He wants me to delete my facebook?

[KathyM]

 

 

 

On the first bolded: in what you describe, there is a large number of choices. Firstly, the person CHOSE to contact an 'old flame'. Facebook didn't accidentally send that friend request on behalf of the user. Secondly, there is a CHOICE in accepting a friend request. Thirdly, there is a CHOICE in maintaining communication with someone. Facebook does not mysteriously just dispense of a person's brain and do all these things for us.

 

Yes, you CAN refuse friend requests. But if it is from a client, I don't really see the difference in the context of this thread. If you already have someone's email address and phone number and regular contact through business relations, it is hardly fb that will make the difference as to whether you develop an indecent relationship to that person or not.

 

.

Rejecting a friend request made by people whom you don't want to alienate is not a good plan. There's a lot of people a person needs to or wants to maintain a good relationship with, but with fb, you are put into the position of either having to reject that person, or friend him, which invites personal private conversations into your home with that person. It also gives people personal information about you, which I'd rather everyone in the world was not able to access. I wouldn't want my husband to be inviting his business contacts into our home when I'm not there and having personal conversations with them in our home in private. This is the same thing. It forces a familiarity which is best left out of the relationship. It expands a connection that should be left strictly in the business setting and not on a one-to-one basis.

[dasein]

Great news that you both seem to be getting past this hurdle. I'm more moderate about this than most posters. He's being inflexible in the same way lots of people are. I don't see abuse waiting to happen or extremely controlling escalation to other aspects of life. The dude just doesn't like FB.

 

Personally, the next woman I get involved with will not have text conversations with male friends I don't know about whom she doesn't want me to know or become friends of our relationship. If she persists, I'm gone. It's a hot button for me based on past experience. If she can't forego that freedom, she isn't ready for exclusivity. I don't feel as strongly about FB, but everyone of us has relationship hot buttons that may seem controlling when put in print, and working them out amicably is the remedy, not rushing immediately for the door.

[g450]

Yes, it is just a tool. But it is what people do with it that is the damaging part. For single people, it can be a great way to keep in touch. But for married people or those with serious relationships, it can allow feelings to develop for a person that started out as something benign. Many times it has happened that people get in touch with someone they used to know, and they develop feelings for that person that jeopardizes the person's relationship. Whether it's with clients, business associates, work collegues, or old friends or people you grew up with, when you are dealing with private, personal conversations, that can lead to something that is destructive to a person's relationship. If the guy/woman is going through a rough patch with his/her SO, those personal conversations can be the catalyst for romantic/serious feelings to develop. Even though you may trust your SO, it's the outsiders that now have personal access to your spouse that are the problem. Is your spouse supposed to refuse a friend request from a client? A coworker? A business contact? I'd rather not be allowing these people into our home via Facebook to have personal conversations with my husband. Fortunately, my husband is in total agreement with me on this, and we value our privacy and respect our boundaries.

 

Exactly Kathy. That was my whole point. You put it better than I did.

 

I have no problem with fb being used to stay in touch with family. It's when the term "just friends" comes into play that scrares the crap out of me. But I have to have faith that it's all inocent.

 

I do know what her fb password is but I do not use it. I also told her mine. But if the day comes that she happens to change it for some reason, then I will know somethings up. Which leads me to wonder if maybe I should check? No way to know unless I try right? I really dont want to stoop to that level though.

[denise_xo]

Rejecting a friend request made by people whom you don't want to alienate is not a good plan. There's a lot of people a person needs to or wants to maintain a good relationship with, but with fb, you are put into the position of either having to reject that person, or friend him, which invites personal private conversations into your home with that person. It also gives people personal information about you, which I'd rather everyone in the world was not able to access. I wouldn't want my husband to be inviting his business contacts into our home when I'm not there and having personal conversations with them in our home in private. This is the same thing. It forces a familiarity which is best left out of the relationship. It expands a connection that should be left strictly in the business setting and not on a one-to-one basis.

 

It's not complicated at all. You just tell people that you only use fb for close family, or that you don't really use it much. You can also adjust your settings so that no one can send you a friend request. The you have complete control over who you add.

 

FB also doesn't give people more info than you want them to have. I have no info about where I'm from, or my DOB, or any photos, or any info about my work or edu. I have also disabled my wall. What kind of info you put for people to see is YOUR responsibility. You can also filter the info so some people see more or less than others.

 

FB is not what's going to make the difference as to whether your H has inappropriate conversations with business relations or not. The key criteria here is your H's personality and the choices he makes.

Edited March 25, 2012 by denise_xo

[chucksagent]

My only thing about the liberal way of thinking is this...

 

1) Clearly him DEMANDING you delete it is wrong...clearly.

 

2) People saying "this guy must have issues" is also wrong...clearly. Nobody knows him like you do. Every human being on earth (except the liberal do gooders on this site) have weaknesses. EVERY HUMAN! So let me guess; this guy has a good job, treats you right, takes you to nice dinners, vacations, respects your wishes, doesn't curse at you or call you names, is good to your family, doesn't abuse drugs or alcohol, etc. But hey, he hates Facebook so he must be a loser. But some guy who has no future, lives with his parents, smokes pot, and ISN'T controlling on an issue like Facebook, is Johnny Cool Guy, who is worth waiting around for....LOL PLEASE!!!

 

3) What about the middle ground? Not deleting Facebook, BUT, deleting any creepy comments and being open and honest about random messages. ALSO, there is 100% a way to avoid messages from randoms and ONLY allow messages from friends. Trim the fat away from your friends list (You don't need some random dude who sat by you in study hall in 9th grade on there) and don't keep ONLY super close family and friends but eliminate anything that can escalate to trouble that isn't worth you having as a friend in the first place. People are sheep in general. They just ACCEPT it as ok to accept totally random or barely known associate's WHEN THE ORIGINAL POINT of facebook was supposed to be a way to keep in touch with CLOSE friends...lol...not people you don't care about in the first place.

 

4) Why should the random/creepy/slimy/man whores be able to be inappropriate and embarrass you and your boyfriend??? Seriously think about that. Your closest family and friends see your wall and pictures and stuff. Should they have to read inappropriate comment or picture comments "you're so hot babe!" We all know right from wrong. What's right? That upsetting your boyfriend or the creep posting something bad knowing you have a boyfriend?

 

I really respect your willingness to put yourself in his shoes and reverse roles. A lot of women just want what they want and refuse to do that. I just posted on another thread about a friend of mine who is in a weird situation and his girlfriend ADMITTED she'd hate it if the roles were reversed AND SHE IS STILL GOING TO DO THE THING!!!!!! That's American 2012 though my friend. I am happy to see people like you and I still exist but most liberals are just about feeling good and doing whatever is easy and fun at that moment.

 

Listen...

 

Facebook causes TONS of fights for all kinds of people...liberal, conservative, young, old. A lot of times I've had friends tell me they sometimes think it's more stress than it's worth. i.e. A parent reads something they never knew about a kid...an ex says something bold...a creeper says something raunchy, etc etc etc.

 

I think you should be able to have a FB as long as you comply with the following REASONABLE requests:

 

1) No racy pics...guys don't masturbate to fully clothed women...usually...lol

2) No flirty commenting too and fro...

3) Delete inappropriate comments AND the friends that leave them.

4) Delete randoms and people you don't NEED to be friends with.

5) Total disclosure to your boyfriend if anybody messages you or is bad.

6) Shut down messages from random people.

 

I can't see any other reason he wouldn't want you to have a Facebook?

 

Or, it's a free country, if his strengths don't outweigh this one weakness, than do whatever you want and risk him breaking up with you or you dump him yourself and move on. That's all life is...risk vs. reward. Whats important to you?

[piggyoink]

The guy most likely has issues and being good doesn't excuse the Facebook either either. He probably is one of those people(rhymes with a feminine hygiene product that starts with a d) and to top it off, is controlling.

[loversquarrel]

I Effing hate facebook. That being said, I wouldn't tell my girlfriend she couldn't have it. The important thing here is that you have tried to compromise with him, for instance, you gave him your password and offered to downsize your number of friends. This is an important aspect of trust in a relationship that he failed to see. It was a big move on your part and to be honest showed that you are willing to compromise with someone you care for. Its a very nice quality to have in someone and he should consider himself lucky.

My gf knew I struggled at times with insecurities because I came from a marriage in which my ex cheated on me. She offered her passwords and what not without me even asking. That alone showed me she cared for and trusted me and that it was ok for me to trust her. I just don't see that in this guy though.....I really think he's too controlling. A normal, healthy individual would have seen and realized you are a good woman and willing to give and take, and your actions were more than trustworthy.

[chucksagent]

Loversquarrel - That's very well said. Everyone has their negatives, insecurities, etc. in this world...the OP was willing to compromise and go above and beyond, and in today's world especially that is very awesome to see. He should have been happy and saw that you were kind and reasonable. I also am not a fan of Facebook because of the power it gives to creepers, perverts, and stalkers; but everyone uses it so it is what it is.

[JohnBons]

Phooey to all the people who snap told you to dump him. It doesn't work that way in real life.

 

Why doesn't he trust you?

 

Maybe you should talk to HIM about it, instead of us.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I don't know what to think about this; We have been together for a year, and he made it clear when we got together that he did NOT like the fact that I had a facebook. He's NEVER had one, and never plans to. I am 25 (F) and he is 30 (M). I think the whole social media thing is silly also, however, years ago when facebook first came out, my volleyball teammates basically MADE one for me, and I eventually fell into it. I've had it ever since. I'm not very active on it, as far as making status updates or commenting on people's stuff... But I like to have it to keep in touch with old high school friends or volleyball teammates, etc and just to browse when I am bored!

 

Now, I feel me having a FB is harmless- I have given him my Password before, and I know all I have it for, really, is to keep in touch with old pals. I'm not doing anything shady on it at all, and he knows this. He is just a jealous guy...

 

Because his view, however, is that it bothers him that I am "friends" with hundreds of people (most of which he does not know- high school friends and such.. which is true, I haven't spoken to most of my "facebook friends" in years) and that I have "hundreds of pictures" on there to which "any of those guys can jerk off to" .....!!?? Ok... maybe because I am a girl I do not think of that? I understand his concern I guess.... Honestly, it would suck if the roles were reversed.. So......

 

I suggested, "what if I delete all the random high school friends/guys and leave the 50ish people I'd liked to keep in touch with? (a.k.a. volleyball girls and close high school girlfriends")

 

........And his reply was the same. He said they could e-mail me if they wanted to get together (true)...

 

I love this man and I'm just wondering if him asking me to delete facebook is extremely controlling, or am I being a rude b*tch in sort of ignoring his feelings, seeing as he has never even had a facebook? Insight needed, PLEASE AND THANKS!

He is controlling and won't stop there; who does he think he is, your Father??? I would delete HIM!!.

[Chiyo]

As everyone has said, I think this is a warning sign. Deciding to end a relationship over Facebook accounts seems harsh, and I'm sure the other great things about him seem impossibly great compared to a Facebook account. But there is a real problem here, as other people have pointed out.

 

If not willing to end things, at the very least - have you discussed how he would feel/what will happen if you *don't* delete facebook? Is he going to leave you, etc.? Any response to this would be telling as far as how the health of your relationship will continue.

 

Beyond this, I will admit to having trust issues. I am not a jealous person by any means, but I am insecure at times. I know these issues. I have been cheated on. My current BF picked up on this on our first date. Of his own volition, he has done a number of things that seemed bizarre and over-the-top unnecessary for me, such as handing me his phone numerous times and telling me I can read through his texts, giving me both his email and FB passwords, even saving his email password on my computer.

 

I actually felt uncomfortable and unsaved his password. I do not snoop through any of his accounts. I have never distrusted him. But the point was made, and some part of me did feel better, even despite myself. And it helps too that when these nagging insecure thoughts pop up, I know I have only to ask, and he would show me anything I wanted that would make me feel better.

 

While I don't advocate "snooping" or not allowing privacy between two people, the fact that you have offered him this access should have been plenty. Knowing you are willing to not hide anything from him, or give him free access if he wants it, should be enough. If its not, that is the mark of a deeper problem.

 

Also, his concern that people could look at your photos and jack off, is potentially only a valid concern if you have particularly racy (purposefully made to have heavy sexual undertone type) photos on your profile, which I would doubt. Anything else: huge red flag. What's to stop him from thinking your clothing, etc.? might encourage other men to these thoughts?

[DavidNarn]

ok.. coming from a jealous boyfriend. i can understand where he is coming from..he obviously loves you a lot. i honestly want my girlfriend to delete her facebook too. the reason being, ( and im probably feeling what he is feeling ) he loves you and facebook honestly is for attention. you can deny it all you want but everyone ( including myself ) has a facebook for attention. whether its for other guys or just friends/family. yes, you like it because everyone has it and you like keeping in touch with everyone.

 

i dont like having my girlfriend on facebook because she had it before me for other guys. idk what you had it for but i get insecure that someone will start talking to her, which did happen. but he needs to trust you. its hard. i st ill dont trust my girlfriend even though i should...

 

bottom line. he loves you, he expects him to give you 100% of your attention/wants/needs. but thats not possible.

 

just saying. and dont listen to everyone saying "get out" he loves you..

[g450]

Good post David.

 

You are absolutely correct about that.

 

Almost every single woman I know on FB is a total attention whore.

 

Not everyone though. Me and my Fiancee can see each others FB pages and we use it to stay in touch with friends and family.

 

I do have issue with her constantly adding new guys on her friends list though. It makes me nervous. And the email option in FB is of course private so I have no idea whats in her in box.

 

I asked her about it and she says she doesnt remember befriending the last one and the others are family friends and friends from HS etc.

 

One thing I have noticed about women in general on FB is that they tend to feel bad if they do not accept a friend request. They fear being labeled as unfriendly or stuck up etc. So part of it is peer pressure.

 

But then again, stalkers and players take full advantage of that Im sure.

[enigmatic]

In a way, I see david's point about facebook being for attention. But I wouldn't call everyone with one an attention whore. The whole point of facebook is for social interaction online instead of in person. So yeah, if you are looking for social interaction, you want people to talk with you and engage with you...but that's all a part of being a human being. Most people want to be social to a moderate degree, and it's healthy. It can be taken to an unhealthy extreme if you are constantly starving for lots of attention, and it can also be unhealthy for anyone to withdrawal and be a hermit.

 

My view is, this guy, whether he knows it or not...wants to keep you locked in your house and have you all to himself...which is not love. It's the opposite of love because he is trying to take away your human nature of social interaction. It might not even be about him thinking you might cheat on him...he just doesn't like you engaging in to anyone but him, and it's very selfish and unhealthy of HIM. Like, if you had a party and a bunch of your female friends came over and you were having fun girly time, he would probably get jealous because he wasn't getting the attention from you.

 

If he really loved you, he would want you to have fun with friends and enjoy being social in person AND online.

 

This is coming from a woman who used to be criticized for having a myspace (back before facebook was a big thing). My ex didn't like the idea of myspace at all, or the idea of me having one...but he never asked me to delete mine, thank god because there would have been issues. Speaking of issues, my ex also had been battling bipolar, depression, and suicidal thoughts if you catch my drift. I'm not saying your guy is crazy or depressed, but something is not right. At the very least, he is selfish and wants you as his pet, not as his partner and you should put your foot down and tell him you can do as you please.

Edited May 5, 2012 by enigmatic

[g450]

Just to clarify about FB attention whores. I recend what I posted about that. It's just in my experience I would say more than 50% of the females I know are just that way.

 

It's easy to tell who is a FBAW IMHO. If they have 100-300 FB friends and 50 or more are single guys, they probably are. And if they create all kinds of drama almost daily on their pages and post vaigue stuff about being lonely and hurt bla bla bla and even post when they so much as fart then they probably are as well.

 

Then there are the ones that have a new BF every month or two and diss the old one once the new one comes into their lives etc etc.

 

Again though, this is just my own opinion based on my own experiences on FB. Thank God there is an ignore and ban option on FB. Thats all I can say.

[Breeze1964]

Ok, my ex's new GF, whom he has been going out with for three weeks has not posted one pic of the two of them on her facebook page. He has two of them together (probably for my viewing benefit...lmfao) and has stated hes in a relationship with her on his status. She doesnt state this...most of her FB friends are guys...oh yeah my ex is 50 and shes like 30...what gives, privacy or playing my ex?

[KathyM]

Ok, my ex's new GF, whom he has been going out with for three weeks has not posted one pic of the two of them on her facebook page. He has two of them together (probably for my viewing benefit...lmfao) and has stated hes in a relationship with her on his status. She doesnt state this...most of her FB friends are guys...oh yeah my ex is 50 and shes like 30...what gives, privacy or playing my ex?

She's obviously embarrassed to admit that she's dating a 50 year old dude, and that is why she wants to keep it a secret from others. Either that, or she's not exclusive with him, so she's not inclined to put anything on her fb page that would indicate she's in a relationship because she's not. She's probably just using him until someone better comes along.

[Breeze1964]

Thank you both for confirming for me what I was thinking...LMAO csant wait for the day when he trys to blow my cell back up with texts messages after she dumps him for something better! LOL!

[ascendotum]

LMAO!! It would appear dating Mr. Midlife Crisis is somewhat of an EMBARRASSMENT for her and she prefers not to broadcast it.

 

He, on the other hand, thinks he's quite the stud because he's bagged himself a 30 year old and wants the world to know it. Apparently, she doesn't think he's THAT much of a prize or she'd be shouting it from the rooftops - right? :laugh:

 

You dont have to broadcast to everyone on all aspects of your private life, and that includes a new lover, and thats all he may be, just a lover and not a LTR partner. Chances are he hopes its the later, but I'd frame it along the lines of KathyM's post though, after all she cant exactly look down on him if she's getting down on her knees for this guy.