Does any of this sound familiar?

[stillafool]

You may want to read this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/314372-our-relationship-special-he-will-leave-his-wife

[frozensprouts]

bailey,

I know you aren't familiar with my story, but I am a long ago BS.

 

I don't know about how other marriages are affected when the spouse is actively cheating.But I do know how it affected mine and it was not pretty at all.

 

The huge red flag that let me know something was very wrong was my spouse's whole personality changed. He had always been a good, kind, loving H that was very family oriented.

 

During his cheating years, me and the kids walked on eggshells, so as to not set off his abrupt raging outbursts. ( over small unimportant things) He also refused to spent any of his free time with us, including the kids sports games or family entertainment.

 

We suffered much emotional and verbal abuse before we finally had a d-day and I realized what was causing his strange behavior.

 

After reading different boards over many years, there seem to be very few marriages that the affairs don't affect the daily lives of the spouses and kids.

(frequent traveling jobs might be one of those)

 

this is the side of an affair that most other men/women will never get to see...I really wonder how a man( or woman) could be in another relationship and not have i somehow affect their marriage. Maybe some can, but I really wonder at the personality type who could do that. They'd have to be incredibly adept at compartmentalizing the two different parts of their lives.

[beenburned]

FS,

I know OW never see this side of the triangle, or the fact the BS might be a good loving person that didn't deserve any of this.

 

For me personally, the gaslighting drove me to the brink of thinking of suicide.(almost 5 years of it)

 

Normally, I have always been a easy going, laid back, good sense of humor type.

But for WH to repeatedly tell me NOTHING was wrong, led me to believe I was imagining all the crap he was dishing out to me and the kids.

 

I couldn't fix the problem when he constantly denied anything was wrong with him.

[Bailey14]

Been burned, I am so sorry you went through that pain and I know you will find this hard to believe but, my marriage ended in 1983 as a result of an EMR. I always said I would never do to another woman what she did to me.......another issue I struggle with during therapy. I can tell you, though, that I was completely oblivious to the EMR he was carrying on right under my nose. He continued to be very loving and kind to me and then one day my life fell apart. I never want my MM's wife to find out about me.....not now, not ever. She is a lovely woman.....and unlike many MM involved in EMR, mine has never said an unkind word about her.

[frozensprouts]

FS,

I know OW never see this side of the triangle, or the fact the BS might be a good loving person that didn't deserve any of this.

 

For me personally, the gaslighting drove me to the brink of thinking of suicide.(almost 5 years of it)

 

Normally, I have always been a easy going, laid back, good sense of humor type.

But for WH to repeatedly tell me NOTHING was wrong, led me to believe I was imagining all the crap he was dishing out to me and the kids.

 

I couldn't fix the problem when he constantly denied anything was wrong with him.

 

i think ( just based upon some of what i have read on here) most other men/women don't really think of the married person's family, or, if they do, it's almost as if they aren't "real" ( a very small number seem to demonize the spouse and blame everything on them, or simply don't care). It seems to me that this is because most other men/women aren't bad people, and the idea that something they are involved in may be hurting the spouse/family who really did nothing to deserve it causes feelings of guilt.

[beenburned]

Thanks Bailey! I've enjoyed reading all your posts. I think people learn a lot when they listen to other peoples stories.

 

I survived those years, and FWS worked hard to grow and change. I'm a long term success story.

 

Although after years of reading on different boards, I became addicted to them.

[Bailey14]

Been burned, so are you still married?

 

Frozen sprouts, I can tell you, in no uncertain terms, that I think about his family all the time. His wife would be devastated, he would lose the respect of his kids, his community, his colleagues......the ambivalence I feel is devastating. I want him in my life full-time but, I know it would destroy our relationship. Mira Kirschenbaum wrote a wonderful book called "When Good People Have Affairs." I know a lot of people would argue this but, I AM one of the good people.

[frozensprouts]

Been burned, so are you still married?

 

Frozen sprouts, I can tell you, in no uncertain terms, that I think about his family all the time. His wife would be devastated, he would lose the respect of his kids, his community, his colleagues......the ambivalence I feel is devastating. I want him in my life full-time but, I know it would destroy our relationship. Mira Kirschenbaum wrote a wonderful book called "When Good People Have Affairs." I know a lot of people would argue this but, I AM one of the good people.

 

Glad that you are "one of the good people"...i think most

other men/women are. ( probably sounds weird for a betrayed spouse to say that, but I have seen the "not so good" other woman- heck, she was downright nasty, and the difference is really evident between her and most others. the fact that my husband was married with three kids didn't matter one iota to her, and I think that, in some bizarre way, it actually increased his attractiveness to her...you sound like you are nothing like that at all).

 

You feel bad about what the affair could do to his family, etc. Did you feel that way when the affair started, or did you find yourself trying to put that part of it out of your mind? If you don't mind me asking ( and please tell me if I am being too nosy or asking too much) how did you deal with that?

[2sunny]

Since you now view this from his wife's perspective - what are you willing to do to change it? If you ended it - that would give you the opportunity to let go of negative energy and grow positive energy bigger.

 

You are correct in thinking that it's not fair to you AND/OR his wife.

 

Any time he attempts to contact you - you could imagine - in your mind - that she knew - or was listening, or watching you two. How would you feel about that? How can YOU participate in order to respect YOURSELF more?

[18Years2Late]

Glad that you are "one of the good people"...i think most

other men/women are. ( probably sounds weird for a betrayed spouse to say that, but I have seen the "not so good" other woman- heck, she was downright nasty, and the difference is really evident between her and most others. the fact that my husband was married with three kids didn't matter one iota to her, and I think that, in some bizarre way, it actually increased his attractiveness to her...you sound like you are nothing like that at all).

 

You feel bad about what the affair could do to his family, etc. Did you feel that way when the affair started, or did you find yourself trying to put that part of it out of your mind? If you don't mind me asking ( and please tell me if I am being too nosy or asking too much) how did you deal with that?

 

I think the fact that she didn't care one iota is what allowed your fWH to keep her around so long...zero empathy is not attractive...those of us with empathy destroy ourselves with the selfish situation of an A...and we get out...then we spend years fixing it and addicted to LS...:)

 

Your OW is not "one of the good people"...but u handled it like a champ!

[Bailey14]

Frozen sprouts, I do not consider your questions nosy at all. We can learn from each other, huh? Did I think about his family when the A started? You see, I never imagined that it would develop into a LTR. I thought it was going to be a fling.....a once and done. I gave it very little thought. The first time he told me he loved me(and it was NOT during sex)was when I knew we had created a problem. I might mention here that if I knew then what I know now I never would have pursued the relationship. With each passing month I think about his wife and kids more and more. How do I cope? I suppose it a matter of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" but, I know the A is hurting her. I just don't know how. I really believe she has no idea because I know she would divorce him if she did. BTW, I am so sorry you were hurt so deeply by someone you trusted.

[2sunny]

Frozen sprouts, I do not consider your questions nosy at all. We can learn from each other, huh? Did I think about his family when the A started? You see, I never imagined that it would develop into a LTR. I thought it was going to be a fling.....a once and done. I gave it very little thought. The first time he told me he loved me(and it was NOT during sex)was when I knew we had created a problem. I might mention here that if I knew then what I know now I never would have pursued the relationship. With each passing month I think about his wife and kids more and more. How do I cope? I suppose it a matter of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" but, I know the A is hurting her. I just don't know how. I really believe she has no idea because I know she would divorce him if she did. BTW, I am so sorry you were hurt so deeply by someone you trusted.

 

Since there's so much you "don't know" about/from her - IF you are honest - you should simply call and be honest with her about the man she's married to.

 

IF you don't want to DO that - then the next best thing would be to never- ever communicate with him again. THAT would be honoring yourself and his marriage at the same time from here moving forward.

 

Can you do that?

[frozensprouts]

Frozen sprouts, I do not consider your questions nosy at all. We can learn from each other, huh? Did I think about his family when the A started? You see, I never imagined that it would develop into a LTR. I thought it was going to be a fling.....a once and done. I gave it very little thought. The first time he told me he loved me(and it was NOT during sex)was when I knew we had created a problem. I might mention here that if I knew then what I know now I never would have pursued the relationship. With each passing month I think about his wife and kids more and more. How do I cope? I suppose it a matter of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" but, I know the A is hurting her. I just don't know how. I really believe she has no idea because I know she would divorce him if she did. BTW, I am so sorry you were hurt so deeply by someone you trusted.

 

 

so he asked you to put yourself in a position that went against your morals and beliefs just so he could get some of his needs met? That is very selfish on his part. Granted, you could have said no, but the idea that he would even ask you is really selfish on his part. I have to wonder if he was thinking about what that would do to you.

 

Now you are in the position where you are left feeling guilty and seem to be giving much more thought to his wife and family than he ever seems to have.

to be honest, I think that says a lot about the both of you. You show empathy, compassion and kindness to his wife and children. He never did, and still doesn't, and you are the one left feeling guilty about it all.

 

In my opinion, you are much more than he will ever be. While I can't say I agree with or endorse the cheating, you sound like you are using this as an opportunity for introspection and personal growth. I commend you for that:)

[Bailey14]

Frozen sprouts, your posts bring tears to my eyes each time I read them. You possess such compassion. In all fairness, though, the A began at my urging.

I reached out to him. Although he never shared these things with me, I knew through a mutual friend that he had been in marriage counseling because of a complete breakdown in intimacy in his marriage. And I do not mean just sex.

There was no touching, no hugging, no hand holding and this is a man who loves to be touched. We were both raised by very cold and distant women and that is one of the many things we have in common. But, make no mistake, I pursued him. I truly do not know what I was thinking. One other thing I want to share......my MM has no idea the torment this relationship is causing me.

Why? Because when I am with him he sees only the joy I experience. It is only when he drives away that I begin to suffer from a kind of emotional let down that I have never experienced before. And, in all fairness to him, he is also tormented.....I know, I know......not enough to end it but, we are both guilty of that.

[Bailey14]

Since there's so much you "don't know" about/from her - IF you are honest - you should simply call and be honest with her about the man she's married to.

 

IF you don't want to DO that - then the next best thing would be to never- ever communicate with him again. THAT would be honoring yourself and his marriage at the same time from here moving forward.

 

Can you do that?

 

Could not possibly hurt her like that......and I don't think it is my place to tell her. If anyone should come clean it is him. I know what I need to do.....it is the doing that is the painful part.

[2sunny]

You are filling a void in his marriage that he should be getting from his wife.

 

IF he were an honest man - he would tell her EXACTLY what he needs from her. IF she's not willing to give him what HE needs - he should leave. How can she read his mind? If he told her - .she might try harder - finding love and attention OUTSIDE his M is NOT the answer...

 

You are participating in their M now - he gets what he wants without telling his WIFE what his needs are... So how can she help him to better that M?

 

When he obtains the intimacy from you... He's not likely to be very motivated to tell her - to be honest with her - you make it easy to start new instead of fixing what he KNOWS he needs to fix ( the intimacy in the M).

 

Seeing you once a month is his LAZY way of making little effort to get what he wants (he's selfish, remember).

 

Keep in mind - he can't USE you unless you ALLOW that! So stop allowing it.

 

Then - a man who is available will come into your life. But not while he's distracting you by offering you next to nothing.

[beenburned]

Bailey,

yes, I'm still married .

 

But the only reason I stayed, was H was remorseful from the minute d-day happened. He worked very hard to correct, and understand, all the things that led him to cheat.

 

He has never made me sorry that I gave him a another chance many years ago. He still thanks me to this day!

 

Maybe I missed it, but why will your MM not divorce his wife?(since he is in an unhappy marriage that they were trying to fix with counseling)

[Bailey14]

2Sunny, but she does know. They have been in counseling twice. Once with their parish priest and once with a counselor outside the church. It made no difference in the way she treated him and, sadly, I came along at just the wrong time.

[2sunny]

But you KNOW he lies, yes?

 

Has he told her EXACTLY what he needs? I doubt it! IF he had been honest - he would have stated that he intended to find what he needed OUTSIDE their M... But he didn't!

 

So he didn't tell her what he needed - so how can she help him get what he needs if he wasn't honest?

 

And unless YOU were in the counseling session - you have NO IDEA what he DID tell her... I'm sure he lied by omission... By not being honest with what exactly his needs were!

[Bailey14]

Been burned, you are an amazing woman! I have never asked him why he won't divorce his wife but, I can list them based on my knowledge of him.

He is Catholic so even though he will break that pesky little adultery commandment he won't do anything to tarnish his reputation publicly. He loves his wife and does not want to hurt her. He does not want to lose the respect of his kids. He does not want to give up half of the material things he has worked a lifetime for. I should probably ask him, huh?

[Bailey14]

But you KNOW he lies, yes?

 

Has he told her EXACTLY what he needs? I doubt it! IF he had been honest - he would have stated that he intended to find what he needed OUTSIDE their M... But he didn't!

 

So he didn't tell her what he needed - so how can she help him get what he needs if he wasn't honest?

 

And unless YOU were in the counseling session - you have NO IDEA what he DID tell her... I'm sure he lied by omission... By not being honest with what exactly his needs were!

 

2Sunny, I know none of these things from him.....he shared these things with his best friend from high school.

[Bailey14]

But you KNOW he lies, yes?

 

Has he told her EXACTLY what he needs? I doubt it! IF he had been honest - he would have stated that he intended to find what he needed OUTSIDE their M... But he didn't!

 

So he didn't tell her what he needed - so how can she help him get what he needs if he wasn't honest?

 

And unless YOU were in the counseling session - you have NO IDEA what he DID tell her... I'm sure he lied by omission... By not being honest with what exactly his needs were!

 

One other thing I forgot to mention.......he told her he would find what he needed elsewhere and she told him if he ever strayed she would divorce him.

[whichwayisup]

One other thing I forgot to mention.......he told her he would find what he needed elsewhere and she told him if he ever strayed she would divorce him.

 

You sure about this? That he actually had this conversation with her, or is this what he told YOU. Stop believing every word he says - MM lie, you know this now and he's very very good at manipulating and lying! He's mastered it!

[2sunny]

One basic rule I live from in life:

 

I look at harms done! If the way I am participating is causing harm to self or others - then I shouldn't be DOING THAT!

 

Look at that very basic guideline for YOUR situation... You are harming you - you are harming him, his wife, his family and friends, his belief system - all by participating... THAT should give you the answer you are seeking here.

[Bailey14]

One basic rule I live from in life:

 

I look at harms done! If the way I am participating is causing harm to self or others - then I shouldn't be DOING THAT!

 

Look at that very basic guideline for YOUR situation... You are harming you - you are harming him, his wife, his family and friends, his belief system - all by participating... THAT should give you the answer you are seeking here.

 

2Sunny.....I agree completely.....it is the addictive nature of the relationship that stops me. If it were that easy I would have ended things a long, long time ago.