So Sick Of Being a Consolation Prize

[xxoo]

Two of my boyfriends have done it after 4-6 months. If I'd hit the road when they first started mentioning how I ranked, I would have saved myself most of those months.

 

OMG, why did you stay around if you were treated that way?

 

Yes, you need to be willing to walk away when they clearly are not attracted, if they are too lazy or comfy to break it off.

 

But you also need to give someone new a chance! Let the relationship start in neutral, and see where it goes. Give it a couple weeks, showing your most charming and confident self, to see if they are into you or not. Probing to know how immediately attracted he was to you, compared to other girls, will put it quickly in reverse.

[zengirl]

or....

 

You could just walk?

 

Why would you even want to be with someone that you are pretty sure isn't into you?

 

THIS.

 

I seriously doubt the guy from the OP would've expressed interest in going out again or in having a relationship with you. (If he did, I still would say no if he'd discussed such things on a first meet with me, but that's any girl's prerogative either way.)

 

There's no need to 'needle' someone. If anything about the dynamic makes you unhappy, then get out of it!

[verhrzn]

Well, I guess all I can say is, "whatever works for you." From my perspective, your methods are not successful and sound very unhappy, but you seem tremendously attached to going ahead just as you always have. So, carry on.

 

Yeah, yeah, and your method is.... oh that's right, nothing. "Be more positive." Except you never explain HOW to do that, or even why it would work for me. Do you take a special joy out of coming onto my threads and telling me how much better you are, because that's all you ever seem to do.

[xxoo]

Because I'm NOT sure he isn't into me (or if I'm being too paranoid) UNTIL I nettle him further, so I can get the full story.

 

Do you know the signs of when a man IS into you?

[MrNate 2.0]

Does no one look at my advice?

[LexiB]

Because I get told it's my insecurity. That I'm being paranoid, that he just "made a dumb comment" and it didn't mean anything. Because I'm NOT sure he isn't into me (or if I'm being too paranoid) UNTIL I nettle him further, so I can get the full story.

 

This is where you need to start trusting your own intuition instead of listening to your "friends" and whoever else tell you how you should feel. I can't imagine they think very highly of you as a person, if they're coaxing you to stay with men who tell you you're not good enough for them.

[verhrzn]

Do you know the signs of when a man IS into you?

 

He pursued me in some way (talks to me first, asks for my phone number, contacts me first.) If he's not doing that, he's not into you.

 

That's my usual philosophy, anyway... I've been trying to just "go for it" like guys on LS are constantly complaining girls don't do, and look where it lands me.

[ditzchic]

Because I get told it's my insecurity. That I'm being paranoid, that he just "made a dumb comment" and it didn't mean anything. Because I'm NOT sure he isn't into me (or if I'm being too paranoid) UNTIL I nettle him further, so I can get the full story.

 

There's no need to nettle. Sure everyone can make a dumb comment once in awhile. You file the first one away. If it happens again, you put the red flag up. If it happens a 3rd time, you run fast and far.

 

Don't nettle. It accomplishes nothing. Except making a good guy who was on the fence run. Or causing someone who is keeping you around for ulterior motives (boredom, fear of being alone, whatever) to change their behavior to keep you around for just a little longer to get what they want.

[turt]

If someone can just walk out of a relationship directly to a new person, there should have been signs for a while. You may have been pushing them away or you never were together in their eyes.

[xxoo]

He pursued me in some way (talks to me first, asks for my phone number, contacts me first.) If he's not doing that, he's not into you.

 

That's my usual philosophy, anyway... I've been trying to just "go for it" like guys on LS are constantly complaining girls don't do, and look where it lands me.

 

I mean after the initial meeting and first few dates.

 

There should be obvious signs that a boyfriend of a few weeks IS into you. The amt of contact on his end, the way he looks at you and touches you, things he says, etc. If all of those things are there (lots of evidence that he is into you), and he makes a comment that is iffy (friends say you are being paranoid), maybe you are being paranoid? Maybe you are destroying a good thing by needling until you become unattractive to him?

[verhrzn]

There's no need to nettle. Sure everyone can make a dumb comment once in awhile. You file the first one away. If it happens again, you put the red flag up. If it happens a 3rd time, you run fast and far.

 

Don't nettle. It accomplishes nothing. Except making a good guy who was on the fence run. Or causing someone who is keeping you around for ulterior motives (boredom, fear of being alone, whatever) to change their behavior to keep you around for just a little longer to get what they want.

 

Well why would you want a guy who is on the fence? If a guy is on the fence and you have to "convince" him, or if a guy isn't really into you but there's no way to figure that out except by nettling, then isn't it better to chase em away?

[oaks]

Except I said I nettle only when the guy has already said something. If he makes a comment like the guy did on the date, it's clearly a "I'm not into you," as other people are pointing out. But they almost never have the stones to break up with me after it. So isn't nettling better than waiting around and having THEM torture me?

 

If it's really clear that they aren't into you then there's no point in nettling and teasing out an unfavourable comparison with some other girl because that'll just upset you more - just have the balls to end it yourself. On the other hand, if it's only a "maybe he isn't into me" then nettling, fishing for insults, etc will just push him away since it isn't the most attractive thing you could do.

 

I can't see any upside to getting a guy to tell you the things you get them to tell you. (and, yes, I phrased that like that because I think you're taking an active part in winkling out these comments)

[verhrzn]

I mean after the initial meeting and first few dates.

 

There should be obvious signs that a boyfriend of a few weeks IS into you. The amt of contact on his end, the way he looks at you and touches you, things he says, etc. If all of those things are there (lots of evidence that he is into you), and he makes a comment that is iffy (friends say you are being paranoid), maybe you are being paranoid? Maybe you are destroying a good thing by needling until you become unattractive to him?

 

Kind of chicken-or-the-egg isn't it? Guys have seemed into me when really they were dating me out of desperation and boredom, like this guy. I've had guys who supposedly were doing all the things they were supposed to... contacting me every day, introducing me to their friends and family, talking about future plans... suddenly drop me for a better prospect, because they were never into me in the first place.

 

If it's really clear that they aren't into you then there's no point in nettling and teasing out an unfavourable comparison with some other girl because that'll just upset you more - just have the balls to end it yourself. On the other hand, if it's only a "maybe he isn't into me" then nettling, fishing for insults, etc will just push him away since it isn't the most attractive thing you could do.

 

I can't see any upside to getting a guy to tell you the things you get them to tell you. (and, yes, I phrased that like that because I think you're taking an active part in winkling out these comments)

 

That's the thing.... it isn't clear until they make some comment like that and then I nettle them.

[oaks]

Well why would you want a guy who is on the fence? If a guy is on the fence and you have to "convince" him, or if a guy isn't really into you but there's no way to figure that out except by nettling, then isn't it better to chase em away?

 

Or put your best foot forward and try to impress.

 

My glass is half full. What about yours?

[turt]

Well why would you want a guy who is on the fence? If a guy is on the fence and you have to "convince" him, or if a guy isn't really into you but there's no way to figure that out except by nettling, then isn't it better to chase em away?

 

No, because you'll end up chasing everyone away no matter how into you they are. You shouldn't have to ask - actions should show.

[oaks]

That's the thing.... it isn't clear until they make some comment like that and then I nettle them.

 

So why bother? Just walk away. Nettling won't improve anything, unless you get some sort of perverse enjoyment out of it.

[ditzchic]

Well why would you want a guy who is on the fence? If a guy is on the fence and you have to "convince" him, or if a guy isn't really into you but there's no way to figure that out except by nettling, then isn't it better to chase em away?

 

Because in the beginning I don't expect him to be head over heels crazy for me. It's about getting to know each other and that takes time. If he's still on the fence after about a month, I figure he'll never get there. But as long as he's showing some sort of interest in getting to know me even though he isn't acting head over heels in love with me, I'm ok with it.

 

The way I see it, I'm not "convincing" anyone. I'm just going out and having a good time with another human being. If we don't enjoy spending time together, it stops being fun, or becomes a chore for either of us then it's not meant to be and we part ways. I'm not looking to lock anyone down before I know them. And I don't expect him to feel that way about me.

[verhrzn]

Or put your best foot forward and try to impress.

 

My glass is half full. What about yours?

 

It has nothing to do with "glasses half full." It has everything to do with I don't want to have to convince someone to be with me. If they're not into me in the beginning, they're not going to magically decide they are. It's like how you can't convince girls to take you out of the friend zone... the girls just aren't physically attracted to you. Guys just don't like me... why should I waste my time with a dog-and-pony show on a guy who looked at me and went," Eh."

 

Even if I did convince him, gee, what a romantic story. "Oh yeah, I wasn't into my wife at all, but she wore me down." That's one I'd definitely want to tell the kids.

 

So why bother? Just walk away. Nettling won't improve anything, unless you get some sort of perverse enjoyment out of it.

 

I bother because, what if I'm wrong. What if I AM reading too much into it, what if I'm throwing away a perfectly good relationship over paranoid or insecurity. I nettle to find out if what a guy said was a glimpse of how he really feels, or just a dumb comment.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yeah, yeah, and your method is.... oh that's right, nothing. "Be more positive." Except you never explain HOW to do that, or even why it would work for me. Do you take a special joy out of coming onto my threads and telling me how much better you are, because that's all you ever seem to do.

 

I don't think I said anything about me at all.

 

I didn't say "be more positive," either. Certainly, wallowing and broadcasting negativity is not widely accepted as the path to dating success and love … but you seem to hold it very dear to your heart.

 

I think all people who join in your threads say pretty much the same thing, V.

[verhrzn]

I don't think I said anything about me at all.

 

I didn't say "be more positive," either. Certainly, wallowing and broadcasting negativity is not widely accepted as the path to dating success and love … but you seem to hold it very dear to your heart.

 

I think all people who join in your threads say pretty much the same thing, V.

 

But nobody mocks me like you do. And yeah, they all say the same thing.... and it drives me crazy because nobody expands on it. No body explains it. "Positive attitude" is just what everyone credits their good luck to. But someone can have a positive attitude and still have issues with dating. "Positive attitude" is the cop-out answer to my questions. It requires no explanation, no insight, and no actual understanding of my issues. It's a feel-good, useless answer.

 

If you have solutions as to how to stop "broadcasting negativity," then by all means, share those. Of course, that won't solve my actual problem of not being attractive to guys. No amount of positive attitude fixes a face only a mother could love, and no amount of "oh I'm so wonderful" corrects an average personality when guys demand someone who is not only pretty, but smart, successful, independent, nurturing, positive, laid-back, funny, and interesting as well.

 

A positive attitude wouldn't have stopped this guy from choosing the hotter girl over me, and it wouldn't have stopped my exes from dumping me for someone better.

[Lonely Ronin]

If they're not into me in the beginning, they're not going to magically decide they are. It's like how you can't convince girls to take you out of the friend zone... the girls just aren't physically attracted to you. Guys just don't like me... why should I waste my time with a dog-and-pony show on a guy who looked at me and went," Eh."

 

You do realize that guys are pretty much trained to not show to much interest up front right? If they do the word creepy usually shows up in the woman's vocabulary pretty fast. Now there are plenty of exceptions, but that's usually because they are both deeply attracted to each other.

 

Honestly I think your need for the guy to all but drool on you, is killing your chances of meeting anyone normal.

[oaks]

It has nothing to do with "glasses half full." It has everything to do with I don't want to have to convince someone to be with me. If they're not into me in the beginning, they're not going to magically decide they are.

 

Perhaps, but I've dated people with whom I have subsequently fallen in love and I definitely wasn't in love with all of them by the end of the first date. I don't recall them actively having to "convince" me but they certainly continued to impress me and they also didn't do anything too unattractive.

 

I bother because, what if I'm wrong. What if I AM reading too much into it, what if I'm throwing away a perfectly good relationship over paranoid or insecurity. I nettle to find out if what a guy said was a glimpse of how he really feels, or just a dumb comment.

 

Even if you're wrong, this nettling behaviour is deeply unattractive. At least, it is to me. Not sure how typical I am in this regard.

[xxoo]

It has nothing to do with "glasses half full." It has everything to do with I don't want to have to convince someone to be with me. If they're not into me in the beginning, they're not going to magically decide they are.

 

It happens all the time! If they are into you enough to go out on a date, there is potential for more attraction to develop.

 

Even if I did convince him, gee, what a romantic story. "Oh yeah, I wasn't into my wife at all, but she wore me down." That's one I'd definitely want to tell the kids.

 

Or, "I didn't notice her right away. But once the sparks started flying, I couldn't take my eyes off of her."

[oaks]

But nobody mocks me like you do.

 

Aww. I try! I'm just not in Mme. Chaucer's league.

[Professor X]

Yeah, yeah, and your method is.... oh that's right, nothing. "Be more positive." Except you never explain HOW to do that, or even why it would work for me. Do you take a special joy out of coming onto my threads and telling me how much better you are, because that's all you ever seem to do.

 

Funny how I told you the exact same thing a while ago, and even though people seem to tell you the same thing still, you keep giving the same asshat answers (with all due respect).

 

You wanna know how to be more positive? Take a pill.

 

On a more serious note, since there's no such pill (and even drugs such as weed, lsd, etc, don't make you happy unless you are already), the best way to start is by not comparing you to others, and you know why? Because YOU verhrzn, will always lose, not because you're ugly, but because YOU think you're ugly, and thus, the basis of your comparison will always put you in an unfavorable position (more like, guaranteed losers spot).

 

You think you're ugly, and thus will never look better than anyone .

You think you're hobbies, personality, likes and dislikes are average at best, so thus, you will never excel at these either.

 

See, you're putting yourself in a lose-lose situation every single time.

 

P.S. And this is probably important, stop seeking for validation from others. Period. If everyone tells you you are ugly, tell them to fu-ck off instead of agreeing with them. I guess this should be your first step into thinking positive.