standtall Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) From a gal's perspective...No. When you have children, your children come first. Above your spouse. Above yourself. Like Tara said, it's impossible for a man to get it. . And that is exactly why the divorce rate is what it is today, and why the single moms, BS, and divorcee's are the main posters on this forum. My marriage is 100% Bible based and that is that. I put God first, my wife, and then my children..in that order, and if my wife did not feel the same way, then I would not have married her.The foundation of a family is based upon the husband and wife..the mother and father..not the parents relationship with the children. One day all of the kids will be grown and out of the house, and when that happens there is a good chance that a wife who put her children before her husband will reap what they have sown when the man checks out of the marriage. I couldn't disagree more with what you have stated. Edited April 2, 2012 by standtall 5 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Easy to say. Difficult to do. Only when you are put to the test, can you say such things for sure. you may say that is what you believe. If push comes to shove, I wonder if you would be so resolved? I hope you never have to find out. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 I think these days many couples put their careers before everything ... but that's another thread. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 And that is exactly why the divorce rate is what it is today, and why the single moms, BS, and divorcee's are the main posters on this forum. My marriage is 100% Bible based and that is that. I put God first, my wife, and then my children..in that order, and if my wife did not feel the same way, then I would not have married her.The foundation of a family is based upon the husband and wife..the mother and father..not the parents relationship with the children. One day all of the kids will be grown and out of the house, and when that happens there is a good chance that a wife who put her children before her husband will reap what they have sown when the man checks out of the marriage. I couldn't disagree more with what you have stated. that's the ideal, but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way...having children is always a gamble...you roll the dice, and hope for the best...usually, you are lucky, but sometimes, things don't work out the way you would like them to, and you need to try to find a path that is totally not the one you though you'd have... to me, my spouse and children are equals...not religious, so god doesn't figure in there...but for those who are religious, he or she or it does too Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 And that is exactly why the divorce rate is what it is today, and why the single moms, BS, and divorcee's are the main posters on this forum. My marriage is 100% Bible based and that is that. I put God first, my wife, and then my children..in that order, and if my wife did not feel the same way, then I would not have married her.The foundation of a family is based upon the husband and wife..the mother and father..not the parents relationship with the children. One day all of the kids will be grown and out of the house, and when that happens there is a good chance that a wife who put her children before her husband will reap what they have sown when the man checks out of the marriage. I couldn't disagree more with what you have stated. Never thought of this perspective, Christianity-based or otherwise. When a married couple has a child, it takes a significant period of time for the child to develop into a self-sustaining individual. Until that point it's the parent's responsibility to provide the child with what they need - physically, emotionally, intellectually, and whatever other levels you can think of. As the adult who consents to create the child it seems incredibly selfish to, at any point prior to the child being self-sufficient, say that your needs as a self-sustaining adult should precede that of the child. I mean if you have a 10 or 12 year old kid with needs that would compromise (either temporarily or permanently) the health of your marriage, are you saying that you ignore the child to work on your marriage? I feel like I'm misunderstanding something because this reasoning makes no sense to me. I'd like to hear more on this perspective. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 N When a married couple has a child, it takes a significant period of time for the child to develop into a self-sustaining individual. Until that point it's the parent's responsibility to provide the child with what they need - physically, emotionally, intellectually, and whatever other levels you can think of. As the adult who consents to create the child it seems incredibly selfish to, at any point prior to the child being self-sufficient, say that your needs as a self-sustaining adult should precede that of the child. No, I do not agree with this. The assumption in your statement and others is that there is one child involved. I have three children and I have to do what is best for all of their development. I cannot neglect anybody, including my wife, myself, or my marriage to give my undivided attention to 1 child to the detriment of the rest of the family. If parents neglect themselves and their marriage, then the foundation for the rest is undermined. If a mother sacrifices herself for 1 child, emotionally or physically, and she has more than 1 child, where does that leave the other children's development or survival? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenwantsbabywade Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 What if he agrees to try to have a child with you, and, for whatever reason, it doesn't happen? how will you feel then? will you love him because he tried and be able to move on, or do you think that you'll still want a baby? just some stuff to think about Funny that you mention this... I would not resent my husband nor even desire to look for an alternative (i.e. IVF), if getting pregnant the naturaly way doesn't occur. I have resolved myself to the fact that if it isn't meant to be (should a reversal occur), then I am absolutely okay with this. I realize this thread took a bit of a christian relgious turn, which is a bit funny -- considering we are christians (my husband/I) and we also met with our Pastor about this. Our pastor told me to take off the pressure my husband was feeling and also told my husband to pray on it w/out holding tight to his agenda, to truly see if there was a change of heart. I am an honest (non-vindictive/conniving woman, etc) and our pastor understood that I just wanted the opportunity to see if it was meant to be (successful baby)... I have promised my husband, should he do it, and it doesn't work -- then that is that. Superficial/Materialistic bandwagon here we come! --- But if it does work, then I know it was meant to be --- a child that is. I realize people disagree with what I have to say, and I didn't place this post for the viewers to agree or even side with me. It was to gain some perspective. I know I am a good step-mom to my husbands kids, I know I have everyone's best intentions in mind ---- It is unfortunate that my husband and I don't share the same desire for a child, hopefully we will figure it out without it spelling the END to our marriage. Thank you again everyone for your time and responses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenwantsbabywade Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 In the other thread, your husband states: Funny, but it sounds to me as though YOU'RE doing all the work raising HIS kids from a prior marriage. Whose watching his OTHER two while he's off doing all his selfish and expensive hobbies? Oh that's right - he brings along ONE of the three he brought into this word because he's Dad of the Year, leaving you to care for the other two. I'd be curious to know what kind of fool keeps breeding kid after kid with a woman who isn't even capable of raising her own kids once she's divorced? You took this on when you chose to marry him, and you knew he'd had a vasectomy before you said "I Do," so this isn't news to you. It's also pretty apparent the guy thinks it's perfectly fine to let you raise his kids and do all the work while he plays on the weekend. Selfish, much? the 'selfish' comments you write in your post, is the area that i struggle the most with him when it comes to this subject. i love my husband, but i appreciate someone else reading between the lines a bit and telling it like it is. I feel I have been hammered a bit on some of these posts for not being "content" with raising his 3 kids and my 1... As someone put it, "i signed up for the job, so no complaining"... I did sign up for the job, hell I petitioned for the job, but in doing so, shouldn't mean that I signed up for never having kids of my own with the man that I love. Again, my husband did allude that he would be open to the idea.. Reversals are popular, they happen all the time, the success rate under 10 years is quite high.. I have researched this subject (and doctors) for quite sometime now. When my husband married me, he knew I desired to have a baby with him --- I didn't just flip the switch on him one day. Some of the cynical comments are a bit interesting, although I appreciate and respect everyone's opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 the 'selfish' comments you write in your post, is the area that i struggle the most with him when it comes to this subject. i love my husband, but i appreciate someone else reading between the lines a bit and telling it like it is. I feel I have been hammered a bit on some of these posts for not being "content" with raising his 3 kids and my 1... As someone put it, "i signed up for the job, so no complaining"... I did sign up for the job, hell I petitioned for the job, but in doing so, shouldn't mean that I signed up for never having kids of my own with the man that I love. Again, my husband did allude that he would be open to the idea.. Reversals are popular, they happen all the time, the success rate under 10 years is quite high.. I have researched this subject (and doctors) for quite sometime now. When my husband married me, he knew I desired to have a baby with him --- I didn't just flip the switch on him one day. Some of the cynical comments are a bit interesting, although I appreciate and respect everyone's opinion. Hey Jen, your desire for this baby is pretty strong, you have much conviction to develop a bond with this baby. Is it possible that you could unknowingly favor this baby over the other 4 children? A baby automatically gets more attention that self sustaining children, The baby could possibly drive a wedge between you and all 4 of your children, after the novelty of the baby wears off to them. If they see you paying more attention to the baby than to them, well you know, some kids dont care why they arent getting the attention they want, they just get resentful. Did you even ask your kids if they want a lil brother? Does their opinion even count against your biological clock? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenwantsbabywade Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 Hey Jen, your desire for this baby is pretty strong, you have much conviction to develop a bond with this baby. Is it possible that you could unknowingly favor this baby over the other 4 children? A baby automatically gets more attention that self sustaining children, The baby could possibly drive a wedge between you and all 4 of your children, after the novelty of the baby wears off to them. If they see you paying more attention to the baby than to them, well you know, some kids dont care why they arent getting the attention they want, they just get resentful. Did you even ask your kids if they want a lil brother? Does their opinion even count against your biological clock? Valid question. And yes, of course everyone has asked. All kids, except maybe my oldest as she is a teen about out the door for college. All other 3, ask and want a baby, specifically a baby brother. Even the 11 y/o son exclaims he wants a little brother. I have been able to open my heart to 3 kids that arent mine, I would never forget about all 4 of our children only to tend to one. I expect most moms would agree on that, women dont just pick and choose what kid they're going to show favor to. Anyhow, I appreciate your post. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I realize this thread took a bit of a christian relgious turn, which is a bit funny -- considering we are christians (my husband/I) and we also met with our Pastor about this. Our pastor told me to take off the pressure my husband was feeling and also told my husband to pray on it w/out holding tight to his agenda, to truly see if there was a change of heart. I am an honest (non-vindictive/conniving woman, etc) and our pastor understood that I just wanted the opportunity to see if it was meant to be (successful baby)... I have promised my husband, should he do it, and it doesn't work -- then that is that. . Well jen, it sounds like your approaching this in a Christian manner...good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 When my husband married me, he knew I desired to have a baby with him --- I didn't just flip the switch on him one day. Some of the cynical comments are a bit interesting, although I appreciate and respect everyone's opinion. Interesting point. Did you ever give him any indication that you wanted anything OTHER then to have another child? Or did you make your desire quite clear? Have you asked him what he expected to happen in the marriage, knowing that you wanted to have another baby and he did not? Link to post Share on other sites
irin Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I dont think you feel bad for not seeing his children as your own. they have their own mother (shes still alive) and it wouldn't be right for you or anyone to take that place. i dont understand why they dont have shared custody? btw your husband sound way more selfish then you. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 And that is exactly why the divorce rate is what it is today, and why the single moms, BS, and divorcee's are the main posters on this forum. My marriage is 100% Bible based and that is that. I put God first, my wife, and then my children..in that order, and if my wife did not feel the same way, then I would not have married her.The foundation of a family is based upon the husband and wife..the mother and father..not the parents relationship with the children. One day all of the kids will be grown and out of the house, and when that happens there is a good chance that a wife who put her children before her husband will reap what they have sown when the man checks out of the marriage. I couldn't disagree more with what you have stated. While I 100% agree with the bolded, I disagree with the statement that lack of a covenant marriage is the whole reason for divorce. But rather the selfish flesh of (wo) man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenwantsbabywade Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 Thank you for your response Irin. I get on my husband for being selfish, you inly have to read his posts to hear the exclamation between the lines, "me,me,me!". He is unfortunately, just unable to see/hear how selfish he has been in his own mindset. Now I am not alluding that him not wanting to have a child with me must mean he is selfish, I am simply referring to his overly insensitive comments about his time, his hobbies, lack of sex, etc. I was hurt by his post comments when he said lack of sex, then later referenced because I found out about his post he just wouldnt get sex anytime soon. It was the first real* time I saw just how insensitive/selfiah he can be. He said he dis the post to get ALL sides on how he views the situation, but the way he writes his post is as if I am some overbearing, manipulative, game playing controlling type of wife. I have helped him alot and needless to say our marriage has been a bit soured by his posts and continuous insensitivity and selfish mindset. To answer your other question, we have full custody because his ex cheated multiple times (during their marriage) and the last infedelity resulted in a baby with the other man, whom she has also now married. She desired to move out of state to be closer to family and we werent going to also move, so she chose the summer visits with her kids and the move back east. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenwantsbabywade Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 (edited) Thank you for your response Irin. I get on my husband for being selfish, you inly have to read his posts to hear the exclamation between the lines, "me,me,me!". He is unfortunately, just unable to see/hear how selfish he has been in his own mindset. Now I am not alluding that him not wanting to have a child with me must mean he is selfish, I am simply referring to his overly insensitive comments about his time, his hobbies, lack of sex, etc. I was hurt by his post comments when he said lack of sex, then later referenced because I found out about his post he just wouldnt get sex anytime soon. It was the first real* time I saw just how insensitive/selfiah he can be. He said he dis the post to get ALL sides on how he views the situation, but the way he writes his post is as if I am some overbearing, manipulative, game playing controlling type of wife. I have helped him alot and needless to say our marriage has been a bit soured by his posts and continuous insensitivity and selfish mindset. To answer your other question, we have full custody because his ex cheated multiple times (during their marriage) and the last infedelity resulted in a baby with the other man, whom she has also now married. She desired to move out of state to be closer to family and we werent going to also move, so she chose the summer visits with her kids and the move back east. By the way, regarding the lack of sex comment... I don't know what women that are up for sex with a man that shows no care or love towards his wife. I find it amazing when men complain about the lack of sex, its the same way women complain about the lack of emotional depth a man shows. Typically, they go hand in hand. When I feel emotionally close to you, I desire to also be physically close with you. Why that isnt comprehended by my husband or other men is besides me. Edited April 3, 2012 by jenwantsbabywade Misspellings 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 No, I do not agree with this. The assumption in your statement and others is that there is one child involved. I have three children and I have to do what is best for all of their development. I cannot neglect anybody, including my wife, myself, or my marriage to give my undivided attention to 1 child to the detriment of the rest of the family. If parents neglect themselves and their marriage, then the foundation for the rest is undermined. If a mother sacrifices herself for 1 child, emotionally or physically, and she has more than 1 child, where does that leave the other children's development or survival? Ah. Yes I was reasoning with the assumption that there is only one child. With multiple children, I can understand the shift in perspective. Thank you for clarifying. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 By the way, regarding the lack of sex comment... I don't know what women that are up for sex with a man that shows no care or love towards his wife. I find it amazing when men complain about the lack of sex, its the same way women complain about the lack of emotional depth a man shows. Typically, they go hand in hand. When I feel emotionally close to you, I desire to also be physically close with you. Why that isnt comprehended by my husband or other men is besides me. This is very true. In order for a woman to want sex in a long-term relationship, she needs to feel: - cherished - accepted for who she is - understood and appreciated - like her needs are being met too And never underestimate the power of "first-date" style flirting. Meaning innocent, non-sexual-based flirting that just builds tension and makes you feel alive. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 (edited) By the way, regarding the lack of sex comment... I don't know what women that are up for sex with a man that shows no care or love towards his wife. I find it amazing when men complain about the lack of sex, its the same way women complain about the lack of emotional depth a man shows. Typically, they go hand in hand. When I feel emotionally close to you, I desire to also be physically close with you. Why that isnt comprehended by my husband or other men is besides me. Its because alot of women get so wrapped up in a newborn that the man gets kicked to the side. They might lose libedo, there might be other issues that arent communicated with their husband. If there isnt a baby involved, then theres just trouble. Maybe your husbands ex wife was obsessed with his children each time they were newborn, and he never got sex from her for two years around each of them. He doesnt want to even risk going through that again. He wants to enjoy you and enjoy your life together as it is, without extra unnecessary work. It could be selfish, but he went through it three times, and for him, there will never be that bond between a new baby and you two as you see it. You might see his remarks as insensitive, but you should see it as him being candid. That was an open window to his honesty that spells out how he sees a newborn as a nightmare at this time of his life. He probably told you all of this in a different way, but you might not have heard him, as he might feel he couldnt be this candid with you. So I think you shouldnt be offended by it, maybe chalk it up to oversensitivity because of the desire for this baby. I mean based on the way both of you describe you, you come across to me as a woman who doesnt need things sugar coated. Some people see it as selfish that he wants these material things, but I can understand him, as he just wants to live life before he gets too old. You only live life once, and he doesnt want to live it raising anymore children. I think that if you agree to leave the child idea alone, I'm sure he will make it up to you by living life to the fullest outside the house, without a baby tethering you to the home. BTW your consideration to give up the dream of a baby to keep your marriage intact is quite admirable. I personally think it would be the better decision, but only if he is the most amazing guy in the world to you. Edited April 3, 2012 by Eddie Edirol Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenwantsbabywade Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 (edited) thanks Eddie for your response... all the insight has been valuable that everyone has provided thus far. I can't express my appreciation enough for everyone's candidness. It is helpful. Thanks again. Edited April 4, 2012 by jenwantsbabywade missed a word Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 (edited) All this nonsense about "blood" and family are a slap in the face to families who chose their children by adopting them. And sometimes children bond with their step parents more than with their biological parents although with your attitude I doubt that will happen with your stepkids. Blood doesn't guarantee a damn thing. Edited April 4, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Unnecessary and personal Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenwantsbabywade Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 I respectfully disagree with you FitChick. I find it absurd just because I desire a natural baby with my husband that automatically that means I don't cherish my step-children. I came from a step-family, I am keenly aware of the outsider feelings a step-child may have. All 3 of my step-children also have expressed their desire for us to have a baby, this isn't my bulldozing initiative. If everyone in the household was against the idea, then I would have to really consider all options/feelings, etc. Anyhow, I appreciate the time you took to express your opinion but it doesn't apply to my family. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Well, anyway - before your marriage, he alluded that he would be 'open' to a reversal. He did not assure you that he WOULD have a reversal if you wanted to have a baby. You chose to marry a man who had 3 children already and had chosen to have a vasectomy. Now you are bringing all of his general selfishness into the discussion. It sounds like a valid issue that needs addressing, but I don't think it's conducive to resolving your problems for you to include the baby question with all of that. Bottom line - if he REALLY does not want to have another child, it probably would not be positive for your marriage or the family for you to "win" this power struggle. Even though I totally understand your emotions about wanting this, I have to take his side a little more than your side in this, because you KNEW he had fathered 3 and had a "permanent" procedure to prevent any more kids when you chose him to be your husband. His "allusions" to being open to a reversal were not something for you to count on. So, I think you have to accept this and move forward, without resenting your husband for sticking with his decision (that you tacitly accepted by marrying him). Or, if you really need to bear and raise another child or you'll never be happy, you might be finished with this marriage. You will never have a good marriage again if this lack you feel is always between you and your husband. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenwantsbabywade Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 Again, appreciate your insight. I am not into who is right and who is wrong. Thats not what it is about. As far as discussing my husbands selfishness, which he is generally selfish, stemmed from his insenitive remarks on his post that others reading picked up on. I have no desire to bash my husband and I don't believe I have. Again, if my husband said he would never ir wouldnt even consider a reversal I would not have married him. I dont think it is cookie cutter as you make it out to be. Anyhow, thanks again for your time to respond to my post. Link to post Share on other sites
irin Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 i completely understand, but now i think there maybe more issues in your marriage then just children. i cant say thing about you husband, but ill say this you as an individual, when your 60 years old and look back in your life would it be worth for you to miss on the chance of having all the children you wanted for the sake, regular sex, and hobbies of man that is not very considered of needs? if you can be content with that, then fine, but i think this one of those thing that time based and needs to be done in life, so you dont grow resentful, bitter, and have regrets, what if your marriage failed in a few years, would be it worth it then? any ways all the luck hope you can find a way to have babies! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts