Does any of this sound familiar?

[Bailey14]

I have searched a number of forums to find someone who has experienced something similar to mine. The MM I am involved with is someone I have known since we were 12 years old. We became FWB when we were 16 years old but, I eventually fell in love with him. We graduated from high school, went off to different universities and married our college sweethearts. My marriage didn't last......his did. Fast forward 40 years to our high school class reunion in 2009. We were drawn to each other and thus began the prelude to our affair.

Between August of 2009 and August of 2010 we saw each other a few times for lunch and dinner and then in September of 2010 the affair began. We have been together since then. We did not intend for this to happen but, we have fallen in love with each other. Why won't he leave his marriage??? Get ready for this.......he is devout Catholic and will not end his marriage. And he still loves his wife. We see each other once a month(we live in different cities)and although the time we spend together is magical, every time I am with him I go through a week of depression and tears. And he goes through debilitating remorse and guilt. We continue the relationship though because we love each other. Does the roller coaster of emotions ever stop????

[spice4life]

If he is so devout then why is he cheating on his wife? Selective Catholisim? He's selling you a bill of goods and no, it doesn't get any easier. His debilitating guilt sounds like a prsonal problem to me. You have a choice; stick with the depression it causes or move on to a happier situation for yourself.

[bentnotbroken]

:confused:Hmm. He does not appear to be quite as devout as he claims nor debilitated & guilty enough to stop. Your question is why won't he leave his marriage? Why won't you leave him alone or Why not tell his wife so that she might chose to leave and you can have him. These are all valid possibilities to get you what you desire...a man who is a devout Catholic who will cheat as long as he beats himself up about it every so often.

[MissBee]

Yes the roller coaster stops when you stop it....or if a dday occurs and someone else stops it.

 

He still loves his wife.....let that marinate Bailey.

 

He isn't leaving his marriage because he is Catholic or what have you...although that may be a reason, he also still loves his wife. Listen to him and make YOUR choice. It's one thing if he was saying he no longer loved her but was Catholic so can't leave....but he does love her Bailey. I don't think he loves you more than his life with her and I think he is informing you that he loves her and that he is Catholic, so that you KNOW that this is not going to go anywhere and he is not looking for a new wife or to move on to be with you completely.

 

Having magical stolen moments is par for the course...most of us who are fOW can attest to that, yet many also come up empty handed in the end. He still loves his wife, he is Catholic and doesn't believe in divorce and you live in different cities, not to mention he actually experiences regret for his behavior....this does not seem like a man who is going to leave his wife for you and you shouldn't expect him to.

 

If an occasional tryst is not what you want....then end things with him and the rollercoaster will stop. I promise. You'll feel hurt and miss him and the magical stolen moments...but you will eventually get over it and perhaps see it quite differently. However, if you continue, you're in for more hurt than magic most likely.

 

P.S. yes your story rings of familiarity. It is a very familiar story indeed.

Edited February 20, 2012 by MissBee

[Bailey14]

Miss Bee, thank you for your thoughtful post. I have tried to end this relationship on two separate occasions but, both times I went running back to him because I couldn't deal with the pain of losing someone who has been part of my life for 48 years. I know he will never leave his wife.......he has told me that right from the start of this rekindled romance. I have started therapy in the hopes of trying to find out why I think so little if myself that I am willing to accept the crumbs of a relationship. How did you find the courage to end things?

[18Years2Late]

Oh yes...anquishingly familiar...

 

Read my back posts...I don't want to rehash it right now...then...get off the roller coaster to nowhere...only u can make it stop...bc he's a lying, selfish coward...OR...u can hang around til wifey stops it...but when that happens...the roller coaster crashes...and you'll b almost fatally wounded...and it will that a REALLY LONG TIME to pull all the knives out your back...so eloquently placed by the love of your life...

 

The sooner it stops...the sooner u can grieve, heal and move on to a brighter future...it's up to you...

[Bailey14]

18yrs2Late, I read parts of your thread but, could not find the post that addressed the end of your relationship.......culd you tell me just a little bit about it?

[MissBee]

Miss Bee, thank you for your thoughtful post. I have tried to end this relationship on two separate occasions but, both times I went running back to him because I couldn't deal with the pain of losing someone who has been part of my life for 48 years. I know he will never leave his wife.......he has told me that right from the start of this rekindled romance. I have started therapy in the hopes of trying to find out why I think so little if myself that I am willing to accept the crumbs of a relationship. How did you find the courage to end things?

