He wants me to delete my facebook?

[denise_xo]

My H has several females on his fb profile, many of them single. I don't see the problem.

[flyaway]

I think password sharing can be done on FB if a couple desires that. But please, keep separate accounts in that case. Couple JOINT accounts on Facebook creep me the hell out. Not all of your friends are going to be mutual, online or real life.

 

FB doesn't destroy relationships, people destroy relationships. Facebook doesn't will a guy or a girl to add RANDOM opposite sex people and flirt online. If they do online, they usually do it in real life too. That's their own choice and if you don't like it, then instead of blaming FB, it is much better to find someone who won't flirt or do sketchy crap, online or off.

 

I mean, which would you rather have? Having accountability and openness with a partner that you trust and being able to enjoy social networking together....or monitoring your wifey and "forbidding" FB because, frankly, you don't trust her on it. Might as well take away her cell phone too.

[nofool4u]

I don't know what to think about this; We have been together for a year, and he made it clear when we got together that he did NOT like the fact that I had a facebook. He's NEVER had one, and never plans to. I am 25 (F) and he is 30 (M). I think the whole social media thing is silly also, however, years ago when facebook first came out, my volleyball teammates basically MADE one for me, and I eventually fell into it. I've had it ever since. I'm not very active on it, as far as making status updates or commenting on people's stuff... But I like to have it to keep in touch with old high school friends or volleyball teammates, etc and just to browse when I am bored!

 

Now, I feel me having a FB is harmless- I have given him my Password before, and I know all I have it for, really, is to keep in touch with old pals. I'm not doing anything shady on it at all, and he knows this. He is just a jealous guy...

 

 

I see your point, and I see his. As long as he has your password, I don't see as much of a problem.

 

However, FB today tends to be a source of alot of couples problems. But my guess is its by the people that don't give their SO access to it.

[Diamonds&Rust]

The solution to insecurity is not collapsed boundaries. Even if you're both cool with it, it's unhealthy as hell.

 

Sharing passwords? Why even have a password to begin with?

[TaraMaiden]

Um.... because the site requires it....?

you can't open any online account anywhere, without having to create a password....

sorry - is that what you mean?

[Diamonds&Rust]

No. I mean why bother having the illusion of boundaries if they don't exist.

 

It's like this: you don't know if your wife is secretly having a lover climb in through the bathroom window and have sex with her every time she supposedly "goes to the bathroom." So really, you ought to take the bathroom door off the hinges. If she has nothing to hide, it won't bother her.

[H0peless]

Thank-you ALL for your input and opinions!

 

To whomever said facebook doesn't ruin relationships, people do... I totally agree.

 

And here's the thing- No, I have 0 suggestive photos of myself on FB, nor do I friend anybody whom I have never met in person (I think THAT is creepy and grounds for a fight, for sure). I rarely post photos of my own, occasionally I will be tagged in a few. Not often. And I've got LOTS of pictures of my boyfriend and I on there! He knows that and he also knows it says I am "in a relationship" and that I have no ex-boyfriends as friends!

 

And like I said, I offered up my p.word to ease his mind (whatever, I have NOTHING TO HIDE!!), and to get rid of some people I went to high school with or haven't spoken to in years.

 

And he still freaked- started giving me an ultimatum "It's facebook or me" wtf? To which I continued to call him out on his insecurities, explain to him why he was being unreasonable, etc. and that I have been through this type of behavior before with an ex boyfriend a very long time ago... I did not put up with it then, nor will I now. I told him I refuse to be a doormat girlfriend and if that is what he would like, he can leave. I also did mention something to him about "Ok first it's facebook, then what? My cell phone?"

 

He dropped it... sorta. I told him if I choose to get rid of facebook it will be on my OWN terms, not because I'm forced... but I do wonder if/when he will start another fight about this in the future.

 

It's very frustrating when, for the last year, I have been nothing but loyal and honest with him because I truly value our relationship and him as a person and yet he seems to keep making me feel like I am doing something wrong, when I never have. I feel like I am walking on egg shells!

 

And it's not fair. For example, he went out of the country to a concert not too long ago, with a buddy of his- I had no issue with it, as long as he called because I wouldn't be able to contact him. I was happy for him! He called me that night, all was well, I slept peacefully. He came home the next day and told me all about it, he had a bunch of fun, him and his buddy ended up making friends with a few other concert goers and partied with them... never once did I flip! I think it's healthy to be able to do things like that! Another buddy of his recently wanted to take a 13 hr trip to go to another concert and I said- go for it! have fun! (he didn't end up going, but point is I had no issue with it). I said to him, "Why do I feel like if the shoe was on the other foot, you'd freak out and not be speaking to me?" And his response, "Well if you went with someone like so and so, I wouldn't mind" -- implying that he only trusts certain friends of mine. Um, if he trusted ME it shouldn't matter who I would go with to an out of state concert, right?!?!?!? wtf?

 

It's much easier said than done, to walk away from someone you really care about. Even if you know it's not necessarily the healthiest situation. I will let you guys know if this comes up again, but honestly if we fight about something silly like this again in the future, I think I will reach my breaking point and know what I have to do. I just think some of the things I said and explained to him actually shut him up and made him think... we'll see. Thanks again for the help!

[Eddie Edirol]

You didnt change his mind, you just called his bluff. He doesnt want to break it off, but he sill wants to be jealous. So this will come up again in the future,and you probably wont break it off then. But think about this, you sure he isnt acting suspicious of you to cover up indiscretions of his own?

[H0peless]

Yes.. I guess what you said is true.

 

I have wondered that myself, actually because I have heard a lot of jealous types are only so because they are reflecting their actions in their own worries/jealousy. So I've considered that..

 

However, I think he was just burned badly in the past by being lied to a lot. He has explained a couple major incidents which happened in a couple past relationships, which while the girls involved weren't cheating on him, they hurt him badly by making up some pretty big lies. I think that has made him feel inadequate in some way, a little paranoid, and combine that with the fact that he does not have a lot of money (therefore not much to offer in that respect)... it makes him very insecure...

 

He is very open about who he talks to or spends time with, I have met all of his friends, even his 1 close "girl" friend (who doesn't threaten me at all). He never hides his phone or keeps it on silent... he is also a very short drive away so I don't believe he would ever lie to me about going anywhere or having anyone over, because I could easily show up unannounced if I wanted to... So yes, I agree with you that is a possibility but I honestly don't think it's the case here.. Thanks for your reply

[Diamonds&Rust]

It sucks that your boyfriend has been hurt in the past. That said, insecurity ceases to be something worth anyone's pity the moment that it turns into abusive behavior.

 

And like I said, I offered up my p.word to ease his mind (whatever, I have NOTHING TO HIDE!!)

You will notice that nothing you can do will ease his mind enough, and that doing things to ease his mind will reinforce his belief that his insecurity is your responsibility.

 

Kudos to you for not putting up with this behavior this time! That wasn't easy.

 

It's much easier said than done, to walk away from someone you really care about. Even if you know it's not necessarily the healthiest situation.

I feel like you don't share the sentiment of many posters in this thread, myself included, who feel that his behavior isn't just irrational but potentially very dangerous.

 

Perhaps if you think that's absurd, you can make a commitment to leave him the very first time that he hits you. If that seems like something you'd never put up with, it will be even easier to make that commitment here.

 

Of course we understand why leaving someone is difficult, even if it doesn't show in some posts. I felt like sending a severe warning was more important than compassion, but I hope that didn't alienate you. Other people in this forum are better at digital hugs than I am, but even I have my moments.

 

Good luck with this difficult issue; I hope he responds well to your attempts to be assertive.

[TaraMaiden]

This guy doesn't strike me as a 'hitter' (forgive the pun) but it's always possible, sure, so it's best to not discount that altogether...

 

But verbal and emotional bullying is more subtle, more insidious.... like the comment that if she had gone somewhere with someone he approved of, that wouldn't have been a problem...

his approval of what she does is still to the fore....

 

H0peless, giving reason, excuse or justification, of a past situation that might affect his current behaviour - doesn't cut it.

His issues are his issues, and he has a choice whether to own them, or project them.

And he's projecting.

Whatever went on in his past - is not 'now'. so to load you with his fears and insecurities, and to in effect say, "look, this is why i have this problem now, so you can share the carrying2 is just completely nuts...

 

don't ever find yourself in a poition of having to explain his behaviour to others.

If you have to do that - he's got under your skin, and is playing on the sympathy card...

don't get stuck with the Joker.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I don't know what to think about this; We have been together for a year, and he made it clear when we got together that he did NOT like the fact that I had a facebook. He's NEVER had one, and never plans to. I am 25 (F) and he is 30 (M). I think the whole social media thing is silly also, however, years ago when facebook first came out, my volleyball teammates basically MADE one for me, and I eventually fell into it. I've had it ever since. I'm not very active on it, as far as making status updates or commenting on people's stuff... But I like to have it to keep in touch with old high school friends or volleyball teammates, etc and just to browse when I am bored!

 

Now, I feel me having a FB is harmless- I have given him my Password before, and I know all I have it for, really, is to keep in touch with old pals. I'm not doing anything shady on it at all, and he knows this. He is just a jealous guy...

 

Because his view, however, is that it bothers him that I am "friends" with hundreds of people (most of which he does not know- high school friends and such.. which is true, I haven't spoken to most of my "facebook friends" in years) and that I have "hundreds of pictures" on there to which "any of those guys can jerk off to" .....!!?? Ok... maybe because I am a girl I do not think of that? I understand his concern I guess.... Honestly, it would suck if the roles were reversed.. So......

 

I suggested, "what if I delete all the random high school friends/guys and leave the 50ish people I'd liked to keep in touch with? (a.k.a. volleyball girls and close high school girlfriends")

 

........And his reply was the same. He said they could e-mail me if they wanted to get together (true)...

 

I love this man and I'm just wondering if him asking me to delete facebook is extremely controlling, or am I being a rude b*tch in sort of ignoring his feelings, seeing as he has never even had a facebook? Insight needed, PLEASE AND THANKS!

 

 

If your guy had any clue, he would have walked away from you long ago. There is indeed a "red flag" waving here, but it is about you, and it has been waving in front of his eyes since the beginning.

 

I'm all for recognizing truly "controlling" behavior as such, but if you're somebody who is on Facebook while in the throes of a relationship, then you ARE the problem. That goes 5000X over when only one partner has Facebook.

 

The only reason you're here and bringing this discussion to the table is that your guy wasn't true enough to his convictions and to common sense to (avoid compromising himself all for the sake of p*ssy).

[SincereOnlineGuy]

so if you eat one more cake than you should - it's the cake's fault?

 

so if you end up buying a pair of shoes for $200, instead of the ones you should have bought for $100, it's the shoes' fault?

 

so if you give in to your child's pestering and buy that particular toy he wants you to buy him - it's his fault?

 

FaceBook does nothing on its own.

like a pen, it cannot write a thing - unless someone picks it up and writes something with it.

 

 

 

ROFL !!!!

 

.

.

.

If a bunch of morons borrow more money from banks than they can afford to pay back, and then spend more money than they can afford to spend, is it the banks' fault ?????

 

How do you think all of those signatures got onto those loan agreements??

 

 

The better question is why then do the same morons then go and protest outside of the banks?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

FACEBOOK - does - nothing.

 

 

Internet porn does nothing as well

[Ariadne]

This facebook thing seems silly??? Is he seriously THAT controlling, or am I being insensitive???

 

My take is that if he doesn't like you to have a FB account then you should delete it immediately.

 

Do not even argue with him. Just do what he wants and trust that the friends will let you know if they want to meet.

 

(You can even get their numbers and emails before you close the account).

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I haven't read all the replies, but you need to be firm about your own boundaries.

 

 

 

My point exactly !!!

 

The "red flag" flying here has always been about the OP herself.

 

 

The dumb guy wanted (the sex) so he compromised his boundaries/standards.

 

(I believe somewhere herein she already established that he is god-like, and could have just about any woman... LOL)

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My take is that if he doesn't like you to have a FB account then you should delete it immediately.

 

Do not even argue with him. Just do what he wants and trust that the friends will let you know if they want to meet.

 

(You can even get their numbers and emails before you close the account).

 

 

That's great advice, except the problem with this particular OP is that she has additional motives the likes of which she hasn't shared with us...

 

(which should have been more obvious to the boyfriend all along)

[g450]

that person would first of all have to give me a reason to mistrust them... i'd have to see more action, before i took umbrage at a whole list of names....

 

 

No, you didn't lose your wife to FB.

you lost her through her indiscretion, lying, deceit, covering up and just trying to hide the obvious from you.

It's her behaviour that lost you your wife.

Not FB.

 

 

Oh, you mean you're not mistrusting FB to lose her for you?

do you see what you're saying here?

In the first instance, you "lost your wife to FB" but now your current GF is also on FB with a 'bunch of guys' on her profile - you're trusting her?

 

Get the point?

 

I already knew this, just didnt word it correctly. You are stating the obviouse. YES FB is just a tool. Just like match.com or adultfriendfinder.com are just tools.

 

The only difference is that the later two tools have an obviouse use that would be more than a red flag for a relationship.

 

Although FB is touted as being just a social networking sight, people tend to forget that it can and is being used as an ODS. And it has a reputation of being a "tool" used by cheaters who like to use it's more inocent purposes as camoflage for their real intentions online.

 

And it makes it way too easy to find old lost lovers from years back. But you are right. It's kind of like owning a gun. It's just a tool. It what we do with it that determins whether it's a defensive weapon or a murder weapon. It's all about intentions.

 

With that said, yes I do trust my Fiancee. Our relationship is supposed to be based on trust. But that doesnt mean that I will have my head in the sand with blind trust like with my first marriage.

 

Thing is, its not hard to tell when somebody loves you or not. The woman does love me. The difference hers is that my XW lost her love for me years ago. I was just too blind to see it. And she could have found her old BF years ago as well IDK. Anything is possible.

[g450]

I think password sharing can be done on FB if a couple desires that. But please, keep separate accounts in that case. Couple JOINT accounts on Facebook creep me the hell out. Not all of your friends are going to be mutual, online or real life.

 

FB doesn't destroy relationships, people destroy relationships. Facebook doesn't will a guy or a girl to add RANDOM opposite sex people and flirt online. If they do online, they usually do it in real life too. That's their own choice and if you don't like it, then instead of blaming FB, it is much better to find someone who won't flirt or do sketchy crap, online or off.

 

I mean, which would you rather have? Having accountability and openness with a partner that you trust and being able to enjoy social networking together....or monitoring your wifey and "forbidding" FB because, frankly, you don't trust her on it. Might as well take away her cell phone too.

 

Not to go off topic but you mentioned "couple joint accounts". Is that even possible? Just curious.

 

But I agree with you to an extent. If somebody is going to cheat they will find a way to do it. At least the more ways of communication they use the easier it will be to find out about their cheating.

 

Like that old saying: "give them just enough rope"

[g450]

No. I mean why bother having the illusion of boundaries if they don't exist.

 

It's like this: you don't know if your wife is secretly having a lover climb in through the bathroom window and have sex with her every time she supposedly "goes to the bathroom." So really, you ought to take the bathroom door off the hinges. If she has nothing to hide, it won't bother her.

 

That's actually funny because I have to TELL my Fiancee to shut the damn door when she goes to the bathroom. Ironically it is kind of reasuring.

 

I remember when we broke up she would hide in there and text her XH. Once I saw the door closed I knew something was up. So ironically that's how I found out she was still seeing him and I told her to pack her crap.

[KathyM]

I already knew this, just didnt word it correctly. You are stating the obviouse. YES FB is just a tool. Just like match.com or adultfriendfinder.com are just tools.

 

The only difference is that the later two tools have an obviouse use that would be more than a red flag for a relationship.

 

Although FB is touted as being just a social networking sight, people tend to forget that it can and is being used as an ODS. And it has a reputation of being a "tool" used by cheaters who like to use it's more inocent purposes as camoflage for their real intentions online.

 

And it makes it way too easy to find old lost lovers from years back. But you are right. It's kind of like owning a gun. It's just a tool. It what we do with it that determins whether it's a defensive weapon or a murder weapon. It's all about intentions.

