Consolidated discussion - Online dating

[tapped_out_in_tampa]

Here's what I know about you without reading your profile:

 

"You love to go to the beach and do anything that involves the water. You love spending time with your family and friends. You're the kind of girl that likes to get dressed up in heels sometimes, but you also like to stay home and watch movies on the couch." (Some version of this appears on 90% of all female profiles between the ages of 25-45).

 

You're looking for a "smart, easy going, funny guy that wants a long-term commitment." Here's what you don't say...You actually have an incredibly narrow set of criteria that almost no guy is going to fit. You don't want to put the time and effort into getting to know someone. If you respond to a guy, you will provide 1-2 word responses, won't initiate conversations, or ask questions in order to get to know someone.

 

If, magically, the guy doesn't lose interest in your magnetic personality, and you some how meet in person, you expect to be blown out of the water by sparks and chemistry on the first date. If you're not blown out of the water the first time you meet, you will likely lose interest immediately, not provide the guy with the courtesy of an explanation, and just leave him hanging.

 

What is going on out there? Why are there so many women that say the same things and act with these types of behaviors? Where's the individuality? Where are the women that take interest and are willing to put forth the effort get to know a guy?

[PegNosePete]

If you find her profile uninteresting, pass her by.

If she gives 1 or 2 word responses to messages, move onto the next.

If she doesn't take an interest, move on to someone else.

 

The frustration only comes when you try to get blood from a stone. If she's a stone, just move on, don't waste your time.

 

Simple really.

[fitnessfan365]

The problem with OLD is that it gives women so much more options than they used to have. Back in the day, a woman would work harder to maintain the interest of guys in her life because it was harder to meet people. But now, it's easy to move onto the next one because they're always getting emails. So it takes "the grass is always greener" mentality to a whole never level.

 

I mean think about it man. Let's say that you're inbox was filled with emails from 20 different women. You go out with one of them, and have a lukewarm date at best. Now how easy would it be just to move on and set up dates with a few of the other women you might wind up liking 10x more?

 

Now for what it's worth, I've never gone through what you've experienced. When I've used OLD, I get responses, numbers after a few emails, and meet up pretty quickly. However, I will say that I agree 200% that a lot of women's profiles SUCK. I mean as guys we're expected to have great ones right. However, like you say, it's the same generic boring write ups on most profiles..LOL But once again, it all comes back to women having so many options. Plus, they know that guys realistically care most about pictures initially. So why should they put a ton of effort into what isn't even read?

[Larryville]

The problem with OLD is that it gives women so much more options than they used to have. Back in the day, a woman would work harder to maintain the interest of guys in her life because it was harder to meet people. But now, it's easy to move onto the next one because they're always getting emails. So it takes "the grass is always greener" mentality to a whole never level.

 

they know that guys realistically care most about pictures initially. So why should they put a ton of effort into what isn't even read?

 

Yes, but the thing is even the marginal looking women get an attitude as well. Don’t even put any effort into the pics because there are dudes that just email every warm body in their age range.

A serious lack of creativity, no originality. But also a vast majority on ANY OLD site are not actually "looking" is just strictly for entertainment. Exactly why guys who are truly "looking" SHOULD read profiles, saves time and money and the personality of the pics should match the personality read in the profile.

[PegNosePete]

Plus, they know that guys realistically care most about pictures initially. So why should they put a ton of effort into what isn't even read?

What guys? I always read the profiles, and if I didn't like what I read, moved on.

 

They should put effort in because guys who judge on the pics alone are generally the hookup crowd that they are not trying to attract. Guys who are looking for an actual relationship DO read the text, and if they don't like what they read, they move on. If they want quality rather than quantity then they should create a well written, interesting, profile.

 

Sadly a lot of them don't realize this, put up a terrible profile,t hen complain they only ever get messages from guys looking for hookups. Well duh.

[insert_name]

If you find her profile uninteresting, pass her by.

If she gives 1 or 2 word responses to messages, move onto the next.

If she doesn't take an interest, move on to someone else.

 

The frustration only comes when you try to get blood from a stone. If she's a stone, just move on, don't waste your time.

 

Simple really.

 

The frustration comes when you realise that the only option is to get blood from a stone because they are ALL the same with cookie cutter profiles.

 

The worst thing about online dating is that whilst you can theoretically be drowning in profiles the pickings for quality women are slim indeed....and then you have to factor in that if you can tell she is a quality woman then so can everyone else with a dick within a 50 mile radius so you know the competition is going to be fierce and not worth your time to write a carefully crafted email.

 

Since giving up OLD I have been dateless but so much happier in myself The juice just ain't worth the squeeze trawling for dates online.

[tapped_out_in_tampa]

I like it IN. Thanks for sharing. I am fast approaching that point.

[Mjm1014]

Man I couldn't agree more with what you said.

 

I've been doing the whole online thing for years (I'd rather meet someone in person but my field is male dominated so I have little choice but to go to a bar or gym to meet one). It's been incredibly frustrating. I've been in long term relationships with two I met online but that was YEARS ago when online dating wasn't as big. Today, same deal you're explaining. Usually I'll get one-three dates with a girl then she's off talking to a new guy. One girl in particular seemed so interested in me on our date(s) but on the last date she would pull out her phone every five minutes and I caught her on the dating site when I was driving-I threw her to the curb (not literally) but it was really rude and a major turn off.

 

One thing that seems to work for me-try some of the dating sites that haven't really caught on yet. Bumble has been great lately and not too many people seem to know about it. I've had some success on there but I've been out of town for a month so I stopped trying on there but I did score a lot of dates with some nice women. Matter of time before that catches on more and the competition is through the roof though

[LookAtThisPOst]

Here's what I know about you without reading your profile:

 

"You love to go to the beach and do anything that involves the water. You love spending time with your family and friends. You're the kind of girl that likes to get dressed up in heels sometimes, but you also like to stay home and watch movies on the couch." (Some version of this appears on 90% of all female profiles between the ages of 25-45).

 

You're looking for a "smart, easy going, funny guy that wants a long-term commitment." Here's what you don't say...You actually have an incredibly narrow set of criteria that almost no guy is going to fit. You don't want to put the time and effort into getting to know someone. If you respond to a guy, you will provide 1-2 word responses, won't initiate conversations, or ask questions in order to get to know someone.

 

If, magically, the guy doesn't lose interest in your magnetic personality, and you some how meet in person, you expect to be blown out of the water by sparks and chemistry on the first date. If you're not blown out of the water the first time you meet, you will likely lose interest immediately, not provide the guy with the courtesy of an explanation, and just leave him hanging.

 

What is going on out there? Why are there so many women that say the same things and act with these types of behaviors? Where's the individuality? Where are the women that take interest and are willing to put forth the effort get to know a guy?

 

 

I think the evolution of the dating profile AND the initial email is due in part of the massive amount of emails women get.

 

Though these profiles mentioned are rather repetitive rhetoric with the, "I don't sweat the small stuff" to "I work hard, play hard." cliche's, it wouldn't completely stop me from contacting them.

 

Why? Because they may have more to say IF they even respond, and may have even something more interesting to say IF you wind up meeting face-to-face.

 

Another reason I have no qualms about contacting these cliche'd profiles? Because I USED to pass them over for profiles that DID mention specifics, looking out for key, buzz words that would indicate we're an 90% or higher match. Esp. when it came to the more obscure interests, beliefs, morals, etc.

 

I would set my sights on THOSE women, mention specifically in the email, notating our matching interests and even elaborating our the specifics of our interests,morals/values, etc....only to be ignored...TOO.

 

So if someone's profile is cliched'd or mentions specifics, turns out it's all moot...so, I wind up emailing women at random and the only ones I stay away from are the ones with bad attitudes, bitterness, and an axe to grind.

 

Chances are, after over a decade of the existence of online dating, men are likely behaving in the same pattern, not giving a crap about the the content of the profile...thus the pictures and thus the even more convenient Tinder apps where it's entirely looks focused and you only swipe left and right.

[Larryville]

One thing that seems to work for me-try some of the dating sites that haven't really caught on yet.

 

I just don’t fundamentally believe that any site make a ton of difference, because if you live in an area with X number of people there are only so many choices of “women” that are available to you.

 

The reason why dating sites make so much money is the belief that a give site has a “fresh batch” of people to choose from and they don’t, any humans in a given area will just recycle to other options if one site does not work out. For every one of an individual’s “desired traits” so many people get taken off your availability list. Height, weight, hair color, hair length, education, race, religion, hobbies, income, kids or no, every conceivable human wish list trait takes someone off of your availability list.

 

Every single one of us when we factor whatever those desired traits are have in a given region, search area have maybe what a few dozen options. Just because a site has 100,000 profiles of women mean that they are all available to YOU!

 

The same women/men are basically on all these sites, trying to win that human lottery. Also unfortunately we have no idea who just wants to hook-up, or truly wants something of quality.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Another thing that I find to be a trip is when people delegate IN their profiles how they want YOU to respond to them...

 

Example:

 

"Please play something substantial to me in your profile other than 'sup' or 'hey hottie'."

 

I've contacted these women, made mention of something about, "Here's an email of substance." and actually write up an email of substance only to be ignored.

 

THIS results in not writing an email of substance by some men because...men get tired of getting their "emails of substance" ignored.

 

Bait and switch on the receiver's part.

[Jacques on stage]

The sooner guys work out that, unless you're seriously good looking, OLD is a waste of time, the better. Without the revenue these sites would soon fold and things would even out a bit more.

 

People love to use evolutionary psychology to explain why good looking guys are more appealing and much is true. So it follows that the best evolutionary strategy for average looking guys is to try and sour the very medium that works against us. I think a lot of the reason behind the catfish phenomena is a (conscious or not) attempt to wreck the trustworthiness of the online dating process. It's a good strategy to follow. The more women give up on the online route, the more they have to rely on meeting guys face to face and the playing field levels up a little.

[PrettyEmily77]

OLD is only one avenue of many to get to meet people.

 

Yes, I know, time, technology, feminism, modern world, rural areas, not fair, shallowness, etc.

 

Still, plenty of people manage to meet their SOs in other ways than OLD. So if OLD doesn't work for you, try something else?

[Puglife]

Im a woman and I have the exact same problem so Its not a woman vs man thing.

[LookAtThisPOst]

The more women give up on the online route, the more they have to rely on meeting guys face to face and the playing field levels up a little.

 

Right, I've heard of women actually admitting to prefer online dating over in-person gatherings. When Yahoo Personals was popular back in the 90s and online dating wasn't quite as prominent, I knew of this woman that was on the site and was also a member of a large church that had a well-known singles ministry.

 

I had asked her, "Hey, I've been to that church's singles events, why not try them out?"

 

She said she did go to their events, but the men there she met weren't too her liking. She found them to be quite awkward and not attractive (to her)...she said she preferred online dating because it was a good way for her be in control who approaches her.

 

Being approached by a man at the refreshment table at a church function, esp. if she isn't attracted to him...was just to awkward for her. So she wound up going to church services, but just skipping out on the singles events altogether and going into the reclusiveness of online dating behind the computer screen.

[ChickiePops]

Another thing that I find to be a trip is when people delegate IN their profiles how they want YOU to respond to them...

 

Example:

 

"Please play something substantial to me in your profile other than 'sup' or 'hey hottie'."

 

I've contacted these women, made mention of something about, "Here's an email of substance." and actually write up an email of substance only to be ignored.

 

THIS results in not writing an email of substance by some men because...men get tired of getting their "emails of substance" ignored.

 

Bait and switch on the receiver's part.

 

Or...and I'm just spitballing here..maybe they don't like the substance you're providing.

 

I met my boyfriend on a dating site. So have many of my friends. It definitely happens, and frequently. Perhaps your profiles and/or messages leave something to be desired and that's why you're being ignored.

 

But no..despite the fact that YOU are the common denominator here and not women in general (because we are all exactly the same and we all want exactly the same things obviously), it can't possibly be your own fault that YOU can't meet someone.

 

Sigh. Honestly if you (and some of the other posters here) thought of us as individuals and not one seething mass of boobs and impossibly high standards, you might have some luck in the dating world.

[Kamille]

The problem with OLD is that it gives women so much more options than they used to have. Back in the day, a woman would work harder to maintain the interest of guys in her life because it was harder to meet people. But now, it's easy to move onto the next one because they're always getting emails. So it takes "the grass is always greener" mentality to a whole never level.

 

I mean think about it man. Let's say that you're inbox was filled with emails from 20 different women. You go out with one of them, and have a lukewarm date at best. Now how easy would it be just to move on and set up dates with a few of the other women you might wind up liking 10x more?

 

Now for what it's worth, I've never gone through what you've experienced. When I've used OLD, I get responses, numbers after a few emails, and meet up pretty quickly. However, I will say that I agree 200% that a lot of women's profiles SUCK. I mean as guys we're expected to have great ones right. However, like you say, it's the same generic boring write ups on most profiles..LOL But once again, it all comes back to women having so many options. Plus, they know that guys realistically care most about pictures initially. So why should they put a ton of effort into what isn't even read?

 

Right. But think about it this way: OLD is a filter more than a dating site. In the past I would only meet men through my networks, which meant I already shared a bit in common with them. It was easier to weed out the men to whom I felt no attraction, the ones with whom I had no affinity, the ones who's lifestyle did not mesh with mine. On OLD, most men write to me because they think I look cute. Sure, they'll address my profile, but come to meet in person, I often find out we have very little in common.

 

As for the stats: do you write to every single woman on OLD or do you select who you will write? In all likelihood, you select. I do too - only, I mostly select on the messages I get. But all in all, both men and women get to select who they engage with. It often seems to me that this gets lost on these rants about "the women of OLD".

 

Also, and this should not have to be said: I respond when I'm interested. If the exchange confirms my first impression great. If the date goes well, I will see him again. If at any time I see I would not be able to sustain long term attraction to my date (99% of cases so far), I end the relationship. I do all that because guess what: dating is 50-50 and I get to decide who I let into my life.

 

The problem with OLD isn't women. It's also straight men believing that just because they think we have something in common, I should think so too. It's them taking offense at me acting exactly the same way they do (selecting). It's warped expectations on both sides of the heterosexual gender divide that is up with OLD.

 

Final vent: women are not miserable. We are not victims of our capacity to choose. We are not misguided. We don't need to be taught a lesson. Anyone who thinks so needs to get over themselves.

[Jacques on stage]

OLD is only one avenue of many to get to meet people.

 

Yes, I know, time, technology, feminism, modern world, rural areas, not fair, shallowness, etc.

 

Still, plenty of people manage to meet their SOs in other ways than OLD. So if OLD doesn't work for you, try something else?

 

Because virtually every single woman you meet nowadays is online dating. The mentality remains. The best strategy is to attempt to subvert the trustworthiness of the medium itself. It's a wonderful counter-strategy to the fact that online dating has severely changed the landscape for a lot of men. I've cat fished a lot lately and i've got quite a few women to delete their account in exasperation.

[PrettyEmily77]

Because virtually every single woman you meet nowadays is online dating. The mentality remains. The best strategy is to attempt to subvert the trustworthiness of the medium itself. It's a wonderful counter-strategy to the fact that online dating has severely changed the landscape for a lot of men. I've cat fished a lot lately and i've got quite a few women to delete their account in exasperation.

 

I've never done OLD, and neither have plenty of women I know nor my SO (we met at a friend's house, boringly), and I also know it's worked successfully for plenty of couples so I don't know what mentality you're talking about.

 

I didn't get any of the bolded part, sorry.

[insert_name]

Or...and I'm just spitballing here..maybe they don't like the substance you're providing.

 

I met my boyfriend on a dating site. So have many of my friends. It definitely happens, and frequently. Perhaps your profiles and/or messages leave something to be desired and that's why you're being ignored.

 

But no..despite the fact that YOU are the common denominator here and not women in general (because we are all exactly the same and we all want exactly the same things obviously), it can't possibly be your own fault that YOU can't meet someone.

 

Sigh. Honestly if you (and some of the other posters here) thought of us as individuals and not one seething mass of boobs and impossibly high standards, you might have some luck in the dating world.

 

Problem is when the female profiles convey very little originality it is hard not to see you all as one seething mass of boobs and impossibly high standards.

 

Us guys are forced by the system to spend hours reviewing and psychologically profiling everything we right on our profile to ensure we maximise our chance of a return. Women just have to bang up 'I am as comfortable in a dress as I am in sweat pants!!1' or some variation thereof and watch the offers of marriage come rolling in.

 

In online dating the house ALWAYS wins, you can all draw your own interpretation of who the house is.

[Jacques on stage]

I've never done OLD, and neither have plenty of women I know nor my SO (we met at a friend's house, boringly), and I also know it's worked successfully for plenty of couples so I don't know what mentality you're talking about.

 

I didn't get any of the bolded part, sorry.

 

I create fake profiles with good looking men as my photo then waste women's time. It's pretty funny to see a woman fall for nothing more than a pretty picture. Especially the ones who are looking for 'a nice, kind man to make me laugh'.

[PrettyEmily77]

I create fake profiles with good looking men as my photo then waste women's time. It's pretty funny to see a woman fall for nothing more than a pretty picture. Especially the ones who are looking for 'a nice, kind man to make me laugh'.

 

Ok. Isn't that totally counter-productive, though?

[mrldii]

...I've cat fished a lot lately and i've got quite a few women to delete their account in exasperation.

 

What an odd thing to openly admit.

 

 

As a couple of other posters have pointed out, we women are allowed to be as initially attracted to men, as they are to us. Personally, A quality which is very important to me in a potential (and lasting) mate is "integrity".

 

Online, as in the real world, it is amazing how quickly - and effectively - many will reveal they have none.

 

 

 

As to the original topic: OP, if OLD isn't working for you - for real or imagined reasons and/or legit or completely-fabricated rationales - simply stop utilizing it; return to that which has successfully worked for you.

 

If nothing has ever worked...well, then...the problem just might not be with the medium or the target,

 

yanno?

[Kamille]

I create fake profiles with good looking men as my photo then waste women's time. It's pretty funny to see a woman fall for nothing more than a pretty picture. Especially the ones who are looking for 'a nice, kind man to make me laugh'.

 

Oh yes. Catfishers are definitely part of the problem with OLD . You know, dishonesty, lack of integrity, etc. I assume people of all genders and orientations do it, but it certainly makes for a hostile, distrustful environment doesn't it?

 

Not to mention, those women "wasting their time" on catfishers are spending less time getting to know real men.

[Larryville]

As for the stats: do you write to every single woman on OLD or do you select who you will write? In all likelihood, you select. I do too - only, I mostly select on the messages I get. But all in all, both men and women get to select who they engage with. It often seems to me that this gets lost on these rants about "the women of OLD".

 

Is true, and yes while I have been frustrated at times, if I really took a close look at all of my OLD engagements I have only been seriously disappointed in ONE person ever. Things did not work out, but because I do actually read profiles and I have a very good sense of not only who I think I might be interested in but also who would be generally interested in me. I don't oversell, I don't go after women who are lets say beyond my reach maybe looks wise, or income or whatever. Bottom line for me is I don't want my time wasted and I truly don't want to waste anyone elses's time either.