recently seperated and need

[coopster]

errr shouldn`t you be with your children? dinner, movie etc???

[dreamingoftigers]

Ok standtall, I take your pepsi challenge! lol!!! If I didnt drink last night which was one of my darkest points the rest will be easy! I am however going to AA meetings to help me out. I honestly dont feel like drinking at all...I have lost 15 pounds in two weeks and look great! I dont want to lose that! I just feel the need to get out and places like that are all I know. I need to open my mind a bit and realize that I can go to the movies, the pool hall, bowling, etc....

 

I'll see if my husband can post to you about his recovery through my account at all.

 

He went through a vicious struggle when he first became sober 7 years ago. He had trouble socializing etc. without alcohol.

 

He was sober for 5 years before he had a relapse.

 

You may not feel like drinking now, you probably realize that the consequences outweigh the action. But you WILL feel like drinking in the future and at the height of it ARE able to resist it.

 

This is when some false confidence can kick in: I resisted it when I was in the crapper, so clearly I can handle having one or two.

 

My husband figured he had been sober 5 years through thick and thin so he could handle a few with friends. Nope. Nada. Stupid.

 

Alcohol is your cyanide. You don't get to a point where you have an "immunity."

 

Personally, I get the feeling you will actually come pretty close, or even manage to pull this out of the crapper.

 

Something is shifting. But don't let others expectations of you become a motivator or demotivator for you. Read that 180 Last Resort Technique 2-3 times a day. Build yourself up. Build your kids up. Regardless of what happens with your wife, it won't be a failed investment.

[dreamingoftigers]

errr shouldn`t you be with your children? dinner, movie etc???

 

I've got 1:00 pm my time. Seems a little early for dinner and a movie.

[coopster]

my bad...thought he was uk !!

 

shut up coops ! :S

[dreamingoftigers]

LOL

 

I think he's an American. Just my impression from the writing. You Brits (?) tend to use some pretty regional words and nothing like that stick out for me.

 

HSB: as well I noticed something and forgot to mention: your moods shift around an awful lot and mere speculation can plunge you into a depression.

 

At this time, you are still freshly recovering and you should know that your sleep will most likely be disrupted over the next six months and your moods will swing around A LOT while your brain chemistry resets.

 

Your moods are not a reliable barometer for reading the situation at this point. Your "gut feelings" will be pretty far off.

 

Your behaviors will actually be the best indicator of what will happen moving forward. As for your wife, when people start to change, those around them muscle-test it, quite heavily actually. Do not change your 180 unless you are getting CONSISTENT negative results doing it. Anything beyond 3 weeks.

 

Please read Divorce Remedy.

[coopster]

no i think your right cos he missed out the U in favoUr ...

 

and i agree,

 

 

all over the place, again...STILL

 

But its understandable? Just wants to do whats best?

 

Hurts , gonna listen to anyone??? listen to dreamingoftigers, she can relate more to what you`re going through more than i can.

 

I dont think i can help anymore.

 

Good luck,

Edited March 4, 2012 by coopster

[dreamingoftigers]

Ah, that may eliminate him as Canadian too then.

 

I have a dirty little secret: there was once a poster who was very protective of her location. BUT she would type out store names etc and weather details about her area.

 

I am TOTALLY not a stalking threatening person, but I did manage to narrow down the city she lived in stateside. I didn't put in a lot of effort either. Just thought it was neat.

 

When a natural disaster hit her area, we PMed a bit and she let me know where she was. It was cool that I got it right. I NEVER would have done anything with that info though. EVER.

[dreamingoftigers]

no i think your right cos he missed out the U in favoUr ...

 

and i agree,

 

 

all over the place, again...STILL

 

But its understandable? Just wants to do whats best?

 

Hurts , gonna listen to anyone??? listen to dreamingoftigers, she can relate more to what you`re going through more than i can.

 

I dont think i can help anymore.

 

Good luck,

 

I think he was listening. Come now I work full time. There needs to be more posting action on this thread and you are pulling a marriage from the crapper.

 

You da man for this thread.

[coopster]

Ah, that may eliminate him as Canadian too then.

 

I have a dirty little secret: there was once a poster who was very protective of her location. BUT she would type out store names etc and weather details about her area.

 

I am TOTALLY not a stalking threatening person, but I did manage to narrow down the city she lived in stateside. I didn't put in a lot of effort either. Just thought it was neat.

 

When a natural disaster hit her area, we PMed a bit and she let me know where she was. It was cool that I got it right. I NEVER would have done anything with that info though. EVER.

 

mon dieu...errr ... throw another shrimp on the barbie, to be sure, och ah the new ( or whateverit is ), btw the way..i`m spanish

 

 

and its 96 inthe the shade here and snowing

[coopster]

I think he was listening. Come now I work full time. There needs to be more posting action on this thread and you are pulling a marriage from the crapper.

 

You da man for this thread.

 

naw i`m not, and i work full time too. just trying to help the guy, hope something is seeping in

[dreamingoftigers]

mon dieu...errr ... throw another shrimp on the barbie, to be sure, och ah the new ( or whateverit is ), btw the way..i`m spanish

 

 

and its 96 inthe the shade here and snowing

 

I LOLed.

 

I wouldn't do it again. I was just curious.

[coopster]

well i hope the OP , didn`t mind the threadjack stalkingtigers, i mean stalkingeyore, tigers ....dieu

Edited March 4, 2012 by coopster

[hurts_so_bad]

Lol! Its all seeping in! I got the message but tis hard as hell to follow it. So far the night is going great! My wife is in the shower so I am on the computer to post to you guys....I got here around 2:30 pm and the kids came home from up the street (my wifes friends house) and they said mommy was still there.

 

 

Right away I said OH Boy! No show! shes gonna change her mind about going. Anyway 10 min later she came home. I kow your going to yet at me but I did give her a big hug which she accepted. We ordered chinese food and went to see ghost rider which sucked! We picked up some ice cream and just came home.

 

She did offer for me to stay the night if I want being its a long ride home on the bus and train. By staying the night I am assuming on the couch. Is that a bad idea? Dont want to wreck anything nice that was already done.

 

We did have some small talk and laughs so its good so far! I have to leave at 9pm if I am catching the bus home so please get back to me before then if you think I should go...

 

 

Thanks guys! I am listening to you! lol....

[dreamingoftigers]

Here's what I would do: you can do whatever you want to however.

 

I would say: "tonight has been great, I don't want to wreck it. Maybe next time."

 

Give the girls and wife a hug and head home.

 

Leave at the peak. It makes the wife miss you.

 

When do you see them next?

[dreamingoftigers]

She might sulk, don't become reactive to it!

[hurts_so_bad]

deal is already done! I am here for the night...Ive made a few mistakes I guess like telling her I am glad she came and giving her a kiss on the cheek.. I do notice that she is doing an aweful lot of texting which doesnt look good in my eyes....You may say, If she doesnt want me here then why offer but maybe she is just being nice...This damb guy keeps popping in my head!

[hurts_so_bad]

Ok guys here goes! I F'D Up! I couldnt hold it anymore and out came some stuff. The day was nice with the kids then we came back to the house. I have to be in the city tomorrow which is 50 miles away and then have to be back up here tomorrow again for a meeting I must attend. The wife said why not just stay over. She offered...Ok great! We watched the walking dead and stuff but I could see that she was texting here and there on the couch under a pillow she had over her legs.

 

When the show was over she set me up on the couch and went upstairs to bed. I went up a few minutes later. She was smoking a cigarette out the bathroom window so I joined her. At this point I started massaging her sholders and asked her if she missed that. She said yes. Then I tried to kiss her and she turned away. We started getting into things talking, not arguing and she said that she was content with the ways things are right now. She got into the past etc and said 3 weeks is no time to proove anyone changed. I said I know you are right and I hugged her and told her I loved her. She did not say the same back.

 

 

I have a feeling I am being strung along here. What do you think? I did mention that I know the guy she wrote the card too works with her and she did not deny it. She said they went out on two dates and she did not give him the card and meant to throw it out. I said yeah but you still wrote it...It all ended in a playful happy manner but I think that she cares for this guy and doesnt want to hurt my feelings thus stringing me along...

 

 

Dont be too harsh with me guys! I know I f'd up! Just couldnt hold it in!

 

If you guys think there is still a chance I will do better next time but if you think its time to move on than I will just do that...

[dreamingoftigers]

This is BY FAR not the worst we've seen on LS.

 

None of us can tell you when to quit.

 

BUT I can tell you that you are putting too much pressure on every single moment and action with your wife if you want to reconcile. 180. Read it. Without reading it and following it, you are going to go through the same needy and confrontational pattern that you have always done.

 

Are you aware of the definition of insanity?

 

I think you will push too hard, get rebuffed and give up because "it's clearly not working" when what you may have been doing would've worked if you would have taken the time to work on your 180 and confidence.

 

I think that you have a pretty good base to start with and can go a long way with it IF you don't push with huge expectations.

 

On a scale of 1 to 10, where is your Marriage now?

[hurts_so_bad]

This is BY FAR not the worst we've seen on LS.

 

None of us can tell you when to quit.

 

BUT I can tell you that you are putting too much pressure on every single moment and action with your wife if you want to reconcile. 180. Read it. Without reading it and following it, you are going to go through the same needy and confrontational pattern that you have always done.

 

Are you aware of the definition of insanity?

 

I think you will push too hard, get rebuffed and give up because "it's clearly not working" when what you may have been doing would've worked if you would have taken the time to work on your 180 and confidence.

 

I think that you have a pretty good base to start with and can go a long way with it IF you don't push with huge expectations.

 

On a scale of 1 to 10, where is your Marriage now?

 

So you dont think its a waste of time? I am just going by the advice you guys are telling me. If you guys dont think its a waste of time then I will pursue and keep on with the 180...The 180 is just that list of do nots correct? Or is there something else I am missing? When you ask on a scale of 1-10 where is my marriage now? Do you want me to actually answer that or are you just making a point? At this point I would say maybe a 4 if you wanted a answer. She is still being nice and inviting me to stay the night etc...

 

Donty know, maybe I am taking the messages she is sending me the wrong way. Like when she called 5 times the other night then text the next morning...I dont know!

 

 

Maybe my pride is too damb big! I'd hate to be strung along only to be let down later. Then again, maybe if I followed the 180 properly, Maybe she would forget him and think of me! Am I on the right track now?

[hurts_so_bad]

two other quick ?...can this 180 still work even if she is with someone else and really likes them? I know you cant give a exact number but how many marriages has this 180 actually saved do you think?

[coopster]

two other quick ?...can this 180 still work even if she is with someone else and really likes them? I know you cant give a exact number but how many marriages has this 180 actually saved do you think?

 

 

from what you said about the night it didn`t go that bad, You didn`t F up. Stop beating yourself over it.

 

Just because she asked you to stay doesn`t mean she wants you back ok? she was just thinking of you.

 

You say you think your marriage is a 4? Thats not a bad thing, its not a 0 !!

 

When my wife and I 1st separated she said she hated me , not to contact her again, didn`t want to see me again, wanted nothing to do with me.

 

I done pretty much the same things you are doing, the pleading , the crying, the trying to get her to love me again etc...nothing works,!!!

 

When they are in mindset..nothing will work.

 

She started coming round when I backed off. When I realised in my head i couldn`t go on the way i was.

 

I still got a long long way to go and its been 3 months now.

 

Don`t rush her. She said ( hell, WE ALL did) 3 weeks isn`t long enough to `proove` yourself

 

Its going to take time buddy. A long time..

 

The quicker you get in your mind of `moving` on with YOURSELF, the quicker you will heal. and by moving on i don`t mean going out sha**ing everything in a skirt.

 

Again back off for a few days. Leave her alone , no texts , no calls nothing.

Use this time for you, keep busy, that means in mind and body. The more you do the less time you will have to think about whats going on.

 

Back off, if she texts, ignore it. If you must answer then wait a few hours or even till next day. This will give you time to think about the best answer. Unsure? ask us!!!

 

I believe you still got a chance, But you need to start working on you 1st ... like yesterday

 

good luck m8

[hurts_so_bad]

Ok guys Like I said I had to go back up today for a meeting. Last night she offered dinner tonight if I wanted to come by after the meeting ad see the kids. So I accepted and came by. She got hoe fro work aroud 6:30...At that time I was reading a book I bought today called the secret (good book!) so I didnt pay her any mind. She started cooking. During this we exchaned a few friedly words.

 

Diner ended I had about a hour to kill before the bus cae so I hung with the kids watchig some tv...

 

 

At the end of the night she folowed e to the door and I said goodnight and walked.Proud of me? I tell you that book really put a prespective on how to think. I would recommend it to anyone going threw the stuff we are all going threw. I teaches you how to gain positive attraction threw your thoughts and how to block out the bad. I have been using it all day!

[hurts_so_bad]

from what you said about the night it didn`t go that bad, You didn`t F up. Stop beating yourself over it.

 

Just because she asked you to stay doesn`t mean she wants you back ok? she was just thinking of you.

 

You say you think your marriage is a 4? Thats not a bad thing, its not a 0 !!

 

When my wife and I 1st separated she said she hated me , not to contact her again, didn`t want to see me again, wanted nothing to do with me.

 

I done pretty much the same things you are doing, the pleading , the crying, the trying to get her to love me again etc...nothing works,!!!

 

When they are in mindset..nothing will work.

 

She started coming round when I backed off. When I realised in my head i couldn`t go on the way i was.

 

I still got a long long way to go and its been 3 months now.

 

Don`t rush her. She said ( hell, WE ALL did) 3 weeks isn`t long enough to `proove` yourself

 

Its going to take time buddy. A long time..

 

The quicker you get in your mind of `moving` on with YOURSELF, the quicker you will heal. and by moving on i don`t mean going out sha**ing everything in a skirt.

 

Again back off for a few days. Leave her alone , no texts , no calls nothing.

Use this time for you, keep busy, that means in mind and body. The more you do the less time you will have to think about whats going on.

 

Back off, if she texts, ignore it. If you must answer then wait a few hours or even till next day. This will give you time to think about the best answer. Unsure? ask us!!!

 

I believe you still got a chance, But you need to start working on you 1st ... like yesterday

 

good luck m8

 

Oh I am going to give it more than a few days! I have been up every sunday so far and we have contacted eachother every few days. Either she contacts me about soething or its e contacting her. Im done with that. I already laid down the ground work tonight and will work o not answering too quickly or at all...I am feeling much much better today and I have a feelig its goig to be the start of a run!

[hurts_so_bad]

ok, all you guys know my story! how I was a f@@k up husband and did alot bad things threw the year of my marriages. My wife told me in January she is no longer in love with me. So I agreed to leave two weeks later. Two days prior to leaving my wife made love 2 times on two seperate occasions. I then left a few days later. The followig weeked I found that notorious card! How she was crazy about this guy and then hell broke lose..

 

 

What I dont understand is, Prior to the card. She made love to me and still said she loved me even so she wasnt in love with me. Its been alittle over three weeks now. I told you guys I tried to get lucky the other night but when I didnt I questioned her. At that point she said she was content with the ways things are, wouldnt kiss me on the lips or even say I love you.

 

You guys tell me..Do you think after I left that maybe she is falling for this guy? Its sure seems like that is whats happening here...Why make love to me and say I love you before I left and now that I am gone do none of it?

 

 

I would think it would be reversed...Mad at me at first then start to forgive...I am confused and just need your thoughts..I dont want to move on but do I have too? The most important question here is, If she has or is falling for this guy can it possibly be changed with the 180??

 

 

Dreading the answers here!

[hurts_so_bad]

what you want to hear??

 

You not listening to any of us

 

 

I am listening, Im just confused on this entire situation thats all. I thought I did a great job yesterday by just leaving a saying goodnight without hugs, kisses I love you's etc...So I am listening. Just afraid I am fighting a losing battle and looking for reassurance I guess...I know rome wasnt built in a day. Im just afraid if she falls for the other guy I will be out competely.

 

Thats all..