He wants me to delete my facebook?

[g450]

It seems that he is trying to control you, which can be red flag for your relationship. Make him understand that it is just a social networking site, which helps you to keep in touch with your friends...

 

Well it is more than "just" a social networking site. It's also an ODS. A bar or club for single people could also be considered "just" a social networking site or "just" a meat market.

 

Fact is, they call it f-book for a reason. Wish I had a dollar for every facebook related divorce here where wife or husband hooked up with an old lover. In fact my own XW did exactly that so I understand the guys concern. She found her old HS lover on FB and that was it for our marriage. So you can imagine how I felt when my Fiancee decided to also get on facbook.

 

My current fiance did the same thing, she got very upset one night and let out that she hated the fact that I had women on my friends list that were single. So to make her happy I deleted every single one of them except family and male friends. To my dissapointment, she now has 70+ friends on her page vs 40 I have on mine. And she has many single men on hers who she claims are "just" old friends etc so that makes it all OK I guess.

I didnt say a word about that but I did occasionally ask her "who is this single guy on your page, I dont recognize him" etc.

 

Facebook is a double edged sword to any relationship. The only solution I see for the OP is to openly share all passwords with each other. If one or both refuse to do that then either one is not trusting and / or one is actually cheating on the other. It's just that simple.

 

If you know it bothers your H then why not respect his feelings about it. How would you feel if he had a bunch of single womens phone numbers on his cell phone? Works both ways. Any time a person has to put the word "just" in front of the word "friends" that is usually a red flag in itself.

 

But if you trully feel that he is controling and has a problem and Facebook is THAT important to you then do yourself and him both a favor and end the relationship. Hopefully facebook will keep you warm at night.

[piggyoink]

UGH!

 

Stop jumping around like a freakin' trained seal for this jerk.

 

If HE'S got insecurity problems then let HIM go get some therapy and learn how to deal with LIFE.

 

It's not YOUR job to compromise YOUR life just to make HIM feel better because he has obvious issues.

 

And the bottom line is that more than likely, he's not even going to be around in a couple of years - your Facebook profile will outlive HIM in your life.

 

Stop it.

 

You got that right.

[Diamonds&Rust]

Fact is, they call it f-book for a reason.

That's actually a different site for finding casual sex partner.

Facebook is a double edged sword to any relationship. The only solution I see for the OP is to openly share all passwords with each other. If one or both refuse to do that then either one is not trusting and / or one is actually cheating on the other. It's just that simple.

Your relationships sound really unhealthy, and I don't understand why people who have been wounded think that collapsed boundaries will prevent them from ever getting hurt again.

 

Refusing to give in to controlling behavior is not a sign of poor character or infidelity! You're confusing privacy with secrecy. You wish it were that simple, because you refuse to acknowledge the complexity of trust.

If you know it bothers your H then why not respect his feelings about it.

You're confusing respecting someone's feelings for doing what they say, which is a really common manipulative tactic of which you seem fond. A good way to respect someone's feelings of insecurity is to provide them the opportunity to safely practice developing intimacy in the form of increased trust.

 

You're also possibly confusing a boyfriend for a husband. This is just some jerk who thinks he can control her to temporarily calm his own serious troubles.

[denise_xo]

Well it is more than "just" a social networking site. It's also an ODS. A bar or club for single people could also be considered "just" a social networking site or "just" a meat market.

 

Fact is, they call it f-book for a reason. Wish I had a dollar for every facebook related divorce here where wife or husband hooked up with an old lover. In fact my own XW did exactly that so I understand the guys concern. She found her old HS lover on FB and that was it for our marriage. So you can imagine how I felt when my Fiancee decided to also get on facbook.

 

My current fiance did the same thing, she got very upset one night and let out that she hated the fact that I had women on my friends list that were single. So to make her happy I deleted every single one of them except family and male friends. To my dissapointment, she now has 70+ friends on her page vs 40 I have on mine. And she has many single men on hers who she claims are "just" old friends etc so that makes it all OK I guess.

I didnt say a word about that but I did occasionally ask her "who is this single guy on your page, I dont recognize him" etc.

 

Facebook is a double edged sword to any relationship. The only solution I see for the OP is to openly share all passwords with each other. If one or both refuse to do that then either one is not trusting and / or one is actually cheating on the other. It's just that simple.

 

If you know it bothers your H then why not respect his feelings about it. How would you feel if he had a bunch of single womens phone numbers on his cell phone? Works both ways. Any time a person has to put the word "just" in front of the word "friends" that is usually a red flag in itself.

 

But if you trully feel that he is controling and has a problem and Facebook is THAT important to you then do yourself and him both a favor and end the relationship. Hopefully facebook will keep you warm at night.

 

The OP has already given her bf her password to fb. It wasn't good enough for him. He clearly has issues that he needs to sort out before he engages in a relationship.

 

The idea that any 'feeling' a partner may have should be 'respected' is bonkers. People have all kinds of unrealistic and unconstructive feelings all the time. 'Respecting' them can be enabling of dysfunction, rather than building the basis of a healthy relationship.

[g450]

Well in that case then yes he is (aledgedly) controling. So much for my speed reading skills I guess.

 

It would be up to the OP to decide if she is going to put up with that in the future.

 

But remember, My Fiancee (then GF) did the same thing to me. I did deleted those women simply to keep the peace and to show her that I did respect her feelings about it. I had to decide what was more important. My Facebook friends (most of which I have never even met) or to hold on to the woman I fell in love with. Not a hard decision to make.

 

Sadly, both me and my Fiance were cheated on. And at one point she did in fact leave me to go back to her XH. So yes there have been trust issues on both sides but mostly on mine. In our case though, things are way better than they used to be early in the relationship.

 

So I guess what Im saying is that Trust doest just come automatically in a new relationship. You have to build it. Things arent always as black and white as they seem. Also remember, you are only getting HER side of the story. There may be a lot to this that she may be trickletruthing about. I see people do this all the time here.

[denise_xo]

But remember, My Fiancee (then GF) did the same thing to me. I did deleted those women simply to keep the peace and to show her that I did respect her feelings about it. I had to decide what was more important. My Facebook friends (most of which I have never even met) or to hold on to the woman I fell in love with. Not a hard decision to make.

 

Well, I view that situation differently. IMO, it's not at all about choosing between fb friends or a partner. It's about deciding what kind of dynamics one wants to influence a relationship.

 

If I feel insecure about something my H does (which in reality doesn't really happen, but as a hypothetical example), my first job, AFAIC, is to address MY insecurity head on, before I try to front load it on to a partner. I need to OWN MY problems, rather than project them on to the person I supposedly love. Trust is built by gaining intimacy and respect between two people. My H deleting his fb profile is really not the first tool I'd choose towards that end.

 

 

Also remember, you are only getting HER side of the story.

 

Sure, but that's how this forum operates. All we have to go on is the information given in the OP, so that is what I choose to relate to.

[piggyoink]

Well, I view that situation differently. IMO, it's not at all about choosing between fb friends or a partner. It's about deciding what kind of dynamics one wants to influence a relationship.

 

If I feel insecure about something my H does (which in reality doesn't really happen, but as a hypothetical example), my first job, AFAIC, is to address MY insecurity head on, before I try to front load it on to a partner. I need to OWN MY problems, rather than project them on to the person I supposedly love. Trust is built by gaining intimacy and respect between two people. My H deleting his fb profile is really not the first tool I'd choose towards that end.

 

 

 

 

Sure, but that's how this forum operates. All we have to go on is the information given in the OP, so that is what I choose to relate to.

 

And.... It wouldn't feel right if someone cares enough about some insignificant facebook friends to feel better if they were deleted.

[2sunny]

He's training you to bow down to his every request. But you ARE doing it, aren't you?

 

Why are you doing it? He training YOU to be submissive... So he can control ALL of you.

 

It's not healthy! You knew it when you posted here!

 

RUN!!!! Fast - and don't look back!

 

Find a man that lives ALL of you - just the way you are!

[TaraMaiden]

you mean 'loves'.... right?

[2sunny]

you mean 'loves'.... right?

 

Oops - yes! Loves! Dang it - the o is next to the I on my keyboard!

[TaraMaiden]

Mone tii.....

[denise_xo]

And.... It wouldn't feel right if someone cares enough about some insignificant facebook friends to feel better if they were deleted.

 

She did offer to delete them. It wasn't enough for him.

 

As I said above, the point is not that the fb friends are more important than a partner. It's about what kind of dynamics you allow in a relationship. The dynamics described in the OP are toxic.

[fmlgirl]

Honestly, I dated a guy like this who started with facebook, then he wanted me to delete my skype account and also change my email address.. He was the most jealous boyfriend in the world and the hardest part was that I was living in another country with him in his HOUSE! so i really had no way to escape... his jealousy totally creeped up on me and it seemed innocent but then developed into a totally scary beast.

 

TAKE THIS AS A WARNING SIGN

 

GET OUTTTT

[KathyM]

I don't know what to think about this; We have been together for a year, and he made it clear when we got together that he did NOT like the fact that I had a facebook. He's NEVER had one, and never plans to. I am 25 (F) and he is 30 (M). I think the whole social media thing is silly also, however, years ago when facebook first came out, my volleyball teammates basically MADE one for me, and I eventually fell into it. I've had it ever since. I'm not very active on it, as far as making status updates or commenting on people's stuff... But I like to have it to keep in touch with old high school friends or volleyball teammates, etc and just to browse when I am bored!

 

Now, I feel me having a FB is harmless- I have given him my Password before, and I know all I have it for, really, is to keep in touch with old pals. I'm not doing anything shady on it at all, and he knows this. He is just a jealous guy...

 

Because his view, however, is that it bothers him that I am "friends" with hundreds of people (most of which he does not know- high school friends and such.. which is true, I haven't spoken to most of my "facebook friends" in years) and that I have "hundreds of pictures" on there to which "any of those guys can jerk off to" .....!!?? Ok... maybe because I am a girl I do not think of that? I understand his concern I guess.... Honestly, it would suck if the roles were reversed.. So......

 

I suggested, "what if I delete all the random high school friends/guys and leave the 50ish people I'd liked to keep in touch with? (a.k.a. volleyball girls and close high school girlfriends")

 

........And his reply was the same. He said they could e-mail me if they wanted to get together (true)...

 

I love this man and I'm just wondering if him asking me to delete facebook is extremely controlling, or am I being a rude b*tch in sort of ignoring his feelings, seeing as he has never even had a facebook? Insight needed, PLEASE AND THANKS!

Facebook can be a good thing, or it can be a relationship killer. It's responsible for many marriages breaking up when old bf or gf get back in touch with a person, and that married person may be going through a rough patch in his marriage. I think Facebook should be discontinued when married, in order to protect the marriage. It has also caused many breakups with non-married people. My sister divorced her second husband because of Facebook. He wouldn't defriend women who contacted him because they had an interest in him. He didn't want to offend them or hurt their feelings by defriending them, and thought he could just keep them as friends. Thing is, the women had a romantic interest in him, even if his initial intentions were not bad. He ended up losing his wife over it. One of my sons and his gf broke up because of Facebook. She got upset that female acquaintances were contacting my son on Facebook, even though he was totally faithful to her and he had no romantic interest in these other girls. It has the potential to do a lot of harm to a relationship, and allows people into your SO's life that shouldn't be there. If you continue to use Facebook, at the very least, you should have a joint account with a picture of the both of you together, that you both have access to, so people get the message loud and clear that you are a couple who is solidly together. Otherwise, people could use that as an opportunity to get their foot in the door. Some contacts may start out as benign, but develop into something inappropriate later on. I think your bf is right to want to protect the relationship. At the very least, you should have a joint account. If a person is married, it's best to not have a Facebook account at all. Too many marriages have broken up because of Facebook.

[TaraMaiden]

FACEBOOK - does - nothing.

Facebook is simply a medium, a tool for communication and interaction.

If people are stupid enough to behave in foolish, indiscreet, reckless ways, and then advertise it on a public forum - then more fool them.

Facebook holds no responsibility here - it's a static inert medium.

people are dumb, not computer programs.

 

you go onto my profile on facebook, and you'll learn next to nothing about me, my friends, or my business.

 

you know why?

 

because I'm not dumb.

[denise_xo]

Facebook can be a good thing, or it can be a relationship killer. It's responsible for many marriages breaking up when old bf or gf get back in touch with a person, and that married person may be going through a rough patch in his marriage. I think Facebook should be discontinued when married, in order to protect the marriage. It has also caused many breakups with non-married people. My sister divorced her second husband because of Facebook. He wouldn't defriend women who contacted him because they had an interest in him. He didn't want to offend them or hurt their feelings by defriending them, and thought he could just keep them as friends. Thing is, the women had a romantic interest in him, even if his initial intentions were not bad. He ended up losing his wife over it. One of my sons and his gf broke up because of Facebook. She got upset that female acquaintances were contacting my son on Facebook, even though he was totally faithful to her and he had no romantic interest in these other girls. It has the potential to do a lot of harm to a relationship, and allows people into your SO's life that shouldn't be there. If you continue to use Facebook, at the very least, you should have a joint account with a picture of the both of you together, that you both have access to, so people get the message loud and clear that you are a couple who is solidly together. Otherwise, people could use that as an opportunity to get their foot in the door. Some contacts may start out as benign, but develop into something inappropriate later on. I think your bf is right to want to protect the relationship. At the very least, you should have a joint account. If a person is married, it's best to not have a Facebook account at all. Too many marriages have broken up because of Facebook.

 

I really can't see how what you are describing means that 'they divorced because of facebook'. They divorced because they did not agree on what boundaries they should both follow with regard to interactions with people of the opposite sex.

 

The OP has already given her partner her password AND offered to delete most of her 'friends' and just retain the girls she play volleyball with and high schools girlfriends. I think that's meeting him more than half way on this issue. He, however, has shown no will to compromise.

[TaraMaiden]

It's like blaming the fact a colleague is coming on to you, on your work environment and building....

[KathyM]

I really can't see how what you are describing means that 'they divorced because of facebook'. They divorced because they did not agree on what boundaries they should both follow with regard to interactions with people of the opposite sex.

 

The OP has already given her partner her password AND offered to delete most of her 'friends' and just retain the girls she play volleyball with and high schools girlfriends. I think that's meeting him more than half way on this issue. He, however, has shown no will to compromise.

Well, what was my brother-in-law supposed to do--refuse to friend anyone of the opposite sex and only have same gender people on there? Refuse to friend someone you grew up with or were friends with in high school? Refuse to friend a co-worker who you have to see every day? Facebook opens the door for personal communication that should not be taking place between people who should not be having contact outside of a certain setting with your SO who are of the opposite sex. My sister's husband considered these women as friends. As friends, he did not want to hurt their feelings by defriending them. But these "friends" at one time wanted more from him than just friendship at a time when he was not married. Facebook opens the door for and gives people access to your spouse or SO that really should be left to other, more public settings, if at all. In the case of the OP, she is trying to compromise to ease his fears, but it's still a tricky situation because other men will be contacting his gf on there, and she will be put in the position of either accepting their friend request, or offending them by rejecting them. Facebook is what caused my son and his gf to break up. She didn't like that other women (who he had no interest in) who were casual friends from school were contacting him, so she insisted he delete his Facebook account. That is what broke them up. The OPs bf is right to be concerned, because Facebook is responsible for the breakup of many marriages and many relationships. Like I said, at the very least, they should have a joint account, joint pictures, and make it very clear on their fb page that they are both using it and viewing it.

[denise_xo]

Well, what was my brother-in-law supposed to do--refuse to friend anyone of the opposite sex and only have same gender people on there? Refuse to friend someone you grew up with or were friends with in high school? Refuse to friend a co-worker who you have to see every day? Facebook opens the door for personal communication that should not be taking place between people who should not be having contact outside of a certain setting with your SO who are of the opposite sex. My sister's husband considered these women as friends. As friends, he did not want to hurt their feelings by defriending them. But these "friends" at one time wanted more from him than just friendship at a time when he was not married. Facebook opens the door for and gives people access to your spouse or SO that really should be left to other, more public settings, if at all. In the case of the OP, she is trying to compromise to ease his fears, but it's still a tricky situation because other men will be contacting his gf on there, and she will be put in the position of either accepting their friend request, or offending them by rejecting them. Facebook is what caused my son and his gf to break up. She didn't like that other women (who he had no interest in) who were casual friends from school were contacting him, so she insisted he delete his Facebook account. That is what broke them up. The OPs bf is right to be concerned, because Facebook is responsible for the breakup of many marriages and many relationships. Like I said, at the very least, they should have a joint account, joint pictures, and make it very clear on their fb page that they are both using it and viewing it.

 

Well, that also applies to email and mobile phones. Should the OP get rid of those, too? With many people, it's even easier to find their work related email on the web than it is to find their profile on facebook.

 

Your sister and her H had different understandings about where and how to draw the line in relation to communication with the opposite sex. That was the real problem at hand. He could very easily have ignored facebook friends requests of the opposite sex - if he had agreed to the view that it was the appropriate thing to do. He could also very easily have communicated to the women who contacted him that it wasn't appropriate for him to communicate with them given that they had expressed that they wanted more than just a friendship, and he was married. That's what people in relationships do when they receive 'unwanted' attention - it isn't any different on facebook than it is in real life. It is also perfectly possible to make yourself 'unsearchable' on facebook, to ignore friend requests, to disable your wall, or to block people from sending you messages. Your sister's H was unwilling to do that, which your sister in turn did not want to accept. That discrepancy is the problem - not the medium. The same applies to your son. He and her gf had different understanding of where the boundaries were.

 

In a solid relationship, we have to trust our partner to also 'behave' in non public settings.

[TaraMaiden]

.......Facebook opens the door for personal communication that should not be taking place between people who should not be having contact outside of a certain setting with your SO who are of the opposite sex. My sister's husband considered these women as friends. As friends, he did not want to hurt their feelings by defriending them. But these "friends" at one time wanted more from him than just friendship at a time when he was not married. Facebook opens the door for and gives people access to your spouse or SO that really should be left to other, more public settings, if at all. In the case of the OP, she is trying to compromise to ease his fears, but it's still a tricky situation because other men will be contacting his gf on there, and she will be put in the position of either accepting their friend request, or offending them by rejecting them. Facebook is what caused my son and his gf to break up. She didn't like that other women (who he had no interest in) who were casual friends from school were contacting him, so she insisted he delete his Facebook account. That is what broke them up. The OPs bf is right to be concerned, because Facebook is responsible for the breakup of many marriages and many relationships. Like I said, at the very least, they should have a joint account, joint pictures, and make it very clear on their fb page that they are both using it and viewing it.

 

so if you eat one more cake than you should - it's the cake's fault?

 

so if you end up buying a pair of shoes for $200, instead of the ones you should have bought for $100, it's the shoes' fault?

 

so if you give in to your child's pestering and buy that particular toy he wants you to buy him - it's his fault?

 

FaceBook does nothing on its own.

like a pen, it cannot write a thing - unless someone picks it up and writes something with it.

if relationships break up - it's because the Trust, Respect and communication breaks down, between those people.

Facebook is just an excuse and projects the fault and responsibility "out there" - when in fact, it lies at the feet of those who are dumb enough to flaunt their lives in it.

[pteromom]

I haven't read all the replies, but you need to be firm about your own boundaries.

 

"I am not deleting my Facebook account. I enjoy it, and it isn't happening. You have to trust that I am not doing anything on there I wouldn't do in front of you, and if you don't, we have a bigger problem than Facebook. I am sorry it makes you uncomfortable, but this is non-negotiable."

 

Period.

 

And don't negotiate.

 

His jealousy and insecurity is unfounded and HE needs to learn how to get over it if he wants to be in a relationship with you.