 

I'm really happy that you are realizing that accepting crumbs and chasing crumbs means you have personal work to do, you're already ahead of the game in that regard.

 

I too would pseudo-end things but continue trying to be "friends", which was of course ridiculous, as we had no idea how to be friends and both of us had no interest in what a real friendship entails, and it would eventually fall back into the old pattern. It ended when he went no contact with me for a year.....best thing he ever did for me! I did wake up and realize it was crumbs but was glad that he walked away, as back then, perhaps had he not stepped back, I would have allowed it to drag on.

 

I think sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.....immerse yourself in other activities and learning about you (as you seem to be now doing) and the more you pull yourself away from him and gain perspective, the more courage you get. Most things in life are scary when you sit mulling over them...when you "just do it", it's often not as bad. I'd start by telling him the truth, that unless he leaves his wife you cannot do this relationship and until you're over him, you cannot be friends and ask that he not contact you. It seems incredibly painful....but trust me....it won't kill you. You will be just fine without him. You only have his crumbs now anyway, he hasn't been there for you for 48 years....that's an overstatement IMO. At 12...what kind of relationship can you have? At 16, you were "friends with benefits"....that's not much of a deep relationship either, then you both married other people and didn't seem to be friends then until you met up 40 years later. He has not been a part of your life except when you were young and for the last 2 years or so....you should read this article, Google it, it's called: The Trap of the (Returning) Childhood ‘Sweetheart’ on a site called Baggage Reclaim, that also has MANY other helpful articles for women in similar situations like yours.

 

 

Yea...I think you have created a fantasy around him and what he REALLY means in your life....as when you look at the facts, he is some guy you messed with when you were a teen and now you are well into adulthood and you have not known each other as adults...and you fell into a whirlwind sexual relationship but where is the substance? How is it love? I think some time away from him, reading those articles, reading here and talking to your therapist will help you figure out why you have elevated him to this status.

Edited February 20, 2012 by MissBee

[Lauriebell82]

I agree that devout Catholics don't cheat on their wives. He is staying because he loves his wife and has the thrill of you on the side.

 

Good for you that you have started counseling to work on yourself. You are on the right track.

 

You said you've tried to end the relationship. Can you go into more detail about that? How long did you end it for? What did you do in that time period? Was MM okay with you ending it? Sounds like you need some better coping skills to deal with the pain of ending things.

[Bailey14]

Again, Miss Bee, your post touched my heart, however, there are things about our friendship that I can't go into in a public forum. Suffice it to say that our relationship has spanned our entire life and we have always had a very close friendship. You asked where the substance is.......we have a relationship that includes a type of communication that I have never had with another human being. We can sit and talk for hours about everything and anything. He shares his innermost feelings with me and I have no secrets from him. We make each other laugh and he admires my success in a male-dominated profession. We genuinely like each other. Our relationship is about intimacy, not just sex.

That is why it is so difficult to end this relationship....it would be so much easier if it were only sexual.

[Bailey14]

Lauriebell82, the first time I ended things he reached out to me after a week or so, the second time I ended things, I reached out to him. What did I do during the time-outs? Lived my life.......went to work, spent time with my friends, exercised, took care of my house and my dog, etc. My heart was in a million little pieces but, I continued to go through the motions.

[MissBee]

Again, Miss Bee, your post touched my heart, however, there are things about our friendship that I can't go into in a public forum. Suffice it to say that our relationship has spanned our entire life and we have always had a very close friendship. You asked where the substance is.......we have a relationship that includes a type of communication that I have never had with another human being. We can sit and talk for hours about everything and anything. He shares his innermost feelings with me and I have no secrets from him. We make each other laugh and he admires my success in a male-dominated profession. We genuinely like each other. Our relationship is about intimacy, not just sex.

That is why it is so difficult to end this relationship....it would be so much easier if it were only sexual.

 

Bailey, believe me....I have been there.

