cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[InaPanic]

I am still dealing with my infidelity & struggling. It has been hard for me to try to put the OM out of my life & out of my head. I am still dealing with that. Today I sent a NC email but my heart is aching & I am in serious withdrawal.

But this thread is more about telling my husband. I am having an internal struggle on a daily basis, many times a day feeling an extreme desire to tell my husband. My reasons for wanting to tell him I feel like are selfish. One I feel like it will take away some of my guilt & unburden me a little. I am a nut case crying all the time. Two if I tell him it will force a permanent seperation between me & OM though that seems pretty set anyway. Three, and this is the craziest one, I have been so focused on OM & me that I haven't given much thought to actually losing my husband & my marriage. I sometimes think that if I tell him & he gets angry & I feel a threat of losing him that it may snap me into reality & make me realize the OM was a joke of a person, that my husband is who I really love & make me focus on him more. I know that sounds crazy but crazy is how I feel right now. And I know that's a risky chance because he may actually leave me.

I know my husband loves me dearly. I do know that without a doubt. I also know he's getting suspicious of me. He's made comments but hasn't just flat out asked if I have had an affair. I honestly think he'd maybe rather not know.

My friends say DO NOT TELL HIM that it will only open up another can of worms. I really cannot imagine having to tell him details of this affair. It would crush him & his self esteem & I feel like have a serious horrible effect on saving our marriage.

I know those of you that HAVE been cheated on are angry with good reason & always say it's not fair to not let the person know.

I would like to hear from some of you men or women who have been in my shoes & either decided to tell or to not tell. I would like to hear how it worked out for you.

If I can spare him this hurt I would like to, but right now I'm not even sure of what I still feel for him. I also know I can't work on us until OM is fully out of my life which hopefully as of today he is.

Thank you in advance for any advice or stories.

[Hard2Think]

Don't tell him. Do address any issues in your marriage if there were any that led to this. But there's no need to put him through that.

[norajane]

OM is "hopefully" out of your life? I'm 100% sure that if you tell your H about the A and OM is not out of your life and mind, you'll have ended your marriage.

 

H is going to be hurt, angry, disappointed in you, furious, upset...you will need to focus 100% of your attention on him and your marriage if you hope to save your marriage. If you're still obsessed with your OM, believe me, that will be obvious in the way you deal with your H after you tell him. Your H will know you're not all there, and that alone will prevent any possible way of your marriage surviving.

[InaPanic]

Hard2Think, I always felt like our marriage was a good marriage. OM constantly said if it were so good I wouldn't be with him. It's a point. And thinking about it drives me insane. I can't stand the thought I am really NOT happy in my marriage. Is it possible to just have a midlife crisis, that there isn't anything wrong with the marriage just I made a stupid mistake?

norajane, the OM is not out of my mind at all. I'm crying as I type because I miss him. I sent a NC email & I have to admit my heart wasn't in it. I need it to end because i'm suffering so bad. I am afraid if I tell my husband the truth & I still mourn the OM in my life it is going to seriously affect things. And I am going through my withdrawal in a bad way right now. Now when I cry he just thinks I'm in a depression (which I am) & not sure what's wrong. I know he has thoughts though.

[cranium]

Panic -

 

Here's my story - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57566/

 

My wife had an A and I caught her. Me catching her put an immediate end to it. She continued to work with her OM until he found another job and moved away, but their 'friendship' ended pronto. What I didn't do was tell her immediately about my A from 10+ years earlier. I waited over a year to come clean.

 

My reasons for wanting to tell him I feel like are selfish. One I feel like it will take away some of my guilt & unburden me a little.

 

Sure, telling her did in a way liberate me from the guilt, fear and depression I had been burdened with, but that was not the reason I told her. Carrying a secret that big also does a number on one's own self-esteem. I had been working incredibly hard to establish a whole new level of intimacy and honesty after discovering her A. I didn't want to put her through it, but I knew she needed to know and I knew she might leave when she found out. That was a chance I had to take. I was being more selfish by keeping the secret secret.

 

We've had a tough couple of years. For the first half of this year, after I told her, she planned to move out, separate and/or divorce. The last month has been great. It took her some time to work through her anger, but now we seem to be on the mend.

 

There are no guarantees, but I knew I had to clean up/complete the past in order for us to have a chance at a new future.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I posted to you before I think....in another thread....

 

anyway...I am a betrayed husband, so not sure what help I can be to you...but my wife did finally tell me the truth of her affair after 8 months of false truths...

 

but this caught my eye.....damm....brings back thoughts...

 

I am afraid if I tell my husband the truth & I still mourn the OM in my life it is going to seriously affect things.

 

 

I specifically remember my wife crying to me a few times....basically mourning the lose and feeling withdrawal from her exMM....that was wierd and hard to handle at times....I mean here I am hurting like a mofo...and I have to console my wife casue she is greiving over her NC with the exMM....

 

I aint goin to lie....it was extremely hard for me....this whole ordeal has been hard on me....but I have endured and so has my wife....and we are much better now....so there is succuss for some of us.

 

but, as I said before in your other thread....I would choose honesty first

 

"walk a straight path and do not wander"

 

only you know what is right...

 

not to scare you...but you have a long road to haul....and I will pray that you'll endure this pain

[Darkwall]

NORAJANE, i couldn't have said it better myself.

 

Although, I'm curious as to what drove you into the OM arms?

[InaPanic]

Cranium, your wife had an A but she was ready to leave you because you admitted to one? I have given thought to if I out with it what if he confesses he hadn't been faithful. How would I deal with it.

There are so many details that are going to hurt him. One in particular is OM is only 26, he is 47. He's getting touchy about his age as it is. Can you imagine how this will add to it?

ThumbingMyWay, thank you so much for your story. I do worry so much about telling him now. I am in serious withdrawal. He has already held me while I am crying for OM but just doesn't realize it. I feel so bad when that happens. But if he KNEW why I was crying.....I'm not even sure he would console me & who could blame him. I'm glad you two are making it.

Darkwall, I wish I knew what made me after so many years of marriage do what I did. I married young, only 20. And I'm 38 - I guess prime age for a midlife crisis. I think more than anything it was the safety of being on the internet when we met that allowed it to even happen. Had I met him in person, it never would have gotten beyond being flattered by being flirted with. But being online it had this feeling in the beginning of not being 'real'. I can get out whenever I want. Problem is I got sucked into it emotionally. OM said some of the most beautiful & wonderful & loving & sexual things to me anyone has ever said. It's been a long time since I've been talked to like that. I got carried away in it & the excitement. I still think it's THAT more than him that I am mourning. I don't know. I just wish it had never happened. I've never been so miserable in my life. And thinking about never talking to him again just about kills me. I hope this is a normal feeling because I have tried to initiate the NC but I feel so weak.

[Guest]

Inapanic:

 

Those who would advise you not 2 tell your H don't have a clue what they're talking about. In many cases, they're still involved in affairs or are recently coming out of one.

 

The issue isn't whether you'll hurt your H by telling him. The fact is that you HAVE hurt him, by having the affair. And you're continuing 2 hurt him by keeping secrets from him.

 

It isn't the truth that will hurt him, it's the lies. Right now, he doesn't know who you even are, as you've partitioned a part of your life away from him for the OM.

 

He has a right 2 make his own choices, don't you think? Most professionals will tell you that complete disclosure of the affair 2 the betrayed spouse is an absollute prerequisite for marital recovery. This includes tellling your H as much (or as little) detail as he feels he needs 2 give him all the missing pieces of the puzzle before him.

 

Most professionals will also tell you that the vast majority of betrayed spouses would prefer 2 rebuild the marriage rather than divorce.

 

It sounds like your husband is on the verge of "figuring it out" anyway, so I think it behooves you 2 tell him sooner rather than later. The longer it takes for him 2 discover the truth on his own, the less likely he will be 2 want 2 stay married 2 you.

 

As for the hurt that you are feeling, I think you need 2 consider what kind of person you want 2 be - what kind of legacy do you want 2 leave behind? What do you want your kids 2 do when/if they are placed in a similar si2ation? Would you recommend they 'follow their hearts' and have an affair? Or would you suggest they get in2 marriage counselling and find out why they might feel like going down the painful road of cheating and lying just 2 feel excitement for a time?

 

Do you want 2 learn from your experience? Or try and stuff it?

 

Even (more like "especially") affairs are tremendous opportunities for personal growth. Don't waste your hard-earned lessons, and don't rob your husband of the chance 2 show you just how much he loves you.

 

-ol' 2long

[InaPanic]

wow 2long, your post got to me. you made some very valid points. i have been almost narcissistic in this affair. And I can admit that. I'm not proud of it at all but I have not only risked my husbands mental health but my childrens life as they know it. And even now, and this is awful to say, I haven't been putting them first. I do need to learn something from this. You are right. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

But I am still not sure I think telling him is what we need. I do see the point of it's hard to heal when you haven't come clean. But I want to spare him the pain. I know that sounds to some as a wimpy way out for me. No I don't want to go into details but it's more for him than me. I cannot imagine how that would hurt. But it's human nature to want all the gory details. Right now I don't see how he's hurt. I hate to act like i'm calling him ignorant 'cause i'm not but "ignorance is bliss" comes to mind. I do agree, it would be bad for him to find out on his own. I am having a horrible time wanting to come clean. My friends keep advising me against it. They know what a great guy he is & they don't want to see my marriage ruined. Or him hurt. I know he loves me dearly, I'm afraid this will kill him.

[JamesM]

I have mixed feelings about this. In your case, I rather suspect that it would be better that you tell and get it over with.

 

Why? Because it is eating away at you. I feel that you will be carrying this burden and will let it affect your marriage. Soon your sex life will be affected and your whole relationship with your husband will be tainted. When you kiss him, you will think of the lie you are living. When you make love to him, you will think of sex with another man. And each and every day, you will know that your husband would be horribly hurt if her ever found out.

 

And another thing, this OM may someday show up in your life...then your husband will find out. Who knows? Life is strange.

 

I vote that you deal with it now and be done. Let the chips fall where they may. I am willing to guess that your husband is more resilient than you give him credit for.

[norajane]

I agree with the telling your husband part...he deserves the truth and more lies and covering up will always sit like a boulder between you.

 

I just know how I'd feel if my SO not only told me he's been having an A, but also knew that he was missing and pining for and crying about his OW, and that he wasn't sure he could stay away from her...

 

That's the part that would just make me throw all his things out on the lawn and change the locks without any discussion. Sorry, but the one thing I couldn't stomach is watching him feel something for her that he couldn't be bothered to feel for me, or much less comforting him for the loss of his OW.

 

If he stepped out because of some sweet words and an ego boost without even bothering to mention to me that he was feeling mid-life crisis or the need for some more sweet words, the last thing I would want is to witness his pain at missing his OW. And if he were still in contact with the OW...forget it.

 

So...I'm really torn. Maybe wait a few weeks until you're more stable and not crying so much about your OM?

[newbby]

why does he need to know that you are pining for the om, and do you really know if you will be pining for the om. i am sure once you have told him most of your tears will be for him. i think you should tell him, and quite often i dont agree that it is neccessary, but he sounds like a lovely guy, and it sounds as though he wont leave you when he finds out. i also agree that you need to do it in order to get the om out of your mind. without telling your h, you will find it all too easy to get back in contact with the om.

[newbby]

So...I'm really torn. Maybe wait a few weeks until you're more stable and not crying so much about your OM?

 

actually, thats better advice

[Guest]

My wife also had an affair years ago. I figured it out before she told me the truth. She could not keep her lies strait. We are still working on the marriage. I have chosen to stay for my children. Unfortunaely there is no winning situation here. I still do not trust my wife. She told so many lies I do not know when she is telling the truth now. I think your husband deserves to know the truth so he can make his own decision about his life. It has been 6 years for me and the pain is always there. You cannot undo the damage. but maybe you can learn from it and help others. Afairs are about lies, and lies always destroy. Good luck.

[Guest]

Aplles vs oranges? Do or don't tell? Please, I waited for the day my childresn grew up and become adults. Anywho, I also make time for whatever arises, like this girl calls and says, uh, uh, wann come up? I'll call later. Well, later isn't the point. Because. Besides, who wants their time is spent and just today left ~ the msg? Sweet. Blessed are the children.

 

Dind't expect a call after all this week. Had trouble w/connecty all week, finally fixed that. Also, verry upset with job. My job is no more. As of Monday, past. Have been on idle all week. Sooooo. Times spent. Now looking for another, that sounds like fun! Wasted time. A years half worth and more. Not looking forward to that ever again. EVER! Now, to find another, job. Da-n! Like the above, bobbing for apples in water jist taint my ting.

 

No pootain intended. Can't say I was total loss today but close! but all the same, glad to see someone made it out. Thanks.

 

Sound hurt, angry? No, just trying to imagine whenever my next step to where I go will be. There was so much temptation. And space. ANd. I dont look forward anymore, today atleast, just ahead. My head feels heavy, and my heart feel tainted and used up, again. I knew it was coming and couldn't or didn't have the courage to prolong the inevitable. The choice was theirs, and I am happy for them. I am sad again and feel it. But, come what may. And it did.

 

So folks, rejoice, over yonder, here I come. Or atleast I thought I would.

Maybe a different direction may be in store or a major change. Looking back will not pursue my thoughts again. This must be adament by me and ~it will.

 

Saying so long is soo hard, it does hurt, beyond control, beyond me. I feel it in my heavy heart, and the sting in my eyes...

 

When will my skies be blue again...and the sun beating down on me the wind against my back, oh lord let me find the right track, please just once again, this time?!

 

Why? I remain,

 

Ciou'

[queenbee930]

Sorry Guest, but I didn't understand a word of that? Mind clarifying?

 

I think you should tell. I used to keep secrets from my husband, before and after we were married because I was afraid of his reaction. I learned that lying to him for whatever reason, especially for long periods of time, makes the fallout way worse.

 

You don't want your husband thinking that u r unwilling to admit to, and work on, your mistakes.

 

If you don't tell him how will you ever figure out: What's reallly wrong with the marriage? What your real attachment to your OM really is? What issues you have?

 

No offense intended, but most people figure out that they have issues after doing things that they can't explain, and have devastating effect on them and those around them.

 

Be honest with your husband.

 

Good Luck!! I'm praying for u.

[Marcus as the Peanut]

Im confused here, was your affair EA/PA or just EA?

[Marcus as the Peanut]

This was posted on another board by a girl who calls her self SKM...

 

Myabe this can give you some tips ,to what to do!

 

 

Hi Everyone.

I know there are a lot of new people here who do not know my story. A year ago, I ended a 6 month EA/PA, and really didn’t know what I wanted out of life, out of my marriage - or even out of myself. At the time, I confessed the A to my H, I really wasn’t sure what I was doing. I didn’t know how the A started, I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. When I told my H about the EA/PA, I told him that I wanted to try and work things out - that I loved him and I didn’t know how this could have happened to us. In my mind, I was so confused, that I kind of told myself that I would “give it a year” to see what would happen. That if “things” didn’t get better, work out, whatever - then my H and I both would have to decide what to do.

 

Anyway, in April, it will have been 1 year since the EA/PA ended for good. My H and I are going to the Outer Banks for vacation, but I am planning several surprises for my H - to thank him for his love, kindness, compassion and patience over the past year. He really is the love of my life.

 

The following, I thought might be kind of interesting for some, but mainly, it was kind of a cleansing experience for myself - to see where I started and how far my H and I have come in recovery. It's a collection of some of my posts at various points in recovery.

 

I know we still have a long life/marriage ahead of us, but I thought I’d share the following. . .so, that BS and WS both can see that there is hope under the worst of situations. Again, THIS IS LONG, and I pretty much gathered all of this for my own development, but. . .If you find yourself needing something to read, to give you hope whatever your situation, here it is, the SKM CHRONICLES.

 

"Low-Life Slug Days(3 Months After DDay)

 

Right now, every day, I feel like this huge failure. Even though I know I've been forgiven by God and my H, I still feel pretty worthless. It's like I view everyone else on this higher level, an even level where no one has cheated, lied or gotten into trouble - and by the choices I made, I'm living on this sub-human level. I not only hurt the one person that I truly love, but I've completely blown any self-respect I may have had for myself.”

 

I've have asked my husband Why do you love me? Why do you stay with me when all I do is cry? Maybe it would be easier for me to leave? Each time, my H answers those questions lovingly, honestly and patiently. He loves me, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I guess he sees some good in me that I just can't right now.”

 

Panic & Stupid Questions (4 Months After DDay)

 

Today he (OM) calls. Just a few minutes ago. I'm in such a panic, my heart is in my throat. I truly don't know what to do. I know that I don't love this person, but can you ever be friends? In my mind, I think I crossed that line a long time ago, and it's too late to be friends. I really feel up-rooted right now. I don't want to hurt my H, I don't want to hurt my marriage, I just really need some to tell me what to do. If your reading, please respond.

 

My H is aware of the contact, but I didn't tell him about the first phone call until a week had past. Why? I don't know - even though there are probably a lot of theories out there. But for that one week, I felt absolutely miserable - not that I was starting anything up or wanted to, but I felt like I didn't say stop calling me strong enough. I'm a whimp. I have trouble saying no (and that's quite obvious).

I'll tell my H tonight, see what he thinks, get his help. I just hate unloading all of this stuff on him. I feel so darn selfish, it's all "me, me, me." Will it ever end? In my heart, I know it will eventually, and I know he stands with me. I don't want to be mean to the OM, but my H is more important to me than anyone else in this world. So, I just have to fix my focus again. When I posted earlier, I physically felt like I was going to vomit.

 

“I Don’t Know” - 4 ½ Months After DDay

 

As a betrayer, I give a lot of "I don't know" answers to my H - even now that we're almost 5 months into recovery. I don't use the "I don't know" response to get out of answering a tough question or to spare my H's feelings, I honestly don't know.

 

I don't know why the A happened, I don't know why I was attracted to this person, I don't know why I still think about the OM (occasionally), and I don't know why I cry sometimes, I don't know why I look distant, I don't know why I don't feel "happy" right now. I think they're genuine answers to difficult questions.

 

Well, everyday I'm with my H, I see how wonderful, caring and loving he is. He truly loves me - even after all I've put him through. He knows when something is wrong, and he cares enough to find out what it is. He's my best friend and an awesome H.

 

The love I have for my H may not be the same as when we first got married, but I think we will eventually have a stronger love.

 

High Expectations and “The Vacation” - 5 Months After DDay

 

I guess I expected the clouds to disappear and the skies to open - that the magic wand would have been waved and everything would be perfect - everything would go back to normal. Well, I guess my lesson learned is to be careful for what you wish for - because everything DID go back to normal. We were bickering over small things, I was irritable, I was moody, I was having doubts once again, I was thinking about the OM - again - I was thinking way too much.

 

Anyway, when we got home, I asked my H how he thought our vacation was - he said he had a great time. I asked him to rank it among other vacations that we had taken, and he gave it a B+. He asked me what I thought, and I said (excuse my verbiage) I thought it sucked. And he asked why, so I told him how I was feeling - what I had expected - that it wasn't anybody's fault (maybe even more my fault than his), I just wished it would have been different - more loving than bickering. And it wasn't all bickering, but I guess that's what I focused on - I guess it was my perception, I don't know if it was warped or what - but my H thought things went great. But I gave the vacation a C - average, nothing spectacular.

 

I then asked my H to name five things that were good about the trip - his number one answer was that he got to spend it with me. I melted.

 

I guess I finally realized that we may not have a perfect marriage - but we're trying.

 

Remorse, Again - 5 ½ Months After DDay

 

But, I'm having those feelings all over again - that I'm worthless, that I don't know why my H still loves me - even after the affair, even after I told him that our vacation sucked.

 

When you're younger, you always try to think about who you will be when you grow up, what you'll be doing . . .Well, I don't really like the person I've become, or the type of person I represent.

 

Now, I realize that I don't really like who I am, what I did. I cry most of the time - instead of laugh. I'm irritable and moody - not loving or lovable. I make no positive contributions to my life or anyone else's. My H deserves better than me, the world could do without me. (Have you noticed that the pity party has started?)

 

The Freakin’ Plates - 6 Months After DDay

 

Lately, I've been trying to do nice things for my H - buying him little things, calling him, e-mailing him. . .trying to do my share of rebuilding our marriage. But he can get into bad moods, too, and the other night he wanted me to move so that he could get some plates out for dinner. . .And I said that the plates in the dishwasher are clean, let me get two out of there. . .I figured, hey no sense getting out new plates then putting away more plates. . .They were all clean, right. . .call me lazy. . .but he just looked at me with this disgusted look. . .Mind you, I have been trying really hard to change and not be so selfish. . .and I was in a really good mood - for once, those seem hard to come by, at least in the early stages. . .But anyway, no thank you for getting the plates out, nothing. . .that didn't bother me, but I could tell he wasn't happy . . .because if you don't do it his way, well, you just aren't doing it right. . .I don't want to sound mean, but we got into a little tiff - about freakin plates!

 

That led to me thinking, what did I do wrong, do you still love me, are you always going to love me. . .For a WS, I think we, in the back of our minds are still worried that our Hs haven't really forgiven us - that if it were so easy for us to have an affair (especially since I wasn't looking for one) then when I'm a monster, or get cranky. . .will he say "that's it, that's enough." It scares me to think that he would leave me. . .but it's a very real fear. . .I think mainly because I haven't actually forgiven myself and that maybe - even though he's always been faithful to me - I could stand to lose him. . .That I did this horrible thing and a plate or a look could send him over the edge and packing. . .

 

Coming To My Senses? - 7 Months After DDay

 

I guess for me. . .it has been 3 months since absolute no contact, it's been over 6 months since I ended the affair. . .and in all honesty, I finally see and realize that I never loved the OM - it was an infatuation - it was someone making me feel special, making me feel attractive, making me feel happy. . .Yeah, I guess he was meeting some of my needs, whatever they were at the time. . .but now, after three months of no contact, I really can see the relationship for what it was - it wasn't love.

 

Sometimes, I feel like we take each other for granted, but you know I would rather be working on my marriage (to the greatest guy in the world) than maintaining contact with the OM. . .My H really is my best friend and I cannot imagine my life without him in it. . .Sometimes, it takes that realization for the WS to break out of the fog. . .For me, I finally decided that I could not hurt my H anymore, that I had to give 100% to my marriage, and after 6 months, things have gotten better.

 

The affair is nothing but an illusion of happiness and that true happiness comes from within.

 

I myself am a WS spouse, and sometimes I lash out at my H, and at times it seems like I am one huge blob of irritableness, insensitivity, selfishness, and negativity. I feel like a walking nightmare sometimes. . .

 

There are days I just want to quit my job and sell coconuts on the beach - but deep down I know that will never happen.

 

More Revelations - 8 Months After DDay

 

At the time, I knew my H was a loving and patient person. But, now, after 7 months, I am finally starting to really appreciate what he has gone through, for "us." And we're finally starting to meet each others' needs -instead of my H just trying to meet my needs.

 

I'm learning and growing too. I cannot change the past - I'm just learning to live with it. But, if a Genie came along and granted me one wish - it would be that this whole thing never would have happened. So, I consider the affair a mistake - cause if I had to do it over again, I would have chosen not to have one.

 

But for me, the affair brought out everything that was "ugly" in me as far as my character was concerned. I lied more and cheated more than I ever thought possible. I hurt and caused pain beyond what I thought humanly possible. Yes, I am a better person today than I was during the affair. But the credit doesn't go to the OM, to my H, or even to me. For me, the fact that I am a "better" person today - well, the credit belongs to God.

 

Remorse, Again and June Cleaver - 8 Months After DDay

 

I'm doing okay I guess. I have days were I feel really upbeat and then there are days I just feel blah. The past few days I've been pretty blah. Lately, I guess I've just been thinking too much.

 

I guess I've just been thinking a lot about how much time I have wasted in this whole affair mess - I don't know. I think it's a whole new level of remorse - not as severe, but different. And I know, I can't change the past, I need to rejoice in today - but today, I just regret the time that I have missed out on.

 

I KNOW it's stupid so don't get mad at me - I just feel like "what kind of mother would I make anyway?" I'm not exactly June Cleaver. . .And I think about how children are a blessing from God, and maybe, well, maybe I just don't deserve that kind of blessing now.

 

Tis the Season To Be Jolly - 9 Months After DDay

 

This past weekend, my H and I went to two Christmas Parties - one was being held by a mutual friend and one was being held primarily by one of my friends. We went to both, but on both nights of the parties, it took all I had to get myself together and to get myself into a "social" mood.

 

No one knows about my A - except for me, my H and the OM So, whenever I go into a social situation with friends, I always feel like I'm keeping this dark, nasty secret - that on top of all the bad feelings I've been having lately, well, throw alcohol into the mix - and I'm just a disaster waiting to happen.

 

In fact, last night I sat in the living room and just cried my eyes out while my H put up our Christmas tree. I didn't even have the energy this year to get a tree, and I always have a tree - even make a big event out of decorating it.

 

All WSs have their crosses to bear - mine is learning to forgive myself, and it's been very very hard. If I don't watch it or shake out of those "remorseful" periods, I am no better of a recovered WS than someone who is still involved in an affair.

 

I think the one thing that has helped my H and I get through this is open and honest communication. And I guess, for me at least, that my H would just sit in silence with me if I didn't feel like talking, he would ask questions, he would ask follow-up, probing questions to get at how I was feeling, but the most important thing was that he was willing to listen to what I had to say and at least try to understand where I was coming from.

 

I mean, he doesn't know what I'm going through - or what I went through - or why it happened, but he listens with an open mind. It's kind of like putting antiseptic on a wound, at first all this honest communication stings, but I think it has helped us to heal. My H has never once berrated me - even though I know I have hurt him and I know I can be frustrating at times. He never gave up on me - and I guess that's what really mattered in the end.

 

The Idealist - Where Were You a Year Ago? - 10 Months After DDay

 

I'm a Christian, and while I haven't been a good example of Christian fortitude in the past, I guess my relationship with God has become stronger. So, now, when I read the posts about what people wish for the OP (and I think it should also be said about the WS, too) - no matter how horrible the OP/WS has been, I guess I just get "sad" to hear all this anger and bitterness. I'm a very introspective person - like you probably couldn't tell- but I think a lot about everything. I'm not saying that people shouldn't come here and vent. In fact I think everyone has a right to be angry, sad, hurt, whatever by what is happening to them. But, at this point in my recovery, it's just sad that there has to be so much anger and bitterness. Again, perfectly normal and probably okay to feel that way - but when that anger or bitterness makes people say ugly things - I don't know - I am in no way judging people at all - but it just makes me sad.

 

It does feel good to know that I'm not just shooting blanks - that maybe something I have said has touched someone - anyone. You all have been a blessing to me as well.

 

What I've Learned - 11 Months(totally plagiarized from a response given to me by Just Learning)

 

In one year have taken [my] marriage down to its bedrock and found that it was firmly set on bedrock not sifting sand.

 

In one year have learned that [my] H loves [me] more than he can say or show.

 

In one year have learned that despite temptation do love [my] H.

 

In one year have learned to appreciate the good qualities of [my] H.

 

In one year your H has learned to appreciate the good qualities in you.

 

In one year [we] both have learned something that many people never learn. That people love and are good to one another not because they are perfect but in spite of their imperfections.

 

In one year [we] both have learned how to take a marriage to a new depth.

 

In one year [we] have learned that the future is not that predictable so do the best with the present that you can.

 

In one year [we] have learned not to forget. So [we won’t] ever forget what [we] have learned.

 

The reason this year was a success is because [my H and I] refused to let it be a failure."

 

To all my friends at Marriagebuilders, especially Just Learning, I thank God every day for guiding me to this site. All of the caring people, all of the sharing of ideas, all of the warmth that has come through to me through your responses, well, it’s made life in my little corner of the world a little easier and a little sweeter than when I started.

 

I will never be able to put into words how much all of you mean to me, and I cannot adequately express my sincere appreciation for the words of encouragement, words of honesty, and words of understanding. There were a thousand times I was ready to give up or give in - but you all wouldn’t let me, my H wouldn't let me. And, all I can say to everyone here is “thank you from the bottom of my heart.” I think my H and I are going to be just fine.

 

In April, I plan to do the offical one-year post. My H also agreed to post with me - only the second time he has done so.

 

Anyway - to anyone who read through this - congratulations - this was my LONGEST post, but not my last

[RecordProducer]

On one day, people will tell you that you have to tell your husband, on another NOT to, depending on whom you run onto.

 

Your husband will be devastated even if he suspects something. He hasn't asked you anything and comments can be spilled in the fly without any hidden thoughts behind it. The fact is he doesn't know. If you tell him he will know.

 

Will it improve your marriage if he finds out? Absolutely not! Don't even think that it will be easier for you (not to mention him) if he would know. It could improve your marriage if your husband were a very bad husband and you cheated out of revenge so maybe an affair would put some sense into his mind. Actually telling him does sound like you subconsciously want revenge. I have a feeling that you weren't so happy with him so you looked for another man - someone who would give you what your husband can't give you.

 

In any case, that's not how you fix anything - with affairs. Is it more moral to tell or not to tell? I don't think either is moral. It's moral to be a good spouse, to work on your marriage, and be faithful. I only know that you haven't been faithful, but I don't know how good each one of you has been as a spouse and how much effort you have put into the relationship.

 

Why did you cheat in the first place? What was wrong with the marriage? I can understand that you probably had your reasons, although I think you chose to hurt yourself. So spare your husband and don't hurt him too.

[InaPanic]

JamesM, my sex life has been affected. For one thing I am on prozac now & that does have an affect. I hate to say this because it sounds so cruel but when he touches me now I feel nothing. I just want to cry during sex. Before we had a good sex life. You cannot compare 'new' sex to 'old' sex, it's not a fare comparison. Of course the few times I had sex with OM seemed to be wonderful. When I think about it now it hurts so bad because sex to me is an intimate thing & after being with OM....well, I'm having a hard time blocking those memories. I don't think the OM would ever show up or tell my husband. He just seems to want out at this moment. I do think the guilt is killing me though.

norajane, i agree that I also cannot imagine comforting someone who is crying over OM/OW. That is expecting, in my opinion, too much. I would think it would only add to anger & resentment. I'm not even 24 hours into NC & I know I have rough days ahead. I also know I still feel weak when it comes to OM & fear if he trys to contact me I will break. NOT a reason to tell my husband but it's one I think about. If he knows I will have no choice.

newby, I am pining for OM. I think if husband knew about A, he'd know why i was crying. I do think a lot of my focus would shift from OM to H though. If I honestly feared losing H then I may snap out of this crap for OM. But as I said originally, that's a risky reason to tell.

Guest (the one that made sense), your post scares me most of all. You are years into this & still suffering, still not trusting your wife. I cannot imagine living out my years like this. In some ways I would rather be divorced & alone than to be miserable & for him to be miserable.

queenbee, part of my problem is I have NEVER kept secrets from my H. He has seriously always been my best friend. I've told him everything. I think that's why this is killing me. How did i ever think I could do this?

Marcus, I'm sorry I still don't know all the initial codes. It was an extra marital affair. Not sure what PA stand for.

RecordProducer, I do think he suspects. The most obvious comments he's made to me recently while I have been crying have been: 'i could never share you with someone else', 'there is no other man waiting in the wings for you?'. I do think he may suspect but maybe really isn't sure if he wants to know. I do think that if there is anyway to not let him know he will be a happier person. Maybe that's just what I want to think.

We had a marriage that I KNOW other couples looked at & said I wish we were that happy. I've had people say that to me. We had our quarrels & of course after 18 years of marriage there are things that annoy you that would annoy anyone together that long. But overall I don't think it was bad in the least. He would do anything for me. I do believe it was just me getting caught up in the thrill of the chase by the OM, the attention & I mean constant attention he was giving me, the things he said to me. It was overwhelming for me. I was on cloud 9 so to speak. My husband always made me feel sexy & attractive even at my worst, always. But this was different. I read that hormones are released in the brain during times like what I had with OM & that the brain becomes addicted to these chemicals & craves them when they are gone. I think that's what happened, I swear. I think it became addictive the feelings I was getting from him. I lost all judgement when I decided to meet him. He had me believing we were soul mates, that I was the love of his life. He had me smitten for lack of a better word.

What a fool I was. And now I have to try to live with this.

Sorry this is so long.

[newbby]

you need to let it go, and telling your h also prolongs it, keeps it in your mind and therefore keeps the addicton alive possibly. for that reason it might be better not to say anything. there are so many pro's and con's that going over and over them will only drive you mad. just make a decision and stick to it. i think you have decided not to tell your h and perhaps this is best for you for now. concentrate on getting over the addiction to om. you can make other decisions when your head is clearer.

[newbby]

as for getting over him, it wont take as long as you imagine. also, you arent a fool, anyone could fall for these lines...

[InaPanic]

My husband just left to go help a friend do some work on his house. I just started sobbing....he took me to the bedroom & hugged me & I just cried & cried. I feel like I am going mad. I came so close to just saying 'i've done something really bad'. But I stopped myself & I'm glad. I honestly feel like it would be best for him not to tell him. I am suffering for OM too much right now & I cannot expect him to comfort me thru this though I suppose in a way he is & doesn't realize it.

I have to be honest & I wonder if anyone else in my situation has ever felt like this. I try to remember my life before this affair. I try to think about things that made me happy, things I used to do. It doesn't make me happy to think about those things now. It's just the opposite. My life before this A seems like it was so dull & boring & all the things I used to do seem dull & boring. I know this sounds incredibly weird or selfish but is it normal? I'm so afraid now that I have had a taste of the excitement that I may be tempted to do this again later on. WTF? What is wrong with me? Why am I thinking like this??? I worry that I will never get the feelings back for my H & the thought of being in a marriage where I'm unhappy makes me feel crazy inside.

Is all this normal to think like this when ending an affair & getting over the OM & trying to get your life back? Or am I just going off the deep end?

Thank you all so much for talking to me. It helps.

[newbby]

My husband just left to go help a friend do some work on his house. I just started sobbing....he took me to the bedroom & hugged me & I just cried & cried. I feel like I am going mad. I came so close to just saying 'i've done something really bad'. But I stopped myself & I'm glad. I honestly feel like it would be best for him not to tell him. I am suffering for OM too much right now & I cannot expect him to comfort me thru this though I suppose in a way he is & doesn't realize it.

I have to be honest & I wonder if anyone else in my situation has ever felt like this. I try to remember my life before this affair. I try to think about things that made me happy, things I used to do. It doesn't make me happy to think about those things now. It's just the opposite. My life before this A seems like it was so dull & boring & all the things I used to do seem dull & boring. I know this sounds incredibly weird or selfish but is it normal? I'm so afraid now that I have had a taste of the excitement that I may be tempted to do this again later on. WTF? What is wrong with me? Why am I thinking like this??? I worry that I will never get the feelings back for my H & the thought of being in a marriage where I'm unhappy makes me feel crazy inside.

Is all this normal to think like this when ending an affair & getting over the OM & trying to get your life back? Or am I just going off the deep end?

Thank you all so much for talking to me. It helps.

 

the affair relationship is exciting and dramatic and romantic, and no, normal relationships dont usually create the same kind of intensity or chemistry. they are also unstable, stressful and harmful, and normal relationships are not. what you need to focus on is what is the most important. i always think it is unhealthy to be addicted to any dramatic situation, unhealthy people are drawn to them, and they create even more unbalance. i was the ow in an a, and at the time i was in such a mental state that any distraction was good. only something as dramatic as an a could distract me, not that it was something i sought, but once in it i found it hard to get out of. after awhile of working on myself on that underlying cause then i began to see how good it is to be calm. you have a husband who loves you, this kind of thing is calm and good. maybe not the exciting kind of joy of the a, but a much deeper joy. dont throw it away, so many people would yearn for this kind of love. your h sounds so lovely.