LDRs Can Be So Difficult :(

[Professor X]

Today when I was at work, he contacted me. Blamed me his hurt. Which I don't deny. I wondered if I really was an abuser in the relationship. Perhaps I was? Because I was reacting out of emotions a lot.

 

I was going to create a new thread in the abuse section. But just thinking of starting it, and things to write.. is just emotionally draining.

 

This is why you go NC, it just adds confusion to hurt. Nothing was fixed nor changed in this period, so what is the point?

 

Anyway, as for this: "Because I was reacting out of emotions a lot." - you're a woman for Christs sake! OF COURSE you are reacting out of emotions, jeez. Doesn't he know a damn thing about women? He's old enough, he should.

 

Here, let me show you something:

 

I think you should reread this thread of yours again and take that NC seriously.

[ladyabstrused]

This is why you go NC, it just adds confusion to hurt. Nothing was fixed nor changed in this period, so what is the point?

 

Anyway, as for this: "Because I was reacting out of emotions a lot." - you're a woman for Christs sake! OF COURSE you are reacting out of emotions, jeez. Doesn't he know a damn thing about women? He's old enough, he should.

 

Here, let me show you something:

 

I think you should reread this thread of yours again and take that NC seriously.

 

That's funny and very interesting. I've got so much more to learn about people. :\

 

So then is it really okay for women to be reacting emotionally? Though I realise that it wouldn't be very healthy, there has to be some form of a balance somewhere, right?

 

I think when I wanted to do NC initially, I wasn't really sure and the temptations were very strong to just cut that NC rule. I think I'm still at that stage where I'm not too sure of what I'm doing.

 

Is NC really the best option here? How can this be an option if I love him so much? What else could I have done differently or done anything at all to work it out.

 

In saying all that, I realise I'm going backwards. And that is not good, isn't it?

 

I've been having dreams so much lately...and I seldom do when I'm content in life. My dreams are always around when I'm feeling troubled, or depressed or something negative. I'm not sure what to make out of this....does that mean I need to do something to get out of this state or does it mean that this state is a result of what could not be in our relationship and thus I need to leave it alone?

[Professor X]

That's funny and very interesting. I've got so much more to learn about people. :\

 

So then is it really okay for women to be reacting emotionally? Though I realise that it wouldn't be very healthy, there has to be some form of a balance somewhere, right?

Yes, there needs to be balance, but as long as you don't go amok on anyone it's fine, an eruption of emotions is just natural, especially with women. Don't worry to much, you are who you are, and you won't mesh naturally with everyone.

If you think you got some serious issues go seek therapy. But do you honestly think there's something so wrong with you?

 

I think when I wanted to do NC initially, I wasn't really sure and the temptations were very strong to just cut that NC rule. I think I'm still at that stage where I'm not too sure of what I'm doing.

 

Is NC really the best option here? How can this be an option if I love him so much? What else could I have done differently or done anything at all to work it out.

Yes. How can it not be an option? You love him but you're also hurting when you're together, it's like drugs really, think about it, you want it even though you know it's bad for you and when you try to stop, the urge to use it grows even stronger.

You couldn't do anything different, only could be two different persons to begin with, which is kinda unrealistic.

In saying all that, I realise I'm going backwards. And that is not good, isn't it?

No, not quite, but it is normal nonetheless. You backpedle, just like a drug addict who tries to stop. You are trying to convince yourself some of the red flag did not really exist or that they did not matter only because right now you want him. Can't blame you though, it takes a lot of guts to take a huge step like this on your own.

 

I've been having dreams so much lately...and I seldom do when I'm content in life. My dreams are always around when I'm feeling troubled, or depressed or something negative. I'm not sure what to make out of this....does that mean I need to do something to get out of this state or does it mean that this state is a result of what could not be in our relationship and thus I need to leave it alone?

It means you are hurting as you should be. It means you need time to let it all out and it's perfectly normal. Cry it out (just don't forget to have a bottle of water near you and lots of tissues) but keep doing your usual stuff as well, i.e. work, friends, hobbies etc'. It will take a while, but you'll eventually get out of that state of mind.

[ladyabstrused]

Yes, there needs to be balance, but as long as you don't go amok on anyone it's fine, an eruption of emotions is just natural, especially with women. Don't worry to much, you are who you are, and you won't mesh naturally with everyone.

If you think you got some serious issues go seek therapy. But do you honestly think there's something so wrong with you?

 

I admit that there were times he drove me crazy. I don't quite know what it was but something about him really just frustrated me to the core. Or maybe I didn't have the tolerance? But I've always been known to be quite patient and tolerant. Maybe it just never was that way with him cos we were not compatible in that way?

 

The therapist I saw pretty much helped me identify my issues really. And I guess on some parts they did contribute to the craziness in the relationship.

 

He told me before that if it was any other guy, the guy would probably have left me long time ago. I don't talk to any of my guy friends about this because they just find me crazy to be going into a relationship like this. Sometimes I wish I could have a bit more understanding of men.

 

Basically, yeah I do think something is wrong with me. But that's because of my past and I'm just carrying on baggage that seems to be stuck on me. Maybe he was right, that no guy would be able to tolerate my craziness. :\

 

Yes. How can it not be an option? You love him but you're also hurting when you're together, it's like drugs really, think about it, you want it even though you know it's bad for you and when you try to stop, the urge to use it grows even stronger.

