jenwantsbabywade Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 (edited) I am married to a man that had a vasectomy in his previous marriage as he was done at 3 kids (5, 9, and 11) and I have one child that I had when I was 18, she is 15 now. We have full custody of his 3; however they still talk and see their mom every few months (she resides out of state). Nonetheless, I'm the stand-in mom, all the work you could say but not so much of the credit. I love his kids but also desire to have an 'our' baby. I want the bond connection with him, something that unifies our family. I feel it deep within my soul and I get so emotionally sad when I feel like it's never going to happen. He has no desire to ever have a child again, he went through allot with his previous ex and I expect he fears the same thing will happen (i.e. he does everything, diaper changing, doc appointments, etc and I might just lay there helpless). I have always wanted another child, I have always desired to raise a child in a two parent household since I did not have that when I was younger and I was young and not so smart doing the 18 & pregnant thing. My daughter’s father also died when she was 18 months and I was just too young to not appreciate all the steps of having a baby, raising one, etc. Nevertheless, I am 33 now, more mature, I am a professional, and both of us make good money so there aren’t financial concerns. People ask, “well didn't you two discuss this before getting married?" -- Well we did. He alluded that he would be 'open' to the idea of a reversal and I was so in love with him, that in retrospect, I suppose I deluded myself that if he really loved me, well of course he'd want a baby with me too. Well surprise surprise... my husband has no desire to procreate with me. He has no aspirations to be a father to a child that is truly "ours"... I tear up when I feel the reality sinking in that I really may just never have a baby like I always imagined I would. It pains me so much when I hear him talk to his kids and reference things when they were little or a baby, I don't get to share in any of those memories and I'll never have a child with him that we can reminiscence over together in our old age. We are both pretty unique people, we have a lot of great personality traits -- we're not too shabby looking (haha), so our child would be just a cool little mini package of us. My husband is a good dad, he does have ADD, so apart from going from one shiny object to the next, he does have a heart of gold and would move mountains for his children. I am so scared that the reality may come that either I have to give up having a baby, or give up the man that I love. Most areas in our life are pretty good but the baby topic has had us at some major cross roads lately. He is hard core stubborn in his stance of never wanting a child and all I can think about is how lucky everyone else that is pregnant and expecting. I am pretty sad and it’s clear it’s “my issue” that I must deal with alone. My husband actually recommended I get a counselor to deal with my “unresolved issues”. I feel so alone in this, its paralyzing at times. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about a 'baby wade' in the household, and the idea of having to give up either the man I love, or my desire to have a baby with my husband brings me to tears. (I’m not an emotional crazy chick; I’m not a crybaby... I hold back much of my tears). I feel like if he loved me, he'd want to make this come true for me... especially because I have helped him so much with his 3 kids... But it's like I'm shamed for feeling or thinking that way. I'm not asking for a reward for helping him get full custody of his kids (which I did in more ways than just paying for the lawyer), or for being the mom role model they need at this time. I enjoy his kids, they are mini him’s so it makes for good stories and laughing around our house, but this also only encourages my thoughts that I'd like a child to raise together that is ours. Am I such a selfish person to desire this? Am I the crazy wife that is asking allot of her husband because he already has his own 3 kids? He is pretty set in his ways, so the likelihood he will have an epiphany one day that he will all the sudden desire to have a baby with me, or at the very least, willing to do the reversal to just 'see' if it's meant to be or not is quite unlikely.. He is pretty stubborn when it comes to this subject. I feel terrible that I'm at this cross road.... I have promised not to bring up the baby topic again for another 6 months to remove all pressure from him that he states he has been feeling, so I'm not allowed to bring up anything baby related until September. In my heart, I know September will come and go there will be no change, only a big topic still left unaddressed with even more emotion wrapped up into it. The big elephant in the room of course is, I do feel my biological clock is ticking and I am battling with frustration, moments of resentment, and pure sadness that I truly may 'clock' myself out where I wouldn't be able to conceive anyway if he miraculously does have a change of heart. How do I process through all of these feelings w/out losing my husband in the process? How do I give up my dream to have this baby - when I desire it so much I can taste it? It should be noted that I support my husband in many ways, i.e. support his multiple hobbies (golf – we pay a $400/month membership to a golf country club so he can golf free as much as he’d like), he is now a “jeeper”, so parts this and parts that. He also enjoys guitar this, hunting/fishing that, weekend getaway here/there, etc. Whatever he needs/wants, he really does get. I don't feel I have alot of the same needs, I don’t have a need for so many ‘shiny objects’ in my life. Bottom line, I’m really not the wife that is looking to hold my husband back....but why do I feel like I’m not receiving the same consideration? I feel my situation is essentially hopeless and sad... and I feel entirely alone to deal with this myself. Anyways, thank you for reading... I realize it was a novel. Either way, it helped for me to vent/express some of my feelings. Edited March 31, 2012 by jenwantsbabywade title of thread cut off Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Umm... Is this your husband? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/319670-wife-wants-another-baby-i-absolutely-do-not-theres-more 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenwantsbabywade Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Oh boy. Yes. It's a bit interesting I suppose to see the "her side/his side", esp considering the level of emotion my husband interjected into his post. Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 *Grabs popcorn and sits on a beanbag* 8 Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Umm... Is this your husband? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/319670-wife-wants-another-baby-i-absolutely-do-not-theres-more I was about to ask the same. This is like live action at the marriage counselor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Why'd you marry a man who couldn't have kids? Did you just now change your mind big time? I mean you're alloud. Look if you really changed your mind on this issue You'll have to get divorced if he is refusing. No gaurantee you'll find another man and get married in time so you could end up childless anyways unless you choose a sperm donor. Although maybe it would bring hope back into your life if this is now a dream you must have. Do what is best for you! Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 (edited) Both parties have to agree to this. It's too important to be any other way. You're probably going to hate what I have to say, but it's "better" to yearn for a child that never was, than to bring one into a world where he or she is only wanted by one parent. Much better. I think your husband's idea of you seeing a counselor is a good one. I'm sure there are some strategies he/she can recommend to help you deal with this ... and talking with someone never hurts. Good luck. Edited March 31, 2012 by Lois 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Both parties have to agree to this. It's too important to be any other way. You're probably going to hate what I have to say, but it's "better" to yearn for a child that never was, than to bring one into a world where he or she is only wanted by one parent. Much better. I think your husband's idea of you seeing a counselor is a good one. I'm sure there are some strategies he/she can recommend to help you deal with this ... and talking with someone never hurts. Good luck. Those arn't really her only options though. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Those arn't really her only options though. I agree, I hope I didn't imply that they were. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Oh boy. Yes. It's a bit interesting I suppose to see the "her side/his side", esp considering the level of emotion my husband interjected into his post. Lady, why don't you and your H sit down and discuss this properly? Start by reading each other's threads and then proceed from there. The man doesn't want to have more kids. It's expensive...it's exhausting...it's his fundamental right. It is also your right to have as many children as you want but exercising your right at the expense of his right is not cool. This is like the issue of abortion. The man wants the baby and the woman doesn't. It's her body and so she can make the final decision and terminate. In your case it's his sperm, he can make the decision not to give it. You on the other hand can have a baby from anywhere and anybody. So choose...a baby by any means or a happy M as it is. You can't have both in your case. And no amount of harassing him will change this. It will only build resentment. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I am married to a man that had a vasectomy in his previous marriage as he was done at 3 kids (5, 9, and 11) from my own point of view, that's actually a pretty considerate and thoughtful thing to do. And I'm not talking from the PoV of any woman in his life. I find his action to generally be very responsible... I have always wanted another child, I have always desired to raise a child in a two parent household If you knew when you married him, that he had a vasectomy, and that he was 'done at three kids (5, 9 and 11)' why did you not consider this to be his absolutely valid right, then? were you thinking then, that he would still change his mind for you? Well surprise surprise... my husband has no desire to procreate with me. He has no aspirations to be a father to a child that is truly "ours"... I tear up when I feel the reality sinking in that I really may just never have a baby like I always imagined I would. It pains me so much when I hear him talk to his kids and reference things when they were little or a baby, I don't get to share in any of those memories and I'll never have a child with him that we can reminiscence over together in our old age. Well surprise surprise indeed... you cannot blame him for this. You KNEW all this when he married you. You cannot expect a person to change a logical rational decision round, based on your emotional requirements. it cannot work. Most areas in our life are pretty good but the baby topic has had us at some major cross roads lately. this is not a crossroads. this - is the deal-breaker. He is hard core stubborn in his stance of never wanting a child and all I can think about is how lucky everyone else that is pregnant and expecting. this is unfair. he's not being 'hard-core stubborn'. he's just sticking by his original decision - which you knew about. simply because he is refusing to reverse his vasectomy, and agree to your wishes, doesn't make him 'hard-core stubborn.' (I’m not an emotional crazy chick; I’m not a crybaby... I hold back much of my tears). Oh trust me - this is pure hormone-driven emotion. I've been there. feel like if he loved me, he'd want to make this come true for me... especially because I have helped him so much with his 3 kids... No, no no. this is not some kind of payback, or entitlement. the bringing up of kids - no matter whose - is reward in itself. Bringing up children is unconditional, and you cannot seek any reason to validate your desire to have a child - other than the fact you want one, and you want one with him. such a desire has no foundation, no logic, no reason, no cause, no impetus - other than the fact that it exists as a desire. ....there will be no change, only a big topic still left unaddressed with even more emotion wrapped up into it. The big elephant in the room of course is, I do feel my biological clock is ticking and I am battling with frustration, moments of resentment, and pure sadness that I truly may 'clock' myself out where I wouldn't be able to conceive anyway... i realise this is a huge issue, and I can completely see where you're coming from. but like I said - it's crunch time already, and September is irrelevant. It should be noted