hazlenutt Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 After 4 years - yes, 4 years - of waiting on a man who promised me that he was working on the demise of his marriage and doing "everything he could" to make "us" an open reality, I have finally woken up. For the first year, the sex was great and I didn't want to be attached anyway. The second year, I fell in love and started needing more from him. The third year, he assured me that we would be married soon. The fourth year, his wife finally got the nerve to confront and enlighten me. I don't care who you are, how you feel, or how unique you think your situation is.... get out now. You are me in hindsight. My friends tried to tell me. Google tried to tell me. My therapist tried to tell me. But I would not believe that my married lover would intentionally drag me through hell. I made excuses for him...I lied for him...I compromised my integrity and self-worth for him. Only to end up alone. Yes, our relationship was unique. Truly. We have known each other since we were kids and we were sweethearts throughout junior high and high school. We were each other's first everything. After graduation, time and distance separated us and we married others. We met for lunch one day years later.... one hug, one kiss and all the love we had once known for each other came rushing back. We acknowledged that we each believed that we are soulmates and that we should be together. I was already divorced, but his situation was delicate. He loved his wife and had three kids. And a great job in a profession where integrity really matters. But...we were soulmates. And nothing was going to separate us ever again. So the next 4 years of my life were a series of loneliness, emptiness, bitterness, resentment and pain. He was never there when I had a death in my family, yet when his mom died he was surrounded by love - but not mine, because I was a dirty little secret. I didn't have anyone to dine or vacation with and sat home pissed off when he went on two week vacations with his wife and kids. I dread holidays so much that I don't even decorate anymore. I've spent the last 4 Thanksgiving and Christmas' alone. He did always manage to take me away for my birthday. My friends all said, "WAKE UP!" But I wouldn't. I know you are where I was or you wouldn't be reading this. I know you love him. I know you think he is different. I know you think he will leave her. I know I know I know. And my heart breaks for you. He won't. And you deserve better than being anyone's plan B.
alexandria35 Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Hazlenutt I'm glad you got yourself free of this situation and it may be of little comfort now but be happy that you only spent 4 yrs in it. Some waste a great deal more years than that. Sorry if you are hurting. You will recover and one day you will look forward to the holidays again.
2sunny Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Good for you! Be proud of yourself now... And know you DO deserve happiness with a man that makes YOU his top priority!
despicableME Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 You just wasted 4 years of your life that could've been better served pursuing an honest and legitimate relationship. Why women fall for this, I will never know.
MissBee Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 You just wasted 4 years of your life that could've been better served pursuing an honest and legitimate relationship. Why women fall for this, I will never know. Why do you post here? That is my question. Every post from you is filled with disgust....I see no reason why you're here as your posts help no one really. Clearly this woman is here, and has learned and is sharing her story for others...there was no need for you to reiterate her mistake. But if you take some type of joy in that...then while you may not be wasting years in an A you obviously waste time on LS spewing venom, which is not any better. 3
MissBee Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 After 4 years - yes, 4 years - of waiting on a man who promised me that he was working on the demise of his marriage and doing "everything he could" to make "us" an open reality, I have finally woken up. For the first year, the sex was great and I didn't want to be attached anyway. The second year, I fell in love and started needing more from him. The third year, he assured me that we would be married soon. The fourth year, his wife finally got the nerve to confront and enlighten me. I don't care who you are, how you feel, or how unique you think your situation is.... get out now. You are me in hindsight. My friends tried to tell me. Google tried to tell me. My therapist tried to tell me. But I would not believe that my married lover would intentionally drag me through hell. I made excuses for him...I lied for him...I compromised my integrity and self-worth for him. Only to end up alone. Yes, our relationship was unique. Truly. We have known each other since we were kids and we were sweethearts throughout junior high and high school. We were each other's first everything. After graduation, time and distance separated us and we married others. We met for lunch one day years later.... one hug, one kiss and all the love we had once known for each other came rushing back. We acknowledged that we each believed that we are soulmates and that we should be together. I was already divorced, but his situation was delicate. He loved his wife and had three kids. And a great job in a profession where integrity really matters. But...we were soulmates. And nothing was going to separate us ever again. So the next 4 years of my life were a series of loneliness, emptiness, bitterness, resentment and pain. He was never there when I had a death in my family, yet when his mom died he was surrounded by love - but not mine, because I was a dirty little secret. I didn't have anyone to dine or vacation with and sat home pissed off when he went on two week vacations with his wife and kids. I dread holidays so much that I don't even decorate anymore. I've spent the last 4 Thanksgiving and Christmas' alone. He did always