New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[bentnotbroken]

I feel like I'm the only woman on here who's ever decided to end an affair on her own. I realize I'm in the minority but I wish you all were not so judgmental. You do not know me nor my exAP. I am not idealizing him when I say he deserves a good woman. He divorced because his own wife cheated on him years ago. No one sets out to have an affair. It's been the most painful experience of my life. I am chosing a better path and searching for what has led me this point. Yes I'm seeking IC but I wish you all could see that ppl can choose to try to change without causing more pain. Yes society judges and it seems ww are the most harshly judged.

 

 

People have decided your actions are wrong. The affairs and the continued lying are wrong. How do you think that saying that is judging? Do you say when someone kills they are wrong? Do you say when someone steals, they are wrong? If you do, what is the difference. You are killing your marriage and stealing your husband's choice to be with you with all the facts. No one has to know you or your AP personally to know that what you did to your husband was wrong. Your words about choosing to TRY is your out. You either do it or you don't. There isn't a middle ground. And you can let go of the fact that WW are judged more harshly....ain't so. But people who do the deed and then decide to keep the BS in the dark, thus living a lie, probably is treated more harshly. I would suspect that is because no one wants to live a lie and know their partner looked them in the face daily and lied.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Bell, I'm glad you went over to SI But even the waywards are telling you the same thing! It's like an echo of this thread from what I've read so far

 

 

Also, give your H more credit. There is a huge chance he will not just up and leave. In fact most people don't, they try to make it work. Many people fail later on down the road...but you can at least give him the chance to try, and you can show how you are willing to make it up and be transparent.

Edited April 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Bellechica]

Look, I'm taking the first steps to recovery. I realize I am broken but I'm not going to just wallow in a depression over what I've done or miss the euphoric fantasy land I was living in. I've been reading so much lately about infidelity, sexuality, marriage, monogamy, addiction, so many things. I am processing so much but I am finding strength in myself again.

[Spark1111]

Bell, you know what kills intimacy in a relationship?

 

Keeping secrets from your partner, and an affair is one helluva a secret to try and keep for a lifetime.

 

If you bring it out in the open, will it be painful? You bet!

 

But not as painful as keeping more secrets from him.

 

The problem was in HAVING the affair, not the telling of it.

 

If you did not care enough to NOT have the affairs, keeping it secret NOW is more about you trying to avoid the consequences of your actions.

 

Know what that really means? You avoid conflict and honest and compassionate communication with your spouse, both BEFORE and now AFTER the affair.

 

Nothing has changed in the way you do relationships. YOU haven't changed. How will your M get better? You have to be a better, more open spouse to your H.

 

Do you think your conflict-avoidance is the biggest contribution to your emotional disconnect with your H?

 

I do.

 

I bet you opened your heart to your xAPs because you had nothing to lose. Light, easy, lay it all out in the open friendship that causes an emotional connection. It is so typical.

 

Here are the two things you have to consider:

 

Why? Why was it so easy to cross so many boundaries to have an affair?

 

and,

 

What need did your xAP fill that your H does not. You need to identify it, express it, and figure out the tools you and your H need to address it.

 

Connection doesn't just happen. You helped create that with your xAP. How?

 

Then do it with your spouse, so he has a chance to reconnect with you.

[JustJoe]

I feel like I'm the only woman on here who's ever decided to end an affair on her own. I realize I'm in the minority but I wish you all were not so judgmental. You do not know me nor my exAP. I am not idealizing him when I say he deserves a good woman. He divorced because his own wife cheated on him years ago. No one sets out to have an affair. It's been the most painful experience of my life. I am chosing a better path and searching for what has led me this point. Yes I'm seeking IC but I wish you all could see that ppl can choose to try to change without causing more pain. Yes society judges and it seems ww are the most harshly judged.

Matrydom is for Saints, Bella, and sorry but you don't qualify. When you say that you won't tell your husband, what exactly are you sparing him? He will be married to a dishonest woman who will be lying and decieving him for the rest of his life. Doesn't he deserve more respect than this? And, BTW , the chances that he will NEVER find out are almost nil. Something like 92% of all affairs are revealed at one time or another. If you think I'm being harsh, you are mistaken, I'm trying to wake you up to reality.

[SandieBeach]

Matrydom is for Saints, Bella, and sorry but you don't qualify. When you say that you won't tell your husband, what exactly are you sparing him? He will be married to a dishonest woman who will be lying and decieving him for the rest of his life. Doesn't he deserve more respect than this? And, BTW , the chances that he will NEVER find out are almost nil. Something like 92% of all affairs are revealed at one time or another. If you think I'm being harsh, you are mistaken, I'm trying to wake you up to reality.

 

One thing to keep in mind: parts of the truth will ALWAYS come out, and you have to know it's coming. You never know if your APs #1 and #2 will tell someone about the affair and it gets to your husband. My advice is think about how you would want your husband to find out - would it be better for you and him finding out from you? If he learns from someone else, will you stand a chance in marriage?

 

I found out about my H's affair by chance - and the rest of the details by interrogation and detective work. Where interrogation failed, detective work succeeded and I learn now there are some more details. I think people are generally very forgiving and can take hell of a lot if you give them chance. Whatever your reason is for not telling your H, make sure that it is NOT for his protection. That's a huge mistake we make - making a decision about how much someone else can handle.

[bentnotbroken]

Look, I'm taking the first steps to recovery. I realize I am broken but I'm not going to just wallow in a depression over what I've done or miss the euphoric fantasy land I was living in. I've been reading so much lately about infidelity, sexuality, marriage, monogamy, addiction, so many things. I am processing so much but I am finding strength in myself again.

 

 

Find the strength to tell the truth.

[Bellechica]

And I know most do not agree with my not disclosing my A but I at least feel like I'm grateful that this forum and the SI forum exist so that I can talk to someone, anyone other than repeating this cycle or running back to exAP. I have had many men come on to me but I'm not running to some man for a "fix" to stop my pain. I just thank you for listening and I'm going to take it one day at a time and make better choices including seeking IC.

[Bellechica]

Both my husband and I are conflict avoiders. We grew up in stable homes but ones where problems were swept under the rug. Everything always seemed "perfect" in fact from the outside our marriage seems to appear perfect and my exAP is the opposite of my husband. You're right, we argued a lot and I was much more open with him and less guarded, but I also know the good times with him were mainly fantasy and not day in day out routine. You all have given me much to reflect upon. Why I felt so much more comfortable naked with AP than my own husband? Why the intamacy was deeper with him? my husband and I are talking about our own sexual problems. We were in a sexless marriage. I have always primarily been the initiator of sex with him and I got tired of initiating. It hurt my self esteem, but I know that is no reason to excuse the As. I know there is no excuse.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Hey, I sorted the threads by post count...and saw this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/96726-cheating-who-did-not-tell-their-spouse

 

Looks like someone similar to you a number of years ago. Very long thread. I skipped to the end and spoiled the ending. She eventually told. Looks like her reason was to end the A. She was having trouble with that.

[Bellechica]

Hey, I sorted the threads by post count...and saw this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/96726-cheating-who-did-not-tell-their-spouse

 

Looks like someone similar to you a number of years ago. Very long thread. I skipped to the end and spoiled the ending. She eventually told. Looks like her reason was to end the A. She was having trouble with that.

 

Thank you nInja's husband for that post link. I read thru it and there are many things that resonate with me. I will say that although I miss my exAP dearly that I'm finding personal strength to stay away from him and I believe he will too this time.

I have chosen my husband and to try to rebuild our marriage.....maybe I'll get to the point of telling, I don't know.

 

In the early days of my A with AP2 who was my friend first and who I felt at one point was my soulmate, I often hoped my H was having an A. I wished he would. I even thought he might be gay but after 11 months of turmoil and trying to break things off after seeing that the grass isn't greener and that I could not ever build a relationship with my exAP then I knew I had to stop and fix myself before I can be a wife again. I don't know if my H cheated....I don't think so but he and I are similar in that we are very non confrontational.

Yes it's finally taken me talking D to get us to open up. We at least argued and are now trying to connect and we both admitted we have problems with communication and connecting. I told exAP that I must give my marriage 100% and to not contact me for any reason: not work, not to check on me, not even if he needs me as a friend.

