Significant necklace?

[SidLyon]

It was to both of you.

 

You talk to your H, and claim the emotions aren't so strong.....but you would say something to her about it if you saw her wearing it in person?

 

Would you say your comments to her regarding the necklace would be about the same emotional level as your comments to your H were about it this week?

 

Because I think your H deserves FAR more fury about her having that necklace to wear. And I think it would be a mistake to acknowledge her wearing it in person. Ignoring it would be more powerful.

 

When I first saw the photo I admit to having a few choice words with my fWH.

 

It is pure fantasy and I honestly don't know what I would say to her in person.

 

I would not want her to have the satisfaction of believing that I didn't know about the necklace so I'd have to say something.

 

I can think of a number of things such as

 

1. Nice necklace.

 

2. The man who gave you that had good taste.

 

3. Is that my favourite necklace you're wearing? I wondered where it had got to.

 

4. Does "New Man" know who gave you that necklace.

 

5. Ah I see you still prefer Mr Lyon to New Man.

 

The possibilities are endless but I certainly wouldn't be ripping it off her neck while loudly proclaiming her to be a dirty slut.

 

As for NC maybe my view as a BW is different, but NC was something agreed to between my H and me. That he would not contact the OW unless there was good reason and with my knowledge and consent.

 

NC was never about NC between me and the OW, nor was it something that either I or he could force her to comply with. As I said I felt fully entitled to reciprocate by interfering in her life, whenever she felt it OK to interfere in mine or contact my H.[/sIZE][/FONT]

Edited October 10, 2011 by SidLyon

[SidLyon]

Sorry having connection problems and couldn't get my last post to format properly.

[SidLyon]

Again this is an interesting perspective with which I don't agree. In regard to your bolded comments:

 

1. Not as angry as I was at her interference in my life. Mine was at least justified. In a tit for tat world she inserted herself into my life long before I did in hers and for a much longer period of years.

 

You have every right to feel that way, I don't blame you a bit.

 

2. There is no NC agreement between her and I for me to honour. I have never made any agreement of any sort with her about NC or anything else.

 

Ok, so there is no agreement, but obviously she is nc with your husband so why would you do something to possibly sabotage that now?

 

3. Yes I get you would be furious, but I don't agree that it is "rightly so" in the case of an OW but somehow not so right for a BW.

 

I didn't say or I failed to convey myself properly, not sure which. Again you have a right to feel how ever you feel, but since this ow is out of your life as you want, you have no right to stick your foot in hers now.

 

4. Have you considered that a BW might be even more furious at the contact between an OW and her H, during the A?

 

Of course you or any BW would, I don't blame you.

 

3. Just as you do, I consider myself completely entitled to interfere with her life if I feel like it, provided it is legal. That is what you potentially sign up for as an OW. In fact if she did write me an e-mail I'd probably jump at the chance to tell her and her new MM what I think of her/them.

She is probably too smart to do this and doesn't know I know about the necklace anyway.

 

Again, she is in nc with your husband as I am in nc with xmm, so if the bw in my situation did something to insert herself into my life at this point in time, I feel I would absolutely be justified in turning it around on her legally. Besides don't you think the best thing is not stir it up, when the goal was nc right and to recover your marriage? I'm sorry but I don't get why you would even consider having any sort of contact at all with her especially since you said that you and your husband are happily reconciled. I say live your life, let her live hers. Bad choices, bad decisions will come back and bite her at some point in time, you don't need to help it along. What goes around, come around, believe me I know.

 

4. Not meaning to pick on you but if you reverse your feelings about the BW in your situation; ie that she has no right to interfere in your life and that you would be justified in retaliating if she did; and consider that many BW may have those feelings too, you might get some understanding of how some BW may feel. I also realise you were an "unknowing" OW which would increase your sense of entitlement to victimhood, just as for many BW. Just remember you weren't the BW's victim.

 

I know you don't think I get it but I really do. You and the bw in my case have a right to what ever feelings you feel, but the affair is over for your husband and the ow, so your right to cause her trouble ended at that point. The BW is my situation has no reason or cause to put her foot or anything else in my life now because it has nothing to do with her or her husband.

 

As it happens we are a long way past d-day and this is yet another blip in the process of rebuilding. If I were to ever see her wearing it in person (unlikely I think) I would definitely say something. My feelings are quite similar to Spark's about this.

