Memphis Raines Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 People who ban opposite sex friends have a tendencies to be jealous of everything. It's a silly rule, as you can't tell someone to cut off their social life outside of a relationship. The largest portion of my friends are male & I have no interest in them beyond a friendship. If my SO were to tell me I can no longer be friends w/ them, I'd respond w/ "we can no longer be in a relationship." I'd then smile & leave. again, I don't think most people have a problem with opposite sex friends, its doing things alone behind closed doors that they'd have a problem with. so would you have a problem with your bf going over to another woman's pad and watching a movie until the wee hours of the morning? you shouldn't, afterall, if the idea is that they are friends, then he should be able to do with a female friend what he does with a male friend, no? So if your take is that its ok, then you should have no problem with him hanging out with another girl at her place alone til 3am. Link to post Share on other sites
KR10N Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 @Kelemort, I would never consider dating a friend. It would be awkward as I've known my friends between 10 & 15 years. Their too much like brothers to me. Keep in mind that not all women who say they're 'just friends' with male friends are.I know, but it would be a cliché to accuse the rest who are just friends. This is what grinds my gears & I've seen couples do this often. Usually, the ones who forbid it are the ones who have OS friends & aren't very trustworthy. I'm not telling my friends who I've known for years that we can no longer be friends just because my SO has an insecurity or trust issue. One will definitely get the boot. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Reading many of the EA (emotional affair) threads on this board, they all seem to have a common pattern. First the poster will tell you that they do not have an issue with their SO having opposite sex friends. Then they will tell you that they are uncomfortable with a specific opposite sex friend. Then when they inform the SO about being uncomfortable, the SO will say that “We're just friends”. Finally the poster will ask the forum readers if they are wrong for being uncomfortable. The thread will then go on as people debate exactly when the opposite sex friendship crossed the line into becoming an EA. Can you please point out some of these threads? I must have missed them - all of them. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Couples that do not allow opposite sex friends are not posting because they are far less likely to have to deal with the issue of an EA (emotional affair). You can talk about trust all you want, but a SO in a target rich environment is more likely to hit something even if they did not intend to.. Well said! Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 If I thought my man had such a lack of self control, integrity, and honesty, he wouldn't be my man. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 If I thought my man had such a lack of self control, integrity, and honesty, he wouldn't be my man. It's not always that black and white for everyone. Trust is great but 1/2 of keeping up your self-control is to keep your butt out of tempting situations to begin with. To some it isn't tempting at all depending on the friends they have and that's great. To some it may be tempting due to a certain history with said friend or if an attractive co-worker expresses interest in them and asks them out for a "harmless" lunch. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Can you please point out some of these threads? I must have missed them - all of them. Below are links to a few recent ones. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t292838/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t287716/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t285138/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291702/ You may want to also look at this link. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8119_friends.html Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 To some it isn't tempting at all depending on the friends they have and that's great. To some it isn't tempting at all depending on the integrity they have. See, if my man were to find himself in a situation where he preferred someone over me, he would just end the R. And what am I supposed to do? Keep him in a cave so he never sees another good looking female? There was a situation where an ex from a loooong time ago who was newly single and back in town wanted to cook him and his son dinner at her house back when we had just declared our commitment to each other. I asked him if he would feel okay with me going to a guy's house who had been trying to strike up a R with me and letting him cook ME dinner. He opted himself to not have her cook him dinner. I wasn't worried about what he would do, though. I just didn't like the idea that she thought it was okay for her to try to butt into our R like that. She and I both knew what she was up to, and it turns out I was right due to some further information that recently came to light. That's different than just same sex friends, though. And I was NOT invited to that dinner, by the way. That's another thing I would never do is not invite my guy to any of my outings with my guy friends. I also wouldn't expect to not be invited to his outings with any gal friends. Not that I wouldn't let him go if I didn't want to, or vice versa. The option to join them has to be there though. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I've always considered it like this: If some chicky could come along and start a "friendship" with my partner that resulted in my partner betraying me and cheating I should probably bake said "friend" a cake as a thank you for removing a big lump of dead weight off my back before I noticed it rotting there. Honestly, when I think back to the worst things that have ever happened to me - none of them had a damn thing to do with infidelity. Infidelity betrayal is a problem with an obvious solution. Would that all problems had such obvious solutions! Link to post Share on other sites
