New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[whichwayisup]

How will you respond if your husband outright ASKS you if you are having or had an affair. Will you be honest with him or hide the truth?

 

Your husband isn't stupid - He knows 'something' is off. He more than likely trusts you and figures that's the LAST thing you'd do but don't doubt it hasn't crossed his mind (and he pushed away those thoughts BECAUSE of the trust he has in you.)..

[findingnemo]

Anne, touché...touché. I'm going to wait on MC. I just had my first IC today. I think I'm going to try to process my own issues first. Why I've somehow gotten to be a person I don't even know any more.....

 

Belle, keep going to IC. Keep searching for answers. I am convinced just like Kidd that you will find that telling the truth is the only way. Hiding the As isn't going to work long term for you. You're here, aren't you? It's killing you...

 

IC will help and then MC. I sincerely hope that you come out of this whole mess with some integrity, with your self - esteem intact and with peace of mind.

[ISurvived]

Your husband isn't stupid - He knows 'something' is off. He more than likely trusts you and figures that's the LAST thing you'd do but don't doubt it hasn't crossed his mind (and he pushed away those thoughts BECAUSE of the trust he has in you.)..

 

This!!

 

I knew something was off with my FWW. Just couldn't put my finger on it. She was distant, quick tempered (more than usual, she's a redhead), just off. I started snooping and bingo. Found an email she sent to the OM from her normally used email account to telling OM to use one I thought she had closed. I go to that one. Guessed the password correctly, and there it is. Wished I had snooped earlier. I had the feelings for 3 months before I started snooping.

 

You have got to come clean and start MC. We had our DD#1, began MC and she SHE LIED for the first 4 months of MC. I thought we were doing good, when in reality, she had just gone underground. DD#2 happened and the A finally stopped. The point is, it felt like double betrayal.

 

You will NEVER be able to have legitimate MC without confessing. My FWW will tell you the same thing. You need to listen to those that have gone before you. You and your situation are not unique.

 

You state you are certain your husband will leave you. My FWW thought the same thing. I did too at one time in my life. Funny how life is. I had been cheated on by my previous wife and swore I would never put up with it ever again. My FWW and I have been married 21 years now. It had been 18 at the time of the A. Couldn't just see throwing all of that away.

 

You need to listen to the folks here and on SI. One thing I have learned in life, I don't know everything. Neither do you.

[frozensprouts]

Hopefully in a week's time when I could cross paths with him again I will have walked enough steps to deal with a possible encounter. We both show dogs, that's how we met, and we are both due to exhibit at the same venue next weekend. I have been tempted to not go to the show but love showing my dogs so providing the dogs coats and in good condition, I am still intending on going. How I will feel if I see him, I don't know. I don't hate the guy I actually hate myself for not resisting the temptation in the first place.

 

if you feel you won't be strong enough on your own, is there someone who you could take with you who can be there for support for you?

[Dog Woman]

if you feel you won't be strong enough on your own, is there someone who you could take with you who can be there for support for you?

 

I think I'll be okay. I have briefly crossed paths with my ex AP over the weekend, chance encounter in the supermarket, couldn't have avoided it if I had tried. I didn't expect to see him and his wife, didn't think they shopped there. We were civil, said Hi and briefly passed the time of day but didn't get into any deep conversation and carried on our separate ways.

 

I wanted to be really friendly towards them both but all I could feel was embarrassment, the hate I have for myself for not resisting the affair in the first place and resentment for what he said in his last text - that he wanted to back off but still wanted me in his life because he felt I couldn't cope and that I wanted all or nothing and couldn't cope with an affair. I realise his last statement was because I was ending the affair and that it was him who couldn't let go not me.

[Ninja'sHusband]

How will you respond if your husband outright ASKS you if you are having or had an affair. Will you be honest with him or hide the truth?

 

Your husband isn't stupid - He knows 'something' is off. He more than likely trusts you and figures that's the LAST thing you'd do but don't doubt it hasn't crossed his mind (and he pushed away those thoughts BECAUSE of the trust he has in you.)..

 

This was absolutely the case with me. I saw many of the red flags, and was suspicious..and felt very wrong about some stuff that happened...but deliberately ignored everything because I had absolute trust in my WW. BIG OOPS

[Kidd]

This was absolutely the case with me. I saw many of the red flags' date=' and was suspicious..and felt very wrong about some stuff that happened...but deliberately ignored everything because I had absolute trust in my WW. BIG OOPS[/quote']

 

Oh shut up, NH. If you weren't such a doormat and a cuckold, you'd give us an update on your thread. I saw your teaser trailer and then you just quietly slipped away as if we would all forget.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Oh shut up, NH. If you weren't such a doormat and a cuckold, you'd give us an update on your thread. I saw your teaser trailer and then you just quietly slipped away as if we would all forget.

rofl, actually I logged in just to update right now ^^

 

Will take me some time probably.

[Kidd]

rofl, actually I logged in just to update right now ^^

 

Will take me some time probably.

 

Yeah, sorry to make fun considering that your situation is ongoing. I figured I would get a laugh out of you, though. What an update, too. Knives, swords and a punch in the face - on your anniversary.

 

I would feel bad for the threadjack but I think you're a good example to Belle of a man who didn't leave his wife when he found out - you've done quite the opposite.

 

Keep the faith - until you're done with doing that. If you eventually have to move on, no one can say you didn't try to salvage the M.

[Bellechica]

I some how know that my husband doesn't have quite the sense of humor as ninjashusband. I'm still here and reading and I had a wonderful wonderful weekend with my family.

[Steen719]

And when your husband finds out, the WILL remember this "wonderful wonderful" weekend, but he will only remember that you were lying to him and it won't have any meaning at all to him. He will look back on this (and other memories/events) and it will all feel like a lie to him.

 

I know my memories are marred by this and I actually just read something a couple of days ago that said when you lose a spouse to death, you can remember the good times and that helps get you through. When you are divorced, particularly when it was rancorous or cheating was involved, the person is left with memories being painful and even your good memories about your marriage get screwed up with pain. I don't know if it is true long term, but it has been true for me in the short term. I remember the lies, lies and more lies.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I some how know that my husband doesn't have quite the sense of humor as ninjashusband. I'm still here and reading and I had a wonderful wonderful weekend with my family.

I didn't have a sense of humor about anything my W did....definitely not funny how she risked the well being of our daughter and our happiness.

 

and somehow she knew that I'd take her daughter and run leaving her in the cold. She even thought I'd physically abuse her first. She had a lot of faith in me....yeaaahhh....wee bit of sarcasm there. Her lack of faith was just more insult to injury. You do your H even more wrong by thinking so low of him...I bet he would be insulted, just like I was.

[Kidd]

Bellechica-

 

NH and I are two examples of men who probably would have said that infidelity was a deal breaker. Yet, when presented with the reality of leaving our spouse, we chose to stay. I don't know your husband. Some of them do leave. Most will initially choose to stay (lots of emperical data shows this) and will then ride a rollercoaster of emotions trying to decide what to do. Much of the decision has to do with how disrespectful the wayward spouse was/is. While I am hopeful that you will eventually come clean, I am more worried about you continuing to be honest after the affair is revealed. More marriages are ended by trickle truth than by the affair itself. If you can't be honest, your marriage is dead in the water. You will always know that you tricked your H into staying with you. I believe you will end that situation either thru divorce or by coming clean. I sense that your conscience won't allow you to take this to the grave (especially since your marriage has not been fixed but instead had a guilt/obligation band-aid put upon it). Whether this was an "exit affair" or a step towards disclosure has yet to be seen. That's your choice. Personally, I think you seriously need to consider the next steps which involve healing your marriage after your affair is disclosed. That is where the hard work comes in and where you can, once and for all, save this marriage and make it one worth being in for you, him, and your children. I wish the best for you.

[findingnemo]

And when your husband finds out, the WILL remember this "wonderful wonderful" weekend, but he will only remember that you were lying to him and it won't have any meaning at all to him. He will look back on this (and other memories/events) and it will all feel like a lie to him.

 

You're trying to make yourself feel better. In fact, you sound like a very good friend of mine who had a short-lived affair with a family member of her husband's and now uses Facebook to gush about husband and her blessed life. All the "wonderful wonderful" posts she makes to (and about) her husband will be a joke to her husband if he ever finds out.

 

Have you started to go to church too? That's what my friend did - like that's going to make a difference if he finds out.

 

Belle,

 

What Alice says is sooo true. You're scared of the consequences of your actions (rightly so) and so decide to play the "saint". It will hurt your H a lot more believe me. He will see all the good things you've done as pretense. And you will never be able to convince him that you were remorseful. He will ask you why, if you were so remorseful, you didn't do the first decent thing and talk to him. Why would you take him for a ride?

 

I've seen people do this a lot. Because of guilt and fear, they turn into self righteous, sanctimonious people in Church. And it makes sense. You do something wrong, hate yourself but pretend that your slate is clean and decide to become "holier than" everybody else. It just makes you into someone nodoby will trust again. And believe me when I tell you that most people will forgive bad behaviour. But they will take exceptional offense at being duped.

[SandieBeach]

]And when your husband finds out' date=' the WILL remember this "wonderful wonderful" weekend, but he will only remember that you were lying to him and it won't have any meaning at all to him. He will look back on this (and other memories/events) and it will all feel like a lie to him[/b'].

 

You're trying to make yourself feel better. In fact, you sound like a very good friend of mine who had a short-lived affair with a family member of her husband's and now uses Facebook to gush about husband and her blessed life. All the "wonderful wonderful" posts she makes to (and about) her husband will be a joke to her husband if he ever finds out.

 

Have you started to go to church too? That's what my friend did - like that's going to make a difference if he finds out.

 

There is so much truth to this. For me, I felt that the entire time during my husband's affair has been a lie. I look back at this time, and remember all the "special" moments when my husband did wonderful things for me, but now I know that when he did those wonderful things, he was actually keeping awfully hurtful things from me. I can't think of anything that happened during those months fondly.

 

Bella, you are correct in some of your previous posts. Maybe your husband is the kind of person who could never forgive. I know I am that person too, and it's devastating to have to deal with this. But, as many here have pointed out, assume that he will learn of your affair(s) sooner or later, and the consequences at that point will be much direr.

[Bellechica]

I'm not playing some holier than thou woman and no I haven't started going to church. He would definitely suspect something is amiss then.....yes, I made the worst mistake of my life and of course I don't want to be found out nor do I want to see the life around me come crashing down. I do feel like there is just a bandaid on my marriage. We are back to not being intimate and this hurts but I think if I can process my feelings thru IC that maybe I will get the strength to be more forthcoming with the issues we are having in the M. Isurvived....no one would ever describe me as a cold person and in many ways I think it has been the years of giving and giving of myself that has led me to a point of making a terrible, selfish decision. It is selfish to continue to hide the A, but I feel that at least it is one way to just maintain some stability. The unknown is much, much scary.

Edited April 4, 2012 by Bellechica
Spelling and punctuation

[mercy]

I'm not playing some holier than thou woman and no I haven't started going to church. He would definitely suspect something is amiss then.....yes, I made the worst mistake of my life and of course I don't want to be found out nor do I want to see the life around me come crashing down. I do feel like there is just a bandaid on my marriage. We are back to not being intimate and this hurts but I think if I can process my feelings thru IC that maybe I will get the strength to be more forthcoming with the issues we are having in the M. Isurvived....no one would ever describe me as a cold person and in many ways I think it has been the years of giving and giving of myself that has led me to a point of making a terrible, selfish decision. It is selfish to continue to hide the A, but I feel that at least it is one way to just maintain some stability. The unknown is much, much scary.

 

Your family's stability is anchored to a lie. I feel in the above post a seeping in of discontentment. Keeping the lie inside of you is going to take on many forms, one being resentment. Protecting yourself, trying to do all the right things will place many pressures on an already shaky marriage. Underneath that ban aide of yours is a gaping wound, one that has already begun to fester.

 

What the hell are you so afraid of, besides the obvious. Allow truth to open the door of freedom for you, you won't crumble, you'll soar.

[dariusbenedict]

Bellechica,

 

I will share my story with you and I am pretty sure many people would react and perhaps disagree with the point of view I will raise in here. But I will share it anyway for I would careless on what they will say. This my story and an experience I will share with you only in the hope that you will find some answers from it. But certainly, I understand exactly where you are now for I have been in your shoes about 9 years ago.

 

I got married at a very young age and had a child at very young age too. Life was hard for us financially while we were both emotionally immature. Although we were young, we were both bright and have college degree. Five years after our marriage, I was achieving some success on my career and at age 23, I was already managing a department. Since I was so focused in providing for our family, I got too involved with my work. My rationalization then was "I was doing this to give my family a life that they deserve". Little did I know, love and marriage for that matter is like a plant, it needed to be given attention and the nourishment it needed, otherwise it will wilt. We stop dating, we stopped having fun and laughing together and we never really spoke about our dreams together nor we asked or expressed our utmost feelings. The only thing that bonded us together is our child. And after a while, I started complaining about the lack of interest of my wife with how I feel or the "successes" that I made. And then I confide with a woman and later on had an affair with.

 

Just like you, I wanted to start fresh and I told my wife everything. And then my marriage and my life went through its darkest period. And we went through a group called "Retrouvaille". You can search on the internet what it is. But I must tell you, if you will everything to your husband, be prepared to go through so much pain. But will it actually relieved you? Well, somehow yes, but my advice is do not tell it your husband anymore, it will spare you and your husband and your children with the pain of it. Stop condemning yourself of your mistake for that's the real thing that will set you free from guilt. But you must face the fact that your actions will have its consequences. If you will not tell your husband, then there's always a risk that he will soon find out and it will be more painful for him. You know your husband more than I do, so the decision of telling him or not telling him is in your hands.

 

But did you realized what was the biggest mistake you did? You confided your feelings with an opposite sex. I never fully understood this concept, not until a while. But I learned that if I have negative feelings about my relationship with my wife or about life in general, I must never, ever confide my feelings to a woman. It provides a comfort that I am looking/asking for my wife that the other woman has given. And then an emotional attachment starts and before I knew it, I was on the hook of an affair.

 

I believe that there is still a way to recovery after an affair. But the road to healing and recovery is a very rough road. But to the people who are willing to sacrifice and determine to get there could have it. Also, find a support group. I also suggest that you watch a movie entitled "Fireproof". It will also give you a lot more perspective.

 

Did my marriage reached healing and recovery? Yes, it did. We have 3 kids now and we are happier. But I think, as far as I am concern, the healing process came from Jesus. Healing started when I accepted him as my lord and savior. I have experienced a love that can't be found in this world. A love that will definitely overflow that I came to love again who I am and the same love overflows to my wife, making me capable of loving her without emptying my cup.

 

I will pray for your situation.

[Bellechica]

Thank you Darius and I realize that I should never have confided in another man. I know I have boundary issues. I know that there is a possibility that down the road the A may come out....right now I'm willing to risk this as I see that either way the outcome will be the same. I have another IC session this afternoon.

[2sunny]

Thank you Darius and I realize that I should never have confided in another man. I know I have boundary issues. I know that there is a possibility that down the road the A may come out....right now I'm willing to risk this as I see that either way the outcome will be the same. I have another IC session this afternoon.

 

And YOU are the one that CAN change that boundary issue.

 

Stop confiding in him. Stop all contact with him.

 

Spend THAT time and energy towards your husband and the marriage and your family.

 

Whatever you focus on (tie and energy) - will grow bigger. The idea is to minimize thoughts/actions of the OM and MAXIMIZE focus on the H and M.

 

This you CAN change! .

 

Are you willing to do that though?

[ISurvived]

Bellechica,

 

I will share my story with you and I am pretty sure many people would react and perhaps disagree with the point of view I will raise in here. But I will share it anyway for I would careless on what they will say. This my story and an experience I will share with you only in the hope that you will find some answers from it. But certainly, I understand exactly where you are now for I have been in your shoes about 9 years ago.

 

I got married at a very young age and had a child at very young age too. Life was hard for us financially while we were both emotionally immature. Although we were young, we were both bright and have college degree. Five years after our marriage, I was achieving some success on my career and at age 23, I was already managing a department. Since I was so focused in providing for our family, I got too involved with my work. My rationalization then was "I was doing this to give my family a life that they deserve". Little did I know, love and marriage for that matter is like a plant, it needed to be given attention and the nourishment it needed, otherwise it will wilt. We stop dating, we stopped having fun and laughing together and we never really spoke about our dreams together nor we asked or expressed our utmost feelings. The only thing that bonded us together is our child. And after a while, I started complaining about the lack of interest of my wife with how I feel or the "successes" that I made. And then I confide with a woman and later on had an affair with.

 

Just like you, I wanted to start fresh and I told my wife everything. And then my marriage and my life went through its darkest period. And we went through a group called "Retrouvaille". You can search on the internet what it is. But I must tell you, if you will everything to your husband, be prepared to go through so much pain. But will it actually relieved you? Well, somehow yes, but my advice is do not tell it your husband anymore, it will spare you and your husband and your children with the pain of it. Stop condemning yourself of your mistake for that's the real thing that will set you free from guilt. But you must face the fact that your actions will have its consequences. If you will not tell your husband, then there's always a risk that he will soon find out and it will be more painful for him. You know your husband more than I do, so the decision of telling him or not telling him is in your hands.

 

But did you realized what was the biggest mistake you did? You confided your feelings with an opposite sex. I never fully understood this concept, not until a while. But I learned that if I have negative feelings about my relationship with my wife or about life in general, I must never, ever confide my feelings to a woman. It provides a comfort that I am looking/asking for my wife that the other woman has given. And then an emotional attachment starts and before I knew it, I was on the hook of an affair.

 

I believe that there is still a way to recovery after an affair. But the road to healing and recovery is a very rough road. But to the people who are willing to sacrifice and determine to get there could have it. Also, find a support group. I also suggest that you watch a movie entitled "Fireproof". It will also give you a lot more perspective.

 

Did my marriage reached healing and recovery? Yes, it did. We have 3 kids now and we are happier. But I think, as far as I am concern, the healing process came from Jesus. Healing started when I accepted him as my lord and savior. I have experienced a love that can't be found in this world. A love that will definitely overflow that I came to love again who I am and the same love overflows to my wife, making me capable of loving her without emptying my cup.

 

I will pray for your situation.

 

You are correct. Your healing came through Jesus. It is because you were honest and told the truth. You are advising Belle not to be honest. This is against all Christian teaching. How do you square that with your faith?

[nofool4u]

I some how know that my husband doesn't have quite the sense of humor as ninjashusband. I'm still here and reading and I had a wonderful wonderful weekend with my family.

 

And no doubt your husband had a wonderful weekend too. Because he doesn't know exactly to "what" he is married.

[nofool4u]

Based on lies. You have ice waters in your veins. You are a cold, cold woman. Selfish, self-centered, mean with absolutely no regard for your BH or children.

 

You claim to be "sparing" your family from all the pain. In truth all you are concerned with is saving your own ass.

 

Needed a bump. Spot on.

[nofool4u]

I'm not playing some holier than thou woman and no I haven't started going to church. He would definitely suspect something is amiss then.....yes, I made the worst mistake of my life

 

It wasn't a mistake. You wanted the other man, you had the other man, you love the other man, and you miss him now.

 

It wasn't a mistake. To say so is to downplay your actions. Call it a poor choice brought on by poor character, whatever you want, but its NOT a mistake.

 

and of course I don't want to be found out nor do I want to see the life around me come crashing down. I do feel like there is just a bandaid on my marriage. We are back to not being intimate

 

Well sorry, but I'm sure you will blame your husband for this, but I'm sure since you had the excitement of sex with a different man, that your husband is now just the same-old-same-old. I highly doubt the lack of intimacy is completely his fault.

 

 

and this hurts but I think if I can process my feelings thru IC that maybe I will get the strength to be more forthcoming with the issues we are having in the M. Isurvived....no one would ever describe me as a cold person and in many ways I think it has been the years of giving and giving of myself that has led me to a point of making a terrible, selfish decision.

 

See, here we go again. Blaming your husband as if you didn't have any role somehow to play in the marital problems. Why isn't your husband as inimate as you'd like? Because I think most men would have sex with their wives any time they can get it. So why do you think your husband isn't as intimate as you'd like?

[bentnotbroken]

There is so much truth to this. For me, I felt that the entire time during my husband's affair has been a lie. I look back at this time, and remember all the "special" moments when my husband did wonderful things for me, but now I know that when he did those wonderful things, he was actually keeping awfully hurtful things from me. I can't think of anything that happened during those months fondly.

 

Bella, you are correct in some of your previous posts. Maybe your husband is the kind of person who could never forgive. I know I am that person too, and it's devastating to have to deal with this. But, as many here have pointed out, assume that he will learn of your affair(s) sooner or later, and the consequences at that point will be much direr.

 

 

So true. Even the pregnancy and birth of my youngest child have been tainted for me. I found out 10+ years after the fact that he was having an affair while I was pregnant. I was pregnant with twins and lost one. His comfort of me during that time.....hindsight is disgusting to me.