So Sick Of Being a Consolation Prize

[Lonely Ronin]

The only way a guy would reject a hot woman as a girlfriend is if she had a bad personality. So, in other words, the only hope for unattractive girls like me is that all attractive women in the world are awful people.

 

This is so wrong I don't even no what to say..

[verhrzn]

That's what I've been trying to say.

 

Just because a woman wasn't #1 doesn't mean that she's trash.

 

It's almost as if V is saying that if a guy doesn't get the first girl he hits on, he should just go home and not try with any other girls because none are as special as the first.

 

Yep, pretty much. Switch it around, would you really feel all that special if a girl was just going down a line of guys, trying to find the first one to say yes? It means that she isn't choosing you for you... she's choosing you because you're just the first one that agreed.

 

Again, I don't see the issue. If guys stopped hitting on girls they're picking out as 2nd choice, then they'd stop ending up in relationships with girls they aren't totally into. A lot less cheating, and a lot less unhappiness.

[tman666]

I haven't read through this entire thread, so if I missed some sort of major point, I apologize in advance.

 

I too would be put off if I was out on a drink "date" with a girl and she was talking about how she hooked up with another guy at a party, especially one I was at. It's not so much the fact that this guy hooked up with another girl, it's that he felt the need to talk about it to you during what should have been a one-on-one scenario between you two.

 

I also think you're letting this get to you way too much. Accept it as a sign that this guy isn't of the quality you'd want in a boyfriend, and move on. His terrible form doesn't necessarily reflect anything on you. However, if you keep running into this situation, it most likely says more about your poor taste in male company than your supposed status as "Grade B".

[EnigmaticClarity]

You ARE the consolation prize if he didn't originally want you. If he's choosing you because his other options turned him down, and he's choosing you because you're what's left, then he IS settling.

 

This is the reality of dating--it happens more often than it doesn't. By your definition here, I've "settled" for my last three long-term girlfriends because I was multi-dating at the time and other women I was dating at the same time who I was more attracted to didn't pan out for various reasons. Just because you don't end up with your first choice doesn't mean you've settled if that second person still meets most of your needs...love can and will easily develop with someone you were less-attracted to yet still attracted to nonetheless.

[Queen Zenobia]

Well I really don't understand why you think my attitude is so terrible. What girl wants to feel like 2nd choice? What woman doesn't love hearing her guy say she is the most beautiful woman in the world, and might be a bit hurt when he says," Oh no, there are tons of more attractive girls, but ya know, I don't have a shot with em, so I got her!"

 

If they're drooling after a hot girl, go get the hot girl and leave me alone! That way, he gets what he actually wants (a hot girlfriend) and I don't get dumped months later when a hot girl finally doesn't reject him. Everybody wins. What's the issue?

 

Do you really think that's how things work? Do you think people walk around with a list of people they'd like to date, like a draft day war room? And if that person ends up with someone else then they have to settle?

[oaks]

The only way a guy would reject a hot woman as a girlfriend is if she had a bad personality. So, in other words, the only hope for unattractive girls like me is that all attractive women in the world are awful people.

 

I can think of several other reasons. Your imagination seems unnecessarily limited.

 

Us guys are more complex creatures than you give us credit for - there are many other things about a woman that we may find attractive or unattractive other than her personality and her physical appearance.

 

Try not to be scared of hot women because they aren't going to go away.

[Queen Zenobia]

Yep, pretty much. Switch it around, would you really feel all that special if a girl was just going down a line of guys, trying to find the first one to say yes? It means that she isn't choosing you for you... she's choosing you because you're just the first one that agreed.

 

Again, I don't see the issue. If guys stopped hitting on girls they're picking out as 2nd choice, then they'd stop ending up in relationships with girls they aren't totally into. A lot less cheating, and a lot less unhappiness.

 

I think you need to re-read this post so you can see how odd this sounds.

[ThaWholigan]

That's what I've been trying to say.

 

Just because a woman wasn't #1 doesn't mean that she's trash.

 

It's almost as if V is saying that if a guy doesn't get the first girl he hits on, he should just go home and not try with any other girls because none are as special as the first.

 

Exactly. If all people did this, a lot of us would have nobody to date, and there would be more loneliness

[xxoo]

Well, at least now we know the issue isn't V's looks.

 

Plenty of men are attracted to her. She'll just never believe it if they didn't immediately think she was the hottest.

 

V, this does go against what you previously said about only needing initial attraction, and not needing initial lust or drool. What is the truth?

[oaks]

Yep, pretty much. Switch it around, would you really feel all that special if a girl was just going down a line of guys, trying to find the first one to say yes? It means that she isn't choosing you for you... she's choosing you because you're just the first one that agreed.

 

If I find her attractive, and she finds me attractive, and I'm the first one who says "yes", and if I actually realise that she's going down a line like this (which normally wouldn't be obvious, but I know the guy you were talking about told you explicitly) then I'll probably be thinking "what's wrong with those other guys that they can't see that this girl is attractive? Well, their loss is my gain. Lucky me! Woohoo!"

 

But then I think we've already established that my glass if half full and yours is half empty, so I know you won't see it the same way.

[Negative Nancy]

This is the reality of dating--it happens more often than it doesn't. By your definition here, I've "settled" for my last three long-term girlfriends because I was multi-dating at the time and other women I was dating at the same time who I was more attracted to didn't pan out for various reasons. Just because you don't end up with your first choice doesn't mean you've settled if that second person still meets most of your needs...love can and will easily develop with someone you were less-attracted to yet still attracted to nonetheless.

 

So if the one you were more attracted to had shown up again while you were dating the "less attractive" ones and told you that she wanted to be with you, would have dumped them?

[somedude81]

Yep, pretty much. Switch it around, would you really feel all that special if a girl was just going down a line of guys, trying to find the first one to say yes? It means that she isn't choosing you for you... she's choosing you because you're just the first one that agreed.

 

Again, I don't see the issue. If guys stopped hitting on girls they're picking out as 2nd choice, then they'd stop ending up in relationships with girls they aren't totally into. A lot less cheating, and a lot less unhappiness.

What you're not understanding is that men have to go down the line. The odds of getting the first girl we ask out at a place is very low. Surely you've heard of the numbers game. To believe that a man should just stop because his #1 turned him down isn't realistic at all.

 

Women don't go down the number line because they don't have to. It's not part of their game.

 

Frankly men have to deal with frequent rejection and we have to accept that it's just the way things are. If we don't like it, all we can do is quit.

 

As a woman, the worst you have to deal with is not being #1. Either accept that it is just the way the world is, or quit.

 

Personally, I rather be somebodies third choice instead of having to ask out 20 women hoping one would say yes.

[Mme. Chaucer]

The only way a guy would reject a hot woman as a girlfriend is if she had a bad personality.

 

BS.

 

Just because somebody has a "good personality" doesn't mean that they'll be a good fit for somebody else, looks aside.

 

There are billions of "hot" girls - "first choice" at a party - who get "pumped and dumped" regularly. It's not because they had a "bad personality."

 

It takes a great deal of factors to bind two people together in a real relationship. Attraction plays a key part - that of bringing the two people close enough to bother getting deeper. In many cases, that did not take huge explosive bonerific fireworks on first sight.

[AD1980]

Yep, pretty much. Switch it around, would you really feel all that special if a girl was just going down a line of guys, trying to find the first one to say yes? It means that she isn't choosing you for you... she's choosing you because you're just the first one that agreed.

 

Again, I don't see the issue. If guys stopped hitting on girls they're picking out as 2nd choice, then they'd stop ending up in relationships with girls they aren't totally into. A lot less cheating, and a lot less unhappiness.

 

Guys go through the same thing,maybe the women we hit on didnt get approached buy her dream man or guy she was really into so she settles for somebody who approached her

 

You need to get over the fact that you're not somebodies dream women whitin first sight 99% of us aren't..

 

You also have a very low opinion of Men thinking were all such vapid shallow horndogs who will just f anything thats hot wheter we're in a relationship or not..

 

Three of my buddies have recently been cheated on by their wives it works both ways theyres bad seeds in both genders but we cant paint a whole gender as bad people..

 

I sometimes feel like you and get bitter about the opposite sex at times but its a waste of time and foolish because i then realie theyres a lot of good women out there i just have to be lucky enough to find one..

[EnigmaticClarity]

So if the one you were more attracted to had shown up again while you were dating the "less attractive" ones and told you that she wanted to be with you, would have dumped them?

 

No, because all three times, I made the decision myself to go for the one I originally viewed as a "consolation." The first one was because I was 23, the "consolation" was 24, and the prize was 17--I eventually decided it was dumb to go out with someone that much younger than myself. The second one was because the "prize" turned out to be ****ing nuts...I gave up on her one night after she called me at 3am asking me to bring her booze a few days after she quit her job with no backup plan because she was "bored" and preferred to live off of an allowance her rich father was still giving her at the age of 27. The third was because of a similar reason, because the "prize" ended up revealing a bunch of mental issues that weren't immediately obvious.

 

Even if all three of these girls had dumped me, no, I wouldn't have dumped any of those three girls I "settled" for. My sense of honor is too great...I'm not that flaky, and I was attracted to all three anyway. Whenever you're going out with more than one person you've got favorites--just because you didn't end up with the favorite doesn't mean you settled.

[iris219]

The only way a guy would reject a hot woman as a girlfriend is if she had a bad personality. So, in other words, the only hope for unattractive girls like me is that all attractive women in the world are awful people.

 

This is SO inaccurate. You can be hot and have a good personality, but just not connect with someone. This happens to both attractive guys and girls all the time. Do you think attractive people ONLY get rejected if they have terrible personalities? Of course not. People look for someone they find attractive and who they connect with, not the hottest person in the room.

 

Also, you keep talking about all the HOT girls these guys you know date. If you’re dating guys who date HOT girls (not cute, not pretty, but HOT), then they must be quite attractive, and you’re either physically equal or you will be their second choice. I imagined you liking chubby, nerdy guys, but I’m starting to think that you want very attractive guys, which is fine, but just know that these guys are harder to get and harder to keep because they have lots of options.

 

I know you're sick of hear "be positive," but you NEVER focus on the positives in any situation. You look for negatives, even when they're barely there. Here are the positives of the situation in your OP: 1. You went to a party (so you have a social life) where there were single men (I haven’t met any single men this year) 2. You found at least one attractive (that’s big) 3. He liked you enough to hang out with you. Why dwell on the fact that he didn't fall in love with with you?

[zengirl]

Yes, actually, I do believe that. Something propelled the guy to pick out that girl over the others. Maybe it was rejection/desperation from better girls... in which case I feel sorry for the girl. Hey, maybe she's happy that anybody picked her. If it works for her, good. But I think it's pretty awful that someone is with you because the person they actually wanted wasn't available.

 

Going up to someone you barely know (or don't know) and approaching her at a party is not equivalent to 'picking' someone for a relationship. That's insane. OF COURSE first impressions are heavily skewed towards hotness (and confidence and social adeptness and upbeat/fun attitudes and people who are good at sexy eye contact or ANY other trait that is easily discernible just by looking at someone) because they're FIRST impressions. You have no idea what you're getting.

 

It's kind of like, if your boyfriend is dating you because his ex-girlfriend rejected him. He's still in love with her, but has decided he's never going to get her, and so has chosen you instead. How can that possibly lead to a satisfied relationship?

 

No. It's not like that at all because the problem with that scenario is the "He's still in love with her!" Granted, if someone is obsessed with or in love with (or even, as the guy on the drinks thing did, talking about inappropriately) the hot girl from the party, there's an issue, to varying degrees. But my hubby has had girls break up with him, and I've had a man break up with me, LET ALONE all the variously hot people we've been blown off by in our dating lives, and we are not 'consolation' prizes to each other. That's just not how it works. By that logic, any guy you date is just a 'consolation' prize since you've had guys you liked previously reject you.

 

For me, personally, no, I'd never be able to accept I wasn't his first choice, because what if his first choice suddenly came around and decided she wanted him? Or what if some hot woman with a fantastic personality crossed his path? What would hold him to me? He choose me out of desperation... I wasn't what he originally wanted. I wasn't "enough." Why would he stay with someone who had to become enough, when he could go get was what ALREADY enough without him having to wait around and figure it out?

 

No one is "enough" right away. Relationships are BUILT; they are not FOUND. I think you are fundamentally missing the way relationships work. As someone said upthread, do you really think they work like this?

 

More importantly, if a guy isn't attracted to me initially, and is off drooling over the hot girls, why should I waste my time trying to convince him to choose me?

 

Nobody is suggesting you 'convince' guys to like you. What we are suggesting is that it's not about 'choosing.'

 

In your scenario, I'd have to continually hang onto feelings for a guy who has initially rejected me, in hopes that he'll come around when he sees what a fantastic personality I have. That seems like a huge recipe for disaster.

 

No, in her scenario you'd have to accept that men will have been rejected by other women they may have noticed before you and be okay with that as long as the man seems interested in you and you build a relationship together. No one said anything about chasing around guys who've rejected you. GOING UP TO SOMEONE ELSE FIRST IS NOT REJECTING YOU!!!

 

And come on, the guy is NEVER gonna forget why he was so into the hot girl. He was into her because she was hot. Don't you think it's an overly romantic notion that the guy's love for his girlfriend (who he settled for because he couldn't get what he actually wanted) will somehow erase his earlier attraction?

 

Do you know how many 'hot girls' most guys have hit on in their lives? Geez, yes, if he's built a shrine to her or something, stay away, but I really don't think hotness is some sort of web a man just can't get out of.

 

In all of her posts, Queen Zenobia makes excellent points BTW.

 

Again, I don't see the issue. If guys stopped hitting on girls they're picking out as 2nd choice, then they'd stop ending up in relationships with girls they aren't totally into. A lot less cheating, and a lot less unhappiness.

 

So, guys get what? One girl per party? Per week? Per month? How many girls can they hit on? One, ever? Why is it a competition in your eyes.

 

When I was single and flirting with men, I didn't scan the bar for the most desirable one, hit on him first, and then move on to the next most desirable one. It's about opportunity, attraction, first impression, and just the flow of the night. I don't think men line up girls in order (most men, at least) either. Most single guys on the prowl are just kind of fumbling around hoping someone cute will give them some action.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Whenever you're going out with more than one person you've got favorites--just because you didn't end up with the favorite doesn't mean you settled.

 

The reason that's particularly true for me is because I wouldn't date anyone I'd have to "settle" for in the first place. They're all my type--just because I picked one doesn't mean the others couldn't have worked out as well.

[ThaWholigan]

This thread is becoming a tad ridiculous now lol

 

I know I had a "first choice" if you can call her that, but does that diminish how I would feel about whoever I decide to end up with? I am 100% sure that it would not, I could bet my house on it. It's not too common that we will meet people who are attracted to us straight away unless we had iron-clad confidence and carried ourselves attractively. Don't be down about that, it's such a minor thing to be upset about in the grand scheme of things.

 

EDIT: The biggest paradox as far as hot women are concerned is that in my experience, the truly beautiful and hot girls are single because (and I kid you not, this is something I see a lot) NOBODY asks them out!!

[zengirl]

Well, at least now we know the issue isn't V's looks.

 

Plenty of men are attracted to her. She'll just never believe it if they didn't immediately think she was the hottest.

 

V, this does go against what you previously said about only needing initial attraction, and not needing initial lust or drool. What is the truth?

 

A very good question.

 

As others have said, the guy in the OP's big issue is his lack of basic social protocol: nobody SAYS what he said about the hot girl if they're actually attempting to date you and have one iota of social sense.

 

However, assuming you could read minds, would there really be an issue with a guy who found you cute but didn't think you were the hottest in the room? In that scenario, he IS attracted to you but he is not excluding attraction (even perhaps higher initial physical attraction) to others.

 

Since a relationship is built on SO MUCH MORE than attraction, that wouldn't bother me, as long as the attraction was there. I never wanted guys to come up to me because they thought I was the hottest girl in the room. Attractive? Yes. But anyone who values people solely by their hotness is not a good relationship partner, IMO.

 

YMMV.

 

BS.

 

Just because somebody has a "good personality" doesn't mean that they'll be a good fit for somebody else, looks aside.

 

There are billions of "hot" girls - "first choice" at a party - who get "pumped and dumped" regularly. It's not because they had a "bad personality."

 

It takes a great deal of factors to bind two people together in a real relationship. Attraction plays a key part - that of bringing the two people close enough to bother getting deeper. In many cases, that did not take huge explosive bonerific fireworks on first sight.

 

Very true. There are TONS of hot girls who can't make relationships work and are perfectly nice, smart, awesome girls.

 

This is SO inaccurate. You can be hot and have a good personality, but just not connect with someone. This happens to both attractive guys and girls all the time. Do you think attractive people ONLY get rejected if they have terrible personalities? Of course not. People look for someone they find attractive and who they connect with, not the hottest person in the room.

 

Also, you keep talking about all the HOT girls these guys you know date. If you’re dating guys who date HOT girls (not cute, not pretty, but HOT), then they must be quite attractive, and you’re either physically equal or you will be their second choice. I imagined you liking chubby, nerdy guys, but I’m starting to think that you want very attractive guys, which is fine, but just know that these guys are harder to get and harder to keep because they have lots of options.

 

Yes, the fixation with hotness makes me wonder what kind of guys she's interested in as well.

[blueskyday]

I do get where you are coming from. You want to be special, and you don't want to waste your time on a guy who isn't very interested in you.

 

If I saw a guy hitting on a bunch of women in a bar (or anywhere), getting turned down and finally making his way to me, then I would instantly reject him. I'd rather meet a guy, talk to him and keep his attention. Then have him ask me out. It's about meeting a high quality guy, not some guy who is hitting on people indiscriminately, and finally saying, "Oh, I've got a taker! Yay!"

 

I once had a guy in a group fitness class who hit on a girl over and over again until she gave him the cold shoulder. Next, it was my turn. I gave him the cold shoulder. So did every other woman.

 

It's fine if a guy is playing the numbers game. It's just that women don't want to SEE it. They do want to feel special, and that a guy is taken with them.

 

I meet guys out all the time. It IS about attraction, of course. It's also about flirting and making a guy see that special wowness you have inside you.

 

V, I understand that your focus is more on the guys than on you. You can balance that. Don't go out with losers, like the guy who told you some other woman was HOT and that he slept with her on the night he met you. Stupid guy, not a keeper. Next.

 

But, also, look to yourself. How does a guy make you feel? Do you feel good when you are out with him? Does he catch YOUR eye?

 

If you see a guy who does, then simply flirt, smile, and draw him to you. I do it all the time. Guys tell me I'm pretty, but that I've got something about me that makes me a magnet. Who knows? Probably a load of crap, but I do feel good about who I am, and I'm a bit mischievous. I know my worth, and I really do like men. I'm scared of them, too, like you.

 

If they don't want what you've got, then you don't want them. Think like that. Just strike up conversations, smile, make the guy feel good about himself and being with you. Be honest about your thoughts and feelings in conversations.

 

I've told guys I don't compete with other other women. I mean it. I just don't. If they don't think I'm the best thing and want to be with me, then there's the door. Of course, I'm laughing while I say it.

 

Never compare yourself to any other woman. Never ask if you are a good kisser or not. Make sure he is kissing you the way YOU want. Then you can ask him how he likes it.

 

Bottom line: get in touch with your sassy self. You already are everything you want to be. Beautiful. Sexy. Smart.

 

You don't believe it, and no guy will until you do. The first step is thinking about yourself. What do you like? Want? Need? Feel?

 

Focus on you, and how you feel about what a guy is doing. You were on target thinking that the guy you went out with was a douche. Hooking up with that girl after the party, and telling you about how HOT she was makes him a throwback in the water kind of guy.

 

If it were me, I would have said, "Yeah, I'm done with the hot guys, too. That's why I'm out with you. Ha ha. See ya."

[somedude81]

Most single guys on the prowl are just kind of fumbling around hoping someone cute will give them some action.

Yup.

 

This thread is becoming a tad ridiculous now lol

But it's getting to the core issue that V is having.

 

The whole feeling that if she isn't #1, then she doesn't count at all.

 

But she needs to understand that few people are anybodies first choice.

 

And that there is much more to it than if a girl is hot or not, regardless if she has a good personality.

 

I'd take a cute gamer girl over a beauty who has no interest any day of the week. It doesn't matter how sweet the hot girl is, if we don't have fun doing what I enjoy then she doesn't have much value in my eyes. And yes, there is more I look for in a girl than if she likes to game or not.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Yes, the fixation with hotness makes me wonder what kind of guys she's interested in as well.

 

I looked back last night at one of the guys who dumped her after six months--yesterday I said 6 or 7, I'll throttle that back to 6 based upon what you can see from the neck up, he may be the 5 she put him at if his body has issues.

[Negative Nancy]

You also have a very low opinion of Men thinking were all such vapid shallow horndogs who will just f anything thats hot wheter we're in a relationship or not..

 

That's because most men are like that.

[verhrzn]

Well, at least now we know the issue isn't V's looks.

 

Plenty of men are attracted to her. She'll just never believe it if they didn't immediately think she was the hottest.

 

V, this does go against what you previously said about only needing initial attraction, and not needing initial lust or drool. What is the truth?

 

Um, I have no idea where you get the idea that men are attracted to me. Guys NEVER ask me out. I thought we were speaking purely in hypotheticals, or about this particular situation.

 

I HAVE had the situation where a boyfriend made it clear that I was not his first choice. One wanted my friend instead, another didn't even notice me. In both of these cases, I ended up dating them because 1) the girls they wanted weren't interested and 2) I pursued them.

 

Both of them later went on to dump me for hot girls. So, no idea where you're getting the "plenty of men are attracted" when men never hit or flirt with me, and I only get them if they don't have any other options.

 

 

Also, you keep talking about all the HOT girls these guys you know date. If you’re dating guys who date HOT girls (not cute, not pretty, but HOT), then they must be quite attractive, and you’re either physically equal or you will be their second choice. I imagined you liking chubby, nerdy guys, but I’m starting to think that you want very attractive guys, which is fine, but just know that these guys are harder to get and harder to keep because they have lots of options.

 

The guys I'm talking about are the chubby (or rail-skinny, not a pound of muscle on them) nerds. Maybe I live in a weird area, but there are a lot more women than men around, and the women are usually hot (and nerdy, as well.)

So even the supposedly-undesirable guys have their pick of attractive girls.

 

The girls may also be "hot" because of my own perception. I think most women my age and in my area are very attractive. It's that whole "I find beauty in every person." For example, I looked through the MyBody Gallery for an example of my body type, and I had a really hard time finding one because I thought all of them looked great! So the girls may not be less hot than I perceive them as being.

 

I looked back last night at one of the guys who dumped her after six months--yesterday I said 6 or 7, I'll throttle that back to 6 based upon what you can see from the neck up, he may be the 5 she put him at if his body has issues.

 

By your assessment, we're both 6's, yet he often told me how much hotter other girls were (he was the one who originally went for my friend and wound up with me, the consolation prize, instead.) He dumped me for a hotter geek girl.

 

So he got the looks he wanted AND the great personality, instead of having to "settle" for the less attractive girl with the personality.

Edited February 15, 2012 by verhrzn