Is my mother narcissistic or is it just me?

[dreamingoftigers]

Btw, after my suicide attempt and subsequent 2 week hospitalization my father wouldn't visit me there. It was too "embarrassing" and I was just "manipulating everyone."

 

"you know you're just doing this to hurt your mother."

 

WTF?

 

Mom used to open my mail all of the time too. Including my acceptance letter to university. No sense. They just had no sense.

[Sugarkane]

This is my parents exactly to a T. I can relate to everything here. The reading of my diary when I was young. Telling/ lying that no one grows up at age. Telling me NEVER to have children young- god forbid! Then bragging about a co worker my age with kids in the next sentence. Being extremely over controlling. Screamed at my face and called me a slut and a whore when I started being sexually active as a teen. Why is there no support or info anywhere? I haven't found it and if I get blasted for it here for posting about it.

[Sugarkane]

How does anyone stay sane?

[RiverRunning]

NPD is supposed to be fairly rare here in the US (I think 1 out of every 100 people). Part of it is that it's under-the-radar a lot of times (most people don't witness the narcissistic parent abusing the child. Outsiders don't know about it). And because it's verbal, I think people have more of a *shrug the shoulders* kind of attitude about it.

 

I only learned about it when I typed 'mom controls my life' into a search engine, and several NPD-related sites popped up. When I started reading the descriptions, I felt a HUGE surge of relief to know what it was.

 

fwiw, anyone reading the thread, don't ever bother to confront your parent with this information. I can tell you that of the many, many, many folks I've talked to...not a single one had a positive result. Often the mother cuts them off, tells them they're crazy, spreads this 'lie' around to the family to make you look bad, etc. It just seems to make everything worse.

 

They're in denial and they have to come to the conclusion themselves...but the fact is, the vast majority of folks with NPD don't believe they have a problem (it's everybody else!), so they don't get help.

[dreamingoftigers]

You mean you had the audacity to be an individual, sentient person, with thoughts, feelings, and a point of view of your own?

 

How dare you?!?!??

 

Omg rally the troops, they're trying to become an independent state!

 

Adult children of narcissists aren't supposed to be individuals, they exist as a prop in the stage that is the N's life. Or as a an accessory, like a shiny new bracelet to wear on the N's arm---to show off to everyone.

 

It sounds like you've done a lot of introspection & healing from your FOO problems, River Running---it's something to be proud of (though I regret that you even had to deal with that in the first place) .It's even more impressive

that you've come to understand the underlying dynamics at work at a relatively young age. A lot of ACoNs (Adult children of narcissists) don't start to understand the damage until they're middle-aged. So you've gotten a good head start.

 

My background in this; is that I had a father who exhibited very strong NPD tendencies, and my mother showed a mix of BPD/NPD. I was in my thirties and she was still griping about stuff that happened when I was a teenager.

She also very matter-of-factly told me that she would've never had children , if abortion had been legal when I was conceived. So, I grew up feeling like I had to apologize for my very existence, let alone all of my other failings and shortcomings that were pointed out to me on a regular basis. Heaven forbid, I ever got a "B" on my report card, instead of straight "A's , like she did.

 

 

It's a wonder I have any self-esteem at all, but fortunately I escaped when I was 18, and found my own way in the world.

 

Thats awful about the abortion thing. Seriously. My husband was told sobering similar. When my dad tried to kill me I think it is like that.

 

Something inside breaks, you get this feeling like "I'm not even supposed to be here."

 

Neither one of my parents can EVER be trusted.

[Sugarkane]

I wouldn't anyway I'd get yelled at just for a change. I always get the you're selfish and spoilt even though I pay for everything myself. Why ate we made to feel bad for wanting to cut them off? Why does society think you have to still have a relationsip with your parents no matter how abusive? I can't stand that they're allowed to verbally abuse me but I'm not? When I asked then why they're so strict with me they always make Lame excuses your sheltered. I said then why did you bring me up that way in the first place? My parents would be happy if I was middle aged and never left home.

[dreamingoftigers]

npd is supposed to be fairly rare here in the us (i think 1 out of every 100 people). Part of it is that it's under-the-radar a lot of times (most people don't witness the narcissistic parent abusing the child. Outsiders don't know about it). And because it's verbal, i think people have more of a *shrug the shoulders* kind of attitude about it.

 

I only learned about it when i typed 'mom controls my life' into a search engine, and several npd-related sites popped up. When i started reading the descriptions, i felt a huge surge of relief to know what it was.

 

Fwiw, anyone reading the thread, don't ever bother to confront your parent with this information. I can tell you that of the many, many, many folks i've talked to...not a single one had a positive result. Often the mother cuts them off, tells them they're crazy, spreads this 'lie' around to the family to make you look bad, etc. It just seems to make everything worse.

 

They're in denial and they have to come to the conclusion themselves...but the fact is, the vast majority of folks with npd don't believe they have a problem (it's everybody else!), so they don't get help.

 

seconded!!!

[freestyle]

Serious hugs. Man.

 

The "I wish I could've aborted you" crap is a recurring theme I've seen. The callousness to say such a thing...the immaturity.

 

Anybody else get lots of very girl-negative comments from their parents? I got furious the other day because I saw a friend of my future sister-in-law's tell her, "Oh, you're having a girl, be prepared for all the drama and hard work!" It took quite a bit of restraint not to add, "It's not all in the kid's genes. If you're a drama queen, you will probably have a drama queen too."

 

I was relaying this to my mom when she blurted out, "Oh, girls are SO much more difficult and very dramatic and whiny." Then she mentioned this time that I was prescribed steroids for a lung ailment when I was...10 or 11. I do remember being more emotional and crying.

 

She told my doctor that I was "psychotic" and she wanted me off of the steroids. I remember crying a few times while on the steroids over the course of two weeks. Of course, it was easy for her to declare that I was 'psychotic,' when in reality I was severely depressed and generally hid away to do my crying.

 

I think a lot of people find me sort of stoic and distant on first meeting. I think that's something I learned from having to hide myself - always having to be logical and stoic to avoid criticism. When I get close to people, I'm very affectionate and friendly, but.

 

I have one more good story:

 

She and I once got into a fight when I lived at home because I wouldn't go out to get her fast food. Off she stomps to her bedroom. I was tired of it. I wrote a quick note telling her I was going to stay the night with my boyfriend, and I'd be back in the morning after we cooled down.

 

Holy. ****. Srsly.

 

She called me in a screaming, crying rage. She had called my dad at work and told him that I was suicidal and that he needed to hurry home. She told me that she was going to dial 911. Lots of crying of "How could you do this to me?" and then the clincher:

 

"You just did this so you could go over there and put your legs up in the air like a SLUT." If I dared try to spend the night with my boyfriend, they would scream, threaten to break down his apartment door, report my car stolen (she did in fact remind me she would report my car stolen. In my parent's name at the time), etc.

 

That was the most unbelievable to me. Nothing in the letter indicated at all that I was suicidal.I had been depressed about paying off student loans, but you would think, "I'll be home in the morning..." would be a good indicator that I wasn't off to off myself.

 

Thanks for the hugs, RR.

 

The mind f*ck of it was---was that it wasn't said in anger, or with a raised voice---just matter-of-factly. As in --"this is where I stand...."

 

Oddly enough, I never cried over that as a kid (maybe I'd already instinctively learned to keep my emotions hidden--they weren't *allowed* after all) --but I'm just starting to understand how messed up that was, NOW, as an adult. This came from a woman who was invited to join Mensa, as she had a very high I.Q.---but couldn't grasp how saying something like that to her own child could be incredibly hurtful.

 

I realized by the time I was in 4th grade, that I was going to raise myself.

 

 

Even as an adult, I got the "why can't you be more like your sister/brother, blah-blah-blah---etc....." Needless to say--I didn't put a lot of energy into visiting my mother in her final years. She passed about 5 years ago, and the sad truth is that I don't miss her. I miss the mother I wish I could've had.

 

I struggle with feeling melancholy & slightly jealous, anytime I see a happy Disney-type family on t.v., or in real life. It makes me feel like I got short-changed.

 

I also struggle greatly with the third-party invalidation--it triggers me hugely.

(possibly from being continually invalidated as a child...)

 

When people spout off those platitudes like,

 

"They did the best they could"

 

"But she's your mother!!"

 

and my personal favorite,

 

"Get over it, already!"

 

And they look at me like *I'm* the jerk, for being angry.

 

The truth is---people raised in relatively "normal" households can't even begin to fathom how damaging long-term psychological abuse can be.

 

My heart goes out to you, too, River Running. Your mother claiming you were suicidal was WAY out of line. Really, it was a form of gaslighting--insinuating that *you* were the one with the "issues".

 

What a handy way to make you look bad to anyone else, who might step in and be supportive of you (most people will give *crazy* a wide berth)

AND-- once again milk others for sympathy about how "burdened she is , to have such a messed daughter.

 

Projection, anyone?

[dreamingoftigers]

I wouldn't anyway I'd get yelled at just for a change. I always get the you're selfish and spoilt even though I pay for everything myself. Why ate we made to feel bad for wanting to cut them off? Why does society think you have to still have a relationsip with your parents no matter how abusive? I can't stand that they're allowed to verbally abuse me but I'm not? When I asked then why they're so strict with me they always make Lame excuses your sheltered. I said then why did you bring me up that way in the first place? My parents would be happy if I was middle aged and never left home.

 

But, oh the burden you'd be!

 

"I have to do everything, take care of your lazy butt. Pay for everything. Entertain you! Why can't you be more like so-and-so! Why can't you get a better job!"

 

"wait, what? You got a better job and you are going to move out in a month!? You're just going to abandon the family and hurt your mother and the pet dog would yelp at midnight! You're so selfish. How is anything going to get done around here! It's not even that much better of a job! You'll never be able to support yourself! What if you get fired? And your place will be a mess because you're always working! Then when you get fired all you'll have is an eviction notice and a great big mess for me to clean up. So-and-so would never just abandon his mother! You'd better just stay here."

 

Ironically enough, if you were to end up in an intimate relationship with someone like this, everyone would tell you that they are abusive and to run for the hills. Cut them off completely.

 

Our society still has this "parents do no wrong, they just make mistakes sometimes and love always" mantra. It isn't true. Some parents are missing the basics of empathy and the world is their dumping ground.

 

And ironically enough, I'm sure everyone feels guilty for talking about their parents in this thread.

[Sugarkane]

Oh no not the we did the best we could line! Arrghhh. I am so glad that this thread was posted.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for the hugs, RR.

 

The mind f*ck of it was---was that it wasn't said in anger, or with a raised voice---just matter-of-factly. As in --"this is where I stand...."

 

Oddly enough, I never cried over that as a kid (maybe I'd already instinctively learned to keep my emotions hidden--they weren't *allowed* after all) --but I'm just starting to understand how messed up that was, NOW, as an adult. This came from a woman who was invited to join Mensa, as she had a very high I.Q.---but couldn't grasp how saying something like that to her own child could be incredibly hurtful.

 

I realized by the time I was in 4th grade, that I was going to raise myself.

 

Even as an adult, I got the "why can't you be more like your sister/brother, blah-blah-blah---etc....." Needless to say--I didn't put a lot of energy into visiting my mother in her final years. She passed about 5 years ago, and the sad truth is that I don't miss her. I miss the mother I wish I could've had.

 

I struggle with feeling melancholy & slightly jealous, anytime I see a happy Disney-type family on t.v., or in real life. It makes me feel like I got short-changed.

 

I also struggle greatly with the third-party invalidation--it triggers me hugely.

(possibly from being continually invalidated as a child...)

 

When people spout off those platitudes like,

 

"They did the best they could"

 

"But she's your mother!!"

