Significant necklace?

[MissBee]

My thought is that you need to but an end to this woman being in your life. You are still invested in someone who means nothing to you. Don't concern yourself with what's going on with her, what's happening in her mind. You have to try and just look to the future. Let it go! Try and move forward with your husband that you have by your side. Let the dust settle.

 

I have to agree Emme.

 

I imagine the ultimate goal is indifference and I do not think contacting an exOW's current man, looking at her FB, ganging up against her with another BW is really working towards the end of indifference....

 

It's not about not having a right to feel as you do...it's about okay are all feelings good to act on and if you are still finding ways to eff with the OW, have you moved on?

 

My question to Sid is: if you tell this current man and he does not care and she still continues to wear the necklace, how will that affect your life possibly? Will you feel worst? Better? Be able to ignore her....or will some new thing come up that upsets you? If she never stops wearing the necklace, will that prevent your healing? If she chooses to stop wearing it, will it speed your healing?

 

One cannot control another...especially not your husband's former OW....and if she wants to shout from the hills that she had your man one time and still wears his necklace...you're going to have to find a way to deal with it in a way that minimizes her and uplifts you and your end.

 

If this woman doesn't care about you anymore...let's just say the necklace is not an eff you to you...and you do all this, you may simply come off as being obsessed with her and her life and she may find pleasure in that or find you pathetic. I wouldn't give her that opportunity. If it was meant as an eff you, you not noticing it would rain on her parade....you noticing and taking action however would be EXACTLY what she wants. I don't think reconciling a marriage and the OW and BS playing games with each other go hand in hand. I can imagine her trying to say eff you and you looking at her FB and saying "Well you wanna play like that, okaaay...I am going to tell your man what you've been up to"... and then the cycle of drama continues, as it is quite unlikely she will take it lying down. Is it really worth it? Are we losing sight of what's important? It's not a competition between the two of you; she should be SHUT OUT permanently. How does your husband feel about this whole matter by the way ? Does he have an opinion on this? I think your relationship with him and all these feelings should be discussed with HIM and be central...you and the OW are not in a relationship and you really should give her little airplay.

 

I just don't think giving her airplay is necessary and I see it more as something that can turn out negatively than something that will have a positive outcome. Your husband gave her a necklace, he may have given her hickies, he may have told her he loved her, he may have given her a child (? if I read correctly), he may have done a lot of hurtful things that you cannot see...but it's all the same or worst in the case of a child, and if you forgave him for those other intangible things, then this shouldn't be any worst. I really do get how it is irritating and upsetting, believe me....hence I am not sure I could reconcile, as reconciling in my mind is getting to a point of forgiving and not bringing it back up and allowing it to hurt me anew....if it's still hurting me anew years later then we have a problem. My advice would be to focus on you and your husband and how you both can ignore her and rebuild a life where she is of no concern, or at least, negligible concern, a passing thought on the wind... versus dabbling in this woman's affairs.

Edited October 12, 2011 by MissBee

[SidLyon]

I have to agree Emme.

 

I imagine the ultimate goal is indifference and I do not think contacting an exOW's current man, looking at her FB, ganging up against her with another BW is really working towards the end of indifference....

 

My goal is to recover my marriage, something that is going very nicely right now nearly 3 years post d-day. I don't need to feel indifferent to the OW to achieve this. If I find ways to feel better than her and more powerful in my own life then that helps achieve my goals regarding my husband and marriage. From an OW perspective I understand that the ultimate goal for an OW who has not been "chosen" may be indifference. I am coming to think that it may be different for a BW as we see so much divide on LS about this very issue.

 

It's not about not having a right to feel as you do...it's about okay are all feelings good to act on and if you are still finding ways to eff with the OW, have you moved on?

 

See above and my previous posts. I feel my feelings, maybe tell my H and post to LS but I rarely act on them because what may happen IRL may end up very different to my fantasy. Do you not ever imagine a situation of you interacting with or having a conversation with someone else where that interaction or conversation never actually happens or if it does it turns out very different to what you imagined?

 

My question to Sid is: if you tell this current man and he does not care and she still continues to wear the necklace, how will that affect your life possibly? Will you feel worst? Better? Be able to ignore her....or will some new thing come up that upsets you? If she never stops wearing the necklace, will that prevent your healing? If she chooses to stop wearing it, will it speed your healing?

 

One cannot control another...especially not your husband's former OW....and if she wants to shout from the hills that she had your man one time and still wears his necklace...you're going to have to find a way to deal with it in a way that minimizes her and uplifts you and your end.

 

If any of this were to happen it wouldn't affect me in the slightest. I cannot control or dictate how he or she would react. I would get satisfaction just from doing what I was able to do.

 

If this woman doesn't care about you anymore...let's just say the necklace is not an eff you to you...and you do all this, you may simply come off as being obsessed with her and her life and she may find pleasure in that or find you pathetic.

 

This does not matter to me. I know the extent or lack of my "obsession" with her anyway. I expect she already thinks I am pathetic because that seems to be the attitude here on LS of many OW to their MM's BW.

 

I wouldn't give her that opportunity. If it was meant as an eff you, you not noticing it would rain on her parade....you noticing and taking action however would be EXACTLY what she wants. I don't think reconciling a marriage and the OW and BS playing games with each other go hand in hand. I can imagine her trying to say eff you and you looking at her FB and saying "Well you wanna play like that, okaaay...I am going to tell your man what you've been up to"... and then the cycle of drama continues, as it is quite unlikely she will take it lying down. Is it really worth it? Are we losing sight of what's important? It's not a competition between the two of you; she should be SHUT OUT permanently. How does your husband feel about this whole matter by the way ? Does he have an opinion on this? I think your relationship with him and all these feelings should be discussed with HIM and be central...you and the OW are not in a relationship and you really should give her little airplay.

 

As I keep repeating I don't give a stuff about her reaction and of course I discuss it with my H. I did ask in the original post about what could be her motivation in wearing the necklace and it was established pages ago that it could either be a FU to me or she just likes the necklace, or somewhere in between. There's been no consensus that it's definitely one or the other and I accept that. For that reason I won't be contacting her new MM.

 

I just don't think giving her airplay is necessary and I see it more as something that can turn out negatively than something that will have a positive outcome. Your husband gave her a necklace, he may have given her hickies, he may have told her he loved her, he may have given her a child (? if I read correctly), he may have done a lot of hurtful things that you cannot see...but it's all the same or worst in the case of a child, and if you forgave him for those other intangible things, then this shouldn't be any worst. I really do get how it is irritating and upsetting, believe me....hence I am not sure I could reconcile, as reconciling in my mind is getting to a point of forgiving and not bringing it back up and allowing it to hurt me anew....if it's still hurting me anew years later then we have a problem. My advice would be to focus on you and your husband and how you both can ignore her and rebuild a life where she is of no concern, or at least, negligible concern, a passing thought on the wind... versus dabbling in this woman's affairs.

 

You mention it could turn out negatively and I assume like a couple of others you means she would retaliate. I ask again what that could be that could hurt me? Apart from illegal activity I doubt there's anything she could do but await with interest to hear what you and a couple of others would actually do. There is little possibility she would lure my H back if that's what you are implying, but if she did she's welcome to him.

 

My responses in bold. It does seem to me that there's a fundamental difference in the way a BW and an OW looks at what "no contact" is and means. For me it was a promise that my H made to me. The OW is not part of that. She may or may not have independently decided to go NC with my H (if she did she broke it). It was never an agreement between them.

[xxoo]

Sid, are you sure there is nothing she could say that would hurt you and your marriage? I don't mean that she could hurt your reputation, or imply that you've done anything wrong. I'm concerned that she could unearth old hurts, and possibly inflict new ones (previously unrevealed details of the affair), that could mean a setback for you if you engage her.

[MissBee]

[/b]

 

My responses in bold. It does seem to me that there's a fundamental difference in the way a BW and an OW looks at what "no contact" is and means. For me it was a promise that my H made to me. The OW is not part of that. She may or may not have independently decided to go NC with my H (if she did she broke it). It was never an agreement between them.

 

I'm not an OW...so I am not really sure what you mean, or if you are chalking up my response to the thoughts of a monolithic group of OW. But that is not the stance I am posting from. I am posting from the stance of how I conduct myself in my own life, in regards to getting over some hurt or incident with some third party that I don't feel I need to have anything to do with once the damage has been done. This goes for exes, a friend who betrays me, some other person who has done me wrong...my goal is always to get to a point where I don't care about them (or specifically the hurt) anymore as I have risen above that circumstance. Still caring about them and worst yet caring to ruin their life only perpetuates the initial incident.

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If I find ways to feel better than her and more powerful in my own life then that helps achieve my goals regarding my husband and marriage.

If you feel like you need to feel better than her in order to have power over your life...I do believe it is a futile venture, especially since there is no way you can guarantee that you'll achieve this. How can you ensure you feel better than her? I don't get that, which is why I brought up what if she could care less about you? Then no matter what you do, you may not feel better than her, how can you know how she feels...hence a futile venture. This seems like excess dabbling in her life in order to know how she feels or doesn't feel so you can know if you feel better than her....your husband doesn't mind this type of dabbling? I'd imagine I'd feel uncomfortable with my spouse dabbling in my exOM's life because he wants to feel better.

 

This is for anyone who tells me this...even if it has nothing to do with cheating but just other situations in life where they've been wronged. That is just not my philosophy and my aim is to rise above it...that is...this person's life makes no impact on me, my choices, what I think or do and certainly I don't feel like the only way for me to have power is to make them feel bad. Isn't that what bullies do? Make themselves feel good and powerful by making others feel bad? It's also something I hope to pass on to my children...people will wrong you, but you have the power (that doesn't include retaliating against them) to rise above it and not get caught up in pay back. Likewise...I experienced full healing from my ex (I was not an OW, this was a normal relationship for the record) when I stopped caring about every move he made and what he did and did not do.....I used to always wonder if his life was crappy, as that initially made me feel good to feel like it was crappy, but that was the unhealed me speaking and how I knew I was still suffering from emotional wounds. The healed me now can wish him happiness but mostly I don't think about if he is happy or not as neither makes a difference in my own life. That is a marker of healing for me...when I can either wish people who once wronged me well or I simply have no emotional energy (good or bad) for them. I feel like if I still hate them or want to feel better than them...then sadly, while they may be living their life, I am still caught up.

 

I disagree with your stance and no matter if a BS, WS, OW, any other acronym said it I'd say the same. An OW who wants to one up a BS after dday or hurt the former AP long after is just the same to me as a BS doing the same....both IMO are wasting time and energy on a futile venture. However, I am well aware that you are free to do as you see fit. I did not however appreciate you lumping me into a category of OW, as if anyone who thinks that the goal is to move on from hurt and not try to hurt another to feel better has to be an OW, when that to me is a basic, and GOOD way to live one's life. It has worked for me personally, but maybe for others the drama of doing what you plan to do is therapeutic...for me it wouldn't be...

 

The negativity was not in terms of retaliation but in terms of mentally, emotionally, etc for you. As for luring your husband backi I am quite confused as to how that would even be a logical outcome of the whole thing????? So no, I did not mean that and don't see the connection. I just do not see how this drama..and yes to me it is drama....would somehow help, but again you've explained that it would make you feel better....soooo if such is the case, then by all means. But for me, it would just add more drama to my life. I don't need some woman calling me to complain, some man complaining, some woman trying to retaliate or not, and I don't need any back and forth. If I am taking my wayward spouse back I have zero desire to periodically get into it with his exOW....I am not her so I don't know what kind of woman she is and what she'd do but what I say to you is what I'd do...I'd promptly ignore you and take up the issue with my man, probably tell him you're crazy and just are trying to eff with me but I would not get into it with you probably as I don't think that would be of any use and you may hate me forever so why bother? So might as well try to worry about getting my man not to believe it.