 

comments in bold

 

I think my views about NC may be different to yours. There is no possibility of anything I do sabotaging the "NC by him to the OW" agreement that is in place between me and my fWH. If he breaches our agreement he won't be able to remain married to me. It's that simple.

 

My "right to cause her trouble" as you put it ends only when she stops causing me trouble. I consider her still wearing a necklace bought with my funds, taken from me without my knowledge or consent, to be potentially causing me trouble. I was interested in what her motivation might be. If it is to cause me trouble by still expressing affection for my H then I still consider it my right (if I want) to interfere in her life and relationship.

 

As I cannot really tell she gets the benefit of the doubt for the moment.

 

I am a qualified lawyer so I have a reasonable understanding of what I can and cannot do legally speaking.

[SidLyon]

What it comes down to is you really have no way of knowing why she wears the necklace now. It might be a fu toward you or it might be that it brings her fond memories or she might just like it.

 

Of course you could ask for the necklace back but that isn't very practical. Also you said the necklace was bought with "your" funds? Could you elaborate on that please or do you mean with joint funds?

 

Joint funds are always my funds, or his funds, or both, that is the nature of joint funds. As it happens my income is higher than my H and I brought more financial resources into the marriage. In my opening post in this thread I explained our agreement as:

 

"We each have money in our own names, and can spend it freely. But there is an implicit understanding that all our funds are joint and that we do not spend it in any way to the detriment of the other. My H broke that agreement numerous times obviously."

[SidLyon]

It's an interesting discussion Sid. If you don't mind, let me put this scenario before you and see what your thoughts are.

 

As I said, I'm NC with xmm. I have little info about what is going on with him, the only thing I know is they reconciled. I leave them alone, they leave me alone, but let's say I was dating a new man and she heard of it by the grapevine. Let's say she decided that the new man in my life should know of my past with her husband and she is the one who takes it upon herself to tell him because she feels she should warn him but yet she has no no idea if I have confided in him or not.

 

Do you think it is within her rights to do so?

 

Well yes, it is within her right provided she does not break the law or any private contract between you and she.

 

She must not stalk you, threaten you, defame you, trespass or damage your property.

 

If she commits a crime in your jurisdiction you would probably need to go to the police for any prosecution or restraining order. If she breaches a private agreement then you would need to take civil action.

 

Depending on where you are, stalking is likely to be a pattern of behaviours so one contact with your new man is unlikely to be stalking. A RO can usually only be obtained where there are genuine threats or persistent stalking against you. A defamation action is unlikely to be successful if she sticks to the truth. It's unlikely that you have any contract with her that either of you can breach.

 

This above is the legal position but only broadly as it's unlikely you and I are even in the same country.

 

Morally, people will have their own views on the propriety of a BW continuing to make life difficult for an OW and vice versa, as this thread indicates.

 

Obviously immoral does not equate to illegal in the case of affairs, at least in most Western countries. My personal view is that it is more immoral for a woman to have an affair with a MM than it is for a BW to make life difficult (without illegality) for an OW after a d-day.

[thomasb]

Hi Sid,

I understand why it would bother you with the triggers and the time of year, I really do. With that said if I put myself in the place of an xow and I had maintained NC and you contacted my new man, I would be absolutely livid. I would more than likely be so furious that I would retaliate in some way. I realize that she intruded upon your life previously but that is no longer the case and frankly you have absolutely no business intruding in hers now. You need to push those thoughts of yours out of your head and try not to dwell on it.

 

Just my opinion.

 

 

 

Bull! You have every right to be upset. I would drag her butt into small claims and make her give it back. Or repay half the value since he used marital funds to buy it! I have seen cases where the wife retrieved thousands for funds illegally spent on OW. the OW would legally have to pay.

[thomasb]

And by the way, before someone brings it up... no, I never bought OW anything more than a cup of coffee. And regret that much...

[norajane]

I was interested in what her motivation might be. If it is to cause me trouble by still expressing affection for my H then I still consider it my right (if I want) to interfere in her life and relationship.

 

As a woman, I never wear jewelry that I don't like. That's my guess as to why she's wearing it. She likes it. Or it goes well with her outfit.

 

Might she have memories of your husband attached to it? Sure. Of course. He gave it to her. That doesn't mean she's still in love with him. She puts it on, and then doesn't think about it after that. Is she trying to screw with your head? Doubtful. You had to seek out that picture. And she has a new man in her life; your husband doesn't mean the same thing to her that he used to, so neither do you. She's not thinking about you.