 

and my personal favorite,

 

"Get over it, already!"

 

And they look at me like *I'm* the jerk, for being angry.

 

The truth is---people raised in relatively "normal" households can't even begin to fathom how damaging long-term psychological abuse can be.

 

My heart goes out to you, too, River Running. Your mother claiming you were suicidal was WAY out of line. Really, it was a form of gaslighting--insinuating that *you* were the one with the "issues".

 

What a handy way to make you look bad to anyone else, who might step in and be supportive of you (most people will give *crazy* a wide berth)

AND-- once again milk others for sympathy about how "burdened she is , to

have such a messed daughter.

 

Projection, anyone?

 

Arg!

 

Those are SO FRUSTRATING.

 

And yes, if you don't have a totally messed up beyond belief parent yourself YOU DON'T GET IT.

 

I hate "get over it" the worst!

 

If a man had spent 20 years in prison for a crime he didn't commit and was later found innocent and released no one would be like, "hey man, get over it!"

 

Growing up in a home like this is like spending a childhood in prison and then being released into the world with no basis of comparison.

 

You think and feel the whole world is like prison until you have enough experience and new data to confirm that it isn't and on top of it all, a lot of these idiot parents CRIPPLE your ability to make a living or have a relationship or go to school etc etc etc. So you have to learn these skills later. If you even figure out that something isn't working!

 

So how is one supposed to just magically "get over it."

 

I know being a bum helped somewhat for me, but I don't thinks that's a great rehab help for everyone.

[dreamingoftigers]

I can see it now: "$@&+ my NPD parent says" featuring "all their groupies."

 

And really how does anyone know they did "the best they could."

 

It's not like they made it to the parenting Olympics. And it's not like they treated everyone else this way. They knew to keep their mouths shut in front of certain people. Just not us. Why? Because we were "their kids." that meant they could drop their **** on us and we were supposed to take it. We were supposed to somehow understand that eons ago they got a raw deal and this somehow temporarily evens out their mood, or their righteousness or whatever.

 

Well, their best really sucked then.

[lemontwist]

Personality disorders are tough...

While NPD is certainly possible, the first thing I thought of when reading your post was that your mom is Borderline or has a dependent personality. Basically, relying too much on other people to meet one's own emotional and/or physical needs.

 

It sounds like she relies on you heavily... and also puts herself in a position to control you- controlling the aspects of your wedding, giving herself leverage by financing it, then trying to elicit pity/attention when she can't handle the stress of what she signed up for. She guilt trips you into driving all across creation for her.. because that will "prove" to her that you still love her. Does she behave like this with most people? People try to control things when deep down they feel scared and unworthy.

 

If she were truly narcissistic, I would expect more displays of inflated self-esteem and grandiose ideas. Instead of saying "I don't have the money for a hotel room", I imagine a true narcissist would say, "The distance to come see me shouldn't matter. I'm worth it."

 

Whatever her diagnosis... I think the only way you can deal with her is to set clear boundaries. Assure her you will always love her, but now you have your own roost to rule, which will naturally take some time and attention from her. Specify how frequently you would like to see each other, what the conditions/logistics will be, and stick with it.

 

Personality disorders are the hardest to treat, unfortunately. I read psych records all day, every day, and have yet to see anyone "cured" of any of the Cluster B/C traits. The people around them just have to find new and creative ways of dealing with the antics.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

Personality disorders are the hardest to treat, unfortunately. I read psych records all day, every day, and have yet to see anyone "cured" of any of the Cluster B/C traits. The people around them just have to find new and creative ways of dealing with the antics.

 

Have you read anything about someone with BPD going through EMDR and DBT or CBT. I know the DBT/CBT has not presented the promised results for many.

[capricorndreamgurl3]

Omg, I have a lot of those traits too!

