i really thought we had a connection

[whatwhit]

So i met this guy name Daniel on a dating site. We hit it right off the bat. And went from casually getting to know each other to full out being interested in each really fast. We started talking on Christmas eve. And we met Tuesday night. The date was great. We went from the awkward first silences of a date to acting like a full out blown couple. He mentioned his ex to me at the bar we Hung out at and i eventually got to the point of asking him if he was over her and he admitted that he wasn't 100% but that part of the convo didn't destroy our night. Throughtout the date he mentioned how he wanted me to go to this bar in sm with him. He was driving home from Waco met up with me in Austin and was heading there. And after we made out ha when he was going to drop me off he mentioned it again and I agreed to go. The end of the date was fun we went to a bar and then just back to his place. We messed around but didn't have sex. Exchanged a lot of I like you'd etc etc etc. I had to leave early in the morning and when I left i was so distracted on finding my stuff in the dark I didn't really him a proper goodbye and this is how the.convo went like this yesterday.

 

Him. Byeee Me. Sorry I didn't give you a hug I thought you wanted to sleep. I'll be over sometime after 2 or 3. If you still want me to ( we were planning on spending the day together). him. Call me I gotta run some errands and stuff when I get up. Me. K Him.gah I can't go back to sleep. I just gotta say this. I'm obviously not over some stuff. I think I'm probably to much to handle for you right now. You don't need to get involved with me. This is the first time since my ex and its kind of tearing me up for some reason Me. K? Well if you don't want to talk to me I still need to get my stuff if that's what you really want. Him. It's not that I don't want to talk to you. I just think I'm not ready. I thought I was......and you hate me. Me. I'll be over to get my stuff Him. I have to run to Austin ill bring it by your house Me. Do you want to talk about it or are you set in stone? I'm not really sure what you think you're rushing yourself into. Him. Yeh we can talk for sure. I know Im not rushing into anything. I just know I'm not over my ex. I wouldn't make a good boyfriend material right now. Just saying.

 

After that we decided how I'm going to get my stuff and then its like

 

Him. I'll meet you in sm. My home isn't the greatest place to talk since I live with 6 other people.

 

Me.did you want to talk Him.we don't have to lol....I'm just saying Me. I want to talk to you but you make it seem like you want me to leave you alone :/him: can we just give of a day or two. Like its not that big of a deal or complicated. I thought I was over my past. Tried a date and realized I'm not. We can still be friends dude (he says dude a lot lol) if anything appreciate that I'm being honest. Me.fair enough. I'm not trying to be over dramatic I'm just confused. Hopefully you can understand that. No one likes being rejected. Him. For sure! I'm not like mad or anything. I just realized I'm not ready to pursue anything with anyone enjoy being alone (which is bull****)..hey at least it took me a day and not weeks. I'm a straight shooter and don't want to lead anyone on. You're not rejected. It's me with the issues...

 

Then I get to his house give him a hug, got my things, at chilled him showing me his itunes list which is ridiculous lol..and he's like well I need to start doing things which was my cue to leave. Then he was like thanks for being so cool about this..and I was like I told you I'm pretty laid back. And I don't remember what led this him saying this but he was like I'm really attracted to you and that coould lead some things and I was like I won't let it Haha. I was supposed to go to his new years eve party and asked him if he wanted me to go still. And he wad quite and was like I just want to hang with the bros. So I got uninvited. And he was like well hang out soon...and I was like if you say sooo.

 

When I called him I was like I guess I shouldn't of stayed the night and he was like well yeah. But he could've said no. And I'm just so confused on how hr go from I really like you to everything that he said

 

So what should i do? He's in a band and I told him I was going to go. Should I text him next Wednesday and be like hey I may be going to your show with some friends. Then go to the show and ask if he wants to hang out when the show is over when i get there. Maybe asking him if we can have a redo like a date where I don't stay the night. Or I don't know. Like when he says all those things does that mean he just doesn't like me..Idk. he mentioned prior how he told him family about me his band etc etc. Him and his gf broke up because her family won't accept his profession....and she kept going out all the time which bothered him..and she would think he cheats on the road. They broke up 8 months ago but apparently still talk and messed around until like a month or two. I don't get how he could be so into to the point of where we are asleep to not within the next day.

[whichwayisup]

First off, slow it down, no more staying over or making out. This moved really fast for a first date and not really knowing him at all. Atleast he's being honest with you and feels bad.. He thought he was ready but realized he isn't. So, just take a step back and see what happens next. Let him call you next, don't call him. This isn't your fault, you did nothing wrong. He's right, it IS him and he jumped the gun too quickly and realized he isn't ready for another relationship, he doesn't want to hurt you. Just play it cool.

[CocoaBrown]

Wow....too much for only knowing him for less then a week and having only met him 2 days ago! I agree with Whichwayisup.....slow it waaaaay down and let him contact you. If someone is actually honest enough to tell you they aren't over their ex, listen to them!

[CocoaBrown]

Also, what made you feel like you had a connection? The making out part? Because unless I missed it or you failed to go into detail, I don't really see anything.

[whatwhit]

If I don't hear from him within a week do you think it would be ok to just send him a simple hey what's up text?

[dasein]

He's in a band.

 

OP could have been condensed to the above. My best guess is he has too much NSA attention/options atm and is getting the vibe you are the relationship type and that isn't what he wants. He is trying to let you down without hurting your feelings, or possibly trying to maneuver you into a particular "night o the week" girl, which you seem willing to pursue based on your overattention to him and overanalysis after a single date. If you are looking for a relationship, this one is a bad bet, would move onto other options.

[whichwayisup]

Nope, let him call you.

We can still be friends dude (he says dude a lot lol) if anything appreciate that I'm being honest. Me.fair enough. I'm not trying to be over dramatic I'm just confused. Hopefully you can understand that. No one likes being rejected. Him. For sure! I'm not like mad or anything. I just realized I'm not ready to pursue anything with anyone enjoy being alone (which is bull****)..hey at least it took me a day and not weeks. I'm a straight shooter and don't want to lead anyone on. You're not rejected. It's me with the issues...

 

He has friend zoned you for sure. A guy who is still slightly interested in a girl, even if they aren't over their ex, will say so. HE told you he is enjoying being alone...

 

Don't call him. If he means what he says about being friends, then he will get in touch with you. If not, then the guy isn't worthy of your time and effort. He let you down "nicely" with no hard feelings.

[whichwayisup]

Though why is he on a dating site? If he isn't over his ex and not looking for something serious, let alone he says he's not 'boyfriend material' which to me means he wants to have fun, date and keep things light and non committed.

[CocoaBrown]

If I don't hear from him within a week do you think it would be ok to just send him a simple hey what's up text?

 

 

I wouldn't. Do you really want to be involved with someone who still has feelings for their ex? Are you looking for a relationship? Cause if you are this isn't going to end well. Start reponding to other messages and looking at profiles.

[Ninjainpajamas]

For me it's extremely obvious he tried to pull you into a situation and then slam on the breaks as not to give you the impression that he wants a relationship.

 

That's why in the beginning everything was good and he treated you well...but after you stayed the night and nothing happened he was already ready to give up as you didn't do what the other groupies would have done.

 

You being so understanding and patient is really working against you, you're giving the impression that you can be walked over...you never want to let a man know he has that much power. Which is why it's like "oops, don't let nothing happen just in case!"...he wants it to happen but with no strings attached.

 

You obviously want to be with this guy, but he sounds like a jerk (easy spot for me) and he's in a band...so there's plenty of trash cans to sift around in had he feel inclined to do so.

 

This is a bad match for you, you sound like a nice girl who's willing to be patient and understanding...a little too compromising if you ask me...however move on and chalk it up as a thing.

 

He's using his emotions for his ex-gf as a way to detach emotionally from other women, therefore he doesn't have to look like the bad guy and he's telling you this whole story that if you still pursue him it's your problem since he already told you.

 

Hopefully you can read the writing on the wall now...abandon ship before you get in over your head and hurt. This is not a gamble worth taking, unless you like losing your money.

[curlygirl40]

For me it's extremely obvious he tried to pull you into a situation and then slam on the breaks as not to give you the impression that he wants a relationship.

 

That's why in the beginning everything was good and he treated you well...but after you stayed the night and nothing happened he was already ready to give up as you didn't do what the other groupies would have done.

 

You being so understanding and patient is really working against you, you're giving the impression that you can be walked over...you never want to let a man know he has that much power. Which is why it's like "oops, don't let nothing happen just in case!"...he wants it to happen but with no strings attached.

 

You obviously want to be with this guy, but he sounds like a jerk (easy spot for me) and he's in a band...so there's plenty of trash cans to sift around in had he feel inclined to do so.

 

This is a bad match for you, you sound like a nice girl who's willing to be patient and understanding...a little too compromising if you ask me...however move on and chalk it up as a thing.

 

He's using his emotions for his ex-gf as a way to detach emotionally from other women, therefore he doesn't have to look like the bad guy and he's telling you this whole story that if you still pursue him it's your problem since he already told you.

 

Hopefully you can read the writing on the wall now...abandon ship before you get in over your head and hurt. This is not a gamble worth taking, unless you like losing your money.

 

+1

 

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The first time. Don't sit there and try to figure out how you can 'play' this right to get what you want (a relationship) when he has already told you that he can't (won't) do a relationship right now.

 

He is having fun being single. You don't fit into that equation. Period! He probably is just looking for fun, NSA sex and he realizes you're way too nice and he's trying to let you down easy. Walk away with your dignity and don't look back.

[whatwhit]

I felt like there was a connection because we had similar things in common, he told his friends and family about me, we planned on hanging out this rest of this week, we were going to be together for new years, we talked everyday til after the date, we have similar interests. Like i said being very couplely the whole night. I told him I prpbably shouldn't of stayed the night and he agreed but he couldve said.no. should I text him a hey whats up within a week. The texts before were just full of compliments, casual talk, him saying he thinks wed be a good looking couple etc etc etc

[whatwhit]

I also believe he isn't using me for sex. One of tje first things he told me was that hes not really into meeting girls from show...and in his quote doesn't slut around. Which was whyhe was using a dating site.

[curlygirl40]

I just read your OP again. What I'm thinking is that when he said "I can't do a relationship" he was probably hoping you would say "That's o.k but we can still hang out", and he would hope that you would sleep with him without the promise of a relationship.

 

I had a guy do this to me. Came on VERY strong but then put the brakes on. When he said "Sorry, I thought I was ready for a relationship but I was wrong" I pretty much said "O.K then, go work on your stuff, bye bye". I was very cool about it because I wasn't all attached at that point. But then he STILL stayed in contact and tried to get me to see him and sleep with him.

 

In looking back, I think that was this guys game. Reel me in. Then say "I guess I'm not ready", but then still try to get me to sleep with him. He was HOT I'm sure it worked with some girls.

 

And besides, what does a guy in a band need OLD for?? I know guys in bands and girls THROW themselves at them constantly.

[curlygirl40]

should I text him a hey whats up within a week. The texts before were just full of compliments, casual talk, him saying he thinks wed be a good looking couple etc etc etc

 

It depends on what you want. To me this is pretty clear. If you want a relationship, he's not ready for a relationship. Even if he's not playing you and he's being 100% honest, then he's not ready for a relationship. Where does that leave you?

 

Are you thinking about hanging around in the periphery of his life hoping that when he's ready for a relationship he will pick you?? If so then what you're saying to him is "O.K, I understand you don't want a relationship. But I will give you the benefits of a relationship - fun, friendship, companionship, attention, entertainment, intimacy - but don't worry, I won't ask for anything in return, because I'm not worth more than that". Blech

 

You're worth more than that. And IMO you have a better chance of being someone who he chooses to be in a relationship with later if you don't hang around and always let him know you're still there waiting. By texting weekly if you're not hearing from him what you're saying is 'I'm still here. Here I am. I'm still interested'. You're better off dropping out of sight and then if/when he's ready for something more then you're going to come to his mind and he's going to think 'I wonder what whatwhit is up to, I haven't heard from her', and he will contact you. You're not giving him that opportunity if you're all up in his space all the time even though he's told you he's not ready.

 

Think about it.

[CocoaBrown]

It depends on what you want. To me this is pretty clear. If you want a relationship, he's not ready for a relationship. Even if he's not playing you and he's being 100% honest, then he's not ready for a relationship. Where does that leave you?

 

Are you thinking about hanging around in the periphery of his life hoping that when he's ready for a relationship he will pick you?? If so then what you're saying to him is "O.K, I understand you don't want a relationship. But I will give you the benefits of a relationship - fun, friendship, companionship, attention, entertainment, intimacy - but don't worry, I won't ask for anything in return, because I'm not worth more than that". Blech

 

You're worth more than that. And IMO you have a better chance of being someone who he chooses to be in a relationship with later if you don't hang around and always let him know you're still there waiting. By texting weekly if you're not hearing from him what you're saying is 'I'm still here. Here I am. I'm still interested'. You're better off dropping out of sight and then if/when he's ready for something more then you're going to come to his mind and he's going to think 'I wonder what whatwhit is up to, I haven't heard from her', and he will contact you. You're not giving him that opportunity if you're all up in his space all the time even though he's told you he's not ready.

 

Think about it.

 

Ugh! I wish someone had been around to tell me this when I was involved with someone who wasn't emotionally available for a relationship. Very different circumstances and unfortunately he wasn't upfront with me like the OP's guy, but it took me awhile before I finally understood he was bull**** and just wanted to have sex with me. He wasn't man enough to come out and say it because he knew I was worth so much more and wanted more at that time. I was patient and understanding (barf) like the OP and texted him to let him know I was there for him (he had alot going on) and was still willing to spend time with him and made myself waaaaaaaaaaaaay too available (barf again)

 

Hope you heed the advice you are being given OP. Will save you alot of time!

[whichwayisup]

I felt like there was a connection because we had similar things in common, he told his friends and family about me, we planned on hanging out this rest of this week, we were going to be together for new years, we talked everyday til after the date, we have similar interests. Like i said being very couplely the whole night. I told him I prpbably shouldn't of stayed the night and he agreed but he couldve said.no. should I text him a hey whats up within a week. The texts before were just full of compliments, casual talk, him saying he thinks wed be a good looking couple etc etc etc

 

So you had a connection, it doesn't change the fact he doesn't want any relationship right now. He was clear about that. He isn't over his ex, he isn't boyfriend material and he even told you he is glad he figured it out in one day rather than 3 weeks or a month from now. BELIEVE him.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I felt like there was a connection because we had similar things in common, he told his friends and family about me, we planned on hanging out this rest of this week, we were going to be together for new years, we talked everyday til after the date, we have similar interests. Like i said being very couplely the whole night. I told him I prpbably shouldn't of stayed the night and he agreed but he couldve said.no. should I text him a hey whats up within a week. The texts before were just full of compliments, casual talk, him saying he thinks wed be a good looking couple etc etc etc

 

You're being manipulated...that's why the signs are confusing.

 

Just because you have chemistry doesn't change the facts...I think this is where you are getting confused, you are trying to convince yourself that what he is doing means more..

 

But you're not understanding one thing...he told you he isn't ready for a relationship and trust me, when a guy tells you this...he really doesn't want a relationship!

 

It doesn't matter how couply you act around each other, nor these other things...i can assure you that you are not the first girl he has done this to. Many women take all of these facts and let is mislead them, when the truth is he just wants you for intimacy/sex, I know you don't see that now but you would later.

 

I'm not sure why women tolerate this kind of behavior from men, and then expect a relationship out of it. You're playing tricks on yourself and you're listening to some of the things he is saying and doing yet ignoring the other.

 

Lots of guys are douche bags and put on a show to suck you in, then back off after that new car smell goes away. It's a shame that men can put on a show in the beginning and have that last for as long as it does because women always hold onto that.

 

Do what you must...but I'm a man and been one for 31 years, and know the game inside and out, not to mention men in general very well. This is pretty classic in my book.

 

Everything will be ok in the beginning, but watch what happens in the end. It's a shame to see women walk into fire thinking it's love/true connection.

[whatwhit]

I guess the main problem i have with all of this is the fact that I am blaming myself. I just keep thinking if I had just left our night ending things with a kiss at the door instead of in tje bed things would've been different. Because, thats what freaked him out. Me being the first girl whose slept in his be besides his ex early on. So, me naturally I just want to fix it. Yall don't know him and i don't either but i do know more about him. And i honestly don't think he was using me sex, or trying to play some kind of cruel game. I don't think hes a bad guy. If at all possible i woild like to at least have a friendship with him etc etc.

[whichwayisup]

I guess the main problem i have with all of this is the fact that I am blaming myself. I just keep thinking if I had just left our night ending things with a kiss at the door instead of in tje bed things would've been different. Because, thats what freaked him out. Me being the first girl whose slept in his be besides his ex early on. So, me naturally I just want to fix it. Yall don't know him and i don't either but i do know more about him. And i honestly don't think he was using me sex, or trying to play some kind of cruel game. I don't think hes a bad guy. If at all possible i woild like to at least have a friendship with him etc etc.

 

whatwhit, you're still not getting it.. Nothing you did or didn't do, wouldn't have changed the outcome which is the guy isn't looking for a relationship. He even told you "I just realized I'm not ready to pursue anything with anyone enjoy being alone...hey at least it took me a day and not weeks" And, he's not over his ex! Kiss or no kiss, sleep over or not, the outcome would STILL be the same! Stop blaming yourself!! You didn't freak him out at all. He just doesn't want a committed relationship and again, he told you he isn't 'boyfriend' material right now. How much clearer could he have said it?

[curlygirl40]

I think whichwayisup is right, that nothing you did or said would have changed the outcome.

 

BUT, lets play devils advocate here and say that if you left the date with a kiss at the door it would have changed things.

 

Probably he still would have freaked out the second or third date when things got more intimate. Then you would have been more involved and it would have been harder for you

 

Nothing you do now is going to change what happened that night. He's being honest with you and you're still trying to figure out how you can undo what you did and start over. You can't.

 

You can use this as a lesson for the next time. Always leave them wanting more. Especially an OLD in my opinion. You had never met him before that night. Leave the date with a kiss and leave him thinking about you. Don't leave the next morning with plans to see him later that day and leave stuff at his place. WAY too soon. Would freak anyone out.

 

You're better off with that person wondering if and when they will see you again then to end up in his bed that first night.

 

You should use this as a lesson for the next time.

 

You're not imagining things. There probably was a connection. But just because there is a connection doesn't mean that you're both in the same place. Doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you. Doesn't mean he didn't have that same connection with someone else the next night.

 

If you want to be friends with him but you're hoping for more, make sure that friendship doesn't come with a benefits package.

[whatwhit]

So I just got done talking to him because some stupid girl drama that requires another thread/ has nothing to do with the current situation happen. I asked him if hes talked to his ex and he said he did and they actually Hung out yesterday. And I told him that hes never going to get over her if he keeps talking to her and he was like yeah I don't know if I want to get over her. I think were probably going to get back together. So thats that. Thanks guys for putting effort into this thread. Im hurt obviously but ill be ok.

[whatwhit]

Also, I told him some friends of mine and I were thinking about goinf to his show but he said that she was most likely going to be there. So yeah :/

[snowflakes88]

Ouch. Now please do not contact him again.

[Feelsgoodman]

If I don't hear from him within a week do you think it would be ok to just send him a simple hey what's up text?

What's the point? The guy pretty much told you that he does not want to have anything to do with you. I know it's probably confusing because you had such a strong connection on your first date (or so you thought), but it is now clear that he is not interested.