[PhoenixRise]

Sid

 

I think in light of your previous dealings with this OW it is very likely that there is more to her wearing that piece of jewelry and posting a pic of her in that necklace on FB that goes far beyond she just likes the necklace.

 

Yes there may be some loving feelings attached because of your husband but there is no way in Hell she can separate whatever she might feel for your husband from the fact that his wife outted her to her family, in-laws, adult children and have been questioning the paternity of her youngest child.

 

Wearing the necklace and posting a pic of herself wearing it on FB is (at least on some level) is a FU to YOU.

 

I agree with you that your husband's agreement with YOU to go NC with the OW has absolutely no bearing on your own actions regarding OW. You are not under any obligation (other than staying within the law) to not interfere with her current relationships just because now that the affair is over she would prefer for you to leave her alone.

 

For the duration of the affair she interfered with your relationship so her expecting you to honor the kind of boundaries she regularly broke is a bit much.

 

AND YEAH... your husband is the one who broke vows, invited her to cross boundaries, spent money. He should be held accountable in whatever way you see fit while not breaking any laws.

 

But I am going to go out on a limb Sid and assume that you are a good multi-tasker. I would bet that you can hold your husband fully responsible for his actions at the same time as you hold the OW fully responsible for her actions.

 

Maybe it would be healthier for you if you can get to a place of indifference with her. But you don't owe it to her. You are not obligated to get to that place.

 

And if it turns out that she is over it, her feelings don't dictate yours. You don't have to be over it until YOU are over it.

[SidLyon]

Bull! You have every right to be upset. I would drag her butt into small claims and make her give it back. Or repay half the value since he used marital funds to buy it! I have seen cases where the wife retrieved thousands for funds illegally spent on OW. the OW would legally have to pay.

 

Yes I could take her through the small claims court. My chances of success are low due to time limits and lack of evidence. However it could achieve maximum effect in terms of embarrassment and exposure to her, and I wouldn't have to pay any lawyer's fees.

 

However there's a possible flip side in loss of reputation to my H and also to me for litigating a case with little prospect of success.

 

Nice suggestion and vote of support Thomas but it's not something I'll be pursuing right now.

[SidLyon]

Sid

 

I think in light of your previous dealings with this OW it is very likely that there is more to her wearing that piece of jewelry and posting a pic of her in that necklace on FB that goes far beyond she just likes the necklace.

 

Yes there may be some loving feelings attached because of your husband but there is no way in Hell she can separate whatever she might feel for your husband from the fact that his wife outted her to her family, in-laws, adult children and have been questioning the paternity of her youngest child.

 

Wearing the necklace and posting a pic of herself wearing it on FB is (at least on some level) is a FU to YOU.

 

I agree with you that your husband's agreement with YOU to go NC with the OW has absolutely no bearing on your own actions regarding OW. You are not under any obligation (other than staying within the law) to not interfere with her current relationships just because now that the affair is over she would prefer for you to leave her alone.

 

For the duration of the affair she interfered with your relationship so her expecting you to honor the kind of boundaries she regularly broke is a bit much.

 

AND YEAH... your husband is the one who broke vows, invited her to cross boundaries, spent money. He should be held accountable in whatever way you see fit while not breaking any laws.

 

But I am going to go out on a limb Sid and assume that you are a good multi-tasker. I would bet that you can hold your husband fully responsible for his actions at the same time as you hold the OW fully responsible for her actions.

 

Maybe it would be healthier for you if you can get to a place of indifference with her. But you don't owe it to her. You are not obligated to get to that place.

 

And if it turns out that she is over it, her feelings don't dictate yours. You don't have to be over it until YOU are over it.

 

I agree with most of what you say.

 

About the bolded I still cannot know for sure whether it was directed at me in any way or not. There's no certain evidence either way and people who've responded to my thread have come up with good reasons why it might be just that she likes the necklace or that it's a FU to me.

 

While I'm tempted to contact the new guy again, I'll probably just bide my time. Either I'll run into her and hopefully make some suitable comment (or most likely I'll think of something afterwards), or nothing further will come of it.

 

I met with the other BW last week and she is thinking of getting her adult child to say something. I'm not too keen on this for several reasons.

 

1. At present neither the OW nor her new MM know that I and the other BW are in contact. Neither the other BW nor any of her children (some of whom are adults) have told their father or the OW that we are in contact. I prefer to keep it that way.

 

2. It's nothing to do with the 4 children of the other BW and other MM . They are struggling already with their fractured relationship with their father.

 

3. I would not want to be seen to be asking the "other" children to be involved.

 

To my surprise/horror the other BW even volunteered to arrange a DNA sample from the boy, but again I asked her not to as I would never want to do it behind the OW's back and have her allege some sort of instigation of child interference on my part.

 

The other BW and I have actually become friends in the last year. I wonder what the OW would think if she knew. Any thoughts on this?

[PhoenixRise]

I agree with most of what you say.

 

About the bolded I still cannot know for sure whether it was directed at me in any way or not. There's no certain evidence either way and people who've responded to my thread have come up with good reasons why it might be just that she likes the necklace or that it's a FU to me.

 

While I'm tempted to contact the new guy again, I'll probably just bide my time. Either I'll run into her and hopefully make some suitable comment (or most likely I'll think of something afterwards), or nothing further will come of it.

 

I met with the other BW last week and she is thinking of getting her adult child to say something. I'm not too keen on this for several reasons.

 

1. At present neither the OW nor her new MM know that I and the other BW are in contact. Neither the other BW nor any of her children (some of whom are adults) have told their father or the OW that we are in contact. I prefer to keep it that way.

 

2. It's nothing to do with the 4 children of the other BW and other MM . They are struggling already with their fractured relationship with their father.

 

3. I would not want to be seen to be asking the "other" children to be involved.

 

To my surprise/horror the other BW even volunteered to arrange a DNA sample from the boy, but again I asked her not to as I would never want to do it behind the OW's back and have her allege some sort of instigation of child interference on my part.

 

The other BW and I have actually become friends in the last year. I wonder what the OW would think if she knew. Any thoughts on this?

 

 

I get why you have become friends with the other BW you have a shared experience involving the same OW.

 

I would imagine that if OW ever finds out about the connection she will not like it and will wonder if you and the other BW are going to make trouble for her and her new guy.

[Snowflower]

It's an interesting discussion Sid. If you don't mind, let me put this scenario before you and see what your thoughts are.

 

As I said, I'm NC with xmm. I have little info about what is going on with him, the only thing I know is they reconciled. I leave them alone, they leave me alone, but let's say I was dating a new man and she heard of it by the grapevine. Let's say she decided that the new man in my life should know of my past with her husband and she is the one who takes it upon herself to tell him because she feels she should warn him but yet she has no no idea if I have confided in him or not.

 

Do you think it is within her rights to do so?

 

I know this is not directed toward me but as a BW my perspective is that if a BW wanted to interfere this way...then yes, she is in her rights to do so (provided she is not doing something illegal).

 

Now, I would in all likelihood not rat out the OW to her current/future boyfriend unless I had a vested interest--like he was someone I knew and I felt I should warn him. I would know that doing this would likely bring more drama to my life and all sorts of triggers. I never contacted the OW after d-day and never wanted to. I was too scared, I guess.

 

I do think Sid would be in her rights to contact the boyfriend/other MM if she wanted to and inform him about the necklace.

 

LG, I like your thoughtful contribution to this thread as a fOW.

 

Sid

 

 

 

 

AND YEAH... your husband is the one who broke vows, invited her to cross boundaries, spent money. He should be held accountable in whatever way you see fit while not breaking any laws.

 

But I am going to go out on a limb Sid and assume that you are a good multi-tasker. I would bet that you can hold your husband fully responsible for his actions at the same time as you hold the OW fully responsible for her actions.

 

 

This made me laugh! Good thing I was not drinking my coffee at the time I read this!

 

Every time a BW has a gripe about an OW, that old chestnut comes up about misplaced anger. Usually this type of comment comes from an OW or in this case, someone who has not ever been betrayed.

 

I would think that nearly all BS are good multi-taskers and can hold our WS and the AP both responsible at the same time. :lmao: Because blaming the OW for her actions (in this case the necklace issue) does not mean that the WH is also not being blamed.

 

Good point.

 

The other BW and I have actually become friends in the last year. I wonder what the OW would think if she knew. Any thoughts on this?