 

I have been nervewracked about housework especially even though I ran a cleaning service for two years. I was always afraid that things were just never "good enough." OMG, I am the same way. I spend waaay too much time thinking about how clean the house is. I start feeling bad if I don't get all the laundry caught up. And another thing, when my hubby and I moved out of his parents' house (we had to live there awhile after my husband lost his job), my parents came to help us move out and a few days after we moved into our new home, my mom messages me on FB and makes sure my husband is still asleep and then she goes "Don't tell him I asked you this, but was his parent's house always that dirty when you guys lived there? Your father cried knowing you lived that way. You could have moved back here with us". Then she makes me erase the message and swear not to tell him just because she didn't want him to be hurt. If you were so scared of him being hurt, u should have kept it to yourself.

 

I also became a workaholic at 18. I would work insane shifts at multiple jobs. For a period there I was working 36 hours and then taking an 8 hour break. I'm surprised I didn't collapse. One time I fell asleep standing up with a full try of dishes. I cut down to two jobs. I have a few things my parents yammered about related to that. One time, my parents decided at the last minute to take me with them on a trip they had originally planned to go alone on. I couldn't let my teachers know in advance about it. So I get back, and I found out I missed an in-class assignment that I couldn't make up, so I eventually get a zero for it on my midterm. When my parents saw my midterm, my dad got outraged saying that the colleges would see it and not let me in and that I would have to end up working at Burger King the rest of my life while attending a community college (I personally don't see the problem with attending a community college and personally, I see that as an insult to people who do attend CC). That hurt me and I started isolating myself from friends and making friends just to make sure my grades were impeccable because I was afraid I wasn't going to get into college. Also, about three years ago, when I graduated from grad school, my parents got on my ass about not having a job right off the bat. It was around the time the economy started lagging. They told me that I at least should have tried to get a job at McDonalds. That really pissed me off because I was trying to get a job and I thought that they would be mad at me for just accepting a retail job.

 

Then I met a homeless guy that I later married and it sounds crazy (probably was completely crazy) but all of a sudden I didn't have to worry about all of these crazy expectations. We would make enough to live off of and take it easy. I travelled all over Canada and the US. I met a wonderful man too and he is trying every way he can to break me and make me more independent. My parent's hate it and see it as him trying to control me, but they have no word in the matter as they DO control me. My husband is only trying to BETTER me.

 

What was nice about it was that so many people and the world were completely different than what my parents made out like. They made it sound like the second I stepped out my front door I would be raped, kidnapped and thrown in a ditch just for looking at someone the wrong way. Exactly how mine were. They wouldn't let me have my own life because they were scared to let me out in what they thought was the big bad world.

 

The world has it's bad places and some people do very bad things, but overall it is nowhere near as abusive as the day to day in my parent's home. Whole I lived on the streets with my husband I was assaulted twice. Neither was really that bad compared to home where my Dad tried to strangle me and would tell me things like he'd never get caught because they'd never find me.I personally didn't have it that bad, except my parents always threatened to spank me and still say that they can even though I am an adult.

 

After 2 years, my husband and I normalized and decided to live a regular life. I found I learned a lot about people and kindness from being out there, in all sorts of areas. I am not afraid as much by far about not being good enough, because I was (I think) the worst I could be and it still wasn't that bad.He is teaching me to be way more trusting too.

 

But of course my father let me know that it migt just be too embarrassing for me to be in his community. Even though I never did anything in this city.

 

Personally, my Mom took a back seat in raising me. Neither one was really interested.

 

I am starting to think we all have the same parents. It breaks my heart reading all of your posts. I am beginning to think that my parents were a little more tame, but still hurtful and made me screwed up. I want to thank you all for being here for me and letting me vent on you guys and sharing your stories. You guys have given me a lot of hope today that I can overcome this .

[lemontwist]

Have you read anything about someone with BPD going through EMDR and DBT or CBT. I know the DBT/CBT has not presented the promised results for many.

 

I've seen EMDR work wonders in patients with PTSD (specifically- veterans), but I've personally never seen it used for BPD.

