Good enough to sleep with but not date?

[mesmerized]

I agree with everyone. My feelings are already invested into this.. it makes it harder. Yes, Ive auditioned for this gf part and I still dont have it. Im like what is so bad about me that you dont want to make a commitment to me?

 

Ive pleased this man in every sense of the word. I dont act clingy, I've cooked for him, Ive taken him out (once) when he was stressed from work, I dont screw other men, I am honest with him, Ive given his ass a pedicure, Ive done EVERYTHING imaginable sex wise to please him (which he loves!), I try to encourage him when things are bad.... but for what? The **** doesnt add up.

 

Yet, I still only see him once a week, he still hasnt taken me out, I know he has other women because his phone vibrates wayyy to much (the extinct of their relationship I dont know). I feel like a complete and utter fool! Im tired of getting played. I cant even focus on another man because Im so far up his ass.

 

He has never even taken you out and you gave him a pedicure???? Might as well wash his ass in the shower too.

 

No wonder he doesn't want to be exclsuive with you, you act like a servant, doormat and he probably wants a woman with self esteem who values herself more than this.

[McLovinIt]

You are making this really hard for yourself. Put yourself in his position, have you ever told a guy you weren't into him and they kept pursuing you? For reasons you know, you didn't want to have a relationship... this guy absolutely knows why he doesn't want to have a relationship with you.

 

If he hasn't told you, maybe its superficial which sucks. At this point you are definitely FWB. If this is what you want, then don't complain. But if its not, you have the power to end it, YOU are in control.

 

 

As a guy, I'm for equality in relationships. I'm not really a fan of games but as adults we know it happens. So if you really want to try and win this guy over maybe see what happens if you try ascendotum advice.

 

BUT what if you try all that stuff, get more emotionally invested, he says all the "right things" but still doesn't want to commit? You're gonna get hurt.

 

Smartest thing for you maybe is to have one last talk about why you're not the one. This is to try and give yourself some closure. Whether or not he's truthful, accept it and leave, NO MORE CONTACT!!!

 

If you're in a relationship where you're the one making all the compromises, its no good and not going to be long lasting. 50/50 or 0/0

[ascendotum]

I did agree with Sid, that quite possibly this guy is not screwing other women, but just doesn't want to get involved in a fulltime relationship for the time being. I like the 2hr phone calls late at night out in the backyard with his brother bit lol. Given your subsequent posts however I am inclined to say, don't bother about making him jealous. Just boot him. Better to end up in a loving devoted relationship with a handsome man than be a f-buddy (I dont think I would give you fwb status since you dont go out together) or a part of a harem for a unavailable VERY handsome man, imo. Its not like you are oblivious to the red flags. As long as you keep seeing him, then like you say anyone else you might date will have difficulty measuring up to his looks & charisma.

[zanesfan]

At this point I am humiliated and embarrassed. It really makes me think. Why would I allow myself to go through all of this?

No I was never oblivious. I just allowed him to woo me back in. I did delete all messages, all calls, delete and blocked him on Facebook, delete his number, and even deleted his email address. For once it has hit me. And it doesn't feel good. I'm sure he thinks I am a petty minded dimwit.

[Ruby Slippers]

At this point I am humiliated and embarrassed. It really makes me think. Why would I allow myself to go through all of this?

No I was never oblivious. I just allowed him to woo me back in. I did delete all messages, all calls, delete and blocked him on Facebook, delete his number, and even deleted his email address. For once it has hit me. And it doesn't feel good. I'm sure he thinks I am a petty minded dimwit.

Don't be too hard on yourself. We all do stupid **** sometimes.

 

Focus on the fact that you wised up and respected yourself enough to dump this chump.

 

And beware of him trying to win you back. Guys like this LOVE a challenge, so he might try to bat you around in his claws for a while. Do not let him.

[Sid6.7]

And it doesn't feel good. I'm sure he thinks I am a petty minded dimwit.

 

You will feel much better when you come to realize you don't give a **** what he thinks.

[Solo34]

At this point I am humiliated and embarrassed. It really makes me think. Why would I allow myself to go through all of this?

No I was never oblivious. I just allowed him to woo me back in. I did delete all messages, all calls, delete and blocked him on Facebook, delete his number, and even deleted his email address. For once it has hit me. And it doesn't feel good. I'm sure he thinks I am a petty minded dimwit.

 

Hey, but now you know. Just try and learn from it. It's better to now know and start to do right by yourself, than to just live in denial for who knows how long if you didn't just have your epiphany.

 

You're gonna be alright. It's just gonna take some time.

[SJC2008]

Look at it from his view. He's getting a supply of steady ehem, probably hooking up with other women and like other posters say when a girl knocks his socks of he'll be gone with the wind.

 

If you are looking for a true r and eventually marriage overpower your hornyness and get rid of his ass and go find a good man! They are out there!

[zanesfan]

Thanks for the encouragement & tough love. I had all of last night to think why was I so into him? What was it that was so special that I basically dedicated 6 months of my life trying to make someone happy. Here is what I came up with (sadly)

 

his looks tsk tsk

I wanted to "win"

I wanted to prove I was the perfect girl for him

His charm and sex style matched mine

I really did like him for who he was

he was unavailable emotionally and I wanted to be the one who changed that

wanted to tame a player

[Ninjainpajamas]

Thanks for the encouragement & tough love. I had all of last night to think why was I so into him? What was it that was so special that I basically dedicated 6 months of my life trying to make someone happy. Here is what I came up with (sadly)

 

his looks tsk tsk

I wanted to "win"

I wanted to prove I was the perfect girl for him

His charm and sex style matched mine

I really did like him for who he was

he was unavailable emotionally and I wanted to be the one who changed that

wanted to tame a player

 

I commend you for your honesty zanesfan, I didn't get a chance to comment on this post earlier but you're being very honest with yourself, because I've been told this myself by women in the past pretty much word for word but It just doesn't work that way. This will help you grow.

 

Women always want to be the one that changes that man, and to win....it was surprising how far women would go just to accomplish that...that was in the past, today however I see it and It's amazing to me how many women are on auto-pilot as If they were programmed with a mission "win man at all costs, all sacrifices must be made to achieve outcome".

 

You'll never accomplish it, but i guess that's what really gets you going, wanting to prove you can....quite sad if you ask me, and seems quite immature, I feel sorry for the women who've tried that with me in the past because it was impossible and makes me shake my head in pity. A man in that mindset is just not looking for what you want, and he doesn't care what you do to try and win him over, it just looks like "oh she's giving me even more...how nice! still feel the same though!" then women try and justify the relationship with all those things they intentionally did to try and win you over....as an experienced guy I now understand that practice when it's happening, its partly why i have trouble whether a woman is being genuine or just trying to win me over by making me commit. But then again those are games more often played by younger women.

[boytoy]

Drop this bum! Do we have to fly by your house with a skywriting show?

 

He's a sexy deadbeat. If he cared about you and had half a brain cell, he would be taking you on dates, NOT texting all his woman "friends". He'd be supporting you in feeling secure as his woman.

 

He either doesn't like you enough to do that, or he's so lazy/selfish/stupid/whatever that he's incapable. Neither is acceptable.

 

He will do the least possible to keep having sex with you. Like many other gullible women, you are excusing his lameness and trying to convince yourself that his good looks and charm are enough for you. They're obviously not.

 

You are better than this!

 

I don't really understand how this guy is a deadbeat. Did she say anywhere that he is unemployed or living with his parents? Seems to me like he is very successfully playing her, which is bad behavior, but is not "deadbeat" behavior. If anything, given his (morally questionable) goals he is being extremely successful, and therefore is not a "deadbeat" by any means.

[zanesfan]

I don't really understand how this guy is a deadbeat. Did she say anywhere that he is unemployed or living with his parents? Seems to me like he is very successfully playing her, which is bad behavior, but is not "deadbeat" behavior. If anything, given his (morally questionable) goals he is being extremely successful, and therefore is not a "deadbeat" by any means.

 

Boy toy unfortunately he is a bum. He does live with his parents, he was working full time but now his job has him working part time, he doesn't have a car, and probably not much money. He moved here 7 months ago to start freah i guess. However his parents is making well over 6 figures, they have a huge house, several cars, and is doing ok.

 

I work, own a home, and have a car. So i wasn't with him for what he has that's for sure!

[boytoy]

Boy toy unfortunately he is a bum. He does live with his parents, he was working full time but now his job has him working part time, he doesn't have a car, and probably not much money. He moved here 7 months ago to start freah i guess. However his parents is making well over 6 figures, they have a huge house, several cars, and is doing ok.

 

I work, own a home, and have a car. So i wasn't with him for what he has that's for sure!

 

OK then WHY do you find him attractive then? What is attractive about a man who can't provide for himself or for you, when there countless men out there who have their **** together and would probably be happy to have you. Girls are crazy.

[Feelsgoodman]

Thanks for the encouragement & tough love. I had all of last night to think why was I so into him? What was it that was so special that I basically dedicated 6 months of my life trying to make someone happy. Here is what I came up with (sadly)

 

his looks tsk tsk

I wanted to "win"

I wanted to prove I was the perfect girl for him

His charm and sex style matched mine

I really did like him for who he was

he was unavailable emotionally and I wanted to be the one who changed that

wanted to tame a player

It's good that you're being honest but surely you agree that you are getting your just desserts?

[Feelsgoodman]

OK then WHY do you find him attractive then? What is attractive about a man who can't provide for himself or for you, when there countless men out there who have their **** together and would probably be happy to have you. Girls are crazy.

She said the guy is good looking, charming and the sex is good. You don't see how that is attractive? Really??

 

For a woman, physical attraction and sex appeal trump a man's positive moral qualities 99.9% percent of the time. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either an idiot or a liar. As for having your sh*t together and being a good provider, it is much less important nowadays because most women work and have their own money.

[zanesfan]

OK then WHY do you find him attractive then? What is attractive about a man who can't provide for himself or for you, when there countless men out there who have their **** together and would probably be happy to have you. Girls are crazy.

 

There ARE plenty of men out there with their own. Im not dodging them. However I met this particular one month after he moved here. Im not a woman after anyone's money or material items because yeah like someone just said I have my own. Now had I said he was ugly and had money-- but I still liked him -- I would be labeled a gold digger.

[zanesfan]

She said the guy is good looking, charming and the sex is good. You don't see how that is attractive? Really??

 

For a woman, physical attraction and sex appeal trump a man's positive moral qualities 99.9% percent of the time. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either an idiot or a liar. As for having your sh*t together and being a good provider, it is much less important nowadays because most women work and have their own money.

 

Getting what I deserve? What is that? I havent done anything wrong but be naive.

 

And no... attraction and sex appeal does not trump anything.. it does play a big part but I would rather have a man who has it all. I think women settle a lot when it comes to the physical part because of who the man is as a person.

 

A woman could very well have her **** together but a man would dodge her like the plague.. why? Because her friend is hotter! Or she could be living with her mom and be hot and a man would still pursue her... why... yeah I think you get my drift.

 

I would rather have stability over anything. Im 29... I have to look at the road ahead and not right now. Yeah that guy was cute but I wouldnt have married him. Im not so sure if I would have wanted to seriously date him. Yeah I wanted to "win" but that was my ego talking.

[thatone]

it's a hard world, there's no consolation prize for getting suckered.

 

so yeah, naive has a penalty. avoid naive in the future.

[Professor X]

I would rather have stability over anything.

You sure about that? Cause your situation proves otherwise.

Im 29... I have to look at the road ahead and not right now. Yeah that guy was cute but I wouldnt have married him.

Why past tense, you having sex with him still, yet you don't find him cute? I find it hard to believe.

Im not so sure if I would have wanted to seriously date him.

I am sure you would. You wanted to win after all, and the only way to do it is by having him committed to you which in means serious dating.

 

 

So my question for you would be what are you looking for from us? You know what to do, you know he won't commit to you, and you know what you want isn't what he wants (and never will be).

[Feelsgoodman]

Getting what I deserve? What is that? I havent done anything wrong but be naive.

I don't think this is a case of being naive. You knew what you were getting yourself into and you knew (or should have known) how it would end. Yet, you agreed to be his booty call anyway because the guy was charming and hot and you were lonely and horny. You were not a victim but rather a willing participant. No one forced you to date a guy who made it clear that he's not interested in an exclusive relationship.

 

And no... attraction and sex appeal does not trump anything.. it does play a big part but I would rather have a man who has it all.

Of course you would rather have a man who has it all, who wouldn't?? Problem is, such men, if they even exist, are exceptionally rare (not to mention, almost certainly taken). And given the choice between an average guy, with average looks and average charm, and a hot charming player, the vast majority of women would got for the latter. It's just a fact of life.

[zanesfan]

You sure about that? Cause your situation proves otherwise.

Im 29... I have to look at the road ahead and not right now. Yeah that guy was cute but I wouldnt have married him.

Why past tense, you having sex with him still, yet you don't find him cute? I find it hard to believe.

 

I am sure you would. You wanted to win after all, and the only way to do it is by having him committed to you which in means serious dating.

 

 

So my question for you would be what are you looking for from us? You know what to do, you know he won't commit to you, and you know what you want isn't what he wants (and never will be).

 

I just wanted to hear him say it and show it. Yes he is cute but I cant pay for my bills and pay to take us out. He aint that cute! I just want his central focus to be on moi.

 

Its funny after being as honest as possible about everything when I said I wouldnt marry him or seriously date him no one believes me. I wanted to have the option!!! Im not saying I wouldnt have stopped sleeping with him but at least I know I can get the title if I wanted too.

[zanesfan]

I don't think this is a case of being naive. You knew what you were getting yourself into and you knew (or should have known) how it would end. Yet, you agreed to be his booty call anyway because the guy was charming and hot and you were lonely and horny. You were not a victim but rather a willing participant. No one forced you to date a guy who made it clear that he's not interested in an exclusive relationship.

 

 

Of course you would rather have a man who has it all, who wouldn't?? Problem is, such men, if they even exist, are exceptionally rare (not to mention, almost certainly taken). And given the choice between an average guy, with average looks and average charm, and a hot charming player, the vast majority of women would got for the latter. It's just a fact of life.

 

Feelsgoodman your right. I wont deny it. I did have a choice. I enjoyed what I enjoyed and I hated what I hated. And yes, sometimes it takes a man or woman to go through this to appreciate that average man/woman.

[thatone]

Feelsgoodman your right. I wont deny it. I did have a choice. I enjoyed what I enjoyed and I hated what I hated. And yes, sometimes it takes a man or woman to go through this to appreciate that average man/woman.

 

these threads like yours come up all the time. some woman writes a novel about some dude she met (of which you can pluck out one sentence with any real bearing on the issue).

 

take this one from awhile back for example..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/311494-i-really-thought-we-had-connection

 

the guy about halfway down in that nailed it. you can pluck out "he's in a band" and that's all that apparently 18 or 19 year old girl who posted all that needed to say, but she imagined the rest as some sort of delusional self defense mechanism.

 

yours is no different. he's charming and attractive. we get it. what's wrong with the facts? the facts are, you wanted to f*ck the hot guy and you did. there's nothing wrong with that. why do you think you have to go through all of this regret, justifying, and second guessing?

 

you wanna f*ck the hot guy? go ahead! there's no law that says you can't.

 

but what no one ever says, because our society perpetuates the "woman = victim" idea despite so-called gender equality is, the hot guy is probably not going to marry you, or even want a relationship with you. so there's no point in getting all bent out of shape when hot guy disappears. he probably will at some point.

 

those are the facts. hell, just ask us (men), we know, we've chased and then released the hot girl for centuries. why? cause 9 times out of 10 hot girl is a full blown psychopath. you don't wanna wake up next to her more than a few times. if you marry her you might as well introduce her to people as your first ex wife, cause that's what the clock on the ticking time bomb atop her shoulders is heading for anyways.

 

just admit who you are, what you want, and what you do. it's easier to make rational decisions that way.

[zanesfan]

Thatone, I dont regret that I slept with him. In fact I dont regret meeting him. Yep, he ate the pie and I enjoyed every minute of it. What irks the hell out of me is that yes afterwards he did say he didnt want anything exclusive. After a few months he did say he missed me, he did say he couldnt wait to see me, he did talk to me and reassured me when I doubted things, he told me it okay to fall in love, and he stated he care about me yesterday when I told him I was starting to care about him and thats why I needed to move on.

 

Ok... maybe something is not adding up with me. But he was already getting the goods. Why continue to play along and say those things if I am telling you I am falling in love. That is crazy to me.

[Solo34]

Thatone, I dont regret that I slept with him. In fact I dont regret meeting him. Yep, he ate the pie and I enjoyed every minute of it. What irks the hell out of me is that yes afterwards he did say he didnt want anything exclusive. After a few months he did say he missed me, he did say he couldnt wait to see me, he did talk to me and reassured me when I doubted things, he told me it okay to fall in love, and he stated he care about me yesterday when I told him I was starting to care about him and thats why I needed to move on.

 

Ok... maybe something is not adding up with me. But he was already getting the goods. Why continue to play along and say those things if I am telling you I am falling in love. That is crazy to me.

 

'Cause he wanted to continue to eat your pie (hopefully no crust) for as long as he could.