LDRs Can Be So Difficult :(

[Professor X]

Sometimes I wonder, did I take care of him? Yes there was a period of time when I was taking care of myself, you know, enough sleep, proper work schedule etc....but did I take good care of him? He said no.

Blame shifting is typical, kind of a woman's thing lol, but man do that too some times. Manipulation.

 

Lol I didn't know that I am finding out now as we type, so soon? I don't feel like I'm finding anything out really. I'm just here reading on other people's problems and just wandering about aimlessly. Just to kill time.

You are finding out, once the clouds settle down, you will see it more clearly. Now your mind is to focused on the current event, but once you give it some time (can't say how much) - you will see better.

I don't expect you to do much in your life in the next few days, cause you'll still be hurting, but you will get over it, as we all did.

 

AND, you still got us here

[shorty7]

First things first--I'm sorry to see you so heartbroken.

 

But, break ups are like taking out bandaids or waxing...the longer you prolong the "break up" process, the harder it becomes to heal. Do it in quick, swift sweep, and the sting goes away eventually.

 

In your case, it might feel like you're bleeding a little bit for a while since you've got so many memories, but think of it this way: You've got so much more to look forward to. No more agonizing over separation anxiety, no more irritation over missed Skype calls, no more pain over arguments where you don't see eye to eye.

 

And after that, you'll feel a numbing sensation for a while. Food might taste dull, it'll be hard to focus on daily things, it'll feel easier just to slump into a deep sleep to try to forget it all. But one day, you'll wake up,do something completely out of character or just something new to you. Maybe you'll go on a hike or something close by, someplace that was always there but you never got around to, or go out with an old friend you just haven't connected with in a while. You'll do that for a little while, and right when you least expect it--bam. Someone waltzes into your life and before you know it, you feel more yourself and like a brand new person than you ever were with anyone else in your life when you're around them.

 

You'll heal. Stay strong. Block him on every venue he's capable of contacting you on, send everything he gave you back, move if you can afford it (I doubt he'll have the galls or the funds to fly to you to try to fix it, but if you can afford to, a new environment can't hurt), change your number if you have to. You're young and you'll bounce back soon. Don't worry about him, he's got enough to worry about himself and he's a grown man. If he can't take care of his own let alone make you feel like someone that's worth a plane ride every once in a while or a real relationship, then he's not worth all your sorrows.

 

Your wallet might feel a little breezy for a little while (what is it about girls that when we're down, spending money seems to be the only reliable source of pick-me-ups?), but if it helps you even a little bit to feel excited about something new or tomorrow, then go for it.

[whichcraft]

I am also in a long distance relationship and my boyfriend is only 2 hours away from me. Sometimes I think he should come down more often, but it's too much trouble. I am starting to find out that long distance relationships are too much trouble as it doesn't give you the intimacy to enable the relationship to work.

 

Some of the points you listed have nothing to do with being in a long distance relationship. It seems your boyfirend is a controller and for that alone, you should consider if this relationship is that important to you. If he gets mad that you talk to other guys on a non intimate level, then red flags should go up.

 

In my previous marriage (I am divorced now), my boyfriend was controlling and he ended up hitting me and evenually our daughter. You're lucky you are in a long distance relationship for that purpose. Controlling men, I think, just get angry if you don't do what they say. Be careful. I am sure you are the kind of person who deserves better and sometimes you need someone outside your family and friends to tell you to watch yourself.

 

JA aka whichcraft

[Professor X]

Hey, how are you feeling?

[ladyabstrused]

And after that, you'll feel a numbing sensation for a while. Food might taste dull, it'll be hard to focus on daily things, it'll feel easier just to slump into a deep sleep to try to forget it all. But one day, you'll wake up,do something completely out of character or just something new to you. Maybe you'll go on a hike or something close by, someplace that was always there but you never got around to, or go out with an old friend you just haven't connected with in a while. You'll do that for a little while, and right when you least expect it--bam. Someone waltzes into your life and before you know it, you feel more yourself and like a brand new person than you ever were with anyone else in your life when you're around them.

 

Thanks, shorty7. It's comforting to come back on LS and see encouraging posts like yours.

 

Who would want to waltz into a life of a woman who's so messed up? I've spent the past few days since the break thinking about how different I am now than before I met him. I'm a wreck. I feel like I'm emotionally messed up, and though I've done so much better in a lot of areas (thanks to him really), I have a hard time seeing all the good things we've had cos of so much pain.

 

You'll heal. Stay strong. Block him on every venue he's capable of contacting you on, send everything he gave you back, move if you can afford it (I doubt he'll have the galls or the funds to fly to you to try to fix it, but if you can afford to, a new environment can't hurt), change your number if you have to. You're young and you'll bounce back soon. Don't worry about him, he's got enough to worry about himself and he's a grown man. If he can't take care of his own let alone make you feel like someone that's worth a plane ride every once in a while or a real relationship, then he's not worth all your sorrows.

 

I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms or something.

 

The urge to want to text or call him is there. But he's not doing anything. I wonder if he's okay. Maybe he's really hurt by me and that's why he's not trying to contact me. This doesn't usually happen though. (I know it seems as though I've not let go. Sighs..)

 

Your wallet might feel a little breezy for a little while (what is it about girls that when we're down, spending money seems to be the only reliable source of pick-me-ups?), but if it helps you even a little bit to feel excited about something new or tomorrow, then go for it.

 

I kind of went for it already lol. Well I didn't spend much cos I felt guilty soon enough. What did I spend on? Stationery. I cannot tell you how many black and blue and red pens I have bought in the past few days and I have no freaking idea why. Sighs.

 

I'm sighing too much. Literally do...to the point where my colleague commented about it and then that's when I realise I do that a lot lately. The days feel like such a drag. I have no motivation to do anything, not even come online. I think I did for a short while, I wanted to come on here...but I felt so depressed thinking about reading these posts again reminding me of this whole thing. :\

[ladyabstrused]

I am also in a long distance relationship and my boyfriend is only 2 hours away from me. Sometimes I think he should come down more often, but it's too much trouble. I am starting to find out that long distance relationships are too much trouble as it doesn't give you the intimacy to enable the relationship to work.

 

I know, right? There is very limited intimacy. Like I find it's difficult to do it over the phone or online. I used to always dream of holding his hand again every time I was out. Those thoughts...have to go away now.

 

Some of the points you listed have nothing to do with being in a long distance relationship. It seems your boyfirend is a controller and for that alone, you should consider if this relationship is that important to you. If he gets mad that you talk to other guys on a non intimate level, then red flags should go up.

 

It seems that a lot of posters who have replied to this thread says that he's very controlling. I'm wondering though, I'm sure there's a degree of control. Do you guys think he was a controlling person, or a very controlling person or a dangerously controlling person? Is there not a type that's healthy? I always thought that when someone is controlling in a relationship, it means that they care?

 

In my previous marriage (I am divorced now), my boyfriend was controlling and he ended up hitting me and evenually our daughter. You're lucky you are in a long distance relationship for that purpose. Controlling men, I think, just get angry if you don't do what they say. Be careful.

 

I almost saw something similar in him (the hitting part) when I went to visit him but I wondered if it was because he was tired from the amount of work he had to do and then he had to come and tend to me etc. He didn't really hit me....but he was well..kind of but not really? It was just that one time that I saw something quite extreme but ... what am I doing.

 

Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe I'm not.

[ladyabstrused]

Hey, how are you feeling?

 

Aww Prof, thanks for your concern, it's really nice of you to think of me.

 

I'm not doing so great. I'm having mixed feelings all the time. Like one moment I feel like I'm the bad person who's ruined our relationship and hurt him, and then suddenly all those painful times come up and I'm thinking, no way, why am I so stupid, why did I let myself be led into a situation that's way too advanced for myself or too stressful...and then I go back to thinking how grateful I am to have met him....and then I start thinking bad things again.

 

Since the break...I've fallen sick too. I think it's just my spirit..it's just broken now. I can't seem to know what I'm feeling or what I want at this point of time. I ask myself a lot of questions or have a lot of questions in my mind and the only answer that comes out is "I don't know".

 

He's not texting or calling me and that's a bit unusual cos he's not like that. I'm not like that either. I only did it like a month ago when I think I burned out or something. I just have the urge to want to find out if he's okay. I worry about him and just wonder if I've made him get into a bad state. I hope not. :\

 

I'm not okay, Prof. But thanks for asking..I appreciate your concern.

[TMichaels]

He's not texting or calling me and that's a bit unusual cos he's not like that. I'm not like that either. I only did it like a month ago when I think I burned out or something. I just have the urge to want to find out if he's okay. I worry about him and just wonder if I've made him get into a bad state. I hope not. :\

 

He's a big boy and can take care of himself. Time for you to do the same.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[ladyabstrused]

Yeah...you're right, TM.

[Professor X]

Hey, just understand that it's normal what you're going through! you've lived in a dream for so long that it's really hard to let go.

 

Wish I could give you a magic pill to let it all go away, but I can't. Just keep going about your usual stuff, eventually you will tired of crying and feeling weak.

