Girlfriend "won't" find a job

[damonca]

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years (April will be 2 years). She graduated college about a month after we met and since then hasn't really done much with her life. A few months ago I really got on her about searching for jobs, and she filled out a few applications but didn't seem to make a "real" attempt at it.

 

She currently makes some money for taking care of her grandma, but its nowhere near enough to pay all of her bills, let alone provide a future. This "job" isn't even giving her much experience, as basically she would fix up a few meals for her grandma and maybe do her laundry. She hasn't even really done this lately as she has been staying with her cousin that lives about 45 minutes away for a large part of this time.

 

The rest of the time she is "running errands" as she explains it to me. Exactly what this entails, I don't really know. I know that she will go to several stores to return things, buy things, or do whatever. This past week a whole day was wasted going with her cousin to look for things for the new house her family moved into. Basically just complete time wasting.

 

She does take care of some things such as paying bills and for her family, but she isn't setting any sort of future for herself, which is something that I think is VERY important in a relationship. I think most people want their partners to be at least somewhat successful or have a future in which they can contribute financially to the relationship. I have tried to explain to her that although I am not supporting her right now, I desire her to have a work ethic that will give me the secure feeling that she will be a dependable girlfriend and possibly a wife down the road. She doesn't seem to get this and argues back with me that im not supporting her now, so why should I care, etc.

 

She is 26 years old and has worked ONE seasonal job in her life which lasted a few months. She still lives at home and depends in a large way on support from her mom.

 

I am by no means very successful though but I believe I have and am still setting up a good future for myself. I am 25, in the Marine Corps Reserves, I have worked since the day I was legally able to, I have a good job that pays decently well and with hard work can lead to a successful career, I am very close to finishing my degree (delayed by military service), and I continue to do personal study to gain certifications for career advancement. I live with a few friends and completely rely on myself for support, no parental help.

 

I feel like I have waited for 2 years for something to change with her and I have seen myself grow tremendously in those 2 years while she hasn't changed a bit. I don't want to be an ******* because I know that she does help out with family stuff, but I don't see her doing enough that it justifies her sacrificing her own future. Most people pay their bills, run errands, take care of family matters after work and on the weekends. For her this is a 24/7 job when it in reality takes no where near that amount of time and I know for a fact it doesn't because of how she describes her days to me.

 

I try to have calm discussions about this with her but they always seem to end in a fight. I thought that possibly she is depressed or scared, she hasn't worked in so long (basically has never worked) and it scares the crap out of her to have to go out and look for a job. I have talked about this with her and it still gets nothing accomplished. I have left her my laptop to give her a tool to look for jobs, given her what advice I can give, even a few times browsed job sites for things that may work for her.

 

I feel that I am right to be upset and nervous about a future with her but wanted to get everybody's input.

 

Thanks.

[GorillaTheater]

I guess Olga's right, if you're inclined to be a surrogate parent if you marry her. If you're looking for a responsible partner who pulls their own weight, you're probably better off looking elsewhere.

[setsenia]

Well, look at this this way, at least she has a college degree. She obviously is a smart woman, maybe she has a lot going on in her life such as family obligations that prevent her from being serious about a job. Why get a college degree if you don't plan to work? Also, you cannot change anyone but yourself and you cannot force her to get a job. My parents were this way. My mom didn't want to work. She wanted to be a housewife while my dad was career driven and wanted a dual income household. If it keeps up and you feel life is taking you in different directions, you might consider moving on. There are many men out there that are still willing to support a woman if she chooses to be a housewife just like there are career driven women who want a dual income household. My brother is in your situation. He's almost 27 and his fiance is almost 25. He keeps telling her to go back to school, because she jumps from minimum wage job to minimum wage job. She's made it clear she hates school and wants nothing more than to pop out kids and have the white picket fence. And her parents are fully supportive of that and think my brother should support her. He however, feels the same way you do and I told him he needs to see that she will not change. She may say she'll go back to school, but it's not going to happen. She's been saying that for over 2 years now.

Edited February 29, 2012 by setsenia

[GorillaTheater]

Just to be clear, my wife is a stay-at-home-mom, but she works her ass off and has abundant drive and ambition. I don't see that in your gf, as you describe her.

