So Sick Of Being a Consolation Prize

[verhrzn]

A few weeks ago I met a guy at a party, and I thought we hit it off well. We didn't exchange numbers (he didn't ask, and I thought it would seem desperate to either give him mine or ask for his), but a few days later I friended him. We chatted a little bit, and then I asked him to drinks, which he agreed to.

 

Last Saturday is when we went out for drinks, and I thought he seemed very flirty, and that everything was going well.... Until midway through, he suddenly mentions how he and another girl had hooked up at the party. He made some joke about he should have figured out that the hot ones are always trouble, because it turned out she wasn't that interested in him.

 

I just sat there, stunned. This is the third time this has happened to me-I ask a guy out, and it turns out he's only going out with me because the girl he really likes rejected him. The implicit comment also being that I'm "safe" because I'm not a hot girl also really stings.

 

Why does this keep happening? In my dating life, it always seems like I end up as 2nd place, the consolation prize, the "safe, nice" girl who guys only bother with when there's no one else they'd rather bang.

 

I feel so angry and frustrated right now. As if dating isn't hard enough, the only guys who are "interested" are interested only because they've exhausted their options.

 

Is this just my lot in life? How would I even go about changing it, since I'm not aware it happens until the first few dates, or in a few cases, months into a relationship? It's happened so frequently that at this point, I feel like I just have to accept that I'm gonna be the Safety School Girlfriend forever.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Many if not most people in relationships have been rejected by another person before getting in the relationship. This does not add up to relationship equalling second choice. It adds up to the prior "hook up" not working or not leading anywhere

 

A person who has been rejected has not "exhausted all their options."

 

It's highly possible that a guy (or girl) could be thinking, "Praise the lord that I got rid of that obnoxious 'hot' bimbo and met this awesome girl/ guy!" But with your attitude, you would never be available to be on the receiving end of that.

 

Now, let the arguing and refuting of whatever anyone says begin ...

[somedude81]

This is the third time this has happened to me-I ask a guy out, and it turns out he's only going out with me because the girl he really likes rejected him.

 

Why does this keep happening?

Eh, maybe it's time you stop asking guys out.

 

It doesn't seem like something that works for you.

 

The main issue with asking out men, is that most will say yes even if he isn't interested in the girl. Few men will turn down what they view as easy sex.

[silvermercy]

I agree. Stop asking men out. There lies your problem.

[verhrzn]

Many if not most people in relationships have been rejected by another person before getting in the relationship. This does not add up to relationship equalling second choice. It adds up to the prior "hook up" not working or not leading anywhere

 

A person who has been rejected has not "exhausted all their options."

 

It's highly possible that a guy (or girl) could be thinking, "Praise the lord that I got rid of that obnoxious 'hot' bimbo and met this awesome girl/ guy!" But with your attitude, you would never be available to be on the receiving end of that.

 

Obviously it's unrealistic to only date people who had never been rejected. But if a guy meets two girls at once, and chooses Girl A, should Girl B really be that excited that he then gives her a chance after Girl A rejects him? Isn't that basic "He's Just Not That Into You"?

 

 

I agree. Stop asking men out. There lies your problem.

 

Well that is nice to hear. So many guys on this board argue that girls should be the aggressors, and I always get yelled down when I explain why chasing after guys is a vast of time.

 

Of course, that means I have no options, because guys never approach me. So I guess it's just hopeless either way.

[EnigmaticClarity]

midway through, he suddenly mentions how he and another girl had hooked up at the party. He made some joke about he should have figured out that the hot ones are always trouble, because it turned out she wasn't that interested in him.

 

What a dumb-**** thing to say. If he didn't kick himself in the nards for actually verbally communicating something like that to someone you're on a date with, you should have done it for him.

[norajane]

What a dumb-**** thing to say. If he didn't kick himself in the nards for actually verbally communicating something like that to someone you're on a date with, you should have done it for him.

 

Agreed. You should be grateful for him alerting you to his dumbassedness right up front, and should reject him just like the other girl did. She figured him out before you did. Maybe you are attracted to douchebags and that is why you have this result when you ask guys out?

[ScienceGal]

What a shallow schmuck!

 

Be grateful that you can weed through such filth quickly, it's not always this obvious. You deserve someone with more maturity and common sense, for starters...

[oaks]

I think this is one of those cases where the thing you're worried about isn't a thing at all and his previous (and very short) interaction with the 'hot' girl isn't about you and has nothing to do with you. That said, I'm not sure why he brought it up.

