I'm currently not speaking to my mother

[SpiralOut]

UPDATE

 

I am now at my parents house. I'm logged into the internet because things are extremely tense. I saw some friends this morning but I said nothing to them about it. I don't see them often and I'd rather not act all depressing.

 

My mother has a point of view that I strongly disagree with. She is very judgmental of others. It offends me, some of the stuff she says. Both myself and my father try to politely explain a more positive point of view, as a way of disagreeing/correcting her but it just goes over her head.

 

I think the hardest thing is seeing the contempt my father obviously has for my mother. This whole situation is very depressing. They aren't likely to ever separate or divorce, as far as I can tell, but who knows. I am very close to my father so it upsets me to see him in this situation. I wonder why he stays if he thinks so little of her.

 

I'm having trouble being friendly with her. We are polite and that's about it with each other. She does things like explains to me how the shower curtain works, tries to control what I do with my suitcase in the guest room, or takes away a mug I was about to use, removing the teabag that I had put into it, because "that's your dads mug and it's very special so you can't use that sorry." Okay then. Passive-aggressive much? I could have said something but chose to let that go.

 

Or she'll say weird things to me or about me. My brother asked me what's new with me. I said oh not much really. My mother started talking about oh just go to work, come home, watch tv, eat dinner, go to bed. It was quite insulting actually. But that's not what I do so I said "umm I don't do that." Then my father corrected her and said "and she also goes to yoga class. . ." as a way to try and stand up for me and also save her from the foot she put in her mouth. She just said "oh I don't do that anymore."

 

 

So somehow in her head the conversation became all about her not me. It was very strange. Very very odd. It actually reminds me of someone else I know who used to act that way towards me.

 

She also did some other things that I didn't appreciate. I dealt with it by calmly asking her what did you mean by the comment. Or I would just correct her without really thinking.

 

I'm only here for another day and a half. I won't see much of her thankfully. This is just sooo depressing. I don't feel comfortable at all. When the four of us went out to dinner it was very tense and quiet. The three of us just exchanged significant glances at each other each time she said something rude. My brother was the nicest to her. I guess he doesn't get as much of her crap.

 

Anyway, I'm just venting. I can see that I made a mistake in staying at their house. Next time I will see if my brother might let me stay with him instead.

[bluegreen]

Narcissistic selfish self centered she bitch

doll you should not have even bothered going and that story about "you" when you where young IT WAS NOT YOU she was talking about herself I can bet my last dollar on it they never admit their faults never see anything wrong with their behavior and its always people who talk about "us" never them.

 

She can't deal and refuses to deal with ugliness inside her so she projects that ugliness on to you knowing that you won't stand up to her and tell her f... of you hag I had enough and I know you for who you really are its YOU we all know it someone just are afraid some don't care to enough to say it but it has always been YOU.

 

Now you gonna have to have balls of steel to do this and not back off an inch

and trust me s... is going to hit a fan but once you do it you will feel more free more confident more empowered s... everyone else think of you let neighbors talk let friends look at you strange let pastor preach forgiveness they have not been THERE you where.

 

 

Call write or visit those you do love when you can

Her ?

Well her who : ))) right ?

[SpiralOut]

Narcissistic selfish self centered she bitch

doll you should not have even bothered going and that story about "you" when you where young IT WAS NOT YOU she was talking about herself I can bet my last dollar on it they never admit their faults never see anything wrong with their behavior and its always people who talk about "us" never them.

 

She can't deal and refuses to deal with ugliness inside her so she projects that ugliness on to you knowing that you won't stand up to her and tell her f... of you hag I had enough and I know you for who you really are its YOU we all know it someone just are afraid some don't care to enough to say it but it has always been YOU.

 

 

I think you might be right. I have dealt with someone earlier this year who projected herself onto me and my mother is acting in many of the same ways. I've just allowed it more easily with her because I'm so used to it, also, she is family.

 

She obviously has bigger issues than I realized. It scares me and makes me feel sad. Right now I cannot handle being around her. This probably sounds really sick but I suspect that she is jealous of the good relationship that I have with my father.