 

With that said, yes I do trust my Fiancee. Our relationship is supposed to be based on trust. But that doesnt mean that I will have my head in the sand with blind trust like with my first marriage.

 

Thing is, its not hard to tell when somebody loves you or not. The woman does love me. The difference hers is that my XW lost her love for me years ago. I was just too blind to see it. And she could have found her old BF years ago as well IDK. Anything is possible.

Yes, it is just a tool. But it is what people do with it that is the damaging part. For single people, it can be a great way to keep in touch. But for married people or those with serious relationships, it can allow feelings to develop for a person that started out as something benign. Many times it has happened that people get in touch with someone they used to know, and they develop feelings for that person that jeopardizes the person's relationship. Whether it's with clients, business associates, work collegues, or old friends or people you grew up with, when you are dealing with private, personal conversations, that can lead to something that is destructive to a person's relationship. If the guy/woman is going through a rough patch with his/her SO, those personal conversations can be the catalyst for romantic/serious feelings to develop. Even though you may trust your SO, it's the outsiders that now have personal access to your spouse that are the problem. Is your spouse supposed to refuse a friend request from a client? A coworker? A business contact? I'd rather not be allowing these people into our home via Facebook to have personal conversations with my husband. Fortunately, my husband is in total agreement with me on this, and we value our privacy and respect our boundaries.

[missyme04]

Get out of this relationship, and get out NOW.

He is controlling and sounds deeply troubled.

He will go on to dictate who you can and can't see, what clothes you can and can't wear, what you can and can't do with your mobile phone and whether you can see your family and when.

 

and if you wait for all the above to happen - and THEN dump him - he WILL stalk you.

run, as fast as you can, and don't look back.

 

you'll thank me, i promise you.

 

I AGREEEEEEEE ) you'll get stuck into an unhealthy relationship with him. What's wrong with Facebook anyway? I guess almost everyone has facebook accounts. hehehe.

[denise_xo]

And he still freaked- started giving me an ultimatum "It's facebook or me" wtf? To which I continued to call him out on his insecurities, explain to him why he was being unreasonable, etc. and that I have been through this type of behavior before with an ex boyfriend a very long time ago... I did not put up with it then, nor will I now. I told him I refuse to be a doormat girlfriend and if that is what he would like, he can leave. I also did mention something to him about "Ok first it's facebook, then what? My cell phone?"

 

That's excellent, and the best way to approach it. If he ever tries anything like that on again, though, just let him go.

 

I'm all for recognizing truly "controlling" behavior as such, but if you're somebody who is on Facebook while in the throes of a relationship, then you ARE the problem. That goes 5000X over when only one partner has Facebook.

 

There are tons of happily married coupled with fb accounts. Don't try to frame is as if the only ones who use fb are single, that's just utter bullocks. The vast majority of my fb connections are married.

 

Internet porn does nothing as well

 

I't not clear to me why you're comparing porn to a social networking site. They are two very different phenomena. However, in the case of porn, it is also fully up to the people involved HOW it affects a relationship (or not). A lot of couples use porn in a way that enhances their sex lives. Some people use porn in a way which takes sexual attention away from their partners. Again, it depends on how people relate to it.

 

The dumb guy wanted (the sex) so he compromised his boundaries/standards.

 

If he wants to be in a relationship where social networking sites are completely excluded, that's fine. But to suggest that everyone should just accept that at his command is totally ridiculous.

 

That's great advice, except the problem with this particular OP is that she has additional motives the likes of which she hasn't shared with us...

 

Yes, I guess you have access to the OP's brain. Good one Well, if she had such ulterior motives, I HIGHLY DOUBT that she would have given her password to her partner (did you even read that bit?).

 

YES FB is just a tool. Just like match.com or adultfriendfinder.com are just tools.

 

The only difference is that the later two tools have an obviouse use that would be more than a red flag for a relationship.

 

Although FB is touted as being just a social networking sight, people tend to forget that it can and is being used as an ODS. And it has a reputation of being a "tool" used by cheaters who like to use it's more inocent purposes as camoflage for their real intentions online.

 

Before the advent of the internet, I would estimate that about 98% of affairs involved the use of telephones. Do you suggest all married people get rid of their phones, too?

 

Yes, it is just a tool. But it is what people do with it that is the damaging part. For single people, it can be a great way to keep in touch. But for married people or those with serious relationships, it can allow feelings to develop for a person that started out as something benign. Many times it has happened that people get in touch with someone they used to know, and they develop feelings for that person that jeopardizes the person's relationship. Whether it's with clients, business associates, work collegues, or old friends or people you grew up with, when you are dealing with private, personal conversations, that can lead to something that is destructive to a person's relationship. If the guy/woman is going through a rough patch with his/her SO, those personal conversations can be the catalyst for romantic/serious feelings to develop. Even though you may trust your SO, it's the outsiders that now have personal access to your spouse that are the problem. Is your spouse supposed to refuse a friend request from a client? A coworker? A business contact? I'd rather not be allowing these people into our home via Facebook to have personal conversations with my husband. Fortunately, my husband is in total agreement with me on this, and we value our privacy and respect our boundaries.

 

On the first bolded: in what you describe, there is a large number of choices. Firstly, the person CHOSE to contact an 'old flame'. Facebook didn't accidentally send that friend request on behalf of the user. Secondly, there is a CHOICE in accepting a friend request. Thirdly, there is a CHOICE in maintaining communication with someone. Facebook does not mysteriously just dispense of a person's brain and do all these things for us.

 

Yes, you CAN refuse friend requests. But if it is from a client, I don't really see the difference in the context of this thread. If you already have someone's email address and phone number and regular contact through business relations, it is hardly fb that will make the difference as to whether you develop an indecent relationship to that person or not.

 

I just hate how FaceBook can rule over a relationship.

 

FB doesn't rule over relationships. We CHOOSE how to relate to FB.

 

My take is that if he doesn't like you to have a FB account then you should delete it immediately.

 

I know you subscribe to a view of marriage where women should just do what the man says, but it hardly seems that this is how the OP has chosen to live her life.

 

More generally, the idea that we should follow any sentiment or desire expressed by our partners is nonsense. People come up with all kinds of ridiculous or unrealistic ideas all the time. The idea that we should just accept them point blank because the come out of the mouth of a spouse just doesn't hold up to critical scrutiny.

 

If your spouse comes home tomorrow and asks you to never use a mobile phone again, do you accept that based on a 'respect for his/her feelings'? Well, eeeh, hell no.

Edited March 18, 2012 by denise_xo
typo

[denise_xo]

This thread is really a testament to how people's social interaction skills evolve more slowly than today's technology. WE are the ones who need to develop new skills to relate to new technology. All the 'fb ruined my relationship' threads on here indicate that we're really behind in that area.

[flyaway]

Not to go off topic but you mentioned "couple joint accounts". Is that even possible? Just curious.

 

But I agree with you to an extent. If somebody is going to cheat they will find a way to do it. At least the more ways of communication they use the easier it will be to find out about their cheating.

 

Like that old saying: "give them just enough rope"

 

Yeah, it is possible. You don't set them up any differently than "regular" accounts...just make the name as a hybrid of your two names and change the picture. If you have two people as a couple "Mary" and "John"...perhaps you'd make your FB name to be "MaryJohn", have a profile picture as a couple, and then share the password so you both have access.

 

Personally, it kind of drives me crazy because when "they" comment, I have no idea which part of the couple it is. I was friends with this one girl (but not the guy, I am a female btw) but she made a "joint" account with her boyfriend and I ended up deleting her. I have no idea who that guy is and my comments were for HER, not for him.

 

I haven't given my boyfriend my password yet but he hasn't asked. I wouldn't have an issue with it. We borrow each other's laptop and basically have access to each other's FB so it's a moot point. He is not a flirty person and we have appropriate boundaries in our relationship that we've actually discussed so I am not worried.

 

It's important to strike a healthy balance between "I trust my SO completely and will let them do anything because I just trust them." and "I need to restrict their modes of communication/monitor everything or else something may HAPPEN!"