that I support my husband in many ways, ...but why do I feel like I’m not receiving the same consideration? because everything he has is temporary, disposable and material. A baby is an entirely different thing. it's a huge financial investment for a start, but apart from everything else, is a living, breathing, human being. And something he already guarded against creating. I understand how you feel, better than you might think. due to great hormonal upheavals, my ex- and i were not able to have our second child, until quite a bit after the first. by which time, although my desire to have a second child had intensified pretty much to the exact levels of feelings you have now - my husband, conversely, had become more and more disinclined to have a second baby. to the point where i even told him that if he was unable to give me the baby i so desperately wanted, i would find someone else to give it to me. That was pretty low, and it's a comment i never would have believed myself capable of making. fast forward; my hormone imbalance was addressed, and i eventually had my much wanted, and emotionally- fulfilling second child. The irony is that since my divorce from my ex-, my child ('C') has not spoken to me, and we have completely drifted apart. We never speak, and we are completely estranged. 'C'lives in France with my ex- and i cannot see a resolution to the rift, any time soon. fulfilment of desire doesn't equate with fulfilment of dreams, and there is no happy ending. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Interesting to hear both sides of the story. If I were you, I would have asked him to have the vesectomy reversed PRIOR to getting married. Of course he could still have refused to have children, however the VES excuse couldn't be used. All that being said, with how badly you wanted a child and how vague he was on the issue, it appears that the marriage probably was doomed from the start, sorry to say. I think you already know that, but are just holding out hope that your husband will change his mind...which he won't unfortunately. This is probably going to be a dealbreaker if one of you can't budge on the issue. Can you ACCEPT that you will never have a child with your husband? If you can't, then you have your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
irin Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 i read your husband post before you i think your best bet is to leave this marriage if you cant meet-halfway on this. you definitely dont want grow old without having all children you desired you'll end up resent him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenwantsbabywade Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Thanks everyone for your replies, I appreciate your candidness. I would only like to clarify the misperception of the " just changed my mind all of the sudden". I would not have seriously considered marrying my husband if he was clear as a " hell no", I never want kids. My husband did allude he'd be open to it & we could talk about. I did alot of research, etc and clued him into it all. You might note on my husbands post he mentions a 'contract' I drew up for him to sign, what he fails to mention unfortunately is he was very much a willing participant in the creation of that contract. What was happening, the pressure he alludes to is I was one by one checking off the things I committed to that he wanted and he was feeling the pressure to make the appt for the reversal. He failed to keep his end of the bargain. Some might say a negotiation for a baby is absurd but we all do make grievances one way or another for things we want in life. My husband happens to be motivated by toys, golf, and lifted jeeps. I hope people understand that I am not a mean, selfish %^*+=. I love my husband and willing to do most anything for him, just not sure that includes giving up my desire to have a child too.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Thanks everyone for your replies, I appreciate your candidness. I would only like to clarify the misperception of the " just changed my mind all of the sudden". I would not have seriously considered marrying my husband if he was clear as a " hell no", I never want kids. My husband did allude he'd be open to it & we could talk about. I did alot of research, etc and clued him into it all. You might note on my husbands post he mentions a 'contract' I drew up for him to sign, what he fails to mention unfortunately is he was very much a willing participant in the creation of that contract. What was happening, the pressure he alludes to is I was one by one checking off the things I committed to that he wanted and he was feeling the pressure to make the appt for the reversal. He failed to keep his end of the bargain. Some might say a negotiation for a baby is absurd but we all do make grievances one way or another for things we want in life. My husband happens to be motivated by toys, golf, and lifted jeeps. I hope people understand that I am not a mean, selfish %^*+=. I love my husband and willing to do most anything for him, just not sure that includes giving up my desire to have a child too.... Okay well whatever techniqualities occured that led to the predicament you are in don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. He is saying "hell no" right HERE AND NOW, and you are saying you want children. That's a problem. Whatever led up to it is moot at this point in the game. It basically is going to come down to whether or not you can accept giving up your desire to have more children in exchange to being married to your husband. Which it does not sound like you are able to do. So unfortunately it sounds like it's going to come down to you leaving the marriage in order to have more children. Heartbreaking it will be, I know. But it's sort of like leaving a relationship with a partner who never wants to get married. You will most likely end up resenting him, which will destroy the marriage anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 You have to be able to see this rationally. it's extremely simple, darling, and this is really, taking into account everything you have both written here, all it amounts to: As much as you yearn, with every fibre of your being, with all your heart and soul, with every ounce of 'motherhood' in you, to have this baby - he is equally, and completely conversely convinced he doesn't. No amount of logical, persuasive, rational argument is going to sway you to see he is right, and no amount of hormonal, maternal, feminine