Forgiveness

[AllieKat]

I get that its to help me but i cant help but feel like its to help him/ us too! I read a lot of leslie cane articles ands thats kinds but ive been following. I have to be honest im not just doing any of this for me. If i was i think i would of lost my mind on him by now because thats me i speak up!

Believe me if i was just doubg this for me i would of moved out by now! :-/

[AllieKat]

I hope i say ty enough cause i sure do appreciate everyone helping through this! Especially when im nutty or come across as having split personalities ;-)

 

Thank you

[tojaz]

I get that its to help me but i cant help but feel like its to help him/ us too! I read a lot of leslie cane articles ands thats kinds but ive been following. I have to be honest im not just doing any of this for me. If i was i think i would of lost my mind on him by now because thats me i speak up!

Believe me if i was just doubg this for me i would of moved out by now! :-/

 

Don't mistake what i'm saying for giving up hope Allie. Its a state of mind, If you are taking actions with the thought in your head that they are going to change his mind, or display this or that, it effects how you behave in carrying out those actions. If he is not in the equation (of your actions/not your life in general) then a much stronger clearer message will come through.

 

You've done that a couple times almost by accident and from how you described it, it sounds like its knocked him on his heels.

 

This whole thing has been a sort of push pull tug of war kind of thing, when you try to pull him close, he pushes away, but when quit playing the game, he does something to try and pull you back into it, and you jump back in and the cycle continues. If I'm not mistaken, you want him to pull you back, so why not make it harder for him to draw you back in?

 

You do that by living for you.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Gotcha! I was understand what you were saying! I have been doing this to pull him back in. I think thats why im so frustrated when he does nothing. Im expecting a reaction. And your right when i dont expect anything is when he does something that throws me off. Like him getting me gas. He never told me he did that I just noticed the next morning. And when i thanked him he didnt even acknowledge my ty. He knows how polite i am so hehad to know a ty was coming.

 

Maybe since we had so much interaction the other day he had to pull back. I gotta admit a man who wants a divorce usually doesnt just stick around doung things hes done. Thats my hope anyway that he still feels for me. And that is hope.

 

On a nother note i started water aerobics yesterday. Ill be doing it 3 times a week and Ive lost 5lbs! I dont need to lose a lot but i feel better. Ive even treated myself to some new makeup and beauty products stuff i love and it makes me feel good! Heres hoping for a better day and maybe somemore " progress" trying to keep this in my head " hes still here"

[tojaz]

 

On a nother note i started water aerobics yesterday. Ill be doing it 3 times a week and Ive lost 5lbs! I dont need to lose a lot but i feel better. Ive even treated myself to some new makeup and beauty products stuff i love and it makes me feel good! Heres hoping for a better day and maybe somemore " progress" trying to keep this in my head " hes still here"

 

Now thats what I'm talkin about! Good for you Allie.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Thx tojaz! Another day of no talking! :-( just curious of your opinion here, is it likely, to you, that maybe the nice gestures hubby did where just him being nice and there was no meaning? Like i said just your opinion. You know im an over thinker and im analyzing everything. It just helps me prepare for all possible outcomes. I really dont think he knows what hes doing. Hes even told me as recently as two weeks ago he has no plan! Still no seperate bank accounts either. Also its been brought to my attention by a friend of his that hes hasnt returned his call or texts or email or any of the friends. Theres a circle of 3 guys and my hubby that grew up together. Hubby hasbeen mia to them all now for 3 weeks. Not like him. He at least usually returns texts. Should this worry me?

 

Im thinking maybe hes just trying to figure stuff out on his own since our come to god meeting.

[trippi1432]

Hi Allie - not sure if you were asking for any opinion or just a man's opinion, but men do go into their shell when they are thinking. It's not strange for them to not communicate with their friends when they are in this space....remember "Man-Cave".

 

So his friend brought this to your attention? I guess he was concerned that he hadn't heard from him and contacted you?

 

I applaud you though on the progress you are making hun, keep up the good vibes.

[AllieKat]

Any opinion is a good opinion to me... Thx Trip! Yes his friend sent me a msg cause he was worried since he hadnt heard back.. Usually hubby sents text or msg back saying ill be in touch or something but nothing. This wasafter we cleared the air so not sure if thats a coincedence or not. I ran into a guy he used to work with and he said he had texted him but never heard back. Not like my hubby at all.

 

Could just be he doesnt want to talk about "us" and he knows they'll bring it up or maybe hejust wants to be left alone.

