Is this commitment phobia? Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions?

[Ktzmom]

Hi Missy,

Glad to hear from you again!!!! Not much is new here....we still talk ocassionally, we just can't (or I) can't handle talking to him...still care too much, so I try to avoid him now. I am especially angry at the loss of my good friend and I'm not sure we can ever get that back. He still gives me "that" look when I walk by, my friends have even pointed this out, but I can't keep hanging on hoping he will come back. I am not seeing anyone else, but I am not "holding my breath" for him. If he does decide he misses me, he knows how to get in touch with me, and perhaps then I will be willing to risk it again, right now, I know I can't.

I am a great person and one day I will find the love I deserve, just hope I'm smart enough to see it when it gets here.

Like you, I thought I had that, and he would "come around over time" but he hasn't yet, maybe someday, but for whatever reason, he can't be that right now and I can't do the one-sided thing either.

 

Take care and please keep posting, missed you!!

 

Ktz mom

[missy10]

Ktzmom: I'm in the hurt locker today! We ended up having the talk last night. So out of my realm - I'm not good at pushing the envelope and putting my feelings and demands on the line. I totally blind sided him. I told him I don't want it to end but I have to know where I stand - I feel lost, have no idea if we even have a relationship. I told him my heart strings have just gotten too involved and I have gotten so emotionally attached to him. I told him he was very upfront with me from the getgo saying he didn't want a committed relationship yet I can't do the friendship with benefits thing anymore. I leave his house feeling lonely and empty and I hate it. He said he needed time to think which I understand - I just feel bad forcing his had to make a decision he can't make. He told me things that I said why didn't you tell me that before - I need to hear these things now and again. He cried as he hugged and kissed me goodbye. I didn't sleep all night and had a terrible nightmare where he and 3 of his friends were mean to me and avoided me - when I would come around they would take off. I know I have lost him for good.

 

Take Care!

 

Missy

[Ktzmom]

Hi Missy,

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you, and I'm sorry you feel so down right now. Been there....Still there sometimes...

 

I don't think you've lost him for good, he did say he needed time to think, he could have said good riddance. My suggestion is to let him call or contact you. Do NOT mess up like I did, and try to push the issue. I know it is very hard to do when someone means alot to you, but you have to let him sort this out himself.

 

You said he cried as he hugged you goodbye, could be you've come to mean something to him too. Of course my thoughts could be all wrong, but I have not seen too many men cry (genuine) tears over nothing.

 

Hang in there and give it time, I know this has all been said before, but if he is sincere, he will contact you.

 

Ktz mom

[rogueless]

After just reading through your 6 pages that are very similar to my situation, I wanted to add my current outcome. My fellow and I got back together, and he did the same thing again, and again. We haven't dated now in almost a year, and I still miss and love him. I hate him too. His inability to have a stable relationship sux. I was like you. It wasn't like I was pressing for marriage or anything. We were both busy but I thought we had a really good thing going. When I backed off, he came forward, when I came forward he backed off. It was a rollercoaster ride and it was driving me crazy. I finally told him about a year ago, that I loved him but I needed time away to get him out of my heart. Well, he's still in my heart. I tried dating two other guys, but it didn't work. I know if I called him up, we would be back together and apart again in no time. Now all I do is work on how to cope. My advice to you is to keep busy and not to allow yourself to dwell on him for more than 5 minutes at a time. When I realize I'm dwelling on him, I make myself change topics. I figure bills, turn on the comedy channel...anything to divert my attention. It has taken alot of strength to not contact him. In the past I had always given in and called, ending up with another round of heartache. For now, I am single and happy. I would date a nice man if I could find one. However, he has tarnished me. I don't know now if I will ever meet someone that compares. I know it sounds crazy but I would be fine being alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to go through THAT again. Some day maybe I will meet a nice man. Right now I don't care whether I do or not!!! I can actually say, he was enough. I am currently focusing on improving other areas of my life. I am saving to buy a home and I've lost 30 pounds!!! Yipee! Wouldn't it be nice if all men were listed on an internet registry and we could read their dating history prior to committing our hearts and souls? lol

[rogueless]

I forgot to write what I originally meant to post. I tell myself that I am in love with an image, a person that does not exist. I am in love with the man I THOUGHT he was, not the man he actually is...

[missy10]

ktzmom: Well - he came over with his kids today - my son commented Mom I don't think he is going to dump you for good if he brings his kids along. We had a nice long talk.Gave me a chance to see his side a little bit more and try and understand him. The unfortunate thing is I now realize I am dating a man who, like many, doesn't like to open up and share how he feels inside. I said you know us women really hate that as we are clueless as to where we fit into your lives unless you are open and tell us. It was rather interesting though - he went from one extreme of saying he had thought a lot this past year of what it would be like for us to be living together (which I told him I am so not ready for that) to he needs to keep things at an arms length so as not to rush things and get too attached as he has been hurt so badly in 3 past relationships. We have made enough progress today to hop back in the ring (which many will think I'm crazy) but I want nothing else right now. He is good to me and we have a good time and since he understands the fact that I still need to exist in my own life as well - we'll see how things go. At least I'm comfortable enough to confront him now when I really question what is up with us.

 

Have a good week!

 

Missy

[missy10]

rogueless - thank you so much for posting. I may be in your spot one day but I'm still not ready (or to blind) to see the writing on the wall. I, like you, could live out the rest of my life on my own. I enjoy everything about him except his inability to communicate what is in his heart. We'll see what happens until then I will attempt to guard my heart a little more (stop laughing!)

 

Missy10

[heyheymj]

I can't even begin to tell you all how comforting it is to see that others are going through the same thing. Missy10 and all of you have helped me so much. Let me explain.

 

I have known this guy for a number of years. Always interesed, flirted etc but both of us were always dating someone. Finally in April I was on an elevator and he walked in and that was it. We were together ever since. We did have the commitment conversation. He got down on his hands and knees in May and said he wanted this to be exclusive. We went everywhere together. We are two hours apart but we spent weekends etc. In July we went to New Orleans. Had a ball. When we returned he became distant. Said we needed to slow things down. Said that he wasnt ready for marriage etc. I was like what are you talking about. It has gone down hill from there. It is totally over now. I saw him last week and he cried again as usual and said that I needed to be patient. That the point is he loves me and that scares him to death. I havent heard from him since. Have no idea why or how much time he needs. He mentioned that he could spend the rest of his life with me and he has issues. He won't have sex anymore he says he can't do it. I don't know if there is someone else or what the hell is going on. Any suggestions

MJ

[heyheymj]

KTZMom,

 

What is going on now. Are you still talking to him. Does everyone at work still think you are nuts or what?

[breezy]

I just can not figure out why men are non commitable. It happens to me everytime and its not like I am pushing them into something. Its so weird. I always fall for the type that seem on the outside like they have there life together. They are finacially well off, educated, successful men, but then BOOM once we start getting to where we are talking and seeing one another everyday - they freak out. Maybe its the type of men I am going for.

 

Its good to hear that I am not the only woman out there who has gone thru this. I am very professional, make great money, educated, good looks and still have to go thru this B.S.

[heyheymj]

I know what you mean. I am educated, great job, lots of fun etc. I am of course everything he has ever wanted. I am getting letters from his family etc saying that they are just devistated. The thing that kills me is that he never once told me he had a commitment problem. Now granted, it is not the most attractive thing to talk about but at our age 33 me 35 him, you would think that it would come up. I guess he has a pattern of this. What a huge waste of time. I mean I feel like I should send him an invoice with my hourly rate for work to have him repay me for the time I spent with him. What's the point. Every time I see him he just cries. I mean real tears. I thought he was a tough guy but he just seems so upset which makes this more difficult. The cynical side of me thinks he is seeing someone else. If I find that out I of course will want to make a huge scene. Hopefully I won't but then I could definately move on.

[ria305]

hey i'm in a similar situation...i think my guy is a bit gun shy too!!! please read my post ULTIMATUM LETTER and give me your opinions...i'm going nuts!!!

[heyheymj]

rai, I read the letter. I think it is a good one. Have you sent it yet? That really puts things on the line. He may not respond if he just wants to string you along. That is my experience.

 

Let me know

mj

[ria305]

yea i already sent it yesterday, i haven't heard from him yet.

want to hear something...my guy was in a relationship like 3 years ago, he loved this girl very much, he invested lots of money on her (trips, Clothes, etc...) they were living together, so guess what happened?? he comes home one day and finds her in bed with his best friend!!! i read this whole post, i think he might be CP!! but the thing with him is that he doesn't want to let me go but he doesn't want a commitment either so i'm like what the HELL??

everytime i've asked all he says is i need time, i already gave him an ultimatum before this letter, i gave him a week to decide, and he called me after a week with no real anwser, just another excuse, i need time, why are you rushing things....aaaawww i'm tired i'm not going to put up with this crap anymore, this is his last chance, if he doesn't call me with a solid anwser i refuse to speak to him!!!

[ria305]

i know why he hasen't called, because he doesn't know what the hell to say or do...because as i'm starting to realize he has a problem!!!

[heyheymj]

He will never give you a straight answer. That is the problem with these men. I have no idea why they would deny themselves happiness but they do. He will drag it on as long as you let him. That is what mine is doing. I don't think he means any harm but why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free.

[ria305]

Good Morning Ladies!! this is day 3 for me, still no anwser...heyMJ you are right, but i'm not going to allow this situation to continue, i think this what's going to happen:

 

 

15%-he will say YES

 

15%-he will say NO

 

70%-he will call in a couple of more days and act like nothing ever happened, and just say "hey i just called to see how you were doing"

 

but you see my plan is this: i will not pick up his phone call, he most likely will leave me V-mail so after i listen to the V-mail, i'll decide wether to call him back or not, if he says something like what i mentioned above "hey i just called to see how your doing" wrong anwser buddy!!!! if he says something within these line "hey i'm calling because i read your letter and i gave it some thought and i wanted to talk to you about it" only then will he hear from me!!! i will continue to avoid him until i get a straight anwser from him!!!

[heyheymj]

I just sent an email. I guess I have broken down. Havent spoken to him in two weeks since we had dinner. We had a great time, always do but no effort since then. I guess I will eventually wear myself out. We had a major university football game this past weekend. He has never missed one in 25 years, he lives for it. All of a sudden, I find out from his family that he did not come, he decided to go to his lake house. Probably because he took another chick or because he can't face my family. He has to pass our box to get to his seats. Who knows.

[ria305]

i'm trying not to break down, i think i'm doing a good job at it...well it's only been 3 days, maybe it hasen't hit me yet!!! i do admit i been doing a little stalking, i drove by the gym last night and his car was there, later i rode by his house like @ 11 o'clock at night and he was home!! the test of fire will be on sunday though, we go to the same church, you know how everyone stays after service and conversates, well after the service i'm getting my behind in my car and disappearing... well maybe i'll say hi to couple of people and if i have to say hi to him i will, but that's it!! after that i'm outta there, you know i don't want to be rude either, besides church folks have long tongues so i don't want to make it seem like there's anything wrong!!

[moonrae]

Hi there,

 

I've read through this entire thread, and wondered if any of you ladies have any updates? I'm new to this CP thing... It's been a week since our last contact.

 

Some days I'm fine, some I still feel like I've been blindsided by a truck because I never saw it coming. One min he's talking about stuff we'll do this winter, and next summer, and just DAYS before, he put me and my kids on a 2yr track membership.

 

Next thing I know, he doesn't call on his way home from work, or to say goodnight. Avoids my calls for one entire day, and when I go over there to find out what's going on, find out he told his son not to answer the phone.

 

All I got was nothing's wrong. It's not me. It's not us. It's him. He doesn't know what he wants. So, I told him I can't be with someone who doesn't know if he wants to be with me. Especially when NOTHING happened. The next day, he had a new profile up on Yahoo. That of course floored me. There is more to it, but I'll spare you all the details. The breakup went on for a week. Then I had to put my dog down, I went over there drunk because I was upset about ALL of going on, and told him if he wanted me to give up on him, then he just had to tell me. SO... in the typical man telling you what you want to hear when you've pushed it too far tone, he told me I may as well. We kissed and hugged goodbye, and that was that.

 

I haven't heard from him since. Some would say I'm better off, I know. But... *sigh* I guess just like all the rest of you, I thought what we had was great. And I can't believe he faked it. Not for that long. I can't believe he could be that unfeeling, or a player. I spent way too much time with his family and friends, and NO ONE gave me any indication he was like this. He's only had 2 other relationships before me, and the last one ended ugly and damaged him I believe.

 

So, here I sit. His first 'victim' of hit and run. And I still after 2 wks don't know what hit me, and have NO answers.

 

So, I guess I'd like to know if anyone has any updates? How are things going with the rest of you?

 

Thanks for reading.

 

moonrae

[heyheymj]

Moon

 

I am so sorry, it sucks so bad. I hate that you went through that with your dog as well. I had to put mine down and it is bad enough let alone go through this. You will go in different phases. The pain will subside, it will. You just have to live through it. I am half way through my journey. Saw him Saturday with his old girlfriend. THey are back together. He sent me an email that said it was the worst day of his life. Go figure. All of this happens for a reason.

 

Keep posting

MJ

[i2wtbl]

This is a freakin' disease, people! LOL I'm not an active member and I rarely check this discussion board, but the new posts that I've read are... disturbing.

 

For everyone's consolation, it is possible to move on with your life. I have officially ended my cute little drama and at this point I think it's fair to say that it's finally over.

 

You know what they say... what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.