False Accusation.............

[Mme. Chaucer]

That's all well and good, but you also need to start associating with younger, attractive, single female friends.

 

That's only good advice if you want associating with younger single attractive members of the opposite sex - for BOTH of you - to be an accepted feature of your marriage.

 

If this is not what you BOTH want, then don't go there.

 

It doesn't sound like it would enhance your marriage - it sounds like it would be a destructive thing to do.

 

For the record, I am not in favor of married people putting themselves in temptation- riddled situations, and I believe it's the responsibility of a husband or a wife to handle themselves appropriately in this aspect.

Edited February 17, 2012 by Mme. Chaucer

[nofool4u]

Maybe I misread some earlier posts in the thread, but my impression was the accusation of cheating was a false alarm and that infidelity had been ruled out.

 

Yes? No?

 

No, not really. He doesn't know for sure, and the red flags are all over the place. And no offense to NavyVet, but I think the "ruling out" of her having, at the very least, a sexual attraction for this younger man, who she spends time alone with, is wishful thinking on his part.

 

The only way it can be "ruled out" is if all 3 of them sat down and wife and OM said, "hey, nothing is going on, but I can see how it might not be appropriate. From now on, we only will be in each other's precense when you are around"

 

Look at the facts that we do know:

 

Wife all of a sudden starts dolling herself up, is all of a sudden worried about her appearance

 

Wife spends time alone with a younger man, where I'm assuming H isn't invited.

 

When H merely wonders if there is something going on, mentioned it calmly once, then dropped it, wife now can't get over his feelings.

 

And again, when a wife all of a sudden decides to change her appearance and works on being more attractive, it usually isn't for the benefit of the husband which she has been married to for 20+ years.

Edited February 17, 2012 by nofool4u

[xxoo]

And again, when a wife all of a sudden decides to change her appearance and works on being more attractive, it usually isn't for the benefit of the husband which she has been married to for 20+ years.

 

And sometimes it is.

 

When my youngest got out of the "baby" stage, and my size stabililized (no more pregnancies), I invested in some nicer clothes. I also started growing my hair long again (hard to keep that hair out of baby's hands....), and taking some time to play with make up. I'd guess a lot of women sacrifice little luxuries (hair appts, good make up and clothes, etc) when their children are young, and then enjoy those things again as children grow.

[carhill]

OP, has there been an inappropriate association in your past, whether covert or overt, while married? That would describe an affair or association which, if in front of your spouse, she would disapprove of.

 

Something about her and 'forgetting' caused my canary to gasp a bit.

 

ETA, until you reach 30 days and 100 posts, you can pay a couple bucks, subscribe and have full PM privileges

Edited February 17, 2012 by carhill

[Almond_Joy]

It really bugs me that a couple of you seem determined to convince NavyVet not to trust his wife.

 

Looking back at his posts, I can understand a younger man oggling his wife making him uncomfortable. Being that he's claimed himself to be a little jealous and insecure, I can also understand why his wife would become desensitized to his worries over a period of time. Unless his wife has responded to the overtures, there is no justifiable reason for him to worry. She's attractive, men are going to look at her. She shouldn't have to hide herself or stop associating with a male family friend if the association is appropriate/respectful of her marriage.

 

What is NavyVet hanging about with younger single women - simply because they are young and single - supposed to accomplish? That's a tit-for-tat strategy, and it's petulant.

 

NavyVet, Has your wife ever objected to you having younger female friends? And besides this family friend, does she have younger male friends that she hangs out with often? Also, I've seen nothing of NavyVet's posts that suggests the traveling arrangments his wife was making for that political rally was some cross-country trip, or a long road trip alone with the family friend. Was that the case, NavyVet? And were you specifically advised that you aren't invited to come along? I agree that more detail of that situation would help people to give a more well-rounded opinion. I'm just taking what you've said at face value.

 

If your wife has objected to you having younger female friends, and/or hangs out regularly with single male friends, that would validate some of your insecurity, and I'd be more sympathetic to the perspective that she is not giving proper respect to your concern. As it stands, from what you've said, that is not the case.