Edited October 12, 2011 by MissBee

[SidLyon]

I'm not an OW...so I am not really sure what you mean, or if you are chalking up my response to the thoughts of a monolithic group of OW. But that is not the stance I am posting from. I am posting from the stance of how I conduct myself in my own life, in regards to getting over some hurt or incident with some third party that I don't feel I need to have anything to do with once the damage has been done. This goes for exes, a friend who betrays me, some other person who has done me wrong...my goal is always to get to a point where I don't care about them anymore as I have risen above that circumstance. Still caring about them and worst yet caring to ruin their life only perpetuates the initial incident.

 

That is a great way to be but not everyone gets over old hurts in the same way. Me and my hubby are actually happy and moving forward with our relationship which is the important thing here. I do not feel that me giving head space to the OW perpetuates the original incident which was the A.

 

If you feel like you need to feel better than her in order to have power over your life...I do believe it is a futile venture, especially since there is no way you can guarantee that you'll achieve this. How can you ensure you feel better than her?

 

I meant that I feel that I am a better person than she is. Not that I feel better than she does. I have no idea how she feels. I used the word "and"; so I didn't say at all that I need to feel better than her in order to feel more powerful, but that I need to feel I'm a better person than she is (and I do) and I need to feel powerful in my own life (and I do now, but didn't for a long time post d-day). I hope I have clarified...

 

I don't get that, which is why I brought up what if she could care less about you? Then no matter what you do, you may not feel better than her...hence a futile venture. This is for anyone who tells me this...even if it has nothing to do with cheating but just other situations in life where they've been wronged. That is just not my philosophy and my aim is to rise above it...that is...this person's life makes no impact on me, my choices, what I think or do and certainly I don't feel like the only way for me to have power is to make them feel bad. Isn't that what bullies do? Make themselves feel good and powerful by making others feel bad? It's also something I hope to pass on to my children...people will wrong you, but you have the power (that doesn't include retaliating against them) to rise above it and not get caught up in pay back. Likewise...I experienced full healing from my ex (I was not an OW, this was a normal relationship for the record) when I stopped caring about every move he made and what he did and did not do.....I used to always wonder if his life was crappy, as that initially made me feel good to feel like it was crappy, but that was the unhealed me speaking and how I knew I was still suffering from emotional wounds. The healed me now can wish him happiness but mostly I don't think about if he is happy or not as neither makes a difference in my own life. That is a marker of healing for me...when I can either wish people who once wronged me well or I simply have no emotional energy (good or bad) for them. I feel like if I still hate them or want to feel better than them...then sadly, while they may be living their life, I am still caught up.

 

Read what I said above. This is an irrelevant tangent given what I actually wrote. I honestly have no idea whether I feel better about myself than she feels about herself. But I do know that I feel/know I am a much better person.

 

I disagree with your stance and no matter if a BS, WS, OW, any other acronym said it I'd say the same. An OW who wants to one up a BS after dday or hurt the former AP long after is just the same to me as a BS doing the same....both IMO are wasting time and energy on a futile venture. However, I am well aware that you are free to do as you see fit. I did not however appreciate you lumping me into a category of OW, as if anyone who thinks that the goal is to move on from hurt and not try to hurt another to feel better has to be an OW, when that to me is a basic, and GOOD way to live one's life. It has worked for me personally, but maybe for others the drama of doing what you plan to do is therapeutic...for me it wouldn't be...

 

I do in general see a difference in attitude between OW (current and previous ) and BW (current and previous) on LS in a number of areas. It's a generalisation only and of course there's overlap with those who've been both and others who don't conform to the generalisation.

 

Because of your misunderstanding about what I meant by "better" I'm not sure if you still disagree with my stance. If so that's the beauty of discussion isn't it.

 

I live my life very ethically and my fWH's A threw a spanner in the works. I had never given any consideration before about how I was to behave ethically to a husband who had betrayed me so badly and a morally bankrupt woman who did not share my views on leading an ethical life. In the end I decided my primary obligation was to behave ethically to my H (eg no revenge affair, no abuse etc) and I had little obligation to the OW apart from not behaving illegally. That is what I'm comfortable with.

 

The negativity was not in terms of retaliation but in terms of mentally, emotionally, etc. I just do not see how this drama..and yes to me it is drama....would somehow help, but again you've explained that it would make you feel better....soooo if such is the case, then by all means. But for me, it would just add more drama to my life. I don't need some woman calling me to complain, some man complaining, some woman trying to retaliate or not, and I don't need any back and forth. If I am taking my wayward spouse back I have zero desire to periodically get into it with his exOW....

 

My comments again in bold.

 

As I thought I'd said repeatedly I haven't actually done anything about this. Merely raised it on LS and discussed with my H. There is no drama that the OW could be aware of ...

 

... yet (just kidding).

[MissBee]

I do not feel that me giving head space to the OW perpetuates the original incident which was the A.

 

 

I meant that I feel that I am a better person than she is. Not that I feel better than she does. I have no idea how she feels. I used the word "and"; so I didn't say at all that I need to feel better than her in order to feel more powerful, but that I need to feel I'm a better person than she is (and I do) and I need to feel powerful in my own life (and I do now, but didn't for a long time post d-day). I hope I have clarified...

 

 

I do in general see a difference in attitude between OW (current and previous ) and BW (current and previous) on LS in a number of areas

I think we will continue to disagree in terms of the matter of head space...which is my sole contention, that she should be given as least as possible (which of course looking at her FB or speaking to her man, which I see you said you have not done, would require much of that). That's it. If you need to feel like a better person than her...that again to me is using her as a measuring stick, which doesn't need to happen. I do get it to a point, I am after all human myself (and not an OW or some acronym of something that happened a while back that doesn't classify me as a person or inform my philosophies on life)....but I'm saying the thoughts you're exhibiting are characteristic (well for myself anyway) of earlier in the healing process where it was easier to care more about the other, but as time went on for me, it became less and less significant until I didn't care one way or another and that is how I've always measured whether or not I am healing or healed....the less head space I give to a situation or person.