You couldn't do anything different, only could be two different persons to begin with, which is kinda unrealistic.

 

Honestly, I feel guilty most of the time doing NC. It's like as though I've caused damage and hurt, and then I do NC and just leave it be. I feel ungrateful and bad. It's as though I don't care about him, but I actually do. I feel like I'm betraying the love I have for him, even if it probably means nothing anymore now.

 

Can't blame you though, it takes a lot of guts to take a huge step like this on your own.

 

My accepting the relationship was not immediate after we discussed things. I actually said I couldn't go that way with him because of a lot of things that are just so different and we believe in different things, although we had corresponding goals and wants in a relationship. Perhaps that first reaction was there for a reason. I changed my mind when he was hurt from my not wanting to go on to another level.

 

It means you are hurting as you should be. It means you need time to let it all out and it's perfectly normal. Cry it out (just don't forget to have a bottle of water near you and lots of tissues) but keep doing your usual stuff as well, i.e. work, friends, hobbies etc'. It will take a while, but you'll eventually get out of that state of mind.

 

I've been crying so much at night. Especially before I go to sleep, the loneliness and thoughts sets in like no other time. At least during the day I can keep myself distracted. But when I go to sleep, I've got nothing else to distract myself.

 

Spending more time with my friends now too help, yes, but just for that moment. I know this is something we all go through after a break-up. But I just can't grasp what the hell is wrong with me sometimes. Was I not appreciative enough? Was I too demanding? Was I too crazy and insecure?

[Professor X]

Spending more time with my friends now too help, yes, but just for that moment. I know this is something we all go through after a break-up. But I just can't grasp what the hell is wrong with me sometimes. Was I not appreciative enough? Was I too demanding? Was I too crazy and insecure?

 

Stop blaming yourself, seriously. He is far from perfect and everyone knows it. The fact he aimed for a a woman half his age is already a huge red flag to begin with. Than all the blame shifting, arguments, inability to understand you. It's NOT only you. You two simply didn't mesh together.

 

And a RS requires more than just the same goals, you know that, right? You need to be able to take the same path, communicate on the same level, respect each other, think about the two of you at the same time and not to put just one of you on a pedestal.

 

You seemed to really care for him, even though you couldn't communicate it to him(2 much of a difference between you two), but that's just life.

 

P.S. "It's like as though I've caused damage and hurt" - you did, but so what? You reached to a point in your RS where it's time you think about "me" rather than "us". Break-ups are rarely peaceful, because the other side wasn't the one to initiate it, so he hadn't had those months prior to it to get used to the idea, to let it sink.

[TMichaels]

Aw, c'mon lady. Get a grip.

 

All I got to say is this guy has done some number on your head. Do you not have any sense of self or self-respect at all?

 

You are who you are. He wants you to be someone else. He got away with molding you into his perfect little girl until something in you snapped. That was your gut speaking that something is not right and it made you uncomfortable.

 

He didn't like that. You're supposed to be his little doll. He's done nothing to change his behavior, but he has laid it on thick that you're the one with the problem: You're too emotional, you're inconsiderate, you're naive, you're a terrible communicator, you're disrespectful to him because you speak to your boss who just happens to be a man, no other man would put up with you, it's all your fault that he's hurt, and on and on and on.

 

Would you tell me please, if you're that big of a loser then why is he wasting his time?

 

Don't tell me it's because he loves you. He's twice your age. He knows he's your first relationship and he knows you're impressionable. You've been in each other's company exactly once. And, he's got more excuses than Carter has liver pills about why the two of you haven't since been able to meet up.

 

But, for the past 4.5 years you have given a middle-aged man an incredible ego boost via your adoring attention, dependance on him, and the fact that he's been able to manipulate you to the point where he has total control over your thoughts and feelings 24 hours a day.

 

Sorry lady, I don't mean to be harsh, but it's time for you "to put your big girl panties on" and quit being the "poor little lost soul" -- one who has no self-identity or self-concept at all except for what someone else wants you to think or believe.

 

Is your relationship with this guy "normal?" No it is not.

 

Does he have your best interests at heart? No he does not.

 

Are you the villain he's made you out to be? No, but he's done a damn good job of making you believe you are.

 

Seriously, don't you find "that kind of love" a bit self-serving and more than just a teensy bit odd?

 

I don't know what your past is or what baggage it is you are carrying, but this guy has tapped into something which is a big reason why he has such a hold on you.

 

I think you need to explore that with a professional because it's not healthy, wise or productive to continue to put yourself through the level of self-flagellation you're engaging in at the moment. And, you also need to understand why exploitation of someone else's vulnerabilities does not equate with love.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[ladyabstrused]

Thanks Prof & TM. You guys always respond to me with such great advice and help.

 

For a day or two there I was actually progressing with NC and it made me feel all right. Then he contacted me and I responded and that has just brought me back to square one. It's true what you all say about going back to where we started with NC if we break it.

 

Somehow I feel like I don't have the answers yet. What if, just what if, I was really the one abusing him and the relationship? What if it wasn't appropriate for me to do certain things in our relationship? What if it was me who damaged us and bring us to this state?

 

The therapist seemed to be in my favour...like she totally understood where I'm coming from and my issues and why I've been feeling this way. At a point of time I felt as though she was being biased and being too hard on him but maybe she was right. But...then something else is toying with my mind about what he had said to me about that therapy session.

 

Don't feel quite at ease talking about the details of my therapy session in public though, I could share these details when I can start to PM. I think I have a lot of questions I'd like to ask you guys for your perspectives and your opinions.

 

I feel bad to do NC honestly though it is probably the best solution right now. How can I just let go of someone I love? Yes, it hurts a lot of times, even just conversing with him. But I'm so confused. I love him..but I feel so dead..about it. So burned out I guess.

 

Yes, for the past 4.5 years being in this relationship, it has managed to mould my mind into a certain way of thinking and it doesn't exactly feel positive...not at the moment. Before it did..but now .. no.

 

Why do I feel like this...like I don't know what to do about this (besides NC...cos I'm having a hard keeping this rule).

[Professor X]

Somehow I feel like I don't have the answers yet. What if, just what if, I was really the one abusing him and the relationship? What if it wasn't appropriate for me to do certain things in our relationship? What if it was me who damaged us and bring us to this state?

Hun, you are WAY to harsh on yourself. So far from what you've shared here I could not find any indication that you were the abusive one. And from the way you express yourself, it doesn't look like you this selfish person you make yourself to be. I think he just did a number on you.

If you want, maybe you could give an example of a typical situation that happened between you two and the way you 2 reacted.

Why do I feel like this...like I don't know what to do about this (besides NC...cos I'm having a hard keeping this rule).

This is your first RS. First time I had to break up with a woman was the hardest thing I did, took for forever to build the courage to do so - basically I was driven to the point of insanity before I was able to do so, and even after, it was not all roses and peaches, I felt bad, really bad.

[ladyabstrused]

Hun, you are WAY to harsh on yourself. So far from what you've shared here I could not find any indication that you were the abusive one. And from the way you express yourself, it doesn't look like you this selfish person you make yourself to be. I think he just did a number on you.

If you want, maybe you could give an example of a typical situation that happened between you two and the way you 2 reacted.

 

This is your first RS. First time I had to break up with a woman was the hardest thing I did, took for forever to build the courage to do so - basically I was driven to the point of insanity before I was able to do so, and even after, it was not all roses and peaches, I felt bad, really bad.

 

There are so many examples I would like some other perspectives on. Okay, for example, when he has troubling or heavy issues that he's facing, he expects me to skip work and be home to be there to talk to him (cos of the opposite timezones). Yes, I agree, at times when he goes through **** I should be there for him. But more than once or twice? Last year I'd do that in a heartbeat, take leave and just stay home for him. But of course every action has consequences. I get warned at work.

 

Now, he sees my job as not important because at the time we had planned for marriage and a future together and how he'll be supporting us with a proper job and that I would be staying home to do wifely things. Sure, I am agreeable to that, but right now I need to earn money cos I'm supporting my own family? Am I suppose to just drop it all off and be irresponsible because my job is not important to us because it won't have any part in our future?

 

This year, I don't do the skipping work much. In fact, I didn't skip work at all. When it came to time I had to get back to work (we talk on my breaks a lot, somtimes even overshooting the time) I go back to work. That is my kind of person, I feel more responsible and at ease cos it's my job. Yes there were times he was going through crap and I went for much longer breaks but it caused me issues at work. Okay we overlooked that.

 

He gets upset, and hurt, and angry that I don't show him enough care. I mean, he expects me to skip work all the time or take longer breaks to tend to him. I know that's important but it seems like I have to do that many times and it's exhausing and affects me at work. These issues also seem to be neverending? I do my best to give him support outside of my work time. But that's not enough?

 

He doesn't like it and says that I put work first before him, even though he said I agree to my job not being important in our future. He says that he used to be my priority but not anymore now, that I've changed. And then I get stressed because all these times before, he doesn't acknowlege that I do sacrifice a lot on my side. He makes it seem like I never do anything for him. So I get emotional, I cry and all that and he would get tired of hearing me cry and get even more hurt cos he says that he's the one who got hurt and I'm blaming him and I'm playing the victim. He says I play mind games a lot, but in all honesty in my heart, I have never ever had mind games crossing my mind towads him.

 

Then sometimes he'd accuse me a lot...and I can't take it. I told him before in the beginning, I can deal with a lot of things from him, but not accusations because I just can't. So then out of emotions, I accuse him back. It's a negative reaction to a negative reaction.

 

Sorry I write too much. This is more like venting. :\

[Professor X]

There are so many examples I would like some other perspectives on. Okay, for example, when he has troubling or heavy issues that he's facing, he expects me to skip work and be home to be there to talk to him (cos of the opposite timezones). Yes, I agree, at times when he goes through **** I should be there for him. But more than once or twice? Last year I'd do that in a heartbeat, take leave and just stay home for him. But of course every action has consequences. I get warned at work.

Leaving once in a while for him is fine, but it can't happen on a regular basis. You got a job, I got a job, and we both know that by doing this you risk losing it. And sure, you'll give that immediate support to his issues (which obviously couldn't wait until when you'd be back home - sarcasm :rolleyes:). SELFISH.