I forgave him for moving in on me when I was vulnerable after 1A but it's my fault for going to a man rather than a therapist.

 

Again, I'm setting boundaries and trying to change the vibes I send off.....

Ty again for the thread.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Np, glad you got something out of it.

 

btw, the vibes thing might be correct...but I don't think it's a certainty. I've known many attractive women who are constantly pestered by guys. Some of these women give off no vibes whatsoever... Men are very visually stimulated, I think waaaayyyy more than women. Just look at the magazines and who buys them. Look at the pron on the web... If describe to my W what goes on in my head when I see something like that..she just doesn't connect with it at all... What you wear can make a big difference, how you walk, mannerisms. Some of it you may have no idea affects guys at all. I wouldn't go all muslim and start covering your face just cause men can't handle themselves properly around you. That's an exaggeration...but you get my drift? Don't do the obvious stuff, but there's a limit to what you can worry about. Men have a responsibility to keep their own urges under control =\

[ISurvived]

And I know most do not agree with my not disclosing my A but I at least feel like I'm grateful that this forum and the SI forum exist so that I can talk to someone, anyone other than repeating this cycle or running back to exAP. I have had many men come on to me but I'm not running to some man for a "fix" to stop my pain. I just thank you for listening and I'm going to take it one day at a time and make better choices including seeking IC.

 

By not disclosing this to your husband, you may as well still be cheating. There are lies of omission as well as commission.

 

If you want to stop your pain, disclose to your husband, ask for forgiveness and for God's sake, quit making the OM seem like some Prince Charming. He's a POS that would sleep with a married woman. He will do it again. If you think you were special, think again.

 

If you want your marriage to work like you say you do, honesty, complete honesty is a must. Everything else is just lip service.

[Bellechica]

I think most of you see only one way and that I disclose. I will take one day at a time. I'm getting past the OM and trying to stop thinking about him and the fantasy we had. I at least can acknowledge that he is no price charming....no way, but he was certainly exciting and exhilarating. It's not substainible, it's not true commitment. It felt like the early days with my H which I suppose what falling in love is like and then kids and life happened and boom I become this person I didn't even know anymore but I felt alive again and now I regret...I want to just be wife again. I know that deep long lasting love isn't lust.....

[Black Jack]

I think most of you see only one way and that I disclose. I will take one day at a time. I'm getting past the OM and trying to stop thinking about him and the fantasy we had. I at least can acknowledge that he is no price charming....no way, but he was certainly exciting and exhilarating. It's not substainible, it's not true commitment. It felt like the early days with my H which I suppose what falling in love is like and then kids and life happened and boom I become this person I didn't even know anymore but I felt alive again and now I regret...I want to just be wife again. I know that deep long lasting love isn't lust.....

 

Taking one day at a time is just another way of saying you'll keep your husband in the dark in order to save your own ass.

 

Nobody here cares what your OM thinks. Your feelings and his do not matter at this point.

 

Your continued actions show you don't give a darn peep about your husband so how about you be selfless for once instead of being selfish.

 

You either tell him now, or risk it blowing up in your face later on. All this babble is just stalling instead of walking the walk.

[bentnotbroken]

I think most of you see only one way and that I disclose. I will take one day at a time. I'm getting past the OM and trying to stop thinking about him and the fantasy we had. I at least can acknowledge that he is no price charming....no way, but he was certainly exciting and exhilarating. It's not substainible, it's not true commitment. It felt like the early days with my H which I suppose what falling in love is like and then kids and life happened and boom I become this person I didn't even know anymore but I felt alive again and now I regret...I want to just be wife again. I know that deep long lasting love isn't lust.....

 

 

You will be whomever you choose to be. You have all the facts to make the decisions for your life. The puzzle pieces are all there for you. Too bad your husband does not have the same privilege.

[jwi71]

Thank you nInja's husband for that post link. I read thru it and there are many things that resonate with me. I will say that although I miss my exAP dearly that I'm finding personal strength to stay away from him and I believe he will too this time.

I have chosen my husband and to try to rebuild our marriage.....maybe I'll get to the point of telling, I don't know.