 

He is alright by the way, don't be tempted to make contact with him. He's a grown man, and he can take care of himself. And if he's in a bad state? He's sad I am sure, but again, it's only natural. He is busy, doing his stuff and so should you be.

 

Anyway, give yourself some time, don't be to hard on yourself. It will be a while before you will get yourself straight. Just keep popping here from time to time to let us know how's it going for you

[TMichaels]

I always thought that when someone is controlling in a relationship, it means that they care?

 

Um, no. I think you're a bit confused about that topic. Maybe that's an issue you should explore with your therapist because "controlling" is not a healthy way to show love or care.

 

 

I almost saw something similar in him (the hitting part) when I went to visit him but I wondered if it was because he was tired from the amount of work he had to do and then he had to come and tend to me etc. He didn't really hit me....but he was well..kind of but not really? It was just that one time that I saw something quite extreme but ... what am I doing.

 

Trying to justify his actions and yours. A phase most people go through after a break-up so on one hand, nothing wrong with that.

 

However, it is a problem if you start putting him on a pedestal in an attempt to assuage your own pain and any guilt you may feel because it was your decision to end things. Don't. Live. There.

 

IOW, it's okay to visit this stop in your journey of life but it's not a place where you want to settle down and get comfortable, if you catch my drift.

 

I know you're in a lot of pain and life in general seems pointless right now, but you need to trust others when they've told you it will get better in time.

 

Have you ever heard the saying: If you go to hell, keep on going?" That's exactly what you need to do.

 

Despite the fact you're in hell at the moment, you need to trust you made the right decision and quit doubting yourself. Things will get better in time if you just keep putting one foot in front of each other and give yourself a chance to forgive and heal.

 

It may take weeks, months or even a year or more. But eventually, you'll see a new dawn. And, you'll be a stronger, wiser and happier person because of it. Trust me.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

The days feel like such a drag. I have no motivation to do anything, not even come online. I think I did for a short while, I wanted to come on here...but I felt so depressed thinking about reading these posts again reminding me of this whole thing. :\

 

So, instead of dwelling *on your misfortune* why don't you dwell on someone else's for a while? When you're feeling like crap, one of the best ways to shift your perspective and an appreciation of what you do have is to help someone else who is less fortunate or in pain.

 

Even in Asia, is there not a homeless shelter, food kitchen, some sort of "Big Brother/Big Sister" program in your town that could use some help?

 

Is there a "Meals on Wheels" program or something similar that uses volunteers to deliver food to the elderly or shut-ins?

 

Can you organize or join an activity or donate money or goods to a relief effort of some kind? Volunteer to walk dogs at the local animal shelter?

 

Put all those pens you bought together with some other school supplies and donate them to a program that serves indigent children who don't have/can't afford the basics they need in order to attend school?

 

Yeah, sure... Any/all of the above means getting off your backside and making an effort, but you're sighing all the time because you're spending too much time in your head and dwelling on your break-up is the only thing that's occupying your time and mind.

 

Surely there are people/programs/animals in need where you live and despite the fact you're down in the dumps, believe me, the satisfaction and impact you can make in others' lives will make a difference -- to you and to them.

 

Think about it. Then get up, get out and do something... For someone else.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[ladyabstrused]

He is alright by the way, don't be tempted to make contact with him. He's a grown man, and he can take care of himself. And if he's in a bad state? He's sad I am sure, but again, it's only natural. He is busy, doing his stuff and so should you be.

 

Anyway, give yourself some time, don't be to hard on yourself. It will be a while before you will get yourself straight. Just keep popping here from time to time to let us know how's it going for you

 

Thanks Prof. I do try to get myself busy with my work and all that. But I find myself drifting off into this situation every time I sit down to take a break or stop doing something. I know this must be normal. I guess..I feel like I'm hanging still from this relationship and not entirely cut off. I don't know if it's cos of what he said or if it's just me.

 

I think I'm lost or something. Maybe this has all been too much for me to deal because for so long I feel like it was all going to happen as planned.

 

I had a dream last night where I was running to find a way out...and I was in like a bar/night club? There were many night clubs lol that joined to each other cos as I get out of a door, I find myself in another club. And I keep running to find the way out.... or at a certain point in time I was looking for the ladies room.

 

He most likely thinks that I'm having the time of my life, being happy and whatnot. Sometimes I wish he could just see for himself the things that I do and feel towards him. Maybe then he'd really know that I do love him.