justification, is going to sway him to see you are right. The solution is that one of you will give in. The other will have to give it up completely. There is no compromise, here - it really IS one way or the other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I think I can understand how you feel... few months ago, I was turning 40 and thought I was pregnant. I was pretty worried, as we have three kids already and at least two of them have significant health issues. I was really worried, but was starting to get used to and actually looked forward to having another child. Turns out I wasn't pregnant, and likely never will be again.I felt this huge sense of loss... and I really didn't know why. I think it's because I had to give up on a "dream" of something that was never really real to start with. It's very hard to let go. You sound like you have this "fantasy child" in your mind...but what would the reality look like? You already have several kids you are raising, and it's no easy task. What would bringing another baby into the equation do? What if your child ended up with severe AHHD ( it is believed that there is a genetic component to it) ? Would you and your husband be able to handle that? It may come down to you deciding what is most important to you...having another baby ( never mind one with him, as I don't think that matters that much if you are willing to consider a sperm donor) or your marriage. I think you really need to give that some serrious thought, as you don't want to become resentful towards your husband for saying "no"... I'm not trying to sound harsh or cruel, but you have a decision to make here...it's your choice, what will you decide? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Frozensprouts, please don't take this as me putting down your reasoning, but much as you may "think you know how she feels"...I know precisely what she's going through... from seeing other women pregnant, and feeling resentful and distressed that it's not her... seeing babies in prams, and couples pushing strollers...it's actually physically painful and can bring you to the verge of tears... she even completely understands women who have snatched babies, they were so desperate - because it's precisely how she feels, and it's precisely how I felt. every single sight of a pregnant woman, or a little baby is like a knife to the stomach. there truly is a huge, gaping, aching void, and you just feel like curling up into a little ball, and screaming. no amount of rational, sensible, balanced reasoned counter-discussion is of any effect whatsoever. it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. All that matters is being pregnant, and having that baby your body is screaming for, with every cell there is. That's the only thing that will appease the desire. It's almost a madness.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 to add....i honestly think it's one of the most distressing episodes of my life, and the tragedy is that not every woman can completely understand it - and i don't think any man can. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I give this relationship -zero- chance of getting beyond this unless one gives in, then it will be very strained. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NeverDated Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 You've gotten really good insight on here so far. The reality of the situation is staying with your husband means you will never have a baby. You can either accept the reality you are in or you can change your circumstances by leaving your husband and finding a man who will give you a baby. If you leave, and find a new partner, you may resent the baby. As much as you want it and adore it, the pursuit of that baby will be what broke up your [seemingly] otherwise happy marriage. That's a lot of expectation and baggage to place a child before it's even born. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I am so scared that the reality may come that either I have to give up having a baby, or give up the man that I love This is basically what it's going to come down to.. He doesn't want to have any more children - He has that right to feel that way.. Though you have a right to want your own baby but it takes two and he isn't willing. I don't envy you, you're in a tough spot.. There are no easy answers to this one, but in all honesty, if you want a child before you're 40, time to get some counselling to the help you make a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I feel like if he loved me, he'd want to make this come true for me... especially because I have helped him so much with his 3 kids... But it's like I'm shamed for feeling or thinking that way. That's a HUGE expectation to put on someone and unfair too. He is who he is and he's had 3 kids, had a V already so his decision not to have more kids is done. Is he making you feel 'shamed' or are you putting that on yourself? Big difference. Just because you're an excellent step mom to his kids doesn't mean your reward is having your own baby.. Sorry but it's warped thinking because you knew he didn't want more kids and you're hoping he'll change his mind. Facts are infront of you - He's stubborn and set in his ways so don't hope for something that will never happen. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Can I suggest you get IC for this issue before you make up your mind? I know how it feels to want a child and can't have one. The minute you want one, all you see is babies and pregnant women. As TM said, it's a sort of madness. It can and will take over every aspect of your life and will become more important than everything else. The funny thing is this... We are biologically engineered (women) to have kids. But once we've had them, we sometimes wonder why we wanted them so much...especially in the middle of the night when they cry and cry and cry. We don't really admit these feelings because they seem unnatural. But many women learn the hard way that the baby they wanted so much can't bring them the inner happiness they seek. So go get counseling and figure out what it is you want and what the baby represents to you. Only then will you be able to determine which one is more important to you - your M or the baby. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I can see where you are both coming from... ....yet at the same time I dont beleive neither you or him should have to compromise on something that you feel this strongly about..... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts