should I win her back?

[c0nfuzd]

turnera you make me lol....truth be told she conceded last night that we can take turns at sleeping in our bedroom; when it's my turn she will sleep on the couch (cuz the basement is no good for her, but somehow it's ok for me) and when it's her turn, back to the basement I go........anyways, I have made a call to my D lawyer just now and waiting for his c/b...think I am about to initiate the process; just wanna see what he has to say before I jump in

[stillafool]

He might be setting up another email account or something so they can communicate. They assume you and his wife have access to current ones.

 

It is clear that this is the man she has always loved and she wants him to move out and be with her. That is why she is crying. She thought he loved her too. He is still lying to her. Since his d--- tastes so great to her - you should just give her to him. She is asking for separation rather than divorce to give him/them more time to plan.

[2long]

2sunny, you may be right in that she is trying to hide money; gonna ask her for access to her bank account as soon as she gets back; lucky for me, I already have an idea of what the amount of money is in there; if I see any discrepancy, that's it

 

No it isn't. I predict that you'll have some other reason for not acting.

 

What more do you need 2 know?

 

I'm glad you called a lawyer. I hope he urges you 2 take decisive action FAST.

 

-ol' 2long

[2sunny]

Here's the reality - you are trying to save something that was never there.

 

There was no M.

 

All the lies and deception - amounts to nothing I would describe as a M - I describe it as a farce! If you intend to hold onto a farce and find value in that - then just keep feeding the delusion that this has been a M.

 

What you are showing the kids - is the basis of what a M is - as long as you continue - you are showing them what to choose when they get M... They will choose a R as unhealthy as you have taught them.

 

Unless you get busy showing them what is NOT acceptable... By divorcing.

 

You CAN teach them something new - IF you begin to change - and show them what healthy looks like - even IF it's simply loving YOURSELF enough to NOT accept unacceptable behavior... The behavior of what your W has brought into the M - the behavior that YOU have made ok by accepting it as their sense of "normal".

 

That is a LOT to digest! I suggest you read it every day - to determine what healthy looks like - because what you have been accepting isn't healthy at all.

[2sunny]

You know - your initial question is "should I win her back?"

 

I want to know WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE WINNING?

 

By staying involved with her - actually looks like you are losing! Losing time - wasting many more days on a gal that hasn't shown you what live REALLY is!

 

There's nothing to win- she's never been "in" this marriage at all!

[c0nfuzd]

to be fair I haven't given you all the details 2sunny....we were living 2gether for 5 years before we got married and we had another 2 good years after the M started; I always felt her love for me and never questioned it....and I believe it was this that made me complacent...I stopped showing her my love and focused on my resentment of having children when I didn't want any (feel free to read my other thread in the abuse forum; link is in first post of this thread)

 

it was only over the last 2-3 years that I started noticing a change in her; like she didn't care anymore for me; I knew something was wrong but because of my drug addiction, kept sweeping it under the rug; she asked me to go for IC but I kept telling her that there is nothing wrong with me; perhaps she should have suggested MC and that may have worked better but like I said, using drugs at that time, I don't think anything she would have said would matter to me anyways; the high was more important than everything and everyone else; I was selfish

 

I should also clarify why I am not so devastated by her infidelity as many of you would want me to be; don't get me wrong, I don't condone it or feel good about it; but a bit of my personal history will shed light on this matter......prior to this woman, I cheated on every girl/woman I was with; I even had a full-fledged relationship with a MW, unbeknownst to me at the time (MW's mother told me about it and to be honest, I felt kinda proud of myself at the time but a little resentful deep down)...so I am no stranger to cheating; what really blows about all this is that since I met my W, I stopped cheating completely; she is the only woman in my life I have not betrayed; so it is ironic that the tables are turned on me at this point by the one woman I thought never would

 

I know I've made mistakes (big ones) and she's made mistakes 2; we both agree that our children are one good reason enough to try to make it work; we have agreed to go for MC (when she is ready....who knows when that will be? I hate this waiting game crap; she is doing IC right now) and she says at that time she will give it 100% (ie. full disclosure and effort to make it work; I will know if she is honest since I have been privvy to her emails)...I don't really have anything concrete at this point that she is still screwing this guy....she may be talking to him and that I am pretty sure of it but what about, I can only speculate; her time away from home is 100% accounted for, unlike before the time I exposed the A

 

if MC doesn't work out, then I can look the kids in the eye and tell them we made an honest attempt at it; as parents, it is our responsibility to at least try one last time....2gether this time

 

I just hope by giving her this time I am not setting myself up for another fall...I can't trust anything she says and does; it is really hard to live in our house at this time and until we get to MC, I won't be able to rest peacefully....I want to leave D as the final option

[2sunny]

Hmmm, so which is it - are you staying now? Staying with an IDEA that maybe, just maybe ten years from now she MIGHT decide its the right time for the MC to start?

 

You really could be waiting FOREVER for her to take action. It's YOUR job to take action - either she starts CHANGING EVERYTHING - or it's over!

 

She needs to quit the job today. You two need to move far away. You two need to be IN MC today!

 

Now... Not later! She keeps buying TIME - meanwhile she's not doing a thing to change the mess she's still creating!

 

Shes still cheating! She cries for him- isn't that cheating enough for you? Did you grow up with a Mom that didn't show you love??? Because it sure seems like that's your comfort zone.

 

Why should you stay in the M and have her treat you so poorly? Would you want this for your child? Wy is it good enough for you - not REALLY being loved by the woman you're married to?

 

That would completely bite!!!

[2sunny]

to be fair I haven't given you all the details 2sunny....we were living 2gether for 5 years before we got married and we had another 2 good years after the M started; I always felt her love for me and never questioned it....and I believe it was this that made me complacent...I stopped showing her my love and focused on my resentment of having children when I didn't want any (feel free to read my other thread in the abuse forum; link is in first post of this thread)

 

it was only over the last 2-3 years that I started noticing a change in her; like she didn't care anymore for me; I knew something was wrong but because of my drug addiction, kept sweeping it under the rug; she asked me to go for IC but I kept telling her that there is nothing wrong with me; perhaps she should have suggested MC and that may have worked better but like I said, using drugs at that time, I don't think anything she would have said would matter to me anyways; the high was more important than everything and everyone else; I was selfish

 

I should also clarify why I am not so devastated by her infidelity as many of you would want me to be; don't get me wrong, I don't condone it or feel good about it; but a bit of my personal history will shed light on this matter......prior to this woman, I cheated on every girl/woman I was with; I even had a full-fledged relationship with a MW, unbeknownst to me at the time (MW's mother told me about it and to be honest, I felt kinda proud of myself at the time but a little resentful deep down)...so I am no stranger to cheating; what really blows about all this is that since I met my W, I stopped cheating completely; she is the only woman in my life I have not betrayed; so it is ironic that the tables are turned on me at this point by the one woman I thought never would

 

I know I've made mistakes (big ones) and she's made mistakes 2; we both agree that our children are one good reason enough to try to make it work; we have agreed to go for MC (when she is ready....who knows when that will be? I hate this waiting game crap; she is doing IC right now) and she says at that time she will give it 100% (ie. full disclosure and effort to make it work; I will know if she is honest since I have been privvy to her emails)...I don't really have anything concrete at this point that she is still screwing this guy....she may be talking to him and that I am pretty sure of it but what about, I can only speculate; her time away from home is 100% accounted for, unlike before the time I exposed the A

 

if MC doesn't work out, then I can look the kids in the eye and tell them we made an honest attempt at it; as parents, it is our responsibility to at least try one last time....2gether this time

 

I just hope by giving her this time I am not setting myself up for another fall...I can't trust anything she says and does; it is really hard to live in our house at this time and until we get to MC, I won't be able to rest peacefully....I want to leave D as the final option

 

And NONE of this excuses what is currently happening - no bearing on the reality of NOW.

 

She's treating YOU like $hit - and you KNOW IT!!! And now you are ALLOWING it!!! You are allowing it because you just keep continuing to play that victim role.

 

Stay! But just stay and quit belly aching! Accept that THIS IS as good as its gonna get! You stay in a completely unloving marriage with a woman who treats you like crap!

 

Don't complain when your kids set up with heir spouse and it looks exactly the same! They choose what they are taught!

 

It IS your fault at this point - because YOU aren't willing to change it!

 

Fear is a real @itch sometimes isn't it?

 

Maybe you're afraid of what happy might look like? Maybe you feel you don't deserve it? Either way - you aren't respecting yourself at all. You've handed way too much power to the little wifey - who, by the way - LOVES the taste of her mans juices! That should be enough to send you to the divorce atty - but it isn't.

[c0nfuzd]

the outcum (lol) of MC will be the defining moment.... the sex part does not bother me as much as the deception part of it

 

oddly enough, her antics remind me of what I used to do

 

am I afraid of being happy? no, I am afraid of being away from the kids, I am afraid of not having tried everything under the sun to make this work...people change and so do feelings; who am I to say what she will be like a month or a year from now?

 

can't just give up because I am unhappy....so easy to throw away a M nowadays....just walk into that lawyer's office and away you go....much more difficult to endure the pain, to go for MC and put in the effort....at the end of the day, who is really suffering the consequences of our selfish decisions? these kids, these kids that didn't ask for any of this, all they want are 2 loving parents....but if they don't love each other, then it's a different story

 

last night W said that she believes she could love me again...she doesn't see it now but she can't deny that it's possible either

[2sunny]

Sheez... You expect so little - and seem to justify her bad behavior for her - making it perfectly acceptable!

 

Wooooot! A match made in heaven! Good luck with that.

[2sunny]

You ARE teaching your kids... Yep - they WILL have a loveless M just as you've demonstrated by what you are showing them M looks like.

 

Be proud of yourself when they are 40 - and come to you complaining that they HAVE to stay with a cheating spouse that isn't showing them any love or respect. You are their example of what a healthy M is - and this is very twisted.

[c0nfuzd]

I have given her till May to decide on M or D...why May? that marks 1 year since D-day and our separation (even though I am still in the house)

 

so at that point I can file straight for D...the state we are in will not go on for another 10 years....mark my words

[2sunny]

What's the point? So she can continue pining away for another man the rest of your marriage? Cuz that's what she's gonna do - and it will happen right in front of you!

 

Crying! Crying for HIM!

 

Why would you stay? She wants HIM - NOT YOU!!!

 

There's no marriage in that!

[2sunny]

You WIN... If that's the way YOU perceive it - I guess it makes it true, eh?

[c0nfuzd]

it's not about me winning....there are kids involved here; if they weren't around, this would already be a done deal and she agrees on this 2; can't just think about ourselves

 

her crying has but stopped; she has been calling me from abroad more often for past 2 days...I see her making an effort somewhat; it can't all happen overnight as I would deem it all fake then

 

I've got to look at the positives 2....but I remain vigilant nevertheless....I am not stupid or blind anymore; my senses are alert more than they ever have been in the last 10 years; I know that she is possibly being more careful in her ways, but sooner or later she will trip if she keeps insisting on continuing her A

 

besides, I will be having a talk again with OM and most likely his W as well....there is no need to rush anything; my lawyer assures me her hiding $ is not that big an issue as forensic accountants can uncover any of it if I see it necessary ; W has also told me she is willing to show me her bank accounts when she gets back 2morrow

[2sunny]

glad I spoke to her last night cuz the story gets even better....turns out she kissed and effed this guy while we were engaged....at the time, all I knew is that they shared an intimate kiss; hard to believe that I decided to still marry her just knowing this; I didn't know about them sleeping 2gether back then

 

anyways, here's an interesting tidbit; when she landed yesterday, she sent him the following message:

 

 

 

wonder if this is a new bank account that they are talking about or if it's work related? 2sunny, you may be right in that she is trying to hide money; gonna ask her for access to her bank account as soon as she gets back; lucky for me, I already have an idea of what the amount of money is in there; if I see any discrepancy, that's it

 

Her question to him - shows evidence that the A is still ongoing.

 

But I know you don't want to look at what's real. If you did - you may have to actually DO something about it.

 

Read up on being the doormat... It's fitting for you.

 

I've been in your shoes- but I had the courage and strength to divorce my cheating husband.

 

Your kids deserve to understand what a cheater their Mom really is! My kids know what a cheat their father is! They still love him but know his lack of character.

 

They also respect me for respecting MYSELF enough to leave him! They have told me how proud they are of me - that they know I deserve better than to settle for someone cheating on me.

 

Since you don't believe you deserve better - that's as much as you're going to get.

Edited February 16, 2012 by 2sunny

[2long]

I know I've made mistakes (big ones) and she's made mistakes 2; we both agree that our children are one good reason enough to try to make it work; we have agreed to go for MC (when she is ready....who knows when that will be?

 

She's never going 2 be "ready" because she isn't willing, right NOW, 2 do whatever it takes 2 convince you that she's ended the affair and wants 2 save her marriage 2 you.

 

I hate this waiting game crap; she is doing IC right now) and she says at that time she will give it 100% (ie. full disclosure and effort to make it work; I will know if she is honest since I have been privvy to her emails)...I don't really have anything concrete at this point that she is still screwing this guy....she may be talking to him and that I am pretty sure of it but what about, I can only speculate; her time away from home is 100% accounted for, unlike before the time I exposed the A

 

You hate the waiting now, but at some undetermined point in time you won't care what she does or what she wants - even if it's your marriage. You do know that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. The longer you set yourself up 2 wait for her 2 pull her head out of her nethers, the harder you're going 2 find it is for you 2 give a damn when she does.

 

if MC doesn't work out, then I can look the kids in the eye and tell them we made an honest attempt at it; as parents, it is our responsibility to at least try one last time....2gether this time

 

Forget "we made an honest attempt", because you're working alone - she's not attempting anything, except 2 preserve the affair. MC will be a complete waste of time and money if she doesn't end contact with the OM for life, and sooner rather than later. If you do go 2 an MC, go in there with the premise and understanding that your marriage ended when she chose 2 cheat on you. I agree that the kids deserve your efforts 2 repair things, but you need 2 recognize that it's a broken marriage that needs 2 be replaced, not a healthy relationship that got a little off the tracks.

 

I think you should suggest that your W join an infidelity forum (but not this one, this one is for you). But avoid the forums designed 2 teach you a specific method and lure you 2 pay for their coaching services - they'll chew her up, spit her out, and likely ban her. She needs 2 look for one that will help her end her affair. There are a few good ones.

 

I really don't have anything more 2 offer you, at least as long as you're defending her decision not 2 make a decision. Truth is, she has no right 2 make you wait for her 2 honor the promise she made 2 you when you got married.

 

Best of luck,

-ol' 2long

[2sunny]

And she's not crying anymore because they have resumed new ways to communicate - hence the new account comment from her.

[2sunny]

so lets recap confuzed you are looking after the kids while the wife is away bonking the otherman hmmmm.

 

And he's got his eyes closed so tight he thinks this is a win!

[robf1971]

And he's got his eyes closed so tight he thinks this is a win!

 

Drop your wife like a sack of fresh manure, she's gone anyway. Nothing can tear your wife away from this OM, the only option you have is to set your wife free for him.

[stillafool]

Hmmm, so which is it - are you staying now? Staying with an IDEA that maybe, just maybe ten years from now she MIGHT decide its the right time for the MC to start?

 

You really could be waiting FOREVER for her to take action. It's YOUR job to take action - either she starts CHANGING EVERYTHING - or it's over!

 

She needs to quit the job today. You two need to move far away. You two need to be IN MC today!

 

Now... Not later! She keeps buying TIME - meanwhile she's not doing a thing to change the mess she's still creating!

 

Shes still cheating! She cries for him- isn't that cheating enough for you? Did you grow up with a Mom that didn't show you love??? Because it sure seems like that's your comfort zone.

 

Why should you stay in the M and have her treat you so poorly? Would you want this for your child? Wy is it good enough for you - not REALLY being loved by the woman you're married to?

 

That would completely bite!!!

 

I completely agree. Confuzed is just very co-dependent and your wife knows this. She is doing IC and I guarantee confuzed name rarely comes up. She is seeking counseling to help her deal with the pain caused by the MM.

 

Confuzed your wife was having this affair while you were strung out on drugs. MM was married, she was married to you with kids, you weren't bothering her because you were into your drugs, so why shouldn't she stay where she was (with you) until MM decided he wanted to leave his life and be with her. That never happened. So you can stop blaming her affair on your past drug problem because it is clear as a bell to the rest of us what she is doing. You need to man up.

[stillafool]

the outcum (lol) of MC will be the defining moment.... the sex part does not bother me as much as the deception part of it

 

oddly enough, her antics remind me of what I used to do

 

am I afraid of being happy? no, I am afraid of being away from the kids, I am afraid of not having tried everything under the sun to make this work...people change and so do feelings; who am I to say what she will be like a month or a year from now?

 

can't just give up because I am unhappy....so easy to throw away a M nowadays....just walk into that lawyer's office and away you go....much more difficult to endure the pain, to go for MC and put in the effort....at the end of the day, who is really suffering the consequences of our selfish decisions? these kids, these kids that didn't ask for any of this, all they want are 2 loving parents....but if they don't love each other, then it's a different story

 

last night W said that she believes she could love me again...she doesn't see it now but she can't deny that it's possible either

 

 

Well if what you say above is true, then as 2Sunny says - Quit coming here and complaining and just know you are going to roll over like a pup whenever your WS wants you to. Stop using the kids as an excuse, your wife will let you see them; heck she will probably let you babysit more nights than you would like while she's out chasing the MM. Why don't you stop thinking about your wants and think about what is best for those kids and what they are exposed to?

[stillafool]

 

besides, I will be having a talk again with OM and most likely his W as well....there is no need to rush anything;

 

Why? Leave those people alone. MM cannot stop your wife from wanting him.

[ShatteredReality]

Ok, so let me get this straight in my brain. You'll have to excuse me for being slow on the uptake these days - my brain is on over drive as it's tax season.

 

So she did cheat with OM previously, but it was 10yrs ago before you were married, but while engaged. Did she have a reason for this? Or, rather, an excuse? Was she scared? Drunk? Did she think at that time she was not going to go through with the wedding? Just trying to understand the thought process behind it...so...then she didn't mess around with him AT ALL until the A started back up again a bit over a year ago?

 

Ok...well it's less hopeless than if she carried on a 10yr affair and you never even picked up on a clue...but it's still not excellent or wonderful.

 

I think you've allowed yourself to settle into a holding pattern - you're not moving from where you are right now. You're waiting to see what her next move is. Unfortunately, her typical moves without your influence are not toward you. If she contacted OM and asked about another account, I agree it is likely a different e-mail account and more than likely one with a chat engine. They may have "stopped" the affair, but if they keep in communication they will fall right back into it...and if she tries to get "closure" by "talking things out" with him "privately" then it will most certainly start back up again - assuming it hasn't thus far.

 

What you need to do is decide what you're going to do in different scenarios. Stop talking about it - that's the frustration you're seeing from folks here - they want actions to back your words. Otherwise you're simply having emotional outbursts with no actual resolution to the problem.

 

My oldest son is 11 - if he steps in dog crap in the yard he knows better than to bring it in the house...but if he were to stand on the stoop and tell me he stepped in dog crap - well he's no toddler. I am not going to come running with tissue and then help him get his shoes off and have him walk with me in a different pair of shoes to the hose to clean it up...get my drift? He gets to do these things on his own now - the most he's getting from me is a paper towel to avoid him having to come into the house and a drying towel for when he soaks himself with the hose. Your friends here at LS have been giving you paper towels and drying towels for awhile now...it's frustrating for them that you have not even looked for the hose to clean off your shoe. Instead you're talking about looking for the hose.

 

Maybe it's a bad analogy - but I am just trying to get you to understand how frustrating it can be....

 

I know you're in pain and vulnerable right now, I know you want to do what's best for the children...but watching their father move in and out of the basement while your marriage is in complete disarray is only teaching them what to expect from a "normal" relationship when they grow older. Do you want your son to follow in your footsteps? How about your daughter? (I sorta recall you saying you had one of each - could be wrong there) But either of them - what would you want to tell them to do if either of them were you right now? Or how about if either of them were your wife? Now take the advice you'd give your child and follow it.

 

You've given her until May...so you have given her 2-3 more months to mess around before coming to you and saying "let's work on this". And then, when she does that...she will waver again. And again. Any bad moment will be a moment she doubts whether she wants to work on your marriage. Two months isn't going to change that. It's how close you are to walking out the door that will change it - and only that. If you tell her you're leaving next weekend you will see a difference in her behavior. If you tell her you cannot live like this anymore and then SHOW her by actions, she will change her behavior. But so long as you give her deadlines on when to change her behavior, she will wait to meet that deadline every time. Guaranteed.

[2long]

SR:

 

The analogy was perfect. Grody - like infidelity! Stark visual images that anyone can relate 2.

 

The rest of the post was perfect, 2.

 

-ol' 2long