Step mother kicking me out (of home and family)

[UpwardForward]

All I can say at this time is Clair, keep the recorder going! There may be more outbursts as it appears she isn't through.

 

It's up to you when you think is a good time to share (again) w your father.

 

But asap I think you should ask your father permission for a lock on your bedroom door.

 

Unfortunately in situations of abuse they normally remove the child from the home.

 

Your father cannot handle this from his place of business - and she's gone off the deep end.

 

Could you tell me if she works a job?

[Trimmer]

Absolutely take the recording to your Dad. Let him know that she is a liar and her abuse has not stopped. I hate to say this, but can you fight? Don't let her slap you around, defend yourself. As a matter of fact tell her and your Dad the next time she hits you you are going to call the police.

I agree with this in general - you need to go back to your dad until he has a clear view of what her real situation is. And I agree that you need to put up a boundary that the police will get involved in this domestic abuse situation if it happens again.

 

I am less sure of fighting her. Defend yourself, and preferably disengage, but be very careful it does not end up that you land a blow that she could claim is you attacking her. She is NOT rational; don't expect her to act rationally. Your dad does not yet have a clear view of the situation, he is still inclined to believe a view of the situation where it was just a one-time thing and she's going to be all fine now. Please don't put yourself into a situation where she can (irrationally) claim that you attacked her, because I still say that when push comes to shove, you don't know what side everyone is going to come down on.

 

Be careful. Defend if you need to, and withdraw if at all possible. Don't play the game of baiting her to get more evidence. Protect yourself, and go back, alone, to your father. At this point, there's no need - and there will be no benefit - to revealing to her that you have this extra recording capaility. Do show it to your father, but keep it under wraps for now. Be sure you have convinced him that this is a systemic problem, not a one-time thing that can be swept under a rug with an insincere apology.

 

Question: you said you got counseling for previous abuse. Was this from the step-mother? I'm sorry if this is an uncomfortable question, but was any of the abuse from your father? I'm just trying to get a feel for the family dynamic...

[Art_Critic]

Should I go to my dad again? I'm disappointed.

 

Yes.. you should show the new recording to your Dad.. he is on the edge of enlightenment and the new recording will push him over.

She will not stop and needs to be stopped before she hurts you.

 

good for you, you are doing one of the most mature and I'm sure one of the hardest things for anyone to do.

 

Also.. get your Dad to get you a new iPhone.. pronto...

[ms roque]

Uploading it on YouTube is an idea that I haven't thought of.

 

I would only use that as a threat because I am sure you care for your siblings and would not want to hurt them by putting the videos on youtube for the world to see.

[pink_sugar]

You're over 18, right? If so, this is not only abuse, it's assault. If you cannot defend yourself against her, call the police. Go to your dad again, but definitely take photos if she has left any marks or bruises on you. That will get the police involved. You can have your dad listen to this recording and explain to him you will be calling the police next time.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks everyone for comments

 

It's done. I told my dad. Read on please.

 

I went to his office yesterday after he finished work so I was sure we won't be disrupted. I played the tape on his computer and didn't say anything else. He watched it a couple of times, I could say he was beyond shocked when he was watching it and after that he hugged me and told me how sorry he is that I had to go through this. He said he's gonna take care of this and make things right. Cool! He told me the three of us need to have a meeting tonight and we need to solve this between us.

 

I went back home and showed the tape to my brother as well. He was also shocked and although there's not much he could do, I know that he's on my side now and he knows what his mom is.

 

So after dinner, my dad told me and her very calmly to come to the guest's room and there are things that we need to talk about. I played the tape on my phone, I could see her face it was filled with anger and hate as she never saw this coming. Half way through she couldn't take it any longer, she picked it up and threw the phone towards my face. She missed but my phone hit the wall and broke. SHE BROKE MY IPHONE. She cried "you ****ing bitch" while doing so.

 

To make it short, there was a big fight. Dad was angry at her and she was angry at me and she couldn't control herself. So she started crying really hard (that innocent face again). She was saying how unfair it's been that she had to deal with me while it wasn't part of their marriage, how I ruined her plans for their marriage and things like that and I always reminded her of my dad's past sexual life and she hated it. She was saying that she tolerated me all these years because she loves my dad and those kind of stuff.

 

I was very angry that she was playing the innocent one, I shouted that why are you treating me like this? My dad was also angry that she hit me and wanted me out and those kind of stuff... So she said (while crying) she had a tough time and she was tired and she never meant any of those things (again total BS) and she said that she's sorry about those things. She said it is not gonna happen again and she will change and all those stuff.

 

I knew it was all crap, but my dad fell for her lies AGAIN. :mad:

 

So the result was that she is never to insult me again about anything, this is my home as much as it is anyone else's in the family. I told my dad that she is lying again but he wouldn't listen.

 

That's the end for the night, I was sure that this was not over and she's coming for me. I knew that this morning after my dad left for work, the two of us are gonna have some quality time together again. So I took my old phone and placed it somewhere safe to be ready to record, in case she showed up, and she didn't disappoint. She didn't know that I still have (or ever had) this phone.

 

So I hit record when I noticed she's approaching and was prepared to have another fight, I must say, I have never seen her this angry. She started by hitting me and crying all different kinds of insults, she broke some of my stuff and was saying things like "I'll never let a bastard kid destroy my life", "You crossed the line", "Now that your phone is in hell with your mama, you can't record this you spoiled little ****". So, to make it short, there was all kinds of threats and insults again. I recorded this one also, and already showed it to my brother but not to my dad yet.

 

What do you think should I do? My dad didn't take her side but fell for her lies again, like always. My dad really thought that she was sorry and all kinds of stuff. Should I go to my dad again? I'm disappointed.

 

CALL 911. This woman has huge mental issues and needs help. You need to not be there alone in the house with her.

 

I am COMPLETELY diguisted with your dad falling for her lies and manipulations. Does he not see that she never accepted you as her own? Or even accepted you as a loving step daughter? SHE NEEDS anger managment and counselling as well as a night in jail after hitting you. Hello, she's physically abusing you.

 

I am sorry you're going through this. Nobody should have to go through something so awful.

[whichwayisup]

I had thought of doing something like this, but the truth is she is not that kind of person to negotiate or understand. She wants me out no matter what.

 

Anyway it's done and I told my dad, and while he didn't take her side, couldn't believe (or didn't want to believe) that she's been treating me like this for the past few years, not just last night and again fell for her lies.

 

Uploading it on YouTube is an idea that I haven't thought of.

 

You tell him that if she lays a finger on you again, you're calling 911.

 

Your dad loves her and his heart is preventing him from seeing the fu.cked up side of her..He is making a huge mistake by believing her. Or getting her help. Or bringing her to the hospital for an assessment! Her behaviour is NOT normal!

[Trimmer]

Your dad loves her and his heart is preventing him from seeing the fu.cked up side of her..

Read that over and over again. This is crucial to understanding your dad's reactions to the situation.

 

In the end, this whole thing is going to rock his world, like a death or a divorce. You're expecting him to turn on a dime, to completely re-write the image of his family that he's developed over more than a decade. From a psychology point of view, this is going to be a huge shock.

 

His first reaction is going to be to try to fit this new information into the least shocking context that he can. Which very nicely explains his reaction thus far: if he assumes that his wife's outbursts are just a result of transient stress, if she convinces him it was a one-time thing that won't happen again, then he can go on pretty much with an untarnished view of her and of you. By believing this explanation, it leaves him with the least shocking scenario, and leaves his images of his relationships with both you and her basically intact, ready to move forward.

 

While it's unfortunate, and frustrating, and a mistake that he didn't believe and side with you, from a human psychology perspective, it's undertstandable - it's his defense mechanism against the alternative: a huge and probably life-disrupting shock.

 

So you're going to have to continue to work on your father. I will reiterate that he is the hinge on which all of this swings. Go back again, show him the new evidence, explain your hurt and pain, fill him in on the longer-term history, but be rational.

 

You need to understand that as he begins to understand the magnitude of the situation, defense mechanisms will kick in. As before - as any of us will tend to do - he will automatically look for ways to fit the information into his world-view in a way that causes the least trauma. I know you are thinking "why won't he believe me? why won't he take my side?" But if you understand this human tendency to deny and warp information to protect ourselves from such trauma and shock - if you know this going in - it will help you to stay focused, stay rational, and to convince him quietly and with love, of what is truly going on.

 

Something like: "Dad, I know this is a huge shock, and you're having trouble believing it, but I've been suffering for a long time, and I'm asking you to look at the situation clearly. Look at these recordings; look at her behavior when she screamed and threw my phone and tried to hit me. I know you are trying to understand this in a way that doesn't rock our world, but I can't take the abuse any more, and I can't take her coming between you and me any more." Keep on this rational line of reasoning, emapthizing with his difficulty making sense of it.

 

If you understand his difficulty making sense of it all, I think that is more likely to work than getting frustrated at him and just saying "Why won't you believe me?" That doesn't give him anywhere to go.

 

Instead of pushing him into a corner with "Why won't you believe me?", be empathetic and draw him to you and to the truth. Show him your pain from the abuse and from being pushed away from him, and emphasize that you are reaching out to him.

 

Let me address the revenge issue - the idea of doing something back to her to apply pressure like posting your recordings on YouTube. This will have the effect of putting pressure and humiliation on her. Objectively, she may well deserve it, but keep your eye on the prize - you want to affect her behavior somehow, right? You already know that she responds irrationally to pressure, so the likelihood of a NEGATIVE outcome on that path is at least as strong as any hope for even a minimal POSITIVE outcome. Why throw fuel on the fire and aggravate the situation with her? Focus your energy on connecting and working this through your father.

Edited May 27, 2012 by Trimmer

[sally4sara]

That you didn't come to the conclusion of recording her before you were of an adult age might work against you here in finding the resolve you want. I am not blaming you for not recording her earlier, only trying to show you all the factors your father will be faced with.

 

You are going off to college. You are legally an adult. You will be needing to learn to be independent soon. Your 9 and 11 year old siblings, if they are treated well by this awful women, will still want their mother in their life. If she is as nasty to them as she is to you, what they want might have to be denied them for their best interests, but if she does right by them despite being so nasty to you, there isn't much to be done on that front. Your father will have to consider this for his other children's sake. The 16 year old will end up doing whatever, at this point he is old enough to call her out about stuff if he wants, but even with him too, if she treats him well, he will be torn as to what to do since she is his mom.

 

Could a compromise be reach here that would satisfy you? Perhaps school still gets paid and dorm or apartment costs too so you won't be in harms way AND your father doesn't have to divorce this woman? It is unfortunate but if you are her chosen sore spot and she refuses to get help with her anger, you will not have a day's peace in that house without your father splitting up the remaining family to make it right for an adult child who should soon be wanting more freedom. She could very well start using your own tactics against you. You mentioned your dad has money - money I'm sure your step mom has access to. If you are a normal 18 year old girl starting college - you will eff up sometimes and there she will be recording it or worse, paying to put a PI on your ass to watch your every move and take pictures. She sounds sick enough to do it for sure. Would you be willing to move out with your father's monetary help? Its not like she can force you to be excluded from family things without your father helping her do it. And since everyone would be around for family things, she would have less opportunities to be nasty to you without being caught.

 

If you move out, try to keep a schedule with your father for time with him. Lunches together for the two of you or with your other siblings involved. Make sure to keep updated on family vacations or events and make sure he knows you wish to continue to be included.

[turnera]

Did you play the tape for your dad?

[Radu]

I wouldn't show your dad this new recording just yet.

If you do that, she might learn to control it and you will drive it all underground, much harder to detect.

 

Continue recording, record everything and if you end up with bruises and the such go and get examined by police.

Document everything because as you saw, she will open the tears and will get away with it.

 

Documenting this kind of stuff shows a history of this abuse, and you are one lucky girl ... because some in your case would have comitted suicide.

 

In fact, contact a lawyer and drop the info with him, just in case.

[turnera]

Update, please?

 

Did you take pictures of everything she broke? Did you go to the police to show them the bruises and file a report? Did you play the second tape for your dad?

[tman666]

While her assaulting you could definitely be grounds for getting the police involved, you need to understand how the cops are going to be looking at things. Based on your recording, you are not doing anything to deescalate the situation, which is going to work heavily against you. Battling this woman will get you no-where. Do not allow her to hit you, but do your best to avoid engaging her or saying things to escalate her violent tendencies.

 

I am very sorry that you've been treated the way you have. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. My mother grew up in a somewhat similar situation to yours, although her dad (my grandpa) didn't even pretend to take her side of things. She ended up moving out on her own at the age of 17. She worked multiple jobs, paid her rent, and lived like a pauper. Things got better for her though. She married my dad, eventually went back to college at the age of 40, had a family, and had a successful career as a school teacher.

 

While they say that time heals all wounds, I can say with certainty that the emotional trauma she sustained as a result of her home life growing up are still there, even if they are buried deeply. Her road to success and happiness was a long one (because she had no other options), but yours doesn't have to be.

 

You are fortunate in a couple of areas: your dad sounds like he is financially able and willing to support you, and you have the opportunity to go to college. I think that you need to go after the opportunity to move out and go to college. I doubt that the situation with your stepmother will ever improve. How could it? She's told you on multiple occasions now exactly how she feels, and that her sentiments are not a new thing.

 

Remove yourself from this toxic situation. Explain to your dad how you need him to help you (send you to college, pay your room and board, etc.). If you continue to stay under the same roof as your step-mom, you can count on your life continuing to spiral down the crapper.

Edited May 30, 2012 by tman666

[WonderKid]

My opinion, I'd play all the damn tapes--and some. Ain't no way I will let somebody put their hands on me and get away with it. Somebody will know. Whether it is my dad or the police I don't care. She can say what she wants, call me a bitch, slut, whore, or even worse--stupid. But keep your ****ing hands to yourself. Why is that so hard to understand?

Well if she doesn't understand that I would generously help her out.

[freetolove]

Share this with your dad and a lawyer god what an awful bitch.

[2sunny]

Start the recording - but also call the police from the house phone EVERY time she is inappropriate.

 

Since your Dad hasn't taken charge of things - allow the authorities to give her consequences for her bad behavior.

 

This should not be tolerated for one minute longer.

[Desensitized]

If your dad doesn't do something after you show him the second recordings you have, I'd leave. I wouldn't have put up with your step mother's sh*t for as long as you did. That sl*t is trying to essentially kill you. Who knows what she's capable of if she's already doing all of the things she's doing. She could try poisoning you, y'know.

 

Sit your dad down and talk to him. If he doesn't do anything, try leaving your dad and the rest in the past and look for close friends, or other family to live with.

[Trimmer]

If your dad doesn't do something after you show him the second recordings you have, I'd leave. I wouldn't have put up with your step mother's sh*t for as long as you did. That sl*t is trying to essentially kill you. Who knows what she's capable of if she's already doing all of the things she's doing. She could try poisoning you, y'know.

I do worry, when an OP posts a developing and dynamic situation like this one, and then disappears.... Hope she's OK.

[Clair93]

Hi everyone. Thanks for all the comments and supports

 

I do worry, when an OP posts a developing and dynamic situation like this one, and then disappears.... Hope she's OK.

Please don't worry. Things happened but I'm fine. I'll post an update tonight since I don't have much time now. Edited June 1, 2012 by Clair93

[whichwayisup]

Hi everyone. Thanks for all the comments and supports

 

Please don't worry. Things happened but I'm fine. I'll post an update tonight since I don't have much time now.

 

My only advice for now until you update is, carry a recorder around with you at home. Try to make sure that you do not react at all.. let her put her foot her mouth! Rise above the crap she is telling you since now you KNOW she is the crazy one. Any kind of reaction is going to feed her and make things worse. Try not to be alone with her in the house.. For your own protection! And if she ever hits you again, CALL 911.

[Clair93]

Thank you everyone for your support I'm sorry that I have been out of reach, but it wasn't my fault. She cut my laptop's charging cord !!!!!! I visited here to read your posts on my phone but it was difficult to post something. Now I bought a new one. So:

 

First, I bought a sound recorder and carry it with me at all times to record any conversation that I have with her. So for the past few days I've recorded everything.

 

Second, I have not yet showed the new tapes and sound recordings to my dad, not yet.

 

Third, the fights continue. She keeps insulting, threatening and annoying me. Things are getting worse every day. Here is how it's going:

 

The day after my previous update, I went out and bought a very small sound recorder. The same day she told me that her sister is visiting in the afternoon and she doesn't want me to be there when she comes. Her sister is as much of a beast as she is, if not worse. She's also been harassing me and insulting my mom forever. I know that I was the subject of discussion, so I told her that I'd gladly be as far away from her as possible. So I went to the room that they were gonna sit down (they always sit there when they talk about private stuff) and placed the recorder somewhere hidden, and went out. I came back late at night and she was gone, so I took the recorder and listened to their discussion, I had most of it and obviously it was about me.

 

Every single time that they referred to me, it came with an insult to either me or my mom. It sounded like they were both planning this for a very long time. She told her sister what I did and the sister said she didn't expect me (the phrase: a bastard girl) to react this way, and they had to be careful. The sister told her that she should not hit me since I can go to police and they should make it more mental. That was the main point of their discussion. Ever since she has not hit me (except once, that I'll explain).

 

There was something else there, the sister asked her "Have you done any of those things [things that she did to me] while using?", and she said: "No". Does this mean drugs? She certainly doesn't look the type to do drugs. She might have meant alcohol. Any idea?

 

So, she keeps insulting me constantly (and I keep recording them!), she is making it difficult for me to live there, I had a picture of my mom in my room, she took that and placed a note there "Dead Bitch". She stole my diary. She cut the power cord of my laptop, she destroyed some of my favorite clothes, and some similar stuff. She tells me that I cannot eat what she cooks, and I should not join the family for dinners (by choice of course, so she wants everyone including my dad to think I don't want to be there). I have also recorded she telling me these things.

 

When she did that to my mom's photo, I was extremely angry. so I want to her (with the recorder turned on, of course) and said:

 

Me: Why the **** you did that?

Her: Isn't that the truth, you tell me is she not a dead bitch?

Me: Dead maybe, but nowhere near as bitch as you are.

Her: Watch your tone bastard!

Me: You really seem to love the kids seeing a tape they're not supposed to see.

Her: [she garbed my neck and pushed me towards the wall, while being extremely angry] You do that and I swear I'll kill you and you'll see your mama bitch soon and I'll make it look like it was suicide.

Me: [i spit on her face]

 

And she hit the back of my head to the wall really hard. I was dizzy for a few minutes, but she also threatened me more and left. I have that recorded.

 

 

I have enough stuff to go to my dad again. I have tapes of she hitting me, insulting me, strategically planning with her sister against me, threatening to kill me, and many more.

 

So, here's what I think I should do: go to my dad with all the new evidence and see what he does. I don't think she can do her crying game anymore as there is much more than enough evidence that show her true colors. But I'm still afraid that he can't see the truth... I'm confused.

 

BUT I see someone mentioned that she might hire a private investigator, well, can I do that? I know it costs but I have access to money as my dad did some investments in my name last year and profit is being sent to my bank account (of course, she doesn't know or she would have brought that up). It can also figure out if that weird conversation was related to drugs or not.

 

I don't want to involve the police as that's bad for the other kids.

[pteromom]

I have that all recorded. Shall I show this to my dad? I'm worried that it will create much more problems in the future. I have ABSOLUTELY no idea how my dad will react. I'm NOT giving up on my family.

 

YES.

 

The first moment you have time alone with him where she isn't around.

 

You should tell him you want him to listen to something and ask him to not react until it is done playing.

 

See what he says.

 

Either he will be disgusted by her actions and will stand up for you, or he will side with her, in which case you know you have to step away from him emotionally as well.

 

I am so sorry you have gone through this all your life and am sad you grew up without a mother to love you.

[pteromom]

UGH!!!!

 

I just read all your updates.

 

You need to call the police. You have recordings of her assaulting you. Call them. Or better yet, take your recordings and go to the police station.

 

Don't tell yourself it is better for the other kids to do nothing. She is a severely evil person, and even if she is nice to them on the surface, they are learning a lot from her and her actions.

 

Ugh.

[pteromom]

Her: [she garbed my neck and pushed me towards the wall, while being extremely angry] You do that and I swear I'll kill you and you'll see your mama bitch soon and I'll make it look like it was suicide.

Me: [i spit on her face]

 

And she hit the back of my head to the wall really hard. I was dizzy for a few minutes, but she also threatened me more and left. I have that recorded.

 

This alone is enough for an assault charge.

[sally4sara]

As I said before, unless you have concrete reasons to think your other siblings or your father are in jeopardy, your main priority should be entering your adult life and not having to deal with this woman anymore. Otherwise you're seeking revenge and believe me - it is not the path to being happier and will hurt the rest of your family in the process. Don't become HER.

 

If you have your own money I have to wonder why you're not just moving out and away from her. Pushing this to some other end will have only two results:

 

You "win" and the rest of your family is turned upside down and divided. Do you want your other siblings and your dad to hurt because you got hurt?

 

OR

 

You lose and I do mean lose big time. You find your dad will not stand with you and you will spend the rest of your life wondering if his unwillingness to stand with you against her is indicative of how he always felt about you and that THAT somehow goaded her to the way she treats you. Then you will really be alone.