 

My exAP was someone with whom I got along and it was not only about sex and we were compatible in terms of our communication styles and we too spoke for hours...yet at the end of the day, he was someone who was not going to be able to provide me with a TRUE romantic partnership. In another time, another life, maybe.....but in this one...no. And he was selfish....I didn't realize at the time, until I got out of it and when he resurfaced late last year and I cut him off back in January this year. I realize he had his own issues why he chose to be in that relationship with me and it hadn't changed....and his issues and my heart cannot coexist. Our compatibility and affinity were not enough and if I had let him, he would continue to take and take from me, but I'd be alright with it because we could talk for hours and laugh and he made me feel special sometimes. But when you hang up the phone, when you close your email, when you get off the plane from your rendezvous....you feel that emptiness. You realize something is amiss and you realize that while this person may not be deliberately trying to hurt you...the entire situation is not viable and you're doing yourself a great disservice.

 

A good relationship is not just about common interests, but primary values and that person being open and AVAILABLE. You can't have one without the other. If you have primary value but they aren't available, no good. If you have common interest but not primary values no good. You need to have it all for a relationship that will leave you fulfilled and nourished. You deserve that. You need to know when you go to sleep at night that their loyalty is with you, they will be there when you call, not just for the happy moments but even in the unpleasant times, there are no secrets about your relationship from the world. If you don't have that peace of mind....then what's the point? If you start being uncomfortable, it means the situation is not a good fit. It's like squeezing your feet into shoes a half size small. They may look cute or look like they fit...but you can feel that discomfort and that squeezing an dhow much harder you have to try and limp around to walk in them....

[MissBee]

Lauriebell82, the first time I ended things he reached out to me after a week or so, the second time I ended things, I reached out to him. What did I do during the time-outs? Lived my life.......went to work, spent time with my friends, exercised, took care of my house and my dog, etc. My heart was in a million little pieces but, I continued to go through the motions.

 

The longer you go through the motions and live life....the little pieces find their way back to you. Believe me. I am a testament to that, not once, but twice. I had a true broken heart twice....and the pieces found their way back. It took a while, but they found their way back, and I also found a large part of myself I had given up by being in these situations

 

Last year in one of my classes we were discussing developmental stages in children and how your first broken heart as a teen perhaps feels very hard because your self-identity at that age is so easily tied up in another, so you literally lose a part of you. I think that concept is relevant to people of all ages and I can attest that once I started focusing on myself and the lessons meant for me in the pain...was when I started to heal. Initially it was all about them and what they did to me or me figuring out how to fix them or how to get back together or why won't they do this or that or why did they do this or that or when will they do this or that....them, them, them...was a pointless venture. When I focused on me and my healing and growth and wanting better....my healing fast-forwarded, literally! You spend so much time thinking life cannot go on without them...but I am also a testament that it does...and other people take their place and usually better people and more viable situations, if you do the work you need to do on yourself.

Edited February 20, 2012 by MissBee

[Bailey14]

I feel surrounded by great women and their wisdom!!! I knew I would eventually find a forum that would help me. This relationship is not unlike a drug addiction......I described it to a friend today likening it the next line of cocaine. It feels so good while you're doing it but, the withdrawal is the tough part. But, damnit, I quit smoking 10 years ago and lost 30 pounds last year so why can't I quit this newest addiction??? I just cannot accept the end of a relationship that makes me feel so damn good when I am with him. MissBee, you mentioned the issue of childhood heartbreak......that is the crux of the connection I have with him. We were friends in high school during a time when I was living through the worst kind of abuse a young woman can live through.

He was my best friend at a time when I was being betrayed by the people who should have protected me. Part of the therapy I am going through right now is dealing with post traumatic stress syndrome. It is all very complicated.

[MissBee]

I feel surrounded by great women and their wisdom!!! I knew I would eventually find a forum that would help me. This relationship is not unlike a drug addiction......I described it to a friend today likening it the next line of cocaine. It feels so good while you're doing it but, the withdrawal is the tough part. But, damnit, I quit smoking 10 years ago and lost 30 pounds last year so why can't I quit this newest addiction??? I just cannot accept the end of a relationship that makes me feel so damn good when I am with him. MissBee, you mentioned the issue of childhood heartbreak......that is the crux of the connection I have with him. We were friends in high school during a time when I was living through the worst kind of abuse a young woman can live through.