 

Do you like this guy or not?

[verhrzn]

I think this is one of those cases where the thing you're worried about isn't a thing at all and his previous (and very short) interaction with the 'hot' girl isn't about you and has nothing to do with you. That said, I'm not sure why he brought it up.

 

Do you like this guy or not?

 

How is not a thing at all? He could have pursued me, and he choose her instead.... and made a connection with me only after he got rejected.

 

I DID like the guy, but I don't anymore. My issue is that this happens ALL the time. In this case I was lucky.... most times I don't find out until months into a relationship. But it always seems like I'm the 2nd choice behind a girl who rejected the guy, and this is just another chain in a long pattern.

[EnigmaticClarity]

That said, I'm not sure why he brought it up.

 

They were probably talking openly and freely and he just said something dumb. I get loose and start talking really honestly most of the time...but not THAT freely and honestly, not so forwardly that you say something completely insensitive. That's why he deserves a kick to the nards--to remind him not to say something so tactless next time.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I supposed if I wanted to look at myself as a "consolation prize" for my husband, or in my former relationships, it would not be difficult to skew my perspective that way. And you are a genius at doing it.

[verhrzn]

They were probably talking openly and freely and he just said something dumb. I get loose and start talking really honestly most of the time...but not THAT freely and honestly, not so forwardly that you say something completely insensitive. That's why he deserves a kick to the nards--to remind him not to say something so tactless next time.

 

Screw next time. He can go chase after his hot girl, and leave me the f*** alone.

 

 

I supposed if I wanted to look at myself as a "consolation prize" for my husband, or in my former relationships, it would not be difficult to skew my perspective that way. And you are a genius at doing it.

 

So your husband met you and another woman at the same time, decided she was better and pursued her, and then came back to you only after she rejected him? And you don't see anything wrong or negative about that??

[Lonely Ronin]

But if a guy meets two girls at once, and chooses Girl A, should Girl B really be that excited that he then gives her a chance after Girl A rejects him? Isn't that basic "He's Just Not That Into You"?

 

Not necessarily, I have had this situation come up a few times in my life, and I always pursued the one that showed more interest in me. I think a lot of women underestimate how much power letting a guy know early on that they are interested actually has. I'm not saying this is the case with your situation though.

 

I'd say consider yourself lucky, because it only took you two interactions with this guy to realize he isn't worth your time.

 

 

Well that is nice to hear. So many guys on this board argue that girls should be the aggressors, and I always get yelled down when I explain why chasing after guys is a vast of time.

 

Of course, that means I have no options, because guys never approach me. So I guess it's just hopeless either way.

 

I feel women should be open to being the aggressor when they come across someone they are really interested in. Off the top of my head i can think of several female friends that are in LTRs because they had initiative. One eventually found out the guy really liked her, but never asked her out because he thought she wasn't interested. In short when you see something you want 'not just a guy' go after it with everything you got, and damn the consequences.

[oaks]

How is not a thing at all?

 

Well, I'm an internet dating survivor. People date other people all the time, and some of them even agreed to date me. Should I be upset at who they dated the day before or the day after they dated me? I think life is too short to be worried about who kisses who unless one of those people is in an exclusive relationship with me.

 

I give the guy points for being honest, but then take the points away for failing to do it sensitively enough.

 

To directly answer your question - it isn't a thing because it happens a lot more often than you realise (ie, to other people, all the time) and sometimes you just have to get on with life rather than worrying about yesterday. That's also the answer to your question "why does it keep happening?"

[TaurusTerp]

You are rarely, if EVER, going to be the all time #1 on ANYBODY's wishlist. That's just the reality of the world. Grow the hell up and let go of your stupid fairy tale fantasies.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well, I'm an internet dating survivor. People date other people all the time, and some of them even agreed to date me. Should I be upset at who they dated the day before or the day after they dated me? I think life is too short to be worried about who kisses who unless one of those people is in an exclusive relationship with me.

 

 

What he said.

 

I have NO idea who my husband was dating around the time we met. I do happen to know that I am not what he's always thought of as his "type" physically. His ex wife and others he's dates whose pictures I've seen look nothing like me. I care not a bit. Our love is strong and I really enjoy our relationship. Also, I prefer the way I look to that of his lifelong "type," which I find boring, and he thinks I'm grand. I'm just fine.

[ScienceGal]

I still think he's a schmuck for talking about sleeping with the other woman. You don't want a guy like that.

[kaylan]

A few weeks ago I met a guy at a party, and I thought we hit it off well. We didn't exchange numbers (he didn't ask, and I thought it would seem desperate to either give him mine or ask for his), but a few days later I friended him. We chatted a little bit, and then I asked him to drinks, which he agreed to.

 

Last Saturday is when we went out for drinks, and I thought he seemed very flirty, and that everything was going well.... Until midway through, he suddenly mentions how he and another girl had hooked up at the party. He made some joke about he should have figured out that the hot ones are always trouble, because it turned out she wasn't that interested in him.

 

I just sat there, stunned. This is the third time this has happened to me-I ask a guy out, and it turns out he's only going out with me because the girl he really likes rejected him. The implicit comment also being that I'm "safe" because I'm not a hot girl also really stings.

 

Why does this keep happening? In my dating life, it always seems like I end up as 2nd place, the consolation prize, the "safe, nice" girl who guys only bother with when there's no one else they'd rather bang.

 

I feel so angry and frustrated right now. As if dating isn't hard enough, the only guys who are "interested" are interested only because they've exhausted their options.

 

Is this just my lot in life? How would I even go about changing it, since I'm not aware it happens until the first few dates, or in a few cases, months into a relationship? It's happened so frequently that at this point, I feel like I just have to accept that I'm gonna be the Safety School Girlfriend forever.

Youre not the consolation prize. Youre the friend.

 

The only time a guy will mention hooking up with another girl is when he sees no future with you as a girlfriend.

 

He might hook up with you, but maybe not, and it def wouldnt go further then that.

 

Guys dont mention other women to chicks they actually like.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I still think he's a schmuck for talking about sleeping with the other woman. You don't want a guy like that.

 

I would agree, but evidently every. single. guy that OP deals with always tells her how badly she compares wit other women, and also stuff like she's ugly. So she either tries very hard to find guys who will be completely uncouth, or,as I suspect, she needles and tortures them about their opinions of other women compared to her until she yields results such as this.

 

OP is a woman of unusual persistence and … stubbornness, I think.

[kaylan]

Eh, maybe it's time you stop asking guys out.

 

It doesn't seem like something that works for you.

 

The main issue with asking out men, is that most will say yes even if he isn't interested in the girl. Few men will turn down what they view as easy sex.

Disagree. I wont go out with a chick Im not feeling.

 

I welcome invites from chicks I like though. Girls earn lots of points for it.

 

I agree. Stop asking men out. There lies your problem.

Disagree with this too.

 

OP, your situation would be no different if a guy who didnt like you much asked you out. Remember, sometimes people date to just date and kill time. They might not be looking for a partner. I have friends who will ask out a girl they think is cute, even if they arent too particularly into her and theres no spark.

 

So, you see...it doesnt matter who asks who out. If one person isnt as into it as the other, you end up with the same result.

[Mme. Chaucer]

But maybe for the OP, asking a guy out is a set-up for failure all the way around. She will always go back to the pattern of thinking that he certainly could not have been "that into her" or he would have asked her out before she could have asked him out.

 

So maybe for her, it's not a good move.

[Ariadne]

he should have figured out that the hot ones are always trouble, because it turned out she wasn't that interested in him.

 

Hi,

 

That's kind of a crappy thing to say..

 

But what do you expect?

 

The guy didn't even ask you for your number.

 

You went and searched for him and "friended him" and then asked him out.

 

Why are you surprised that he liked some other girl at the party?

 

And then to say:

 

"should Girl B really be that excited that he then gives her a chance after Girl A rejects him? Isn't that basic "He's Just Not That Into You"?"

 

Well, he wasn't into you. At least he went out to meet you.

[TheFinalWord]

He knew that was rude.

 

I am not trying to be mean in saying this, but you seem to have a negative attitude. I've noticed this in your posts about pre-marital sex. When people try to give you constructive criticism you don't take it but instead try to blame others.

 

I think he picked up on this and used this line as a way to get rid of you. :(You say this is a common denominator for the last three guys. But why don't you look at what you can change (yourself) and not look at what others are doing wrong.

 

For myself, I have been trying to do this. What am I doing wrong with women that is causing them to say there is no chemistry? Well I have learned quite a bit from the feedback I've received on here.

 

So either you pick the wrong men or there is something about you that needs improved.

[spookie]

Y'all clearly weren't hitting it off as well as u thought u were, or he wouldn't have hooked up with someone else that night, and went on to tell u about it. I'm with kaylan on this, but I don't think it's a worthy experience to add to your ammunition to demonstrate how poorly u fare with men.