 

Have you ever been in a LDR and feel like you can't show enough of how you feel towards the other person and that no matter what you do, they can't seem to know how much you care or how much you do something for them?

[ladyabstrused]

Um, no. I think you're a bit confused about that topic. Maybe that's an issue you should explore with your therapist because "controlling" is not a healthy way to show love or care.

 

I don't feel like going to my therapist at the moment. I know that I won't get much out of me but tears and the whole session would just be a waste. Think I'll need to straighten up emotionally first before talking to her about all this. The last time I was in there and she asked me this particular question that hit the core of me and I just choked and teared and couldn't speak for a whole half hour.

 

So actually, controlling is not healthy. That's all I need to know first to let that part of my mind be at peace for now.

 

However, it is a problem if you start putting him on a pedestal in an attempt to assuage your own pain and any guilt you may feel because it was your decision to end things. Don't. Live. There.

 

It could have also been his decision to end things too. I'm pretty confused in that area. Even so, I know I shouldn't do that. He wasn't all perfect and I do realise that there were things that I wasn't happy with him about either. Controlling some of the things I do was one....and well at some point I think, I decided to see it as a form of care so that I didn't have to resent him for it or feel like I'm suffering.

 

I know you're in a lot of pain and life in general seems pointless right now, but you need to trust others when they've told you it will get better in time.

 

Have you ever heard the saying: If you go to hell, keep on going?" That's exactly what you need to do.

 

I know. Things will get better. In one way or another.

 

Despite the fact you're in hell at the moment, you need to trust you made the right decision and quit doubting yourself.

 

I'll have to do my best to do this.

 

So, instead of dwelling *on your misfortune* why don't you dwell on someone else's for a while? When you're feeling like crap, one of the best ways to shift your perspective and an appreciation of what you do have is to help someone else who is less fortunate or in pain.

 

I totally agree with this! I've always felt this way since I was like a teenager and had to go through some crap at home..I diverted my focus on other people who needed help and it made me feel better to give what I can and make them feel better.

 

Well in my line of work, let's just say I work with young people a lot who are less fortunate than many other young people everywhere else, I have encountered areas where I think I can contribute to these people in need. Even if it's just to lend a listening ear. I find myself doing more of this lately...and just being there for these young kids. And you're right, I could make use of the stationery I bought for them to use.

 

Yeah, sure... Any/all of the above means getting off your backside and making an effort, but you're sighing all the time because you're spending too much time in your head and dwelling on your break-up is the only thing that's occupying your time and mind.

 

You're right. I guess it's okay to do it for a bit, but not to make it a constant habit. I've to keep pulling myself out of it every time I feel myself falling in too deep.

 

Thanks for your words of advice, TM.

[Professor X]

Thanks Prof. I do try to get myself busy with my work and all that. But I find myself drifting off into this situation every time I sit down to take a break or stop doing something. I know this must be normal. I guess..I feel like I'm hanging still from this relationship and not entirely cut off. I don't know if it's cos of what he said or if it's just me.

It is normal, yes. Think about it, you have been living in a dream for 5 years! That's a lot!

 

He most likely thinks that I'm having the time of my life, being happy and whatnot. Sometimes I wish he could just see for himself the things that I do and feel towards him. Maybe then he'd really know that I do love him.

You can't know for certain, so it's best if you make no assumptions. For all you know he could have the time of his life and he isn't even thinking of you. And, would it really matter if he knew how you feel? Why do you need to show him how you suffer to prove anything. Don't you think that's wrong? Shouldn't showing him your love be enough?? It should of been.

 

[quote=ladyabstrused;401044

Have you ever been in a LDR and feel like you can't show enough of how you feel towards the other person and that no matter what you do, they can't seem to know how much you care or how much you do something for them?

Yes, I have, and in one word it was frustrating. It really can drive you crazy, I know it did make me crazy. Whatever I'd do, it was always bad... I'd want to go out with friends, and I was told how much I don't care to spend time with her (after we spoke for 6 hours before that!) and every day before that for weeks... and she knew I haven't seen my friends in a few months... There's more of course, but all in all, whatever I tried to do, never seemed enough

[ladyabstrused]

Yes, I have, and in one word it was frustrating. It really can drive you crazy, I know it did make me crazy. Whatever I'd do, it was always bad... I'd want to go out with friends, and I was told how much I don't care to spend time with her (after we spoke for 6 hours before that!) and every day before that for weeks... and she knew I haven't seen my friends in a few months... There's more of course, but all in all, whatever I tried to do, never seemed enough

 

That's exactly how it was for me too!! Wow okay I thought he was the only one who was like that! We would like talk every single day, sometimes for hours and hours and then when I say I would like to go out with some friends, he says I don't care about spending time with him. And when I told him that I actually spend so much more time with him than any of my friends, he gets upset. That is so frustrating!