 

In the early days of my A with AP2 who was my friend first and who I felt at one point was my soulmate, I often hoped my H was having an A. I wished he would. I even thought he might be gay but after 11 months of turmoil and trying to break things off after seeing that the grass isn't greener and that I could not ever build a relationship with my exAP then I knew I had to stop and fix myself before I can be a wife again. I don't know if my H cheated....I don't think so but he and I are similar in that we are very non confrontational.

Yes it's finally taken me talking D to get us to open up. We at least argued and are now trying to connect and we both admitted we have problems with communication and connecting. I told exAP that I must give my marriage 100% and to not contact me for any reason: not work, not to check on me, not even if he needs me as a friend.

I forgave him for moving in on me when I was vulnerable after 1A but it's my fault for going to a man rather than a therapist.

 

Again, I'm setting boundaries and trying to change the vibes I send off.....

Ty again for the thread.

 

The thing is - you AREN'T working on the M really.

How can you be if you refuse to inform your H so he too can join you in working on your M. As you haven't told, you cannot by definition be working on the M.

 

Rather, what you are doing is controlling him. And you do it by controlling information. In whatever talks and discussion and heart-to-hearts you are having, the MOST important fact he needs and deserves to know is left unsaid. And in his unknowing you control the pace, tone and topic of the "healing". It might feel like progress but it isn't. In essence, you are working on YOURSELF - not him nor your M.

 

If you want to work on your M, I would suggest telling him in MC. Get it out in the open and truly begin working together...not one holding out on the other and calling it healing. It isn't.

 

I D my now xWW not because of the sex but because of the lies and the broken trust. Every day you hold off, you hurt your chances at R.

[JustJoe]

I think most of you see only one way and that I disclose. I will take one day at a time. I'm getting past the OM and trying to stop thinking about him and the fantasy we had. I at least can acknowledge that he is no price charming....no way, but he was certainly exciting and exhilarating. It's not substainible, it's not true commitment. It felt like the early days with my H which I suppose what falling in love is like and then kids and life happened and boom I become this person I didn't even know anymore but I felt alive again and now I regret...I want to just be wife again. I know that deep long lasting love isn't lust.....

WE see only one way, because there IS only one way to have a complete, good, marriage. When both partners are open, honest , loving and communicating. You, Bella, are avoiding, evading, lying, deceiving unloving and disrespectful, and you REALLY think this will work? Are you that selfish and blind?

[carrie999]

I completely agree that if you want to make your marriage work, you need to come clean, and start IC/MC. You can't have an honest relationship otherwise.

 

If the marriage is over in your mind, it's up to you what you want to do. I still believe all of my former boyfriends were faithful to me, but I didn't dig to find out when all was said and done. No good could come from finding it out when the relationship was over. If I was still pursuing it, I'd want to know. But once I accepted it was over, what good could possibly come from knowing my lover cheated?

 

You have to figure out what you want. If you're trying to make it work with him, you can't lie to him. If not, you probably should just let it go at that...

Edited April 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Kidd]

One thing to keep in mind: parts of the truth will ALWAYS come out, and you have to know it's coming. You never know if your APs #1 and #2 will tell someone about the affair and it gets to your husband. My advice is think about how you would want your husband to find out - would it be better for you and him finding out from you? If he learns from someone else, will you stand a chance in marriage?

 

I found out about my H's affair by chance - and the rest of the details by interrogation and detective work. Where interrogation failed, detective work succeeded and I learn now there are some more details. I think people are generally very forgiving and can take hell of a lot if you give them chance. Whatever your reason is for not telling your H, make sure that it is NOT for his protection. That's a huge mistake we make - making a decision about how much someone else can handle.

 

The stats I recall say that for affairs that are disclosed, 70% of the couples remain together at 2 years down the road; for those that are discovered, it drops to 35% and only only half of those reported being happy. I hope that by the time I finish reading this thread, you will have decided not to try to lie forever as a means to salvage your M. You have spent a long time thinking you can hide this indefinitely. So far you have been successful. Well, sort of. Really, how's that working out for you? You have a good chance at reconciling but honesty is the biggest requirement. Until you get that, you haven't "started" at all. I forgave my W for a ridiculous amount of stuff but she kept lying. You haven't even tried to stop yet. And yeah, the waywards over at SI are all going to tell you the same thing. It's the truth, Bella. You're best to now spend your time thinking about how to tell him. I can see it is only matter of time before you accept the truth. I wish you strength and luck for the journey ahead.