He was my best friend at a time when I was being betrayed by the people who should have protected me. Part of the therapy I am going through right now is dealing with post traumatic stress syndrome. It is all very complicated.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that Bailey. I can imagine, like most of us, especially if you had severe trauma in your formative years, you often have so much to work through. But you're wise to be here and to decide to seek counsel from someone trained to help. I think you will be just fine

[2sunny]

I feel surrounded by great women and their wisdom!!! I knew I would eventually find a forum that would help me. This relationship is not unlike a drug addiction......I described it to a friend today likening it the next line of cocaine. It feels so good while you're doing it but, the withdrawal is the tough part. But, damnit, I quit smoking 10 years ago and lost 30 pounds last year so why can't I quit this newest addiction??? I just cannot accept the end of a relationship that makes me feel so damn good when I am with him. MissBee, you mentioned the issue of childhood heartbreak......that is the crux of the connection I have with him. We were friends in high school during a time when I was living through the worst kind of abuse a young woman can live through.

He was my best friend at a time when I was being betrayed by the people who should have protected me. Part of the therapy I am going through right now is dealing with post traumatic stress syndrome. It is all very complicated.

 

It's just your "assigned meaning" that you run to him while going through some tough emotional issues. Same as what happened when you were young. But the problem now is - he's betraying someone by even speaking to you.

 

When you understand it all the way brought you should be capable of knowing that in order to love or be with someone - you shouldn't NEED to cause harm and pain to another. That "other" is his wife. He knows it...YET he just keeps being greedy and selfish.

 

Do you want or intend to BE with a man that's greedy and selfish? Because THAT IS EXACTLY WHO HE IS!

 

He's is NOT the man you thought he was. He's a man searching to get his ego fed by a woman who worships him...and one who thinks so little of herself that she sacrifices a happy future for a liar and a cheat.

 

Your evidence shows YOU exactly what his character is (or lack of) - RUN!!!

 

You deserve better - never settle!!!!

 

Call and tell him now, right now - that its not right, never will be right and it's over!

 

Seriously! He's sitting there licking his chops on two women fawning all over him - and you get 5% of a man ( if you call him THAT?)

 

Why do you settle for SO little? DON'T!

[18Years2Late]

18yrs2Late, I read parts of your thread but, could not find the post that addressed the end of your relationship.......culd you tell me just a little bit about it?

 

Well...u said it best...it's a drug addition...the worst drug ever...hell I've been a drug abuser...in my early 20's...and I never had nothing this hard to stop...and how/why do drug addicts stop...they hit rock bottom...just the way YOU now in this case are going to have to hit rock bottom...YOU will decide that ENOUGH is ENOUGH...and YOU can take no more...YOU will no longer recognize the person in the mirror...and wonder how the hell YOU got like this...and wonder if you'll ever b able to get YOU back...strikingly similar to drug addiction...only worse...and until YOU get there...until YOU decide to change...until YOU decide to stop...nothing anybody in the ENTIRE world can say will force you...not even those of us here on LS...or your therapist...I understand...

 

Now for my ending...we had an A for about a year...only met F2F twice for 4-5 days each time...he lives 1800 miles away...he got caught...thru me under the bus...he contacted me 2 weeks later...3 months wife finds out again...NC for 2 months...he breaks NC again...this time wife tells me he said he loves me and planning to leave to b with me...he tells his mother same...I believed him...a month later I decided enough was enough...I woke up crying...I went to bed crying...I cried all the way to work and all the way home...I cried in the bathroom at work...I was physically falling apart...and so was he...and we were "together" at this point...I was watching myself and someone I love deteriorate...I let him go...he said he would come back when he could give me what I deserved...I said don't bother...that was 6 months ago...he never said he loved his wife...he said she was a good person and mother of his children...he simply couldn't leave his kids and move his life into another time zone...I respected and understood that completely...it's the way he handled it (me) after dday that I couldn't deal with...

 

My x is also someone I've known and loved for the last 23 years...not a day has gone by since I 1st met him that I haven't thought about him and thought about us being together again one day...the hardest part was knowing that the dream was over...it's official we will never be together...and that's tough to swallow...it's like I wish the A would have never happened so I'd still have those hopes and dreams...

 

Bailey...it's hard...it hurts like nothing you've ever experienced before...I know that we go back to them bc u just want the hurt to stop...but it doesn't stop...there's no way to avoid the hurt...it's coming and u just have to work thru it...it will hurt today, tomorrow, next week, next month...but the mire attached u get...the more it hurts...do it now...and keep posting here for support...we'll help u get thru it...

 

I'm sad...it makes me sad when I see someone new here and knowing exactly how they feel right now...and remembering how hopeless I felt...kind brings back those bad memories...it was rough...but it's ok now...you'll get there too...

 

{{{{Hugs}}}}

[Bailey14]

Miss B and 18, I thank you for your support and I plan to come back here. I hope you will continue to be a source of support. I am a 60 year old woman who knows what she needs to do. I have not found the strength or the courage but, I am determined to stay here and find what I need to move on. I will be back.

Edited April 20, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[FightClub]

Bailey14,

 

Keep your head up and things will get better as you learn more about what you want and how to respect yourself without the MM.

 

 

...And this song is for everyone! Rejoice! Dance! Hold-hands!

 

 

 

 

-FC

Edited February 20, 2012 by FightClub

[Bailey14]

Thank you, FC. I appreciate your kindness.

[jaloka]

Bailey14 - I have been in an EMR for over 6 years, I am sure I will get bashed for saying this, both for some of us it works great. When it doesn't work for one, it's time to exit. I wish you luck on that process. Is hard to let go of someone that you have such a close connection with.

[Bailey14]

Jaloka, thank you for your comment. If I could take a magic pill I would ask for the ability to be involved in this relationship minus the angst. I get so much pleasure from the phone calls, the texts, the time we spent together.

Unfortunately, I want more and I can't have more and that is what makes me crazy.

[beenburned]

bailey,

I have another view of your past.

 

When you both were teenagers, you had a FWB with him, but you fell in love. ( he didn't)

 

I think you see this as trying to get what you didn't get back then.(he still doesn't want you full time)

 

Rejection hurts no matter what age!!

 

And I'm not so sure he was truly such a good friend in HS, because he knowingly took advantage of a person he was told was going through trauma in her personal life. That made you a very vulnerable person, that he took advantage of.(IMO)

 

You've got to take off the rose colored glasses you are wearing, and see this MM for the selfish cheating person he really is.

[frozensprouts]

I'm kind of confused...

 

you say that you have known this guy for a long time, dated for a while when you were young, lost touch, married other people, but started talking again at a reunion a few years ago, the you met for lunch/dinner a few times over a couple of years and then an affair started?

( please forgive me if i have that timeline wrong)

 

You say that part of the reason you find it so hard to end the affair is that you don't want to lose a friend you have for so long. To be honest, it doesn't sound like you had a huge amount of contact with him before the affair started anyway...what are you really "losing"?

 

(again, sorry if I have that wrong)

 

I know it sounds harsh for me to say it, but ending a romantic relationship is hard and it can be really painful. Are you sure you are not using the "i don't want to lose the friendship" as a reason to avoid the pain of ending the relationship? Besides...it sounds like you are getting an awful lot of hurt in your life by being with this guy...why would someone put a "friend" through this? I sounds as if you are assigning a whole lot more to to this relationship than he is.

I'm sorry you are hurting, but you do have the power to find a long term solution to it...stop seeing him or having any contact with him and make it stick. There's lots of good advice on here about how to make that happen, and people will be more than happy to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on when things get really tough.

Edited February 20, 2012 by frozensprouts

[Lauriebell82]

I feel surrounded by great women and their wisdom!!! I knew I would eventually find a forum that would help me. This relationship is not unlike a drug addiction......I described it to a friend today likening it the next line of cocaine. It feels so good while you're doing it but, the withdrawal is the tough part. But, damnit, I quit smoking 10 years ago and lost 30 pounds last year so why can't I quit this newest addiction??? I just cannot accept the end of a relationship that makes me feel so damn good when I am with him. MissBee, you mentioned the issue of childhood heartbreak......that is the crux of the connection I have with him. We were friends in high school during a time when I was living through the worst kind of abuse a young woman can live through.

He was my best friend at a time when I was being betrayed by the people who should have protected me. Part of the therapy I am going through right now is dealing with post traumatic stress syndrome. It is all very complicated.

 

Okay, well how did you stop smoking and lose 30 pounds? You just went ahead and did it right? With the help of coping skills? That's what you are going to have to do. Just rip the bandaid and stay strong.