cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[Tatara]

Everything your OM said to you or did to you (sexually or emotionally) that made you feel so special, aren't these the types of things that your husband did/said when you two were first dating/meeting/getting to know each other? Do you remember those things in him? When you think about the OM, try replacing those thoughts with thoughts of your husband.

 

You sound so fond of your husband, he sounds like an incredible man. Mine is just as wonderful. Over the years of being together I have often felt like even though I know he loves me so much - I constantly want to see it more. I don't feel like I deserve him being so awesome to me. I feel below him. I want to do everything possible to make and keep him happy. This could be how you are feeling when it comes to telling him about the affair. Sorta like "How can I take so much from him, and then turn around and smack him in the face with something like this?". True enough it was the affair that hurt him in the first place, as it is continuing to do (seeing you cry hurts him, every single time. Be it about the OM or anything else in life, I am sure he hates to see you hurt) so wether he knows or not it is still hurting him. He loves you and I can tell that you love him very much.

 

It is not my place to tell you wether or not to tell him. No matter how many of your RL friends and people on these and other boards play tug-o-war with your issues (tell him, don't tell him, tell him, don't tell him) it really is up to YOU to decide. And you know that, and you won't listen to anyone no matter what we or they tell you. You will make up your mind in the end and outside influences are not what should make you take that step. Listen to you.

 

My main worry for you right now is the drugs you are taking. Take it from someone who has some severe emotional issues herself (that would be crazy ol me... ) these anti-depressants are not fit for people who want to get over issues in their life like affairs. They are made to correct a physical problem in your brain that causes you to become depressed in the first place. If you take a problem, and pile on mood-alterations it won't make that problem go away or even slightly better. The pain you feel is pain that you think you deserve to feel (and yes, we have to feel it - it makes us real). Let yourself feel it, because IMO it will only drag on longer if you don't feel it for real.

 

Another poster brought up a good point. While anti-depressants cannot make you manic-depressive (now called "Bipolar Disorder") as was suggested, if your brain is already chemically stable (which I assume it is, since you haven't mentioned ever taking anti-depressants before) taking them can offbalance that (at least for the time that you are taking them). So now, instead of being balanced and working through your problems, you have to deal with your problems without a steady head to use for them.

Can't really blame doctors for prescribing anti-depressants like candy these days, the general public expects doctors to fix everything with a single pill - they just provide what they think can do it for you, be it physical or emotional pain/discomfort.

 

Your husband is wonderful, and you can and do love him so much. Your pain and guilt shows it. This OM might be a great guy too, and I understand your pining and mourning the loss of such a huge and close part of your life. I'm wishing you the best no matter what you decide to do.

 

I'm still a little new at forum-posting and haven't quite gotten the ettiquette and "how to phrase your sentances" down quite right as of yet. If I sound extremely opinionated or close-minded I am sure I will learn with time what words and sentances to use to hide it properly - go easy on me ^^;

[ThumbingMyWay]

with your last 2 post Inapanic...

 

you must be my wife reincarnated.....

 

she felt the same way.....exactly the same...WOW

 

but the difference is she told me the truth....all similar to waht you are thinking and feeling....she told me everything....well almost....I did ask details....and sometimes I wish I didnt....but I had to know....and it sucks now casue I have those visions of her with him.....there came a point when I stopped asking details and she stopped telling me casue they were not helping our recovery.....so I just had to accept the FACTS...she had an affair....and everything that goes with it....

 

 

BUT...if she didnt tell me....then how would I have known I need to change too? How is your H to know what is missing in the marriage relationship?

[norajane]

When I am thinking rational which isn't as often as I would like, I realize that I first have to get over the A & OM.

 

What does that mean to you? What is your expecation of what you would feel/not feel in order to be over it? You emailed/called for 7 weeks, slept with him on two occasions lasting several days, and then more emails/calls, for a total of about 3 months. What is your timetable for getting over the A? Is it a few weeks? A year? A lifetime?

 

Then I think I have to decide if I think there is a marriage still to save. I am hoping that without a doubt once my head is clear that I will think yes there is.

 

I'm still floored that a 3 month affair that was mostly over the internet and phone could cause you to doubt 18 years of marriage with a man you say is wonderful. In fact, you yourself have said that you were happy until the OM put thoughts into your head that there MUST be something wrong with your marriage. Of course, he was saying that only after a few weeks of knowing you, and while he was courting you, so you might want to take that with a little grain of salt...it's entirely possible he had a little self-interest in mind when he was telling you your marriage was on the rocks.

 

But if I tell him now....and then have to say to him, if i'm being totally honest, that my feelings for him feel different now....well that's not going to help him at all, it's only going to hurt him more.

 

He's already hurt; he just doesn't know why you have pulled away from him, why you have stopped having sex with him, and why you are suddenly so depressed. He probably doesn't know the Prozac is killing your sex drive. But make no mistake - he is already hurt and unless you tell him why, he will remain so. HE can't get over his hurt because to him, there is seemingly no explanation for your sudden withdrawal and pain. HE probably assumes it's his fault.

 

If I get through this & then still feel like my marriage wasn't as great as I had once thought it was then I have to deal with that. But I am hoping that is not what it comes to.

 

If you somehow stop thinking about the OM, unless you tell your husband what's going on with you, your marriage will never be as great as it once was. You will carry this with you, the guilt, the lies, the hope that he never finds out, the deceptions, the hurt...and you will transfer all that guilt into believing there MUST be something wrong with your marriage.

 

You are also manipulating your H by not telling him. You are taking away HIS choice to decide if this marriage is a good one.

 

In fact, you are giving him every reason to believe, right now, that your marriage is not a good one. He has a depressed, weeping wife who won't have sex with him and who doesn't respond to him in any loving, affectionate way. You will drive him further and further away from you, which will, in turn, make you think that your marriage isn't worth saving...it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

It may take only one person to ruin a marriage, but it takes two to save it.

[newbby]

I mirror what Thumbs has said. I know you can't see this now because of your frame of mind but the awful feelings, stress and guilt you're going through isn't going to go away just because you're on prozac. You have to deal with the issues that's making you feel this way.

 

i agree with this. anti depressants are for clinical depression, not for dealing with real life stresses. it seems so many people just take them for any stressful life situation. i know that if left undealt with the resulting stress from situations can build up and have an adverse effect, and i am not saying you should definetly NOT be on antidepressants, but as a cure for a life problem, no. this isnt to say i think you should tell your h, i am not sure about that, but there are things you need to deal with in yourself, without trying to mask them with drugs.

[michelangelo]

michelangelo, have you ever thought about what would have happened, how your marriage may have been if you had NEVER found out??

 

I lived that type of marriage for 16 years. She hid her first affair from me. I thoght there was nothing to mistrust her for. I couldn't imagine it.

 

But you know what? I think her secrecy about her first affair set her up for her second one. Why? Because she figured i was such an idiot for not catching her the first time that she could just do whatever she wanted.

 

If I had known of the first one, sure, i could have left her. But so what!

 

It would have been my choice.

 

I didn't leave her upon learning of her second affair all those years later.

 

But what she did was rob me of many years of honesty between us.

 

You won't take this secret to your grave, all you will do is delay revealing it to your husband.

 

Eventually you will either repeat the infidelity or tell him.

 

Why not allow your husband if he decides to stay with you to help you protect the two of you from your urge to cheat?

 

The knowledge of this weakness within you will be a powerful thing in your marriage, for the better.

 

 

Don't blame chemistry for your actions. Take responsibility for telling yourself that you could betray your marriage vows and deliberately inflict pain on your spouse.

 

Your H can be your best protector from infidelity. But you have to be willing to see the betrayal and disappointment in his eyes.

 

You're just avoiding being judged by him. it is not about sparing him at all.

[newbby]

there are always stories from either side. i have heard of so many stories where the cheating spouse told the bs and the bs left them. the cs ended up with noone, and the bs ended up in worse relationships. of course in these cases the cs regretted telling of the a because they lost the marriage, on the other hand, without the reality of losing the marriage, they may never have relaised that the a wasnt worth it.

so if she has really decided that her h and marriage means more than the om, and does all she can to get over the om, then theres no reason why she should tell. but IF she still remains confused aboutthe om after a few months of nc, then maybe she should tell.

[ThumbingMyWay]

 

But what she did was rob me of many years of honesty between us.

 

 

 

I agree with this.

 

After all my wife and I have been through, not only half our lives together, but the affair in general.

 

I can deal alot better with the fact that she was with a OM emotionally and sexually....its hard....very hard to deal with though.....but I am doing my best and seem to de doing OK with it.

 

BUT...its the lies and deciet that hurt the most. The one person I am supposed to have complete and utter trust in....could decieve me the way she did.

 

Thats what hurt the most.....LIES and DECEPTION....

[InaPanic]

I have to be honest & say that the fact I did this once does concern me I may be tempted into doing it again. I would like to think that before I would do that, I would have already evaluated my marriage to see if I was happy & if I wasn't happy I would be taking the steps to get out of it. I would hope I wouldn't do an affair again especially knowing how this has turned out.

 

I WAS faithful for over 18 years, this Jan. will be 19 years married. Does that not say anything? I'm not saying that in my defense, I'm honestly asking, does that count for anything? Could this have just been the biggest f**k up of my entire life & that is all? That I will not do this ever, every again? Or because it's happened once I'm destined to repeat? What a scary thought. Everything in my world is shook up. I doubt everything I once thought secure. And that includes myself, my character, my morals & my judgement. I am doubting everything right now.

 

My husband knows I'm depressed. He just thinks it's a chemical imbalance or premenapausal or something. He knows I cry but doesn't know why. He knows the prozac I am on & he knows it's sexual side affects.

 

ThumbingMyWay, you still seem to be struggling. I just think if I can spare my H from having years & years ahead of him of always wondering if I am cheating or always thinking about me having sex with OM then I should. The biggest problem in it all is me.....I am not sure I can keep this secret. It is eating at me from the inside.

 

michaelangelo, I am not blaming chemistry, it was a weakness in me that allowed me to do this. I only blame chemistry in the reason I am addicted to this OM. The feelings he gave me is what I crave more than him. And even knowing this isn't making it much easier right now. But hopefully it will come.

 

My husband is gone so much. I don't think I realized just how much he was gone working. We need more time together. I need to get back what I had for him.....i think it's inside of me just hidden right now.

[norajane]

My husband is gone so much. I don't think I realized just how much he was gone working. We need more time together. I need to get back what I had for him.....i think it's inside of me just hidden right now.

 

Is there any way you can help him with his business since you have so much time on your hands? Perhaps if the two of you work together on the business, you'll have a common goal that will bring the two of you together. He is working for the good of your family, and I imagine you would want to support him as he does that.

[whichwayisup]

I WAS faithful for over 18 years, this Jan. will be 19 years married. Does that not say anything? I'm not saying that in my defense, I'm honestly asking, does that count for anything? Could this have just been the biggest f**k up of my entire life & that is all? That I will not do this ever, every again? Or because it's happened once I'm destined to repeat? What a scary thought. Everything in my world is shook up. I doubt everything I once thought secure. And that includes myself, my character, my morals & my judgement. I am doubting everything right now.

 

It's not us who you have to try to convince. It's your husband. And I'm sure in his mind 18 years of marriage, love, trust and faith is all going to be lost. All you can do is prove to him that you ARE worthy of his love and trust. Show him not only in words, but in action that you won't ever cheat again.

 

You also need some one on one counselling to help you through this.

The feelings he gave me is what I crave more than him

 

I don't think you LOVE the OM, I think you got addicted to the intense sexual and lustful feelings he brought out in you. So, now you don't have it in your life anymore, those new beginning feelings we all feel at the start of relationships. What you have with your husband is long lasting love. It may not be so intense like it was at the beginning, but it's real love. He's the one who has been there for you for 18 years...

My husband is gone so much. I don't think I realized just how much he was gone working. We need more time together. I need to get back what I had for him

 

Tell him this then! Maybe mentioning that MAY make a difference in the recovery of your marriage.

[michelangelo]

and if they have all the relevant facts they work towards a solution.

 

If they do not have the relevant facts they cannot fix what is broken.

 

Your H has no chance of fixing what is wrong in your marriage or you enlisting his help in protecting you from your self if he doesn't know what's what.

 

BTW, if 19 years of fidelity didn't stop you from cheating, imagine how little an impediment a few months will be, especially if you feel as though you are addicted to this other guy.

 

Right now? I think you believe it to be worth it to cheat. Protestations aside, I think this is why you don't tell your husband what you did. Why? Because you have a better chance of getting some more of the OM.

[norajane]

I don't think you LOVE the OM, I think you got addicted to the intense sexual and lustful feelings he brought out in you. So, now you don't have it in your life anymore, those new beginning feelings we all feel at the start of relationships. What you have with your husband is long lasting love. It may not be so intense like it was at the beginning, but it's real love. He's the one who has been there for you for 18 years...

 

The Prozac isn't going to help her get any lustful feelings back for her husband.

[InaPanic]

Is there any way you can help him with his business since you have so much time on your hands? Perhaps if the two of you work together on the business, you'll have a common goal that will bring the two of you together. He is working for the good of your family, and I imagine you would want to support him as he does that.

 

i have already thought about this. in the beginning of our relationship we worked our store 6 days a week together. We never got sick of being around each other (well, i presume he didn't, I know I never did, hehehe).....this thought actually brings a smile to my face. School starts back within days. The thought of being home alone has me terrified. I already said i might start going in with him for a couple hours.

[whichwayisup]

The Prozac isn't going to help her get any lustful feelings back for her husband.

 

Prozac is just going to make it worse, I agree with ya, but until she stops thinking of the OM and stops desiring him sexually, stops feeding that addiction he fed her, nothing will make her feel sexual around her husband.

 

The meds will only do so much, she has to do the legwork to make the OM disappear from her mind 100%.

[norajane]

Prozac is just going to make it worse, I agree with ya, but until she stops thinking of the OM and stops desiring him sexually, stops feeding that addiction he fed her, nothing will make her feel sexual around her husband.

 

The meds will only do so much, she has to do the legwork to make the OM disappear from her mind 100%.

 

Fair point. I just think that if the meds are making her feel nothing sexually for her H, the memories of her time with OM will be that much more powerful and compelling, making it harder for her to forget him.

 

I guess I just disagree with popping pills that affect your brain chemistry and your body's natural behaviors if a psychiatrist hasn't prescribed them after a diagnosis. I think it's a mistake and can do more harm than good.

 

Her GYN didn't even know why he was prescribing them to her, and then just upped the dosage after a week or two when she said they weren't working. It takes longer for them to start working anyway - something doc should have known and told her - so he shouldn't just be giving her more.

[ThumbingMyWay]

...this thought actually brings a smile to my face....

 

 

theres a start...see its still there.

 

 

I have read a little more about you...

 

3 to 4 month EA turned to PA 2 times

 

married 18 almost 19 years with NO infidelity in the past

 

you have used the words "addiction" and "infatuation" several times...followed up with maybe love...

 

 

My wife and I are mid 30's been together over half our lives.....

 

after 2 kids...we lost each other....didnt focus on US like we should have.

 

enter OM. feeding my wife what she wanted to hear from me. Compliments, affectionate looks and stares....feeling wanted. Listening to her.

 

The best I can explain it is. My wife never wanted this to happen either....but the OM filled something i wasnt. The OM gave her compliments, told her she was beautiful, sexy, smart, intriueging. etc...

 

He told her what she wanted to her.....she became used to it...addicted to it...infactuated with it. She couldnt wait till next day at work to see him...to hear what he would say next.

 

It was like an addiction....the OM fed something she liked...and she could not stop it....becasue she was in FOG land thinking that this OM was the best person in the world and how could she ever live without him....

 

BUT after she told me the truth....she went thru the withdrawal of the OM....and as she looks back now....she cant help be pissed that she actually did this to me. She is angry with herself and OM.

 

She looks back and thinks how stupid she was for doing what she did....but at the time she was doing it....and she admits this too...."she was not thinking clearly because she was so obsessed with the OM"

 

 

INaPanic.....step back for a minute and think about your last 18 years......think of all the good times youve had with your husband...and that you plan to have later in life.....

 

is there a smile on your face while thinking of these things???

 

I bet there is.

 

Your hurting because you want to be with your husband. and you feel as though you dont deserve it....but you do.

 

the more I think of this....the more I think you need to talk to a counsler.....you really need to get out of the FOG and get right in your head....prozac aint gonna do that for you Hon....

[CuteAndInnocent]

I see you're going through so much, and you know what? Maybe it will make you feel better knowing that this is helping someone else before getting into such a mess.

I've had issues in our marriage and recently have a huge crush on a guy friend and just dream every day about having an affair. But after reading things like this, I know that is sooo not the way to go and I have to try to stop thinking about things like that. It can seem so simple to just fall into the tempation without knowing the real-life consequences of it all. It has really helped me see that it is not all the fairytale it appears to be.

 

As for your situation, if you do want to have an honest and true marriage long-term, of course you will have to tell. You won't be able to live with yourself and the guilt, and eventually that would probably ruin the marriage anyway. If you can go to counseling about it, you have the option of telling there in the office which might be a good way to go, so the professional can help out H and give some great advice for both of you right from the start so you can start repairing the relationship.

 

Thanks again!

[InaPanic]

Everything your OM said to you or did to you (sexually or emotionally) that made you feel so special, aren't these the types of things that your husband did/said when you two were first dating/meeting/getting to know each other? Do you remember those things in him? When you think about the OM, try replacing those thoughts with thoughts of your husband.

 

It is not my place to tell you wether or not to tell him. No matter how many of your RL friends and people on these and other boards play tug-o-war with your issues (tell him, don't tell him, tell him, don't tell him) it really is up to YOU to decide. And you know that, and you won't listen to anyone no matter what we or they tell you. You will make up your mind in the end and outside influences are not what should make you take that step. Listen to you.

 

My main worry for you right now is the drugs you are taking. Take it from someone who has some severe emotional issues herself (that would be crazy ol me... ) these anti-depressants are not fit for people who want to get over issues in their life like affairs. They are made to correct a physical problem in your brain that causes you to become depressed in the first place. If you take a problem, and pile on mood-alterations it won't make that problem go away or even slightly better. The pain you feel is pain that you think you deserve to feel (and yes, we have to feel it - it makes us real). Let yourself feel it, because IMO it will only drag on longer if you don't feel it for real.

 

Your husband is wonderful, and you can and do love him so much. Your pain and guilt shows it. This OM might be a great guy too, and I understand your pining and mourning the loss of such a huge and close part of your life. I'm wishing you the best no matter what you decide to do.

 

^^;

 

Tatara, your post really touched me. Thank you for the kind words. I can remember when we first got together & the excitement I felt for him. That's the problem with being married for so long, trying to compare stable, older love with a new love.

I hope the medicine is doing more good than bad. I know the sexual part of it may not sound important but at the moment, considering the circumstances, having a sexual desire for my husband would be a very good thing.

I do love my husband, even if it turns out that the marriage doesn't work for whatever reason I do love him & wouldn't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. I know people here don't believe me but I DO want to spare him the hurt of knowing what i've done. Even if we do split up, I'm not sure i would want him to know. I think it could kill him. Or I think he could flip out & want to go find the OM. I have thought of every possible thing under the sun. I have even worried abou suicide. I know that sounds extreme but i don't know.

[Tatara]

Tatara, your post really touched me. Thank you for the kind words. I can remember when we first got together & the excitement I felt for him. That's the problem with being married for so long, trying to compare stable, older love with a new love.

I hope the medicine is doing more good than bad. I know the sexual part of it may not sound important but at the moment, considering the circumstances, having a sexual desire for my husband would be a very good thing.

I do love my husband, even if it turns out that the marriage doesn't work for whatever reason I do love him & wouldn't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. I know people here don't believe me but I DO want to spare him the hurt of knowing what i've done. Even if we do split up, I'm not sure i would want him to know. I think it could kill him. Or I think he could flip out & want to go find the OM. I have thought of every possible thing under the sun. I have even worried abou suicide. I know that sounds extreme but i don't know.

 

Right now you are in an extreme situation and it may cause you to think about extreme things, I understand how you are feeling. If you ever need to chat please feel free to send me a PM.

 

I've been married to my husband for 7 years (not quite as long) and I find myself talking to him now and again about how I miss that excitement we used to get when we were uncertain about everything - when it was exciting and new. He agrees but he feels comfortable and happy with the strenght of our bond now, and feels no need for more. I don't think he really gets exactly what that excitement did for my boring life Perhaps its the same with yours? If you ask things of him you will only make yourself feel even guiltier, but to understand how he feels might help you think about the good in him rather then how he might not match up to OM.

 

While I don't think anti-depressants are your answer, if you are dead set on taking them I would go see a *real* doctor and perhaps think of switching to Welbutrin. Welbutrin increased my sex-drive (apparently does so for most women, while decreasing sex-drive in men) and while it might not be written on the label I have noticed a severe drop in obsessive behavior since I've been on it (I am OCD though, along with other mental issues) this might calm your head a bit better then Prozac, because I am sure the craziness in your head right now feels alot like obsessing. Again, I am not promoting the use of anti-depressants for this type of thing - but I have tried almost all of them for my own problems and have seen the sexual ups and downs - if you are going to take them anyway, I hope my suggestion on taking the right one will help you and your husband re-unite sexually. You seem to be aware of the importance sex plays in your marriage, I'm sure after connecting again it will be alot easier for you to have confidence in yourself and him. When you feel this way it might be easier for you to not only forget the OM completely but to be able to make a clear decision on what you want to do.

 

When I find myself sitting there doing nothing but obsessing and crying (over different issues, but yes I do it too) I remember something my psychiatrist told me. He always told me to stop whatever I am doing, and go do something else. Fill your day up and don't allow much room for the pain. I find this very effective, however because I never give myself time to feel the pain it catches up to me at night, sometimes preventing me from sleeping the entire night - hmmm not sure my advice is so good afterall But there it is anyway.

 

Take care of yourself, and don't be shy if you need an ear.

[InaPanic]

thanks again tatara, I appreciate the offer to PM but it's not an option for you I guess you have to 'join' the site to be able to do that. But thanks.

 

I am seriously this morning thinking about my meds. I am a wreck this morning & it honestly doesn't feel like anything to do with my situation. I am anxious & nervous & feeling extremely weird. I don't think I should have upped the meds. I looked them up on a website & it said not to up from 20mil until several weeks, i had only been on them for 3 weeks. I'm afraid it's doing more harm than good but don't know. I may start tomorrow lowering the dose again. I don't like feeling like this.

[newbby]

you need to go to a doctor who specialises in this kind of thing. you should never change the dose yourself. personally i think you should not be on this stuff at all, but you should never just come off it or change the dose without first consulting a doctor. these are powerful drugs, you need to get to a doctor asap.

[cranium]

That's the problem with being married for so long, trying to compare stable, older love with a new love.

 

Trying to compare stable, older love with Infatuation. Chemicals wear off.

 

I am seriously this morning thinking about my meds. I am a wreck this morning & it honestly doesn't feel like anything to do with my situation. I am anxious & nervous & feeling extremely weird.

 

I agree with newbby; I dont' think you should be on the meds at all (I'm not a doc, though). My doc tried me on a couple of different ones (remeron and zoloft) and it didn't take long for me to feel as you're describing (anxious, nervous, weird). Since many docs get their continuing 'education' from the pharmaceutical reps, they really don't know what the meds will do either. I stopped mine on my own (wasn't on them very long and okayed it with my doc first) and had a few weird days until I got the stuff out of my system. Do see/talk to a doc about tapering off. There are natural alternatives like St. John's Wort and SAMe that have been used for years in Europe.

 

As for your situation, if you do want to have an honest and true marriage long-term, of course you will have to tell. You won't be able to live with yourself and the guilt, and eventually that would probably ruin the marriage anyway.

 

I have no doubt that keeping my A secret for the years that I did contributed to my wife's A. The guilt ate away at me (like it's doing you) and the issues that led to my A were never adequately addressed. My self-esteem took a beating; I became depressed and withdrawn. I was no fun to be around. OM was.

 

Even after discovering her A, I kept mine secret for another year. Why put her through what I went through, right? Well, if we were to rebuild an open and honest marriage long term, I had to clean up and complete the past. I owed that to her and myself. I've got a thread on the Separation and Divorce board, b/c that's where we were headed just a few months ago. Fortunately, I haven't had to post there recently. We're not completely out of danger; there are no guarantees in life.

 

I have to be honest & say that the fact I did this once does concern me I may be tempted into doing it again....Or because it's happened once I'm destined to repeat?

 

It didn't just happen. You've probably read on other threads - OM's penis didn't just happen to fall inside you. Sorry, this gets to me. You made the choice just like I made the choice just like my wife made the choice. You can CHOOSE to never do it again; you're an adult.

 

As michelangelo said:

Your H has no chance of fixing what is wrong in your marriage or you enlisting his help in protecting you from your self if he doesn't know what's what.

 

How's the NC going?

[InaPanic]

i talked to two different friends who are on meds & they said i'm feeling like this due to upping the dosage (i did check with dr. before doing this & was told what to up it to). They said it was my body getting used to the changes. It feels horrible. They suggested I NOT go back down. I don't know what to do but I don't like how I am feeling right now.

 

I still WISH that I could not tell my husband about this. That I could just muster up the strength inside of me to just keep it to myself. I am wondering if I can do this though. Even though I still think it would be better if he never had to live with the truth. I feel like something is eating away at me inside. For the past couple of days I have not had that extreme desire to out with it like I had but something is wrong inside of me & I know it has to be that. I still think that when/if I do tell him it is going to open up a whole other can of worms that I may soon regret opening.

 

Cranium, I know I am an adult & responsible for my own decisions, I have never tried to lay blame in ANY way on H or even all on OM, I know I was 50/50 in this. But look at the decision I made that got me to this poinit. It wasn't a wise decision. But people aren't perfect & we make mistakes. I only hope I LEARN from this mistake what not to do again.

 

I have had NC for two days now, I'm on day 3. I had an urge to call & confront today. Really bad. I am hurting & I feel like he's not & I'm starting to get angry. But I keep telling myself, I don't know what he's feeling & what good would a phone call do anyway besides put me back to day 1 all over again. So I'm holding out & trying to be strong.

 

I called my husband today, practically begging him to take the day off work & be with me. He said if I started feeling worse he'd come home (he knew I was feeling ill this morning probably from meds) but that he had jobs to do & had to do them. I apologized, as I'm crying, & said I know he did but that for awhile now we haven't been spending much time together & I think we need to start spending more time with each other. He said that maybe this weekend we could do that. I know he has no idea why i need him in my life more right now but I do.

 

I was talking to a friend today online who is trying to help me through this & understand it all. I was telling him how H has always been very loving & says i love you all the time, & how he kisses & hold hands & gives hugs & how he'd still have sex with me every night if he could & as i'm typing this he interrupts with the question 'what was the last spontaneous romantic thing he did for you'. I was stopped in my tracks. I thought & could not remember. It made me start to cry because I don't want to believe that anything is wrong with my marriage, i want to believe that it was just something wrong with me. But when he pointed that out & pointed out how it was easy for me to be caught up in all the, as he called it, 'full of s**t' stuff OM was telling me. I guess we are in a rut. But i'm not sure how after being together for so many years you can make it exciting again. How can having sex with someone you've had sex with tons of times be super exciting again?? I know it can be good & sometimes very very good but .....sometimes i just feel morose & defeated & I guess it comes out in my posts. Sorry.

[norajane]

he interrupts with the question 'what was the last spontaneous romantic thing he did for you'. I thought & could not remember. It made me start to cry because I don't want to believe that anything is wrong with my marriage, i want to believe that it was just something wrong with me. But when he pointed that out & pointed out how it was easy for me to be caught up in all the, as he called it, 'full of s**t' stuff OM was telling me. I guess we are in a rut. But i'm not sure how after being together for so many years you can make it exciting again.

When was the last spontaneous romantic thing YOU did for your husband? Why don't you do something tonight? Or plan something for the weekend?

 

You can get the excitement back, but it's not something that just comes back on its own. It takes the same kind of effort that it took years ago when you fell in love, the same kind of effort you put into your OM.

 

You spent hours IMing or chatting with your OM. When was the last time you said anything romantic to your H? When was the last time you called him at work and whispered something sexy in his ear, like how you couldn't wait til he came home so you could get him naked? Or that you were thinking about him and couldn't help masturbating?

 

When was the last time you greeted him at the door with a big movie-style kiss and butt squeeze? When was the last time you sent the kids to your mom's or a baby-sitter's or a friend's and spent time alone with your H, maybe with a bottle of wine and nice meal and music and conversation where you pay attention only to him and look into his eyes as you talk and laugh? Maybe followed by a shower together where you bathe each other and run your hands along his slickery skin and laugh some more, and end up ravishing HIM in bed?

 

You have to start the romance if you want it in your marriage. And once you get it started, you can explore your sexuality together - try new things, like communicating in bed and showing him what you like and what turns you on, and asking him what he'd like to try.

 

You can totally get the romance and sexual energy back, if you try and if you talk to your H about all the things you'd like to try.

 

That's why I keep telling you to get off that Prozac, because it's not helping you to kill your sex drive right now. You aren't making any effort to re-connect with your H.

[cranium]

Cranium, I know I am an adult & responsible for my own decisions, I have never tried to lay blame in ANY way on H or even all on OM, I know I was 50/50 in this. But look at the decision I made that got me to this poinit. It wasn't a wise decision. But people aren't perfect & we make mistakes. I only hope I LEARN from this mistake what not to do again.

 

I agree, people aren't perfect and we do make mistakes. You say you 'hope' you learn from this mistake what not to do again. I'm saying it's a choice you consciously make to not do it again. A decision and a choice are not the same -

 

Decision - determination arrived at after consideration...implies previous consideration of a matter causing doubt, wavering, debate, or controversy.

 

Choice - the act of choosing… suggests the opportunity or privilege of choosing freely...implies an end or purpose which requires exercise of judgment.