manage to take me away for my birthday. My friends all said, "WAKE UP!" But I wouldn't. I know you are where I was or you wouldn't be reading this. I know you love him. I know you think he is different. I know you think he will leave her. I know I know I know. And my heart breaks for you. He won't. And you deserve better than being anyone's plan B. Great for you Hazel! If someone can listen to your story and learn that it is actually not uncommon and that most OW believe this is soulmateship, this is meant to be, he will leave, they listen to no one, then perhaps they will ask themselves how and why are they different and maybe the logical and skeptical part of their brains will override the romantic fog. It's very hard though...as with your example and so many here, they listen to NO ONE....they believe everyone is against them and their love and are naysayers and run towards those who only have cheery words of hope. I am sure many reading your story will push it aside as well...but maybe some others will be enlightened by it. You deserve a full and open relationship and now that you are free of MM...you can find yourself again and also find a real relationship that is growing towards an end you desire and not just growing in the imagination. 1
18Years2Late Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) Hazelnut, I feel your pain...I wasted 1-1/2 yrs on my old HS/college sweetheart too...we were actually engaged 18 years ago (see me LS name)...it sucks...I'm sorry...but it does get easier...keep up that anger u have now...it helps prevent u from going back...and soon you'll let that anger and disgust go...and you'll just feel sorry for him...and you'll move on to bigger and brighter things with all those awful lessons learned in your back pocket...and you'll never b someone's lie or plan b again... It gets better I promise...even though it seems like something you'll never recover from...you will... Smile... Edit: forgot to mention...google lost lovers...Dr. Nancy Kalish's site...it really helps for those of us in Lost loves situations...she also has a blog "sticky bonds" on psychologytoday.com...read her blogs too...very helpful... Edited February 18, 2012 by 18Years2Late
despicableME Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) Where is the venom? I don't understand why some people get ruffled up when I point-out the obvious. I mean, really... what did you expect to come from having an illicit affair? She wasted 4 f***ing years pursuing this, only to be crushed by it. What did she expect... the OM was going to get up and say, "Darling... we were meant to be together." C'mon! This is the reality of it- DEAL WITH IT!!! Edited February 18, 2012 by despicableME
18Years2Late Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I think it's only fair that we also get a "dislike" button... 3
despicableME Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Yeah, you would be the one to suggest that. I concur, as it goes both ways.
quankanne Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 or one that allows a cyber smack-to-the-back-of-the-head :laugh: hazel, what is it they say about being sadder but wiser? We can judge from the outside and say "NO NO NO!!!" but until we've been down that road ourselves, we cannot appreciate your pain and grief. I just wish the guy had enough huevos to tell you that it was only ever going to amount to this and this and this ... that way you would have a real choice entering into what turned out to be just an affair for him, rather than invest precious time in someone who had shxtty intentions ...
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 You just wasted 4 years of your life that could've been better served pursuing an honest and legitimate relationship. Why women fall for this, I will never know. Just as many OM fall into this trap too, so it isn't just one gender who allows themselves to get sucked in. Good for you that you now have your life back. Live life and be happy! And please, reach out to new OW on here who are about to make a huge wrong choice that's going to cause them so much pain.
despicableME Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Just as many OM fall into this trap too, so it isn't just one gender who allows themselves to get sucked in. Look... I think you took this the wrong way. I have no doubt OM get "sucked into" the lies also, but the majority of it happens to women. That is what I was referring to. The point I was trying to make was that this poor soul invested 4 years into this- 4 YEARS!!! I can understand if she was waiting in the wings a couple of months... maybe even a year... but, 4 years?!
alexandria35 Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Where is the venom? I don't understand why some people get ruffled up when I point-out the obvious. Maybe because pointing out the obvious is annoying and unneccesary. I mean, really... what did you expect to come from having an illicit affair? She wasted 4 f***ing years pursuing this, only to be crushed by it. What did she expect... the OM was going to get up and say, "Darling... we were meant to be together." C'mon! This is the reality of it- DEAL WITH IT!!! Did you read the whole post? She did deal with it. She also learned from it.
despicableME Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Yes, I did. Did you? Or did you miss this. He loved his wife and had three kids. And a great job in a profession where integrity really matters. What does that tell you??????
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Look... I think you took this the wrong way. I have no doubt OM get "sucked into" the lies also, but the majority of it happens to women. That is what I was referring to. The point I was trying to make was that this poor soul invested 4 years into this- 4 YEARS!!! I can understand if she was waiting in the wings a couple of months... maybe even a year... but, 4 years?! I know what you meant, I was just being a pain in the ass.. Four years is a long time, but I know of some OW who are still with their MM after 6+ years and STILL believe that one day he's leaving. Maybe OM wake up earlier?
