Can I improve my personality?

[xxoo]

One time at a party, A comes up to me and says "ptp, B is pretty drunk would you mind walking her home when you leave?". So I walk B home and we make small talk along the way. We get to her apt, and I am thinking to myself, if B liked me even a little she would give me a hug or invite me in etc... Well B says "thank-you" and promptly shuts the door in my face. So naturally I think B is not interested in me at all.

 

When she is drunk is not the most ethical time to make a first move....

 

But if you want to generate sexual energy, you need to flirt with her. Tease her playfully. Test the water by telling her how hot she looks tonight. Say it like like you own it, not apologetically.

 

It sounds like you didn't make a move with B until she made one first. You might generate some sexual energy if YOU make the first move. Many women respond with heat to an assertive approach (if they are already attracted to you, which she was).

[ptp]

When she is drunk is not the most ethical time to make a first move....

 

But if you want to generate sexual energy, you need to flirt with her. Tease her playfully. Test the water by telling her how hot she looks tonight. Say it like like you own it, not apologetically.

 

It sounds like you didn't make a move with B until she made one first. You might generate some sexual energy if YOU make the first move. Many women respond with heat to an assertive approach (if they are already attracted to you, which she was).

 

Thanks, but I only mentioned that story to illustrate that I am not inept when it comes to women. I am just not very aggressive and take my time.

 

TBH, that really wasn't the point of the thread.

 

I want to appeal to more women. I can't really change how I look so that is why I want to work on my personality.

 

I want a personality that appeals to more women, so I can connect or click or "have chemistry" or whatever you want to call it.

[juliebijoux]

Ptp, I don't know if this helps but there's a ton of improv in Chicago. You could try taking an improv class to help get you more comfortable with social interaction and spontaneity.

[Emilia]

 

I want to appeal to more women. I can't really change how I look so that is why I want to work on my personality.

 

I want a personality that appeals to more women, so I can connect or click or "have chemistry" or whatever you want to call it.

 

I met someone recently who somehow might fit what you are describing yourself as.

 

He is very good looking. Tall, in his late 20s, very good surfer body, lovely face. 8 out of 10 in most girls' books, maybe more.

 

I know he is attracted to me but he seems to lack the sort of aggression that makes me feel wanted. I think that makes some girls want him more because they want to win him over but in my case it makes me feel he is not sexy enough because assertive and aggressive are sexy. Many women enjoy feeling wanted, not just being fancied with a wide-eyed look.

 

So while he is gorgeous, I am more attracted to a guy who is only my height and not nearly as fit as the first guy just because he has the simmering look in his eye that speaks of sex.

 

Is any of this making sense?

[xxoo]

Thanks, but I only mentioned that story to illustrate that I am not inept when it comes to women. I am just not very aggressive and take my time.

 

TBH, that really wasn't the point of the thread.

 

That may be exactly the point of the thread.

 

If you are more assertive in the sexual context, you may generate more interest from women.

 

I am more attracted to a guy who is only my height and not nearly as fit as the first guy just because he has the simmering look in his eye that speaks of sex.

 

Is any of this making sense?

 

Makes sense to me!

[ptp]

So while he is gorgeous, I am more attracted to a guy who is only my height and not nearly as fit as the first guy just because he has the simmering look in his eye that speaks of sex.

 

Is any of this making sense?

 

Some what making sense.

 

So if I understand what you are saying, if I just "be my self" but I am more aggressive, I will have a better personality?

 

When women say "I like a guy because of his personality", do they mean how agressive he is? I always assumed it meant that she liked his sense of humor or they had a lot in common, or she was impressed with his intelligence or his talent etc....

[ptp]

That may be exactly the point of the thread.

 

If you are more assertive in the sexual context, you may generate more interest from women.

 

I have my reasons for being cautious.

 

When I was younger, I used to spend summers with my cousins who are older. From them I would hear a lot of stories about how they would have trouble with unattractive guys hitting on them. Or how they would smile at a guy because they were being polite, but they "creepy guy" would misinterpret that and start hitting on them.

 

That is why I am cautious. That is why I don't approach random women.

 

In the story I told, I waited until girl B made it very clear that she was attracted to me and then I took things from there.

 

That is basically what I do, but that kind of thing happens too infrequently and so I am single for long periods. Please don't interpret that as "I don't know how to talk to women" or that I can't tease or flirt. I can, I just wait for the green light.

[xxoo]

I have my reasons for being cautious.

 

When I was younger, I used to spend summers with my cousins who are older. From them I would hear a lot of stories about how they would have trouble with unattractive guys hitting on them. Or how they would smile at a guy because they were being polite, but they "creepy guy" would misinterpret that and start hitting on them.

 

That is why I am cautious. That is why I don't approach random women.

 

But they like it (a lot) when guys they are attracted to hit on them.

 

So what if you hit on a woman who doesn't like it? Gotta take some chances. What's the worst that can happen?

 

 

In the story I told, I waited until girl B made it very clear that she was attracted to me and then I took things from there.

 

That is basically what I do, but that kind of thing happens too infrequently and so I am single for long periods. Please don't interpret that as "I don't know how to talk to women" or that I can't tease or flirt. I can, I just wait for the green light.

 

Far too cautious. And, yes, that is part of "personality". He's a go-getter. He goes for what he wants. He takes charge. All attractive characteristics in a man!

 

Women are aroused by pursuit (given that they are attracted to the guy). Take the lead and flirt. Some will respond, and others will not. DO NOT worry about those who don't respond. Focus on those who DO!

[cerridwen]

Some what making sense.

 

So if I understand what you are saying, if I just "be my self" but I am more aggressive, I will have a better personality?

 

It seems you're holding back quite a bit in these situations, PTP.

Instead, take some more risks and so yes, in that way be more aggressive. Stop throttling yourself back.

 

Consider stopping with the "cautious" as it's likely coming off as boring, reserved, and bland.

One man's "cautious", you see, is another man's zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Instead, tap into what you're really feeling and risk expressing it.

 

Show interest. Flirt. Be cheeky and flattering. Charm. Let them know a man's in the room, if you're feeling that bold.

 

When women say "I like a guy because of his personality", do they mean how aggressive he is? I always assumed it meant that she liked his sense of humor or they had a lot in common, or she was impressed with his intelligence or his talent etc....

It can mean all that.

But I'm in the Emilia camp and many other women are too.

We like vibe--preferably strong vibe.

I don't care how beautiful the man is, if he's giving off neutral energy it's as good as declaring he's neuter.

 

Instead, give me the gregarious man who's quick to laugh and even quicker with a compliment.

Or, give me the the quieter male with the smoldering innuendo.

But for God's sake, give me SOMETHING.

Right now, it sounds like you're largely sitting on your personality, P.

You have one. You're just not letting it out.

And part of that, I think, is a hesitation at tapping into your sexual side.

But, perhaps I'm wrong on that last bit.

Edited February 29, 2012 by cerridwen

[somedude81]

hanks, but I only mentioned that story to illustrate that I am not inept when it comes to women. I am just not very aggressive and take my time.

....

 

That is why I am cautious. That is why I don't approach random women.

 

In the story I told, I waited until girl B made it very clear that she was attracted to me and then I took things from there and that is saying a lot considering how cautious I am.

 

That is basically what I do, but that kind of thing happens too infrequently and so I am single for long periods. Please don't interpret that as "I don't know how to talk to women" or that I can't tease or flirt. I can, I just wait for the green light.

Honestly ptp, in that story you told, you just got lucky. I would have been able to handle things from there and that is saying a lot considering how cautious I am.

 

You're right that we do seem very familiar, but you are actually given opportunities.

 

Have you gone out of your way to pursue somebody? Gone after a girl who wasn't giving obvious 'take me' signs?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Some what making sense.

 

So if I understand what you are saying, if I just "be my self" but I am more aggressive, I will have a better personality?

 

When women say "I like a guy because of his personality", do they mean how agressive he is? I always assumed it meant that she liked his sense of humor or they had a lot in common, or she was impressed with his intelligence or his talent etc....

 

I don't think "aggressive" translate to "better personality". It never has for me. I actually always been turned off by the "cool" guys in the bar who looked real smooth and where flirty and aggressive. I kind of like those strong, (seemingly) silent types. Guys that are more laid back and aren't out to be with everything in a skirt. BUT, I am shy myself so it's nice when a man is aggressive enough that he does the approaching and the intiating. I know that's not politically correct to say anymore because I'm suppose to be going after men but that isn't me.

 

There is always something to be said for confidence over aggressiveness. And confidence over self involved arrogance.

 

Here is a secret about women PTP, based on my own experiences and what I observed. Take from it what you will. Women are not so narrow minded that they are all looking for the same type of guy. If a man displays strength in one area of his life, depending on what a woman finds attractive, that will attract her. Such as a man that's a really great cook, some women LOVE that. Or a man that works out. Or a man that is intellectually smart or has an Adam Sandler humour. There are so many different combinations of different kinds of intellgence and humour that women find attractive. I tend to like dry witty guys. My friend totally likes slap stick comedians. You don't have to be perfectly peppered with the classic things we all read off dating sights when women say they want someone, "smart, funny, intelligent..blah blah"..But I am sure you have one (more likely more then one) of these traits that make you unique to you.

 

I think you need to focus on developing who you are and who you want to be. Find something that really sparks your interest, no matter what it may be, and follow it.

 

I dated a man that LOVED comics. He was a really cool and smart guy. But he totally had this thing for comics and super heros. I found it really endearing. Some people might have found it annoying or nerdy.

 

Focus on what you like. You might find out things about yourself you never thought possible if you explore who you want to be. I've done some of that myself the past few years and it was a really positive thing for me.

 

I think women just want to see a guy show passion and strength in one area of his life and depending on who that women is herself, she will be attracted to him for it. I always say it's a good thing my friends and I all have such different kinds of taste in men because there would have been a lot more fighting in our group if we did! Happily, we all like different kinds of men. In looks and in their interests and personalities.

[Emilia]

Some what making sense.

 

So if I understand what you are saying, if I just "be my self" but I am more aggressive, I will have a better personality?

 

When women say "I like a guy because of his personality", do they mean how agressive he is? I always assumed it meant that she liked his sense of humor or they had a lot in common, or she was impressed with his intelligence or his talent etc....

 

I can't give you a general answer because every woman is different so it depends on what kind of person you would like to date. You say you like girlie girls rather than tomboys, I'm the latter so you may not find what I like that relevant (as my personality is different from girlie girls, more outgoing and assertive).

 

What more outgoing women find attractive is assertive, sexually aggressive men. Yes a good sense of humour helps because it's a display of decent social skills. I like witty men.

 

A poster once here said that women weren't attracted to men as such but to the men's desire for them. ie women enjoy observing their effect on you. What a lot of so called nice guys don't get is that you can be still a good man, a good boyfriend, a decent human being AND express your sexual side and desire. Being nice does not equal passive or quiet or introverted.

 

Introverted and quiet girls would find the above intimidating though so you need to think carefully about what kind of women you want to attract.

[zengirl]

I like Kamille's answer, but I have an alternate view as well.

 

I do not suggest anyone change their personality in order to "get" something or someone. That's absurd.

 

However, I do think that you can 'improve' your personality and that you should be doing so throughout your life. You should consistently be trying to become a better, more interesting, more happy, more _____________ (whatever you LIKE) person. I think we all have things we can improve and things we want to improve about ourselves and that when we truly look at ourselves honestly we all have faults we'd like to minimize or bad behavior we can correct or patterns we can break or blind spots we can begin to see. So, can you improve your personality? IMO, absolutely. I have, especially since I've become conscious and mindful that I can *choose* who I want to be. Excuses like, "that's just the way I am" don't fly. The question I ask is, "Is it the way I WANT to be."

 

Now Kamille's excellent post assumes that you are the way you WANT to be, and if you are, then yes, it's just a matter of meeting the right person, but I don't think many people are, especially not many unsuccessful people. I think most of us can use continual improvement, and that improving doesn't necessarily mean who we were was "bad" before.

 

As to HOW you can improve, I think the first thing that needs to happen is self-reflection. What traits are holding you back? What traits do you think you need to gain or improve? What traits make you happy? Unhappy? etc.

 

As far as behavior goes, there are also simple behavior changes that can be made that usually don't take a 'personality' change. Approaching women a different way doesn't necessarily mean changing your personality---maybe it does, and in that case, consider whether you'd LIKE to be the kind of person who takes another behavioral tact and then fill in the bridge with those traits. I've definitely done that with things in my life, and I don't feel it made me "fake." I truly changed who I was in order to be happier, and I feel I changed for the better. We're all going to grow and change---it might as well be in a happy direction, right?

[ptp]

I just wanted to thank everybody who took the time to read and respond, I really am getting a lot out of this. Actually I am still mulling over the some of the responses to ask more questions.

 

Some people have mentioned me being "too cautious" and I understand what you are saying. Another reason for me being that way is because, that is what has worked best for me. So I stick with what works.

 

My parents didn't let me date in HS, so I was a little behind everybody when I got to college. My first experience was a really bad one, where I did the whole "nice guy" routine which meant I was flying in the friend zone and crashed and burned. It was a disaster on the scale of the Hindenburg, but hey at least I asked her out.

 

My second experience was when I was aggressive with a really really attractive girl. I really liked her and I was going to ask her out, but before I could a female "friend" basically told me "she is way out of your league you have no chance".

 

After that I kind of just shut down.

 

So when this cautious approach started working for me, I just stuck with it.

 

Maybe this all just an excuse, but I am just trying to explain why I do what I do.

[Emilia]

 

 

 

So when this cautious approach started working for me, I just stuck with it.

 

Maybe this all just an excuse, but I am just trying to explain why I do what I do.

 

No it's just that we all grow as people and change. It's good to experiment socially. That's what you are trying to do basically.

[somedude81]

So when this cautious approach started working for me, I just stuck with it.

 

Maybe this all just an excuse, but I am just trying to explain why I do what I do.

When did things start working? Did you do anything differently?

[ptp]

So what if you hit on a woman who doesn't like it? Gotta take some chances. What's the worst that can happen?

 

The worst? Make her feel uncomfortable, be humiliated and take a huge blow to my ego? I am kidding, I do understand that I need to be risky .

 

I have gotten so used to either being single or using my standard approach that now I am really apprehensive about approaching random women.

[ptp]

What a lot of so called nice guys don't get is that you can be still a good man, a good boyfriend, a decent human being AND express your sexual side and desire. Being nice does not equal passive or quiet or introverted.

 

I haven't figured out how to toe that line. How to be sexual without being "creepy" so I just error on safe side.

 

I am just reminded of that Saturday Night Live skit about sexual harassment..

 

The other thing is I am horrible at reading women's signals.

I have no idea if something is a sign of interest or a sign that she is being polite.

 

Thus, I like clear displays of attraction. Not many women make clear displays of attraction.

Edited March 1, 2012 by ptp

[ptp]

When did things start working? Did you do anything differently?

 

Yea, like I said I shutdown, I stopped pursuing women. I didn't hit on any of the girls, I didn't buy them drinks etc... I just went out and had fun with my buddies.

 

I stopped stressing.

[somedude81]

Yea, like I said I shutdown, I stopped pursuing women. I didn't hit on any of the girls, I didn't buy them drinks etc... I just went out and had fun with my buddies.

 

I stopped stressing.

And then?

 

How did things get good and turn around?

[Like Monster]

I find that the nuances of personality are not that important. All that matters is that you make an effort to Like others. They will return the favor by Liking you! Likes for everyone!

[ptp]

It seems you're holding back quite a bit in these situations, PTP.

Instead, take some more risks and so yes, in that way be more aggressive. Stop throttling yourself back.

 

Consider stopping with the "cautious" as it's likely coming off as boring, reserved, and bland.

One man's "cautious", you see, is another man's zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Instead, tap into what you're really feeling and risk expressing it.

 

So recently you have called me a devil, a brat and now I am boring? Hmm....if I didn't have such high self-esteem, you might give me a complex.

 

Show interest. Flirt. Be cheeky and flattering. Charm. Let them know a man's in the room, if you're feeling that bold.

 

It can mean all that.

But I'm in the Emilia camp and many other women are too.

We like vibe--preferably strong vibe.

I don't care how beautiful the man is, if he's giving off neutral energy it's as good as declaring he's neuter.

 

Instead, give me the gregarious man who's quick to laugh and even quicker with a compliment.

Or, give me the the quieter male with the smoldering innuendo.

But for God's sake, give me SOMETHING.

Right now, it sounds like you're largely sitting on your personality, P.

You have one. You're just not letting it out.

And part of that, I think, is a hesitation at tapping into your sexual side.

But, perhaps I'm wrong on that last bit.

 

Okay, I agree with everything you and Emilia are saying, but what to do about it?

 

BTW, I am not really reserved or bland. I am personable and an extrovert. I can hold my own in most social situations. When I am in the presense of a woman I like, it isn't like I clam up or can't talk to her. I think I have missrepresented myself a little.

 

I can joke and tease...the only things I don't do are: I am not very touchy feely and I don't compliment women on their looks. So yes I do hesitate, when tapping into that side.

 

The problem the way I see it is that, my interests, rarely coincide with the interests of a 20 or 30 something attractive woman. If I start talking about the subjects that I like, I am going to bore her.

 

If I was really into literature, I could impress a girl with my knowledge of Shakespear.

If I was interested in politics, we could discus the latest Rachel Maddow show.

If I was interested in video games and anime, we could discuss those subjects.

If I was a musician, I could sing her "your body is a wornder land" and take her home that night.

 

So I have to play to my strengths...and so far it seems what works best is being "cautious". I guess that is the vibe I give off....?

 

If I can't impress a woman with my intelect or my talent, then I have to rely on my humor.

Or by just being more agressive, "going for who I want" will be unique and thus impressive?

 

What should I change? Should I take up more "female friendly" interests just for the sake of being more entertaining? I don't like art, should I learn about art history? I not a huge fan of plays or musicals, should I force myself to attend?

[xxoo]

Why do you think that being "cautious" is working? Yes, some girls have expressed interest, but you say not many, and when they do there is no "chemistry".

 

I don't understand why you think the problem is your personal interests.

 

Do you feel sexual interest in women you know? That's the interest you need to express, somehow. Be yourself, but let a woman know when you find her attractive!

 

It could be as simple as seeing her dressed up, or in some tight jeans, and saying "wow!"-- showing that you are impressed. See how she reacts. If she playfully scolds, or blushes and giggles, she didn't mind.

 

If she looks honestly annoyed, she did. Oh, well.

[ptp]

Why do you think that being "cautious" is working? Yes, some girls have expressed interest, but you say not many, and when they do there is no "chemistry".

 

I don't understand why you think the problem is your personal interests.

 

Because the expressed interest has lead to relationships, including my best/longest relationship, which last ~4 years.

 

Yes there was little "chemistry" and I have to explain what I mean by that:

Except for the 1 girl who I was with for 4 years, I never felt a very strong connection with any of the other ones. I don't think any of them felt the same for me. I don't really know why.

 

From personal experience, some guys are really able to draw out strong emotions from women. A huge part of that is physical attractiveness...but a huge part of that is personality and attitude.

 

I am just trying to figure what are these personality traits and I see a pattern of guys who are more of the "artsy" or "musician" types. That is 180 degrees from the type I am.

 

Maybe I am wrong, but that is just my perception.

[FrustratedStandards]

Yes, you can improve your personality, but you can't change it.

 

Describe yourself. That way we could get a clearer idea of what you're like and can have more to work with.