. He made me believe he was never going to leave and I honestly, for the first time, felt secure in that relationship. If you have a chance, read my thread titled: Sherlock Holmes and my second thread: Dilemma. OMIGOSH, after everything that happened, I feel almost foolish for having put that trust in him and now I'm left with even GREATER trust issues. So maybe I'll just stay single lol.

 

In regard to my family members, it's always hot and cold. Many times it can be a nightmare. My parents were quite strict while I was growing up and even to this day I still feel it, so many arguments erupt when I don't perceive things accurately (I guess this falls under the 'authority' issue). Other times, they are my greatest support and when I really need help figuring something out (seeing things from a different perspective), they are more than helpful.

 

The tough thing for me about having BPD is that I often don't know when my own moods/emotions will flip. It could be the smallest little thing that might set me off one day and not matter a hoot the next.

 

There is a good book called: Walking on Eggshells and another one called "I hate you, don't leave me". Very good reads on those with BPD.

[J_L_C]

Have you heard of this book Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook: Amazon.co.uk: Scott E. Spradlin: Books This is the one I want my ex to read.

 

I actually haven't heard of this book, but I looked through it and it seems quite appropriate if you are hoping to have your ex read it. Dialectal Behaviour Therapy is one of the only few methods that really help with BPD. I have been in a year long DBT program using the principles developed by Marsha Linehan. She is the pioneer in this treatment and actually "suffered" it herself. She claims DBT cured her and saved her life. You might be interested to do a google search on her as well

[J_L_C]

JLC, I agree with Emelia that you are describing yourself as high functioning (which is the case for the vast majority of BPDers). The reason that you do so well around busiess associates, casual friends, and total strangers is that none of those folks pose a threat to your two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. Specifically, there is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to cause engulfment.

 

As soon as one of them draws close to you, however, they will pose a threat. The result will be that you will go through a cycle of push-him-away (when feeling engulfed) and pull-him-back (when feeling abandoned). Most men will tolerate that cycle for perhaps a year if they are emotionally healthy. Then they will walk, if not sooner.

 

The ones who will stay longer are the codependent caregivers (like me) and the narcissists (as your Ex seems to be in your descriptions of him). We caregivers will stay for years because we are mistakenly convinced that, if we can only figure out what we are doing wrong, we can fix things.

 

The narcissists may stay for years for two reasons. One is that they love the "narcissistic supply" (i.e., the adoration) you provide them when splitting them white. The second reason is that, because narcissists cannot tolerate sustained initimacy and closeness, they need the mini-vacations from intimacy that you provide every time you split them black and push them away. This, at least, is my understanding of it, JLC. I was married for 15 years to a BPDer.

 

Thank you to you as well!

 

My ex was MOST definitely a narcissist!!! I posted two threads about my 'adventures' with him. Feel free to take a read if interested (I posted the names just above here).

 

You're right about my issues with abandonment. I don't fear engulfment to such a degree, but I am literally driven by my intimate relationships. I fear them leaving so much that it eventually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. There are so many speculations in the BPD world for why one develops the disorder, but I don't fall into any of the common theories. I never suffered any sort of trauma or abandonment in my childhood. My parents were very loving and always present, but almost TOO present if that makes sense. They were quite strict which I think is the reason for why I acted out at such an early age. My anger was a problem from the start of my childhood and I was quite impulsive. Whenever I felt like I wasn't being "heard" I would act out in whatever way I needed in order to be "heard". The abandonment piece is still a mystery to me.

 

What kinds of things did you have to deal with in your marriage to someone with BPD? If it's too personal and you'd rather not share, I understand

[J_L_C]

Downtown great post as always. Perfect description of BPD relationship(s) IMO. Good to see you back.

 

JLC for you to even admit that you have BPD is the most enormous step forward. You won't find many BPD sufferers reply on this thread, because they rarely can admit this (that they may potentially have BPD) to themselves for a multitude of different reasons. My last ex is a BPD sufferer. It was a nightmare experience to go through. I was the codependent, her ex before that the narcissist.