[darkmoon]

Well, look at this this way, at least she has a college degree. She obviously is a smart woman, maybe she has a lot going on in her life such as family obligations that prevent her from being serious about a job. Why get a college degree if you don't plan to work? Also, you cannot change anyone but yourself and you cannot force her to get a job. My parents were this way. My mom didn't want to work. She wanted to be a housewife while my dad was career driven and wanted a dual income household. If it keeps up and you feel life is taking you in different directions, you might consider moving on. There are many men out there that are still willing to support a woman if she chooses to be a housewife just like there are career driven women who want a dual income household. My brother is in your situation. He's almost 27 and his fiance is almost 25. He keeps telling her to go back to school, because she jumps from minimum wage job to minimum wage job. She's made it clear she hates school and wants nothing more than to pop out kids and have the white picket fence. And her parents are fully supportive of that and think my brother should support her. He however, feels the same way you do and I told him he needs to see that she will not change. She may say she'll go back to school, but it's not going to happen. She's been saying that for over 2 years now.

 

once there are children, a woman is supposed to be a sex-goddess, cleaning lady, nanny, cook, playleader, and launderess = lots of jobs

 

kids need a heck of alot of supervision

[InJest]

A college degree does not mean she's a smart woman.

 

There are plenty of people with college degrees that are admin assistants the rest of their lives. Nothing wrong with that, but not something that requires a degree.

[Oxy Moronovich]

Your girl sounds lazy and unambitious. If she's not already fat, she soon will be. You better find a new chick.

[FitChick]

Many people go to college and get degree after degree or keep changing their majors because they only know how to be students and are afraid of the real world. What is her degree in?

[ShannonMI]

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years (April will be 2 years). She graduated college about a month after we met and since then hasn't really done much with her life. A few months ago I really got on her about searching for jobs, and she filled out a few applications but didn't seem to make a "real" attempt at it.

 

She currently makes some money for taking care of her grandma, but its nowhere near enough to pay all of her bills, let alone provide a future. This "job" isn't even giving her much experience, as basically she would fix up a few meals for her grandma and maybe do her laundry. She hasn't even really done this lately as she has been staying with her cousin that lives about 45 minutes away for a large part of this time.

 

The rest of the time she is "running errands" as she explains it to me. Exactly what this entails, I don't really know. I know that she will go to several stores to return things, buy things, or do whatever. This past week a whole day was wasted going with her cousin to look for things for the new house her family moved into. Basically just complete time wasting.

 

She does take care of some things such as paying bills and for her family, but she isn't setting any sort of future for herself, which is something that I think is VERY important in a relationship. I think most people want their partners to be at least somewhat successful or have a future in which they can contribute financially to the relationship. I have tried to explain to her that although I am not supporting her right now, I desire her to have a work ethic that will give me the secure feeling that she will be a dependable girlfriend and possibly a wife down the road. She doesn't seem to get this and argues back with me that im not supporting her now, so why should I care, etc.

 

She is 26 years old and has worked ONE seasonal job in her life which lasted a few months. She still lives at home and depends in a large way on support from her mom.

 

I am by no means very successful though but I believe I have and am still setting up a good future for myself. I am 25, in the Marine Corps Reserves, I have worked since the day I was legally able to, I have a good job that pays decently well and with hard work can lead to a successful career, I am very close to finishing my degree (delayed by military service), and I continue to do personal study to gain certifications for career advancement. I live with a few friends and completely rely on myself for support, no parental help.

 

I feel like I have waited for 2 years for something to change with her and I have seen myself grow tremendously in those 2 years while she hasn't changed a bit. I don't want to be an ******* because I know that she does help out with family stuff, but I don't see her doing enough that it justifies her sacrificing her own future. Most people pay their bills, run errands, take care of family matters after work and on the weekends. For her this is a 24/7 job when it in reality takes no where near that amount of time and I know for a fact it doesn't because of how she describes her days to me.

 

I try to have calm discussions about this with her but they always seem to end in a fight. I thought that possibly she is depressed or scared, she hasn't worked in so long (basically has never worked) and it scares the crap out of her to have to go out and look for a job. I have talked about this with her and it still gets nothing accomplished. I have left her my laptop to give her a tool to look for jobs, given her what advice I can give, even a few times browsed job sites for things that may work for her.

 

I feel that I am right to be upset and nervous about a future with her but wanted to get everybody's input.

 

Thanks.

This girl is taking care of her grandmother. She values her family. Isn't that a good thing? Sometimes family takes precedence in people's lives. Family comes first and everything else follows. She does have a college degree, so when she is ready to go out and find a job, hopefully it will be easy for her. You really have to respect this girl's devotion to her family. That means that if you decide to keep her around and possibly have a family of your own together, she'll be as devoted as ever. She'll make a good wife and mother to your children. Look at it like that.

[kaylan]

a good man should take care of his wifey.. cmoon if she doesnt want to work then she can sit at home and take care of the babies so wat ? u can not do that, can you? are u unable to take care of your woman ?if she doesnt want to work and if you make pressure on her to find a job, believe me there are bunch of good men outside who would let her sit at home and take care of the babies. :o:o:o

Bull...In America men and women work.

 

Its not the norm nowadays to be a stay at home parents. And most guys arent looking for a woman who simply wants a guy to take care of her while she does nothing.

 

If a dude is ok with his wife being the homemaker, thats fine...but the OP doesnt have kids yet...so this women needs to get off her lazy butt and work.

This girl is taking care of her grandmother. She values her family. Isn't that a good thing? Sometimes family takes precedence in people's lives. Family comes first and everything else follows. She does have a college degree, so when she is ready to go out and find a job, hopefully it will be easy for her. You really have to respect this girl's devotion to her family. That means that if you decide to keep her around and possibly have a family of your own together, she'll be as devoted as ever. She'll make a good wife and mother to your children. Look at it like that.

If you read the OP...she barely takes care of her grandma and has been staying at her cousins.

 

His gf sounds like a lazy mooch imo.

Edited March 1, 2012 by kaylan

[monkey00]

Many people go to college and get degree after degree or keep changing their majors because they only know how to be students and are afraid of the real world. What is her degree in?

 

I'll have to agree with this. I know too much women in NYC who are going for grad degrees mainly because they can't find a real job, or are afraid of the real world. And would rather prolong their leap into adulthood by staying a professional student. I also know of others who finish their bachelors and jump into another bachelors for a different degree.

 

Anyway I'm siding with the OP about his girl. I'm all for tough love and she sounds very passive/ lazy / unambitious about her collective future with you. Being a stay at home mon is one thing but she doesn't even have kids! Women that have no drive really irk me. If this is her attitude about her professional future... How do you picture her being a good wife and mom I your kids one day. Can you picture it at all?

 

Maybe what might help is if you know of any job openings through people you could help hook her up. It may make the job hunt easier. Maybe if push comes to shove she might make a positive step in her life in this area... When she's faced with financial hardships she will sooner get off her butt... Or if not then she'll marry a rich man.

[ShannonMI]

Bull...In America men and women work.

 

Its not the norm nowadays to be a stay at home parents. And most guys arent looking for a woman who simply wants a guy to take care of her while she does nothing.

 

If a dude is ok with his wife being the homemaker, thats fine...but the OP doesnt have kids yet...so this women needs to get off her lazy butt and work.

 

If you read the OP...she barely takes care of her grandma and has been staying at her cousins.

 

His gf sounds like a lazy mooch imo.

Well the chick has a college degree. She can't be too lazy. And he's not supporting her, so whatever. If he was and he didn't have any children with her, then he could bitch. If he doesn't like how things are going he should dump her. Simple as that.

[kaylan]

Well the chick has a college degree. She can't be too lazy. And he's not supporting her, so whatever. If he was and he didn't have any children with her, then he could bitch. If he doesn't like how things are going he should dump her. Simple as that.

Ive seen the laziest kids make it through college with a C average and a liberal arts degree. So a degree doesnt automatically mean someone is the hardest worker.

 

Also, he doesnt support her, but her family sure does. I mean, one seasonal job her whole life...at age 26? Really? In todays America...in this economy...Im shocked that someone could be that lazy. Why did she even go to school? She sounds spoiled and obviously is looking for a man who will spoil her. OP isnt that guy.

 

I agree if he doesnt like it he should dump her.

 

OP...you gotta make some decisions. She isnt gonna change bro. Shes set in her ways and is expecting a guy to take care of her and let her stay home with the young pups. Itd be one thing if she had shown herself to be a hard working woman...but she appears to be quite lazy...so I have no doubt that shed be pretty lazy as a stay at home mom or a professional woman.

 

If a stay at home spouse that you take care of is not what you want, then bail. Find a hard working career gal since that seems to be your type. Theres plenty out there.

 

Last thing you wanna do is drag this relationship out only to find yourself with kids you love, but a wife you resent.

Edited March 1, 2012 by kaylan

[fortyninethousand322]

Stay with her. You like her and she seems to like you. That's all that matters.

[monkey00]

Stay with her. You like her and she seems to like you. That's all that matters.

 

For the present that's ok. For the future prob not since the OP is already contemplating her future and how it could impact him. If someone doesn't want change and if you are unhappy with how things are... There's little you can do but walk away. Maybe an ultimatum for her is she changes or you walk away, but why would you want to play that kind of game anyway?

[veggirl]

I cant believe you're all defending this lazy ass girl!!! Really??? No work ethic or ambition, she sounds like a loser. If op was female posting about a man being unemployed for 2 yrs......cmon......

[kaylan]

To be fair, some of us are not defending her.

Edited March 1, 2012 by kaylan

[Els]

Sounds incredibly one-sided. We don't even know what 'taking care of her grandma' entails. For all we know, OP could be right and she just brings home takeaway for grandma a couple times a day and does her laundry. But also, for all we know, the grandma could be completely incapable of taking care of herself and the girl is actually doing the job of personal caretaker, like taking care of a baby (bring her to potty each time, etc).

 

What is going to happen to grandma if the girl decides to pursue a full-time professional career? Would you help her out? Paying for a personal caretaker is incredibly expensive and more than some fresh grads can afford.

[zengirl]

Sounds incredibly one-sided. We don't even know what 'taking care of her grandma' entails. For all we know, OP could be right and she just brings home takeaway for grandma a couple times a day and does her laundry. But also, for all we know, the grandma could be completely incapable of taking care of herself and the girl is actually doing the job of personal caretaker, like taking care of a baby (bring her to potty each time, etc).

 

What is going to happen to grandma if the girl decides to pursue a full-time professional career? Would you help her out? Paying for a personal caretaker is incredibly expensive and more than some fresh grads can afford.

 

This is a good point, though if the girl is really not doing much, then I agree with the other posts. It's hard to say.

[kaylan]

Sounds incredibly one-sided. We don't even know what 'taking care of her grandma' entails. For all we know, OP could be right and she just brings home takeaway for grandma a couple times a day and does her laundry. But also, for all we know, the grandma could be completely incapable of taking care of herself and the girl is actually doing the job of personal caretaker, like taking care of a baby (bring her to potty each time, etc).

 

What is going to happen to grandma if the girl decides to pursue a full-time professional career? Would you help her out? Paying for a personal caretaker is incredibly expensive and more than some fresh grads can afford.

Thats just hearsay however. We can only judge the situation based on the information given to us. We cannot make speculations about this...especially when the OP has not given us any reason to believe that theres a good reason his gf avoids working.

 

Im with veggirl on this. If the genders were reversed in this situation we would not even see a post like yours doubting the OPs telling of his girlfriends activities with her grandmother. Everyone would be rallying against the dude being a deadbeat in that situation. I find it pathetic that some people barely bat an eyelash at some of the worlds lazy and mooching women.

 

Its 2012...wheres the equality in some peoples perspectives of situations? Screw gender. I think its lazy as all get out for someone to be 26 and to have never truly worked in their lives, yet expecting their family and eventually their partner to take care of them.

[carhill]

OP, a couple questions:

 

What are you looking for in a relationship? Where do you see yourself in that regard a year from now? Two years from now?

 

Is this lady's grandmother terminally ill?

 

How well do you know the lady's family? Have you visited your GF while she was caregiving?

[Ariadne]

most people want their partners to be at least somewhat successful or have a future in which they can contribute financially to the relationship...discussions always seem to end in a fight (basically [she] has never worked)

 

Why would she work if she doesn't want to and doesn't have to?

 

Just because you want her to contribute financially to you one day?

 

Maybe you should break up with her and find yourself a hard working girl the way you want and no more problem.

[Nightsky]

I could really respect a girl who is taking care of her sick grandma. I don't need her to be working no 9-5... or 9-6 plus some as it often is in this country.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I agree with all the posters saying that caring for a family member is a respectable thing...HOWEVER according to the OP it sounds like the time she spends doing this amounts to less than even a part-time job. If she is spending whole days buying and returning things to/from stores, or her "errands" as she calls them, there's a problem (not to mention...how is she even buying stuff when she has no job??).

 

I also agree that it's unlikely that you'll change her...it appears that it's just the way she is. It's one thing to be in a slump, but it's been two years, and she's showing no signs of ambition or drive. If this conflicts with your long-term life plan (and it would with mine if I were in your shoes), best to move on and find someone more compatible.

[kaylan]

Why would she work if she doesn't want to and doesn't have to?

 

Just because you want her to contribute financially to you one day?

 

Maybe you should break up with her and find yourself a hard working girl the way you want and no more problem.

Im wondering if youd say the same thing about a man who didnt want to work.