Author annabanana85 Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 SO you think that if I had not had sex too soon with these guys, they would have waited. I dont think so. I think other than guy number 2, the others were probably looking for a hookup and would have not dumped me later on if they didnt get sex. So maybe having sex with them early on is a good elimination mechanism so that I can get rid of sexist, narrow minded guys? Link to post Share on other sites
Shaun-Dro Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 SO you think that if I had not had sex too soon with these guys, they would have waited. I dont think so. I think other than guy number 2, the others were probably looking for a hookup and would have not dumped me later on if they didnt get sex. So maybe having sex with them early on is a good elimination mechanism so that I can get rid of sexist, narrow minded guys? This statement makes no sense whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
OnyxSnowfall Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 SO you think that if I had not had sex too soon with these guys, they would have waited. I dont think so. I think other than guy number 2, the others were probably looking for a hookup and would have not dumped me later on if they didnt get sex. So maybe having sex with them early on is a good elimination mechanism so that I can get rid of sexist, narrow minded guys? I still have men, two in particular, chasing me, literally after years of me rejecting them (a different man, after 3 years, seems to have finally stopped trying to contact me and get me to out with him just a couple of months ago) --- it's very possible some of the men you slept with would *still* be around if you hadn't. ... doesn't mean they wouldn't leave you be once you did give it up, but it certainly allows time for them to develop something more substantial with you if you hadn't / don't. Also, I don't know if I can appreciate your logic at the end there... ... Link to post Share on other sites
Shaun-Dro Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I still have men, two in particular, chasing me, literally after years of me rejecting them (a different man, after 3 years, seems to have finally stopped trying to contact me and get me to out with him just a couple of months ago) --- it's very possible some of the men you slept with would *still* be around if you hadn't. If those two nut jobs chased you that long, then it's evident that you've must've been dangling them at your mercy the whole time! Now you're advising that the OP commit to the same vicious strategy? Are you serious or just poking at her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author annabanana85 Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 I guess you guys are right. It is definitely a good idea to delay anything sexual until I establish a deeper connection. Well thanks everyone for all the good advice and encouraging words.. Now I feel like I have a pretty good idea what could have been wrong in these situations: I think it is definitely the case that I am meeting these guys in sketchy places and mostly they are shady guys who are looking for flings. Second by sleeping with them too soon and being too available and nice, they are kind of beginning to wonder what is wrong with me especially since we are too different intellectually/socially. I think the best solution for me would be to be content with being single now since it looks like I am not meeting guys who are at the same intellectual/moral caliber as me; it would definitely be better than having a string of unfulfiling, short relationships with weak-charactered guys who definitely do not deserve my time and in the end act in morally shaky ways. Link to post Share on other sites
bac Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 SO you think that if I had not had sex too soon with these guys, they would have waited. I dont think so. I think other than guy number 2, the others were probably looking for a hookup and would have not dumped me later on if they didnt get sex. So maybe having sex with them early on is a good elimination mechanism so that I can get rid of sexist, narrow minded guys? You are right that it is a perfect elimination mechanism. But, you do not have to have hot sex with them to eliminate them. It is much safer to withhold sex for the first 5 dates and all the guys will be eliminated without any additinal effort. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 So maybe having sex with them early on is a good elimination mechanism so that I can get rid of sexist, narrow minded guys? I love it.. You are going to have sex with an awful lot of guys though before finding the one.. Link to post Share on other sites
phillyfan Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I am a 25 year old girl who is considered very smart, pretty and attractive. I am a graduate student and am smart, intellectual, well-spoken and well-read. I have a lot of hobbies and have been playing the piano for 10 years. I am considered very attractive and have a lot of friends. I own a nice apartment and dress well. The guys I've dated all seemed to lose interest in me pretty soon in the game (~1 month) and according to my friends they were all way below my league. They were not particularly attractive guys and most of them did not have decent jobs or were particularly charismatic. To give you some examples, one of them was a broke construction worker and the other one was a very short and non-attractive guy. I've mostly met these guys at night clubs, bars and parties. So why did they lose interest in me after a month? In the beginning, they were all super affectionate and interested and were declaring their adoration and love but the interest would taper off after two weeks. I really want to know what is wrong with me. I feel depressed Help! Dude r u havin sex wit the dudes early? Me, i cudnt care whetha a girl gives it up afta 1 day or 6 months if i am into her so i aint judgin. But dudes can be dogs so if u r givin it up quick thy mite bail. Also why r u datin losers? Date a dude u match with thn u r gona do betta, dudes who know u have more cash, more schoolin, wateva, thn they eva will aint gona feel 2 grate round u. Link to post Share on other sites
phillyfan Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I guess you guys are right. It is definitely a good idea to delay anything sexual until I establish a deeper connection. Well thanks everyone for all the good advice and encouraging words.. Now I feel like I have a pretty good idea what could have been wrong in these situations: I think it is definitely the case that I am meeting these guys in sketchy places and mostly they are shady guys who are looking for flings. Second by sleeping with them too soon and being too available and nice, they are kind of beginning to wonder what is wrong with me especially since we are too different intellectually/socially. I think the best solution for me would be to be content with being single now since it looks like I am not meeting guys who are at the same intellectual/moral caliber as me; it would definitely be better than having a string of unfulfiling, short relationships with weak-charactered guys who definitely do not deserve my time and in the end act in morally shaky ways. YEAH DUDE THIS IS THE BEST PLAN. U sound so cute but dude, if i were datin u, i admit id go 4 a coupla dates, love the sex, stil respect u n all that but we wudnt hav enuf in common 2 take thngs furtha, thts all. So Id be dumpin u, but thts kinda a harsh way of sayin movin on cause we aint compatible. Id always think the girl is SO cool but dude, i aint so educated, u r smarter thn me. U hav more culture, n all that. I love that, its 2 b respectd u know wat i mean, but i can respect tht in a girl, friend, sista, wateva, iif u understand me. Cos I aint got those skills i aint gona match so wel with a girl whos like tht. U gotta match. Dude u sound like u need a hot guy (me, LOL but thts where i stop makin the grade!!!), with a bunch of fancy degrees, a gentleman, sumone who is like, a doctor or a lawyer or sumthin, sumone who gets u. Wait it out dont meet the losers in bars, wait 4 the great dudes. Dont sleep wit them early only bcause u r a great girl u need 2 make us dudes work for it Link to post Share on other sites
OnyxSnowfall Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 (edited) If those two nut jobs chased you that long, then it's evident that you've must've been dangling them at your mercy the whole time! Now you're advising that the OP commit to the same vicious strategy? Are you serious or just poking at her? Goodness. Ultimately I'm stating that some men will hit and run, and among those men, there are men whom will chase and persist ruthlessly if they can't easily obtain their goal... I would go so far as to state that they enjoy the challenge more than anything (without being a man and knowing what it's like myself) --- and at times, perhaps unwittingly to them, they will fall in love with the one they've been attempting to merely bed. Most men seem to want sex, but most don't seem to want relationships with most everyone they want to have sex with... Admittedly I've strung admirers in my distant past . However, unless I'm completely missing something, I don't think that's the case with the men I mentioned... I did write, "rejected". *If* telling them, "no, I am uninterested in seeing you" and pushing them away anytime they mocked my boundaries (which was somewhat common --- one of them told me, after I told him not to touch me again [he put his hands on my shoulders and said he wanted to give me a massage] that I was "adorable" when I got feisty and when I got more upset he just said "awww you're so cute, even when you're worked up") ... over and over again is dangling them at my mercy, then I am guilty I worked with both of them a couple of years back. I did make the mistake of being polite to them initially, but it's hard to believe I'm still responsible LoL. I don't work there anymore... other men there tried to come on to me as well, but they managed to respect me when I told them I was unavailable (well, except for one who got mad and blew up, I didn't even know his freakin' name at the time... he worked in a completely different department --- whatevs, maybe I just attract some psychos LOL). At any rate, for well over a year I have ignored their voice mails, texts and phone calls --- I already said everything I could say a long time ago (One of them ran into me at a store awhile back though gah... which ignited a series of messages... I morbidly listened to a couple, but deleted the rest ). Edited October 6, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I am a 25 year old girl who is considered very smart, pretty and attractive. I am a graduate student and am smart, intellectual, well-spoken and well-read. I have a lot of hobbies and have been playing the piano for 10 years. I am considered very attractive and have a lot of friends. I own a nice apartment and dress well. The guys I've dated all seemed to lose interest in me pretty soon in the game (~1 month) and according to my friends they were all way below my league. They were not particularly attractive guys and most of them did not have decent jobs or were particularly charismatic. To give you some examples, one of them was a broke construction worker and the other one was a very short and non-attractive guy. I've mostly met these guys at night clubs, bars and parties. So why did they lose interest in me after a month? In the beginning, they were all super affectionate and interested and were declaring their adoration and love but the interest would taper off after two weeks. I really want to know what is wrong with me. I feel depressed Help! By the way it is based on 4-5 guys... - Number 1 was a visiting student who was in the US for like 8 months. He dumped me because he said he is not falling for me and suggested a casual relationship. Then he started dating my friend who is not a very attractive girl and they were together for 3 months until he dumped her as well and started having another fling.er 1 was a visiting student who was in the US for like 8 months. He dumped me because he said he is not falling for me and suggested a casual relationship. Then he started dating my friend who is not a very attractive girl and they were together for 3 months until he dumped her as well and started having another fling. He's just trying to sleep with as many girls as possible before he goes back to tim-buck-to. You should have realize this. Also guys who tell you "I'm in love" after 2 weeks are full of ****. - The second guy was a socially awkward guy who I dumped. He was very cold during the relationship and said that he was too busy and he was not really in love with me but he thought love only existed in Hollywood movies and he liked me enough to have a serious relationship. So I dumped him. Two weeks. He's probably not that out-of-line. - The third one was another visiting student who dumped his gf of 5 years, then he told me he was in love with me. It was a whirlwind relationship that lasted 2 weeks and resulted in him dumping me and going back to his gf. This one is really weird. Not sure what to think. 2 weeks again. Stop sleeping with guys so soon. You need to get to know them a little! - The fourth one was the construction worker who told me he loves me on the second date then his interested started tapering off after 2 weeks and told me that he wants to take a month break to decide if he wants to get into a serious relationship with me as he just got out of a long relationship. Wtf would you have in common with him? -The fifth one was this girlish guy (the one in the pic) who I met in the club and who is another grad student who seemed really into me and then did a fadeaway after 2 weeks. Likely a player. And lets not forget my exboyfriend of 3.5 years the illegal immigrant who I also met in a club. He was extremely sweet and affectionate in the beginning. Then he cheated on me for the last 2 years and lived off me, never paying rent or bills while subjecting me to all kinds of abuse. Guys a frigin loser. How the hell are you picking them so badly? I think you're going in too deep early emotionally and not seeing obvious warning signs. Maybe some weird social tick? Do you have a fair amount of friends? Definitely sounds like too much too soon though. Having sex on the second date as a normal thing is out of the ordinary. Why aren't you into successful good looking guys? I can understand looking for other things, but wtf are you picking these guys based on? What are your standards exactly? "Chemistry"? If that's the case, that's probably you're problem. Guys who do chemistry well with girls do chemistry well with ALL girls.... Given the first part, I think you're just picking the wrong guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 (edited) Also, I don't agree with people who say you are having sex too soon. Then when would be too soon to have sex ? because she is having sex after only knowing him maybe 4-8 hours ?.. that is about how long a first date lasts and she has sex on the second date. I'm guessing that you believe that you cannot have sex too soon ? IMO and Experience 4-8 hours isn't long enough to know someone to start swapping bodily fluids if you are interested in more than a ONS.. which she is. There are relationships that start from ONS's (a rarity) but honestly her relationships are suffering from men who just want sex and not the relationship Edited October 7, 2011 by Art_Critic Link to post Share on other sites
neghitzbrah Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 (edited) Annabannas, I have to admit that I have treated women this way at times. The first time happened when I met her through a friend. We were drinking. Then we hooked up. The second time, we met through a group of friends and hooked up again. She paid for my drinks. The third time I took her out for some Thai food and we went back to her apartment and hooked up one more time. I held her that night, it felt nice. The next morning it was gone. I didn't feel anything for her. I stopped talking to her altogether, even after she came back from her trip to Spain. The second time this happened, I met her at work. It was attraction at first sight. I couldn't take my eye off of her. I took her out more than a few times. I hit it the second time we went out. After the second time, I didn't really care that much. Trust me, she was very attractive... nice ass, nice body, very caring. She enjoyed my company. But something didn't click. We didn't click. As a guy though, and I am being honest here, I was in it for the sex at that point. But the only reason I took it further was because she went around telling people we were **** buddies, which was totally oblivious. Eventually, I walked away after she got mad me at me for being a "commitment phobe." I probably was... hey, I just got out of a 5 year relationship. The third, I met her online and she quickly rushed meeting up with each other. The 4th date we ending up having sex. I didn't really care anymore after that and even then she kept canceling on our dates last minute. Texting me all the time, and actually got mad at me for not texting her first. Finally, it came to my realization that she had a bf. I dropped her like a hot potato. What I'm getting at is that I saw these coming from a mile away. I knew what was going down but I went through with it because generally, I thought I had something good. I was settling... until I finally realized "well this ain't getting any better." As a guy, we tend to do things that we know aren't good for us because they leave us a little bit secure. A little security is better than nothing, as that's how I used to look at it. Now I don't date too often as I have my full time job, second job, and friends I'd rather spend time with. Family is important to me now, too. Just understand that there are more important things to life than dating someone. To me, even if it takes a while for that one good person to come along, it's worth it. Until then, date around and don't stress about it. I bet there are other things you can improve on life than having a LTR with a guy who gives 2 craps about you. Not saying that they all do, but don't go trying to fool yourself into thinking you have something good when you honestly know you don't. Just saying. Edited October 7, 2011 by neghitzbrah Link to post Share on other sites
Author annabanana85 Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 Wow neghitzbrag, you couldn't be more right. I think I'm just going along with these relationships and falling for these guys because there isn't much going on in my life right now. My social life kinda sucks because I am in grad school and people here are very nerdy and antisocial and do not like going out. And I live alone so I sit at home mostly during the week. Even though I like what I'm doing, I don't find it that stimulating currently and am hoping to graduate pretty soon from graduate school. And I hardly meet guys except at clubs because of my lack of a good social life so I guess the fact that I am not really satisfied with my life could be why I kind of go along thinking that these relationships will fill the emptiness and bring some energy to my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author annabanana85 Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 Feelsgoodman, I am indeed Eastern European. Wow, how did you know? Most of these guys were European, mainly Eastern European but not from the same country that I am from. I agree that there is definitely a big cultural aspect to it. Since I am a foreigner here, I do not really know people outside of school. And most people I go to school with are already married or are conservative midwestern guys with whom I do not really click as we do not have a lot of mutual interests. I find it hard to connect with American guys in general because a lot of them that I meet are just bros who are interested in drinking beer, watching sports and fitness. I like more sophisticated, intellectual and worldly guys which are hard to come by in my city. And the American guys who are cultured seem to be very elitist and usually not into interacting with foreigners. So socially I feel very stuck There are a lot of Eastern Europeans but mostly there are illegal immigrants and blue collar workers. Link to post Share on other sites
neghitzbrah Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Whoa, a relationship won't solve your problems. My guess is you have been in a LTR relationship recently. So you probably, not only lost a great lover, but a best friend in the same process. It sucks... trust me I know how it is. But getting into a relationship doesn't make someone your best friend again. Who are you friends with right now? Build on that friendship. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen over time. Take the person who matters to you the most, even if it is your sister, mom, cousin, etc. Life is about making connections with people. We can party and drink with anyone. But when sober, I can only hang out with a handful of my friends for a long period of time. I always create a strong connection with certain acquaintances and women before I wanna bail. I'm stubborn like that -- we all make mistakes because we're human. Not proud of it though. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I wouldn't have sex on the first date, but afterwards, it doesn't really matter. Also, keep in mind that she's from Europe and Europeans are generally far less hung up on sex than Americans are. In most parts of Europe, a woman is not going to be labeled a "slut" for having sex on the second date. In fact, it would be seen as quite normal. On a side note, you Americans are a strange lot. You produce some of the most disturbing, disgusting and downright vile kinds of pornography (not sure how else to describe porn where women are gang raped, abused, tortured, have baseball bats inserted in various orifices, etc.), yet you have this weird almost puritanical phobia of having sex "too soon". Maybe it's the fact that the American culture revolves around sex so much, you people ascribe an artificially high level of importance to a simple physical act that for most other people is not nearly as big of a deal. It isn't about being labeled a slut..and WE American's are not the topic of this thread.... It is about having more than a ONS and having a relationship based on interests and connection rather than sex... She has stated she wonders why they disappear after sex and then she says they have sex after only knowing them a few hours..... Well gee... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I already addressed it. If you don't get it or don't agree, that's fine. Consider it a different cultural perspective. Of course I don't agree but I don't think it is cultural thing.. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I think you should date guys on your level. Like others have said stop picking them up at clubs, bars, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author annabanana85 Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 I am Eastern European too. Even though I spent most of my life here, and went to high school, university and graduate school here, I still find that I don't have much in common with the "locals". So I can definitely relate. Speaking of having something in common, that's probably the reason why things don't work out between you and the "blue collar illegal immigrants" you meet in clubs and bars. You need to move to a more cosmopolitan area, preferably one that has more men from your ethnic background. You are right but I will not be able to move out of this city for the next 4 years .... I am in the biggest city in the Midwest; I guess the more cosmopolitan area would be NYC but I don't know anyone there so it would be hard for me to move there and start all over again. There are not a lot of people from my ethnic background in the US unfortunately and the ones that are here are either working blue collar jobs and are backwards and uneducated (came here via green card lottery or through marriage) or are extremely career oriented or very rich individuals who I also do not really relate to. Middle class, well-rounded, normal individuals from my country are very hard to come by in the US unfortunately .... Link to post Share on other sites
Author annabanana85 Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 I am from Bulgaria and you? Link to post Share on other sites
AHardDaysNight Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 If I met a girl, and she gave it up after the first date, I'd consider her just a sex object, nothing more. Maybe a one-night stand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author annabanana85 Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 If I met a girl, and she gave it up after the first date, I'd consider her just a sex object, nothing more. Maybe a one-night stand. Wow, that sounds super bigoted, misogynistic and narrow-minded. Why would you pressure her into sex on the first date then if you would only treat her as a sex object? Link to post Share on other sites
Author annabanana85 Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 Yes, that is exactly the problem I am experiencing. When I talk to American guys that I meet at school, I find them very sheltered and career oriented to the point that they do not have a lot of outside interests. They are kind of boring and are interested in sports, brewing beer, exercising and are not very worldly, intellectual or fun. Most have not left the midwest and have a very limited outlook on life and are too conventional for me. On the other hand, I find European guys more fun, intense and affectionate and tend to have more things to talk about. But I feel like since most of them are not very educated, I cannot really have very intellectual conversations with them and get the sense that they might prefer more traditional women. Other European grad students in my city usually tend to be temporary and are not looking for relationships. The last guy I was dating was Russian and had been in the US less than a year. I think the fact that he did not really have an international perspective really made it hard, never mind the language barrier... Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 (edited) I am from Bulgaria and you? Haha, this is awesome! My SO is Bulgarian too (lives in Sofia). Definitely the best women in europe, though the worse guys (not Bulgarian myself). Zdrasti ^^ Edited October 7, 2011 by Professor X Link to post Share on other sites
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