 

I'm visiting in a couple of weeks but I am going to call my brother to see if he will let me stay with him at his place. I have a funny feeling he sees some of what is happening.

 

I will update in a few weeks after my visit.

[SpiralOut]

Oh yeah I forgot to mention that she offered to give me something. I said no thank you. She explained why I should have it. I told her no thank you, I don't want to bring it home with me only to just throw it into the garbage.

 

The day I left, I re-organized my suitcase and found it in my suitcase. She had hidden it under some of my clothes. This pisses me off because

a) I told her I did not want it and

b) it's rude to touch my suitcase. those are my personal belongings.

 

I wasn't able to say anything since she wasn't home when I left. I just took it out and set it on the table. I really don't care if she feels offended when she sees it. I want her to know I'm not putting up with her crap.

 

She reminds me of this other woman who gave me problems earlier this year. She would do things like offer to pay for my dinner, I would say no, and she would do it anyway without caring how uncomfortable she was making me feel. I never was able to understand why people do that.

 

Okay, I just had to get that out of my system. I don't even want to see her next weekend but I told my friends I was coming down to visit and I want to see them. I don't know how to even talk to her. I can hardly look at her. She reminds me of the woman who bullied the **** out of me earlier this year and that's not good.

Edited September 28, 2012 by SpiralOut

[It's Just Me]

Since I last posted a comment here, I came across another thread about borderline personality disorder in mothers... and mine fit the bill very much to a T. I then joined another website called bpdfamily.com, and it was a complete OMG moment. My mother doesn't understand boundaries, views the world as completely centred around herself, has no friends, always creates conflict/drama wherever she goes (has never held down a job for more than 6 months), plays the 'oh poor me' card when things don't go her way... the list goes on and on. Classic BPD.

 

After having read more, I realized that THIS was her problem, not booze. Booze is her way of self-medicating. Once I understood that, my frustration just melted away, and I got on with going completely NC and tackled understanding what's called Medium Chill when you do have to interact (which is now a rare occasion for me, but it's helpful nonetheless).

 

Unfortunately, having been raised by someone so selfish creates issues in childhood and then in adulthood. I have an automatic guilt complex that kicks in whenever I feel bad juju in a situation. I am hypersensitive to others' moods, to the point where I can almost go into a meltdown/shutdown if another person goes ballistic/high anxiety. I dread big home gatherings of any kind. In the past, when my parents hosted Christmas or Thanksgiving, there would inevitably be the passive-aggressive slamming of doors, pots and pans and heavy drinking, with the usual accusatory "I do everything and nobody does anything to help" speeches during the prepping of the house in advance of the arrival of guests.

 

I could go on and on, but... suffice to say that some women really shouldn't procreate. Ever. And, the "ability" to get knocked up and have a child doesn't give you the right to belittle and humiliate that child, all in the name of motherhood. Moms should be supportive mentors offering guidance when asked - not controlling, judgemental idiots with no handle on their own lives and relationships.

Edited September 28, 2012 by It's Just Me

[SpiralOut]

So I visited for the weekend. Stayed with my brother. The parents both acted happy about that but who knows if they were being honest or not.

 

I hardly spoke with her when we went over for dinner. She was trying. It all felt wrong to me. Conversation with the family was strained and boring. How do I converse with these people about what type of car she is choosing, or stuff happening with people I haven't met or just don't talk to, blah blah. I had absolutely nothing at all to add to the conversation. After sitting there for a good 20 minutes in the living room drinking coffee, feeling like I had nothing in common at all with anyone, I had to leave the room.

 

Later on she said a bunch of stuff about people with asperger's. She spoke about that last time I was up. She goes on and on and on. I don't like the attitude she has towards people who have it. I don't like the way she brought up other types of mental illness. I studied that stuff in school for years and I don't talk about that. She does. It seems wrong.

 

Maybe it bothers me because of the way I've been judged most of my life by people thinking something must be wrong with me when nothing is. I don't like how she judges other people for the choices in life they make. It makes me feel judged. What must she think of me, then?

 

I don't even want to go back for Christmas but I think skipping that would be too offensive right now. I felt really sad the whole time I was in town. I used to always be happy to see my family but now I hate it. And I feel so guilty for that.