Due to the nature of my work, I deal with the more (overtly) disabling conditions- schizophrenia, organic brain disorders, MR, extreme cases of anxiety/affective disorders, etc. If I do get a someone with a severe personality disorder, they are rarely in treatment- they either deny they have an issue, are non-compliant/inconsistent with treatment, or are just too difficult for some clinicians to deal with.

For those who DO have insight into the condition, yes, I've seen CBT/DBT help.... but sadly, the benefit is relatively small for the amount of time and work involved.

 

In my experience, BPD seems to be the culmination of various learned behaviors and environmental factors... years of programming. There's not a pill for that. Meds/therapy may help regulate symptoms like anger, impulsivity, etc... but that can only help if you have the insight and awareness needed to seek treatment.

[capricorndreamgurl3]

That's the rub, right there---the facade of being the martyr, when they're actually the culprit. And they'll throw the people closest to them under the bus, just to maintain the victim image, and milk others for sympathy. (must be the center of attention at all times, at all costs)

 

It's true. Not long after my grandfather died, my grandmother wanted to go visit his grave. My mother got all pissed because she had to drive my grandmother there and she was all against getting off her butt to do it. Then she yammers on and on about how no one feels sorry for her and yet everyone tries to feel sorry for my grandmother. She acted like my grandmother asked for all the sympathy. My dad of course sided with her. I just sat there and rolled my eyes. I didn't give a damn whether people kissed my feet, I just wanted my grandpa back.'

 

She also gets mad that their dog wants nothing to do with her. However, when their dog DOES want attention, she screams at her and tells her to go lay down or go outside. She now wants her another dog that will pay attention to her and that she can love on. Can you say she acts as if she is a spoiled ass child? My God, this woman irks me.

Edited August 1, 2012 by capricorndreamgurl3

[capricorndreamgurl3]

But, oh the burden you'd be!

 

"I have to do everything, take care of your lazy butt. Pay for everything. Entertain you! Why can't you be more like so-and-so! Why can't you get a better job!" Oh do I have more stories about how simular you and I are. I was 18 and I still didn't have my license. My mom one day has a hissy fit on me saying that she does everything and that I should be getting my license. She also whined that I treat her like a slave. Oh I am sorry Mom that you yelled at me during your driving lessons and made me less confident to drive (btw, I have my license now in case you all are wondering). I am sorry that my teachers assign me assloads of homework every night and that I have to practice band 3 hours a day. I am soooooo sorry. Thing is I tried to help her too. She made me so mad.

 

"wait, what? You got a better job and you are going to move out in a month!? You're just going to abandon the family and hurt your mother and the pet dog would yelp at midnight! You're so selfish. How is anything going to get done around here! It's not even that much better of a job! You'll never be able to support yourself! What if you get fired? And your place will be a mess because you're always working! Then when you get fired all you'll have is an eviction notice and a great big mess for me to clean up. So-and-so would never just abandon his mother! You'd better just stay here."How often I have heard this? This is the reason that my parents wouldn't let me move out with my friend. They argued that I was messy and my friend would get pissed about how messy I was and we would stop being friends, just because of a bad roommate experience my father had. Just sigh

 

Ironically enough, if you were to end up in an intimate relationship with someone like this, everyone would tell you that they are abusive and to run for the hills. Cut them off completely.

 

Our society still has this "parents do no wrong, they just make mistakes sometimes and love always" mantra. It isn't true. Some parents are missing the basics of empathy and the world is their dumping ground.It's true. Just because they are your parents DOES not give them the right to treat you like dog crap

 

And ironically enough, I'm sure everyone feels guilty for talking about their parents in this thread.

 

I certainly do, but at the same time, I feel a lot better for doing so. One thing I learned that I need to start pleasing myself and NOT trying to make other ppl happy. You certainly cannot please my parents either way anyway.

[dreamingoftigers]

I've seen EMDR work wonders in patients with PTSD (specifically- veterans), but I've personally never seen it used for BPD.

Due to the nature of my work, I deal with the more (overtly) disabling conditions- schizophrenia, organic brain disorders, MR, extreme cases of anxiety/affective disorders, etc. If I do get a someone with a severe personality disorder, they are rarely in treatment- they either deny they have an issue, are non-compliant/inconsistent with treatment, or are just too difficult for some clinicians to deal with.