linwood Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Looking at this pattern, it becomes obvious that since most of the EA threads are started by people that do not have an issue with their SO having opposite sex friends, couples that do not allow opposite sex friends are not posting because they are far less likely to have to deal with the issue of an EA (emotional affair). You can talk about trust all you want, but a SO in a target rich environment is more likely to hit something even if they did not intend to. You asked the question as to “why do so many couples ban opp sex friends?” and that is the answer. You do not have to agree with it, to accept the fact that some people do not think that the risk reward of having opposite sex friends is worth it. If you think that the risk is small and that the reward is worth it go for it, but not everyone thinks that way. There is no right or wrong here. Pick a SO that thinks like you about this and be happy. Perfect, right on the money! Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Below are links to a few recent ones. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t292838/ That guy posted a whole two times, and that wasn't a long time friend that eventually turned into an EA. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t287716/ This one wasn't a friend turned EA either, it was a co-worker turned whatever. Yes, A's happen.http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t285138/ Another co-worker, not a long time friend that suddenly went to an EA. And, yes. Their behavior was inappropriate. Not stuff "just friends" do. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291702/ This one is a long term friend situation, but we aren't hearing from the "wronged" side of the couple as to what they observed about this so-called "friendship" to be able to determine what type of friendship this was. They could have been out of line from the get go, but we wouldn't know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 That guy posted a whole two times, and that wasn't a long time friend that eventually turned into an EA.This one wasn't a friend turned EA either, it was a co-worker turned whatever. Yes, A's happen.Another co-worker, not a long time friend that suddenly went to an EA. And, yes. Their behavior was inappropriate. Not stuff "just friends" do.This one is a long term friend situation, but we aren't hearing from the "wronged" side of the couple as to what they observed about this so-called "friendship" to be able to determine what type of friendship this was. They could have been out of line from the get go, but we wouldn't know that. The point is that they all hid behind the "just friends" defense that they would not have been able to use in relationships where opp sex friends are not allowed. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 The point is that they all hid behind the "just friends" defense that they would not have been able to use in relationships where opp sex friends are not allowed. Well good luck controlling people. I prefer having a man with his own self control. Link to post Share on other sites
KR10N Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 again, I don't think most people have a problem with opposite sex friends, its doing things alone behind closed doors that they'd have a problem with. so would you have a problem with your bf going over to another woman's pad and watching a movie until the wee hours of the morning? you shouldn't, afterall, if the idea is that they are friends, then he should be able to do with a female friend what he does with a male friend, no? So if your take is that its ok, then you should have no problem with him hanging out with another girl at her place alone til 3am.I never said I have a problem w/ opposite sex friends. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 (edited) The point is that they all hid behind the "just friends" defense that they would not have been able to use in relationships where opp sex friends are not allowed. In mouth of certain people, words like "love" and "friendship" are meaningless. You need to find people who are another way. Edited August 19, 2011 by rafallus Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 In mouth of certain people, words like "love" and "friendship" are meaningless. You need to find people who are another way. When people have logic on their side, they argue logic. When logic is not on their side, people launch personal attacks like you just did. You do not know me. Do not presume that you do. I find it interesting that many of those that feel that it is OK to have opp sex friends are so closed minded to another point of view. As I said before in an earlier post "You do not have to agree with it, to accept the fact that some people do not think that the risk reward of having opposite sex friends is worth it. If you think that the risk is small and that the reward is worth it go for it, but not everyone thinks that way. There is no right or wrong here. Pick a SO that thinks like you about this and be happy." Find your own happiness, and I will find mine. Link to post Share on other sites
