firemanq Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 I just read most of your story, I could not bear to read all of it. I cannot give you any advice, even though much of it, escept the the drug and alcohol abuse, is similar to what many of us went through. Even if I gave advice, you would ignore it, like you have ignored the advice given already. I pity your kids, they will be the ones to suffer most of all. I can see how mine have been hurt by the cheating and disrespect in the marriage of my x-wife and myself. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 I'm not following you...if she is no longer in an A, why would I ask her 2 leave? and even if she was, do I have the right 2 kick her out? it doesn't sound right to treat a woman this way no matter what she does Because YOU want to be part of the original family and SHE does NOT. Therefore, YOU stay in the home and the person who wants OUT....goes OUT. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 If you had actually gone to Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, you would know what step work means. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 I don't drink 2 get drunk...I enjoy scotch for its flavor...much like I enjoy tea; if you knew how much drugs I consumed over the years consistently, your comment would b different I assure you what is step work? I don't support you saying you have a year of sobriety when you drink scotch. Altered is altered. I drank a gallon of vodka every day - never did drugs. But if I switch to drugs and said I am sober I'd be lying. I don't see you "winning" your wife back. You are simply existing - not living - and certainly not a loving intimate relationship. It's hard to be supportive of you settling for so little. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 I've not read every reply, but I've been in Al Anon for close to 3 yrs from what an addict "added" to my life. From what I see here, you never worked a program (like AA) or worked your steps and still drink, so you're not healed in the least. My advice, instead of having this new addiction on getting her back, why not use all that energy and work on yourself in AA or with an addiction therapist. Nothing changes if nothing changes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 Ummm, now for a reality check for all of you posters on this thread. This dude was an abusive and absent addicted drug user for many years during his children's formative years. Do I need to repeat that? He didn't seek counseling, he almost certainly has not told the worst of his behaviors and abuses, and yet the Loveshack consensus is that the wife is at fault for occasionally seeking some love and affirmation during this hell. What are you people smoking? Where's the compassion for a wife that held this family together by herself financially, emotionally and parentally while she and the kids were being abused? For years and years and years while confused drug dad was off spending family money on his addictions. It's easy to say you've changed. He expects wife to hop back on the 'everything is ok bandwagon' after years of this crap at the snap of his fingers? How about getting his ass to therapy and earning a little respect and trust? Like for a year or two before he expects any changes. She has heard it all before, the promises, the pleading, and undoubtedly every time this dude went back to his drugs. Responses so far on this thread could only have come from Puritan fundamentalists or people totally ignorant about substance abuse and dependence. Get this guy to a therapist immediately. Drug abuse changes the brain and how people think. Until he deals with that and gets his head back to a more rational state, his 'dry drunk' thinking will continue and nothing will really change. Get off the wife's back. Note that she could have divorced this dude a long time ago. She likely has been waiting for a change but like any healthy person needs confirmation that its permanent, not another temporary promise that will be broken next week. They both need individual and couples therapy to make this work. Focusing on the wife's completely understandable need for a supportive friend and shoulder during this dude's self-imposed hell won't help this dude. Her work was the only island of rationality during all this. I think objective people can forgive her affair in comparison to the years and years of drug abuse and family abuse. The goal should be to help heal this family and that won't happen unless this dude does more than talk about change. agreed! No one is seeing the real picture here. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 I've also learned to never believe ANY addict unless he's worked his steps for at least a year. Addict tell tall tales, mask and deny reality. Your goal is to win here. WIN her back! Win yourself back, then she may trust you Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 so I found pics of W with OM in our house while I was in hospital bout a year ago for my surgery....needless to say the house has got to go if she files for D.....and of course this caused friction when I brought it up that if the M goes, so does the house....tried 2 make me feel guilty about it but no dice....I don't care that she had checked out of M when he was in our house, the fact of the matter is that neither one of them had any decency towards their own M to do something like this this argument was about 2 weeks ago and it has been quite since....she's more distant than ever now; I'm guessing the prospect of losing/selling the house affects her a lot; what did she expect? she used to stay home on Sundays, now she deserts me even on that day...at the very least, we can talk to each other normally when we do happen to be around each other I don't know why I just don't give up, but something deep inside tells me not to...I know you all want me to file but I just can't....part of me is depressed but part of me is still happy to be around the kids and her..yes I am pathetic but I also understand what I did Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 It's interesting the way you typed this last post. It's written as if you are removed - or an "observer" of your life. Very unhealthy perspective. You are ALLOWING stuff to just happen without taking a stance on principles. Get counseling- serious counseling for yourself. You need a healthy boundary and some solid RECOVERY! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 I'd be willing to bet that victim role you're so good at has been there since you were a child... Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 As long as there is no other man in her life, I can put up with these living arrangements...I've asked her 2 tell me if she gets involved with someone so that I can walk away...she says I am free 2 c other women... You are living in fear of the unknown. You risk damaging your children more living this life than one apart from this woman. This is not life, it's prison. You are being well advised. Living in strength starts with taking a stand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted June 23, 2012 Author Share Posted June 23, 2012 looks like this is the end of the road for this marriage... I am going to file on Tuesday morning....just can't take it anymore; too many lies....I just can't trust her and she wants to do nothing about restoring this trust....she is by far the most dishonest person I've ever met in my life she feels like she owes me no explanations for any of her actions; so it's ok for me to sleep in the basement, do all the work around the house while she carries on with other men enuff is enuff Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 It was over long ago - glad you are seeing it now. Best to move forward. Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 I hope to God that you will find a Codendendents Anonymous group near you. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 I am going to file on Tuesday morning.. Many will say it's overdue, but there's only one you. We all live by our own timetable. No one can fault you for trying but all of us learn sooner or later that one person can't love enough for two. There are no perfect people therefore, no perfect marriages. It's what we do today that counts most. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. LS is a good place to hang when it gets tough. Breathe! One day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredReality Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 Hey Confused. I am sorry to read how badly things have gone for you. I bowed out as I couldn't really offer you advice...but I've kept following you. Sometimes the biggest changes...the ones we fear the most...they are the ones that - once made - bring us the most peace. I also know first hand that no one can tell you what choice you need to make. It's all on you. So whether you should have left 6 months ago, or whether you should leave now - that's all up to you. But you recognize that for yourself, it's time to go, so do yourself a favor. Rip the band aid off. If you don't, you'll find reasons to leave it there awhile longer. But once you make a choice...you need to stick with it, or you'll constantly be second guessing yourself...wondering if you should change your mind, yet again...and it's just a long painful road back to the first choice you made. Also - make sure you know the reasons why. If not for your ability to explain it when asked, at the very least for yourself. Hope you're able to start seeing things on an upswing soon! Link to post Share on other sites
Guitarjeff Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 I have just read this entire thread and I am sickened. Confused, you have to be the champion door mat that i have ever seen in these divorce and infidelity groups. If you loved pain and wanted your pain to last as long as possible, you could not have done any better. Your actions have made it impossible for her to respect you and even for you to respect yourself. Your children as well could never respect their father if they knew what he was allowing to happen to himself. How is it they can respect you if you have no self respect? Do you realize that divorce will be the FASTEST WAY for your agony to end? Do you realize that in four or five short months you will actually be a decent way down the new path of your life, with goals and hopes for your future? Do you realize that if you continue to let her toy with you like a puppet on a string that your pain and misery could possibly continue for years? If she ends up wanting to stay do you realize that you will find out that you don't want what you have near as much as you thought you would? Don't you see that her affair will eat at you like a cancer for the rest of your life? You have allowed yourself to be strung along and toyed with for months and months, and your agony will continue as long as you allow yourself to be disrespected like this, even for years in the future as long as you let her treat you like an emotional slave, can't you see this? End this night mare in your life, file for divorce immediately and start down your new path where your only true happiness waits. Do not let her stop you because it will only be her pulling the puppet strings as usual, she doesn't respect you and you can't love someone you don't respect, can't you see this? Don't you wonder what it would be like to actually have a wife that HAS NEVER and WOULD NEVER cheat on you? Wouldn't that be incredible? You are going to hate yourself in the future if you continue to let this farce continue. She will find another man that she respects to cheat with. you are only her temp plan B for a while until she runs in to that real man in the future that she respects, and she will drop you like a hot rock when unlike her first lover, the next one agrees to leave his wife for her or happens not to be married. Don't you see that you will be waiting around for this to happen, knowing in your gut that it will probably happen sooner or later and that this will eat at you like the worst cancer on earth? There is a woman out there in the world right now that is destined to be with you if you will just stand up for yourself and move forward. Don't you think that life is worth fighting for? That woman of your future will not cheat on you, not even while you are engaged. You deserve this woman, and she deserves you, and you will find each other if you are willing to stop allowing yourself to live in fear and weakness. GET OUT of this sham of a marriage with a woman who does not respect you and does not love you, do it now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SimonMas Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 looks like this is the end of the road for this marriage... I am going to file on Tuesday morning....just can't take it anymore; too many lies....I just can't trust her and she wants to do nothing about restoring this trust....she is by far the most dishonest person I've ever met in my life she feels like she owes me no explanations for any of her actions; so it's ok for me to sleep in the basement, do all the work around the house while she carries on with other men enuff is enuff OP, I hope you are staying strong and moving forward. It is time to close this chapter with your STBXW and begin a new one. I wish you all the best. Simon Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 well it's been a while now...I needed to clear my head and thoughts before I proceeded. so I wasn't 100% sure when I said would do it in that last post. I endured some more over the last few months but in a quieter, less argumentative environment I am absolutely positive we did not have 1 argument since summertime so I thought things were going well in a weird way lol. but then recently I got an alert on my phone that OM's birthday was coming up and wouldn't you know it but somehow she's got a trip booked and he's on it as well 2 days after his bday....this is the straw that broke the camel's back I finally decided it was time to get out. so Called her up and told her I am ready to sit down and go over the D details, get a mediatator involved and dissolve this M as early as after the Holidays are over (I want the children to enjoy this festive season without any interference from our woes) the countdown is on I've asked her to play fair in the division of assets and child custody/visitation rights and she said she woudln't have it any other way I no longer wish to be an obstacle between her and her boss; I wish her well and most of all happiness; I sincerely hope she has the most fulfilling life from here on I've made it clear that I WILL NOT divulge any of this to anyone in her family, her friends, her employer, and even OM's wife (I really wanted to tip her off to all this but what's the point? she was a weirdo anyways) I look at this as a new chapter in my life....let's see what happens. I will update more often. I just needed the time to realize the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 I'd splash all her details to all family, her friends, her company and to the other betrayed wife. She did this - she shouldn't be ashamed of her actions, right? No need to hide her truth from anyone. Tell all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 nah this will only hurt her more; retribution will not solve anything.....besides, all the info I have is thru that keylogger which is illegal anyways. bottom line is that I did not treat this woman right; had I been there for her emotionally all these years and supported her as a normal husband would have during her pregnancies, I prolly wouldn't be here writing this post something was mising for her in this marriage and she dealt with it as she figured best; by falling in love with another man; the only mistake she made was dragging me thru it; she should have divorced then and carried on; instead she played me for a fool thinking I would never figure it out.... it's my only wish this Christmas; that she finds true happiness now that I am out of the picture; she has made it crystal clear I am the only reason she is not happy in her life....so going forward she won't have to point the finger at me no more when things go wrong it's quite strange, I feel so at peace now; no longer worried about my uncertain future, no longer saddened that I am walking away from my family. in other words.....oh well Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 I can understand the reasoning behind your not wanting 2 expose 2 friends and family at this time... ...after all, what if it made her want 2 stay married 2 you?? If my W cheats again, I want her 2 find happiness so I don't have 2 worry about her ever wanting 2 come home again. But your statements that, in a nutshell but not in so many words, her affair is your fault? Well, that's just plain Bull Feathers. -ol' 2long 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 it's quite simple the way I see it. This woman loved me well before we got married and that I cannot deny as I remember that time well. But something happened in between our dating and the time we got married. It was definitely my drug use and negativity that pushed her away slowly. That affair she had with OM during our engagement was a wake-up call in disguise. She was missing something then and her answer was this OM. He was the knight in shining armor (it doesn't matter that it was her boss and that he's married; could have been another man). Unfortunately she only admitted to kissing him, nothing more. But, and this is something I didn't realize back then, even a kiss was an alarm. That a woman could allow another man to kiss her (and she was not drunk at the time) while being engaged speaks volumes as to the state of her relationship. And what did I do upon hearing of this egregious kiss? Got mad for a little bit and then looked the other way, not ever changing anything about myself. So 10 years went by, my demeanor only getting worse over the years. Verbal abuse, drug abuse, emotional parental absenteeism, all took their toll on her. She tried dealing with us but I would only push her away and blame her for the state of affairs. I guess she got fed up completely and resumed her relationship with this man. Can I blame her? Not really. There is no doubt in my mind had I been a better man and treated her with more respect, cared for her especially during hard times, she would not have gone back and I could have won her back. But I didn't do any of that. Honestly, I don't think I did anything right. If a woman is satisfied completely in her relationship she will see no need to look elsewhere. In the end, it's obvious I could not make her happy. I never lived up to her expectations. You live and learn right? Let's assume that I get into another relationship down the road (not bloody likely but let's hypothesize), I would never repeat the mistakes I made. So there is a positive in all this. The next woman will inherit that man's riches and would probably owe some gratitude to my STBXW. Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 You know? As far as I'm concerned, the only mistake you've made is marrying her in the first place. So you didn't know she'd had an affair before you married her? Is that your fault? You've got 2 be kidding! Your problems are yours 2 own. Your behavior NEVER made her do anything. her problems are hers 2 own. Her cheating was a choice. Not your responsibility. So what if you'd been a better man? Of course it's always best 2 strive 2 improve yourself. But if you don't, or if you fall short of someone else's expectations of you? She couldn't even be truthful or honest with you before marrying you and for 10 years cheating on you. Before you can have a healthy relationship with someone else, you need 2 learn a lot about responsibility, and who owns what. Say goodbye. She's been gone a LONG TIME. -ol' 2long Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 funny..she said the same thing ol' 2.....that this whole marriage was a lie, a sham and a mistake......and she is right.....I didn't see it at the time but it's so clear 2 me now anyways, the holidays have passed (we had good ones) and of course she did not bring up our situation so 2night I did....I explained 2 her 1 last time where my heart belongs and what I want 2 achieve 4 our children and that is 2 give them a proper environment where 2 parents love 1 another....I talked 2 her in a calm voice, trying 2 persuade her 1 last time 2 give us a chance....but she would have none of it I told her it's decision time....I can no longer sleep in the basement, be unhappy while she carries on with another man.....I can't look the other way anymore......and of course she denied the OM we are going to sit down shortly and go over the assets, figure out the easiest way 2 proceed with D and minimize the legal costs....it pains me 2 do this but I see no other way out....she is truly unrecognizable....here is a woman I thought I knew inside out, trusted her more than anyone else in this world.....in the end, I don't think I really ever knew her, the biggest fraud in my life this is the end of us....maybe 1 day under a different cloud things can be different...maybe I have learned some valuable lessons from all this...how 2 treat a woman with respect and dignity and not 2 ever trust another human being completely and unconditionally my biggest regret in all this is having given her kids...this woman did not deserve my kids.....I find comfort in the fact they are beautiful, smart and healthy and that they can call me their dad Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts