False Accusation.............

[NavyVet]

Is it too late? I don't think so at all as long as that was the one time conversation you had with her and it was dropped after that.

 

But again, her thoughts of not wanting to leave meant she HAS thought about leaving. So something is odd. If what you stated was all that was said, nobody thinks they are going to leave over a one time incident like that...unless there IS something to your insinuation.

 

Not saying this is the case. But something not quite right.

 

It is odd to me as well. Thought I knew this person REALLY well. Maybe I don't know her as well as I thought I did..............

[oldguy]

It is odd to me as well. Thought I knew this person REALLY well. Maybe I don't know her as well as I thought I did..............

 

After 20 years & a sudden change including what you noticed as inconsistent behavior after hormone therapy I really don't think it's a matter of you not knowing her.

It seems pretty clear, isn't your counselor all over this?

 

Who is monitoring this hormone therapy?

[Trimmer]

She wants to leave over a one time accusation? Hmmm, I don't know. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to rile you up, but if she even had a fleeting thought of leaving for a one time accusation, maybe there is something to it.

 

But again, what was the reason for accusing her?

Yeah, also don't want to stir up things - if there's nothing there - but all through reading down the thread, I'm thinking: we're in the dark here. Unless you tell us more detail about the lead up to the "conversation", etc. then we can't usefully comment. For example:

 

The conversation went something like this (exact words)......

 

Me: "it's not like I am accusing you of sleeping with him"

Her: "that's what it sounds like to me"

 

That was it. Nothing more was said.

"Him?" Who is he? If you're using the word "him", that means you are talking about someone in particular. Who is that, and what's the backstory?

 

I suspect there's more than your telling...

....and if that's the case, we are just taking stabs in the dark in trying to help you.

[NavyVet]

Somebody shoot me a PM...........don't feel comfortable exposing all the gory details.......

[Afishwithabike]

Somebody shoot me a PM...........don't feel comfortable exposing all the gory details.......

 

You can't PM at Loveshack until you have 100 posts.

[oldguy]

You can't PM at Loveshack until you have 100 posts.

 

Thanx, I was wandering why.

[NavyVet]

Just found that out to..............

[NavyVet]

Yeah, also don't want to stir up things - if there's nothing there - but all through reading down the thread, I'm thinking: we're in the dark here. Unless you tell us more detail about the lead up to the "conversation", etc. then we can't usefully comment. For example:

 

 

"Him?" Who is he? If you're using the word "him", that means you are talking about someone in particular. Who is that, and what's the backstory?

 

 

....and if that's the case, we are just taking stabs in the dark in trying to help you.

 

Need to think about what to say and not to say...............

[Trimmer]

Need to think about what to say and not to say...............

Understood. I wouldn't encourage you to push beyond whatever boundary you are comfortable with, and I do encourage you to be extremely careful to maintain your anonymity.

 

Just realize that the quality of the advice and comments you get - and how applicable they are to your particular circumstance - is immensely dependent on the amount of pertinent information you are able to provide as a background for your situation.

 

It makes a difference if you just blurted out an accusation out of nowhere, vs. if there is some kind of background that led up to this.

 

If there is a "him" involved that you two were discussing, that's a very pertinent piece of information.

 

So it's up to you, but if you provide only a generic, isolated question - "what if I wrongly accused my wife of cheating", then we can only give generic answers, isolated to that question, and not coupled very closely to your own real-life situation. Or maybe even worse, each person who responds will assume things about your situation that may or may not apply, without any guidance or background from you, and you'll get answers spread all over the place (even more than usual!)

Edited February 15, 2012 by Trimmer

[NavyVet]

Understood. I wouldn't encourage you to push beyond whatever boundary you are comfortable with, and I do encourage you to be extremely careful to maintain your anonymity.

 

Just realize that the quality of the advice and comments you get - and how applicable they are to your particular circumstance - is immensely dependent on the amount of pertinent information you are able to provide as a background for your situation.

 

It makes a difference if you just blurted out an accusation out of nowhere, vs. if there is some kind of background that led up to this.

 

If there is a "him" involved that you two were discussing, that's a very pertinent piece of information.

 

So it's up to you, but if you provide only a generic, isolated question - "what if I wrongly accused my wife of cheating", then we can only give generic answers, isolated to that question, and not coupled very closely to your own real-life situation. Or maybe even worse, each person who responds will assume things about your situation that may or may not apply, without any guidance or background from you, and you'll get answers spread all over the place (even more than usual!)

 

The 'him' was a friend of the family that is her junior in age. No job, no way to support anything, he just spent time with our family and is fun to be around. Nothing more. He is not a specific friend to anyone in the family (wife included) but to all.

 

Bottom line, the way that he was checking out my wife without her knowing about it made me really uncomfortable. I talked to her about it several times, but the end result of the discussion seemed to end in 'you are being jealous and you have no need to be, stop it!'. Easier said than done.

 

The kicker was some e-mails that they (my wife and 'him') were sharing together. Nothing inappropriate, just setting up some meeting dates for a political rally and transportation requirements. I felt that it was inappropriate for my wife to be doing such..........she did not think the same way.

 

Three weekends ago when this all happened, I made and insinuation, NOT an accusal (sadly, she took it as an accusation).

 

We talked for a little while last night and again, she indicated that she does not want our marriage to end, she just wants the insecurity and jealousy to end. It has, I can assure you that. But the fact remains is that for the time being, I am living with a 'roommate', not a wife. Don't know how long I can put up with that.................

[oldguy]

This all happened 3 weeks ago & you've already scheduled some therapy? or where you in therapy & included this. Jealousy may go into remission but it generally doesn't go from all on to all off that quickly. Are you normally the jealous type?

 

Also, the issue here sounds like; how she took what you said even though you didn't mean it that way, look at it from her point of view & don't dismiss how she, or anyone "feels", that is theirs & that is the core of the problem you first posted.

[NavyVet]

This all happened 3 weeks ago & you've already scheduled some therapy? or where you in therapy & included this. Jealousy may go into remission but it generally doesn't go from all on to all off that quickly. Are you normally the jealous type?

 

Also, the issue here sounds like; how she took what you said even though you didn't mean it that way, look at it from her point of view & don't dismiss how she, or anyone "feels", that is theirs & that is the core of the problem you first posted.

 

Yes, I have already had a therapy session and the techniques that were given to me in our first meeting have already started to help.

 

So basically, what you are saying, is that she will need time to get over this. Not that I want it fixed right now (although that would be ideal) what should I do in the meantime? What people have told me, therapist included, is to give her one sign of affection everyday (have been doing that and she is receptive) and to give her some space. What do you think??

 

I have always been a 'little' jealous, but NOTHING like this. I have always joked with her that I married over my head. She is absolutely stunning. She gets many looks and up until the last couple of months, that really never bothered me that much..............

[oldguy]

Yes, I have already had a therapy session and the techniques that were given to me in our first meeting have already started to help.

 

So basically, what you are saying, is that she will need time to get over this. Not that I want it fixed right now (although that would be ideal) what should I do in the meantime? What people have told me, therapist included, is to give her one sign of affection everyday (have been doing that and she is receptive) and to give her some space. What do you think??

I think your therapist is far more in touch with your situation & you should first listen to him/her. I think that relationships need constant attention & too many of us grow complacent & forget that until something happens. That is why I told you early on I thought this was a wake up call. I also think that eventually the two of you may want to consider seeing a relationship therapist every now & then just to get a professional, third persons view. I think that is good for everyone btw.

 

I have always been a 'little' jealous, but NOTHING like this. I have always joked with her that I married over my head. She is absolutely stunning. She gets many looks and up until the last couple of months, that really never bothered me that much..............

As guys we've all married, over our heads:D

[nofool4u]

Somebody shoot me a PM...........don't feel comfortable exposing all the gory details.......

 

Gory details? So there IS more to this than you merely bringing it up just once and that it isn't just insecurities on your part.

 

She has done things to make you not trust her right? She partying? Staying out late? Doing the unacceptable "girls night out" bulls**t?

[NavyVet]

Gory details? So there IS more to this than you merely bringing it up just once and that it isn't just insecurities on your part.

 

She has done things to make you not trust her right? She partying? Staying out late? Doing the unacceptable "girls night out" bulls**t?

 

Primarily jealousy and insecurity on my part. We have 7 children.........she does not have TIME to mess around. I know that now............way too late!

 

She has started dressing better (a little more trendy), wearing a little more makeup, working out, and our intimacy has been fabulous up until last week:(. This 'new' change was WAY out of the norm for what I had been used to over the last 19 years and it produced some severe insecurity and unfounded jealousy that did not need to be there.

[quankanne]

Your wife has all the red flags of a cheater. Your accusation wasn't false, it was your gut/intuition speaking to you.

 

this is complete and utter tripe. Don't pay attention, because here's the bald truth: When a woman hits her 40s, she comes into her own. She's made peace with the fact that she's not perfect, but it's still okay to love herself. And when that happens, her sexuality takes a billion percent jump (factor in all your kids, and her esteem goes up even more because she no longer identifies herself as just "mama," but somebody's "hot mamí" ... YOUR hot mamí).

 

now ... if she's stuck with you this far because she loves you and she loves how you love her, trust me, because she's a smart woman, she's not going to shxtcan you because there is nobody else can top what you bring to her life. Especially on the sexual end.

 

women see sex in terms of emotional satisfaction, and if you've been providing the goods in that area, you'll prolly have to gnaw your arm off to get rid of her because she's not going to let you go. Nobody "gets" her the way you do, so why should she screw up something good?

 

I understand the jealousy part, but it isn't necessary. If she wants you, you're pretty much a marked man! So revel in what she's bringing to the table, because it's intended solely for you.

[Spark1111]

Your wife has all the red flags of a cheater. Your accusation wasn't false, it was your gut/intuition speaking to you.

 

this is complete and utter tripe. Don't pay attention, because here's the bald truth: When a woman hits her 40s, she comes into her own. She's made peace with the fact that she's not perfect, but it's still okay to love herself. And when that happens, her sexuality takes a billion percent jump (factor in all your kids, and her esteem goes up even more because she no longer identifies herself as just "mama," but somebody's "hot mamí" ... YOUR hot mamí).

 

now ... if she's stuck with you this far because she loves you and she loves how you love her, trust me, because she's a smart woman, she's not going to shxtcan you because there is nobody else can top what you bring to her life. Especially on the sexual end.

 

women see sex in terms of emotional satisfaction, and if you've been providing the goods in that area, you'll prolly have to gnaw your arm off to get rid of her because she's not going to let you go. Nobody "gets" her the way you do, so why should she screw up something good?

 

I understand the jealousy part, but it isn't necessary. If she wants you, you're pretty much a marked man! So revel in what she's bringing to the table, because it's intended solely for you.

 

Thank GOD another woman has finally chimed in!

 

Your wife is going through the classic female mid-life crisis! SEVEN kids? Seven?

 

Do you truly have any idea how exhausting and debilitating

mothering 7 children are?

 

I think not.

 

We wake up at 40. 45. 50, and wonder where the hell are youth and beauty went.

 

We do NOT buy a sports car, hang out in bars and start cruising chicks.

 

We hit the gym, try to get our youthful body back (she did) and try to regain our sexuality back, hopefully with the man we are in love with. (Four orgasms?)

 

You deeply insulted her with your accusations. She is very vulnerable right now and she is thinking WTH?

 

Stop thinking like a man. Tell her how gorgeous she is, ravish her like you did when you first met, flirt with her, date her, praise her, RESPECT her.

 

Because if you don't, she will look for someone else who does.

 

Your wife exemplifies the female mid-life crisis. She needs attention, flattery and appreciation for being a beautiful woman.

 

Don't blow this by being insecure and jealous.

[NavyVet]

Your wife has all the red flags of a cheater. Your accusation wasn't false, it was your gut/intuition speaking to you.

 

this is complete and utter tripe. Don't pay attention, because here's the bald truth: When a woman hits her 40s, she comes into her own. She's made peace with the fact that she's not perfect, but it's still okay to love herself. And when that happens, her sexuality takes a billion percent jump (factor in all your kids, and her esteem goes up even more because she no longer identifies herself as just "mama," but somebody's "hot mamí" ... YOUR hot mamí).

 

now ... if she's stuck with you this far because she loves you and she loves how you love her, trust me, because she's a smart woman, she's not going to shxtcan you because there is nobody else can top what you bring to her life. Especially on the sexual end.

 

women see sex in terms of emotional satisfaction, and if you've been providing the goods in that area, you'll prolly have to gnaw your arm off to get rid of her because she's not going to let you go. Nobody "gets" her the way you do, so why should she screw up something good?

 

I understand the jealousy part, but it isn't necessary. If she wants you, you're pretty much a marked man! So revel in what she's bringing to the table, because it's intended solely for you.

 

Sadly, her drive has finally caught up to mine. Only took 19 years, but it is here. Before this mess happened, all I had to do was look at her and the bedroom door was locked!!!!

 

I have heard all my life trust your gut. Well, this time, my gut was wrong. And she IS letting me know about it in a painful way!!!

[quankanne]

how much is your own backstory coloring your "advice" to this poor guy?

 

Because it's very, very jaded, and refuses to take into account certain realities of human biological nature ... like the fact that women peak in their 40s, while men sexually peak in their late teens into their 20s. I'm just sharing what that reality is from this end of the road, how women wake up to their sexuality, and that if they're in an already healthy, loving relationship, they want to share it with their partner, not someone new who's sniffing around.

 

Sadly, her drive has finally caught up to mine. Only took 19 years, but it is here. Before this mess happened, all I had to do was look at her and the bedroom door was locked!!!! lucky girl!

 

I have heard all my life trust your gut. Well, this time, my gut was wrong. it's understandable, especially when you don't have anything to reference this to except what you read or hear about. Still, the best thing you can do for the both of you is to figure out how to communicate better. Marriage enrichment, counseling, etc ~ all those things give you the tools to help understand each other better. The good news is that it sounds like she really does have a vested interested in your relationship, namely loving you and being loved in return. Yes, that kind of talk hurts, no matter who it comes from, but I guarantee you'll get back on track. Maybe a good way to do it is to recognize this "new" her and let her know how much you appreciate it. Others' attention might be flattering, but she needs to hear this from you, because she's got this relationship with you.

[Stung]

LargePart could be right. However, since he seems to be completely missing, misunderstanding, or deliberately ignoring the part where the OP clearly stated that the wife in question had low libido and energy for years because of a hormone problem, and she just recently had her hormone problem fixed and has made changes in her life that medically and psychologically correspond to a hormone fluctuation...well, it's hard to take his absolute certitude very seriously.

 

By the way, we haven't seen you in a while, troggle/vestal/etc. How many names are you up to now?

[NavyVet]

I imagine about the same as anyone else's. The difference between you and me is that you are telling him to ignore objective signs that very clearly indicate his wife is having an affair--the cause of his "gut feelings." You know, you and spark said something very telling about OP's wife without even realizing it--you both basically said she's already deep in the throws of a mid life crisis, and that if OP doesn't stroke her ego in just the right way, he should expect her to cheat on him. If that is what you think of her character, then obviously she could well have already cheated on him.

 

Bottom line is here there is a clearly identified affair partner, and OP's wife is sacrificing her relationship with her husband to continue the relationship with her young male friend. If there's no affair and she cares about the marriage, then she should go No Contact with the young friend. Except OP is afraid to insist that she do so.