piggyoink Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 In mouth of certain people, words like "love" and "friendship" are meaningless. You need to find people who are another way. I solemnly and formally announce, +1 Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 When people have logic on their side, they argue logic. When logic is not on their side, people launch personal attacks like you just did. You do not know me. Do not presume that you do.I'm sorry, but I didn't see any personal attack in that post whatsoever. It was simply said that someone shouldn't penalize everyone for the actions of a few but rather find someone who doesn't engage in those types of actions. That the "certain people" whose words are meaningless are the ones you'd have to try to control anyway. How is that an attack on you? Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 I never said I have a problem w/ opposite sex friends. I know you didn't. You are saying the opposite. Therefore you should have no problem with your man being at another female friends pad til late watching movies or "whatever". they are just "friends" afterall, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 I'm sorry, but I didn't see any personal attack in that post whatsoever. It was simply said that someone shouldn't penalize everyone for the actions of a few but rather find someone who doesn't engage in those types of actions. That the "certain people" whose words are meaningless are the ones you'd have to try to control anyway. How is that an attack on you? Looking at the post that I was responding to again, there is more than one way to interpret it. If I interpreted it wrong, although I disagree with the point, my apologies for being snippy. In re-looking at your response to the AE links that I gave, it occurred to me that we may not really be talking about the same thing. You discounted the AE links for either not being long term friendships or for only being co-workers and not real friends. Your response seems to limit what is acceptable more than I first thought. Why this is important is that there is a difference in allowing all opp sex friendships which would include new friends and coworkers, and being comfortable with your SO keeping a preexisting long term opp sex friend where there is a history of no romance. There is also a difference in what rules are reasonable in the first few years of a new relationship verses what they might be for more established long term couples. In reviewing this, although we may differ, we may not be as far apart as it appears on first blush. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 (edited) Yes, what donna wrote is pretty much what I meant. I fail to see other ways to interpret it. Look, you really aren't in place to allow or ban anything, you're dealing (hopefully) with another adult, who has free will, and will do what (s)he wants to. If (s)he doesn't include you in his/her decision making, or uses "friend" word merely as a wool to pull over your eyes (hence meaningless), up to you to decide, if you want person like that in your life. Edited August 19, 2011 by rafallus Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 (edited) Looking at the post that I was responding to again, there is more than one way to interpret it. If I interpreted it wrong, although I disagree with the point, my apologies for being snippy. In re-looking at your response to the AE links that I gave, it occurred to me that we may not really be talking about the same thing. You discounted the AE links for either not being long term friendships or for only being co-workers and not real friends. Your response seems to limit what is acceptable more than I first thought. Why this is important is that there is a difference in allowing all opp sex friendships which would include new friends and coworkers, and being comfortable with your SO keeping a preexisting long term opp sex friend where there is a history of no romance. There is also a difference in what rules are reasonable in the first few years of a new relationship verses what they might be for more established long term couples. In reviewing this, although we may differ, we may not be as far apart as it appears on first blush. We probably aren't, really. If you look at the post I made about the ex reappearing in my man's life when we had first committed to each other and my thoughts about her, you'll see I wasn't keen on that situation. But that isn't just a "friendship." Not to her. It would have been to him, and I know my guy - he would've nipped anything in the bud. I just didn't want her thinking our R was such that she even had a chance of intruding. Further, if I found my guy in a friendship with a co-worker and things just didn't seem right, I wouldn't approve of that either. But JUST a friendship would be fine. It's hard to actually define where the line is when you feel it's been crossed. It's just there, and I think both people in the R have a handle on where that line is. And a new friendship would be fine with me - provided she doesn't try to cross that hard to define line. But I wouldn't want a man I needed to control like that. Otherwise, friendships or no, he'd cheat anyway. Edited August 19, 2011 by donnamaybe Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Look, you really aren't in place to allow or ban anything, you're dealing (hopefully) with another adult, who has free will, and will do what (s)he wants to. What do you mean saying that I am not in a "place to allow or ban anything"? Of course I am. All relationships have agreed upon rules that both are required to obey. For instance most couples have a rule that if one of them uses their "free will" to sleep with someone else, the other will use their "free will" to end the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
piggyoink Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Yes, what donna wrote is pretty much what I meant. I fail to see other ways to interpret it. Look, you really aren't in place to allow or ban anything, you're dealing (hopefully) with another adult, who has free will, and will do what (s)he wants to. If (s)he doesn't include you in his/her decision making, or uses "friend" word merely as a wool to pull over your eyes (hence meaningless), up to you to decide, if you want person like that in your life. Thats a more mature statement than the person who wants to be the BanGuy Link to post Share on other sites
KR10N Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 I know you didn't. You are saying the opposite. Therefore you should have no problem with your man being at another female friends pad til late watching movies or "whatever". they are just "friends" afterall, right?A few of my friends (males & females) still have sleep overs, which I've participated in, nothing weird ever happens. Basically we act like little kids & watch movies or playing video games. And there's always BBQ. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts