Author Searchin81 Posted September 3, 2012 Author Share Posted September 3, 2012 umm this isnt an affair. we haven't even met up! everything is by text. how on earth is that an affair lol and its few and far in between.. not like its every day we text. I think we both still have love for each other Link to post Share on other sites
rhw Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 Searchin- let me tell you something about texting. Dangerous! with a capital D in Bold, italicized AND underlined... lol. Example: so, my really close friend Rebound Guy who loves me very much has had a gf since earlier this year. i know her. she knows me. she's very nice. i have no feelings for Rebound Guy, not when i initially thought i did and not now (trying to get over my MM last year, i projected all my feelings for him onto RG. it didn't work but we are very dear friends, like family). he's always been that one friend who can text me at any hour and does, usually if he's up late working or can't sleep. i rarely respond at that hour as i am sleeping. now, usually his texts are of the "i can't stand my job/ my boss sucks.... so much extra work!" variety. or something kinda funny that i get to wake up to in the morning. friend stuff. we are close enough friends that he is my emergency contact at work. and he is very attractive, but i think of him as family, and his two kids as nephews (and treat them as such). so genuinely, no sexual anything going on here. but lately, he texts that he's missing me. ok, well sure i miss him too. haven't had time to see each other in a while. but here's the rub: he has NO business texting me at 3 o clock in the morning to tell me he misses me. he has a gf, one whom i actually like. if she's sleeping and he can't and is up late, there is no reason for him to be telling me "i miss you". i made the mistake of saying, "miss you too" (i mean i do) and to that he replied, "miss you more". wtf?! i will not feed into these kinds of texts. i will not dump him as a friend because his friendship is important to me. but i am stepping really far back and giving this a break. my friend RG texts a lot. it's a slippery slope, Searchin', a veeeerrrryyyy slippery slope. i won't let him do that to her, but more importantly, i will not allow him to do that to me. i'm vulnerable, broken, piecing myself together and he knows that. i won't let him suck me in. my best friend suggested that the next time he texts that he misses me, i just cordially respond "hi, how are you" but not feed into the missing you stuff. i'm guessing something is going on in between him and her and i will not feed into that. i just won't. so yeah, texting can be really dangerous. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 Why is it not an affair? Do you think his wife would think it wasn't an affair? I ask this because the people that always seem to get hurt the most are the ones who convince themselves that they aren't "really" doing this. This. Searchin, you play innocent and you justify everything you do by saying it's out of your hands and there's just a spark between the two of you and you can't help yourself and it's not really an affair..but as LFH says, if his wife found the texts between the two of you..would she agree that it's not an affair? Affairs aren't just about sex, they can be emotional too, and you ARE having an affair with this man. If you're going to do something bad, at least own up to the fact that you're doing something bad and don't try to blame it on circumstance. You are doing this..whatever happens from here is your fault and your MM's fault. There are no extenuating circumstances that are forcing you to text with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 I find it hard to believe its an affair.. i really do. its to infrequent. We haven't touched each other. nor have we talked on the phone Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 I find it hard to believe its an affair.. i really do. its to infrequent. We haven't touched each other. nor have we talked on the phone Your intentions..His intentions..Unresolved feelings. If he showed up at your doorstep right now, what would happen? How would you feel? It may not be an affair, but it's an inappropriate friendship. A friendship that is very harmful towards his marriage and his wife. Reverse the situation..Imagine you married and your husband was texting and flirting, getting his ego stroked by another woman. I'm sure if you found out about it you'd be hurt, feel betrayed and wonder how far things have gone, or worry it might lead to something else. Texting and emailing can bring out feelings, doesn't have to be on the phone or see eachother for that to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 Truth is.. i am still in love with him and there hasn't been a day gone by that i don't think of him. There is so much i wanted to say but i didn't get into anything deep. I wanted to tell him how much I learned and realized since he has been gone I regret ever going NC. He married this person in haste. I don't know what to think of any of it. Please spare me of telling me not to text him again because i lost him once.. and will never do it again. even if it is just friendship He hasn't text me in four days now and I am wondering if he ever will again Your opening post... HE knows this is wrong. He knows that something could happen.. Sorry I can't remember if he's texted you back since this particular post. Anyway, this is what I meant by intentions..it isn't 'just' an innocent or platonic friendship because you are in love with him and want him in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 yes which.. he has text me back since this original post.. its in the thread.. kinda had a tag game going on. We exchanged some very flirty post.. and he tells ends text with "Ill Talk to you later" ect Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 yes which.. he has text me back since this original post.. its in the thread.. kinda had a tag game going on. We exchanged some very flirty post.. and he tells ends text with "Ill Talk to you later" ect Sorry, I forgot..Been a while since I've caught up..:p Okay, so you exchanged flirty texts. Do you kind of agree with my previous post? Inappropriate friendship, with intentions.. May not be an actual full on affair but it is something he is hiding from his wife, his friends, the rest of his family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 I have no idea. he never said if he told anyone. I haven't asked. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 It is an affair. You are doing something wrong. Be a grown up and take responsibility for your actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 I don't feel like i am doing something wrong. Again, there has been no physical contact, nor have i even heard his voice. It was all text. Nor have either of us said "I love You" or anything like that. So i don't feel that it is in affair. And supposing more happened, why should we stop it if its possible there is still love there? Link to post Share on other sites
rhw Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 but it *is*. it's an emotional A. he's not showing these texts to his W. (at least not yet; to cover his own ass, later, it's you who will look look the pursuer even if it's both of you engaging in this). and if he's not showing them, he's *hiding* them. hiding: deception. and it will very likely become a PA. but if you turn a blind eye and insist you're doing nothing wrong, continue. Most As (not all, but most) usually leave a trail of utter devastation in their wake. and the deception alone will drive you out of your mind. don't think it'll affect you? it will. it does. it did to me- incredibly badly. and we had a relationship and we've loved each other for a long, long time. and i'm still here alone and rebuilding while he's off still living his life with the W. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 I don't feel like i am doing something wrong. Again, there has been no physical contact, nor have i even heard his voice. It was all text. Nor have either of us said "I love You" or anything like that. So i don't feel that it is in affair. And supposing more happened, why should we stop it if its possible there is still love there? Because he's married. Unless you want it to be an affair? Or wouldn't you prefer to date him in a proper way, if he divorces? It's hard to be friends with someone you're in love with. Your heart is going to get hurt as time goes along. Also, you focussing on him, hoping and waiting to hear from him is going to prevent you from meeting someone else. You may not feel it's like it's an affair, or could be one, but he *may* feel it is, or at best, an inappropriate friendship that his wife wouldn't be pleased to know about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 Google search the term "emotional affair". My wife's OM tried to convince her that they/she weren't doing anything wrong on the same basis you're using. Then why was it all kept hidden from me? If this isn't an affair...then forward/share those texts with his wife...she won't mind, right? There's your litmus test. If your interaction with him has to be hidden from her in order for it to continue... Link to post Share on other sites
hurting tonight Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 I just went through reading almost this whole thread. It's hard to let go, and glimmer of hope that they may come back, and be yours. Only yours. I went through my inbox this morning, cleaning it out of emails that I wanted to spam. I came across emails from my MM from a couple of months ago, and these flood of emotions came back. Gosh how I still miss him, and just want a hello from him. I wonder what I would do if I heard from him 6 months, a year, 2 years from now. The guy I started dating, we'll see how that goes. He has a similarities to my ex MM. I never intended that. Guard your heart to what ever happens. I wish I could have some sort of a friendship with my exMM that you have with yours. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 umm this isnt an affair. we haven't even met up! everything is by text. how on earth is that an affair lol and its few and far in between.. not like its every day we text. I think we both still have love for each other Uh, if you say there is "something between us", then it IS an affair, an emotional affair. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 I find it hard to believe its an affair. If its not an affair, then there is nothing wrong and you wouldn't be here on this forum telling the story. If we are wrong, you wouldn't be posting on a site like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 well we haven't talked in over a week now.. every time it happens. i wonder how long will be before i hear from him again.. do you think he wonders the same? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 well we haven't talked in over a week now.. every time it happens. i wonder how long will be before i hear from him again.. do you think he wonders the same? How do you feel that you've not heard from him in a week? Is he on your mind a lot? If he wanted to text you, he would. Why is it that you have to wait now until he texts you? Did he tell you last time that he would text you and not to text him? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 well we haven't talked in over a week now.. every time it happens. i wonder how long will be before i hear from him again.. do you think he wonders the same? Hopefully he's talking to his wife instead of you. You are playing with fire, you should really walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 well we haven't talked in over a week now.. every time it happens. i wonder how long will be before i hear from him again.. do you think he wonders the same? Again, he is married. Why does it matter? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 (edited) nope he never told me not to text him. He text me last wee.We text briefly and he made a comment and i never text back. Sometimes he even ended his text with "Talk to you later". I don't want to get in the habit of texting him every day, But im pretty certain if i did, i would get an answer. but yes i think about him everyday. but thats no different.. I have thought of him everyday since we broke up Edited September 4, 2012 by Searchin81 Link to post Share on other sites
SandRat Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 To add; All is fair in love and war. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 why doesnt anyone think its possible that he still might love me? I think if you have been on his mind all this time and he really was in love with you he wouldn't be playing these silly games. He would tell you how he feels. He is trying to decide if he wants to jump in bed with you again but I doubt it is love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 well. he was under the impression that i was never going to talk to him again. He never played any games, he thought we were never going to talk again. He met someone else fast ect. but now we are talking. Im sure takes time to comprehend. We didn't talk for almost 2 years. Link to post Share on other sites
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