False Accusation.............

[happyme]

I am not saying I think she's cheating, only that the content of LP's post, taken on it's own merit, does speak some sense imo. However, I must say I've since read more of his posts and they seem to be hell bent on accusing women of cheating, which is simply crazy. Of course I have no idea what the OP's actual situation is, it could be one of several. Gut reaction though, is important, unless you know yourself to panic as a habit, but in a one-off case it should be given a voice and explored. My advice would be to try and stay calm, continue to err on the side of trust yet keep your eyes and mind open. With the info the OP currently seems to have it would be unwise to jump to conclusions, both one way or the other.

[NavyVet]

I am not saying I think she's cheating, only that the content of LP's post, taken on it's own merit, does speak some sense imo. However, I must say I've since read more of his posts and they seem to be hell bent on accusing women of cheating, which is simply crazy. Of course I have no idea what the OP's actual situation is, it could be one of several. Gut reaction though, is important, unless you know yourself to panic as a habit, but in a one-off case it should be given a voice and explored. My advice would be to try and stay calm, continue to err on the side of trust yet keep your eyes and mind open. With the info the OP currently seems to have it would be unwise to jump to conclusions, both one way or the other.

 

I have heard many say "trust your gut". Unfortunately in this situation, my gut was not correct.

 

She WAS displaying typical signs..........drastic (IMO, nothing revealing, just really different from what she was wearing) change in clothing, more outgoing and carefree, taking a little more time in the mirror, scheduling breast augmentation, and the big one, libido. I have 'heard' that increase in libido (HUGE increase in our case) can be a sign of guilt. Is that right? Seems backwards to me.

 

Anyway, I have been dealing with these anxious and paranoid feelings for about six months now. I have started therapy to hopefully help. Need to start living for today and forget about what has happened in the past and what will happen in the future...........

[nofool4u]

She has started dressing better (a little more trendy), wearing a little more makeup, working out

 

 

Again, not to rile you up, but those are all red flags for cheating.

 

Ask yourself, why is she doing all these things? I can tell you, its rarely for the benefit of their husbands.

 

 

and our intimacy has been fabulous up until last week:(.

 

Oh my cheating x-wife also had more sex with me when she was cheating too, or more to the point, when she was in between her side tube steaks.

 

This 'new' change was WAY out of the norm for what I had been used to over the last 19 years and it produced some severe insecurity and unfounded jealousy that did not need to be there.

 

It may just be a case of unwarranted jealousy. But the dressing better, working out, wanting to look really good, again, its rarely for the benefit of the husband. Its so others will take notice.

 

And I don't want to hear any women say, "maybe she is doing it for herself".

[NavyVet]

Has your wife agreed to terminate any contact with the male "family friend"? What she needs to explain to you is why she feels that relationship with him is more important than your marriage.

 

She has not.............and THAT is what started this mess in the first place!! He is a friend of my oldest child (son) and is never alone with anyone........I DO know that for a fact!

[standtall]

Navyvet...another navy vet here. From what I have read here, your situation sounds pretty serious..either she has is already cheating, or is gearing up to. If it is the later case, find out what her language of love is and start using it. Find that man in yourself that she fell in love with 20 yrs ago and re-awaken it. If it is the former, steel yourself for a bumpy flight.

[NavyVet]

It doesn't sound like she has provided any explanation of why her relationship with someone who is not even her own friend--someone who is supposedly a peer of your son--is more important than her marriage to you.

 

This should be very easy for her to drop this "friend." Even if she wants to claim total innocence of intent on her part--which I would not believe for a second--she did not fall off the turnip truck yesterday. Surely she realizes the only possible reason for a single unemployed peer of her son to be wasting any time around her is he hopes to get "lucky" with her. And if she won't acknowledge that obvious fact, she's clearly a liar.

 

Unless you are with your wife 24/7 then you can't possibly know where she is and what she's doing at all times. Thinking otherwise is simply more self deception on your part.

 

Look--even your wife's staunchest defenders on this thread--other middle aged women who have gone through their own mid life crises--aren't really telling you your wife hasn't cheated, or isn't capable of it. What they are saying is that if she does cheat, it's somehow your fault for not paying enough attention to her. Somehow she's "entitled" to cheat after all that self-sacrificing raising of seven children. That you should just grin and bear it and keep your mouth shut like a good cuckold. That you should just accept your wife's sexual reawakening and if that compels her to seek out and have sex with other, more virile young men, well..she's entitled to it. She raised your seven children, didn't she?

 

If you actually think about what these women are telling you, it's quite disgusting, really.

 

I have indicated to her SEVERAL times (trying not to sound like a controlling jerk of a husband) that I highly disapprove of her contact with this person. I think that her getting her hormones in check, new wardrobe, etc. was the trigger to set this whole thing off.........and it has snowballed!

 

I have NEVER been an extremely anxious person until the last couple of months. To this day, she INSISTS that the changes are a part of her feeling better and wanting to look better for her husband and her children. I have to believe her. There has never been any mistrust or unfaithfulness in our marriage to date. The only mistrust, I feel, has been her e-mailing this 'kid' for meeting schedules and transportation from her phone and not the computer where everyone and God can see.

 

If nothing is going on, I can't see absolutely destroying my marriage (any worse than it already is) over some e-mails and texts that in her mind, are harmless.

 

There is a small part of me that wants to say "you know what? Stop now, or I am gone!!". I know that would absolutely devastate my children.

[NavyVet]

If you believe her then you believe her. No point second guessing your gut. Although I wouldn't put up with her acting all mad for ever about the mistake you now made. You've said you're sorry. Time has gone by she needs to get over it.

 

That's the problem though, she is NOT getting over it. I have always been there for her no matter what, been quick to forgive and forget in the past when she has wronged me............guess there is a different standard there.

[xxoo]

That's the problem though, she is NOT getting over it. I have always been there for her no matter what, been quick to forgive and forget in the past when she has wronged me............guess there is a different standard there.

 

Do you know why she is still upset?

 

If she's not getting over it, she has unresolved feelings about the incident. Do you know what they are?

[NavyVet]

Do you know why she is still upset?

 

If she's not getting over it, she has unresolved feelings about the incident. Do you know what they are?

 

She DOES have unresolved feelings about the incident. Unfortunately, I have NEVER talked to her like that in our entire married life together.........

[xxoo]

She DOES have unresolved feelings about the incident. Unfortunately, I have NEVER talked to her like that in our entire married life together.........

 

Yes, but what are they?

 

What about it still bothers her?

 

examples: she believes you still don't trust her, she feels you aren't listening to her, she doesn't trust you, etc.

 

What is the issue she is holding onto?

[NavyVet]

Yes, but what are they?

 

What about it still bothers her?

 

examples: she believes you still don't trust her, she feels you aren't listening to her, she doesn't trust you, etc.

 

What is the issue she is holding onto?

 

It is purely trust...........I can say that I trust her, but the incident it too fresh in her mind to believe that...........which in turn, means that she does not trust me..........

[xxoo]

It is purely trust...........I can say that I trust her, but the incident it too fresh in her mind to believe that...........which in turn, means that she does not trust me..........

 

Some of your posts here seem to indicate that you don't trust her. I'm not making a judgment about whether you should or should not trust her, but the posts about this other man do sound like you have nagging doubts.

 

You can say you trust her, but do you? She may have good reason to disbelieve you when you say you trust her.

[quankanne]

hell yeah, she's pissed off ... that's a pretty big thing to throw at her if she's innocent of what you've accused her of, because it shows a total lack of respect for y'alls relationship. If she's guilty of cheating, she'll be pissed, but for different reasons. You have got to figure out which it is, and act accordingly. If you say you believe her but act otherwise, you're only making things worse because you don't trust her. Which leads back to being upset about the whole situation.

 

what that crabby male poster has to say about going no contact with the suspected lover in question has merit. Even though she may think you're over-reacting she'll do it because she loves you, because she feels this will "prove" her love for you and only you. But I've got to ask you this: Because you feel threatened about this "new and improved sex bunny" of a wife, will that be enough? Or will you be continually testing her or setting up situations to "prove" a theory that might not have merit? If she happens to be innocent, at what point do you think she'll believe you've gone to the point of no return and ruin your relationship with her? Because if she *isn't* cheating, you could very well be digging your own grave ...

 

if it makes you feel better to hire a PI to shadow her, do it. Just be prepared to face the facts, whatever they may be.

Edited February 16, 2012 by quankanne

[standtall]

 

 

All you middle aged perimenopausal cheating or cheated-on housewives and divorcees would absolutely shoot up into the stratosphere on your broomsticks if the OP tried to pull that crap, and rain down fire and brimstone on him.

 

 

Large,

 

Lol..Funny stuff there....

 

However, this kinda statement

 

What a bunch of absolute hypocrites.

 

Is offensive and gets the posters here to shut down and not listen to some of your more valid points. Besides, I don't think everyone here is convinced that she is cheating...yet.

[xxoo]

Besides, I don't think everyone here is convinced that she is cheating...yet.

 

I have no idea if she's cheating.

 

But the op seems alternately trusting and suspicious. I don't think the main issue was a one-time accusation, but rather his lingering doubts. I have no idea if those doubts are warranted or not.

 

OP, you first have to decide if you trust her or not. If you don't, the issue will remain unresolved. You are going to have to dig in and figure out what is really going on. Are your anxieties warranted, or not?

[Gottman Institute]

You made a mistake. Give her the space she needs to resolve this. Meanwhile, try to work on improving yourself. Get in good shape. Work on your confidence. etc.

[nofool4u]

The kicker was some e-mails that they (my wife and 'him') were sharing together. Nothing inappropriate, just setting up some meeting dates for a political rally and transportation requirements. I felt that it was inappropriate for my wife to be doing such..........she did not think the same way.

 

Well of course SHE didn't. So your wife is going away somewhere with this younger guy, and she doesn't see anything inappropriate about it?

 

I think I know now why she is starting to make efforts to look good.

 

Like I said, its rarely for the benefit of the husband.

[nofool4u]

That's the problem though, she is NOT getting over it. .

 

Another red flag.

 

If you didn't have some knock down drag out argument over this, and you just made a little insinuation and dropped it, I can't see her not getting over it.

 

So now I am thinking there is more to her and this guy. Again, a woman who is all of a sudden changing her appearance and knocking herself out to look good, is planning road trips with some young guy?

 

Sorry, whether something went down between them or not, for her to not see anything wrong with her behavior is a load of bunk.

 

Its almost as if she is looking for an excuse to justify being around this guy.

[Almond_Joy]

Maybe she's not getting over it because she's discouraged by your insecurity, NavyVet?

 

It sounds like although you two have a very loving relationship, you've been very protective of it because you feel like it's some stroke of luck that she loves you and has stayed with you. If she raised a family with you and has stuck with you through thick and thin for 20 years, I'm sure you're not too shabby yourself. I get the feeling you love her more than you love/respect yourself.

 

If there's no threat why do you disapprove of her traveling/communicating with this family friend? You yourself said he's never been alone with her, and that you trust your wife. It really sounds like you've been harboring a low-grade insecurity about the relationship for a long time and her reformation just launched it into overdrive, which led you to make that preposterous implication. She may have taken it the wrong way because she knows you're insecure and is pissed off that your insecurity took precedence over simply enjoying your relationship with her in her newly developed persona.

 

I'd be pissed if after 7 kids and 20 faithful years of marriage at 40 years old, I managed to achieve my best physical image ever and my husband insinuated I'm cheating. I'd be pissed enough to need 3 weeks to cool off....maybe 6. ESPECIALLY if I didn't see the insecurity of my husband getting resolved - because what's to say you won't make another insinuation like that again, if your insecurity gets the best of you?

 

I harp on the insecurity you mention because as long as you're insecure, I doubt she'll believe that you will ever fully trust her. This fear of inadequacy will always be underlying the relationship if you can't get rid of it.

 

It sounds like you've done an excellent job of loving her and trying to make amends, but like others said here, she's got to make peace with it in her own time. She already said she won't leave you, so just give her the space to heal. Meanwhile continue your work with your counselor.

 

 

Stop being so hard on yourself about this too. Yes it was a bad mistake, and yes she's very hurt and angry. But she loves you, she's not going anywhere, and I can't see how she wouldn't think you're sincere in your regret. I wouldn't be surprised if she gives a little as the results with your individual counseling improve.

 

Hope this helps, and good luck .

 

P.S. I'm astounded by the cheating accusations.....really? Just because a woman works her way to a new lease on life through peak physical condition doesn't mean she's going to cheat, especially if she's got a healthy, loving relationship at home. WTH?

[NavyVet]

Maybe she's not getting over it because she's discouraged by your insecurity, NavyVet?

 

It sounds like although you two have a very loving relationship, you've been very protective of it because you feel like it's some stroke of luck that she loves you and has stayed with you. If she raised a family with you and has stuck with you through thick and thin for 20 years, I'm sure you're not too shabby yourself. I get the feeling you love her more than you love/respect yourself.

 

If there's no threat why do you disapprove of her traveling/communicating with this family friend? You yourself said he's never been alone with her, and that you trust your wife. It really sounds like you've been harboring a low-grade insecurity about the relationship for a long time and her reformation just launched it into overdrive, which led you to make that preposterous implication. She may have taken it the wrong way because she knows you're insecure and is pissed off that your insecurity took precedence over simply enjoying your relationship with her in her newly developed persona.

 

I'd be pissed if after 7 kids and 20 faithful years of marriage at 40 years old, I managed to achieve my best physical image ever and my husband insinuated I'm cheating. I'd be pissed enough to need 3 weeks to cool off....maybe 6. ESPECIALLY if I didn't see the insecurity of my husband getting resolved - because what's to say you won't make another insinuation like that again, if your insecurity gets the best of you?

 

I harp on the insecurity you mention because as long as you're insecure, I doubt she'll believe that you will ever fully trust her. This fear of inadequacy will always be underlying the relationship if you can't get rid of it.

 

It sounds like you've done an excellent job of loving her and trying to make amends, but like others said here, she's got to make peace with it in her own time. She already said she won't leave you, so just give her the space to heal. Meanwhile continue your work with your counselor.

 

 

Stop being so hard on yourself about this too. Yes it was a bad mistake, and yes she's very hurt and angry. But she loves you, she's not going anywhere, and I can't see how she wouldn't think you're sincere in your regret. I wouldn't be surprised if she gives a little as the results with your individual counseling improve.

 

Hope this helps, and good luck .

 

P.S. I'm astounded by the cheating accusations.....really? Just because a woman works her way to a new lease on life through peak physical condition doesn't mean she's going to cheat, especially if she's got a healthy, loving relationship at home. WTH?

 

REGARDLESS of what the others say on this thread, I REALLY appreciate your comments.

 

We had a very LONG talk last night about insecurities and what can trigger those. I KNOW for a fact that she is not doing anything and never has! Period! My wife is incredibly beautiful and she has the body of and 18 year old (she DOES NOT look like she has had seven children, naturally). I am very lucky to have her.

 

I know that it will take time to heal what I have said, but we made a promise to one another last night that we will work on it together. Also, I talked to her DR, the one that helped get the hormones in line, and she indicated to me both verbally and through medical documentation, that this is what can be expected. She is NOT going through a mid-life crisis, she just wants to look and feel good for herself, her husband, and her children. No one else. End of story.

 

Again, thank you for your post. It is greatly appreciated.

[NavyVet]

That's all well and good, but you also need to start associating with younger, attractive, single female friends.

 

Maybe your wife will have greater perspective on your feelings, rather than simply her own feelings, if the shoe is on the other foot.

 

It appears that to make her point your wife cut off sex. That's an unfair and hurtful tactic on her part. She needs to answer to you for it.

 

You're totally disregarding the aspect of this dispute whereby your wife thought it appropriate to totally discount YOUR feelings as invalid.

 

That has nothing to do with her cheating on you. That has to do with her showing you a total lack of respect as another human being.

 

The association with the opposite sex has always been a hot topic. Unfortunately, in my line of work, that is not possible. Only occurs RARELY on out of town business trips. And I do not feel that I should look for that type of situation.

 

After a long discussion last night, she does see my side of the story/concern and has, to this point, verbally rectified the situation...........

[xxoo]

We had a very LONG talk last night about insecurities and what can trigger those. I KNOW for a fact that she is not doing anything and never has! Period! My wife is incredibly beautiful and she has the body of and 18 year old (she DOES NOT look like she has had seven children, naturally). I am very lucky to have her.

 

I know that it will take time to heal what I have said, but we made a promise to one another last night that we will work on it together. .

 

After a long discussion last night, she does see my side of the story/concern and has, to this point, verbally rectified the situation...........

 

Hurray for open communication!

 

I hope things are back on track for you two very soon!

[NavyVet]

Hurray for open communication!

 

I hope things are back on track for you two very soon!

 

Thank you..............

 

Been almost twenty years with this person..............think I am going to re-start the honeymoon!

[nofool4u]

That's all well and good, but you also need to start associating with younger, attractive, single female friends.

 

Maybe your wife will have greater perspective on your feelings, rather than simply her own feelings, if the shoe is on the other foot.

 

Nah, my guess is she'd use it as a green light to shag this other guy, if she hasn't shagged him already.

[nofool4u]

After a long discussion last night, she does see my side of the story/concern and has, to this point, verbally rectified the situation...........

 

So what does she plan to do about it? Is she going to refrain from going on trips with this guy? And I'm assuming said planned trips are alone, and you weren't invited, correct?