2sunny Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 You just wasted 4 years of your life that could've been better served pursuing an honest and legitimate relationship. Why women fall for this, I will never know. There's no value in beating her up NOW! She said she learned from the past - there is. Aloe in that - and she's sharing that value here. Focusing on wasted time isn't productive - yet your post seems to "beat her down when she's just getting up" so to speak... I still say woo Hoo to the revelation of moving forward!
despicableME Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) I know of some OW who are still with their MM after 6+ years and STILL believe that one day he's leaving. Very sad, as there might be someone out there who can give them a true and honest relationship. Maybe OM wake up earlier? IDK... look at Daremo_06's situation. There's no value in beating her up NOW! She said she learned from the past - there is. Aloe in that - and she's sharing that value here. Focusing on wasted time isn't productive - yet your post seems to "beat her down when she's just getting up" so to speak... I still say woo Hoo to the revelation of moving forward! No doubt. And I apologize if I came off as insensitive. That was not my intention. It's just that some people around here don't like the cold hard facts. Edited February 18, 2012 by despicableME
SBC Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) After 4 years - yes, 4 years - of waiting on a man who promised me that he was working on the demise of his marriage and doing "everything he could" to make "us" an open reality, I have finally woken up. For the first year, the sex was great and I didn't want to be attached anyway. The second year, I fell in love and started needing more from him. The third year, he assured me that we would be married soon. The fourth year, his wife finally got the nerve to confront and enlighten me. I don't care who you are, how you feel, or how unique you think your situation is.... get out now. You are me in hindsight. My friends tried to tell me. Google tried to tell me. My therapist tried to tell me. But I would not believe that my married lover would intentionally drag me through hell. I made excuses for him...I lied for him...I compromised my integrity and self-worth for him. Only to end up alone. Yes, our relationship was unique. Truly. We have known each other since we were kids and we were sweethearts throughout junior high and high school. We were each other's first everything. After graduation, time and distance separated us and we married others. We met for lunch one day years later.... one hug, one kiss and all the love we had once known for each other came rushing back. We acknowledged that we each believed that we are soulmates and that we should be together. I was already divorced, but his situation was delicate. He loved his wife and had three kids. And a great job in a profession where integrity really matters. But...we were soulmates. And nothing was going to separate us ever again. So the next 4 years of my life were a series of loneliness, emptiness, bitterness, resentment and pain. He was never there when I had a death in my family, yet when his mom died he was surrounded by love - but not mine, because I was a dirty little secret. I didn't have anyone to dine or vacation with and sat home pissed off when he went on two week vacations with his wife and kids. I dread holidays so much that I don't even decorate anymore. I've spent the last 4 Thanksgiving and Christmas' alone. He did always manage to take me away for my birthday. My friends all said, "WAKE UP!" But I wouldn't. I know you are where I was or you wouldn't be reading this. I know you love him. I know you think he is different. I know you think he will leave her. I know I know I know. And my heart breaks for you. He won't. And you deserve better than being anyone's plan B. I get that you are hurting, but what I don't understand is how you can feel so passionate in your supposed understanding of what I (or anyone else) is feeling because if what you went through. You dont know anything about me. But I can tell you this, I have never, and will never, compromise my integrity and self-worth for any man, married or not. I also would not lie for, or make excuses for, anyone either. And I would never settle for being anyone's Plan B And in regards to your not having anyone to dine with or have holidays with --why the hell not? You have no friends, no family? And what are you expecting if you get your man, that all of a sudden he would become your everything? All the loneliness, emptiness, bitterness, resentment and pain that you talk about, do you really believe that all that would magically leave you if he were to walk away from his wife to be with you? I have seen these sort of comments before from OW --and I have never understood it. And the dirty little secret comment, don't get me started on that one. That is a victim mindset. After 4 years of active participation, you are hardly a victim. From the sound of it, your problems do not lie with the fact that he did not leave, your problems lie within yourself, so please save your breaking heart for yourself. Edited February 18, 2012 by SBC
sad puppy Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Hazelnutt, I for one appreciate your sharing of your experience and find hearing your story to be of value. Despicable me and sbc's comments violate this space as a safe harbor of sharing, venting, ... This is to be a space for us to share, teach others, give warnings, give comfort. Thank you for posting, I appreciate your point of view. Never mind the others, their judgmental comments and holier than thou attitudes are extremely unhelpful to all of us. Good luck to you, my dear, onward and upward!!! You are on a path to freedom, thanks for sharing. 4
Emme Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 *Emme hands Hazlenutt a pina colada* Congratulations darling.... Drink up! I'm sorry things did not work out as you guys planned but in the end it's all over. The healing process can begin and I love it when people have learned a lesson from a life experience. Keep your chin up and good luck when you decide to get out there and start dating again.
frozensprouts Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 oh ... i am so sorry you are hurting right now. You had a very long relationship and now it's over. it may not make you feel any better, but it sounds like you made the right choice for yourself that, even though it hurts like hell right now, will be much better for you in the long run. i hope you feel better soon
despicableME Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) Despicable me and sbc's comments violate this space as a safe harbor of sharing, venting, ... Could you please highlight where I violated this unspoken rule. There were no disparaging remarks on my part. I even apologized if it seemed I was being crass with my post. I've read your situation, and it falls right in line with Hazlenutt's experience. From my perspective, you're projecting. Just because you didn't get your "prize," doesn't make it wrong for others to point it out. SBC might be a jilted spouse, but I'm on the other side of the coin- I cheated. I don't go on feeling sorry for myself for the consequences of my choices. Although I didn't ponder my demise, I sure as hell don't lament the consequences. What I'm feeling is only a fraction of the hurt I've inflicted on the person I swore my vows to. How do you think she feels? She didn't sign up for the BS I put her through. Nothing compares to the hurt and pain she is feeling. Our BS's will never forget this. They will carry this for the rest of their lives, whether they chose to reconcile with us or divorce us. They are the innocent party in our web of lies and deceit. I realize that now... do you? I'm done with this thread. Edited February 18, 2012 by despicableME 4
MissBee Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I get that you are hurting, but what I don't understand is how you can feel so passionate in your supposed understanding of what I (or anyone else) is feeling because if what you went through. You dont know anything about me. But I can tell you this, I have never, and will never, compromise my integrity and self-worth for any man, married or not. I also would not lie for, or make excuses for, anyone either. And I would never settle for being anyone's Plan B And in regards to your not having anyone to dine with or have holidays with --why the hell not? You have no friends, no family? And what are you expecting if you get your man, that all of a sudden he would become your everything? All the loneliness, emptiness, bitterness, resentment and pain that you talk about, do you really believe that all that would magically leave you if he were to walk away from his wife to be with you? I have seen these sort of comments before from OW --and I have never understood it. And the dirty little secret comment, don't get me started on that one. That is a victim mindset. After 4 years of active participation, you are hardly a victim. From the sound of it, your problems do not lie with the fact that he did not leave, your problems lie within yourself, so please save your breaking heart for yourself. Really SBC? Your reaction to hazel's post seems quite personal..... Maybe Hazel does not know how you feel or felt, but I am sure someone can relate....and even reading LS there have been hundreds of hazels. So frankly, I feel your reaction to chastise her for saying she knows how some people feel seems to belie your own issues. You have said before what an independent OW you were and you have great self-esteem....well congrats for you. Some people will still question that assertion on your part and cross-examine if that is indeed true, especially since you take such offense to something that supposedly doesn't relate to you...if it is not your story, it doesn't take away from the fact that it is many others' stories. As an OW I did not wait around for years and years, neither did I do half of what some do...yet while the specifics are not the same I can still relate to some emotions expressed by OW. It seems curious why you are so angry at, for lack of a better term, "weak" OW and seem to try to distinguish yourself so much..... You said you did not have low self esteem and absolutely nothing was amiss why you had an A...kudos to you, and again that can also be put under thge microscope; however, it is a well-known reality that many many people who get into affairs do so for reasons that are not the healthiest, even if at the time they didn't realize this. I don't think Hazel is playing a victim, but merely expressing how one can allow emotions to consume you and you can live in a fog with regards to As (as well as other relationships). Most people, OW or not have experienced that and have been victims, not of another, but themselves. I think people should be free to express this and learn from it without someone pointing out that it was not their experience and pretty much telling them to shut up and go away. 1
MissBee Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Hazelnutt, I for one appreciate your sharing of your experience and find hearing your story to be of value. Despicable me and sbc's comments violate this space as a safe harbor of sharing, venting, ... This is to be a space for us to share, teach others, give warnings, give comfort. Thank you for posting, I appreciate your point of view. Never mind the others, their judgmental comments and holier than thou attitudes are extremely unhelpful to all of us. Good luck to you, my dear, onward and upward!!! You are on a path to freedom, thanks for sharing. I agree with this!
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