 

 

 

The reality that she will cheat if he doesn't feed her ego the right way? You're not saying she's not a cheater--you're saying if she DOES cheat, then somehow she's JUSTIFIED!!! Because OP didn't do the right thing--he didn't stroke her ego, he didn't tell her she was beautiful, he was too jealous--those are all justifications for cheating? Only to a gaslighter.

 

By the way speaking of backstories--I imagine you're here either because you were either 1) the cheater or 2) cheated upon. Either way you can't honestly claim that you don't know full well that OP's wife is exhibiting MANY signs indicating his wife is unfaithful, either physically, emotionally, or both.

 

The problem is you must be a middle-aged woman yourself, and identify with the OP's spouse. She couldn't possibly be a cheater, well, because she's a middle aged woman just like you? Or--she's justified somehow? Sorry but it IS possible, just like it's possible that you/your spouse was a cheater.

 

 

 

 

Fine. Then why isn't she sharing it with her partner any longer? An honest non cheating woman wouldn't be mad that her husband got jealous over an imaginary boyfriend--she'd be HAPPY that she could "stimulate" his attention that way! That is, if her intent was to be all sexy for her husband and NOT for a lover.

 

If she's not interested in the new man, then it's easy enough to get rid of him. She can just tell him to go away and leave her alone. Right?

 

 

 

 

 

It's really sad that she deprived her husband of the amount of sex he wanted for their entire marriage and only decided to become really sexualized when stimulated by either the actuality or the desire of an affair with a new, young stud.

 

 

 

 

 

There's plenty of threads right here and other websites with women acting like OPs wife who ended up being cheaters but the husband just didn't want to face up to it. So rather than having a chance to fix the marriage the wife just got deeper into the affair, blaming the husband and him blaming himself, until the marriage was completely unfixable.

 

Sorry if your husband cheated on you but that doesn't give you any right to mislead OP to make him go through some extreme pain so you can vicariously get back at your husband. OP didn't cheat on you, your husband did. Or, you did on your husband. I don't know which but it was one or the other, right?

 

 

 

 

This is ridiculous given that you are obviously a long time poster here. His wife needs to go NO contact of any kind with the young stud. At a minimum she is obviously at least in a deep emotional affair with the young stud and you are WELL AWARE of that. You can try to blame it on the husband's lack of attention but that doesn't change the fact that she has to go No Contact with the third party to have any chance of fixing this.

 

 

 

 

She needs to go No Contact with her boyfriend. She doesn't need "flattering", she's not some immature little child. She's a married woman and she needs to start acting like one.

 

Or is she?

 

You are right, she is NOT acting like a married woman. A married woman with 7 kids no less.

 

Sadly, I am quite sure that nothing was or is going on. But the signs WERE there. In a fit of anger, I said something that I shouldn't have without a little more investigation!

 

For the first 19 years of our marriage, I WAS the sex instigator. Maybe 2 or 3 times a month. That is what I could expect. I had grown to accept that this was the way it was going to be. Well, after a little hormone treatment (took about 2 years) and all of a sudden, we are up to 2 or 3 times a day! C'mon, that made me wonder. Who wouldn't?

 

Again, the signs were there, taking a little more time with the appearance, snappier wardrobe, exercising, and the increased libido (although, I have heard that DECREASED libido is actually a more telltale sign). I did not want to believe that the person that I had shared my bed with all these years could do that to me. And she did NOT. I know that now. But the damage has been done...........got some damage control to do. But still, she should take some of the responsibility, yes??

[happyme]

Hi there NavyVet,

 

Sorry to hear about your situation. I am a woman, married, not been cheated on and not cheated or cheating. I'm responding simply because, while I often browse these threads out of pure nosey female interest and have never posted before, (see edit) I feel the urge to now. Why? Well, because I must say that LargeParts - while perhaps a little blunt - makes some very valid points which I cannot help but agree with.

 

I adore my husband, if/when he ever expresses a concern over my dealings/interaction with another man this is my reaction:

 

- I am happy that he still cares

- I do all I can to re-assure him that his fears are groundless

- I back that up by taking whatever appropriate action there is to take, whatever that may be.

 

There is nothing and nobody that would make me deviate from those reactions. This is because I adore my husband.

 

If, however, I was a little bored, fed-up etc whatever, and I was interested in somebody else then this would invite an entirely different reaction, and I can imagine that deflecting that guilt by 'gaslighting' as it appears to be called is a very common one.

 

He may be blunt, but I as a woman still must credit LargeParts with some basic common sense which I suggest the OP takes note of. Also, he may be wrong, but what he says is worth listening to.

Edited February 16, 2012 by happyme
Edit: oops thought I had posted in a different sub-section before. Sorry, see now it's the same one.

[quankanne]

you know what, Large Part? You're right. Every woman who has ever made the decision to act on her sexuality does so because she cheats. Or intends to cheat. Because all women are sluts, in their basic nature. In particular, OP's wife stepping up her activity with her husband is clear proof of this, because she's a hormone-raging, lying, cheating witch who needs to get "it" every possible chance she can from him since she's got her studly young lover on her mind and can't be with him because she's stuck in a relationship with a dumbass who'll never appreciate her. Add to the fact that she's been busted for cheating on him because she's angry about an innocent comment he made, and that she waited so long to get her hormones "in order" so she'd put out more than 2-3 times a month for the jealous jackass she married ... why, she deserves a special hell! :rolleyes:

 

obviously, you've never been in a healthy, long-term relationship, because all the crap you're spouting shows just how ignorant your assumptions are in this particular case. Unless you've had a passel of kids, you cannot understand how being a mother totally overrides any feeling of sexuality she may have, and her primary relationship (that with the father of your children) gets shoved aside because their needs are greater than either parent. Unless you're a woman of a certain age, you cannot understand the whole dynamic of female sexuality or why women's libido seems to blossom at middle age and it's a brand new game within that relationship. Unless you've been in what you feel has been otherwise a loving, healthy relationship with someone you've loved and have been committed to, a comment like his is very offensive.

 

you know what they say: Just because something is possible, doesn't mean it's probable. In this case, I'm guessing that insecurity and jealousy and ignorance led to some pretty hurtful conclusions about his wife, and now he's hard-pressed to figure out how this happened because things have really changed, and he doesn't like that ...

 

however, this is neither yours nor my case to solve: It's up to this long-time husband to decide whether he believes in his marriage or not, and to act accordingly. If he's convinced she's lying and cheating, he needs to shxtcan her because no one deserves to be stuck in that kind of relationship. If he's confused, he needs to consider the relationship from all aspects and draw conclusions. If he feels he's made a mistake in falsely accusing her because he misinterpreted what's going on, he needs to figure out how to get things back to working between the two of them. And that takes improved communication skills.

[Mme. Chaucer]

LargeParts, you are the meanest troll that ever trolls these boards.

[quankanne]

I adore my husband, if/when he ever expresses a concern over my dealings/interaction with another man this is my reaction ...

 

nicely said. However, she's never given him cause to doubt her fidelity, and given the fact that they've had the normal marriage of a couple with children (sex, but never as often as he wants), his suspicions of that fidelity just because she's now got her hormones in working order is a slap in the face to anyone who is innocent. I mean, aren't you offended when someone insists you're doing them wrong because they are insecure about whatever changes affect his/her life, even though those changes are intended to benefit that person? OP doesn't say why his wife chose to get her hormone levels back to where they needed to be, but surely he's a bright enough guy to understand what sort of response hormone therapy brings about?

 

I think this all goes back to his jealous/suspicious nature. If she's a proven cheat, then there's something to base his accusations on. But if she isn't ...? How do you reconcile an accusation that has no basis? Because I guarantee, she's hurt that he'd even put that out there, and her response is very, very normal in this case. Is it actually about cheating, or is it about being unhappy because you've mistaken the situation and you don't like having to admit that? Not that I'm picking on OP, just pointing out human nature ...