 

This is quite an unusual situation with the multiple MM and it was not my situation at all but I would guess that the OW would feel very threatened if she knew the two of you were in contact. Who knows what plans you are hatching or information that you are exchanging?

[xxoo]

Every time a BW has a gripe about an OW, that old chestnut comes up about misplaced anger. Usually this type of comment comes from an OW or in this case, someone who has not ever been betrayed.

 

I would think that nearly all BS are good multi-taskers and can hold our WS and the AP both responsible at the same time. :lmao: Because blaming the OW for her actions (in this case the necklace issue) does not mean that the WH is also not being blamed.

 

I've not been betrayed, but even imagining this situation makes my blood boil. I'm sure, if I were in the op's shoes, I'd want to rip that necklace off her neck

 

But you have no control over the OW. You have SOME control/influence over your spouse, in that you can explain how things make you feel and promise to leave under certain circumstances. But wanting to control the other women--what she wears, what pictures she posts, who she marries, etc--is a futile. Control what you can, and accept what you can not. That is why I think the anger is misplaced.

 

Anything one-liner you say to this woman invites a one-liner back from her....and hers might open up more wounds. It is just a really bad idea, imo.

 

OP, do you have plans to settle the paternity issue once and for all, so that you can have some closure?

[Summer Breeze]

I haven't been in for a while and a lots been said. I don't really know where to start. I'm sure I'll find a way though!

 

The first thing I go back to is the fact the woman slept with your husband. You are well on your way to getting over/healing on that front. Why does a necklace hold such significance to you?

 

As a BS I saw jewellery my xH gave his OW and it didn't mean anything. He'd had an A and it ripped my world to shreds. For a long time after I left I still saw him having sex with someone else in my mind. His betrayal was severe and brutal, just like yours. It was his betrayal and I couldn't live with it. That was what the issue was. He slept with someone else and had no thought for me whatsoever. I couldn't have cared less about the earrings he gave her at Christmas or the bracelet on Valentines to match. I can't wrap my head around the fact you took back the person who did that same thing to you and you're wound up about a necklace she wore on facebook where you wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't been looking. I don't get it. How can you keep him around if a necklace puts you around the bend?

 

As far as the 2 BWs being friends. I honestly don't know why that would concern the OW. You said it yourself Sid-you wouldn't go to court because there may be embarrassment for your H. If you do too much she can still embarrass him. I'd lay odds she knows that and that his reputation is too important to both you and he to be causing her too much trouble. I'd say this is her truce and her silence. Everyone's found common ground and left it behind them for whatever their reasons may be.

 

The last thing and probably the one I'll be most vocal about. You don't want to go opening things up with her now. You can sit there and say the contract was between your H and her but you can do whatever you like. So let me put this to you. If the contract isn't between the two of you then that leaves her ok to start stuff up with you now? I'm no lawyer but I'd assume if it's open for you to make problems she is perfectly able to do the same. I say that to you from the OW point of view. I broke it off with xMM and I did it several years ago. I called her and I wrote to her to let her know it was done. I offered for her to call me if she was ever suspicious etc. What happened? He was out with her brother for drinks one night and she didn't believe where he was so she came to my place of work. It was over a year since we'd split up. He sent me gifts for Valentines and my birthday but I never acknowledge them. I haven't spoken to him and I haven't opened any of the emails he's sent. She came to my place of work and made a scene. Sadly for her everyone knew the situation and had met him and known our relationship so she came in looking to embarrass me and it didn't work out that way. She started something and I wasn't going to let it lie. She wouldn't answer my calls and I told her I wasn't going to write or email-we would talk this out. So I gave her several chances and she never responded. I went to her place of work. I waited more than an hour for her to finally come to reception. I quietly and firmly restated that I was happy to prove my innocence at any time but I would not be dragged back into her decision to stay with him-if she did anything like that again I would not go quietly and protect the reputation she thinks makes everything ok.

 

If you open it up with the OW then expect her to reciprocate.

 

I'm not sure if I hit all the points I wanted to. I do know I'm rambling now.

[confusedinkansas]

OP you seem awful hung up on the FUNDS...His money, her money, our money. Who cares who's money it is?

I'm sure that if he bought her a necklace he's bought her other things as well.

Meals.....is she supposed to regurgitage those?

What about hotel rooms? How do you expect to recoop that money?

Other little trinkets or nighties you have no knowledge of?

What about the gas? Gas costs money. I'm sure he used gasoline to go meet her??