 

I do not believe, again, that this has anything to do with being a BS or former OW or what have you. I am speaking broadly about all forms of hurt and betrayal and my process of healing from it....not just cheating scenarios. From where I stand my gauge of my wellness is that I do not care about that person anymore...maybe for you you have another marker of this. Maybe in the next 5 years you won't care anymore about looking at her Facebook or if she wears that jewelry....I hope so. If however, you genuinely feel like if something like this came up again 5 years from now and it bothered you...it was not alarming...then I cannot tell you not to feel that way but just for myself and my own healing barometer...I'd hope not to care one way or another as the years go by. Giving head space to the exOW years later doesn't work with my way of healing (and again, this is how I process all hurt...it becomes less painful, less bothersome and then indifferent overtime), but I do concede that it is possible that it works for you and there is no way I can tell you otherwise. Well I could, but you don't have to believe me.

Edited October 12, 2011 by MissBee

[SidLyon]

I think we will continue to disagree in terms of the matter of head space...which is my sole contention, that she should be given as least as possible (which of course looking at her FB or speaking to her man, which I see you said you have not done, would require much of that). That's it. If you need to feel like a better person than her...that again to me is using her as a measuring stick, which doesn't need to happen. I do get it to a point, I am after all human myself (and not an OW or some acronym of something that happened a while back that doesn't classify me as a person or inform my philosophies on life)....but I'm saying the thoughts you're exhibiting are characteristic (well for myself anyway) of earlier in the healing process where it was easier to care more about the other, but as time went on for me, it became less and less significant until I didn't care one way or another and that is how I've always measured whether or not I am healing or healed....the less head space I give to a situation or person.

 

I do not believe, again, that this has anything to do with being a BS or former OW or what have you. I am speaking broadly about all forms of hurt and betrayal and my process of healing from it....not just cheating scenarios. From where I stand my gauge of my wellness is that I do not care about that person anymore...maybe for you you have another marker of this. Maybe in the next 5 years you won't care anymore about looking at her Facebook or if she wears that jewelry....I hope so. If however, you genuinely feel like if something like this came up again 5 years from now and it bothered you...it was not alarming...then I cannot tell you not to feel that way but just for myself and my own healing barometer...I'd hope not to care one way or another as the years go by. Giving head space to the exOW years later doesn't work with my way of healing (and again, this is how I process all hurt...it becomes less painful, less bothersome and then indifferent overtime), but I do concede that it is possible that it works for you and there is no way I can tell you otherwise. Well I could, but you don't have to believe me.

 

 

Quite possibly you are much more advanced than I in the healing process, but does that really matter. If you believe you are (and you seem to) then perhaps you should just accept that and accept that because I am advancing in the healing process myself that I will get there eventually.

 

It is better than delivering remarks that seem to criticise me for not healing at the rate and in the manner that you (generic you) deem appropriate.

 

Nothing anyone on LS can say will somehow miraculously advance my healing process. I am confident it will happen, mainly because it has already been happening.

 

If for example, I get to a stage where I am completely indifferent to the OW expressing a desire to be with my H (even though I don't know that to be true) then it may actually mean I don't care about him any more.

 

I doubt there are many married people who are 100% comfortable with the thought that some one else is chasing their spouse. This is hypothetical of course as I really don't know the significance of her wearing the necklace. Which is why I started this thread.

 

I'm none the wiser about it but I have noticed that people who have not successfully recovered a marriage (whether they be OW or BW whose marriages didn't make it or whose marriage continued as before or anyone else who just hasn't been in that situation - lucky - lucky) have some strange ideas about what happens during that recovery.

 

I've seen remarks, mainly by OW thrown under the bus, such as:

 

- sweeping it under the rug

- sailing off into the sunset as if nothing had ever happened

- staying in his miserable marriage

 

etc etc all of which demonstrate this.

 

BTW MissBee thanks for your comments and don't take this too personally as I admit to generalising and of course I know it doesn't apply to everyone.

[MissBee]

Quite possibly you are much more advanced than I in the healing process, but does that really matter. If you believe you are (and you seem to) then perhaps you should just accept that and accept that because I am advancing in the healing process myself that I will get there eventually.

 

It is better than delivering remarks that seem to criticise me for not healing at the rate and in the manner that you (generic you) deem appropriate.

 

Nothing anyone on LS can say will somehow miraculously advance my healing process. I am confident it will happen, mainly because it has already been happening.

 

If for example, I get to a stage where I am completely indifferent to the OW expressing a desire to be with my H (even though I don't know that to be true) then it may actually mean I don't care about him any more.

 

I doubt there are many married people who are 100% comfortable with the thought that some one else is chasing their spouse. This is hypothetical of course as I really don't know the significance of her wearing the necklace. Which is why I started this thread.

 

I'm none the wiser about it but I have noticed that people who have not successfully recovered a marriage (whether they be OW or BW whose marriages didn't make it or whose marriage continued as before or anyone else who just hasn't been in that situation - lucky - lucky) have some strange ideas about what happens during that recovery.

 

I've seen remarks, mainly by OW thrown under the bus, such as:

 

- sweeping it under the rug

- sailing off into the sunset as if nothing had ever happened

- staying in his miserable marriage

 

etc etc all of which demonstrate this.

 

BTW MissBee thanks for your comments and don't take this too personally as I admit to generalising and of course I know it doesn't apply to everyone.

 

I didn't mean to sound critical...although my posting style on an advice/support board will often pose critical questions or things to make one consider their situation differently.

 

In my last post I did say I conceded that for you there may be a different standard and that maybe now you feel this way but hopefully in the next 5 years it wouldn't be an issue.

 

I have never been one to care about who wants my man...and I have told a jealous ex before who thought everyone wanted me, that what did it matter??? If I don't want them, unless they rape or drug me then them wanting me won't matter and I will not put myself in that situation as I do not care for them in that way. So that is my own personal attitude....a woman actually seeking my man actively is rude and disrespectful and I expect him to handle it and I too may have to say something but as to if she secretly does or does not or I cannot be sure...then it doesn't matter as I imagine many women might fancy him in the privacy of their minds but unless he wants them too...then it means nothing. I do get though that in regards to a woman he has cheated with before it is more contentious...but more or less it still stands.

 

As for the recovery or reconciliation process....that's another matter, as I at this moment cannot imagine it for the very reasons discussed here often and as I've discussed in other threads. I am more aligned with Summer Breeze in that regard.Can things change? Yes....but as I have come to know myself, it seems unlikely.

 

I am really making sure here to post from my personal viewpoints and standards for myself, so it is not a judgment of you but me relating to your question based on my own philosophies, experiences, what I have done before, what I normally do etc, and that is what we all have to go on. You ask what we'd do and so on and I am explaining to you how I view such matters and how I normally engage (or not engage them at all). That's my way of dealing with it. I cannot help but view your posts in light of my own perspective but I do respect your feelings and choices and you're the one who lives with them everyday. I received much food for thought and I hope you did too.

Edited October 12, 2011 by MissBee

[SidLyon]

... I received much food for thought and I hope you did too.

 

Oh yes that's the reason for posting. Sometimes the "take-away" isn't always what the poster expects, but it's mostly a good learning experience. Sometimes about a specific poster, sometimes about human nature in general and occasionally about the specific topic of a thread.

[Snowflower]

IMO, Sid, I think it is brave of you to come here and post your feelings about the OW and your reconciliation. Especially when you know that you will receive the usual responses of:

 

blame your H, not the OW

your marriage is not successfully reconciled since you are posting here

you are not healing/handling fast enough/or the right way

 

I hope that by writing out your thoughts and feelings here, that you are getting some clarity about what you are feeling and maybe, what you next actions (if any) will be about the necklace issue.

[nofool4u]

I am tempted to tell the "new" man as he may not know the history of the necklace she wears.

 

do it, but the MM she got to leave his kids is probably too dumb to care.

 

but the serial homewrecker needs to be held accountable in some way.

 

 

Any thoughts or suggestions as to what it means, if anything?

 

yes, tell him she likes married men, isn't picky, and he won't be the last MM conquest she'll have, and that the necklace she wears from your husband is proof of that. Tell him she is wearing a gift from another MM she fondly f****d.

 

 

Maybe she just wears the necklace because she likes it and is not thinking of my H, and maybe the other MM does know its history.

 

doubt it. but like I said, he is probably too dumb to care.

[Summer Breeze]

Thanks for your response. My comments in bold, and yes I'd love to know how an OW would retaliate or reciprocate if a BW did contact her new man.

 

I loved your comment about him deserving to be embarrassed if she chose to do it to him!

 

I'm one who would confront. I don't shy away from anything or anyone. If something happened I would probably match the level of what she did. I would never involve children, grown or little. I really don't think I could send some random email to a friend or family member. I'd approach her somewhere that would make her uncomfortable. I'd ask for a quiet and private moment and ask her to let it go. I would hope that would bring out why she all of a sudden decided to drag me back into their lives. With that I'd hope I could explain things away and maybe realize I was doing something wrong. I think my worst action would be to seek her out as she might have me. Come to my work, I'll be at yours. Stand at my doorstep, I'll be back at yours. I wouldn't cause a scene but I would make it known I'm not worried about what she does to me, but I won't put up with being harrassed and if she wants to start something up I'll keep at it. The trick is I'll be up front and my goal will be to figure out what her problem is and if it's reasonable sort it out. If she's bullying and there's no sign of logic or sense to why she's contacting me then I'd give her a couple of warning shots and assess the situation. Depending on what she would do I'd respond. I don't think most people are like that though. I'd hope I could give her a bit of a shock in confronting her and we could clear the air.

 

Interesting concept about the NC issue. I can absolutely see where the agreement is between you and H. I do however strongly believe the OW plays a part in it. My point of view-you want contact stopped then that's that. But leave me alone and get on with your life while I do the same. If I broke NC I'd expect her to come knocking so why would she not expect the same from me. Like I said though, I tend to approach people and clear the air.

 

I do want you to know that my comments and questions about the necklace and the significance are honestly my thoughts. I'm not giving you a hard time for feeling that way, I just don't understand it.

[Summer Breeze]

I think that EVERYONE should consider the consequences carefully before they take actions that could bite them in the butt. Including OW.

 

In my case, there wasn't anything OW could do to retaliate against me. There was nothing I feared from her. There was no embarrassment she could dish out because I was not embarrassed. Ever. About anything. So I pretty much did whatever the hell I wanted to. Every situation/other woman/betrayed spouse is different.

 

I agree with you PR absolutely. But like I just responded to her I don't get it. I'm honestly trying so hard to wrap my head around so many things that others are going through and experiencing. Things I didn't do. I'm not saying she's wrong I just don't get it. Believe me I know we all heal differently and we all look at things differently-I'm about as different as they come most of the time!

 

I can't even remember what the second part of your bolded part was. I'll have to do another response for that!

[Summer Breeze]

I think that EVERYONE should consider the consequences carefully before they take actions that could bite them in the butt. Including OW.

 

In my case, there wasn't anything OW could do to retaliate against me. There was nothing I feared from her. There was no embarrassment she could dish out because I was not embarrassed. Ever. About anything. So I pretty much did whatever the hell I wanted to. Every situation/other woman/betrayed spouse is different.

 

If I were a serial OW! Maybe you're right and I would be. I really don't know what she'd be worried about though. If you could tell me what they could do to her then I could respond. I don't worry much about what people are going to do and I'm pretty bold in setting things straight so I just can't imagine what could be done that would be so bad she would be concerned. Again I'm not trying to be difficult. I simply don't know.