 

Now, he sees my job as not important because at the time we had planned for marriage and a future together and how he'll be supporting us with a proper job and that I would be staying home to do wifely things. Sure, I am agreeable to that, but right now I need to earn money cos I'm supporting my own family? Am I suppose to just drop it all off and be irresponsible because my job is not important to us because it won't have any part in our future?

He is to demanding. 1. You aren't married, nor do you even live together or in the same country - so how can he speak of wifely duties right now!? Who on earth gave him the right to think your job isn't important?! You got yourself to take after and moreover, your family! That is VERY selfish. If he was serious about all those wifely duties, he'd send you money, but he didn't, so how did he think you'll pay your bills in the meanwhile??

 

Another thing. You said he doesn't have a stable job, so what made you think he will all of sudden get one? He has parents to support, right? Why doesn't he get a proper job to support them? It's almost the same if not harder.

 

He gets upset, and hurt, and angry that I don't show him enough care. I mean, he expects me to skip work all the time or take longer breaks to tend to him. I know that's important but it seems like I have to do that many times and it's exhausing and affects me at work. These issues also seem to be neverending? I do my best to give him support outside of my work time. But that's not enough?

It is enough, or should be. He seems way over needy and selfish. Again, not sure how he expects you to support yourself if he doesn't do that.

 

He doesn't like it and says that I put work first before him, even though he said I agree to my job not being important in our future. He says that he used to be my priority but not anymore now, that I've changed. And then I get stressed because all these times before, he doesn't acknowlege that I do sacrifice a lot on my side. He makes it seem like I never do anything for him. So I get emotional, I cry and all that and he would get tired of hearing me cry and get even more hurt cos he says that he's the one who got hurt and I'm blaming him and I'm playing the victim. He says I play mind games a lot, but in all honesty in my heart, I have never ever had mind games crossing my mind towads him.

Honey, you haven't got a clue, have you? I am not sure what to call this monster you just described. Manipulation? Selfishness? Neediness, Clingy? Maybe all of them. But seriously, he manipulates you so much, putting you down, making you feel bad, makes it all about him. He hasn't got a proper job to know that it has its own limitations, hours and that if you're late, your boss won't care as to why all he cares of is that you get there on time and be there for x hours a day.

 

And, as for the mind games, he is the one playing those.

 

This paragraph made me so sad, all the imbalance of your RS is seen here clearly. He demands impossible things from you, and you, instead of standing for yourself and telling him you're doing your best and that if it's not good enough he can find someone else, you cry.

 

Sorry I write too much. This is more like venting. :\

Don't sweat it. But from what I read, all I hear from is him is "me, me, me and more me". You did good breaking from him.

You think you're hurting now? You'd be in a world of hurt if you'd actually move with him and sacrifice all of your future for him.

 

He did some serious numbers on you.

[ladyabstrused]

He is to demanding. 1. You aren't married, nor do you even live together or in the same country - so how can he speak of wifely duties right now!? Who on earth gave him the right to think your job isn't important?! You got yourself to take after and moreover, your family! That is VERY selfish. If he was serious about all those wifely duties, he'd send you money, but he didn't, so how did he think you'll pay your bills in the meanwhile??

 

You really think that's selish of him? I always thought that's the way he thinks and different individuals have different preferences etc.

 

Another thing. You said he doesn't have a stable job, so what made you think he will all of sudden get one? He has parents to support, right? Why doesn't he get a proper job to support them? It's almost the same if not harder.

 

Because he's also attending classes to get certifications so that he could get a stable job. It seems that he really works hard for this..he did admit that he should've done all this back when he was younger but things didn't happen that way in his life.

 

It is enough, or should be. He seems way over needy and selfish. Again, not sure how he expects you to support yourself if he doesn't do that.

 

You really think he is too needy and selfish?

 

He hasn't got a proper job to know that it has its own limitations, hours and that if you're late, your boss won't care as to why all he cares of is that you get there on time and be there for x hours a day.

 

Well he said that he does realise that there are limitations. But why should it matter because my job isn't relevant to our future. Also, he too has work from his classes and he spends a lot of time working as well. He said that if it was in reverse and I need support, he'd skip class for me. But thing is, I'd never have the heart to do that..because I know he has to be in class and focus etc. And I've never done that. :\

 

And, as for the mind games, he is the one playing those.

 

He is?

 

This paragraph made me so sad, all the imbalance of your RS is seen here clearly. He demands impossible things from you, and you, instead of standing for yourself and telling him you're doing your best and that if it's not good enough he can find someone else, you cry.

 

Believe me, many times I tell him that it's the best I can do. That I've tried so hard to suit his needs. I've tried standing up for myself, and that's when he says I'm the bitch from hell, yelling at him and hurting him with my words. It only ends up in him yelling back at me, showing me that he's so hurt by the things I said....and then I give up fighting and just end up emotional. Lately I go straight to being emotional...no point putting up a fight and stressing myself out.

 

There was even a few times, when I told him that I'm doing my best...and he said that my best isn't good enough.

 

You think you're hurting now? You'd be in a world of hurt if you'd actually move with him and sacrifice all of your future for him.

 

He did some serious numbers on you.

 

I wondered about that, what happens if we can never be happy if I choose to stay with him. I can't imagine having to suppress my feelings just to live a peaceful life.

 

Sighs...he did, didn't he. I never used to think things this way. Now it's become....apart of me.

 

Thanks though, Prof.

[Professor X]

You really think that's selish of him? I always thought that's the way he thinks and different individuals have different preferences etc.

It has everything to do with preferences, but so what, he has selfish ones. I wanna hear from you how you think it's humanly possible to take care of yourself AND be there for him in the SECOND he calls you (here boy! come! dog-like much?) AND doing it without having a proper job (cause no1 would hire a girl who flakes like he expects you to) AND without him actually supporting you AND with your plans being that you MAYBE live with him in 4-5 years.

 

 

Because he's also attending classes to get certifications so that he could get a stable job. It seems that he really works hard for this..he did admit that he should've done all this back when he was younger but things didn't happen that way in his life.

So? I have a full time job and I am also attending classes to get certifications and you know something? I live 1.5 hour away from my job and 1 hour away from my class, and the worse part is my job is an hour and half away from my class as well, so it's like I can cover 2 birds with 1 drive (imagine a triangle). it's twice a week, and I spend lots of time driving. I find it hard to believe he has more things to do.

Oh ye, and the amount of homework I get is insane - EASILY 4 hours a day.

 

And I still got a few hours left somehow for friends, myself, family and other stuff.

 

You really think he is too needy and selfish?

Oh yes, 100%, controlling too. When I read it, the only thing that popped in my mind is that he wants a cute Asian little doll to be his servant, not his equal partner.

 

Well he said that he does realise that there are limitations. But why should it matter because my job isn't relevant to our future. Also, he too has work from his classes and he spends a lot of time working as well. He said that if it was in reverse and I need support, he'd skip class for me. But thing is, I'd never have the heart to do that..because I know he has to be in class and focus etc. And I've never done that. :\

Again, being controlling. The way you think is the healthy one. You know he's busy so you try and ease on him. He knows you're busy so he decided to... push your buttons? Make you angry? Put MORE pressure on you? He could of easily wait with his problems until you came back from work. Let's be honest here, what would be different if you'd come the instant he called you or waited a bit? Could you REALLY help him? no...

 

He is?

Oh yes, you don't even have a clue.

 

 

Believe me, many times I tell him that it's the best I can do. That I've tried so hard to suit his needs. I've tried standing up for myself, and that's when he says I'm the bitch from hell, yelling at him and hurting him with my words. It only ends up in him yelling back at me, showing me that he's so hurt by the things I said....and then I give up fighting and just end up emotional. Lately I go straight to being emotional...no point putting up a fight and stressing myself out.

He really called you that? That's borderline of verbal violence, you know that right?

I never in my life cursed any of my SOs, even after we broke up.

 

There was even a few times, when I told him that I'm doing my best...and he said that my best isn't good enough.

He is such a poor little baby. Sorry, but he is manipulating you big time and needy.

 

 

Sighs...he did, didn't he. I never used to think things this way. Now it's become....apart of me.

Sorry hon, but he did, big time But cheer up, just as it became a part of you, it can be detached from you, and be no more.

[ladyabstrused]

It has everything to do with preferences, but so what, he has selfish ones. I wanna hear from you how you think it's humanly possible to take care of yourself AND be there for him in the SECOND he calls you (here boy! come! dog-like much?) AND doing it without having a proper job (cause no1 would hire a girl who flakes like he expects you to) AND without him actually supporting you AND with your plans being that you MAYBE live with him in 4-5 years.

 

I think it is possible but at very stressful conditions. I mean, I know what it's like to have to be at 2 places at once at work and it's really stressful. I didn't take care of myself initially and took care of him and his needs initially. But I think over time, my inner self was wearing down because I haven't been tending me. Thus when I took care of myself more...he found me selfish.

 

Before, we talked about why we were with each other. He asked me why would I want to be with him when he has no money because a lot of women wouldn't want to be with a guy who has not sufficient money or a steady income. I told him that I don't care for money and that was not a reason for me to want to be with somebody.

 

I do realise that it will not function for when a marriage occurs because the guy would have to work and provide. I could never be so sure if he'd have a stable job when we plan to get married at the time, in a way I wanted to motivate and encourage him to keep going to get his certs and so he can get a decent job. That I was with him for good.

 

So? I have a full time job and I am also attending classes to get certifications and you know something? I live 1.5 hour away from my job and 1 hour away from my class, and the worse part is my job is an hour and half away from my class as well, so it's like I can cover 2 birds with 1 drive (imagine a triangle). it's twice a week, and I spend lots of time driving. I find it hard to believe he has more things to do.

Oh ye, and the amount of homework I get is insane - EASILY 4 hours a day.

 

And I still got a few hours left somehow for friends, myself, family and other stuff.

 

Wow. How do you manage? Doesn't it get stressful? Even with my job alone, I have a hard time just trying to take up another language lol.

 

Oh yes, 100%, controlling too. When I read it, the only thing that popped in my mind is that he wants a cute Asian little doll to be his servant, not his equal partner.

 

That's not what he said though when we covered this discussion. I know he didn't feel this way too...consciously. But could it have been part of him which wanted me in that way?

 

Again, being controlling. The way you think is the healthy one. You know he's busy so you try and ease on him. He knows you're busy so he decided to... push your buttons? Make you angry? Put MORE pressure on you? He could of easily wait with his problems until you came back from work. Let's be honest here, what would be different if you'd come the instant he called you or waited a bit? Could you REALLY help him? no...

 

I honestly didn't know how I helped and what difference would it have made or whatever effect there was. He said just the fact that I was there to hear him out and talk to him, it was good enough. But then at times, when I don't talk enough and just mostly hear him out, that causes an issue too because he'd think I wasn't interested in what he had to say. See, sometimes I just don't know which way to go.. I feel like nothing pleases him enough, but he never really admitted this because he said it's not like that and that I think twisted sometimes.

 

He really called you that? That's borderline of verbal violence, you know that right?

I never in my life cursed any of my SOs, even after we broke up.

 

Well guess what? He says I verbally abuse him even more. I have never once thought or said he verbally abuses me. I mean I get upset he curses at me but never saw it as abuse. Everytime I fight back, to stand up for myself or what I do, or how I feel, any bit different tonals (tone of voice that is not calm or composed), he'd say I'm yelling and being harsh....and he'll say I'm the bitch from hell. I can't remember what else he'd call me when he got angry and hurt.

 

I get you. I don't curse at him either. He said I did, but I never would have the heart to do that. He says that when I get nasty mouthed like that, I seldom remember what I say. But I would know, right? I don't know, I tend to doubt myself on this cos when I said I didn't say such a thing, he'd say I forgot or that I'm lying or covering it up and how convenient I could just forget.

 

Sorry hon, but he did, big time But cheer up, just as it became a part of you, it can be detached from you, and be no more.

 

That'll probably take quite some time to detach these things off of me. I don't know how or what I'll do, but I know I don't feel as worthy as I used to be.

 

I'm trying though. Like today, my heart is feeling so heavy and so down. But I'm trying to keep positive. Forcing myself to keep interaction with others help me keep positive cos I have something else to think about.

[Professor X]

I get you. I don't curse at him either. He said I did, but I never would have the heart to do that. He says that when I get nasty mouthed like that, I seldom remember what I say. But I would know, right? I don't know, I tend to doubt myself on this cos when I said I didn't say such a thing, he'd say I forgot or that I'm lying or covering it up and how convenient I could just forget.

 

I will respond better in a while, it's just that I'm now in a rush to class (haha ) But this 1 piece stood out.

 

He tried, and I hope you didn't swallow that pill just yet, to make you believe you go into this trance of amok, this uncontrollable demon that curses to the point where you forget... ???????

I mean, does that even make sense to you?!

Besides, if that was true he'd at least record it so you'd hear it for yourself and get help, every damn PC has a build in recording software.........

That's like the first thing that came to my mind.

 

Than again, some of the times he said you're lying? In which it's easier, cause you know the truth, you know you never hissed a bad word at him, which in return, makes him a liar and a manipulator.

So which is it, you lied or you went amok and forgot? :rolleyes: I hope you see you are in the right here.

 

Aight, have to go, watch some more cat vids, it will cheer you up.

 

P.S. Just wanna say that if he truly loved you, he'd be understanding to your situation and your job and not push you to quit it cause it's unimportant, especially given that you're own your own now.

[Els]

I think it is possible but at very stressful conditions. I mean, I know what it's like to have to be at 2 places at once at work and it's really stressful. I didn't take care of myself initially and took care of him and his needs initially. But I think over time, my inner self was wearing down because I haven't been tending me. Thus when I took care of myself more...he found me selfish.

 

Do you feel that someone who truly loves another person, would WANT to put them through the bolded if they could help it in any way, OP? Would you want him to have to do that?

[ladyabstrused]

He tried, and I hope you didn't swallow that pill just yet, to make you believe you go into this trance of amok, this uncontrollable demon that curses to the point where you forget... ???????

I mean, does that even make sense to you?!

Besides, if that was true he'd at least record it so you'd hear it for yourself and get help, every damn PC has a build in recording software.........

That's like the first thing that came to my mind.

 

Yeah, he mentioned several times that he should have recorded me so that I can hear myself. Well I do not remember cursing at him, but I do remember yelling out of frustration and emotion. Sometimes when I keep my cool, he just doesn't seem to get it. Sometimes I can do that though, when I'm just too exhausted to go through such an event again and again.

 

Than again, some of the times he said you're lying? In which it's easier, cause you know the truth, you know you never hissed a bad word at him, which in return, makes him a liar and a manipulator.

So which is it, you lied or you went amok and forgot? :rolleyes: I hope you see you are in the right here.

 

I honestly believe that he doesn't lie..he's a frank straightforward person who would speak his mind. And he didn't take it well at all when I lied to him once for so long. I know that one was me.

 

Aight, have to go, watch some more cat vids, it will cheer you up.

 

P.S. Just wanna say that if he truly loved you, he'd be understanding to your situation and your job and not push you to quit it cause it's unimportant, especially given that you're own your own now.

 

I would really love to but while I'm on LS, I'm also rushing to meet this deadline tomorrow lol.

 

But can he still love me even though he's not understanding of my needs and feelings and situation?

 

I will respond better in a while, it's just that I'm now in a rush to class (haha ) But this 1 piece stood out.

 

Aww have a good day and good time in class!

[ladyabstrused]

Do you feel that someone who truly loves another person, would WANT to put them through the bolded if they could help it in any way, OP? Would you want him to have to do that?

 

No to both your questions.

 

I don't even have the heart to take up his work time (though sometimes I end up doing that because we end up in arguments and I couldn't just quit the argument cos then he'd think I didn't care) even when I'm feeling troubled. I quell it and then just deal and soon I forget about my own crap. I wouldn't want to put him through more stress because I care and I love him.

 

It should not be that way, this is something I must start working on right?

[Els]

No to both your questions.

 

I don't even have the heart to take up his work time (though sometimes I end up doing that because we end up in arguments and I couldn't just quit the argument cos then he'd think I didn't care) even when I'm feeling troubled. I quell it and then just deal and soon I forget about my own crap. I wouldn't want to put him through more stress because I care and I love him.

 

It should not be that way, this is something I must start working on right?

 

Yes.

 

I'm not sure if it's something you can 'work' on though. I think some things in a R can be worked on because they're due to incompatibility or people just getting a feel for each other, but some things are just a symptom of a greater issue on one side or the other as a whole. You could mention your discomfort to him and see what his response is, but other than that I'm not sure what you can do to 'work on that', barring telling him, and leaving if he continues to persist down this path.

[ladyabstrused]

Yes.

 

I'm not sure if it's something you can 'work' on though. I think some things in a R can be worked on because they're due to incompatibility or people just getting a feel for each other, but some things are just a symptom of a greater issue on one side or the other as a whole. You could mention your discomfort to him and see what his response is, but other than that I'm not sure what you can do to 'work on that', barring telling him, and leaving if he continues to persist down this path.

 

Well, I've somewhat left. It was getting too much for me to take. I tried to do NC but broke that just few days back, because I he was just tellng me how hurt he is by my actions and believes even more so that I never loved him or cared about him because I'm running away from our issues. I don't know, I don't think I want to work anything out with him.

 

Last time I tried, for the billionth time, it just ended up in a blaming and yelling session, hurt on both sides and just emotional stress on my side, I'm sure on his side too but I just couldn't take it. I love him so much yet I can't be enough to him. And then I always question back to myself, maybe I am just not good enough as a person and thus that's why I can't seem to make him happy. :\

[Els]

Oh. Sorry for not having followed this thread in its entirety, I had only read the conversation between you and Professor X.

 

Heal, hon, stay strong, and you'll find a man who doesn't need you to lay down your life for him in the name of 'love'.

[ladyabstrused]

Oh. Sorry for not having followed this thread in its entirety, I had only read the conversation between you and Professor X.

 

Heal, hon, stay strong, and you'll find a man who doesn't need you to lay down your life for him in the name of 'love'.

 

It's okay, Elswyth. I truly appreciate your kind words and advice.

 

Thank you, I'll keep hoping for that.

[Professor X]

So, my class got cancelled after I drove all the way there! waste more than 2 hours.. bah.

 

But here we go:

 

 

Thus when I took care of myself more...he found me selfish.

Oh, that is most likely indeed, however, it's no excuse still. He should of seen how good you treat him before and then when you got a job to understand the pressure you're under and the importance of a stable income for you right now.

 

Wow. How do you manage? Doesn't it get stressful? Even with my job alone, I have a hard time just trying to take up another language lol.

It's hard yes, but I manage somehow, don't know how haha. Gas bills are a b*tch though I pay SO MUCH gas... damn... and I use public transportation when I can and my car when I can't.

 

That's not what he said though when we covered this discussion. I know he didn't feel this way too...consciously. But could it have been part of him which wanted me in that way?

And you think someone would tell you this upfront? Seriously? He'd be shooting his own leg if he did so. While I can't guarantee that he did it on a concious level, I am sure he did it on a subconcious one. I just have no other explanation as to why he got into a RS with someone of your status (not just Asian, but also far away, very young, submissive in nature, easy to manipulate, no life experience, etc etc). You've changed though, a bit, I'll give you that. You took a job and you started to be responsible for yourself and your family (to a degree) and that's great. Probably it helped the friction between you two when he realized you take can care of yourself.

 

 

I honestly didn't know how I helped and what difference would it have made or whatever effect there was. He said just the fact that I was there to hear him out and talk to him, it was good enough. But then at times, when I don't talk enough and just mostly hear him out, that causes an issue too because he'd think I wasn't interested in what he had to say. See, sometimes I just don't know which way to go.. I feel like nothing pleases him enough, but he never really admitted this because he said it's not like that and that I think twisted sometimes.

That's exactly what I was talking about, exactly. You could only give him a listening ear, which is fine, but could be done at any time of the day - easily after you finished worked. Yet he pushed you to skip it, to be late, forced you to extend your breaks unwillingly. Why? To keep you on a tight leash.

 

Well guess what? He says I verbally abuse him even more. I have never once thought or said he verbally abuses me. I mean I get upset he curses at me but never saw it as abuse. Everytime I fight back, to stand up for myself or what I do, or how I feel, any bit different tonals (tone of voice that is not calm or composed), he'd say I'm yelling and being harsh....and he'll say I'm the bitch from hell. I can't remember what else he'd call me when he got angry and hurt.