 

After having read more, I realized that THIS was her problem, not booze. Booze is her way of self-medicating. Once I understood that, my frustration just melted away, and I got on with going completely NC and tackled understanding what's called Medium Chill when you do have to interact (which is now a rare occasion for me, but it's helpful nonetheless).

I'll have to look into the Medium Chill thing. Right now I feel like I am an ice queen.

 

In the past' date=' when my parents hosted Christmas or Thanksgiving, there would inevitably be the passive-aggressive slamming of doors, pots and pans and heavy drinking, with the usual accusatory "I do everything and nobody does anything to help" speeches during the prepping of the house in advance of the arrival of guests. [/quote']

I grew up with lots of that. Lots of banging, slamming, stomping upon arriving home. Then lots of complaining about a single dish that wasn't cleaned, or a blanket that was thrown onto the couch instead of folded. This was after I had spent an hour or two cleaning things up after school so I wouldn't have to listen to my mother complain like that, but she always found something wrong. And she would talk loudly enough that I could hear her from the basement. I hated that moment when she came home from work and complained that everyone was incompetent except her.

[SpiralOut]

We spoke on the phone the other day and it was going okay until the end of it when she made some comments I really didn't like.

 

She has this preoccupation with Asperger's syndrome. She likes to try and diagnose people with it, both fictional and real-life. I don't mind so much the fictional (eg. whats his name from big bang theory) except I guess for the fact that she's so fixated on it. When she says that about people in real life it pisses me off.

 

Both myself and my father have shown discomfort when she talks that way but she either doesn't notice or doesn't care. When she does this is makes me not want to talk to her. I'm trying to decide what I should say to her next time this happens. I think she is being very insensitive. After all, I grew up dealing with people wondering if something is wrong with me just because I'm introverted. Herself included! She knows about that, I mean she has mentioned it so many times.

 

I'm starting to wonder if SHE has some disability or illness.

[SpiralOut]

I need ideas/support on how to deal with her at Christmas. I don't care that it's a special holiday, blahblah. If she says something offensive again I am going to call her out on it. That's going to rock the boat for sure. The only person who ever tries to call her out on something is my father and she blatantly ignores him. What the hell is wrong with her that she doesn't care if she's offending other people? I don't understand what's wrong with her.

 

Do you think my control-freak mother could be part of the reason I have trouble standing up for myself? Should I go into therapy or something?

I feel like my whole life I have overlooked nasty things she has said or done and now I am letting myself remembering it all and I'm realizing just how much resentment I have towards her.

[SheSux]

Hi SpiralOut,

 

Never mind the smoke about 'getting over' things that make you cringe and just want to live under a bridge and never come back out; that response to you and your stress is unbelievably unfair.

 

Sadly, you have more friends on here that can relate than not.

 

Have you done any research on Adult Children of Narcissists? You'll find a lot of resources there . . . it gave me alot of insight.

 

How are we so loved when our feelings are insignificant? My dear BroodMare told me she would talk to me anyway she wished, and I was just supposed to take it, so to speak.

 

I don't understand all this value placed on a system that brings more pain than anything else. I salute anyone that can take care of hateful, evil-lobbing parents, but really, ultimately at what cost? I find I don't even understand the meaning of family anymore. Why is all the nasty negativity okay? And the dishonesty that often accompanies it? When the members of the family aren't there for someone who may legitimately need support, what *is* the point?

 

Distancing happened almost easily for me. I remember when I finally moved away from home, I used to make a point to call home every week. At some point, I began noticing, she never called me. Really? I began slacking off the phone calls, just to see if she'd notice, and maybe call. Not so much. Made it *real* easy for the calls to peter out to maybe once a month. We were never all that close, but this has puzzled me to this day, several decades later.

[Mittens]

I don't understand all this value placed on a system that brings more pain than anything else. I salute anyone that can take care of hateful, evil-lobbing parents, but really, ultimately at what cost? I find I don't even understand the meaning of family anymore. Why is all the nasty negativity okay? And the dishonesty that often accompanies it? When the members of the family aren't there for someone who may legitimately need support, what *is* the point?