[PhoenixRise]

If I were a serial OW! Maybe you're right and I would be. I really don't know what she'd be worried about though. If you could tell me what they could do to her then I could respond. I don't worry much about what people are going to do and I'm pretty bold in setting things straight so I just can't imagine what could be done that would be so bad she would be concerned. Again I'm not trying to be difficult. I simply don't know.

 

Summer

 

I think it is interesting that you can't imagine what Sid and the other BS together could possibly do that would concern the OW but you thought Sid should be concerned about potential retaliation from the OW. Do you think there is some sort of power differential that tilts in favor of the OW in these types of situations?

 

IDK exactly what Sid and the other BS could do. I have read enough of Sid's backstory to know that she has already taken a lot of actions against the OW that the OW did not welcome. In light of Sid's backstory if I were the OW I would be a little worried that she had befriended the other BS because Sid, all by herself, has shown a tendency to mess with the OW's life.

 

I kind of get your perspective on it though. I don't do things that I would be embarrassed to own in public and as I said before I don't get embarrassed by the actions of others. So I don't hide and I don't fear exposure about anything. Not everybody feels that way. For example, the OW in my case didn't feel that way. She was almost deathly afraid of exposure so if I had shown up at her place of employment (I didn't) the effect on her would have been way worse than any effect her showing up at my place of employment would have had on me..because I wouldn't care, she did care.

Edited October 12, 2011 by PhoenixRise

[Summer Breeze]

Summer

 

I think it is interesting that you can't imagine what Sid and the other BS together could possibly do that would concern the OW but you thought Sid should be concerned about potential retaliation from the OW. Do you think there is some sort of power differential that tilts in favor of the OW in these types of situations?

No I don't think that once the A has stopped and NC is in force there is any power differential at all. I don't have a clue what the OW could do but from Sid's own posting there's a bit that says it could cause embarrassment to her H. So I can only assume there's something there that leaves them potentially vulnerable. I would assume the OW would do nothing to cause that embarrassment if she's left alone. Sid, by virtue of that post, alluded to the potential vulnerability.

 

IDK exactly what Sid and the other BS could do. I have read enough of Sid's backstory to know that she has already taken a lot of actions against the OW that the OW did not welcome. In light of Sid's backstory if I were the OW I would be a little worried that she had befriended the other BS because Sid, all by herself, has shown a tendency to mess with the OW's life.

I would not take kindly to someone messing with my life. I would tend to mirror what was put my way if there was no reasoning with someone and getting all the cards on the table. If it were two it would just take a little more effort. In all honesty I don't really see what the two of them would gain at this point either. Sid's H is with her and is NC with the OW, and the other BS is evidently alone. What's the sense of keeping it all stirred up? And what happens if they stir it up and it settles down and then the OW decids it's her turn to stir things up on her whim? I just look at that situation objectively and wonder what it would accomplish other than a momentary satisfaction that would probably also be felt by OW-'it's been how long and I'm still perceived as a threat?'

 

I kind of get your perspective on it though. I don't do things that I would be embarrassed to own in public and as I said before I don't get embarrassed by the actions of others. So I don't hide and I don't fear exposure about anything. Not everybody feels that way. For example, the OW in my case didn't feel that way. She was almost deathly afraid of exposure so if I had shown up at her place of employment (I didn't) the effect on her would have been way worse than any effect her showing up at my place of employment would have had on me..because I wouldn't care, she did care.

 

Thanks for sharing that about the OW in your situation. I'm so pigheaded and stubborn and self absorbed sometimes I don't see that everyone isn't like me. Aren't they all supposed to be like me?

[PhoenixRise]

Thanks for sharing that about the OW in your situation. I'm so pigheaded and stubborn and self absorbed sometimes I don't see that everyone isn't like me. Aren't they all supposed to be like me?

 

Nope

 

Apparently you haven't realized yet that they are all supposed to be like me

[SidLyon]

I'll do my best to respond, but not to everyone especially if others picked up and ran with the discussion.

 

Also. I would be sure my H bought me a piece of jewelry so substantial that it would make hers look like mall crap. And not out of our "joint" money either. But thats me.

 

This happened a long time ago (ie new jewelry for me). I have known about the necklace since d-day (I have the receipt for it).

 

My thought is that you need to but an end to this woman being in your life. You are still invested in someone who means nothing to you. Don't concern yourself with what's going on with her, what's happening in her mind. You have to try and just look to the future. Let it go! Try and move forward with your husband that you have by your side. Let the dust settle.

 

I guess I consider this to be cookie-cutter type advice. It's often dished out to BW who are wondering about the OW. It assumes that somehow in my case, me thinking of the OW is bad for me and my marriage. I suspect that many OW are uncomfortable with the thought that the BW might legally retaliate for the affair.

 

perhaps the idea of indifference is like the idea of forgiveness. Some feel that in order for someone who has been hurt to e completely "healed", they have to forgive the person they feel hurt them and be indifferent towards them.

 

while this may be the case for some people, for others, it is not.

 

In my own situation, I tend to vacillate between the idea that I should forgive the "other woman" for the hurt she caused me, and the idea that it's fine if I don't forgive her. I have been chided by some who say that I need to forgive her in order to be completely "healed", which, quite frankly, I don't agree with. The same is true with indifference.

 

i get he same thing when I place part of the blame for the affair on her, as well as all of the blame for the way she acted after it was over. I sometimes get chided for that.

 

I think that trying to apply a "one size fits all" notion of how one "should " feel doesn't work. We are all different and react to things in different ways- most of which( unless they are "illegal:laugh:" ) are not wrong.

 

I agree.

 

IMO, Sid, I think it is brave of you to come here and post your feelings about the OW and your reconciliation. Especially when you know that you will receive the usual responses of:

 

blame your H, not the OW

your marriage is not successfully reconciled since you are posting here

you are not healing/handling fast enough/or the right way

 

I hope that by writing out your thoughts and feelings here, that you are getting some clarity about what you are feeling and maybe, what you next actions (if any) will be about the necklace issue.

 

Thank you - you get it!

 

do it, but the MM she got to leave his kids is probably too dumb to care.

 

but the serial homewrecker needs to be held accountable in some way.

 

 

 

 

yes, tell him she likes married men, isn't picky, and he won't be the last MM conquest she'll have, and that the necklace she wears from your husband is proof of that. Tell him she is wearing a gift from another MM she fondly f****d.

 

 

 

 

doubt it. but like I said, he is probably too dumb to care.

 

This appeals to my basest feelings.

 

I loved your comment about him deserving to be embarrassed if she chose to do it to him!

 

I'm one who would confront. I don't shy away from anything or anyone. If something happened I would probably match the level of what she did. I would never involve children, grown or little. I really don't think I could send some random email to a friend or family member. I'd approach her somewhere that would make her uncomfortable. I'd ask for a quiet and private moment and ask her to let it go. I would hope that would bring out why she all of a sudden decided to drag me back into their lives. With that I'd hope I could explain things away and maybe realize I was doing something wrong. I think my worst action would be to seek her out as she might have me. Come to my work, I'll be at yours. Stand at my doorstep, I'll be back at yours. I wouldn't cause a scene but I would make it known I'm not worried about what she does to me, but I won't put up with being harrassed and if she wants to start something up I'll keep at it. The trick is I'll be up front and my goal will be to figure out what her problem is and if it's reasonable sort it out. If she's bullying and there's no sign of logic or sense to why she's contacting me then I'd give her a couple of warning shots and assess the situation. Depending on what she would do I'd respond. I don't think most people are like that though. I'd hope I could give her a bit of a shock in confronting her and we could clear the air.

 

Interesting concept about the NC issue. I can absolutely see where the agreement is between you and H. I do however strongly believe the OW plays a part in it. My point of view-you want contact stopped then that's that. But leave me alone and get on with your life while I do the same. If I broke NC I'd expect her to come knocking so why would she not expect the same from me. Like I said though, I tend to approach people and clear the air.

 

I do want you to know that my comments and questions about the necklace and the significance are honestly my thoughts. I'm not giving you a hard time for feeling that way, I just don't understand it.

 

Thanks Summer you are the first to state what you might actually do or consider doing. I have contacted her adult child, her in-laws, her new man and been to her work. Apart from the new guy it all happened soon after d-day. So if she feels the same way as you do I can expect all these to happen. So far not as far as I know. But really it wouldn't concern me as I've done nothing that any of them would be concerned about.

 

Summer

 

I think it is interesting that you can't imagine what Sid and the other BS together could possibly do that would concern the OW but you thought Sid should be concerned about potential retaliation from the OW. Do you think there is some sort of power differential that tilts in favor of the OW in these types of situations?

 

IDK exactly what Sid and the other BS could do. I have read enough of Sid's backstory to know that she has already taken a lot of actions against the OW that the OW did not welcome. In light of Sid's backstory if I were the OW I would be a little worried that she had befriended the other BS because Sid, all by herself, has shown a tendency to mess with the OW's life.

 

I kind of get your perspective on it though. I don't do things that I would be embarrassed to own in public and as I said before I don't get embarrassed by the actions of others. So I don't hide and I don't fear exposure about anything. Not everybody feels that way. For example, the OW in my case didn't feel that way. She was almost deathly afraid of exposure so if I had shown up at her place of employment (I didn't) the effect on her would have been way worse than any effect her showing up at my place of employment would have had on me..because I wouldn't care, she did care.

 

I think that 's the problem with an OW retaliating. She's often got nothing serious on the BW to embarrass her with, and if they're like me they won't mind at all if the OW outs herself and the H.

 

The other BW seems quite meek compared to me and has not done anything to make life difficult for the OW, but I know she would like to. I suppose it is harder for her as her children still have some level of contact with their father. Whereas I don't have to worry about ongoing relationships between members of my family and the OW.

Edited October 12, 2011 by SidLyon

[SidLyon]

Sid, you once asked me what I would do if a similar thing happened to me such as the BS contacting a man I was dating. I've put some thought into it.

 

Granted my story is not like yours, as I didn't know the man was married at the beginning but as I said there was a period of time when I knew I was the ow and I continued to see him but that was several years ago. It also should be noted that when I spoke with her, I answered every question she asked me truthfully. I gave her the truth that her sorry no good husband wouldn't give her and which she thanked me for.

 

Soooo if the BS in my situation decided to mess in my life at this point in time, I wouldn't feel bad for messing in hers. First thing I would do is OUT her hubby to all the people that she didn't out him to. Family, friends, work contacts. Of course I would try to do it in a way, that it couldn't be brushed off as some crazy woman, I would back it up with proof.

 

Of course being realistic I don't see a scenario like that happening, I think her and I left it on as good terms as possible.

 

Thank you for answering. Do you notice that your hypothetical retaliation is directed at him in the first instance?

 

After d-day I outed my H to everyone I could. This was my strategy as it's my belief that one of the prime drivers for affairs is often the secrecy, which feeds the fantasy elements (ie if only we could be together...) and that for many married APs, exposure is one of the worst things that can happen.

 

I know you are being sincere but if I knew that the OW in my situation was anything like you, I would jump at the chance to get her assist me in outing him to everyone else.

 

They do say when choosing a MM to have an affair with, you need to carefully select his BW.

 

I am sorry for your situation though, as you had one of the "worst" sorts of MM. I know for a fact that my fWH always made it clear he was married, but somehow I think if he could have gotten away with pretending he wasn't, then he would have. Hmmm...

[LilyBart]

I haven't started a thread for a while.

 

My fWH gave the OW a distinctive necklace in 2003. It was bought with the credit card I didn't know about, from the funds he put in a secret account.

 

We each have money in our own names, and can spend it freely. But there is an implicit understanding that all our funds are joint and that we do not spend it in any way to the detriment of the other. My H broke that agreement numerous times obviously.

 

The OW by 2008 was having an A with another MM who left his wife and 4 children for her. Our d-days were both in October 2008. I have always believed that she really wanted my H to leave me and that she held off this other MM for a long time, while "waiting" for my H.

 

I have just discovered that the OW is still wearing the necklace. I am angry about this as I'm assuming that it's because she still has feelings for my H. She was actually married for most of the time she was in the affairs, that is until her H died shortly before the 2 d-days.

 

I am tempted to tell the "new" man as he may not know the history of the necklace she wears.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions as to what it means, if anything?

 

Maybe she just wears the necklace because she likes it and is not thinking of my H, and maybe the other MM does know its history.

 

I'm going to respond to this OP without reading any of the other posts.

 

OMG - OBSESSED MUCH?

 

Jeez, this was back in 2003 (!!!). We're talking EIGHT YEARS AGO. Why do you still care what the OW does/doesn't do? So what if she's wearing the necklace? Maybe it's a really nice piece of jewelry. Maybe it's attached to really good memories. It doesn't necessarily mean she still has feelings for your H.

 

And even if she does, it's not like he's with her right? Unless you suspect there are still unresolved feelings between him & her?

 

If your H is truly a formerWH and if you've truly forgiven him, this shouldn't matter. You should be focusing on your M and your R....not her (the OW).

 

Bottom line - I don't think you should care so much but the sheer fact that you do......speaks volumes.

[SidLyon]

I'm going to respond to this OP without reading any of the other posts.

 

OMG - OBSESSED MUCH?

 

Jeez, this was back in 2003 (!!!). We're talking EIGHT YEARS AGO. Why do you still care what the OW does/doesn't do? So what if she's wearing the necklace? Maybe it's a really nice piece of jewelry. Maybe it's attached to really good memories. It doesn't necessarily mean she still has feelings for your H.

 

And even if she does, it's not like he's with her right? Unless you suspect there are still unresolved feelings between him & her?

 

If your H is truly a formerWH and if you've truly forgiven him, this shouldn't matter. You should be focusing on your M and your R....not her (the OW).

 

Bottom line - I don't think you should care so much but the sheer fact that you do......speaks volumes.

 

Oh dear.

 

Well perhaps the fact that you speak volumes before reading the thread, "speaks volumes" about you.

 

No need to shout.

[SidLyon]

...

 

I also have info that this with me wasn't his 1st rodeo. She should know that too as I gave her that info also but denial perhaps. I dunno.

 

It wasn't my H's only rodeo either.

 

I don't think I'm in denial now. When one is begged for forgiveness, (as I was) by a grovelling, crying stranger, who nevertheless is very familiar, the enormity that it was not just the one affair somehow gets lost.

 

Any more rodeos though and he will get thrown!

[norajane]

I guess I consider this to be cookie-cutter type advice. It's often dished out to BW who are wondering about the OW. It assumes that somehow in my case, me thinking of the OW is bad for me and my marriage. I suspect that many OW are uncomfortable with the thought that the BW might legally retaliate for the affair.

 

I think it shows that you're still working things out for yourself, and for your marriage. There's no timetable for that.

 

I will say, however, that I'm sure you'll appreciate when you don't have OW on your mind at all anymore. There are lots more interesting and exciting things to think about.

[SidLyon]

I think it shows that you're still working things out for yourself, and for your marriage. There's no timetable for that.

 

I will say, however, that I'm sure you'll appreciate when you don't have OW on your mind at all anymore. There are lots more interesting and exciting things to think about.

 

There was a time after d-day when I had my WH, the OW and the affair on my mind a lot of the time. It was horrible and I felt like it had taken my mind over, and that I couldn't escape it; so am happy to concede it as obsession then.

 

Now my mind is on a variety of different things, just the way it was before. The A and the OW are 2 things that I now think about but didn't before. But that is the same with any new experience. When it happens it's at the forefront of your mind and quickly fades into background.

 

I was with my first boyfriend for 5 years and we broke up 32 years ago yet I still think of him and his wife (I went to their wedding) without any adverse effects on me. The breakup was difficult and painful but thinking of them does me no harm now. I fully expect to get to that stage with the OW; and funny enough, I'm nearly there. D-day was October 2008, so I'm pretty sure the estimate of 2-5 years to heal is accurate.

 

I'm happy to close this discussion now because I think there's not much more to be said. If anyone wants to add anything, feel free, but I may not respond, unless it's something new and I almost certainly won't respond to rude posters anymore.

[freestyle]

I think it shows that you're still working things out for yourself, and for your marriage. There's no timetable for that.

 

I will say, however, that I'm sure you'll appreciate when you don't have OW on your mind at all anymore. There are lots more interesting and exciting things to think about.

 

 

Good post, Norajane.

 

Same thoughts I've been having as I read this thread.

 

One of my peeves is when people try to rush a hurting or angry person into

"getting over it".

 

I find it to be very invalidating.There really is NO timetable. Who decides how much is "acceptable" time for grieving, or being angry?

 

It's all relative to the individual, and their personal experience. Resilience and cumulative baggage is different for everyone--so who's to say when a person *should* or *shouldn't* be over, anything that they experience?

 

 

Sid--I totally understand being upset--I would have the same reaction.

The OW that my SO had an EA with was one of the extra nasty variety. (which I know isn't the norm, from what I've read on LS)

I don't dwell on her all the time, but, if I ran into her, I would taste bile--I have reasons aplenty.

 

Does that mean she has "power over me" as some would say? I don't think so. I know that I'm glad to not be the type of person who would stoop to doing some of the things she has done--(lying to my SO about me--starting a smear campaign against me that could've damaged me professionally). I know that I'm above that. She only has the power that any venemous creature has---if she's in my vicinity, I won't turn my back. Same way I'd react to a cobra being near me. Even if it wasn't moving,and appeared to be sleeping..........

I'd be keeping tabs on it............I'd be a fool not to.