Consolidated Discussion - Paying for Dates

[Negative Nancy]

I think a guy should pay for dates. I like the feeling of being taken care of by a man, and it makes me feel special.

 

I like for the man to pay. I like being treated like a lady.

 

What if the man likes the feeling of being taken care of and feeling special and being treated like a gentleman too? Who is gonna pay then - no one?

 

I'll never understand the American cultural obsession with men having to "prove" their interest by handing over their wallet...

[yongyong]

Guys, what if she was your male friend, would you still pay for it? (you won't get sex)

If you are not going to regret about spending money (damn I dropped $100 on this bxtch and all I got was a kiss on my cheek)

, then go ahead.

If you think, it will increase the chance of banging her by spending money, then I hope it works well.

 

This is what I saw the other day. I started talking to 2 chicks at the bar. A guy one girl knew joined. they all ordered a drink. The girl was trying to tell the waitress, 'put it on my tab'. he volunteered to pay for it. I knew it was a stupid beta move.

I saw the girl he was talking to, going home with another guy.

 

If the pusxy has a price, I will gladly pay for it. However, it doesn't work like that.

[DjinnAgain]

It is still amazing to me how often this gets brought up here, and how seldom it shows up in real life.

 

I have met very few men, friends or dates, where the man does not pay if he is really interested. Make the date a fun, cheap date if it's a financial concern.

 

Or don't pay... it doesn't matter, but also in life, I've met very few women who don't take that as a sign the man is not that interested.

 

It's a choice - I'm not too worried about usually expecting a man to pay (though I bring my own money in case) or hold open doors, or whatever... it works for me.

 

If not paying is not an issue for you and you find exactly what you are looking for, feel free to do it that way, too.

[maybealone]

I like it when a man pays for the first date, and I like it when the first date is not an expensive one. Expensive first dates make me very uncomfortable. Coffee, drinks, pizza -- those are all good first dates for me. I like the second date to also not be expensive, and I like to pay for the second date. After that, dates can get more elaborate because if there is a third date, that probably means we like each other.

[dasein]

It is still amazing to me how often this gets brought up here, and how seldom it shows up in real life.

 

The reason it doesn't come up IRL as much is because 1. there are many men out there who are still laboring under the misconception that paying for women proves their masculinity, and 2. men are concerned about getting slandered as "cheap" in their social groups, so continue the pattern of social extortion, which is all "man pays" really is. There are many women out there who will pick up their phone and start "cheap calling" far and wide the second she feels she didn't get her "due" from a particular guy. It's exactly the same reason you don't see compulsively promiscuous women openly bragging about having sex with 5 different guys a week much IRL.

 

But so what if it doesn't come up IRL? Many issues discussed here don't. Just another form of extortion oft repeated here, "real men don't complain about paying."

Edited June 2, 2012 by dasein

[Vintage79]

I'm a guy, and here's my philosophy. The last one will likely raise some flags:

 

First online date: Split the tab, or else go to a coffee shop, where the bill will be under $10, in which case I'll pay, at least if the other person clearly doesn't make much change. The women that really want to spend time with you generally don't care if it's split.

 

Comment: I've intentionally split bills behind gold diggers back...it's interesting watching their reaction when they get a bill for what they ordered.

 

 

First date if I've known the person for a while: I'll usually pay, but it will generally be a cheap, fun date...like hiking in the mountains, so it gives me a chance to look well prepared if I bring lunch for the two of us.

 

 

Other situations (I'll probably get crap for this): Occasionally I'll pay for some first or second online dates if I think they're really into me and I just want to get it on. One of the sad truths about women is that plenty of them feel obligated to put out if the guy pays...they may have been wanting to split the tab, but once the guy's credit card is onthe table, splitting the bill turns into splitting their legs...

[oaks]

Money is obviously a burden when it comes to dating (if you're actively dating), so what are YOUR ground rules and beliefs on who pays for what?

 

I don't agree with you. It isn't obviously a burden. Indeed, it isn't a burden. There are lots of things to do for first/second/third/etc dates that are cheap or free for anyone who thinks money is a burden in dating.

 

I offer to pay for first dates (although I generally aim to keep the cost down by not doing anything too expensive, but that doesn't rule out dinner) and I graciously accept offers to split the bill. So, don't offer to pay if you aren't sincere, because I will accept!

 

There are far more important things to be worrying about in dating than who pays. Really. And before anyone suggests that I must have money to burn - I haven't earned a penny yet this year.

[GravityMan]

I've been on dates where I've paid, and been on dates where she paid, and been on dates where we went dutch.

 

Neither me nor the women really cared and we didn't make a big deal out of it. Some of those women are still friends with me today, despite the relationship part ultimately not working out for one reason or another.

 

While I generally prefer to pay and will offer...it's silly to make it an issue.

 

If a woman were to make a fuss over paying etiquette, regardless of what her viewpoint is...then we're probably not compatible dating-wise, because the attitude about this is a red flag and a turn-off.

 

I agree fully with threebyfate's first reply in this thread.

[ATrainofAngels]

That's not fair.

 

So just because a woman is young and has this old-school mentality, all of sudden it's princess treatment?

 

 

so it's perfectly okay for you to demand 100% equal treatment in all other aspects of life, yet demand "old school mentality" when it suits you?

 

 

 

A little hypocritical, no?

 

 

 

 

Personally I don't mind paying for the first few dates, but I would like to be equal after that.

Edited June 6, 2012 by ATrainofAngels

[oaks]

I think essentially it has to do with men's insecurity. Men often feel used for money, but women don't feel used as cooks.

 

So whenever men go on dates, they don't want to pay incase she is using him for the free meal. Yet if a man used a woman for a free meal (she cooked him dinner) and then he bails, she isn't going to spend the rest of her life complaining "Oh no, I will NEVER cook for man, how do I know he won't reciprocate?"

 

The comparable action, unfortunately, to men being used as a meal ticket is women being used for sex. At least, that's how it appears based on complaints posted here and elsewhere (and I think some of that is to do with women's insecurity, to tie in with your first paragraph).

 

 

When I started that paragraph I thought I might be advancing the discussion, but, well, probably not. As you were.

[Sanman]

Other situations (I'll probably get crap for this): Occasionally I'll pay for some first or second online dates if I think they're really into me and I just want to get it on. One of the sad truths about women is that plenty of them feel obligated to put out if the guy pays...they may have been wanting to split the tab, but once the guy's credit card is on the table, splitting the bill turns into splitting their legs...

 

The funny thing is that this is a sad truth amongst guys that women really do not understand. Women often think that a guy paying means that he really likes her and often complain about being used for sex or men not committing. However, it is often only after a third date and even sex that men know which of the women they are dating are options. By that point, many men will happily go for the sex since they have time and money invested in the girl. Most guys want something for their cash and will stick around for a bit to get it. Going dutch and being equal means you have less invested and it is easier to leave after a couple of dates.

[Chicago_Guy]

Mine won't be the popular opinion (as usual!) but I think a guy should pay for dates. I like the feeling of being taken care of by a man, and it makes me feel special.

 

I wouldn't personally go out with someone who expected me to pay half, simply because it would be obvious to me that our values and expectations are very different. But I don't see a problem with it for other people, if both agree on it.

 

And no, I am not a "gold digger". I make $$ and have no problem using my $$ in a relationship or for buying something for a man. But when it comes to the dating part, I like for the man to pay. I like being treated like a lady.

 

This type of entitled attitude is precisely why men have learned to limit how much they spend on dates and to avoid dinner dates for as long as possible when they start seeing a woman. It would be reasonable for the man to pay if the woman wasn't seeing anyone else. However, modern women tend to play the field and as a result any man who pays for everything is generally a chump. No man wants to pay for a date only to have the woman leave and hook up with some other guy who didn't pay for anything.

 

Women are rationalizing things here. If they really like the guy, they don't mind paying from themselves at first. However, if they aren't that into the guy, they rationalize rejecting him by claiming that it is because he is cheap, although they did not really want him anyway regardless of whether he paid.

[jennykeith7]

No surprise here, Money can make a huge impact when you are going to date with someone. Some guys want to the great impression with using money in dating.

[musemaj11]

I think rigid gender based dating rules are only prevalent in strongly macho countries such as the Americas and the Middle East. Elsewhere it seems people care less whether the man or the woman pays.

[Leopard]

I'll never understand the American cultural obsession with men having to "prove" their interest by handing over their wallet...

 

You mean how a woman has to prove her interest by opening her legs?

[LittlePrince]

You mean how a woman has to prove her interest by opening her legs?

That does help a woman's case to prove her interest otherwise the rest comes off as a lot of games without something to back it up.

[Sanman]

You mean how a woman has to prove her interest by opening her legs?

 

 

Then, pay for your own dinner and don't open your legs.

 

See how easy that is.

[LittlePrince]

Then, pay for your own dinner and don't open your legs.

 

See how easy that is.

But when you have a meal ticket lying right in your lap how can you not use it?

[HHC]

If I planned that date I would want to pay.

If he planned it I would want to pay half

[Leopard]

That does help a woman's case to prove her interest otherwise the rest comes off as a lot of games without something to back it up.

 

What I mean is that, if a woman doesn't have sex with a guy after a certain period of time, the guy assumes she isn't attracted or doesn't like him, and he gets offended or uninterested.

 

The same applies to a woman who expects a man to pay. If he doesn't pay for her, and she has to pay for herself, she assumes he doesn't like her enough to treat her to dinner, and she is offended and loses interest.

 

It depends on the woman of course, but i'm talking about a woman who thinks the man should pay on the dates. If one day my boyfriend stopped paying for when we go out (I still pay many times because I want to contribute or treat him to something) but I mean if he expects me to pay for myself all of a sudden, I would be extremely offended and would think he wanted the relationship to be over.

[Leopard]

If I planned that date I would want to pay.

If he planned it I would want to pay half

 

But what if he thinks the same way? If he asked you out, he expects to pay for the date. If you offer to pay half, he would feel uncomfortable, kind of like how you would feel uncomfortable if HE paid when YOU planned the date.

 

You have to think in his shoes too.

[musemaj11]

What I mean is that, if a woman doesn't have sex with a guy after a certain period of time, the guy assumes she isn't attracted or doesn't like him, and he gets offended or uninterested.

 

The same applies to a woman who expects a man to pay. If he doesn't pay for her, and she has to pay for herself, she assumes he doesn't like her enough to treat her to dinner, and she is offended and loses interest.

So what you are saying is that its okay for men to give a woman a certain period of time within which she has to put out or else, right?

 

I find it perfectly fair for women to expect men to pay for the first four dates as long as they also accept if men expect women to put out after four dates for example.

 

I think it would make things a lot easier. You know I wine and dine you for four dates and at the end of the fourth one you give me sex. This way EVERYBODY IS HAPPY!

Edited June 10, 2012 by musemaj11

[DontWorryBHappy]

Female here. I will say, without any shame, that if I go out on a first date and the guy asks me to pay or go half or something, BIG BIG TURNOFF! Actually, It's more like game over.

 

We live in a society where there are certain standards. Women are expected to dress nice when they are out with a man, be the primary caregiver of their children (if they have any)... men are expected to be providers, to show a girl that he's man enough to take care of her, and to be a gentleman. Yes, these ideals stem from way back, but there is a reason why many of us still hold on to them.

 

To me, the word "gentleman" will always mean something. It means that a man knows he is the stronger sex physically and is living in a society that favors his gender in many ways (men typically earning higher salaries, no woman presidents, etc), YET, he recognizes that despite all of that... he has a duty to be sensitive, well-mannered, and thoughtful toward women.

 

It always freaks me out when I get to the part of a date when money will be exchanged, because the guy may not know just how much of a dealbreaker it will be if he wants me to pay. I went on a date last night and we were in the line to pay for ice cream. The lady behind the counter asks my date, "Are you separate or together?".. My heart dangled for a moment and my date says, "I'll get it." He's a gentleman. Opened the door for me whenever he had the chance to and when it rained, he offered me the whole umbrella but I obviously got him under it as much as I could.

 

Now that I know he has the capability of being a gentleman, I will offer to pay for future dates. So to be specific, I believe that for the very FIRST date, the man should take the whole tab. I just think a man like that is showing her that he's really interested. And the woman, in turn, should offer to pay in the future because the man has successfully shown that he is interested and is a gentleman.

[musemaj11]

I guess next time I hear a woman complains about women not getting equal pay, I can tell her that thats because men are expected to bear more financial burden.

 

Anyway I think its rather ironic that in a society that supposedly favors them, men get to have to spend more money. That feels very favorable indeed. Lol

Edited June 10, 2012 by musemaj11

[Sanman]

What I mean is that, if a woman doesn't have sex with a guy after a certain period of time, the guy assumes she isn't attracted or doesn't like him, and he gets offended or uninterested.

 

It depends on the woman of course, but i'm talking about a woman who thinks the man should pay on the dates. If one day my boyfriend stopped paying for when we go out (I still pay many times because I want to contribute or treat him to something) but I mean if he expects me to pay for myself all of a sudden, I would be extremely offended and would think he wanted the relationship to be over.

 

You need to talk to the women I have dated because as far as I know, I was not entitled to sex for buying them dinner. If that is true, I will pull up the many credit card statements I have and redeem for them for sex the next time I am single . I may not ever have to worry about sex again.

 

If my gf stopped having sex with me now, I would think that she wanted to break up too. Don't be silly. No one here said that you need to always split things down the middle. Most here (I am sure there are exceptions) would gladly pay for a gf/fiancee/wife. However, we see no reason to waste money on someone who may vaporize into thin air, not be compatible, or is just a plain horrible date. Just as women, in this day and age, are not obligated to sleep with someone until they feel a connection, a man should not be obligated to pay until he feels a connection and does it out generosity of heart.