 

But then on some days, he tells me that he encourages me to socialise and learn and to have friends but I ask him, how to? Then it ends up seeming as though I'm the one who doesn't know how to balance things up.

[Professor X]

That's exactly how it was for me too!! Wow okay I thought he was the only one who was like that! We would like talk every single day, sometimes for hours and hours and then when I say I would like to go out with some friends, he says I don't care about spending time with him. And when I told him that I actually spend so much more time with him than any of my friends, he gets upset. That is so frustrating!

 

But then on some days, he tells me that he encourages me to socialise and learn and to have friends but I ask him, how to? Then it ends up seeming as though I'm the one who doesn't know how to balance things up.

 

I understand, I really do feel your pain. It was even worse than this to be honest. I was the one who kept visiting her, like 8 or more times during our RS, she came only once and that was a huge deal as well to convince her. This was also near our end, I think that's what broke me - the thought of needing to convince her so much to come visit me... Mind you, she never actually said no to coming to see me, but she would postpone it numerous times.

[ladyabstrused]

I'm sorry to hear about that. Must've been real frustrating when your SO tells you that they will be coming but never does. :\

[ladyabstrused]

Heartbreaking find...that he's uncontactable. No ringing when I dialled the number.

 

How can it be so quick like that.

[Professor X]

Heartbreaking find...that he's uncontactable. No ringing when I dialled the number.

 

How can it be so quick like that.

 

Why on earth would you wanna contact him??

[ladyabstrused]

I just felt compelled to.

Couldn't resist. I usually do at certain periods of the day...and then I just find myself picking up the phone to dial..and I was somewhat thinking wth am I doing, but then I was also not really thinking.

 

I'm heartbroken..before this I thought he could never do that..even if he remained silent..just never thought he'd just cut all modes of contact from me..like I was nothing to him..for 4.5 years. I feel like my heart's shattered even more now..why is love like this..how could I love someone so much..yet feel so hurt.

 

Were all those nice things he said before..about why he loves me so much..were they all lies..

[Professor X]

I just felt compelled to.

Couldn't resist. I usually do at certain periods of the day...and then I just find myself picking up the phone to dial..and I was somewhat thinking wth am I doing, but then I was also not really thinking.

 

I'm heartbroken..before this I thought he could never do that..even if he remained silent..just never thought he'd just cut all modes of contact from me..like I was nothing to him..for 4.5 years. I feel like my heart's shattered even more now..why is love like this..how could I love someone so much..yet feel so hurt.

 

Were all those nice things he said before..about why he loves me so much..were they all lies..

No, they were not all lies. But than again you never really knew what was going on. You need to not do it again if you wanna move on with your life. Even if you spent a lot of time together in the past, in most cases RS don't turn into friendship... and the best thing to do is to cut all ties.

 

What did you hope to accomplish with that phone call? You wanted to get back? If not, than I urge you not to do so again, not only for yourself, but also for him.

[TMichaels]

Why on earth would you wanna contact him??

 

Second that.

 

OP, read this, this, this, this and this.

 

Then stick to it.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[ladyabstrused]

I just wanted to hear his voice..it kept playing in mind..the things he used to say to me...anything at all..his voice.

 

Honestly I'm not too sure of what I want anymore. My heart is hurting..at first I was feeling emotional...now I'm feeling angry..but I'm starting to feel drained. I just want to close my eyes and stop the tears from rolling out.

 

Before this..since the day we broke up..I guess I was just in shock that I never quite got it to sink in. I think it is going in now. Maybe that's what I needed to see..that it's all gone.

 

Life will go on though right. In the meantime, I'll just have to deal. Like you say, it will get better.

[Professor X]

I just wanted to hear his voice..it kept playing in mind..the things he used to say to me...anything at all..his voice.

 

Honestly I'm not too sure of what I want anymore. My heart is hurting..at first I was feeling emotional...now I'm feeling angry..but I'm starting to feel drained. I just want to close my eyes and stop the tears from rolling out.

 

Before this..since the day we broke up..I guess I was just in shock that I never quite got it to sink in. I think it is going in now. Maybe that's what I needed to see..that it's all gone.

 

Life will go on though right. In the meantime, I'll just have to deal. Like you say, it will get better.

 

It will get better! and let it all out, I am serious, cry as much as you can. Just don't forget to drink! you can dehydrate really quickly! Just keep spamming the forum, it will help you out