[tojaz]

Thx tojaz! Another day of no talking! :-( just curious of your opinion here, is it likely, to you, that maybe the nice gestures hubby did where just him being nice and there was no meaning? Like i said just your opinion. You know im an over thinker and im analyzing everything. It just helps me prepare for all possible outcomes. I really dont think he knows what hes doing. Hes even told me as recently as two weeks ago he has no plan! Still no seperate bank accounts either. Also its been brought to my attention by a friend of his that hes hasnt returned his call or texts or email or any of the friends. Theres a circle of 3 guys and my hubby that grew up together. Hubby hasbeen mia to them all now for 3 weeks. Not like him. He at least usually returns texts. Should this worry me?

 

Im thinking maybe hes just trying to figure stuff out on his own since our come to god meeting.

 

Allie, I obviously can't speak for all men, but I tend to go cold and dark when i have something heavy on my mind. There are a lot of people that don't understand that, but it has always been my way of coping, besides, the kind of issues your H is dealing with isn't really something we advertise. If any of my guy friends or coworkers read half of what I have written here on LS I would have to move to some unibomber style shack never to be heard from again.

 

Like I've said before, I can't really comment on his gestures because they have only been told through your experience of them. What I can say is that when someone decides they are walking away, actions like his are the exception rather then the norm. Typically the cut is deep, quick, and leaves very little question of its intent.

 

My best guess is that hes somewhere between where you hope he is and where you fear he is, but I wouldn't expect him to admit that.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Lol unibomber shack! My hubby doesnt have many friends, him and i were bfs and i was the one he talked to so that must make it hard for him. I know hes talked to at least of his buddies about us because he told me and so did the one friend. I think he is in between where i want him to be and where i fear he is. I know him well and i need to keep that in mind. If he wanted to reconcile or was ready to he'd do it. However with that said he did have this pattern with our other fight. He did nice stuff then went quiet then again. I think that is his process. This was a huge blow to him and i think its certainly a process. But i do know he isnt the type to stick around for months if hes wanting out. Hed at least have a plan and i do know he has no plan to divorce me while hes living here or before Jan. thats when he ssid he'd be changing witholding back to married!

[tojaz]

Well then its pretty easy then. Like I said time is on your side and you are starting to use it to full advantage by working on you, and you have already learned a lot. You know the cycle so you just have to stick to the changes you've made and break your part of it.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Had to text hubby today. Had an email from one of the trash that was gossiping about me. She was saying i didnt pay my $100 dues that were do in aug. my hubby turned them in with a check and theyve since cleared. These lady is on a witch hunt trying to find something to get me on. I told her she needs to check her facts and its in bad taste to tell ppl they owe money if they arent 100% sure its owed. Lol 5 minutes later oh yeah they have it!! Go figure

 

I told hubby and he said they have a lot of screw ups with other ppl too amd hell take care of as soon as he can ( hes at work) so thats good right? I also emailed him what i wrote back to her so theres no mistaken what was said and what wasnt. Must suck to be them!! Lol

[AllieKat]

So as i mentioned above I had to text hubby today. Well when he came home he wont even look at me, its as if he doesnt know me. This worries me should it or should i trudge on and go about my business? Its these no interactions that rattle me to the core. I feel like he could keep this up for months. Any suggestions?

[tojaz]

So as i mentioned above I had to text hubby today. Well when he came home he wont even look at me, its as if he doesnt know me. This worries me should it or should i trudge on and go about my business? Its these no interactions that rattle me to the core. I feel like he could keep this up for months. Any suggestions?

 

Suggestion is always the same, go about your business because there is nothing you can do about it.

 

I will say though, that confirming that you had paid them and dealing with this person is something that you are quite capable of doing. You wanted an excuse to have interaction with H. He got pulled in and the cycle repeats.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I guess i see how it looks that way. But ( lol) when i texted him i had told him it was resolved and i set her straight! I wanted him to know because hes the one who turned in check and i knew it would get back to him no matter what. I frlt it better if he heard it from me. Just trying to be transparent. Plus these hens twist everything.

 

I gotta admit im struggling to bite my lip now. Im so mad he just doesnt talk it kills me. I keep rethinking our convo two weeks ago and how he said this is a self protection thing. I get it but will it ever end? I think hes emotionally shut down and i fear thats not fixable. Ugh me being a crazy tonight

[AllieKat]

So now 2 therapists have told me they think my H has emotionally abandoned me aka shut me out. And both have made it sound hopeless. So i started s thread on that topic to see what others exp have been with just that subject. Scary as i know they are the professionals but one said it usually NEVER IS REVERSABLE. And said it is the point if NO RETURN.

 

Just what a emotional confused person like me needs to hear. If anyone knows anything or has any info or exp with that plz comment on that thread it seems to be a very common thing.

[Leelou]

Yes his friend sent me a msg cause he was worried since he hadnt heard back.. Usually hubby sents text or msg back saying ill be in touch or something but nothing. This wasafter we cleared the air so not sure if thats a coincedence or not. I ran into a guy he used to work with and he said he had texted him but never heard back. Not like my hubby at all.

 

Could just be he doesnt want to talk about "us" and he knows they'll bring it up or maybe hejust wants to be left alone.

 

So now 2 therapists have told me they think my H has emotionally abandoned me aka shut me out. And both have made it sound hopeless. So i started s thread on that topic to see what others exp have been with just that subject. Scary as i know they are the professionals but one said it usually NEVER IS REVERSABLE. And said it is the point if NO RETURN.

 

Just what a emotional confused person like me needs to hear. If anyone knows anything or has any info or exp with that plz comment on that thread it seems to be a very common thing.

I don't agree with the therapists stating it's irreversable, because in your H's case, he has also shut out all his friends too, which means he is not targeting YOU alone, it's just his way of withdrawing. Of licking his wounds. Of getting a chance to regroup himself. I don't believe it is abandoning you to the point of no return.

 

Also, you H is likely not talking to his buddies at all because he fears they may question him when he does NOT have a plan and he doesn't want to feel pressured into an action he is not ready to take.

It's obvious he has decided to do nothing, but take a 'wait and see' attitude until January, so that is what he is doing with you. He reckons that if you are going to do something sooner or later your character will shine through, he is testing you to see if you are going to be trustworthy or not, and he is using the best indicator -- TIME.

 

Remember a few months back when you wrote in this thread that you were sick and tired of hearing nothing but negative stuff from your girl friends? That they suspected your H of being up to no good and thought he was going to do something mean when he was starting to be nice to you? What did you do? You withdrew a little from them, didn't you? So is he. He doesn't want to have his fears fed by his buddies, he doesn't want to have to explain himself to them, he doesn't want to have to talk about his failing marriage or his financial bankruptcy... men do not relish talking about their 'failures' to their friends, so he is withdrawing for now.

[AllieKat]

Thx lee that made me feel a little better and your right he is now shutting friends out too. I guess if he had completly shut me out he wouldnt ever talk right? I think sometimes maybe very often in my case we just need reassurance to keep on pace. Im struggling because im mad and things arent going my way, and im used to them going my way. I just miss him so much its hard to take the cold shoulder day in and day out. Not sure how i made it this long.

[AllieKat]

H sent text to let me know he checked my car battery this Am and it needs to be replaced. I responded ok i will go get a new one. He wrote me back that he will take care of it when he gets home from work. He said he knows putting in the wrong battery can be bad because he made that mistake with his car.

 

So in that i tried to do for myself but he wasnt liking that. How hard could it really be? Make and model of car and presto i pay for new battery?

[january2011]

He wants to do something for you. I say let him do it and thank him. Use it as an opportunity to let him reach out to you.

[Leelou]

H sent text to let me know he checked my car battery this Am and it needs to be replaced. I responded ok i will go get a new one. He wrote me back that he will take care of it when he gets home from work. He said he knows putting in the wrong battery can be bad because he made that mistake with his car.

 

So in that i tried to do for myself but he wasnt liking that. How hard could it really be? Make and model of car and presto i pay for new battery?

 

Remember, he likes feeling valued and needed by you -- you said that's one of the things that first attracted him to you, was you being the damsel in distress and him being your knight.

After he does your battery, be sure to mention how proud you are of him with his skills and knowledge about cars, and thank him for taking care of your car for you, that it's a welcomed help.

[Leelou]

I just miss him so much its hard to take the cold shoulder day in and day out. Not sure how i made it this long.

 

It's because you love him, and have no choice but to wait it out.

[AllieKat]

@ coop we only text when hes at work or im at work. Its not like hes in the house and i am too and we're texting. Not sure though why he can text me but not look at me!

[AllieKat]

@ leelou he sure does like doing stuff for me your right! I know i have no choice but to wait it out it sucks though!!! And my family wont letup on me about him. I have really backed off from them to keep the misguided advice at bay because they dont seem to care if i want it or not they just like to give it

[AllieKat]

Hubby came home and we had an hour long talk just about work, football, and we talked about the hens after me. He said he was mad they didnt just ask him where the $ was! I told cause they are on a witch hunt gor me and he said he agreed and he thinks its crap....he was so talkative and i know thats cause he doesnt have anyone to talk with like he used it. He then left to go get my battery i was hoping hed ask me to go but i wasnt inviting myself, and he didnt ask.

 

The convo was nice though just like old times only w/o the underlying issues of the new times! Something i notice is when i iniate the convo he just talks and talks. But he doesnt iniate the convo much.

 

Last time i think i helped us make up sooner because i sat down and talked and talked, he was dragging feet and im not sure he would of made up that same day it might of taken him a few more sonce hes slow and cautious and stubborn by nature. So im wondering if this is the route i should take or no.