cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[Mz. Pixie]

The strange thing is, knowing he tried to call & I didnt' call back gave me a little bit of satisfaction.

 

Talking to him online is still breaking NC.

 

The reason it gave you satisfaction is simple. He told you he didn't want to have anything to do with you earlier- and that hurt you like hell. In reality, he is the one who dumped you- because he wasn't ready to take your relationship to the next level.

 

Now that he's contacting you again, that gives you ego a boost. It's understandable but you don't need to go down that road.

 

NC is very hard when you're in withdrawal- but it gets easier by the day. What you need to do is focus on your H and your kids and stay busy.

 

Do you work? If not I would suggest a job of some sorts or a new hobby- exercise?? You see what I mean?? Keep busy.

 

I was like you however when the OM contacted me after we'd broken it off it felt good- even though I didn't want to be with him- but we were further along in our NC than you are now.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I am so frustrated that I am not concentrating more on my H & kids than I am thinking about the A that I hate myself.

 

 

tell your husband and I garantee you will be thinking about your H and kids....and it will help with NC.

 

 

or just keep it all in and feel like this for a few more months....

[a4a]

tell your husband and I garantee you will be thinking about your H and kids....and it will help with NC.

 

 

or just keep it all in and feel like this for a few more months....

 

I agree with this. I think it will be more like years not months and the reason you went to this OM will not be resolved either.... your marriage will get worse as you have not gotten to the cause of your action.

 

Tell your H.... prepare to work hard and deal with it.

[InaPanic]

I am fighting the urge to call OM so bad right now. I have gone so far as to actually put the number in the phone but not hit call. I cannot believe how hard this is. I have tried to busy myself & my mind just strays constantly to him.

 

My H is going to be home soon. I am debating just telling him but I know it's for the wrong reasons. Its for ME, not him. It's so I can maybe fear losing him & that it will snap me out of this for OM. But it could bite me in the butt. By telling him I risk losing him too. I have to think about how everything is going to change in my life even worse than it is now.

 

As someone said earlier, my brick wall is just around the corner.

[a4a]

I am fighting the urge to call OM so bad right now. I have gone so far as to actually put the number in the phone but not hit call. I cannot believe how hard this is. I have tried to busy myself & my mind just strays constantly to him.

 

My H is going to be home soon. I am debating just telling him but I know it's for the wrong reasons. Its for ME, not him. It's so I can maybe fear losing him & that it will snap me out of this for OM. But it could bite me in the butt. By telling him I risk losing him too. I have to think about how everything is going to change in my life even worse than it is now.

 

As someone said earlier, my brick wall is just around the corner.

 

selfish thinking..... It is not for you to decide for your husband if he should stay with a cheating wife.....

 

holy smokes..... good twist tho.

 

the reason you do not want to tell your H is because you don't want to quit the OM...... you don't want to risk losing your H....

 

Maybe if you face it things will get better.... lying and wanting the OM certainly won't. And it is not going to just go away. What happens when you have to see the OM again.... 2 days from now or 6 months you will be right back where you are now.

[Adora]

You do not seem to be getting any better as the days go by.. I know my previous posts were tell him or don't tell him.. but I can't help but feel so much remorse for your husband - He SHOULD know, now. Stop waiting. Don't not tell him because you fear he will leave or whatever else.. that is your consequence if it should come down to that. You are acting very selfish and that isn't fair to him. The ball was in your court for those months, playing your game - I think you should pass it over to your husband and let him have a few shots himself.. its only fair.

 

The fact that you tried, and almost did again contacting the OM.. you are still cheating Even if you haven't 'spoken' to him, you are keeping the illusion alive in your head.. visualizing yourself with the OM while your H is still in the dark with the whole situation.

 

Sooner or later it will all come out, the sooner the better. Don't make him find out on his own. Don't continue, day by day, lying to him and making him feel sympathy for you over something he doesn't even know about.. I am sure he'd be around A LOT more once you let the cat outta the bag.

 

I really think that you guys need to work on this asap. Go to a MC.. work on his schedule, spend more quality time together.. It makes me so sad to see how he is out working, paying the bills, providing for your family, while you are sitting at home day-dreaming about this OM.. I really feel for your husband, and I feel for you as well because you are allowing yourself to be so blinded by this infatuation. That is all it is InaPanic. Throughout this thread you talk about wanting to spend more time with your husband.. I truely believe you wouldn't be having these problems if he were around more often.

 

My only suggestion I can offer right now is to please talk with your husband as soon as possible. Let him know what has been going on, and that you can't help but be confused (which you are) - tell him YOU need help.

 

If you are so confused about this.. if you don't know if your marriage is what you want anymore.. do you not see that it is completely unfair for your husband to not know? I honestly think you are attached to this 'new' feeling the OM gave you.. I was there, it doesn't last.. It isn't the best thing in the world since sliced bread.. you think it is, but trust me when I say it is not.

 

If you are afraid of telling your H details.. write it down and let him read it if you can not manage to say the words. But be there when he reads it. You both will need eachother more than ever when it comes out, but it can be worked on, and things can be 'better' again. You need to make the first move.

[a4a]

the longer you lie to your H the more betrayed he will feel. Hide it for months and he will look at you: not only did you cheat but you hid it all this time.... wow that would be a double blow if I were your H.

[Adora]

the longer you lie to your H the more betrayed he will feel. Hide it for months and he will look at you: not only did you cheat but you hid it all this time.... wow that would be a double blow if I were your H.

 

I agree 100%! Thing is, he will look at it like 'woah, you have been lying all this time? I thought you were depressed over <insert random daily thing that depresses people - not affairs> - I comforted you when you were hurting.. and this is what it was about!?'

 

Ok, so maybe that won't be exactly how the conversation will go.. but I am almost certain it will be somewhat similar.

 

Please don't delay the enivitable any longer, for both of your sakes. It will begin your healing process immediately, at least partially then you two can work on repairing your marriage.

[norajane]

I am fighting the urge to call OM so bad right now. I have gone so far as to actually put the number in the phone but not hit call. I cannot believe how hard this is. I have tried to busy myself & my mind just strays constantly to him.

 

You're sitting at home alone in front of the computer while your H is at work and your girls are in school - you should try getting out of the house so you aren't so close to the scene of the crime...your computer.

 

Didn't you mention that once the girls were back in school, you'd go and help your H out with his business? Why don't you surprise him and go there now? Or call him and tell him you're on your way to help out?

 

If you can't bring yourself to be around your H, then go somewhere else! Go for a walk or a bike ride. Focus your thoughts on your family, and maybe prepare a special meal and get some videos for tonight - it's your daughters' first week of school, so do something special to celebrate. Bake or buy a cake or their favorite dessert after dinner. Buy some flowers to brighten up the place, and some candles for the table. Plan a little party for your family.

 

Point being, the more you start to do FOR your H and your girls, the less you'll be focusing on OM and yourself.

 

Instead, it seems like you're just sitting around the house hoping that you'll stop thinking about OM, but not doing much to actually change your situation. It's like that saying - if you tell yourself not to think about pink elephants, that's all you'll end up thinking about.

[InaPanic]

Thank you all so much for standing by me & offering your 'words of wisdom' & advice. It has helped me make it through the days sometimes.

 

Adora, I am not gettng any better. I am ashamed to admit this but today I broke NC with OM. In no way resuming any affair but I did talk to him. Yes, I hate myself. Yes, I feel incredibly weak & f**ked up & stupid. I feel for my H too. He's too good of a guy to have had this done to him. I still cannot believe I did what I did for so long to him & I suppose, am still doing. But when I imagine him crying over this it just tears me up. I know it's the 'new' feeling I am attracted to I guess. But that feeling isn't there anymore so why do I still have this addiction to him? I have considered writing a letter to him but haven't.

 

Do you really think it hurts worse if it's awhile before he finds out? Can it hurt any worse really?

 

norajane, you have given me wonderful advice about getting out & doing things. Other events in my life where I have been sad or 'depressed' over something I have been able to do just that. Focus on something else. This is like nothing i've ever experienced. Today, for example, I showered & took my youngest to her schools open house for one hour. After about 30 minutes I started feeling an anxiety attack coming on. I knew i was about to cry (& not necesarily over OM, this is what happens when i go out). I had to hurry & duck into the library where no one was, cried my eyes out as quietly as i could, composed myself & headed to the car. If I am out for any length of time this is what happens. I am beginning to feel like I can't leave the house. I was reading on Dr. Phil website today that if you put out the image of being depressed & thinking negative thoughts you WILL remain that way. It suggested acting perky whether you are or not & the brain will soon follow. Again, easier said than done sometimes. I've never in my life felt like a mentally unstable person. This is the first time I honestly worry about my mental health. I should be a poster child for any person considering having an affair & what it can do to you.

 

2long, my H is someone I have always gone to for help. And I am at a point I have never needed help more in my life. Another reason for wanting to tell him is wanting his help. But can i expect him to help me once he knows? He'll be so angry he probably won't put an arm around me for a long time, much less hold me & I don't mean when i'm upset over OM but when im upset over US.

 

I do believe that one reason I am having a hard time letting go of OM & the end of the A is that I cannot accept that I threw away so many years of being a faithful, good wife for something that wasn't real. For somethign that lasted 3 months, for someone who wasn't really who I thought they were. I think I believe he MUST be who I thought he was otherwise, what a fool I am for what I did. I am having a hard time letting go, yes, because I don't want to believe it is what it is.

[whichwayisup]

Make yourself an appointment for a therapist. Fix yourself first THEN talk to your husband. Gain the strength so you can NEVER contact the OM.

 

I'm trying to sympathize with you, but as soon as you start making progress you go and contact the OM! Let him go on with his life...I'm sure he is wondering wtf as you keep contacting him, then he calls you and then you ignore him. Sooner or later he might tell ya where to go...Actually that might not be a bad thing. If the OM tells YOU never to contact him - Maybe it would be easier knowing he isn't into you and doesnt' want to hear from you.

 

Panic, you got to make a decision and stick to it. Waivering back and forth is just making your life worse.

[InaPanic]

I know it is hard to sympathise with me when I did contact OM. He had wanted us to remain in touch & stay friends & see what happened later on down the road. Limbo. That's when I did the NC email because I didn't think I could do that. Then I had such a horrible time during those few NC days that I started thinking 'maybe i can do the friendship thing & it will allow me to slowly ween myself off of him'. After talking to him yesterday I felt somewhat better, like I can do that. But now I don't think I can, I don't think it's a good idea.

 

I am going to seek therapy. At this point I don't think I can afford not to do it. One of my daughters is spending the night with a friend. If the other one, per chance, gets invited somewhere I may just do this tonight. I don't want to tell him when the girls are home. I don't want to risk that because i would still like for them to know nothing.

[InaPanic]

today my husband & I were out shopping for our daughters birthday, just the two of us. The conversation turned sexual & we started talking about when we were first together some of the things we did, you know crazy stuff you do when you are young & in love/lust. It was such a fun conversation. He brought up things I had forgotten. It made me remember that yeah, there was a time I was way more in love & lust with him than the OM ever brought out in me. I don't honestly know if now, after all these years, one could ever get those same exciting feelings again that you get when it is all new, i really doubt we could. But it was nice to remember that stuff.

We had alone time last night. I watched a football game with him, not really romantic, lol, but he enjoyed it. We just snuggled some on the couch. I made sure to initiate sex that night.....sad to say i still felt nothing. Damn medicine is killing me. But the more i do it with him & the longer the time since I did with OM the more it will become a distant memory.

I did not tell him anything last night. the last two days i have had bad times still yet, no doubt, but i have seen some more good times. In other words not all miserable all day & crying. I've actually felt a little like me this weekend on a few occasions. Tomorrow i am calling around for a therapist. I am going to try to wait & see if I think i can get through this before making any decision to tell him.

[Mz. Pixie]

I wish you would purchase "His Needs Her Needs How to Affair Proof your marriage" By willard harley.

 

Reading this last night for the second time there is alot of good information in there about why you feel this way and what makes you feel like you can't ever regain those feelings.

 

In your love bank- your husband has made withdrawals- based on things that he's done to hurt you or things that have happened- ie, real life things- mortgage payments- telling you no you can't have a new car when you can't afford it etc. This OM hasn't made any withdrawals from your bank- only deposits. That is why it feels so good. That is why you are craving that.

 

The reality is IP- no relationship can be that way. Even if you leave your H and find someone new- you're still going to have problems. Because every relationship has some type of problem. You'll eventually get to that point with anyone you're with- so you need to learn how to fix what's broke instead of disposing of people once that "good" feeling is gone.

 

STOP TALKING TO OM.

[InaPanic]

I told my husband today. I hit my brick wall. It was awful. As soon as i told him, as soon as i did, i regretted it. How can this be better? he was crushed. He fell apart. He had NO clue, he was blindsided by this. I ****ing hate myself for doing this to him & then being too weak to keep it inside of me..

 

it's almost midnight & he's out yet

 

i am so worried............

[whichwayisup]

Look, as painful as this was for you and obviously him, this had to happen. It was KILLING you, lying to him....Even if you don't believe it now, you DID do the right thing...And, at some point, he'll respect you for coming clean and telling him...

 

All I can say is, let him react how he is going to react. Let him talk, ask questions (and answer ALL his questions truthfully, maybe show him the emails and stuff from the OM so he could see...Morbid maybe but he may still want to see and want to know ALL, so be prepared) Let him get mad, sympathize with him and just let him know you love him, you f*ked up bigtime, and you want to make it right again by going to counselling, fixing the needs that weren't being met....

 

Show him in action too, that you ARE worthy of his trust...That one day when he is ready he CAN trust and love you fully again.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, you have my support here tonight. Again, you did the right thing by telling him. I am proud of you because I'm sure that was not easy to do.

 

Keep posting and get your thoughts out, k.

[whichwayisup]

then being too weak to keep it inside of me..

 

No, you are not weak. You found your strength! You didn't take the easy way out and keep it to yourself...You told him the truth BECAUSE it was the only real option if you want to save your marriage.

 

I don't believe that you could have kept this secret from him forever...

[Mz. Pixie]

I told my husband today. I hit my brick wall. It was awful. As soon as i told him, as soon as i did, i regretted it.

 

What exactly were you expecting?? Of course it was awful! You just told him.

 

You're going to have to give him time to process and it's going to take alot of hard work- but it can get better! It can!!!

[Tatara]

Hope you are doing well. Hang in there.

[CuteAndInnocent]

I am proud of you for doing the right thing. It doesn't feel good now, but I'm sure at some point you will feel very relieved that you are being truthful and making things right.

[Adora]

InaPanic, hope you are doing ok since last night. I know it had to be extremely difficult to tell him the truth, but in reality, it was the best thing to do.

 

You are so very wrong in thinking that you were weak by releasing yourself to him... it is the complete opposite. You were STRONG to do so, and right in doing so.

 

Do as WWIU suggested. Give him all information he requests.. do not hold anything back.. he will sense that you are holding back. Listen to him. Hear his thoughts and embrace them. Show him that you love him more than anything and that you want so badly to remedy the issues you have brought forth. Don't allow the guilt to fill you up inside and hold you back.

 

This is the beginning of the healing process for both you and your husband, if he allows it. Give him time to cope, to understand, to figure out what he thinks he needs to do from here. Do not push information at him, do not force feed anything to him.. let him clear his mind first and decide what to do from there.

 

I praise you for having the courage to tell him. It would have come out eventually, but being that you finally were able to take that step and do it willingly shows that you do love him and that you do want to make things better, and after the wounds start to heal for your H he will hopefully see this too.

 

It takes time, so be prepared to be patient now.

[norajane]

You weren't weak to tell your H. You were weak to have the affair, weak to deceive and lie to your H in order to protect yourself from seeing his pain and to protect yourself from the consequences. Telling him was the first strong thing you've done since getting into this affair.

 

I'm not saying this to throw stones. I'm hoping you'll think about it and take it to heart so that you don't give your husband the impression that you're not sorry about having the affair or that you're only sorry about telling him...that you think telling him was the worst thing you did here. Please don't let the words, "I'm sorry I told you," become the message he hears from you instead of "I'm sorry I did this to our family." He needs to see that you're taking responsibility for your actions and not that you wish you had kept deceiving him.

 

This is going to take a lot of time and work - a lot of steps forward and back - but you have the best chance of making things better for all of you now that you've started being honest about what's going on with you and your marriage.

 

I hope your H came home in one piece last night. Please keep posting. There are lots of people here who have been in your shoes and can help support you.

[CarryingOn123]

I am possibly the last person fit to give relationship advice, but I think that whichever way it goes, you did the right thing by being honest. Without trust and sincerity there can be no worthwhile relationship. if a building is damaged by an earthquake, it would be ill adviced to build on it, there is no use building up if the foundation is damaged, you have to tear it down and start again. I think you did the right thing. Hope things work out for both of you.

[InaPanic]

Thanks again everyone.

 

I have to say that when i last posted I couldn't have regretted telling him more if I'd tried. Since then I now feel like I did the right thing. I may not feel like this tomorrow or a week from tomorrow but right now I do.

 

Things are not perfect but they are not nearly as devestated as i had feared they would be. He has slept in the same bed with me the last two nights. Last night he even initiated snuggling- big time, holding onto me tightly snuggling. It felt very good.

 

We have talked. He says he wants me to get treatment. He has said because i need to get better so I can take care of my kids because he's not sure he can stay. But he hasn't left so that's a good sign. He has said, while crying, that this would be so much easier if he could just hate me but he can't.

 

I think he is in denial right now & anger is probably just around the corner. I am preparing myself for it & ready to deal with whatever lashing out he does. He hasn't been cruel or said horrible things to me yet. He may not. He's by nature a kind & gentle person.

 

I have not just said to him I wished i hadn't told him. I did say that the first day quite a few times. BUt i have apologized to him, told him i regretted what i did probably 200 times so far. every day, every time it comes up i apologize to him. And i say I cannot change what i did but if i could i most certainly would.

 

The most amazing part of all of this is, for nearly 6 weeks i have felt like i was dying inside, like i was pining away for OM. Obsessive almost. And i'm not making light of that, i have no doubt he was an addiction. But after the initial fall out of telling my H, i seem much more calm. I haven't woken up shaking & jittery & ready to cry. Maybe my guilt was eating me alive & manifesting in my head as a need for OM when all it really was was the guilt. I don't know.

 

All i can do is take this day by day. Hope for the best.

 

I still have my own doubts that I am trying to keep to myself & not express to my H yet. Worry that I am capable of doing this again, worried that maybe I don't still have the love for him I used to, worried about being 'content' but not 'happy. I cannot tell him any of this. There is truth & there is brutal truth. I cannot put salt in his wounds right now.

[TheSilentType]

I told my husband today. I hit my brick wall. It was awful. As soon as i told him, as soon as i did, i regretted it. How can this be better? he was crushed. He fell apart. He had NO clue, he was blindsided by this. I ****ing hate myself for doing this to him & then being too weak to keep it inside of me..

 

it's almost midnight & he's out yet

 

i am so worried............

 

Yes, it is painful and difficult. But it was the right thing to do (and good for you for having the integrity to do so)...its never right to just go on deceiving another person and betraying their trust.

 

And don't feel bad for being too "weak" to keep it inside of you. These kinds of things eat DECENT people up. It would have been hard to keep the guilt inside forever