 

Also, he has stated in several of his recent posts that he does trust his wife, that he is sure without a doubt that he never had a justifiable reason to think she was cheating. So saying that he is still having doubts is a lie, and continuing to suggest things for him to scrutinize to "find evidence" of her alleged possible infidelity is only serving to undermine the stability of their marriage.

 

 

And it's perfectly sensible for a happily committed woman to be motivated enough - solely by her love for her husband and love of herself - to undergo a significant personality change. She doesn't have to want another man or be interested in other men to make that kind of change.

 

 

Also, I am not familiar with the effects of hormone therapy specifically, but I can say from other experiences involving hormone fluctuations that tampering with hormones can cause dramatic personality changes. Some women are more responsive to changes than others, and a side effect of the therapy may very well be that she is more emotionally sensitive now...hence the prolonged recovery time from the insult.

 

I sympathize that the lack of a sex life after so much increased sexual activity is a hard adjustment for you. A month is a long time to go without sex, especially when you're used to 2 - 3 times a month. She may still be mad, but I don't think you'd be out of line for pointing out that sexual intimacy is an important part of the marriage for you, and you don't really feel like you're in a marriage without it. I would hope that prompts her to put aside her anger and work on trusting you and feeling comfortable enough with you again to resume. If she can't get over it enough to even talk to you about it or consider it, then there's a problem on her end she needs to work out. She does need to recognize that this is a legitimate need for you.

 

It's very encouraging to hear that she has agreed to try to work through her anger - hopefully that "give" you're looking for will happen sooner than later.

[NavyVet]

It really bugs me that a couple of you seem determined to convince NavyVet not to trust his wife.

 

Looking back at his posts, I can understand a younger man oggling his wife making him uncomfortable. Being that he's claimed himself to be a little jealous and insecure, I can also understand why his wife would become desensitized to his worries over a period of time. Unless his wife has responded to the overtures, there is no justifiable reason for him to worry. She's attractive, men are going to look at her. She shouldn't have to hide herself or stop associating with a male family friend if the association is appropriate/respectful of her marriage.

 

What is NavyVet hanging about with younger single women - simply because they are young and single - supposed to accomplish? That's a tit-for-tat strategy, and it's petulant.

 

NavyVet, Has your wife ever objected to you having younger female friends? And besides this family friend, does she have younger male friends that she hangs out with often? Also, I've seen nothing of NavyVet's posts that suggests the traveling arrangments his wife was making for that political rally was some cross-country trip, or a long road trip alone with the family friend. Was that the case, NavyVet? And were you specifically advised that you aren't invited to come along? I agree that more detail of that situation would help people to give a more well-rounded opinion. I'm just taking what you've said at face value.

 

If your wife has objected to you having younger female friends, and/or hangs out regularly with single male friends, that would validate some of your insecurity, and I'd be more sympathetic to the perspective that she is not giving proper respect to your concern. As it stands, from what you've said, that is not the case.

 

Also, he has stated in several of his recent posts that he does trust his wife, that he is sure without a doubt that he never had a justifiable reason to think she was cheating. So saying that he is still having doubts is a lie, and continuing to suggest things for him to scrutinize to "find evidence" of her alleged possible infidelity is only serving to undermine the stability of their marriage.

 

 

And it's perfectly sensible for a happily committed woman to be motivated enough - solely by her love for her husband and love of herself - to undergo a significant personality change. She doesn't have to want another man or be interested in other men to make that kind of change.

 

 

Also, I am not familiar with the effects of hormone therapy specifically, but I can say from other experiences involving hormone fluctuations that tampering with hormones can cause dramatic personality changes. Some women are more responsive to changes than others, and a side effect of the therapy may very well be that she is more emotionally sensitive now...hence the prolonged recovery time from the insult.

 

I sympathize that the lack of a sex life after so much increased sexual activity is a hard adjustment for you. A month is a long time to go without sex, especially when you're used to 2 - 3 times a month. She may still be mad, but I don't think you'd be out of line for pointing out that sexual intimacy is an important part of the marriage for you, and you don't really feel like you're in a marriage without it. I would hope that prompts her to put aside her anger and work on trusting you and feeling comfortable enough with you again to resume. If she can't get over it enough to even talk to you about it or consider it, then there's a problem on her end she needs to work out. She does need to recognize that this is a legitimate need for you.