 

Those who can't admit to themselves simply never learn. They repeat the same negative patterns, the same cycles (first hope, then happiness, eventually followed by sadness, vicious anger, blame shifting, projecting, gaslighting and ultimately playing the bitter victim). Rinse, lather, repeat.

 

By admitting you have BPD you have taken the first step to truly setting yourself free. For that I applaud your courage and wish you well for the future.

 

Thank you for this. To be honest, in my everyday life I'm not so quick to admit it or open up about it for various reasons. There is so much stigma and misunderstanding around what BPD is...and for each individual, it is so very different.

 

Isn't it interesting...I've been doing a lot of reading of people who are BPD and wind up with narcissists. My ex was a narcissist and I, of course, BPD. I've googled article, upon article and read some really interesting information on why this particular union just doesn't work...yet the two types are so drawn to each other.

 

What kinds of things did you have to deal with in terms of your ex and BPD? Again, if this is too personal and you choose not to share that is ok

[J_L_C]

My aunt has BPD with psychotic episodes. It's been very hard for our family for many years. The main issue is that my grandmother has enabled her since she was diagnosed at 19...she's 43 now and only recently got her own place after many issues forcing her to move out of my grandmother's apartment. I think a lot of her issues have to do with the way she was raised more so than her BPD itself, as many people still function and go about daily life. My grandmother always treated her and calls her "a sick person" you need to understand and make excuses for. It's not like she has autism or down syndrome. She volunteers, has her own apartment now and gets herself around. I believe that if my grandmother didn't enable her to be so dependent all her life, my aunt could have had a normal life like any of the rest of us. But she has always been really spoiled rotten because my grandmother has always given my aunt her way since she was a baby. She takes full advantage of this. A lot of the family doesn't really want to be around her because of this.

 

It's very interesting you say this, because to date, there has been little-to-no evidence indicating a biological predisposition to BPD. It has often been said that it is the way a young child adapts and learns within their direct environment. For example: My parents were quite strict as I was growing up. As a result, many choices were made FOR me and I didn't have the chance to exert a lot of my own independence. As I got older, my anger started to surface and I would act out terribly. This then transferred over to other 'authority' figures (ex. teachers, bosses, etc). It was MY form of "control".

[M30USA]

I believe that if my grandmother didn't enable her to be so dependent all her life, my aunt could have had a normal life like any of the rest of us. But she has always been really spoiled rotten because my grandmother has always given my aunt her way since she was a baby. She takes full advantage of this. A lot of the family doesn't really want to be around her because of this.

 

Bingo. I am no psychologist, but I have my own theories about what contributes to BPD. I believe when a person is raised to always get what they want, it makes them start to view others as a means to an end rather than actual people with feelings and souls. I also believe it prevents them from ever being able to have mutual relationships with give-and-take. If they aren't benefiting and are required to legitimately care for another person, then they have no need for the relationship.

[Emilia]

Bingo. I am no psychologist, but I have my own theories about what contributes to BPD. I believe when a person is raised to always get what they want, it makes them start to view others as a means to an end rather than actual people with feelings and souls. I also believe it prevents them from ever being able to have mutual relationships with give-and-take. If they aren't benefiting and are required to legitimately care for another person, then they have no need for the relationship.

 

My aunt has BPD with psychotic episodes. It's been very hard for our family for many years. The main issue is that my grandmother has enabled her since she was diagnosed at 19...she's 43 now and only recently got her own place after many issues forcing her to move out of my grandmother's apartment. I think a lot of her issues have to do with the way she was raised more so than her BPD itself, as many people still function and go about daily life. My grandmother always treated her and calls her "a sick person" you need to understand and make excuses for. It's not like she has autism or down syndrome. She volunteers, has her own apartment now and gets herself around. I believe that if my grandmother didn't enable her to be so dependent all her life, my aunt could have had a normal life like any of the rest of us. But she has always been really spoiled rotten because my grandmother has always given my aunt her way since she was a baby. She takes full advantage of this. A lot of the family doesn't really want to be around her because of this.

 

What the two of you are describing are the common reasons why BDP sufferers are seen as manipulating, spoilt liars while in fact they have a primitive defence mechanism that - as Downtown has pointed it out on in his latest post - we all had as children. BPD sufferers don't develop more sophisticated defense mechanism and self-soothing unless they are given the tools and taught how to.

 

This is why they come across as spoilt children to you. You can't compare it to autism but a BPD sufferer will struggle just as much when it comes to determining people's motivations as someone with autism, except for different reasons.

 

When I listen to my ex's comments screening out the noise he makes, it is very clear to me that his anger comes from his perception of how I view him. I don't know anything about your aunt Pink Sugar but I think it should be agreed that you cannot view BPD sufferers as having the same thought process and motivation as you do.

 

Your grandmother wouldn't have known what to do with your aunt's dysfunction, she would have only understood that your aunt was struggling with aspects of adult behaviour that the rest of us master leading her to go through constant conflicts with her environment and probably single for the rest of her life. Understanding and compassion are not the same as enabling, hope they aren't viewed as such.

[Mack05]

Emila, I am going to buy this book -> http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dont-Emotions-Harbinger-Self-Help-Workbook/dp/1572243090

 

Now any way I can get my ex(s) to buy the book :-)

[Emilia]

I actually haven't heard of this book, but I looked through it and it seems quite appropriate if you are hoping to have your ex read it. Dialectal Behaviour Therapy is one of the only few methods that really help with BPD. I have been in a year long DBT program using the principles developed by Marsha Linehan. She is the pioneer in this treatment and actually "suffered" it herself. She claims DBT cured her and saved her life. You might be interested to do a google search on her as well

 

Emila, I am going to buy this book -> Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook: Amazon.co.uk: Scott E. Spradlin: Books

 

Now any way I can get my ex(s) to buy the book :-)

 

Haha well it certainly isn't some magic wand though have been reading it the last few days and I find it useful for myself! I've worked out for example that while I thought some things I feel in certain situations are signs of anxiety are in fact signs of fear and should be dealt with differently. Very good.

 

There is one user here on LS who found the book helping him enormously with regulating his emotions. It is quite sympathetically written. Only one step in the right direction though unfortunately.

[Mack05]

Haha well it certainly isn't some magic wand though have been reading it the last few days and I find it useful for myself! I've worked out for example that while I thought some things I feel in certain situations are signs of anxiety are in fact signs of fear and should be dealt with differently. Very good.

 

There is one user here on LS who found the book helping him enormously with regulating his emotions. It is quite sympathetically written. Only one step in the right direction though unfortunately.

 

I agree with that Emelia. I don't think any person can ever say "I am 100% emotionally mature", therefore I believe I will learn a lot from the book.

 

While I am well and truly over my last ex, I still care deeply for her and always will. Despite all the abuse, gaslighting, manipulating, etc etc, I still hope and pray that she ends up happy in the longterm and would love for her to get the help that IMO she desperately needs to truly set herself free.

 

She is a good girl. I can separate black and white thinking, she can't. I don't 'split' like she does. My last two ex's have seemingly forgotten my good side and focus solely on the negatives. I have learnt that even when you see someone's worst side, you still need to be objective and continue see their good side. I know this will help me greatly in my life going forward.

 

My last ex thinks she is happy nowadays, but I already know the bubble will burst. It's just a matter of when. I guess it's up to me to make sure I don't follow her path..

[Emilia]

She is a good girl. I can separate black and white thinking, she can't. I don't 'split' like she does. My last two ex's have seemingly forgotten my good side and focus solely on the negatives. I have learnt that even when you see someone's worst side, you still need to be objective and continue see their good side. I know this will help me greatly in my life going forward.

 

My last ex thinks she is happy nowadays, but I already know the bubble will burst. It's just a matter of when. I guess it's up to me to make sure I don't follow her path..

 

I think it needs to be accepted that every aspect of their personality is them. the 'good girl' is her, the 'vicious/nasty girl' is her. It's a fragmented identity represented in ways according to what has the largest effect on her at that moment.

 

I never believe that I would follow my ex's path, I don't even react to his anger regardless how personal he tries to get. I view it completely from the outside and I have to say that has helped me to cut most of the emotional bond that we used to have.

[Minnie09]

I talked to a psychotherapist once and he told me that the term bpd is overused. The percentage of borderliners in society is so small that it doesn't make sense that everyone thinks they have it, or they know someone or are married to someone who has it etc. He said if you don't experience significant, earth-shattering, horrible trauma in your early childhood, and he phrased it WAY more graphic, too, including sexual abuse in childhood, then you are NOT a borderliner. Say good bye to that thought. You may be emotionally unstable or afraid of commitment, or passive-aggressive in relationship, or simply immature, but bpd is a serious mental disorder and the term shouldn't be used if this is not the case for you.

[Emilia]

I talked to a psychotherapist once and he told me that the term bpd is overused. The percentage of borderliners in society is so small that it doesn't make sense that everyone thinks they have it, or they know someone or are married to someone who has it etc. He said if you don't experience significant, earth-shattering, horrible trauma in your early childhood, and he phrased it WAY more graphic, too, including sexual abuse in childhood, then you are NOT a borderliner. Say good bye to that thought. You may be emotionally unstable or afraid of commitment, or passive-aggressive in relationship, or simply immature, but bpd is a serious mental disorder and the term shouldn't be used if this is not the case for you.

 

This theory has been discredited since. Currently it is estimated that about 6-10% of the population has BPD and in the UK about 17% of the prison population do, roughly the same for mental institutions. It is better to speak to a specialist I think.

 

It isn't just related to childhood sexual abuse, it can be inherited (I think currently it is seen that there is a 65% chance that a child will have BPD if at least one of the parents have it), can develop due to physical abuse or neglect - or in the case of the OP what sounds like is invalidation of expression of emotions

Edited March 26, 2013 by Emilia

[Mack05]

I talked to a psychotherapist once and he told me that the term bpd is overused. The percentage of borderliners in society is so small that it doesn't make sense that everyone thinks they have it, or they know someone or are married to someone who has it etc. He said if you don't experience significant, earth-shattering, horrible trauma in your early childhood, and he phrased it WAY more graphic, too, including sexual abuse in childhood, then you are NOT a borderliner. Say good bye to that thought. You may be emotionally unstable or afraid of commitment, or passive-aggressive in relationship, or simply immature, but bpd is a serious mental disorder and the term shouldn't be used if this is not the case for you.

 

Minnie I do and don't agree with this. Two years ago I was looking for excuses as to why my ex left me. I convinced myself she had BPD. I did an awful lot of study and researched the topic extensively. In hindsight I probably was wrong about her. Something wasn't/isn't right that I am sure, but BPD probably not.

 

The complete irony is the next ex after her, is a BPD sufferer. Now I couldn't be more sure of this. Like 111%. The only symptom she didn't have was she never stole. That was the ONLY one. Everything else was a CLEAR Pointer. Abusive childhood, previously attempted suicide, HUGE anger issues, emotional and verbal abuse, Splitting to all good or all bad, Black and White view of the world, manipulation on a scale I have never seen.

 

Attracted to Narcs and codependents, numerous toxic relationships (but apparently has the perfect relationship now despite moving on VERY quickly and done zero self improvement on herself), anxiety attacks, poor coping skills, poor emotional control, something always ailing her when things were tough, never admit she was wrong, could never would take accountability or accept responsibility from her actions. Would accuse me of saying things I never said. I could go on and on and on.

 

She does what all BPD sufferers do. Project, gaslight, blameshift and play the victim. I always laugh at her talk about how 'easy' her new relationship is. It baffles me who someone that bright, can be that dumb. Sure honeymoon periods are great for BPD sufferers, but the afflictions which have caused their previous relationships to turn toxic will come into play again. It is only a matter of time.

 

BPD is a serious mental disorder totally agree..My ex has a good side, but she is mental. And I do mean MENTAL. I don't exaggerate this fact. Anyone who has suffered at the hands of this (especially after being in some normal relationships) knows they have dealt with something very serious. It is something I will see a mile off in future. It's the reason I have taken a few years off the dating scene. I will never put myself in that situation again and the only way you can guarantee this, is for ME to become emotionally healthy.

Edited March 26, 2013 by Mack05

[Emilia]

BPD is a serious mental disorder totally agree..My ex has a good side, but she is mental. And I do mean MENTAL. I don't exaggerate this fact. Anyone who has suffered at the hands of this (especially after being in some normal relationships) knows they have dealt with something very serious. It is something I will see a mile off in future. It's the reason I have taken a few years off the dating scene. I will never put myself in that situation again and the only way you can guarantee this, is for ME to become emotionally healthy.

 

It is serious and you recognise the signs. The impulsiveness, the splitting, the crazy projecting when you are never ever able to get through to someone regardless how hard you try. You just can't. The viciousness, the sudden mood change during the good times you are having. Just a lot of inexplicable things. My ex didn't act out like yours but he had absolutely no control over his emotions and I have never ever spoken to anyone before with whom it was completely impossible to reason. I think this is what I have found so strange. The complete absence of reasoning. Nothing, nada. It's like as if a completely normal person just went brain dead and wasn't capable of more than spewing hate. The strangest and most disturbing thing ever. I compare it to the Exorcist.

[Mack05]

Emilia with me is was LDR. I decided to visit her to see of we could progress/resolve things. I had been pulling away a lot as I knew this wasn't normal. The sad thing is I had zero self esteem to leave for good.

 

When I got there she shut me out. I was becoming all 'bad' in her eyes. I tried to get her to open up. One night I will NEVER forget the 'crazy' look in her eyes. It was a look I have only seen in the movies. She takes me to the airport after a huge fight so I could go home. She drove the car like a raving lunatic. It was nuts. I thought we were going to crash. It's something I will never forget.

 

We slowly disconnected after that. I was still hoping for the super sweet girl with the super big brown eyes, who had the cutest face to come back. Of course she never did. It was one vicious attack after another. She was leaving 'emotionally' and determined to hurt me as much as she could on the way out.

 

For sure it's left a lasting effect, but I have come an awful long way in the past year and I am now in a really good place personally. I've made a few attempts to make peace but she is not the forgiving type, so for sure I will never contact her again. I can only pray god opens her eyes to her predicament. I wouldn't wish BPD on my worst enemy. I feel sorry for what my ex has been through in her childhood and how this chain reaction has caused a vicious domino effect which has severely affected her life.

[Emilia]

We slowly disconnected after that. I was still hoping for the super sweet girl with the super big brown eyes, who had the cutest face to come back. Of course she never did. It was one vicious attack after another. She was leaving 'emotionally' and determined to hurt me as much as she could on the way out.

 

For sure it's left a lasting effect, but I have come an awful long way in the past year and I am now in a really good place personally. I've made a few attempts to make peace but she is not the forgiving type, so for sure I will never contact her again. I can only pray god opens her eyes to her predicament. I wouldn't wish BPD on my worst enemy. I feel sorry for what my ex has been through in her childhood and how this chain reaction has caused a vicious domino effect which has severely affected her life.

 

I've never experienced explosion with my ex, only implosion but the above has been my experience word for word. Not expecting forgiveness myself either .

[AlexDP]

Emilia, the reason it is so easy for us to relate to BPD traits is that we all exhibited them at a strong level on a 24/7 basis all the way through childhood. Many of us continued exhibiting them strongly during our teens (which is why most psychologists refuse to diagnose BPD until a person is at least 18).

 

 

Which in turn also tells you that in reality people with BPD are just emotional children and should be considered as such.

 

It is not a disorder that is impossible to overcome, but it is also not a disorder that is usually, if ever, overcome with therapy.

 

Either they grow up or they don't.