 

Distancing happened almost easily for me. I remember when I finally moved away from home, I used to make a point to call home every week. At some point, I began noticing, she never called me. Really? I began slacking off the phone calls, just to see if she'd notice, and maybe call. Not so much. Made it *real* easy for the calls to peter out to maybe once a month. We were never all that close, but this has puzzled me to this day, several decades later.

 

I can relate to all that you posted, I've felt the same way for quite awhile now. I really cannot see the point of 'family' either...I know I shock my fiance (close to his family) with some of the things I say about mine.

 

Ever since I could remember, my mother had a very fractious relationship with her own mother, brothers and sisters. My grandmother was a past master at playing them all off against each other...and there were 9 children for her to do it with! The drama was so ridiculous...and once I got to my late teens, I used to annoy her when she was whinging about it by saying 'why engage, why not just reduce contact with them all, make it clear that you will only see them if they aren't going to drag you into the drama?'

 

Her inability to do so just confirmed to me that she enjoyed it all. Sadly, she is now in her early 70s and is virtually a carbon copy of her mother. Like you say in your last paragraph, I've cut down contact to the bare minimum. I even moved 17,000 miles away to facilitate it. In the last decade, I've seen her for the total of 3 months.

 

Spiralout, I can understand resentment. What has surprised me is that mine seems to have gotten worse over the last few years. I'm now 45 and angrier with both my parents than I was in my 20s. I'm going into therapy because I don't want to be this angry anymore.

Edited December 11, 2012 by Mittens

[SpiralOut]

I never thought to look into narcissism. I did a quick google of it, and some of it fits. I don't think I can objectively say if she is a narcissist or not.

 

I need to get a few other things off my chest. I have this deep-seated fear of people pretending to like me when they actually don't. I wonder sometimes if that comes from the way my mother acts towards me. Some of the stuff she says and does is very catty. But then she tries to be nice to me by giving me things. I think I've tricked myself most of my life into thinking that she is nice to me when she isn't.

 

For example I had a boyfriend come up with me to visit them one time. He told me he liked my hair. My mother turned to him and said "you do?? really?? you like her hair???" She went on and on like that, unable to believe that my boyfriend liked my hair. I was standing right there. I said something like "gee thanks" and she didn't respond to that. I mentioned it to my best friend later when she met up with us and her immediate response was to say how mean she thought it was. I had already convinced myself that it wasn't that big of a deal, but, maybe it was.

 

And she's told me things that other people told her and asked her not to tell, but she'll tell me anyway. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Next time I will call her out on it. I mean for gods sake, she told me about something that happened to my 19 year old cousin overseas, that was supposed to be kept private, because she wanted me to understand that "these things do happen!" (she was drugged at a bar). It appalled me that she told me that. If I were my cousin, I would be so upset to know that story was being spread around the family. And furthermore, I am not stupid. I moved away from home 8 years ago. I'm pretty sure I know the world is a bad place. I've had enough sh***y things happen already and seen it happen to friends. But of course she doesn't know that I know anything because I don't TELL her about it because I don't trust her to keep her mouth shut.

 

I often feel that she tries to connect with me by giving me things or showing me stuff that she's bought. I understand that's normal in certain amounts, but that's ALL she really does, is shop and decorate. I think she's materialistic. Both my brother and I are struggling financially but when we go over to visit she shows us the fancy new this or that that she bought. I'm not jealous exactly but I don't know what she's thinking, showing this off to us for. I don't even have enough money to buy myself new boots right now and she's showing off the yuppy stuff that she buys.

 

I'm thinking about a way to connect with her better. I would like to have a relationship of some sort before she passes away. We went to lunch one time and had nothing to talk about. We don't have much in common. She's the type who likes to go shopping and socialize. I'm the type who likes to do artistic or athletic activities. She has made it VERY clear that she doesn't understand my mindset. I love her but I don't know if I like her.

 

Ughh. I'm just feeling stressed out that I'll be seeing her soon. I needed to vent some of that out.

Edited December 13, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I think she may have lied about me again.