 

It's very encouraging to hear that she has agreed to try to work through her anger - hopefully that "give" you're looking for will happen sooner than later.

 

Honestly, I have NEVER put myself in the situation where I was around the opposite sex, alone, on any occasion. LOOKING to hang around a younger, single female is NOT an option that I am willing to pursue. Not a big 'get back at ya' type of guy.

 

The young man in question in my earlier posts is ALWAYS with someone when he is around us, NEVER alone with my wife. And again, she has never seen him looking because when the ogling is taking place, her back is always turned.

 

And the 'give' did happen last night............after the apology/forgiveness on BOTH our parts!! Yes, she is still hurt by what I said (know it will take some time and effort on my part) and we both agreed that we will work on it together, no more Lone Ranger stuff. We are a team, always have been!

[Almond_Joy]

Honestly, I have NEVER put myself in the situation where I was around the opposite sex, alone, on any occasion. LOOKING to hang around a younger, single female is NOT an option that I am willing to pursue. Not a big 'get back at ya' type of guy.

 

The young man in question in my earlier posts is ALWAYS with someone when he is around us, NEVER alone with my wife. And again, she has never seen him looking because when the ogling is taking place, her back is always turned.

 

And the 'give' did happen last night............after the apology/forgiveness on BOTH our parts!! Yes, she is still hurt by what I said (know it will take some time and effort on my part) and we both agreed that we will work on it together, no more Lone Ranger stuff. We are a team, always have been!

 

 

Oooo. I saw that post, but didn't get that that was the milestone of you two meeting in the middle that you were looking for. Awesome! Good luck then .

[nofool4u]

It really bugs me that a couple of you seem determined to convince NavyVet not to trust his wife.

 

I'm not suggesting anything of the sort. I'm throwing up to him that what she is doing is inappropriate at the least.

 

Everything he is telling us has been widely known to be red flags when someone is cheating, or at least out to get validation from the opposite sex.

 

Does this mean she is cheating? No. But common sense tells me she is at least looking for validation.

 

 

Unless his wife has responded to the overtures, there is no justifiable reason for him to worry.

 

Spending time alone with a younger, attractive man, and planning trips with him is okie doke?

 

 

She's attractive, men are going to look at her.

 

Thats not the problem.

 

 

She shouldn't have to hide herself or stop associating with a male family friend if the association is appropriate/respectful of her marriage.

 

That, as stated above, is not the problem. Its the KIND of associations she has with a male friend. Just being friends in general isn't a problem.

 

Do you think going off somewhere with the other man without her husband is respecting the marriage?

 

 

What is NavyVet hanging about with younger single women - simply because they are young and single - supposed to accomplish? That's a tit-for-tat strategy, and it's petulant.

 

I have never suggested he do that. It would be just as disrespectful to his wife as she is being to him.

 

 

And it's perfectly sensible for a happily committed woman to be motivated enough - solely by her love for her husband and love of herself - to undergo a significant personality change. She doesn't have to want another man or be interested in other men to make that kind of change.

 

Again, not saying this is the case, but more times than not, a sudden change in lifestyle and appearance is rarely for the benefit of the spouse.

 

That coupled with spending time with a younger member of the opposite sex, at the very least, throws up a red flag.

 

Again, a red flag, not saying this is her motivation.

[nofool4u]

The young man in question in my earlier posts is ALWAYS with someone when he is around us, NEVER alone with my wife.

 

Ok, this is where I have to jump on you a little. Dammit NV, you need to say these things. You leave us thinking that she is alone with him, such as traveling arrangements to some political rally. It sounds odd because you are not giving much to go on, and what you do give us throws red flags.

 

SO, if we now understand you correctly, she has NEVER been alone with him, and she is NOT going somewhere alone with him to these political events, correct?

 

If the answer is yes, then don't worry about it.