Edited March 28, 2012 by Kidd

[nofool4u]

Look, I'm taking the first steps to recovery. I realize I am broken but I'm not going to just wallow in a depression over what I've done or miss the euphoric fantasy land I was living in. I've been reading so much lately about infidelity, sexuality, marriage, monogamy, addiction, so many things. I am processing so much but I am finding strength in myself again.

 

Here is the thing, you want to know how to get over your OM? Then you need the ever lovin' sh*t scared out of you to do it. You have to come to the brink of losing your marriage and comfortable situation before that will happen.

 

You say you won't tell your husband? Then there is nothing we can tell you that will help. Because telling your husband will give you the kick in the ass that you need to snap out of your schoolgirl giddiness and feelings of loss for your OM, if your husband forgives you and decides to work on the marriage.

 

There is a chance he'll dump you, but that is simply a chance you will have to take, not only because without suffering any consequences of your actions at the hands of your husband, but your husband deserves to know what kind of woman he is married to and decide for himself how he wants to continue HIS life. You are denying him the ability to decide his own future.

[nofool4u]

I have had many men come on to me but I'm not running to some man for a "fix" to stop my pain.

 

Ok, this comment from you is suspect to alot of your problem. You will naturally say its not true, but if "many men" are coming on to you, then its because you are putting yourself out there. Where are you putting yourself that MANY men come on to you?

[nofool4u]

I'm getting past the OM and trying to stop thinking about him and the fantasy we had. I at least can acknowledge that he is no price charming....no way

 

And if he was?

 

 

but he was certainly exciting and exhilarating. It's not substainible, it's not true commitment.

 

Ah, so if he WAS prince charming and you thought there was stability there, then you'd think it was sustainable?

 

In other words, if it had been a different man who you could see yourself with, then your husband would be history.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I think most of you see only one way and that I disclose. I will take one day at a time. I'm getting past the OM and trying to stop thinking about him and the fantasy we had. I at least can acknowledge that he is no price charming....no way, but he was certainly exciting and exhilarating. It's not substainible, it's not true commitment. It felt like the early days with my H which I suppose what falling in love is like and then kids and life happened and boom I become this person I didn't even know anymore but I felt alive again and now I regret...I want to just be wife again. I know that deep long lasting love isn't lust.....

 

Ponder that last line "deep long lasting love"...

 

My wife confessed years later after her A, and for those years she never intended to ever tell me. I would've gone through life/marriage none the wiser. I will ask you the same question I asked her about this scenario: If you can't build your marriage on honesty, faithfulness, trust, and transparency, then what will be the foundation of your marriage?

 

Seems that you are willing to build your marriage on lies, serial cheating, deception, and manipulation.

 

My wife and I worked things out. However, those years that I was deceived are mostly dead to me. I grieved the loss of what I thought was reality. (I pondered divorce on that basis alone.) My life and marriage were build upon lies and manipulation. Looking back I can't tell what was real and what was a lie. That has almost been as difficult to deal with than the affair itself.

 

Reading through all of these threads it also seems obvious that you only care about self-preservation, not "deep long lasting love".

 

If you have any respect for your H and marriage, you will come clean. For once, think about someone other than yourself.

[Marcpatrick]

Bellechica, you should tell your husband how you feel first without apportioning blame to him.

 

I'm under the impression that you love your husband very much, so much so, that you are scared to tell him about your extra-marital affairs for fear of hurting him deeply.

 

What you are going through doesn't make you a bad person - many people experience the same. However, the problem lies with the fact that you haven't discussed your sexual sides that much. You say you're in a sexless marriage, and I can imagine how frustrating that is.

 

Discuss with him your feelings towards other men. Maybe he's open to it, and doesn't mind you being with others (as long as you're safe).

 

Cheating doesn't have to mean the end of the marriage. In fact if you come clean it may enhance your relationship. It may be even something you can both fantasize about, once the initial shock wears off.

 

The only thing you've done wrong here is that you've started a family while it's quite apparent that you still need to sow some wild oats.