Of course! how dare you yell at him! he's the man! He can curse you, you can't curse him, you need to bow and kneel while he unleashes his wrath at you and that's how it is, cause you're a woman. :rolleyes: (sarcasm here).

Can't say it surprised me though when you told me that, I mean, so far all I can read is how he puts you down, tell you how you don't care, what a liar you are, what a b*tch and an awful woman.. YET, he said he "loved" you - phhhhhhh-lease.

 

I get you. I don't curse at him either. He said I did, but I never would have the heart to do that. He says that when I get nasty mouthed like that, I seldom remember what I say. But I would know, right? I don't know, I tend to doubt myself on this cos when I said I didn't say such a thing, he'd say I forgot or that I'm lying or covering it up and how convenient I could just forget.

I answered this but than you said:

I honestly believe that he doesn't lie..he's a frank straightforward person who would speak his mind. And he didn't take it well at all when I lied to him once for so long. I know that one was me.

Really, you think he doesn't lie? Oh my, see, he isn't the perfect man you thought he is, because as I wrote before, it's either that you go amok or that he lies, which is it?

 

That'll probably take quite some time to detach these things off of me. I don't know how or what I'll do, but I know I don't feel as worthy as I used to be.

You'll feel better sooner than you think

 

I'm trying though. Like today, my heart is feeling so heavy and so down. But I'm trying to keep positive. Forcing myself to keep interaction with others help me keep positive cos I have something else to think about.

Good, that's very good!

 

But can he still love me even though he's not understanding of my needs and feelings and situation?

No. Simply no.

 

Love is about sharing, caring, understanding, sympathy and so much more. He cannot truly love you if he can't understand your needs and feelings, more-so when he acts so selfishly. Maybe he's in love with himself, who knows, but with you? I doubt it.

Edited August 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[shorty7]

Is the scumbag ex still contacting you?! UGH, tell him to get a life, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Better yet, block him. Serisouly. Don't take his calls, don't read his emails, don't let him back in to your life, ever!

 

So. It's almost peach season and that means...peach cobbler with ice cream! Care to bite?

 

Honestly if dating was easy as cake/pie, it would be so much more fun! I can name half a dozen of them that would be perfectly in season in the next couple of months. Soooo much to look forward to.

 

Go out with some friends ladyabstrused. Please, just find something you enjoy doing something and stop worrying about him, or you, and enjoy yourself. You'll feel so much better.

Take care.

[ladyabstrused]

So, my class got cancelled after I drove all the way there! waste more than 2 hours.. bah.

 

Sorry about that. :\

 

Oh, that is most likely indeed, however, it's no excuse still. He should of seen how good you treat him before and then when you got a job to understand the pressure you're under and the importance of a stable income for you right now.

 

I think he usually saw that I wasn't treating him well enough.

 

It's hard yes, but I manage somehow, don't know how haha. Gas bills are a b*tch though I pay SO MUCH gas... damn... and I use public transportation when I can and my car when I can't.

 

Yikes, I know right! Can't imagine really since you need to travel quite some distance there.

 

You've changed though, a bit, I'll give you that. You took a job and you started to be responsible for yourself and your family (to a degree) and that's great. Probably it helped the friction between you two when he realized you take can care of yourself.

 

When you say I've changed a bit, you mean from the first time I was here tll now? Or did you mean in general in my life?

 

That's exactly what I was talking about, exactly. You could only give him a listening ear, which is fine, but could be done at any time of the day - easily after you finished worked. Yet he pushed you to skip it, to be late, forced you to extend your breaks unwillingly. Why? To keep you on a tight leash.

 

I see. Well I always thought it's because he just has the need to have a companion around cos he always says that he goes through difficult times alone most of the time and as I was his gf, he would want me to be there when he needs someone to talk to. I don't know.

 

Can't say it surprised me though when you told me that, I mean, so far all I can read is how he puts you down, tell you how you don't care, what a liar you are, what a b*tch and an awful woman.. YET, he said he "loved" you - phhhhhhh-lease.

 

That's what I don't get! I keep asking him this many times. If he finds me so bad and feels so miserable being with me, then what's he doing? His answer is always because he loves me.

 

Really, you think he doesn't lie? Oh my, see, he isn't the perfect man you thought he is, because as I wrote before, it's either that you go amok or that he lies, which is it?

 

 

Love is about sharing, caring, understanding, sympathy and so much more. He cannot truly love you if he can't understand your needs and feelings, more-so when he acts so selfishly. Maybe he's in love with himself, who knows, but with you? I doubt it.

 

I thought I was sharing enough, I thought I was caring towards him, understanding and all that...but I've doubted myself now. I don't feel like I do any of those things enough now. Maybe I need to experience differently. I guess I'll have to go out there and socialise and see how it all goes, right. For so long, I've limited my interaction with other people. I am stuck, I guess.

[ladyabstrused]

HEY!! Where is the DO NOT LIKE BUTTON?!:mad:...;)

 

-------------------------------------

 

Sorry about your situation OP. Wake up and grow up.

 

Hello Lil1. Why would you want to unlike that?

 

Thanks for your kind words. Though may I ask, grow up? Wake up, yeah I probably need to wake up and open my eyes and head to see all this crap.

 

But grow up? Am I being childish here with the way I'm feeling or the things I'm saying? Do I not behave the way a 23 year old should behave?