Author petterr Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 I know 2Sunny! Guess that when a person you thought you knew completely changes from one day to another. Into a cold hearted bitch! Its hard to accept. But I guess my mind set from now on has to be that this is the person she wants to be.
AussieDad Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Thanks Steadfast! Warms my broken heart! Met a relative to ex today. Havent met her since this whole thing started and holy C did he have info about ex. She doesnt have her on FB anymore. Reason is that ske posts ten times a day and all she talks about is the kids but mainly about partying. Even when she has the kids her weekend she writes about how she would like to party that same weekend. She says its like shes eighteen again but times two. She says thas everybody sees the changes in her and everybody has negative opinions about her behavior. To be honest it frightens me. For the kids sake. Guess I have to check with son a bit more about how they are doing over there. Any indication that they dont feel good I will act. Dont know how but I have to do something. NC or not. I do thing she treats the kids ok but if she only prioritize herself things could get out of hand. She asked me if her family could come over sometimes because they all miss me. My life is kind of good if you understand what i mean. It Feels good Peter , I have some similar parallel's to your story and am loving life now too. Still working out the logistics but thats just a formality. I'm better off emotionally, Physically and Financially . Who ever I met in the furture is going to get a Man ready to live life to the fullest. 3
2sunny Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 I know 2Sunny! Guess that when a person you thought you knew completely changes from one day to another. Into a cold hearted bitch! Its hard to accept. But I guess my mind set from now on has to be that this is the person she wants to be. Well - what do you expect? She's cant blame herself - so the only one to blame is you! Stop handing her the luxury of blaming you. When you no longer engage in any "conversations" - she won't have any "opportunities" to place her blame and anger on you. IF you HAVE to ask her a question - ask it so she only needs to answer "your question ONLY" with a simple yes OR no answer! If she doesn't answer yes or no - simply tell her it's a yes or no answer... No need for anything thing but her yes OR no. Do not engage. And best NOT to get info from her friends or family... Best to shut that negativity down.
Trimmer Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Going slightly mad! Had to call her today because of matters with D. OK so far, but only if you are dealing with logistical matters regarding the kids. I asked her how she was doing. Ack! There's where you went off the rails! I know that 2sunny already set you straight, but I just have to add to it: Do NOT do this. I asked her why she was angry with me. Do NOT do this. I asked her to be specific... Do NOT do this. Do not engage. YES. One thing that helped me was to think of my ex as a collection of different characters. Wife, Friend, Co-Parent, Business Partner. And in the end, the only character I intended to deal with was Co-Parent. As far as I was concerned, my friend was out of my life at the same time as my wife decided to leave. Once we got the divorce stuff finalized, I stopped dealing with my wife. Once we split our belongings and property, then I didn't have a business partner any more. So all that is left is my co-parent, and I only talk to her about co-parent stuff, and I don't let things go off the rails. In time, I have trained her - she doesn't ask about how I am, what I'm doing, who I'm doing things with, or anything else not directly connected with the well-being and logistics concerning our kids. Read that again: my wife is gone. Sure, I sometimes still muse over the ideas of where she went and why, I sometimes get mad, etc. But I want to reinforce the idea that she is GONE so I don't ask her or engage in any kind of conversation around that. I don't ask my co-parent how she's doing, because she may misinterpret that as "friend" or "wife" so I just stay away from it - it's superfluous. I keep conversations directed ONLY toward our kids, and in doing so, I have "trained" her that I won't engage about anything else, so she doesn't go there either. You can't go strictly NC with this human being, but you can go NC with wife, friend and former property owner, and whatever other characters are now gone. You still need to stay in contact with your co-parent about kid stuff, but keep it limited and "train her" which areas are fair game for discussion, and which are not. And I'll repeat, because it is so important: Do not engage. 1
The Blue Knight Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Going slightly mad! Had to call her today because of matters with D. She mixes up dates and gives an impression if being very confused. I asked her how she was doing. She said she was ok. I heard she was mad and cold. I asked her why she was angry with me. She said shes angry at everything about me. I asked her to be specific but she couldnt. Brought up the fact that I couldnt have anything to do with her as long as shes angry. She slammed the phone on me. Think shes on her way down even further. And everythings my fault. Havent done anything to hurt her. Hope she gets the NC now! She's mad at the world most likely because of who she is. She recognizes that she's probably not someone that she even likes. You're an easy punching bag Pete. That's basically why you get the brunt of the blame. She has to put the blame on someone or something. Asking how she's doing is a natural response because you obviously still feel something for this woman. But it's a road to nowhere. She knows you were the best stable thing that ever happened to her. She knows she just threw it all away. She knows that she may never be able to have that again. But she did anyway! Best thing and I'm sure you figured this out already. Discuss your daughter and keep the rest of the conversations business like. Get this divorce completed and get out there and find a woman who desires to be with you and who wants to share her life with you. You will find it and when you do, you'll realize you don't need your STBX's nonsense any longer. 1
Author petterr Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 Thanks guys! I have booked counselling for myself tomorrow! Need to figure out how to switch the off button. All of you have valid points and I think I really know she left planet earth in November with BD. So sad she had to turn in to a monster in order for me to let her go. Hasnt made it easier.
Author petterr Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 Sometimes I wonder what the point is treating her ok. Sometimes I whish I would treat her the way she treats me. Guess I know its wrong and it would only make things worse. She doesnt care what she does, says or how she treats me. Shes not human anymore. In the long run its always better to take the high road. Have to live with myself for the rest of my life knowing I did ok during these circumstances.
The Blue Knight Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Thanks guys! I have booked counselling for myself tomorrow! Need to figure out how to switch the off button. All of you have valid points and I think I really know she left planet earth in November with BD. So sad she had to turn in to a monster in order for me to let her go. Hasnt made it easier. Once that change takes place. It's hard to get them back. Saw it with my ex. Slightly different circumstances, but the same end result. Whatever the draw . . . booze, men, partying, excitement. They all have an incredible allure for the person who engages in them. It's a strange addictive dilemma, and against their own best interest, they'll still wander off in that direction because they have self-destructive personalities.
The Blue Knight Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Sometimes I wonder what the point is treating her ok. Sometimes I whish I would treat her the way she treats me. Guess I know its wrong and it would only make things worse. She doesnt care what she does, says or how she treats me. Shes not human anymore. In the long run its always better to take the high road. Have to live with myself for the rest of my life knowing I did ok during these circumstances. Because you're the better person. If you treat her awful, she'll remember that only and as she rewrites history. She'll say you were always that way and you'll play right into her hand. It would be much easier for her if you could be dislikable. By being a decent person, she can't dump all of her issues on you. I agree with your last paragraph! Good call!
2sunny Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Sometimes I wonder what the point is treating her ok. Sometimes I whish I would treat her the way she treats me. Guess I know its wrong and it would only make things worse. She doesnt care what she does, says or how she treats me. Shes not human anymore. In the long run its always better to take the high road. Have to live with myself for the rest of my life knowing I did ok during these circumstances. You want to treat her ok ( or better yet with neutrality) because how you act shows YOUR character. Not reacting to HER bad behavior allows YOU to not hand her all YOUR power. Handing her your power ALLOWS her to affect YOU. And you want to be a man that shows character and strength and honor. Text her questions regarding your kids. Text only with things she needs to answer yes or no...
Trimmer Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 (edited) Sometimes I wonder what the point is treating her ok. Sometimes I whish I would treat her the way she treats me. Guess I know its wrong and it would only make things worse. She doesnt care what she does, says or how she treats me. Shes not human anymore. In the long run its always better to take the high road. Have to live with myself for the rest of my life knowing I did ok during these circumstances. I completely agree with 2sunny, that the way you act shows YOUR character, and not because you want to make a point with her, or exert some influence upon her, but because that's the person you want to be. The other factor here is your children. To the degree that you can have a non-hostile relationship with her as co-parent, that will help your children through this difficult time, and through the rest of their adolescent development. But in order to do that, you need to be able to deal with her as a co-parent without layering in all of the ex-wife stuff. That's why I advocate looking at her as different characters, and working on accepting that the wife and friend characters have left and are no longer available, while you still work with her neutrally as a co-parent. I also want to address some comments earlier about how your 4-year old won't remember if you came to her birthday party or not. I suppose you can argue that she won't remember it as a conscious, episodic memory, but how you act around her during this time will become a part of both your relationship with her and your overall family dynamic, and that is the fertilizer of her growth and development - a part of her semantic memory. No one thing is necessarily a make-or-break item, but the overall attitudes, the atmosphere, the dynamic that you and your ex create, the patterns you engage in, these things do matter in your kids' lives, starting now and continuing forward. In my case, I have absolutely no desire to have any connection with my ex in the role of (ex)spouse or even friend. But soon after our split, I decided it was best for our children if we could be cooperative, supportive co-parents, and I believe this has paid off for them. So I specifically don't strike out at her for her transgressions as spouse and friend, because I know that would complicate our co-parent relationship, as well as create an air of hostility around the kids. Does she deserve some crap? Probably. Do I feel like she's "getting away with" what she did? Sure, in a sense I suppose, but in the long run, I'm not her judge; she has to live with all of that, and I get to move on with my head held high. I decided, as hurt as I was, that I'm not going to keep my emotional self tied to her by playing that role, by being the one rubbing her nose in it. By letting go, I get to look forward and have my own life; that's what I care about now. And equally important: that's what works best for our kids. I know it's still early for you, and it won't happen overnight, but I just want you to know it is possible. Edited June 7, 2012 by Trimmer
Author petterr Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 So glad you make time to answer my thread! I do learn alot and your advice are exactly what I need to keep pushing forward! Never thought something like this could make such an impact on me. Theres so only so much you can prepare for when going through something like this but what happens inside of me it seems I really have a hard time grasping. The best I felt so far was the first five weeks when we had seperated. Then we only had contact a couplenof times. But then she started contacting me more and more and I guess I felt safer and KABOOM I was right back to square one because of her confusion. Im guess im learning the hard way. Hopefully I have graduated now! When it comes to D. She simply adores me and I will never dissapoint the comfort and security she has with her father.
andyg99 Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 pete - you have been given great advice but I want to add one thing: when your ex recently asked you to take the kids on one of her nights you refused... some here applauded that decision saying you are not her babysitter, we'll you are not but you are their father. From what I have read your ex is very unstable, under normal (well as normal as things can be in a divorce situation) it is probably a good thing for each parent to keep to the custody agreement (especially early on). And if your ex was stable it probably wouldn’t be a bad thing to refuse taking them so she can go out, you’d set some boundaries. But in your case with your wife’s drinking and going out wouldn't it be better that they be with you whenever the opportunity is there? When you refused to take them what happened when you hung up? Did she take it out on the kids? Did she go out anyway? You probably don’t know the answer to those questions… It's very early in your divorce; take the kids whenever you can, even if it means breaking plans. Document everything - if she does this often you can use this to get more or even full custody. If she is truly as messed up as you make her seem then its better they are with you – again, document EVERYTHING. Kids first, always.
2sunny Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 pete - you have been given great advice but I want to add one thing: when your ex recently asked you to take the kids on one of her nights you refused... some here applauded that decision saying you are not her babysitter, we'll you are not but you are their father. From what I have read your ex is very unstable, under normal (well as normal as things can be in a divorce situation) it is probably a good thing for each parent to keep to the custody agreement (especially early on). And if your ex was stable it probably wouldn’t be a bad thing to refuse taking them so she can go out, you’d set some boundaries. But in your case with your wife’s drinking and going out wouldn't it be better that they be with you whenever the opportunity is there? When you refused to take them what happened when you hung up? Did she take it out on the kids? Did she go out anyway? You probably don’t know the answer to those questions… It's very early in your divorce; take the kids whenever you can, even if it means breaking plans. Document everything - if she does this often you can use this to get more or even full custody. If she is truly as messed up as you make her seem then its better they are with you – again, document EVERYTHING. Kids first, always. I disagree with changing your schedule every time she wants to party. It's not your responsibility to make up for her bad behavior. If she has no time for them - he can offer to have them full time IF she shows evidence of not being home enough. Kids need to see if she will be there for them. Making it convenient for her to avoid having them isn't right.
Author petterr Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 She didnt party because I didnt take the kids the other day! That makes me content in some way. Not giving her a choice forces her back to being a parent again. I will continue refusing to help out if her intent is partying. In any other situation I will take them. But... She cant handle her new life with everything she needs to do. So she needs me but doesnt want me. Have to figure this one out. To be an ok co-parent but have bounderies that I feel ok with. Problem is that theres a certain amount of power handed to her when she needs me and I help her out. And theres a huge difference. I would never ask her for nothing when it comes to the kids. Hell... Im an adult! When I have D my ex doesnt exist. If I have problems theres a ton of relatives who has my back. Guess ex and I are different that way. PRIDE!
2sunny Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 She didnt party because I didnt take the kids the other day! That makes me content in some way. Not giving her a choice forces her back to being a parent again. I will continue refusing to help out if her intent is partying. In any other situation I will take them. But... She cant handle her new life with everything she needs to do. So she needs me but doesnt want me. Have to figure this one out. To be an ok co-parent but have bounderies that I feel ok with. Problem is that theres a certain amount of power handed to her when she needs me and I help her out. And theres a huge difference. I would never ask her for nothing when it comes to the kids. Hell... Im an adult! When I have D my ex doesnt exist. If I have problems theres a ton of relatives who has my back. Guess ex and I are different that way. PRIDE! Only tell her to make those plans when you have the kids. Or she can pay a babysitter. But making it easier for her to not spend her time with her kids = no way. She should have thought of that when she left you... We all have consequences for our choices... This is one of her consequences. She's a Mom first - hopefully she will realize that. I don't see it as her pride being a problem - her selfishness is the problem! 1
Author petterr Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 Yep! No I ment my pride! Why would I ask her for anything what so ever! She has no pride! She needs me and she doesnt make an effort to remove me from her life completely! My patience is running low! Cutting her off compleately with no help what so ever isnt me. But it will be me if she makes any more mistakes. Tired of being me! Its time to tap into my other sides. One more try... She will fail and I will be forced to cut her off completely! Crystal ball!
andyg99 Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I disagree with changing your schedule every time she wants to party. It's not your responsibility to make up for her bad behavior. If she has no time for them - he can offer to have them full time IF she shows evidence of not being home enough. Kids need to see if she will be there for them. Making it convenient for her to avoid having them isn't right. maybe I missed something then, I was under the impression that his ex had a serious drinking problem - he should be fighting tooth and nail for full custody... I think anyone here who knows an alcoholic knows that they can be pretty horrible to be around when they can't drink... doesn't sound like a 4 year old should be around her - and "forcing" her to become a responsible parent doesn't make sense... "Kids need to see if she will be there for them." no, she should be there for them or not have them. Period. The kids shouldn't be there waiting around to see if she can "parent" them.... Again, Pete, maybe I misread some things about your ex - if she is just a walk away wife then I agree with Sunny, she needs to do her share of parenting and respect the custody arrangement but it really sounds like she is not someone who should be taking care of a 4 year old, correct me if I'm wrong...
andyg99 Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 She didnt party because I didnt take the kids the other day! That makes me content in some way. Not giving her a choice forces her back to being a parent again. I will continue refusing to help out if her intent is partying. you are making some assumptions here... she didn't go out and party? how was she with your kids, especially the younger one? did she sit around and sulk? when your girl went to ask her something was she nice or was she still pissed about them "ruining" her night out? I'm only asking you these things because you have portrayed your wife as unstable and you have said that you and her family do not even know who she is these days..... I would take those kids every chance you get until you know exactly who she is....
Author petterr Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 Ok! Shes not an alcoholic! Thats not he issue at all. She drinks and loses herself on the dance floor thats up to her! My problem with her behavior is the following: I will spell the words wrong She has type one diebetics Have han a heart attack Has something wrong with her metabolism. Takes medexine for it Has broblems with her muscles! Shes been on heavy drugs for about a year! And its still my fault that she feels the way she feels!
andyg99 Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Ok! Shes not an alcoholic! Thats not he issue at all. She drinks and loses herself on the dance floor thats up to her! My problem with her behavior is the following: I will spell the words wrong She has type one diebetics Have han a heart attack Has something wrong with her metabolism. Takes medexine for it Has broblems with her muscles! Shes been on heavy drugs for about a year! And its still my fault that she feels the way she feels! ok, thanks for clearing that up.... with the meds she's taking any drinking is not good....
Author petterr Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 I know! Shes totally lost it with low suger sooo many timrs! Several times I had to slap her face in order for her to wake up! Those tomes she had consumed alcohol. Suger! Now shes on her own... Worried!
The Blue Knight Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 She didnt party because I didnt take the kids the other day! That makes me content in some way. Not giving her a choice forces her back to being a parent again. I will continue refusing to help out if her intent is partying. In any other situation I will take them. But... She cant handle her new life with everything she needs to do. So she needs me but doesnt want me. Have to figure this one out. To be an ok co-parent but have bounderies that I feel ok with. Problem is that theres a certain amount of power handed to her when she needs me and I help her out. And theres a huge difference. I would never ask her for nothing when it comes to the kids. Hell... Im an adult! When I have D my ex doesnt exist. If I have problems theres a ton of relatives who has my back. Guess ex and I are different that way. PRIDE! I'm not sure how she's wording her partying comments but it may be worthwhile to tape all of her conversations. The day may come where you find out she left the kids home alone to go party if she really gets desperate and then you'll be glad you put together a solid case showing where her priorities were.
The Blue Knight Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Ok! Shes not an alcoholic! Thats not he issue at all. She drinks and loses herself on the dance floor thats up to her! My problem with her behavior is the following: I will spell the words wrong She has type one diebetics Have han a heart attack Has something wrong with her metabolism. Takes medexine for it Has broblems with her muscles! Shes been on heavy drugs for about a year! And its still my fault that she feels the way she feels! With that list you'd think she'd want the safety and security of someone like you.
Author petterr Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 She just cant leave me alone! Two texts today about nothing special! Just wrote OK! back! My Ic gave me the same advice you guys have told me when it comes to answering her! Hopefully shell get it in the end!
Recommended Posts