 

Is it that you need to have drama - so this necklace issue has come up & you're bound & determined to let her new man know where it came from. (pounding fist on the table ) If he's a smart man - he'll dismiss you.

Seems to me that we all have a past - we all have STUFF in our lives prior to meeting new people.

- Just sayin'!

[2sure]

SidL -

 

Just so you know where my perspective is coming from:

 

Years ago, I was OW to several MM.

Because I would never be with a man without means (or gifts), I have been called a gold digger.

I have been married three times and engaged more than that.

I am one year divorced from my serial cheating husband.

 

Like me or not..I have every piece of jewelry any man has ever given me. The only pieces I no longer own are those I sold for monetary gain when buying my house or the wedding ring set from the serial cheater that I gave to the most needy of the other women he snowed along with me.

 

As the BS of a WS, even a former one...it would bother me a lot to have OW walking around with a substantial piece of jewelry from my husband.

 

But if it helps at all...she may be like me. Its just a souvineer. Soon she will forget exactly who it came from. Its just jewelry, it doesnt take the place of anything else. It represents squat.

[2sure]

Also. I would be sure my H bought me a piece of jewelry so substantial that it would make hers look like mall crap. And not out of our "joint" money either. But thats me.

[PhoenixRise]

 

 

The first thing I go back to is the fact the woman slept with your husband. You are well on your way to getting over/healing on that front. Why does a necklace hold such significance to you?

 

As a BS I saw jewellery my xH gave his OW and it didn't mean anything. He'd had an A and it ripped my world to shreds. For a long time after I left I still saw him having sex with someone else in my mind. His betrayal was severe and brutal, just like yours. It was his betrayal and I couldn't live with it. That was what the issue was.

 

Summer I enjoy reading your perspective in the infidelity threads.

 

But I have to say that just because you saw the jewelry that your H gave his OW and it didn't mean anything to you, that doesn't make Sid's feeling on the matter wrong. She dealt/is dealing with the reality of her husband's betrayal in the way that she feels is in her best interest (in this case trying to reconcile) and to her, the jewelry matters. To her the jewelry is/was an issue. Her feelings aren't wrong just because they don't mirror what your feelings were when it happened to you.

 

As far as the 2 BWs being friends. I honestly don't know why that would concern the OW.

 

Maybe if you were a serial OW you WOULD be concerned if one of the previous BS's befriend the current BS of the MM you are now involved with.....or maybe she is not concerned. I think she would be an idiot to not be at least a little worried.

 

 

The last thing and probably the one I'll be most vocal about. You don't want to go opening things up with her now. You can sit there and say the contract was between your H and her but you can do whatever you like. So let me put this to you. If the contract isn't between the two of you then that leaves her ok to start stuff up with you now?

 

 

If you open it up with the OW then expect her to reciprocate.

 

I'm not sure if I hit all the points I wanted to. I do know I'm rambling now.

 

I think that EVERYONE should consider the consequences carefully before they take actions that could bite them in the butt. Including OW.

 

In my case, there wasn't anything OW could do to retaliate against me. There was nothing I feared from her. There was no embarrassment she could dish out because I was not embarrassed. Ever. About anything. So I pretty much did whatever the hell I wanted to. Every situation/other woman/betrayed spouse is different.

[PhoenixRise]

OP you seem awful hung up on the FUNDS...His money, her money, our money. Who cares who's money it is?

I'm sure that if he bought her a necklace he's bought her other things as well.

Meals.....is she supposed to regurgitage those?

What about hotel rooms? How do you expect to recoop that money?

Other little trinkets or nighties you have no knowledge of?

What about the gas? Gas costs money. I'm sure he used gasoline to go meet her??

 

Is it that you need to have drama - so this necklace issue has come up & you're bound & determined to let her new man know where it came from. (pounding fist on the table ) If he's a smart man - he'll dismiss you.

Seems to me that we all have a past - we all have STUFF in our lives prior to meeting new people.

- Just sayin'!

 

 

Yes. If my H had spent joint funds on OW I would have had a problem with that.

 

Nobody is talking about gas or meals or nighties she has no knowledge of (HOW could she worry about what she doesn't know) Sid posted about a specific thing, a distinctive piece of jewelry.

 

Nobody said she or anyone could recoup the money (although in some cases it can be recouped) but yeah, I would have had a problem with it. I don't blame Sid for being pissed about it.

Edited October 11, 2011 by PhoenixRise

[SidLyon]

I haven't been in for a while and a lots been said. I don't really know where to start. I'm sure I'll find a way though!

 

The first thing I go back to is the fact the woman slept with your husband. You are well on your way to getting over/healing on that front. Why does a necklace hold such significance to you?

 

I was trying to ascertain its significance to her.

 

As a BS I saw jewellery my xH gave his OW and it didn't mean anything. He'd had an A and it ripped my world to shreds. For a long time after I left I still saw him having sex with someone else in my mind. His betrayal was severe and brutal, just like yours. It was his betrayal and I couldn't live with it. That was what the issue was. He slept with someone else and had no thought for me whatsoever. I couldn't have cared less about the earrings he gave her at Christmas or the bracelet on Valentines to match. I can't wrap my head around the fact you took back the person who did that same thing to you and you're wound up about a necklace she wore on facebook where you wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't been looking. I don't get it. How can you keep him around if a necklace puts you around the bend?

 

I'm sorry you went through being a BW, it's a horrible experience. I'm glad that jewelry didn't feature too much in your pain.

 

As far as the 2 BWs being friends. I honestly don't know why that would concern the OW. You said it yourself Sid-you wouldn't go to court because there may be embarrassment for your H. If you do too much she can still embarrass him. I'd lay odds she knows that and that his reputation is too important to both you and he to be causing her too much trouble. I'd say this is her truce and her silence. Everyone's found common ground and left it behind them for whatever their reasons may be.

 

I don't want to embarrass him because I'm still with him, but if she does that's on her, and frankly he would deserve it .

 

The last thing and probably the one I'll be most vocal about. You don't want to go opening things up with her now. You can sit there and say the contract was between your H and her but you can do whatever you like. So let me put this to you. If the contract isn't between the two of you then that leaves her ok to start stuff up with you now? I'm no lawyer but I'd assume if it's open for you to make problems she is perfectly able to do the same. I say that to you from the OW point of view. I broke it off with xMM and I did it several years ago. I called her and I wrote to her to let her know it was done. I offered for her to call me if she was ever suspicious etc. What happened? He was out with her brother for drinks one night and she didn't believe where he was so she came to my place of work. It was over a year since we'd split up. He sent me gifts for Valentines and my birthday but I never acknowledge them. I haven't spoken to him and I haven't opened any of the emails he's sent. She came to my place of work and made a scene. Sadly for her everyone knew the situation and had met him and known our relationship so she came in looking to embarrass me and it didn't work out that way. She started something and I wasn't going to let it lie. She wouldn't answer my calls and I told her I wasn't going to write or email-we would talk this out. So I gave her several chances and she never responded. I went to her place of work. I waited more than an hour for her to finally come to reception. I quietly and firmly restated that I was happy to prove my innocence at any time but I would not be dragged back into her decision to stay with him-if she did anything like that again I would not go quietly and protect the reputation she thinks makes everything ok.

 

The NC agreement was between me and him not him and her. Specifically that he would not contact her and would tell me about it if she contacted him. She didn't get to agree or not with him going NC or anything else we did to save our marriage.

 

If you open it up with the OW then expect her to reciprocate.

 

Of course she could reciprocate. LadyGrey made the same point. I asked LadyGrey what she would actually do and I think she said she'd send an e-mail. How would you reciprocate Summer? Are you suggesting you'd come to my work and make a scene?

 

I'm not sure if I hit all the points I wanted to. I do know I'm rambling now.

 

Thanks for your response. My comments in bold, and yes I'd love to know how an OW would retaliate or reciprocate if a BW did contact her new man.

Edited October 11, 2011 by SidLyon

[Emme]

My thought is that you need to but an end to this woman being in your life. You are still invested in someone who means nothing to you. Don't concern yourself with what's going on with her, what's happening in her mind. You have to try and just look to the future. Let it go! Try and move forward with your husband that you have by your side. Let the dust settle.

[SidLyon]

I've not been betrayed, but even imagining this situation makes my blood boil. I'm sure, if I were in the op's shoes, I'd want to rip that necklace off her neck

 

But you have no control over the OW. You have SOME control/influence over your spouse, in that you can explain how things make you feel and promise to leave under certain circumstances. But wanting to control the other women--what she wears, what pictures she posts, who she marries, etc--is a futile. Control what you can, and accept what you can not. That is why I think the anger is misplaced.

 

Anything one-liner you say to this woman invites a one-liner back from her....and hers might open up more wounds. It is just a really bad idea, imo.

 

OP, do you have plans to settle the paternity issue once and for all, so that you can have some closure?

 

We have done as much as possible about the paternity issue in that my H engaged a lawyer to handle it. The OW refused to agree to a test, as is her right. Strictly speaking we could take it much further legally, however we have decided to probably approach the boy himself when he is old enough.

 

Perhaps I need to clarify again that there is virtually nothing the OW can do to either wound or embarrass me now. I have done nothing that requires exposure and she can't damage my marriage any more than she already has. So basically I don't care if she reciprocates or retaliates.

 

My H and I are good. Sure I post on LS from time to time and start an occasional thread but it's a v small part of my life. It does seem that some posters want me to be extremely angry, out of control, invested in the OW's life, addicted to drama etc (all accusations that have been mistakenly made on this thread).

 

I'm surprised that you can't tell from my manner of posting that I'm none of these things.

[Snowflower]

When I read this earlier today a thought sprung to mind immediately. I chose not to voice it because I thought it would look like I was having a go rather than asking a question. I've decided that because it really is a sincere question I'm going to go with it.

 

You explain how you understand how the OP feels about this necklace and in that you mention that jewellery is so 'damn personal'. Here is my question. Why is that any more personal and infuriating than the fact her H slept with someone else? It doesn't get much more personal than that. I'm not trying to get a rise or anything. I've made it clear I left my xH because I knew I couldn't trust him no matter what he offered to do to make things work. To me the fact that he violated my trust and our M by sleeping with someone else destroyed everything. If you can forgive th act of infidelity then why is a necklace such an issue? I know I may never understand it but I do my best to try to. I don't know how anyone stays but I've seen it happens in here and I must say I respect people who have the strength to do it. I read some of your stories and think I took the easy out.

 

This is just so well, nice.

 

It can be difficult to understand why others do what they do. I know I have puzzled over the actions of others many times.

 

It isn't easy to stay and it isn't easy to leave either. I know I still would have been tortured by thoughts of what my H had done even if we had divorced after d-day. I tend to overthink things.

 

Please don't feel you took the easy way out because neither way is easy unless the marriage was completely dead for both spouses despite the affair(not just what the WS says :rolleyes:). And even then, the actual divorce is still usually difficult emotionally.

 

Sid, you're completely in your rights to feel as you do about the necklace. My H didn't give any gifts so I can't relate as to how I felt/or would feel. But I suspect a gifted necklace to the OW would have really bothered me because jewelry is so personal. It's worn directly on the body and often expensive and yeah, that would have been a huge, painful blow.

 

Hang in there! Talk to your H about what you are feeling. It will help you--infidelity is weird like that.

Edited October 11, 2011 by Snowflower

[SidLyon]

this is may tick a lot of people off...but it's how I feel.

 

whatever you feel the need to do in your life due to the aftermath of your husband's affair is okay ( as long as it's legal:laugh:). If the "other woman" has an issue with it, that is unfortuneate, but when she knowingly got involved with a married guy, she chose to accept the fallout, unpleasant as it may be.

 

Exactly - I feel as if I have the "right" to do anything as long as it's legal, that may interfere in the life of the OW. In fact I've done very little, far less than she did when she interfered in my life and marriage. Rightly or wrongly it gives me a feeling of power to think that I could probably make things difficult for her and there's not a thing she can do about it provided I stay "legal". It is a change from the times around d-day when I felt totally powerless to prevent an attack on me by her and my H. Better for me to "feel" powerful rather than powerless. I don't expect to exercise it because ultimately it's just a feeling of mine and may not pan out the way I anticipate.

 

I can see how this neckalce could bother you. If it were me in your shoes, the necklace would be a reminder of a much less happy time in my life and a promise broken. Is it possible to assign a new meaning the necklace?( i.e.-you got your husband and a happy marraige-all she got was the lousy necklace-everytime you see her in it it will bring a smile to your face instead of a sense of sadness or irritation)?

 

Funnily enough it is one of the ways I deal with it - she has "my" necklace but not "my" man.

 

hope you didn't mind my 2 cents!

 

Not at all, I started this thread to get others' 2cents worth.

 

 

My comments in bold.