 

I spoke to my father and he wasn't sure if I would even be there at all for Christmas. My mother told him that I might not be.

 

I NEVER said that I wouldn't be there for Christmas. I said I may have to work the day before, but that only affects WHICH day I go down, not whether or not I visit at all! She didn't even bother to ask!! She just assumed. Why would she do that? Just because I work the day before, doesn't mean that I can't take the bus home in the evening. Is she secretly hoping that I won't bother to visit? Because that's what it feels like. Kinda like how she didn't really want me coming up for mother's day so she lied to my grandmother about why I wasn't there.

 

That's fine if she feels that way but I don't think it's right for her to say misleading things to other family members.

[SheSux]

Hang in there, SpiralOut. None of this nonsense is fair, and I certainlyfeel your stress.

 

The more I thought back over some of the responses to you, like from acurrent mother who so able to take on the responsibility of her possibly abusive parents; more power to her. The damage to us from someone else's mental disturbance doesn't make us lesser people. When I read other peoples' stories about parental narcissism they've encountered, and along with the Golden Child syndrome (which I'm just starting to see with my younger, "perfect" sister), I always see some new insight, and its always devastating.

 

Wrong is wrong, and because the perpetrators are your parents doesn’t excuse it. While mymother wasn’t harshly abusive, she did some devastating things to me in my youth that were ridiculous. Beyond that,I’ve watched her do this same garbage to her grandkids. Really? Sadly, my memory is that she was great when my sister and I were small,but man, as soon as I was the age of maturity, I don’t know what happened. I wasn’t promiscuous, but my sexuality seemedto be some sort of huge problem to her.

 

Funny these things I think we have in common. I had a perfectly good fiancé when I was 19. She stuck her nose in our private letters, and you would have thought I was the biggest slut since The Scarlet Letter. Announcing as much my family WITH my dad present. Really? Thanks. I imagine this is why I don’t have much of a bond with my sister to thisday. And funny, I think I also was a love child for my parents . . .

 

Mine doesn’t trust me with anything either, even the smallest of things. I have certain experience in particular areas, but that doesn’t matter. The lack of trust thing stinks to outerspace. When one tries and tries andtries, and it never gets better, it is especially egregious to hear somebody else’s “nicer”? mother tell us to “get over it.”

Edited December 18, 2012 by SheSux
html showed up/formatting

[SpiralOut]

Christmas was okay. She inadvertantly offended me a couple of times and I didn't respond very well to it. I wish that I would have handled it better, but at least I didn't pretend that everything was fine.

 

I don't think she understands my lifestyle at all. I think she sometimes expects me to be happy about something just because she is too. I feel like she sometiems forgets that we are different people. The most glaring example of that is a gift she gave me that offended me. It was something that was obviously expensive and serves no practical use. It was one of those hoity-toity, yuppie things that I can't use without looking like a pretentious ass.hole. Maybe if I made an extra $30,000 more per year than I currently earn (I am not well off...) I could use it without looking like a douchebag, but even then I probably wouldn't. She was acting excited about it while explaining what it is and how to use it. I think she was expecting me to act excited too but I just sat there in absolute shock.

 

It reminds me of a story someone told me about my rich great grandmother giving a fur coat to my grandmother even though she and her husband barely made enough money to feed themselves. Okay that's not the exact same thing, but similar idea.

 

I find it very difficult to get my mother interested or talking about anything besides gossip or things she has bought (or wants to buy). I tried harder this time to talk to her but it was so boring. I had to stand there acting impressed while she paraded material objects in front of me that she has recently bought. Seriously, that's the most exciting thing you've done lately? Bought something? I don't know. I don't know what to say to her when she does that.

Edited December 27, 2012 by SpiralOut

[Sugarkane]

SpiralOut I can relate. My dad also has beliefs that I strongly disagree with. He is extremely judgemental. I think he's a hypocrite.

[SpiralOut]

SpiralOut I can relate. My dad also has beliefs that I strongly disagree with. He is extremely judgemental. I think he's a hypocrite.

 

Yeah I guess that's what's happening. I don't agree with her values. It offends me when she presumes that mine are the same.

 

I spent too many years trying to live up to her expectations of how she thinks a person should live. It was all wrong. I am more like my brother and father than like her. I almost feel bad for her. She's very different from the three of us.

[whichwayisup]

Learn to laugh it off and detach from her. You are a good person and you work hard. You don't need her approval.. I know how you feel, things are always up and down with my mom..That's a whole other thread (or PM) for another time.. All I can say is, what's helped me is detaching and learning to put me first and not worry too much about what my mom says or does. She has issues that have NOTHING to do with me and sometimes she feels the need to dump on me, try to control us all. I do my best to ignore her, and not react. most of the time it works, sometimes I call her on her bullcrap, other times I let it go as she is who she is and she ain't gonna change! All I can is change my own behaviour and deal with her better (meaning, ignore and not react, laugh it off and pick my battles) and not let her get to me. It is hard though! I won't lie..

[MissSantana99]

First of all, it pisses me off to see so many posts on here about how she should just "get over it". Like she is supposed to just sweep it all under the rug and pretend it has never happened, right? Let me tell you something, both of my parents have done all they can to completely damage my self-esteem throughout my life and even at 27, they still do. As I have said in an earlier post, I was diagnosed with autism at a young age and I was always so nervous to talk to kids my age and because I didn't have any friends, my parents called me a snob and told me I was too lazy to make friends. Also, they have called me other various names such as a dumbass, fat, and have told me repeatedly that I need a makeover. And after years of that kind of crap, I am told to just "get over it"? Really?

 

I have parents like this and I am struggling right now about whether I should just forgive them and move on or cut them out of my life. If you feel that she is causing you pain in your life, please cut her off. It will save you so much grief. Just because your mom could conceive you and pop you out doesn't qualify her to be a good mom. A good mom is one who respects their child and who also doesn't treat their child like crap. Sadly, if you aren't being beaten by your parents, you aren't being abused. There are so many other ways to abuse a child than just beating them up. So babe, stay strong and do what you feel like you need to do. Don't let other people get to you. They don't understand.

[SpiralOut]

Learn to laugh it off and detach from her. You are a good person and you work hard. You don't need her approval.. I know how you feel, things are always up and down with my mom..That's a whole other thread (or PM) for another time.. All I can say is, what's helped me is detaching and learning to put me first and not worry too much about what my mom says or does. She has issues that have NOTHING to do with me and sometimes she feels the need to dump on me, try to control us all...

 

Yeah I'm trying to not let her bother me too much. I am now realizing the way that she looks at me and I really don't like it. I feel shocked. I feel like she is looking down on me and wanting to raise me up to the level she thinks I should be at. Which in a way, it's good that she wants good things for me. But maybe I'm okay the way I am. Maybe I don't care about having the type of fancy lifestyle she seems to want me to have. I often feel like she tries to do things for me that I would rather do for myself. I've had arguments with her regarding things like, patio furniture she wanted to give me even though I told her over and over I don't want that, I don't want that. Made me feel like she was trying to control what my apartment looks like!!

 

 

I was diagnosed with autism at a young age and I was always so nervous to talk to kids my age and because I didn't have any friends, my parents called me a snob Just because your mom could conceive you and pop you out doesn't qualify her to be a good mom. A good mom is one who respects their child and who also doesn't treat their child like crap. Sadly, if you aren't being beaten by your parents, you aren't being abused. There are so many other ways to abuse a child than just beating them up. So babe, stay strong and do what you feel like you need to do. Don't let other people get to you. They don't understand.

 

That's terrible, I'm sorry you went through that. Yeah some people are just ignorant.

[MissSantana99]

That's terrible, I'm sorry you went through that. Yeah some people are just ignorant.

 

That's okay. The terrible thing is I thought that this was normal. I thought that if I had watched my weight or got out and made friends, they wouldn't have done this to me. However, I met a dear friend who showed me that this crap wasn't normal. Just don't let these people get to you. They haven't walked in you shoes nor lived your life. Only you know how your relationship is with your mom. I wish you the best of luck.

[SpiralOut]

thanks miss santana...

 

my mother, as I've mentioned, made all these comments about how something is wrong with me socially. Yet when I was younger she would say no a lot of the time to me being with friends on the weekends. I had good grades in school, was a well-behaved kid. Her excuse was not wanting me to get tired. So she restricted which nights I could go out. I could go out on friday or saturday but not both. I was athletic, high energy so that was odd. Again when i was a teenager she would try to stop me (but couldn't by this time). She was unable to understand why I wasn't tired. I remember going shopping one day, then afterwards wanted to go to a dance. She tried to tell me I was too tired to go to the dance. WTF!! I ended up going, but I never understood why she would think that about me. Hello, i'm not an old person!

 

So why put me down for being introverted... talking about me like something is wrong with me . . . when friends invited me out all the time when I was younger. And in highschool I had a group of friends i was with all the time, almost every night. I did go through a period age 14-15 where I was depressed and had few friends, but that passed.

 

I don't get why she tries to act like I'm too tired, like I am sickly or something? Or talks about me like something is wrong with me. It doesn't make any logical sense. Why would she do that?

[SpiralOut]

I had a phone conversation with her last night where I exploded at her. Out of everyone I know, she is the only one to incite such rage from me on a regular basis. Only exception is ex-boyfriends whom I'm obviously not with anymore.

 

She found out about a dental appointment I casually mentioned and she asked me "is it a male or a female." I asked her why does that matter? She responded that it doesn't really, she is just making conversation. BULL**** you are just making conversation. You're asking me that to find out if he's a man so you can tie yourself in knots worrying that he might molest me while cleaning my teeth. Seriously, she is totally obsessed with knowing whether the people I interact with are male or female, and if it's a male she always gives me some sort of warning to make sure he doesn't do anything bad to me. Because apparantly I am stupid or something!! So don't PRETEND to be "just making conversation." Don't play that stupid game with me!!

 

I just said "I don't know." And she said, "you don't know????" I said "ummm NO I don't know. I will find out when I get there!!" I said it in an angry voice. This is a new place that I go to and I didn't ask them on the phone if my dentist would be male or female, I mean why would I do that. I then said "I don't understand why that matters!" in a really angry voice again. She didn't say anything, then asked if I'd like to speak to my father.

 

I hate it that she does that! Whenever she says or does something to piss someone off, she completely ignores their reaction. She does that to both myself and my father. I've seen my father react to her in the exact same way that I just did, with the same angry voice, and she just ignores it. She doesn't care. She never apologizes. It just makes me even more angry at her. Whenever I can see that I've pissed someone off with something I've said, my instant reaction is to say "oh, um, sorry!!" Not to just act like that person is stupid and ignore them and walk away. She is such a bitch!!

 

I don't understand what's wrong with her! She makes her husband and her daughter angry with her on a regular basis and her way of dealing with it is to decide that she said/did nothing wrong and has no reason to apologize. I'm sorry but when you piss off your own family so badly like that you should probably give a **** about it!!

Edited January 29, 2013 by SpiralOut

[BehindTheseHazelEyes]

Hi Spiral Out!

 

I totally understand where you are coming from. She may be jealous and/or insecure. If you're life is very different from the way that she lived hers, then it probably is fear from her side.

 

I don't have any really good advice for you except to try and limit your contact with her. I know in my situation that has helped me. My parents have been married almost 40 years and my mom has never worked outside of the home. I have 2 advanced degrees and am married to my second husband. I have children from my previous marriage and have a great career. But my mom doesn't see that. She thinks I am being selfish (providing for my family?).

 

She has said really hurtful things about me to my husband and my sister (like they wouldn't tell me?). So I know how you feel. It is like a betrayal. Your age doesn't matter. I am a mother and I would never treat my children the way my mother has treated me.

 

My best advice to you is to tell her when she hurts you and ignore her when she's a bitch. Some people are miserable and just want to make other people miserable, too. If you are happy with your life, then that is what matters. Love those who love you and forgive the ones that make life harder. It will only benefit you to forgive in this situation. That doesn't mean that you have to accept her treatment. Just take a step back and detach.