[CupcakeCrisis]

Unless you're not telling the whole story, and you've got guys posting on your wall about how cute and sexy you are, and you're posting suggestive pictures (I do think that the girls who are frequently posting pictures of themselves in bikinis count as far as the 'suggestive' pictures go), I think his response is unreasonable. But if there's more to this story - i.e., he feels threatened that guys are flirting a little too frequently with you or you are posting things that are inappropriate - then I can't entirely blame him for feeling insecure and concerned.

 

But I have a feeling that's really not the case here.

 

You already know what the others have said - why does he even HAVE your Facebook password? My feeling is that couples should have privacy and they should have their own private place. I've never had any of my boyfriend's passwords to various sites and we've been together about 4 years. The fact that he's apparently pushed you into that is startling, in my opinion.

[Almond_Joy]

I got a knot in my chest just reading the OP.

 

As everyone else here has already said:

 

1) This is a huge red flag,

2) You are enabling him by compromising on your boundaries, and

3) This is likely to only get worse if you stay and continue to compromise.

 

Escalation to emotional and physical abuse is a very real possibility with this man.

 

I'd really like to see an update from OP on how she handled this/what her plan of action is....

[g450]

Facebook can be a good thing, or it can be a relationship killer. It's responsible for many marriages breaking up when old bf or gf get back in touch with a person, and that married person may be going through a rough patch in his marriage. I think Facebook should be discontinued when married, in order to protect the marriage. It has also caused many breakups with non-married people. My sister divorced her second husband because of Facebook. He wouldn't defriend women who contacted him because they had an interest in him. He didn't want to offend them or hurt their feelings by defriending them, and thought he could just keep them as friends. Thing is, the women had a romantic interest in him, even if his initial intentions were not bad. He ended up losing his wife over it. One of my sons and his gf broke up because of Facebook. She got upset that female acquaintances were contacting my son on Facebook, even though he was totally faithful to her and he had no romantic interest in these other girls. It has the potential to do a lot of harm to a relationship, and allows people into your SO's life that shouldn't be there. If you continue to use Facebook, at the very least, you should have a joint account with a picture of the both of you together, that you both have access to, so people get the message loud and clear that you are a couple who is solidly together. Otherwise, people could use that as an opportunity to get their foot in the door. Some contacts may start out as benign, but develop into something inappropriate later on. I think your bf is right to want to protect the relationship. At the very least, you should have a joint account. If a person is married, it's best to not have a Facebook account at all. Too many marriages have broken up because of Facebook.

 

^^^^^^

This!

 

Could not have said it better myself. And like I asked earlier. How would the OP feel if her guy had a bunch of single womens names and numbers on his cell phone? Same thing. I would like to hear the answer to that.

 

Yes he is is overly controling. No debate about that now, but I undestand where he is coming from. Lost my wife to FB as well. And ironically, I never ever asked her to delete people off her FB.

 

Current Fiance has a bunch of guys on hers even after she asked me to get rid of females I had on mine. But I took the high road and never bring it up even though it bothers me. I am trusting her. I just hope I am not a trusting fool like I was with my first marriage.

[TaraMaiden]

^^^^^^

This!

 

Could not have said it better myself. And like I asked earlier. How would the OP feel if her guy had a bunch of single womens names and numbers on his cell phone? Same thing. I would like to hear the answer to that.

that person would first of all have to give me a reason to mistrust them... i'd have to see more action, before i took umbrage at a whole list of names....

 

Yes he is is overly controling. No debate about that now, but I undestand where he is coming from. Lost my wife to FB as well. And ironically, I never ever asked her to delete people off her FB.

No, you didn't lose your wife to FB.

you lost her through her indiscretion, lying, deceit, covering up and just trying to hide the obvious from you.

It's her behaviour that lost you your wife.

Not FB.

 

Current Fiance has a bunch of guys on hers even after she asked me to get rid of females I had on mine. But I took the high road and never bring it up even though it bothers me. I am trusting her. I just hope I am not a trusting fool like I was with my first marriage.

Oh, you mean you're not mistrusting FB to lose her for you?

do you see what you're saying here?

In the first instance, you "lost your wife to FB" but now your current GF is also on FB with a 'bunch of guys' on her profile - you're trusting her?

 

Get the point?