For those who DO have insight into the condition, yes, I've seen CBT/DBT help.... but sadly, the benefit is relatively small for the amount of time and work involved.

 

In my experience, BPD seems to be the culmination of various learned behaviors and environmental factors... years of programming. There's not a pill for that. Meds/therapy may help regulate symptoms like anger, impulsivity, etc... but that can only help if you have the insight and awareness needed to seek treatment.

 

Agreed. The discovery of EMDR/BPD was almost accidental. I had some EMDR after a major trauma. (the buzzer kind, not the hand wavy kind).

I noticed that the trauma came up and disappeared quickly in session, but then all of this stuff about my Dad came up. Afterwards I felt really, really good,like lighter almost.

 

I went back for another session and began realizing that pain wasn't affecting me the same way. I wasn't bombarded by memory fragments day in day out. I wasn't as scared of being left. I wasn't as angry etc etc etc. The suicidal urge which would underlay most of my feelings at the time evaporated. I haven't been suicidal in 8 years.

 

I found it easier to make cognitive adjustments after that.

 

I went for 8 sessions, I couldn't afford anymore.

 

I would like to go back for more. Truly, my Dad annoys me but nothing more. It doesn't feel like some mythic Greek punishment to be around him anymore.

 

He punishes himself with his pity parties enough for all of us.

 

But it makes sense that talk therapy or even cognitive wouldn't be an easy fix. Trauma is stored in the right lobe. The speech center is in the left. To access the right it either needs to be something creative like art or bilateral stimulation.

 

I read a TON about brain function and treatment as soon as I heard my parent's voices in my head. I was scared that I was schizophrenic.

[bluegreen]

So it happens to the best of us does it and one day we find our self"s amazed that we where so blind so stupid and did not see it before how come why where we to busy to afraid to big of cowards.

My own mom'e dear is man hater always has been always will be she can't stand a seeing even romantic scene on a movie without disgust on her face is she overly religious yeah right good joke.

 

Well unless she will benefit from it of course if spreading God's word or sneering racial insults about someone will earn her pat on a back watch out then she becomes a pro at giving people anything they desire to hear and do my whole life I been listening : What a total sweetie she is how can anyone just not adore her just typing this now makes my skin crawl cause I know what a hypocrite she is.

 

She controlled and ruined any relationship I had claimed my friends did not invite me out with them cause they did not really like me but it was her who threw hissing fit if anyone even tried soon I was avoided by everyone like a plague my friends had dates and boyfriends I had to sit with her at home humiliated beyond words but unable to do anything about it I truly despise her for so many things that would not ever fit on this page maybe if I wrote on a sky they would.

 

 

She killed herself ad least 20 times left home another 30 was lying about her health conditions for at least 3-4 years I begged and pleaded her to go to doctor just to have her sneer at me and put me down any chance she could was I maybe thinking am a doctor or maybe better then her she would scream and yell and throw stuff around if she did not get her way insult and emotionally blackmail for sport or to amuse herself.

 

 

 

What changed WELL I DID

one day when I fell in love with someone and she started "her act" again it was like suddenly something cleared up fog over my head or eyes.

I started fighting for my freedom and privacy told her right to her face over my dead body will her equally sick in a head family come to home am care taker and take over and boss me around fact that she pays for it could not interest me less.

 

I told her with no flinching start learning how to do things for you : paying bills going to grocery store making appointments and such she made a moron of herself on purpose so I would have to "take care of her" needs and wants for the rest of my life I told her that I saw trough her and that she disgust me

any respect I had for her she lost it forever.

 

Well you should have seen that howl she made she cut me to pieces with her insults she raged and attacked bellow the belt and I stood my ground up and matched her word for word like I never did before suddenly I was not afraid of that pathetic poor excuse fraud of human being I know she would love nothing best but to beat me to a ground but I told her just dare just do it once and rest of your miserable life will be spent in prison I assure you and she believed me.

 

 

 

 

 

Now am whore drug addict miserable daughter in her opinion you know what I don't give a **** about it I told her she who ran not went around block had nothing to say to me about being a whore If whore I am its maybe cause am my moms daughter.

Sad thing is it took me decade from 18 years old to today's date to see and realize this I lost so much time and again I despise her for one thing it now due to economy and cultural thing in which you don't leave old parent on their own even if you get married or once you grow up we lived together all this time but as I said even tough things stayed same she runs my name trough mud to anyone who cares to listen am standing my ground.

 

 

 

Not talking to her my private life is private for change who I date she has no control over is she starts I raise the roof and as soon as I finish my associate degree I will move out and told her that she could go and jump from the roof is she cares to am moving out and she won't get to stop me and better not even try.

She tries to k... my but now and I could see in her eyes that she fears me and hates my guts even person or two realized who she really is and clearly discovered what a fraud she was what a sweet day that was for me so after all of this wow I feel bit better but its going to take long long time for me to shake of "her" from my and under my skin another thing just one more for which I despise her.

 

 

 

If they pretend they don't know they cause harm if they pretend that WE are crazy ones if they abuse and cause harm get amnesia and not remember day they ripped us to pieces and why are we upset with them for crying out loud they are old senile ignorant we should actually pity them not turn our backs on them SEE THAT AS SIGN and start taking control of your life back.

They will never admit any wrongs never say sorry and never change if you can't leave for good take few dozen steps back at least and keep your eyes on them like you would on rattle snake never turn back and never trust them again with anything that could harm you they will use it and do it been there done that and can write book about it.

 

 

 

 

Sorry about such long post but maybe it will help someone else and is it sickness they have or they are just plain rotten inside who knows what someone told me once was :START thinking of YOU now and I started its long slow painful process hopefully I will manage to finish it and start living my life way I want it and deserve it ...

[dreamingoftigers]

Anyone heard this line:

 

"I don't remember that."

 

OR

 

"you're just making that up to make me look bad!"

 

Whenever you'd try to confront them about something abusive?

 

Like this post

[bluegreen]

DAILY I heard that daily and still hear it except I don't buy that b.... **** anymore

[capricorndreamgurl3]

Anyone heard this line:

 

"I don't remember that."

 

OR

 

"you're just making that up to make me look bad!"

 

Whenever you'd try to confront them about something abusive?

 

Like this post

 

This is I never confront them. I would rather just walk away.

[dreamingoftigers]

By the way,

 

I don't hear them in my head anymore since EMDR.

 

Agreed. The discovery of EMDR/BPD was almost accidental. I had some EMDR after a major trauma. (the buzzer kind, not the hand wavy kind).

I noticed that the trauma came up and disappeared quickly in session, but then all of this stuff about my Dad came up. Afterwards I felt really, really good,like lighter almost.

 

I went back for another session and began realizing that pain wasn't affecting me the same way. I wasn't bombarded by memory fragments day in day out. I wasn't as scared of being left. I wasn't as angry etc etc etc. The suicidal urge which would underlay most of my feelings at the time evaporated. I haven't been suicidal in 8 years.

 

I found it easier to make cognitive adjustments after that.

 

I went for 8 sessions, I couldn't afford anymore.

 

I would like to go back for more. Truly, my Dad annoys me but nothing more. It doesn't feel like some mythic Greek punishment to be around him anymore.

 

He punishes himself with his pity parties enough for all of us.

 

But it makes sense that talk therapy or even cognitive wouldn't be an easy fix. Trauma is stored in the right lobe. The speech center is in the left. To access the right it either needs to be something creative like art or bilateral stimulation.

 

I read a TON about brain function and treatment as soon as I heard my parent's voices in my head. I was scared that I was schizophrenic.

[bluegreen]

It takes time and effort and guts to confront them and well have different amount of them BUT not doing it to them its like hearing "go on keep" stomping them into ground they are letting us so why not ?