 

Good luck! I'm ahead of you by a decade. She still hurts my feelings and makes me cry, but I never cry in front of her. And I am extra alert with my own children. The funny thing is, they are old enough that they see it now when she acts that way, too.

[bluegreen]

thanks miss santana...

 

my mother, as I've mentioned, made all these comments about how something is wrong with me socially. Yet when I was younger she would say no a lot of the time to me being with friends on the weekends. I had good grades in school, was a well-behaved kid. Her excuse was not wanting me to get tired. So she restricted which nights I could go out. I could go out on friday or saturday but not both. I was athletic, high energy so that was odd. Again when i was a teenager she would try to stop me (but couldn't by this time). She was unable to understand why I wasn't tired. I remember going shopping one day, then afterwards wanted to go to a dance. She tried to tell me I was too tired to go to the dance. WTF!! I ended up going, but I never understood why she would think that about me. Hello, i'm not an old person!

 

So why put me down for being introverted... talking about me like something is wrong with me . . . when friends invited me out all the time when I was younger. And in highschool I had a group of friends i was with all the time, almost every night. I did go through a period age 14-15 where I was depressed and had few friends, but that passed.

 

I don't get why she tries to act like I'm too tired, like I am sickly or something? Or talks about me like something is wrong with me. It doesn't make any logical sense. Why would she do that?

 

 

 

Am amazed that someone else went trough EXACT same thing and even years later even today just remembering how she "made sure" my social life was limited or sabotaged every way it could be she still plays ignorant and crows that she is and just was good mommie humiliation and smirks gossip from my friends was beyond worse then you can imagine .

 

Am an adult now and she still try's to pull same c.... and once I went insane and tore her apart verbaly you would not belive what came out of her mouth from calling me wh.... re to street walker to drug addict to anything else seeing man around me makes her SICK for some reason and yes every man wants to "rape me" leave me beat me or worse.

 

What is a matter with her I can't even begin to imagine all I know that some and lots of stuff about her make my skin crawl love and respect i had went trough wondow long time ago and I hide whatever I can from her like snake its legs.

 

ps: I would pay any amount of money to understand WHY but am afraid I never will so I feel for you from the bottom of my heart and am so glad that I was given a chance that it was not only me who went trough this.

[SpiralOut]

I just remembered something else. When I was growing up, every so often she would make offhand comments to me about how she and my dad can't go on vacations because of me and my brother. "Your dad and I haven't gone anywhere in over 10 years," she would say to me. It was almost like I was her little friend that she was able to confess these things to.

 

Now I see how completely inappropriate that was. Seriously if you are that resentful about your children, talk to your friend about it. Don't talk to your daughter about how much your life sucks because of her. Now that I think of it, she never said anything like that when my dad or brother was around. Because why would she.

 

 

Hi Spiral Out!

 

I totally understand where you are coming from. She may be jealous and/or insecure. If you're life is very different from the way that she lived hers, then it probably is fear from her side.

 

. . . .

 

My best advice to you is to tell her when she hurts you and ignore her when she's a bitch. Some people are miserable and just want to make other people miserable, too. If you are happy with your life, then that is what matters. Love those who love you and forgive the ones that make life harder. It will only benefit you to forgive in this situation. That doesn't mean that you have to accept her treatment. Just take a step back and detach.

Yeah her life is certainly different from mine. Her life is very sheltered. She came to my city one time to help me look for apartments and I had to pretty much babysit her because she was panicking so badly. No decision I made was good enough for her, but she couldn't think of anything better because she didn't know what to do. It was an absolute nightmare. And let's not forget the time she and my father stopped by my workplace to pick me up. Afterwards she could not stop telling everyone about how "there were two big black guys!!" sitting outside on their smoke break. Oh my god. It was so embarassing. Seriously, get with the program.

 

She has never lived alone and can't travel anywhere alone. I think she's a fearful person.

 

I find it hard to detach from her because all these years I've been ignoring her bad behaviour and it's like I'm waking up now.

 

I would pay any amount of money to understand WHY but am afraid I never will so I feel for you from the bottom of my heart and am so glad that I was given a chance that it was not only me who went trough this.

 

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one either.